The 70th "Old Grandad" Conference in Hot Springs, AR
From
New
Hampshire.
I
was
just
listening
to
her
and
I
was
thinking,
is
she
talking
about
me?
I
so
I
might
start
crying
right
now.
I
my
name
is
Shelly
Day
and
I'm
a
recovered
alcoholic.
Hi
guys,
that's
not
my
name.
I
got
married.
I,
I
Anyway,
my
sobriety
date
is
July
14th
of
2001
and
I
am
unbelievably
grateful
for
that
because
I
am
somebody
who
should
have
been
dead
on
July
14th
of
2001.
And
I
was
just
sitting
here
thinking
because
I'm
weepy
and
I
am
pregnant.
I
am
7
1/2
months
pregnant,
but
I
was
weepy
before
this.
I've
been
a
crybaby
my
whole
life.
I
because
I
was
dying
of
alcoholism.
When
I
got
here
I
was
22
years
old
and
I
was
physically
dying
of
alcoholism.
And
so
anytime
I'm
asked
to
share,
I
get
really
weepy
because
I'm
a
charity
case
and
I
was
just
sitting
here
looking
around
the
room
thinking
there
are
700
people
here
who
should
not
be
breathing
today.
And
so
I
have
a
lot
to
be
grateful
for.
And
then
all
those
things
Amanda
said
is
that
my
life,
I
have
a
lot
to
be
grateful
for.
So
most
importantly,
I'm
grateful
for
my
relationship
with
God
and
for
that
sobriety
date.
And
so
I,
I'm
from
Arkansas.
I
want
to
just
get
that
clear.
I
currently
live
in
New
Hampshire
but
born
and
raised
in
Little
Rock.
I
got
sober
right
here
in
Hot
Springs
and
my
heart
is
here
and
my
heart
is
here
and
so
is
my
mommy.
So
I
was
really,
really,
really
excited
when
Pete
called
and
asked
me
if
I
would
come
home
and
do
this.
I
was
like,
hell
yes,
August,
here
we
come.
So
this
is
actually
my
first
old
granddad
convention
ever.
I,
I
moved
to
New
Hampshire
over
four
years
ago,
which
was
the
first
year
that
it
came
back
to
Hot
Springs.
And
so
I've
never
been
here
for
it.
So
I'm
really
grateful.
I'm
very,
very,
very
grateful
to
be
here.
I
had
a
moment
this
morning
where
I
panicked
and
I
thought,
crap,
I
haven't
figured
out
what
my
story
is.
I
have
like
60
seconds
to
figure
out
what
my
story
is
because
that's
my
human
reaction
to
fear.
I
have
to
figure
this
out.
I
have
to
get
my
hand
in
it
and
I
have
to
manage
it
and
I
have
to
figure
out
what
I'm
going
to
do
with
it.
And
I'm
really
grateful
for
the
thought
that
comes
behind
that,
which
is
I
have
a
relationship
with
God
today
that
saved
my
life
from
a
deadly
disease.
And
that's
my
story.
And
I'm
hopefully
going
to
fill
the
next
few
minutes
telling
y'all
some
details
about
that
story.
But
that's
the
punchline.
That's
the
moral
I've
had
a
I've
developed
a
relationship
with
God
through
the
12
steps
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
and
I
no
longer
suffer
from
the
disease
of
alcoholism.
I'm
no
longer
dying
of
the
disease
of
alcoholism.
Today
I'm
a
free
woman
and
I,
I
hope
that
a
day,
not
a
day
goes
by
that
I
ever
forget
that
because
I
haven't
forgotten
that
yet.
And
so,
you
know,
I
don't
have
my
big
book
with
me,
which
throws
me
completely.
My
big
book
fell
apart.
And
I
have
a
dear
friend
who's
a
book
binder
and
he
took
it
from
me
and
as
soon
as
he
got
in
his
car
and
drove
away,
I
was
like,
Oh
no.
But
I,
I
feel
naked
without
my
book
because
that's
my
instruction
manual.
And
that's
what
got
me
from
where
I
was
on
July
14th
of
2001
to
where
I
am
today.
This
is
my
instruction
manual
on
how
to
find
God,
and
everything
in
this
book
that
I've
put
into
place
in
my
life
has
worked.
Not
one
suggestion,
not
one
step,
not
one
bit
of
action
has
failed
me
yet.
And
God
has
never
let
me
down
on
a
single
thing.
So
if
you're
sitting
here
today
and
you're
wondering,
do
I
belong
here?
Do
I
want
this?
Is
God
really
going
to
do
anything
for
me?
Do
I
even
know
who
God
is?
Because
those
are
the
things
I
was
thinking
when
I
got
here.
I
can
tell
you
that
my
experience
is
that
God
has
delivered
100%
on
everything
He
promised
He
would.
And
I
haven't,
I
haven't
done
50%
of
the
you
know,
this
is
not
a
5050
relationship
because
I'm,
I
can't
do
50%.
God
does
way
more
than
than
his
half.
So
I.
My
story
is
that
I
was
born
into
a
family
with
a
lot
of
love
and
there
is
a
lot
of
alcoholism
in
my
family
and
there
was
a
lot
of
dysfunction
in
my
family.
But
there
was
a
lot
of
love
in
my
family.
And
for
a
really
long
time
I
thought
what
was
wrong
with
me
when
I
was
a
kid,
this
is,
I'm
talking
long
before
I
ever
picked
up
my
first
drink.
I
thought
what
was
wrong
with
me
was
that
there
were
problems
at
home.
It
was
my
parents
fault.
It
was
my
father's
fault
for
his
alcoholism.
It
was
that
it
was
somebody
else's
fault.
And,
you
know,
in
retrospect,
I
had
a
pretty
amazing
childhood
and
I
was
a
pretty
good
kid,
but
there
was
a
lot
of
love
in
my
family.
And
so,
you
know,
the
thing,
the
things
that
I
never
questioned
were
that
my
parents
loved
me,
Um,
long
before
I
ever
picked
up
my
first
strength,
though
I
hated
my
own
guts.
And,
and
I
don't
really
have
a
good
reason
for
that.
From
as
far
back
as
I
can
remember,
the
very
first
thoughts
I
ever
had
of
Shelly
that
work,
that
conscious
thoughts
that
I
can
remember
of
how
I
felt
about
myself
were
that
I
wasn't
a
very
good
person.
I
was
a
bad
person.
I
had
bad
thoughts
and
bad
intentions
and
bad
motives.
And
if
you
really
knew
what
was
going
on
in
here,
then
you
wouldn't
like
me.
And
I
just
thought
I
was
a
bad
person.
And
that's
what
I
saw
when
I
looked
in
the
mirror,
and
that's
what
I
felt
when
I
breathed
in
my
own
skin.
And
so
when
I
picked
up
my
first
drink
when
I
was
15,
I
got
relief
from
that,
plain
and
simple.
I
drank
because
it
made
me
feel
better,
because
it
quieted
all
that
nonsense
in
my
head
that
said
you're
a
bad
person
and
you're
never
going
to
amount
to
anything.
And
if
people
really
knew
who
you
were,
then
they
wouldn't
want
anything
to
do
with
you.
And
you're
so
full
of
it
anyway.
The
first
time
I
ever
picked
up
a
drink
that
all
just
shushed
and
I
didn't
pick
up
a
drink.
It
wasn't
like
a
premeditated
drink.
It
wasn't
something
that
I
was
like
waiting
until
15
and
now
we're
going
to
do
it.
It
was
just
what
was
happening
in
that
moment.
And
I
will
tell
you
guys
that
because
of
the
because
of
the
alcoholism
in
my
family,
long
before
I
even
understood
what
alcoholism
was,
I
swore
I
was
not
going
to
drink
like
my
father.
I'm
not
going
to
be
an
alcoholic.
Didn't
really
know
what
that
meant,
but
I'm
not
going
to
be
like
him.
And
so
I
was
15
years
old
and
there
was
nothing
better
to
do
on
a
Saturday
night.
And
we
drank
and
I
drank
strawberry
daiquiris,
frozen
strawberry,
not
frozen
strawberry
daiquiris
because
there
was
too
much
liquor
in
them.
So
it
was
this
pink
blender
and
made
with
cheap
liquor.
And
I
had
two
girlfriends
with
me
and,
and
all
three
of
us
had
a
little
glass
and
we
all
took
a
sip
and
it
was
so
gross.
My
other
two
girlfriends
immediately
put
that
drink
back
down
and
they
were
like,
no,
thank
you,
I'll
have
something
else
please.
That's
really
gross.
And
I
finished
my
glass
and
I
finished
both
of
their
glasses.
And
then
I
finished
the
blender
and
then
I
was
finished
and,
and,
and
that's
the
story
of
how
I
started
drinking.
And
I
didn't
intend
to
get
drunk,
but
what
happened
when
I
took
that
first
drink,
once
I
got
past
the
IT
tasted
like
Hairspray
and
I
swallowed
it
right
down
and
everything
got
really
warm
and
everything
got
really
quiet.
And
I
took
a
deep
breath,
and
when
I
breathed
out,
I
felt
tall
and
strong
and
OK.
And
the
doctor's
opinion
describes
that
as
ease
and
comfort.
And
that's
why
I
drank.
And
I
could
spend
a
lot
of
time
telling
you
what
the
next
seven
years
of
my
life
looked
like.
But
that's
why
I
drank
for
the
next
seven
years,
because
I
wanted
to
just
be
able
to
breathe
and
feel
OK.
And
liquor
was
the
only
thing
that
I
ever
found
that
would
quiet
everything
else
that
was
going
on
and
just
make
it
OK.
I
got
very
drunk
that
first
night.
I
spent
most
of
the
night
on
the
floor
because
I
never,
and
for
seven
years,
I
never
learned
how
to
be
graceful.
I
fell
down
a
lot.
Lots
of
battle
wounds
and
scars.
But
I
blacked
out
that
night
too,
and
I
never
knew
until
I
got
sober
that
blacking
out
was
not
normal.
I
wish
that
I
didn't
black
out
when
I
drank.
And
I
used
to
beat
myself
up
for
blocking
out
when
I
drank,
but
I
thought
that
that
happened
to
everybody,
you
know?
I
didn't
realize
because
I
just
didn't
really
have
a
conception
for
what
it
looked
like
if
you
didn't
drink
the
way
I
drank.
So
I
used
to
beat
myself
up.
I
thought
it
was
a
character
flaw.
I
didn't
realize
that
it's
alcohol
toxicity.
When
you
drink
the
way
I
drink,
you
will
black
out.
And
I
didn't
understand
any
of
that
until
I
came
here.
And
y'all
describe
the
phenomenon
of
craving
to
me.
That's
why
I
black
out,
because
when
I
start
drinking
I
can't
stop.
So
I
blacked
out
a
lot
for
seven
years.
There
are
big
chunks
of
time
of
my
life
that
are
completely
missing.
And
so
I,
you
know,
I
was
in
junior
high.
No,
I
think
I'm.
Yeah,
I
was
finishing
junior
high,
went
into
high
school,
went
to
college,
didn't
do
well.
I
went
to
five
colleges.
I,
I
moved
a
lot.
I
started
moving
when
I
was
in
high
school
'cause
it
was
like,
I'm
all
done
here.
I
need
to
go
somewhere
else
and
do
something
different.
And
you
know,
in
retrospect,
the
wreckage
that
I
created
wasn't
even
that
big
or
that
bad,
but
I
couldn't
stand
to
be
in
my
own
skin
with
you
looking
at
me
in
my
own
skin
when
I
already
judged
myself
the
way
I
judged
myself.
And
then
I
behaved
the
way
I
behaved.
And
then
you
all
had
good
reason
to
judge
me.
I
just
needed
to
wipe
that
sleep
clean
and
go
somewhere
else.
So
I
did
that
a
lot.
I
went
to
three
different
high
schools
and
then
I
went
to
college
until
it
got
bad.
And
then
I
went
to
a
different
college
until
it
got
bad
and
what
it
looked
like
for
seven
years.
And
my
disease
was
very
progressive,
but
it
started
pretty
bad.
It
started
bad
and
it
just
got
way
worse.
And
what
it
looked
like
was
that,
I
mean,
I
was
a
college
student.
Of
course
I'm
going
to
go
out.
Of
course
I'm
going
to
go
out.
Everybody
goes
out.
Everybody.
Hardee's
in
college.
But
what
I
wasn't
doing
that
everybody
else
was
doing
was
getting
up
the
next
morning
and
going
to
class
or
holding
down
a
job
or
returning
phone
calls
to
their
parents
or
keeping
their
checking
account
in
the
positive.
And
my
life
became
completely
unmanageable.
It's
just,
it's
really
all
it
is.
When
I
drink,
everything
else
falls
away
because
I
can't
manage
the
decision
not
to
pick
up
that
next
drink
or
that
first
drink
or
the
drink
I'm
going
to
have
tomorrow.
And
so
everything
else
in
my
life
falls
away
because
I
can't
balance
it
all.
Because
when
I
start
drinking,
nothing
else
in
the
world
is
as
important
as
getting
the
next
drink.
And
so
I
drank
violently
for
seven
years.
I
swear
to
God
I'm
going
to
be
at
work
tomorrow
morning.
I
swear
to
God
I'm
going
to
write
this
paper
and
turn
it
in
on
time.
I
swear
to
God
I'm
going
to
come
home
tonight.
Mom,
when
I
was
home
for
Christmas,
I
promise
I'll
be
home
tonight.
And
I
was
never
able
to
make
good
on
any
of
the
things
I
intended
to
do
because
once
I
started
drinking,
I
couldn't
stop.
And
towards
the
end
of
my
drinking,
what
it
looked
like
was
that
I
would
swear
I
wasn't
even
going
to
go
out
tonight.
I
swear
I'm
not
even
going
to.
I'm
not
even
going
to
get
near
it
tonight.
I'm
going
to
stay
home
and
then
I'd
be
like,
OK,
maybe
I'll
go
and
I'll
drive.
It's
way
beyond
my
turn
to
be
the
driver.
I'll
drive
tonight.
And
then
I'd
get
there
and
I'd
say,
you
know
what?
I'm
only
going
to
have
one.
And
then
I
would
come
out
of
a
blackout
3
days
later.
That's
what
the
end
of
my
drinking
looked
like.
Because
I
have
absolutely
no
control.
I'm
completely
powerless
over
what
happens
when
I
put
a
drink
in
my
body.
And
I
used
to
wake
up
every
morning
to
those
hideous
4
horsemen
that
they
describe
in
a
vision
for
you.
And
I
not
live
in
my
own
skin.
And
even
though
I
woke
up
every
morning
with
the
firm
resolve,
I
swear
to
God
I'm
never
going
to
do
this
again.
I
am
never
going
to
do
this
again.
Today
is
going
to
be
different.
I
am
not
going
to
do
that
again.
I
couldn't
live
in
my
own
skin
because
it
was
so
uncomfortable.
So
I
picked
up
a
drink
because
it
made
everything.
And
that's
what
it
looked
like.
That's
what
it
looked
like.
That's
what
7
years,
only
seven
years
look
like.
And
I
couldn't
have
gotten
here
a
day
later.
I
would.
I'd
have
been
dead.
I
had
a
body
that
was
failing.
And
so,
you
know,
there
were
a
lot
of
very
interesting
circumstances
that
channeled
me
into
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
none
of
which
were
a
conscious
decision
on
my
part
to
get
sober
and
make
my
Life
OK.
I
look
back
in
retrospect,
and
I
know
that
all
those
things
that
happened
were
God,
and
that's
called
grace.
Getting
something
I
don't
deserve.
God
just
loving
me
enough
to
take
care
of
me
and
to
scoop
me
up
in
his
hands
and
deliver
me
into
safety.
I
had
a
friend
that
was
court
ordered
to
NA.
I
had
a
boyfriend
who
was
in
treatment.
I
have
this
this
really
amazing
relationship
with
my
grandfather
who's
been
sober
for
26
years.
And
I
was
telling
him
about
how
silly,
what
a
silly
drunk
I
was.
For
the
first
time
in
my
life,
I
was
being
honest
with
somebody
about
my
drinking
and
all
of
these
things
were
going
on.
And
he
said,
you
know,
maybe
you
should
check
out
a
meeting.
And
I
was
like,
all
right,
sure
thing.
The
thing
I
usually
forget
to
tell
people
is
that
I
had
experience
in
Al
Anon
and
Alatin
many
years
prior
to
that.
And
so
I
wasn't
afraid
of
AAI
didn't
know
what
a
A
was
or
what
y'all
were
going
to
ask
me
to
do.
If
I
had
known
that
coming
to
a
A
and
doing
this
deal
meant
getting
sober,
I
probably
would
have
never
come.
But
it
was
that
moment
where
I
was
conscious
of
the
fact
that
I
was
going
to
die
if
something
didn't
happen.
I
was
completely
desperate
and
willing
to
do
anything,
so
I
walked
into
411
Seller
St.
Prettiest
building
in
the
whole
wide
world.
Was
a
smoky
building
then
too
and
I
went
to
meetings
for
like
2
weeks
before
I
ever
even
picked
my
head
up,
you
know,
and
looked
anybody
in
the
eye.
I
used
to
run
before
when
we
would
get
up
at
the
end
of
the
meeting
to
hold
hands
and
pray,
I
would
just
run
out
the
door
because
I
couldn't
face
people
and
I
couldn't
talk
to
people
and
I
didn't
even
know
what
was
going
on
because
I
was
a
complete
wreck.
I
was
sobering
up
and
it
was
ugly
and
it
was
not
comfortable,
so
you
know,
But
after
a
few
weeks
I
started
feeling
a
lot
better.
And
because
that's
what
meetings
do,
you
know,
we
have
a
lot
of
really
awesome
things
to
say
in
meetings
and
I
listen
to
what
y'all
said.
As
soon
as
I
was
able
to
and
I
started
feeling
better
and
I
eventually
got
a
sponsor
and
did
some
of
the
things
that
she
told
me
to
do,
I
committed
to
my
Home
group.
I
got
a
couple
of
service
positions.
I
got
real
involved
in
the
fellowship.
It
was
really
awesome.
I
was
in
this
women's
meeting
every
Friday
night
for
many,
many,
many
years
and
I
learned
how
to
have
healthy
and
honest
relationships
with
other
people.
We
had
girls
night
and
it
was
a
lot
of
fun
and
and
that
was
what
the
first
year
looked
like.
And
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I
got
to
tell
you
that
I
haven't
had
a
drink
since
the
day
I
came
into
a
A
and
I
don't
know
how
that
happened
because
I
did
very
little
in
the
first
year
to
earn
being
sober,
but
I
did
all
I
was
capable
of
doing
at
that
time.
I'm
clear
on
that
today
that
I
did
all
I
could
do.
You
know,
I
was
just
thinking
when
we
were
reading
how
it
works,
that
step
three
says
we
made
a
decision
to
put
our
lives
in
God's
hands
and
let
it
be
God's
way.
And
when
I
came
in
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
in
the
beginning,
I
was
willing
to
put
my
drinking
problem
in
something's
hands
that
were
bigger
than
me,
but
I
was
not
willing
to
put
the
rest
of
my
life
in
anybody's
hands
and
certainly
not
God's.
So,
you
know,
the
solution
that
I
experienced
the
first
year
I
was
sober
was
a
very
physical
solution.
I
was
very
distracted
and
I
was
very
in
love
with
the
Fellowship
and
I
fell
in
love
with
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
I
don't
know
how
I
stayed
sober
is
the
truth
of
the
matter.
So
what
happened
was
when
I
was
a
little
over
a
year
sober,
I
got
to
a
jumping
off
point
that
I
had
never
been
at
before
and
I
didn't
want
to
drink.
I
wanted
to
die.
And
for
the
first
time
in
my
entire
life,
I
was,
I
was
genuinely
suicidal
and
had
I
had
the
means
to
put
my
hands
on
a
gun,
it
had
been
over.
And
I
never
got
that
way
when
I
was
drinking.
I
was
never
suicidal
before
I
got
sober.
I
didn't
get
suicidal
until
I
was
over
a
year
sober,
active
in
the
rooms
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
what
happened
was
I
got
willing
to
go
to
any
links
and
then
I
met
somebody
who
showed
me
what
that
looks
like.
And
to
this
day,
that
woman
is
still
my
sponsor.
And
thank
God
for
her.
And
thank
God
she
understood
how
necessary
working
a
12
step
was
for
her
sobriety
and
her
recovery
because
it
was
Thanksgiving.
It
was
the
day
after
Thanksgiving.
I
was
in
Texas
visiting
family.
She
had
family
in
and
she
said,
why
don't
you
meet
me
at
9:00
AM
tomorrow
morning
and
we'll
get
to
going.
And
she
spent
the
entire
day
after
Thanksgiving
with
me
and
not
with
her
family,
taking
me
through
the
12
steps
of
this
program
so
that
I
didn't
have
to
die.
And,
and
that's
my
experience.
And,
and
So
what
happened
in
that
day
was
that
I
had
a
spiritual
awakening
as
the
result
of
the
steps.
I
learned
how
to
have
a
relationship
with
God.
I
took
action
on
a
number
of
things
and
when
I
left
her
that
day,
that
night,
it
was
a
very
long
day.
I,
I
went
back
home
to
my
family,
a
different
person,
a
completely
different
person.
And,
and
so
we
went
through
the
book
and
we
started
at
the
beginning
and
I
understood
the
disease
of
alcoholism
a
little
bit.
I
understood
the
physical,
I
understood
the
mental
obsession
and
I
understood
the
physical
allergy.
I
understood,
I
could
see
that
in
my
drinking.
I
could
see
how
I
had
every
reason
in
the
world
not
to
pick
up
that
drink
and
not
to
drink
today
and
every
reason
in
the
world
to
quit
drinking
for
good
and
all.
Yet
I
had
no
power
to
live
by
that.
And
so
when
I
got
uncomfortable
enough
and
I
needed
relief,
I
picked
up
a
drink.
And
once
I
picked
up
a
drink,
I
had
no
control
over
what
was
going
to
happen.
I
had
no
control
over
the
craving
that
my
body
creates.
So
I
had
to
have
more.
I
understood
that
stuff.
What
I
didn't
really
understand
was
what
you
do
about
that
stuff.
Because
what
I
did
the
first
year
I
was
sober
was
I
fixed
you
and
you
and
you
and
you
and
this.
And
I
got
a
steady
job
and
I
got
a
Home
group
and
I
got
a
service
position
and
I
got
a
group
girlfriends
and
I
hung
out
with
my
family
some.
And
I
went
to
work
on
time
and
I
think
I
even
went
to
the
doctor
a
few
times
and
like,
took
care
of
my
body
and
paid
my
bills
on
time
and
I
did
all
those
things.
Oh,
I
got
a
boyfriend.
I
had
one
when
I
got
here.
I
kept
him.
I
tried
to
fix
him.
I
I
threw
a
lot
of
energy
into
making
it
OK
out
there
because
somewhere
along
the
way
I
thought
I
picked
up
this
idea
that
what's
unmanageable
is
out
there.
So
I
spent
15
months
managing
out
there
and
that
got
me
a
desire
to
die.
So
it
was,
it
was
there
was
a
lot
less
wreckage
at
15
months,
but
I
didn't
feel
any
better.
So
I
understand
today
that
the
unmanageability
is
in
here.
What
happens
out
there
is
an
unmanageable.
What
happens
out
there
is
wreckage
as
a
result
of
the
unmanageability
that's
in
here.
Because
I
can't
manage
the
decision
not
to
pick
up
the
first
drink.
Whatever's
going
on
out
there
doesn't
stand
a
chance.
So
my
sponsor
explained
to
me
that
I
have
no
control
over
the
physical
problem.
I
got
that.
My
problem,
the
problem
that
needed
to
be
addressed
was
the
mental
problem
the
doctor's
opinion
described.
The
doctor's
opinion
says
that
I
need
to
have
an
entire
psychic
change.
We
had
to
look
up
a
lot
of
words
in
the
dictionary
because
Bill
and
Doctor
Silkworth
and
everybody
else
wrote
words
that
I
just,
when
I
think
a
psychic,
I
don't
think
of,
of
my
mind,
I
think
of
psychic
readings.
So
I
didn't
really
know
what
a
psychic
change
was.
So
we,
you
know,
we
look
up
words
and
I
still
do
that
even
today.
We
do
that
in
my
Home
group.
We
look
up
a
word
every
time
we
get
to
it.
And
I've
been
studying
the
book
for
a
long
time,
and
I
still
have
to
look
up
words
because
my
mind
can
make
a
mess
out
of
anything.
So
an
entire
psychic
change,
an
entire
change
of
the
mind,
she
said.
That's
where
your
business
needs
to
be,
but
your
problem
is
that
you
don't
have
the
power
to
do
that.
So
we
started
talking
about
God,
and
what
I
learned
was
that
I
was
open
to
the
idea
of
God
because
I
had
to
be,
because
I
didn't
want
to
die
of
alcoholism.
But
I
was
only
open
to
the
idea
of
God
to
the
extent
that
he
could
handle
my
drink
problem.
I
didn't
trust
that
God
could
handle
the
rest
of
my
life
to
my
satisfaction.
So
I
manage
the
rest
of
my
life
and
I
let
God
solve
the
drink
problem.
And
that
didn't
work
out
well.
And
I
learned
that
you
know
what
she
said
and
what
it
says
in
the
book
is
that
these
steps
are
going
to
fit
us
for
a
relationship
with
God.
And
that
relationship
with
God
will
solve
all
my
problems,
not
just
my
drink
problem,
but
all
of
my
problems.
All
is
a
big
word
that's
100%.
Every
last
one
of
my
problems
is
God's
of
all
of
them.
Took
me
a
long
time
to
get
that
because
I
wanted
to
be
like,
no,
no,
you
can
have
all
those
this
ones
nine.
I'm
going
to
fix
this
one
the
way
I
want
it
to
be.
And
that
doesn't
that
doesn't
make
me
feel
very
good.
So
what
we
what
we
figured
out
if
I
have
a
problem
in
my
mind
that
I
can't
do
anything
about
and
I
need
this
entire
psychic
change.
I
have
no
power
to
not
pick
up
that
drink.
I
need
access
to
power.
And
she
asked
me
if
I
was
willing
and
for
the
first
time
I
had
been
open
to
the
idea
of
God.
I
I
grew
up
with
this
idea
of
God.
That
was
very
terrifying
me,
and
I
don't
really
know
where
I
learned
that
except
out
there
somewhere,
because
my
parents
didn't
teach
me
that.
And
I
don't
think
they
said
that
in
my
church.
But
somewhere
along
the
lines,
I
picked
up
this
idea
that
God
was
punishing
and
that
I
should
be
afraid
and
that
God
had
plans
for
my
life
that
I
may
or
may
not
like,
but
that's
the
way
it
was
going
to
be.
And
so
I
had
a
very
hard
time
reconciling
myself
to
this
idea
that
I
was
going
to
put
my
life
in
that
God's
hands
because
I
was
very
afraid
of
him.
I
was
very,
very
afraid
of
him.
And
you
know,
when
Dara
and
I
were
sitting
there
that
day
doing
the
work,
she
said,
are
you
willing
to
believe
there's
a
God?
And
I
said,
I
believe
there's
a
God.
That's
about
all
I
got.
And
she
said
we've
got
to
put
your
life
in
God's
hands.
And
if
you
can't
put
your
life
in
your
God's
hands,
if
you
don't
have
an
idea
of
God
that
works
for
you,
if
you
can't
trust
your
God
with
your
life,
then
you
need
to
redefine
God.
And
so
until
you
know
how
to
redefine
God,
pray
to
my
God
because
my
God
is
loving,
my
God
is
fun,
My
God
takes
care
of
me.
And
I'm
looking
at
this
woman
who
at
the
time
was
like
15
years
sober
ish
and
she
or
something,
maybe
not.
And
she
had
a
life
that
looked
really
beautiful.
She
was
a
grandmother
and
she
had
a
lot
of
friends
and
she
was
well
put
together.
And
I
thought,
you
know,
God
didn't
do
such
a
bad
job
with
her.
Maybe
it's
possible
God
could
not
do
such
a
bad
job
with
me.
So
for
a
long
time
I
prayed
to
Dara's
God
because
I
had
a
God,
an
idea
of
God
that
I
was
afraid
of.
And
I
can't
make
a
decision
to
put
my
life
in
God's
hands
when
I'm
afraid
of
God.
I
tried.
It
doesn't
work.
I
withhold.
And
if
I
withhold,
it's
a
matter
of
time
before
my
alcoholism
kills
me.
I
need
to
be
able
to
step
100%
fully
into
the
hands
of
God.
So,
you
know,
sobriety
beat
me
into
a
state
of
reasonableness
around
that
drinking
then.
But
sobriety
did.
And
so
that
day
I
said,
OK,
I'll
pray
to
your
God
and
I'll
do
whatever
I
have
to
do
because
I
really
don't
want
to
blow
my
brains
out.
I
really
don't
want
to
die.
So
we
got
on
our
knees
and
we
prayed,
and
I
prayed
to
put
my
life
in
God's
hands.
And
for
the
first
time
in
my
life,
and
I
prayed
before
I'd
taken
a
third
step
before
I
bowed
my
head
in
church
and
listened
to
what
the
minister
said
and
all
those
things.
But
I
don't
really
ever
think
I
knew
how
to
pray.
I
didn't
know
what
I
was
supposed
to
be
doing
when
I
was
praying.
And
that
day
when
I
prayed
with
her
on
my
knees,
and
I
sincerely
wanted
to
put
my
life
in
God's
hands.
I
wanted
to
want
to
put
my
life
in
God's
hands.
The
effect
was
that
I
felt
God
for
the
first
time
in
my
life.
I
prayed
sincerely
and
I
felt
God.
And
you
know,
I
must
see
it
to
believe
it.
Kind
of
girl.
I'm
a
scientist.
I
don't
have
my
PhD
yet,
maybe
someday,
but
I'm
a
scientist
and
I
have
to
be
able
to
put
my
hands
on
it.
I
need
proof,
I
need
to
see
it,
I
need
to
smell
it,
I
need
to
touch
it.
And
that
was
one
of
the
things
that
I
sort
of
said
to
God
in
the
very
beginning.
If
you're
there,
prove
it.
And
you
know,
my
experience
has
been
that
God
does
and
God
will
and
God's
OK
with
that.
And
I
forgot
what
my
point
was
with
that.
I
hate
it
when
that
happens.
So,
Oh,
I
felt
God.
Yeah.
That
was
my
point.
Because
the
book
promises
me
that
my
minimal
conception
is
enough
to
affect
a
relationship,
affect
a
contact
with
and
start
a
relationship
with
God.
And
when
I
was
on
my
knees
and
I
was
sincere
and
I
wanted
God,
I
believe
God
said,
OK,
baby,
right
here.
Can
you
feel
me?
I'm
right
here.
And
that
was
my
first
real
experience
with
God.
And
I
haven't
doubted
the
existence
of
God
since
that
day
because
I
felt
God
couldn't
see
God,
but
I
could
feel
God.
So
yeah,
I
got
up
off
my
knees
and
I,
I
started
my
inventory.
I
didn't
know
I
was
going
to
do
that
that
day.
If
she
had
said
we're
going
to
get
together,
going
to
work
the
steps,
you're
going
to
entire
inventory
at
the
step
today,
I'd
have
been
like,
oh,
can
we
do
this
next
time?
Because
I
got
to
tell
you
that
I
had
some
misconceptions
around
inventory
because
what
I
heard
in
meetings
was
that
inventory
is
this
really
horrible
process
that's
going
to
make
you
feel
awful.
A
lot
of
people
drink.
It
is
going
to
take
a
long
time
to
get
through
it.
And,
and,
and
she
said,
here
are
some
pages
to
write
on.
I'm
going
to
go
make
a
phone
call.
You
just
wave
at
me
when
you're
done.
And
I
was
like,
I'm
going
to
do
this
right
now.
And
she
said,
well,
yeah,
what
do
you
think
you
were
going
to
do
today?
And,
you
know,
I
didn't
think
that
that
could
be
done
because
that
was
not
my
experience
the
first
time
I
went.
I
wrote
inventory
and
that
wasn't
what
I
heard
in
meetings
and
we
still
don't
say
that
in
meetings
very
much.
And
if
you're
New
Oregon,
even
if
you're
not
new,
I'm
here
to
tell
you
that
my
experiences,
I
wrote
my
inventory
in
45
minutes
and
then
started
a
fifth
step.
And
there
are
people
here
today
that
I've
worked
with
that
have
written
inventory
the
very
same
way.
And
it
doesn't
have
to
take
a
long
time.
And
if
you're
a
real
alcoholic,
like
I'm
a
real
alcoholic
and
your
alcoholism
is
fatal,
like
my
alcoholism
is
fatal,
you
don't
have
a
long
time
because
I
didn't
have
a
long
time.
And
had
I
not
gotten
that
done
in
45
minutes,
I
believe
it
would
have
killed
me.
If
I
left
that
day
and
not
done
that
work
with
her,
I
believe
I
would
have
died
because
I
needed
relief
and
all
the
things
I
ever
knew
to
do
to
get
relief
weren't
working
anymore.
And
so,
so
I
wrote
inventory
in
45
minutes
and,
you
know,
and
then
I
started
a
fist
step
and
in
all
honesty,
that's
the
last
time
I
wrote
inventory
in
a
four
step.
I've
done
a
lot
of
10
steps
since
then,
but
that
was
a
little
over
eight
years
ago.
And
that
was
the
last
time
I
had
to
sit
down
and
write
inventory.
So,
you
know,
I,
I
was
really
terrified.
And
I
heard
these
things
about
how
you
got
to
do
this
for
the
rest
of
your
life.
You
got
to
do
this
every
year.
Just
going
to
keep
building
up.
We
have
tools
in
Step
10
specifically
so
that
we
don't
ever
have
to
sit
down
and
do
that
again
unless
you
want
to.
And
that
was
my
experience.
So
I
I
started
a
fist
up
with
her
and
what
I
found
out
was
the
real
truth
about
Shelly
because
I
knew
I
had
a
selfish
problem,
but
I
didn't
really
know
much
else.
And
what
I
found
out
in
that
inventory
was
what
was
really
standing
between
me
having
a
relationship
with
God
and
that
relationship
with
God
that
was
going
to
save
my
rear
end.
So,
you
know,
the
book
is
very
clear
that
inventory
comes
in
three
parts.
We
have
a
section
on
resentment.
We
have
a
section
on
fear,
and
we
have
a
section
on
sex.
And
I
wrote
an
inventory
for
each
one.
What
I
learned
in
my
resentment
inventory
was
that
I
somehow
believed
that
y'all
were
my
smorgasbord
to
use
for
whatever
I
wanted,
whenever
I
wanted
it.
And
when
you
didn't
do
what
I
wanted
you
to
do,
I
got
really
mad.
And
who
do
I
think
I
am?
Who
do
I
think
I
am?
This
world
is
full
of
God's
kids,
not
Shelly's
kids.
And
you
know,
I
know
today
that
anytime
I'm
resentful,
it's
generally
because
things
are
not
going
my
way.
And
the
problem
isn't
that
things
aren't
going
my
way,
it's
that
I
think
I
have
a
way
that
they
should
go.
So,
you
know,
what
I
learned
in
that
inventory
was
that
I
use
you.
I
use
you.
You
know,
we've
talked
about
the
instincts
Bill
says
in
the
book
that
we
look
at
where
our
self
esteem,
our
pocketbooks,
our
ambitions,
our
security,
including
sex,
were
hurt,
threatened,
injured
or
interfered
with.
And
that's
what
I
listed
on
that
that
day
on
that
inventory
was
where
those
instincts,
those
parts
of
Shelley
that
make
Shelly
uniquely
human,
were
hurt,
threatened,
injured,
or
interfered
with.
So
when
my
instincts
are
hurt,
threatened,
injured,
or
interfered
with,
I
get
mad.
Rightfully
so.
But
the
problem
isn't,
you
know,
the
solution
to
that.
Isn't
for
me
to
manage
the
world
better,
or
to
get
you
to
do
what
I
want
you
to
do
better
or
be
a
better
manipulator.
The
problem
is
that
I
go
to
people
to
meet
my
needs,
smorgasbord
buffet
style.
And
what
I
learned
there
is
that
God
is
all
I
need
to
have
my
needs
met.
God
is
my
source.
God
is
my
creator.
God
made
me
with
those
human
needs
to
only
come
from
Him.
And
anytime
I
look
outside
of
God
into
you
guys,
it
doesn't
work.
So
of
course
I'm,
of
course
I'm
burned
up
because
I'm
a,
I'm
running
around
like
a
crazy
woman
without
my
needs
met.
I'm
incomplete.
I'm
not
okay.
And
that's
the
gist
of
resentment.
That's
the
gist
of
of
me
using
you.
And
that's
not
going
to
work
anymore.
I
can't,
I
couldn't
do
that
anymore.
So
you
know,
when
we
got
to
the
fear
inventory,
I
learned
that
fears
come
from
not
trusting
God
and
all
of
my
fears
that
day
I
had
two
fears
because
I
could
basically
like
any
little
fear
I
had
basically
fell
under
one
of
two
major
fears.
I
have
since
learned
that
I
have
hundreds
and
hundreds
and
hundreds
of
fears
and
they
come
out
all
over
the
place
And
and
the
solution,
the
explanation
for
those
fears
today
is
just
as
simple
as
it
was
that
day.
Fears
come
from
me
running
the
show.
Fears
come
from
me
not
trusting
God.
Fears
are
created
when
I'm
in
charge.
What
happens
is
I
fall
short.
You
know,
my
fears
are
pretty
valid.
I
think
the
two
fears
I
had
on
my
inventory
that
day
were
that
I
am
a
fear
of
rejection
and
a
fear
of
failure.
And
the
truth
is,
when
Shelly's
running
the
show,
rejection
happens.
I
run
people
off
because
I'm
a
lot.
I'm
way,
way
high
maintenance.
I
have
lots
of
friends
to
this
day
that
don't
want
anything
to
do
with
me
because
I
was
so
exhausting
when
I
was
out
there
because
it
was
all
about
me.
I
sucked
the
air
from
people
around
me.
So
rejection
occurred.
Yeah,
I
create
these
things.
I'm
not
just
afraid
of
them
happening.
I'm
manifest
them,
you
know,
I
was
afraid
of
failure.
And
the
truth
was
when
I
drank
or
even
when
I
didn't
drink,
when
I
tried
not
to
drink,
I
was
never
able
to
do
very
much
because
I
didn't
have
much
power
to
do
anything.
I
couldn't
make
it
to
work.
I
couldn't
complete
projects
at
school.
I
couldn't
show
up
for
class.
As
a
matter
of
fact,
there
was
an
entire
semester
where
I
registered
and
they
never
set
foot
on
campus
that
that
that
was
like
my
best
effort.
Honest
to
God,
relationships
are
broken.
I
mean
I
went
through
boyfriends
like
one
after
another,
used
them
up
until
they
couldn't
take
it
anymore
and
then
they
ran
away.
I
actually
got
to
a
place
with
my
family
where
they
said
we
love
you,
but
you
just
can't
come
back
anymore.
I
failed
at
everything
I
ever
tried
to
do
because
the
bottom
line
is
I'm
powerless.
So
when
Shelly
is
running
the
show
and
Shelly's
in
charge,
and
I'm
functioning
on
my
best
ideas
and
my
best
thoughts
and
my
best
amount
of
power,
I
fail.
I
fail.
My
experience
has
been
that
when
I
put
my
life
in
God's
hands,
those
things
don't
happen.
They're
unfounded
fears.
I
had
a
big,
big,
fat,
unfounded
fear
last
night.
Huge
unfounded
fear.
And
I,
I
got
to
talk
about
it
not
just
with
one
person,
but
three
people
all
the
same
time.
It
was
really
awesome
and
I
woke
up
this
morning
because
I
had
to
pray
about
it
a
lot.
I
was
terrified
about
this
thing
that
that
came
up
up
this
morning
and
I
thought
not
for
one
moment
in
the
last
nine
years
do
I
have
any
experience
that
will
lead
me
to
believe
that
God
is
going
to
fail
me.
God
has
never
let
me
down,
not
one
second,
not
for
one
moment,
and
my
fears
are
completely
unfounded.
As
long
as
I
keep
my
life
in
God's
hands,
everything
is
OK,
no
matter
what
it
is.
Now
my
definition
of
OK
and
God's
definition
of
OK
might
be
a
little
different,
but
whatever
it
and
they
frequently
are,
but
whatever
it
is,
it's
OK.
When
I
start
running
the
show,
not
only
should
I
be
scared,
but
y'all
should
be
scared.
We
should
all
be
very
scared
and,
and
those
things
come
true,
you
know,
so
the
solution
to
my
fear
is
to
put
my
life
in
God's
hands.
The
solution
to
my
resentments
is
to
put
my
life
in
God's
hands.
You
know,
I'm
very,
very,
very,
very
grateful
that
Bill
took
all
those
pages
in
the
book
to
describe
how
to
do
sex
inventory
and
where
our
sex
problems
come
from.
Because
of
all
the
things
that
I
did
while
I
was
out
there
drinking,
my
sex
problems
were
the
piece
that
I
was
the
most
ashamed
of
and
never
wanted
to
talk
about
again
ever,
as
long
as
I
lived.
Thank
you.
And
you
know,
if
you
look
at
how
much
time
is
spent
in
the
book,
in
the
inventory
stuff,
sex
gets
the
little
biggest
piece.
We
all
have
sex
problems.
We'd
hardly
be
human
if
we
didn't.
And
that
was
a
relief
because
here's
here's
what
happened
while
I
was
drinking,
the
liquor
didn't
work.
I
mean,
liquor
worked
like
a
little.
And
I
discovered
along
the
way
that
I
could
find
him
and
whoever
he
was,
if
he
would
pay
attention
to
me,
then
I
was
OK.
I
was
good
enough
and
I
was
worth
it.
And
I
got
ease
and
comfort
from
that.
So
there
were
a
lot
of
hymns
over
the
years
and,
and
I
was
a
victim.
And
when
I
sat
down
to
write
inventory,
you
know
who
did
I
harm?
I
made
a
list
of
those
people
and
what
did
I
do?
I
used
them,
I
used
them,
I
used
them,
I
used
them,
I
used
them.
And
after
I
got
through
writing
my
inventory,
I
looked
at
it
and
I
thought,
isn't
that
interesting?
Because
I
always
told
you
he
used
me.
I'm
such
a
victim.
Poor,
pitiful
Shelly
taken
advantage
of
100%
of
the
time
in
every
single
instance.
I
used
him
to
try
to
meet
my
needs,
to
make
me
feel
better
about
myself.
What's
beautiful
about
what
it
says
in
the
book
around
sex
is
that
we
ask
God
to
mold
our
ideals.
God's
molding.
Not
me,
God.
And
then
we
ask
him
to
help
us
live
up
to
them.
Not
only
do
I
have
to
develop
the
right
ideas
around
sex,
I
can
go
to
God
for
that.
God's
going
to
develop
those
ideas.
Then
God's
going
to
show
me
how
to
live
that
way.
It's
actually
that
simple.
And
my
behavior
and
relationships
has
been
profoundly
different
since
I
did
that
inventory
because
once
I
saw
on
paper
what
I
had
done
to
God's
kids,
it
wasn't
until
I
finished
my
sex
inventory
that
day
that
I
actually
got
a
willingness
to
not
be
that
person
anymore.
You
know,
I,
I
got
through
that
and
I
looked
at
that
and
I
thought
whatever
I
have
to
do
to
not
be
her,
I
will
do.
And
it
was.
There
was
just
as
much
the
ill
feeling
I
had
about
doing
that
to
other
people
was
bad,
but
the
ill
feeling
I
had
about
doing
that
to
myself,
I
am
God's
and
it's
not
OK
for
me
to
treat
me
that
way
any
more
than
it's
OK
for
me
to
treat
you
all
that
way.
So,
so
in
that
those,
my
ideals
around
sex
today
did
not
come
from
within
me.
My
conscience
about
that
has
definitely
come
from
God,
and
I'm
very
grateful
for
that.
It
promises
that
if
we
ask
God
for
help,
he
will
give
it
to
us.
And
so
I
ask
God
for
help
and
he
gave
it
to
me
around
that
stuff.
So
we
did
our
first
step
and
then
we
got
back
on
our
knees
and
we
prayed.
And
what
we
prayed
in
step
7
is
so
beautiful.
We
went
back,
you
know,
in
step
three,
we
started
with,
OK,
God,
you
could
have
this
little
piece
of
me
because
this
is
all
I
know.
You
can
have
this
little
piece
of
me.
And,
and,
and
now
we're
going
to
do
inventory.
We're
going
to
find
out
what
else
is
really
going
on
here.
But
I
was
willing
to
put
this
little
piece
of
me
in
God's
hands
And
on
the
other
side
of
inventory,
after
learning
all
the
truth
about
Shelly
and
what
was
really
going
on
in
the
exact
nature
of
my
wrongs
and
how
I'm
completely
selfish
because
I
use
you
to
meet
my
needs.
And
I'm
completely
dishonest
because
I
believe
it's
going
to
work.
I
believe
that
you
can
meet
my
needs.
You
know
the
lie
there
is
that
is
that
anybody
could
meet
my
needs
and
the
truth
there
is
that
only
God
can
meet
my
needs.
I'm
in
considerate
because
I
don't
think
about
you.
I
don't
consider
you.
I'm
just
using
you
to
get
what
I
need,
all
based
on
the
fear
that
if
I
don't
get
what
I
need,
I'm
not
going
to
be
OK.
So
when
we
came
back
in
step
six
and
seven,
we
got
back
on
our
knees,
I
had
a
much
better
idea
of
what
I
needed
to
put
in
God's
hands.
It
wasn't
just
this
little
piece
of
me.
I
needed
to
put
all
of
me
in
God's
hands.
I
needed
to
put
all
of
that
stuff
that
I
saw
in
inventory.
And
I
understood
what
that
meant,
to
put
the
garbage
in
God's
hands,
to
give
God
the
bad
stuff.
But
what
the
prayer
says
is
that
you
can
have
all
of
me,
good
and
bad.
Well,
I
didn't
understand
completely
what
good
was
that
day,
but
I
understand
today.
My
willingness
around
this
stuff
has
has
grown
exponentially
over
the
years
because
as
I
learn
what
all
of
me
is,
I
learned
that
that's
more
of
me
than
I
got
to
give
to
God.
All
of
me
looks
like
the
wreckage
and
inventory
in
my
character
defects.
It
also
looks
like
who
I
think
I
am
and
who
I
think
I
want
to
be
and
my
hopes
and
my
dreams
and
all
of
my
ideas
and
all
of
the
things
I
think
I
want
to
do
with
my
life
and
what
I
think
it
means
to
be
a
daughter
and
a
sister
and
a
wife
and
a
mother.
All
of
me
is
100%
of
me.
I
have
to
give
God
all
of
me.
And
that's
what
step
7
asks.
And
my,
you
know,
I,
I,
when
I
prayed
with
Dara
that
day,
I
was
a
little
bit
willing
to,
to
let
God
have
all
of
me,
whatever
I
understood
that
meant
that
day.
And
I
believed
in
a
very
small
way
when
I
was
praying
that
maybe
God
could
make
me
happy.
Maybe
God
could
do
more
than
just
keep
me
sober.
Maybe
God
could
even
make
me
happy
today.
I
understand
completely
that
God
can
make
me
happy.
I
don't
know
if
act
that
way
sometimes
I
fall
short
of
that,
but
I
believe
100%
that
God
can
make
me
happy
because
he
has
prove
it
and
God's
like
OK
will
do
proving
it's
on
the
way.
He's
got
no
problem
with
that.
So
in
order
to
put
all
of
me
in
God's
hands
and
in
order
to
give
God
the
good
and
the
bad,
I
have
to
take
action.
And
the
action
I
take
on
that
is
in
steps
8
through
12.
So
when
I
got
up
off
my
knees
from
praying
with
her,
I
made
it.
I
made
a
list
of
people
I
had
harmed
and
we
split
it
into
three
columns,
4
columns.
What
I
was
willing
to
do
now
and
what
I
wasn't
willing
to
do
now,
to
different
degrees
of
not
willing
and
not
sure.
Yeah,
there
was
one
list
called
Never.
And
the
entire
sex
inventory
went
on
Never
because
I
didn't
have
relief
from
the
guilt
and
the
shame
around
that
yet.
And
I
was
very
terrified
of
facing
people.
But
there
was
a
there
was
a
short
list
of
people
I
was
willing
to
make
amends
to
now.
And
she
told
me
how
to
do
that.
And
when
I
left
her
that
night,
I
went
back
to
my
grandparents
house
and
I
made
four
amends
that
very
night.
The
minute
I
walked
in
the
door,
I
made
4
minutes.
No,
I
think
I
spent
an
hour
alone
first,
then
I
made
4
minutes.
I
have
to
take
action
now.
And
you
know,
that's
what
the
book
uses
words
like
launched
now.
We
launched
on
a
course
of
vigorous
action.
That's
not
all.
There's
action
and
more
action.
You
know
when
I
read,
if
you
go
back
and
read
Bill's
story
and
you
put
a
little
history
to
it,
you
look
at
the
amount
of
time
it
took
Bill
Wilson
to
do
what
is
now
the
12
steps.
It
was
a
matter
of
days,
and
he
started
in
a
hospital
bed
before
he
was
even
completely
detoxed.
And
I
need
the
freedom
from
alcoholism
that
Bill
Wilson
describes
in
this
book.
So
I'm
going
to
do
the
work
the
way
Bill
Wilson
did
it
because
my
experience
doing
the
work
a
different
was
that
I
got
a
desire
to
die.
I
did
everything
my
sponsor
told
me
to
do.
I
went
home
that
night
and
I
made
those
amends
immediately.
And
I
went,
I
came
home
from
that
Thanksgiving
trip
with
plans
to
make
other
amends.
And
she
walked
me
through
step
by
step.
We
took
a
couple
at
a
time
and
I
took
action
on
them.
And
today,
as
of
today,
I've
made
every
amend
that
I
can
make.
There
are
a
lot
of
nameless,
faceless
people
on
my
list
and
it's
up
to
God
and
and
he
has
provided
the
opportunity
on
more
than
one
occasion.
It's
amazing
how
that
works.
The
people
that
I
can't
even
put
a
face
to,
I
come
face
to
face
with
and
I'm
like,
oh,
I
know
who
you
are.
I
got
to
talk
to
you.
So,
you
know,
making
amends
there.
I
was
terrified
at
the
idea
of
making
amends.
But
the
book
says
nine
out
of.
I
was
just
talking
with
a
friend
this
morning
about
this.
The
book
says
9
out
of
10
times
the
unexpected
will
happen.
And
my
experience
is
that
100%
of
the
time
the
unexpected
happens
that
I
go
into
this
amends
fearful
of
what
the
outcome
is
going
to
be.
And
not
once
have
I
ever
had
a
bad
outcome,
period.
Ever.
It
doesn't
always
turn
out
the
way
I
think
it
should,
but
I
don't.
I've
never
had
a
bad
outcome.
I've
never
sponsored
anybody
who
had
a
bad
outcome.
So,
you
know,
when
I
made
the
amends
with
my
family,
those
were
really
easy
because
my
family
raised
me
to
believe
that
love
was
unconditional
and
that
there
was
nothing
I
could
do
to
make
them
love
me
any
less
than
I
did
a
lot
to
make
them
like
me
less.
But
there
was
nothing
I
could
do
to
make
them
love
me
any
less.
And
those,
those
immense,
really
easy
to
make,
the
men's
that
were
really
hard
to
make
were
the
amends
that
were
on
my
sex
inventory.
But
I'll
tell
you,
once
I
started
making
amends,
the
ones
that
I
made
with
my
family
gave
me
a
tremendous
amount
of
willingness
and
excitement
and
enthusiasm
to
get
out
there
and
make
the
rest
of
it
right.
Because
what
happened
was
I
could
look
the
world
in
the
eye
and
I
could
be
alone
at
perfect
peace
and
ease.
I
could
feel
the
nearness
of
God
and
I
didn't
regret
the
past.
And
that's
what
doing.
That's
what
making
amends
does.
It
creates
an
amazing
amount
of
peace
in
my
life
and
peace
in
the
world.
So
you
know,
I've
had
some
some
interesting
experiences
making
amends
to
some
of
those
men
that
fell
into
my
never
list.
And
I
have
to
share
this
with
you
because
you
just
never
know
what
you're
really
doing
when
you
go
to
make
that
amends.
I
think
I'm
cleaning
up
my
side
of
the
street.
I
think
I'm
paying
restitution.
I
think
I'm
making
right
or
wrong,
but
you
don't
even
know
what
God
might
be
doing
behind
the
scenes.
And
there
have
been
three
amends
that
I
made
to
men
on
my
never
list
that
I
was
terrified
and
not
willing
to
face.
3
amends
that
have
one
of
them
was
the
first
time
somebody
made
an
amend
right
back
to
me
and
I
was
I
was
caught
completely
off
guard.
I
was
like
whoa,
which
was
really
amazing.
The
second
time
the
guy
looked
at
me
kind
of
crooked.
I
was
waiting
tables,
OK,
and
he
popped
up
in
my
section
with
his
girlfriend
on
a
date.
And
I
got
to
tell
you
also
that
a
lot
of
these
amends
have
happened.
I've
run
into
people
like
if
it
was
somebody
I
knew
from
Fayetteville,
I'd
run
into
him
in
Hot
Springs.
There
was
once
somebody
I
knew
from
North
Carolina
that
I
ran
into
in
Searcy.
Explain
that.
God,
umm,
So
I,
this
was
a,
this
boy
popped
up
in
my
section
and
I
didn't,
I
hadn't
known
how
to
find
him.
I
didn't
know
where
he
was.
And
so
I,
I
was
of
course,
like,
wow,
this
is
really
amazing.
He's
with
his
girlfriend.
Is
that
ever
uncomfortable?
So
what
I
did
was
wait
for
him
to
go
to
the
bathroom
and
I
followed
him.
And
yeah,
well,
I
waited
for
him
to
come
out.
But
I
mean,
I
was
his
waitress.
He
knew
I
was
there.
Like,
it
was
like,
wow,
it's
good
to
see
you.
But,
you
know,
except
when
to
do
so
would
injure
them
or
others.
And
I
didn't
need
to
do
anything
in
front
of
her
because
I
was
not
going
to
be
appropriate.
So
I
followed
into
the
bathroom.
When
he
came
out,
I
was
like,
yo,
who
can
we
talk
for
a
second?
And
when
I
told
him
that
I
had
been
selfish
and
self-centered
in
our
relationship
and
I
was
sorry,
what
could
I
do
to
ever
make
it
right,
he
cocked
his
head
sideways
and
said,
what
is
up
with
you?
Are
you
sober?
Which
I
think
he
was
trying
to
propose.
The
most
preposterous
thing
on
earth
was
the
way
it
sounded.
You
know
how
it
was
coming
out
of
his
mouth.
And
my
response
was,
yeah,
as
a
matter
of
fact,
I'm
sober
and
I'm
a
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
he
took
a
deep
breath
and
he
looked
at
me
and
he
said
that
is
really
great.
I
think
I
need
to
be
there,
too.
You
never
know
what
you're
doing
when
you
got
to
make
amends.
Because
what
I
did
that
day
when
I
apologized
to
him
was
I
showed
him
inside
of
Shelly
that
he
never
ever
saw
before
and
he
never
thought
existed.
That
is
proof
of
God
and
that
carries
a
message.
And
I
thought
I
was
just
cleaning
up
my
side
of
the
street
for
taking
advantage
of
him.
So
that
the
other
one
that
I
did,
that
was
the
other
amends
that
was
really
the
most
profound
in
the
entire
world,
was
a
boy
that
on
my
never
list.
Actually
for
a
little
while
while
I
was
sober
and
still
living
in
Hot
Springs,
I
was
a
cocktail
waitress
at
a
bar.
And
that
was
a
lot
of
fun.
I
was
teaching
by
day
at
the
university
and
cocktail
waitressing
at
night
and
on
the
weekends
and
I
didn't
do
it
for
very
long.
5:00
AM
is
early,
so
I
mean
late.
So
I
had
run
into
this
guy
before
and
I
had
made
amends
to
him.
But
then
when
I
started
cocktail
waitressing,
he
would
run
into
me
at
the
bar
and
he
would
just
literally
follow
me
around
and
be
like,
this
is
the
weirdest
thing
in
the
whole
world.
How
are
you
even
here?
How
would
you
even
want
to
be
here?
And
I
was
having
a
good
time.
There
was
good
music,
people
were
fun
to
watch.
You
know,
I
was
having
a
good
time
and
and
he
like
used
to
just
sit
at
the
bar
and
watch
me.
And
he
was
completely
baffled.
Like,
this
is
not
the
Shelly
that
I
know.
How
are
you
even?
How
are
you
even
here?
How
are
you
even
working
in
a
bar
until
5:00
AM?
And
you're
OK
with
that?
And
so
one
night
we
were
talking,
he
hung
around
and
we
were
talking,
and
he
said
I
made
my
amends
to
him
long
before
this.
But
he
said,
you
know,
it's
really
amazing.
You're
not
the
same
person
because
the
person
I
knew
would
have
never
been
able
to
be
here.
And,
you
know,
I
know
you're
sober,
and
it
doesn't
look
so
bad.
You
make
it
look
not
so
bad.
And
I
was
like,
yeah,
it
actually
rocks.
It's
awesome.
I
think
I
was
probably
four
years
sober.
I
was
on
fire.
I
was
like,
oh,
it's
so
awesome.
You
should
come
to
a
meeting
sometime.
Of
course,
he
wasn't
interested,
but
I
will
tell
you
that
a
couple
of
months
later
I
got
a
phone
call
from
him
and
he
was
crying
and
he
was
whispering
and
he
said
that
Alcoholics
Anonymous
thing
you
do.
I
need
to
get
there
because
I'm
going
to
die
if
I
don't
stop.
And
I
just
have
to
tell
you
that
I've
never
been
interested
in
getting
sober.
But
watching
you,
I
think
you
know
what?
Maybe
this
won't
be
so
bad.
You
never
know.
You
never
know
what
you're
doing
when
you're
making
that
amend
and
when
you're
out
there
in
the
real
world
being
a
product
of
this
program.
That's
what
it
means
when
we
say
you
may
be
the
only
copy
of
a
big
book
somebody
ever
sees.
You
never
know
what
they're
going
to
see
when
they
look
at
you.
But
you
know,
what
that
message
carried
to
him
was
that
maybe
sobriety
is
not
as
bad
as
you
think.
So,
you
know,
and
the
only
reason
he
knew
I
was
a
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
was
because
I
made
a
direct
amends
to
him
as
the
step
reads
and
I
told
him
when
he
asked.
So
you
know,
I
believe
in
that
completely
and
I've
had
and
that
those
are,
you
know,
amazing
experiences
100%
of
the
time.
Never
had
anything
go
wrong,
making
amends.
So
I,
I
have
instructions
and
Dara
gave
me
instructions
on
how
to
work
steps
10:11
and
12:00.
And
I
used
to
always
think
that
10/11/12
were
maintenance
steps
because
that's
what
we
call
them
in
meetings.
These
are
the
maintenance
steps.
Those
are
not
maintenance
steps.
They
are
growth
steps.
You
know,
that's
what
it
says
at
the
beginning
of
step
10
is
that
now
that
we
have
entered
the
world
of
the
Spirit
and
I
was
not
somebody
who
was
living
with
God
prior
to
my
experience
with
the
12
steps.
By
the
time
I
get
to
step
10,
the
promises
that
my
drink
problem
has
probably
been
solved
and
then
I
am
living
with
God.
With
God
100%
of
the
time.
Not
just
roommates,
but
sharing
the
very
same
space,
living
with
God.
My
next
function
is
to
grow
and
understanding
and
effectiveness.
So
I
know
how
to
do
1011
and
12
today.
10
keeps
me
fit
for
a
relationship
with,
11
keeps
me
present
in
my
relationship
with
God,
and
12
keeps
me
deserving
of
my
relationship
with
God
and
of
my
sobriety.
You
know,
another
one
of
those
words
that
I
had
to
look
up
was
conscious
contact,
because
I
didn't
really
understand
what
that
meant.
And
in
my
dictionary,
consciousness
means
awareness.
You
know,
step
7
is
practice.
Step
11
is
practicing
awareness
of
God
in
my
life.
And
I
learned
how
to
grow
in
my
relationship
with
God
and
my
communication
with
God
from
the
pages
that
are
in
the
book
on
step
11.
The
most
simple
and
beautiful
words
are
written
there
for
how
to
relate
to
God
and
how
to
talk
to
God.
And
I,
it's
like
it's
like
God
for
dummies
because
I
didn't
know
how
to
pray,
you
know,
I
didn't
know
how
to
pray.
I
didn't
know
what
to
say
to
God.
I
didn't
know
what
meditation
was
supposed
to
be.
And
I
learned
what
how
does
what
to
say
to
God
in
those
pages.
And
today,
I
still
haven't
found
any
prayers
or
any
instructions
that
start
my
day
any
better
than
those
pages.
And
there
are
a
lot
of
beautiful
promises
there.
But
you
know,
it's
all
about
practicing
my
awareness
of
God.
And
today
I
acknowledge
that
God
is
in
my
life.
That's
very
different
than
where
I
was
nine
years
ago,
where
I
didn't
acknowledge
that
God
even
existed.
Today,
not
only
do
I
acknowledge
God
in
my
life,
but
I
will
tell
you
with
100%
resolve
that
my
relationship
with
God
is
the
most
important
thing
I
have.
It
is
the
central
fact
of
my
life
today
that
everything
else
about
me
revolves
around
that
relationship
with
God
and
everything
about
me
depends
on
that
relationship
with
God.
God
is
my
source
100%
of
the
time.
So,
you
know,
the
12
step
is
a
very,
very,
very,
very
beautiful
step.
I
am.
I
have
gotten
some
beautiful
things
in
my
life
and
beautiful
relationships
in
my
life
from
working
with
other
women.
I
swear
every
time
I
take
a
woman
through
the
work
I
have
a
bigger
experience
than
she
does.
You
know
in
12
step
work
is
not
optional.
Step
12
is
a
step
it
takes
all
12
steps
12
I
have
to
do,
12
is
one-on-one
with
other
women,
and
service
work
is
a
whole
different
ball
game.
But
12
step
work
is
one-on-one
with
another
alcoholic.
And
there's
an
entire
chapter
that
describes
exactly
how
to
do
that.
And
I
have
watched
other
women
be
pulled
back
from
the
gates
of
death
in
a
very
short
period
of
time
doing
the
work.
So,
you
know,
if
you've
worked
the
steps
and
you've
had
a
spiritual
awakening
and
you're
not
working
with
people,
shame
on
you.
I
don't
get
to
stay
sober
if
I'm
not
working.
Step
12,
period.
And
every
time
there's
something
going
on
in
my
life,
you
know,
basically
every
time
the
crap
hits
the
fan,
there's
a
New
Girl
and
she
appears
from
somewhere.
You
know,
when
I
moved
to
New
Hampshire
a
little
over
four
years
ago.
I
am,
yeah.
Moved
and
then
regretted
it
immediately.
Got
there
and
was
like,
what
have
I
done?
This
is
a
very
different
place.
This
is
a
different
planet.
And.
And
of
course,
I
didn't
go
to
meetings
at
first.
I
just
unpacked
my
apartment
and,
you
know,
got
to
my
school
and
did
that
kind
of
stuff
and
called
my
sponsor
and
she
answered
the
phone
and
I
couldn't
even
speak.
I
was
just
hysterical.
And
she
was
like,
you
really
should
go
to
a
meeting.
So
I
went
to
a
meeting.
Well,
she
was
like,
are
you
OK?
I
was
like,
no,
She
said,
have
you
been
to
a
meeting?
I
was
like,
no,
so
simple.
So
I
went
to
a
meeting
that
next
morning
and
I
found
a
girl
that
looked
relatively
young
because
I'm
a
product
of
young
people's.
And
I
found
a
young
girl
and
I
cornered
her
and
I
said,
I
need
a
friend.
You're
going
to
be
my
friend.
Can
we
go
out
for
coffee,
please?
And,
and
she
said,
yeah,
we
can
do
that.
There's
a
meeting
at
2:00
before
we
go
out
for
coffee.
You
should
go
to
the
meeting.
So
I
went
to
my
second
meeting
of
the
day,
second
of
what
would
be
3
meetings
that
day.
And
my
solution
to
my
problem
was
sitting
on
the
doorstep
seven
days
dry,
and
I
thought
it
was
about
me.
And
you
know
what,
100%
of
the
time
my
solution
is
about
you
guys.
It's
about
getting
out
there
and
helping
somebody
else.
And
she
was
seven
days
dry
and
she
thought
I
was
new
and
I
thought
she'd
been
around
for
a
long
time.
It
was
very
interesting
conversation
at
first
and.
By
the
end
of
the
meeting
I
was
her
sponsor
and
by
the
end
of
the
weekend
I
was
in
love
with
New
Hampshire.
Period.
You
know,
there
have
been
a
lot
of
things
in
my
life
that
have
happened
that
have
been
life
on
God's
terms
can
be
very
difficult
sometimes.
And
almost
100%
of
the
time,
without
fail,
when
I'm
dealing
with
life
on
God's
terms,
there's
a
New
Girl.
Just
two
less
than
two
weeks
ago,
I
was
traveling
to
visit
my
grandfather
and
halfway
there,
almost
having
an
anxiety
attack
because
of
some
fear.
And
I
had
my
phone
in
my
hand
and
I
was
trying
to
decide
if
I
was
going
to
call
my
sponsor
or
if
I
was
going
to
call
my
husband
or
if
I
was
going
to
call
my
mommy.
And
I'm
holding
the
phone
and
I'm
holding
the
steering
wheel.
And
I'm
thinking
about
these
things
and
I'm
trying
to
breathe
and
not
hyperventilate.
And
my
phone
rings
and
it's
her
and
her
days
much
worse
than
mine.
And
that's
basically
the
way
it
works
all
the
time.
There's
always
a
her.
God
always
presents
the
solution
and
it's
my
job
to
take
action
on
it.
So,
you
know,
that's
been
my
experience.
I
am
had
a
spiritual
awakening
as
a
result
of
the
steps
and
no
longer
have
a
drink
problem.
It
has
been
a
very
long
time
since
I
had
to
fight,
thought
to
drink,
but
those
are
the
things
I
have
to
do
to
stay.
Those
principles,
those
actions
are
the
things
that
I
have
to
do
to
stay
fit
with
God
so
that
God
can
continue
to
fight
my
alcoholism
for
me.
So
I
have
to
tell
you
that,
you
know,
since
I've
been
sober,
there
have
been
some
really
amazing
things
happen
in
my
life.
I'm
going
to
wrap
this
up
just
a
few
minutes,
so
stay
with
me.
I
was
a
woman
who
couldn't
complete
a
thing,
lacked
the
power
to
complete
anything,
lack
the
power
to
stay
present
in
a
relationship,
lack
the
power
to
be
unselfish
in
relationships.
And
what
has
happened
since
I've
been
sober
is
that
God
has
arranged
miraculous
things
out
there
and
He
is
repaired
relationships
that
I
was
certain
were
dead.
He
has
completed
things
in
my
life
that
I
never
thought
I
deserved,
and
He's
given
me
more
than
I
ever
thought
I
wanted.
And
you
hear
that
all
the
time
in
meetings.
I
got
a
life
beyond
my
wildest
dreams.
Well,
that's
just
the
way
it
is.
That's
it.
That's
true.
That's
the
best
way
to
describe
it.
I
am.
My
mom
is
here
today
and
my
mom
is
my
best
friend
in
the
whole
world.
But
when
I
got
sober,
my
mom
and
I
couldn't
even
be
in
the
same
room
together.
And,
and
it
was,
it
was
a
mutual
feeling,
I
think.
And
today
my
mother
is
recovering
in
al
Anon
and
not
only
is
she
my
mom
and
my
best
friend,
but
she's
a
spiritual
sister.
And
I
can
call
her
and
do
10
steps
with
her
and
I
can
tell
her
about
what's
really
going
on
in
my
life.
And
it's
amazing
how
God
has
shown
me
how
to
be
the
daughter
he
wanted
me
to
be.
It's
a
little
different
than
the
daughter
I
thought
I
wanted
to
be.
God's
ideas
about
that
are
much
better
than
my
own.
My
my
sister
is
my
best
friend
and
she's
half
of
me.
And
before
I
got
sober
she
looked
at
me
one
day
and
said
sometimes
I
just
wish
you'd
die
so
it
wouldn't
hurt
so
much.
And
today
my
sister
and
I
can't
almost
go
a
day
or
two
without
speaking
because
she's
my
best
friend
and
God
has
shown
me
how
to
repair
that
relationship.
And
the
principles
of
the
program
have
shown
her
that
didn't
have
to
be
the
way
it
was.
I
caused
that.
I
caused
that
sweet
girl
a
lot
of
hurt,
you
know,
and
that's
sort
of
the
way
it
is
with
all
the
relationships
in
my
family.
There
isn't
really
isn't
anybody
in
my
family
that
don't
have
an
unbelievable
relationship
with
today.
I
have
relationships
with
my
friends
that
are
just
I
never
knew
where
I
fit
in.
I
never
knew
who
I
belonged
with.
I
always
just
was
really
busy
being
whatever
I
thought
you
wanted
me
to
be
so
that
you
would
like
me
so
that
I
would
feel
OK
about
myself,
or
covering
up
who
I
really
was
so
that
I
could
look
a
little
more
like
you,
so
you'd
like
me
so
I'd
feel
OK
about
myself.
And
today
I'm
100%
cool
being
who
I
am,
whatever
that
looks
like.
And
I'm
comfortable
in
that,
in
my
relationships
with
you.
And
I
have
friends
that.
So
I'm
home
right
now
and
some
of
my
best
girlfriends
here
threw
a
baby
shower
for
me
a
few
weeks
ago
and
we
were
all
sitting
around
talking.
And
we've
grown
up
in
sobriety
together
and
I
moved
away
four
years
ago
and
here
we
all
are
just
four
years,
four
years
more
sober
than
we
were
when
I
left.
Still
friends,
still
in
contact.
That's
God
showing
me
how
to
be
a
friend,
showing
me
how
to
be
who
I
am
and,
and
how
to
maintain
those
relationships.
And
it's
beautiful
and
it's
amazing.
And
I
want
to
grow
old
with
these
girls.
And
I
believe
that
I
can
because
God
shows
me
how
to
be
the
friend
God
wants
me
to
be.
I
moved
to
New
Hampshire
to
go
to
college.
Before
I
did
that,
I
graduated
from
college
here
in
Arkadelphia,
which
was
amazing
because
I
went
to
five
colleges.
A
couple
of
those
I
flunked
out
of.
And
the
year
before
I
moved
to
New
Hampshire,
I
got
a
bachelor's
degree
and
cried
the
whole
way
across
the
stage.
It
was
like,
and
there
are
people
here
today
that
were
at
my
graduation,
you
all
came.
It
was
a
beautiful
day.
It
was
a
day
that
was
proof
that
God
could
do
anything
in
my
life.
He
could
even
be
an
organic
chemist
because
that
was
what
happened
at
my
final
exam.
I
took
God
and
I
said,
got
a
problem.
It's
organic
chemistry
and
it's
your
deal.
And
God
passed
us
by
the
hair
on
my
chin.
And
every
time
I
look
at
my
degree,
I
think
that's
proof
of
God
because
my
best,
my
best
behavior
in
school
was
to
flunk
out.
I
registered
for
classes
I
don't
show
up
for.
And
so
why
I
moved
to
New
Hampshire
was
to
go
back
to
Graduate
School,
which
was
something
I
never
thought
I
wanted
to
do.
And,
and
I
moved
to
New
Hampshire
and,
and
I
love
being
a
student,
by
the
way,
and
I'm
kind
of
good
at
it
'cause
you
all
taught
me
how
to
be
responsible,
how
to
show
up
and
how
to
complete
things.
God
taught
me
that,
and
you
all
taught
me
that
here
and
in
service.
Oh
good
Lord,
in
service.
I
went
to
Graduate
School
and
what
I
learned
was
that
I
didn't
like
what
I
was
studying
very
much.
I
spent
a
lot
of
money
and
a
lot
of
time
in
a
subject
that
just
doesn't
interest
me
anymore.
But
it
was
an
amazing
experience
and
I
wouldn't
take
it
back.
And
I'm
completely
comfortable
with
Minimat
today
that
I
went
to
school
for
something
I
don't
want
to
do.
That's
OK.
It
was
the
journey.
It's
not
about
where
I'm
getting.
I
learned
a
lot
about
myself
and
a
lot
about
God
in
that
laboratory.
But
what
happened
when
I
moved
there
was
I
met
a
boy
and
I,
I
wasn't
interested
in
meeting
a
boy.
We
actually
the
first
conversation
we
had
because
we
were
really
attracted
like
magnets
to
each
other
and,
and,
and
we
had
a
lot
to
talk
about
and
he
was
a
lot
of
fun
to
hang
out
with
him.
The
first
time
we
were
hanging
out
with
a
whole
bunch
of
people
and
the
first
time
we
were
alone,
I
was
like,
just
so
you
know,
I
moved
here
to
go
to
school
and
he
was
like,
just
so
you
know,
I'm
not
interested
in
a
relationship.
I
just
got
out
of
one
not
doing
it.
And
by
the
end
of
the
week,
we
were
dating.
I'm
very
clear
today
that
my
move
to
New
Hampshire
was
not
about
college.
It
was
about
him.
Last
year
we
got
married
and
that
was
something
I
thought
I
never
deserved.
And
if
you
look
at
my
inventory,
I
was
not
a
woman
who
who
acted
like
she
deserved
that.
And
I
never
thought
I
would
be
worth
it.
And
I
never
thought
that
anybody
would
ever
want
to
be
with
me.
And
our
wedding
was
the
happiest
day
of
our
lives
and
it
was
beautiful.
And
I
don't
have
a
clue
how
to
be
a
wife,
but
you
know,
God
shows
me,
God
shows
us,
he's
one
of
us
too.
And,
and
God
shows
us
how
to
show
up
and
how
to
be
partners.
And
that's
been
really
amazing
because,
you
know,
I
don't
know
how
to
do
those
things,
but
it's
not
my
job
to
know
how
to
do
those
things.
It's
God's
job
to
show
me.
And
God
does.
My
job
is
to
ask
for
it
and
be
willing
and
to
move
my
little
feet
when
God
says
move
so
and
now
we're
going
to
have
a
baby.
And
getting
to
this
place
has
been
very,
very
difficult.
And
you
know,
every
day
today
is
a
day
I
learn
where
there's
not
enough
God
in
my
life.
Every
day
today
is
a
day
where
I
learn
where
I
have
to
give
more
of
me
to
God.
And
I
learn
where
I'm
falling
short
and
where
I'm
not
giving
God
enough
of
me.
Where
some
old
ideas
are
creeping
in.
And
I
had
some
old
ideas
around
having
a
child
of
my
own
that
obviously
didn't
work
for
me.
And
in
the
last
two
years,
we've
tried
very,
very,
very
hard
to
have
this
baby.
And
what
happened
at
the
very
beginning
of
this
year
was
that
I
finally
threw
up
my
hands
and
surrendered
and
said,
OK,
God,
it
can
be
however
you
want
it
to
be.
And
I
became
willing
again,
just
like
I
did
that
day.
I
did
the
work
with
my
sponsor,
just
like
I
have
on
many
occasions,
to
let
it
be
God's
way,
whatever
that
was
going
to
look
like.
And
and
then
I
got
pregnant
and
he's
very
healthy
and
very
big
and
I'm
very
grateful.
And
every
time
I
put
my
hands
on
my
belly,
I
think
this
is
proof
that
God
knows
how
to
make
me
happy
and
that
God
can
handle
my
life.
And
that
if
you're
new
or
even
if
you're
not
new
and
life
is
becoming
impossible,
we
have
a
way
out
on
which
we
absolutely
agree
in
the
way
that
we
do
that
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
in
the
12
steps.
There
are
a
lot
of
other
ways
to
get
sober,
but
what
we
do
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
the
12
steps.
And
my
experience
is
that
God
does
not
let
me
down.
Period.
If
you're
sitting
here
today
doubting
whether
or
not
you
want
this
or
need
this,
all
I
can
say
is
that
my
experience
has
been
that
God
has
never
let
me
down.
Never.
You
know,
there
are
a
few
simple
requirements,
but
so
that's
my
story.
I'm
really
grateful
to
be
here.
There
are
a
lot
of
y'all
here
and
umm,
and
that's
a
really
amazing
thing.
So,
you
know,
it's
easy
at
these
conferences
to
have
a
lot
of
fun
and
to
forget
what
we're
doing
here.
But
what
we're
doing
here
is
recovering
one
day
at
a
time
from
a
fatal
disease.
And
we
do
that
in
a
relationship
with
God.
So
take
that
home
to
your
home
groups.
I'm
going
to
take
that
home
to
my
Home
group.
Look
for
who
we
can
carry
this
message
to
because
that's
what
this
deal
is
about.
And
when
we
do
that,
what
we
get
to
do
here
is
have
a
lot
of
fun,
but
we
have
to
go
home
to
our
home
and
carry
the
message
that's
in
the
book,
which
is
that
if
you
work
the
12
steps,
you
too
can
develop
a
relationship
with
God
that
will
solve
all
your
problems.
So
that's
all
I
have
to
say.