Benchmark Recovery in Manor, TX

Hey guys, my name is Audrey Chapman. I'm recovered alcoholic. Hello, welcome. Where are the family members? They're like,

I'm not asking where they're drunk. We don't. Chains are welcome. We are so glad to have you here. Let me let me just say that we wouldn't be here without the family members. We just wouldn't. There's a lot of us that would be gone today. So thank you so much for what you all have done and for showing up and being a part of the residents recovery. That's such a cool, cool deal. I mean, I've sat in that chair too, so I'll tell you all about that too. If Alanon had a draft, they'd be after me. They're just,

there are so many of them. But anyway, umm, like I said, I'm a recovered alcoholic. I am honored to be here tonight and to tell my story. I'm going to talk a little bit about what I was like, what happened, and what I'm like now. And the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and Cocaine Anonymous and Drug Addicts Anonymous that I just absolutely adore. And I wouldn't have told you that eight years ago. I didn't come through these doors. Please be here. You know,

Marsha and I are very, very different people and it's an interesting dynamic that we've created. Marcia came through the door and like, busted it in, right.

Will's being real crazy and loud and, and you knew she was here. That's not how I came on the scene. I'm very shy, very quiet. It's very deceitful. And I will slide in the back door, stand in the corner, assess the situation and then play my cards. And so you don't usually see me coming. And so it, it was an interesting way that I got to alcoholic synonymous. I I came, like I said, from a family full of drunks. The only one that was noticeable

when I was young was my father. Just a real, real bad alcoholic. And I adore my parents. They

are phenomenal people. They just are. And I certainly am not an alcoholic because my parents were divorced or I came from a hard childhood or had some some issues growing up. Those things were certainly true, but that's not the reason that that I drank. I drink because I'm bodily mentally different than my fellow man. I just AM.

I'm also driven by an internal condition that untreated, I will pick up a drink over and over and over. And you residents know exactly what I'm talking about. Could you hear it all the time. It's taught in Big Book. If you're a family member and you don't have a big Book, let me encourage you to buy one, read it, see what this thing is about and it's vital information on why we do what we do. We are a different breed of people, are we not? So many family members are sitting back scratching your head and going seriously,

I get that,

I get that. And, and I did that for a long time until my alcoholism took me to a place where I was the one doing those things and, and living that way. So I grew up in a, a small town out in East Texas. Do you guys know where Sulphur Springs, TX is? And I won't admit it, This one over here,

little mini town, they got the Walmart. It was like big new ones.

We're up on a dairy. I mean, it just was a hot mess, but it was a lot of fun. I grew up in a house full of love,

but alcoholism was ever present. And when I was six years old, my mother made the decision to leave my father. And and what's so sad about that is that she will tell you till this to this day that he's her soul mate. You know, that she absolutely loved and adore him still, you know, would consider him a best friend. But that's what alcoholism does it it it devastates everything around us. It just does.

And so we left as a result of his drinking. And my mother's thought process was, if I can get my child out of the situation,

hopefully she won't be one of them, you know, And so she, she attempted to coddle me and mold me and, and groom me into being this, this person and to keep me from the alcoholism and, and you know how that goes. And lo and behold, it just happened anyway. And, and so she remarried, my father remarried. I grew up with a step siblings, half siblings, and I grew up with a lot of family members and I was kind of back and forth between mom and dad and and

fact was I have a family that loves and adores and and fought over who got to spend more time with me. The feeling was I was the child from the first marriage who got lost in the shuffle. And that's how my alcoholism deluded me from day one. Anybody else in here a victim murder, right. I put your book on that. I mean to tell you it was like, well, I understand my parents are divorced. I came from a hard life and it's just like really. I remember my mom telling me one time, Audrey, you're not the one who got divorced.

You're not the one who lost your soul mate. And I'm like, right, right. That's that's true

felt devastating, you know, but it's like I can't see what's in front of me because I'm so delusional and self-centered. I make everything about me anybody else, right, Just if, even if it's just close to me, I'm going to make it about me and and so I grew up that way that I was depressed, severe anxiety disorder and issues around food. I mean, I just like

all turned in on myself all the time

in a huge way. I've always felt a little bit separate. Then you guys know what I mean by that? Like you walk in the room and everybody shouts your name and they don't know you. It's like, cheers, right, Norm? I mean, they don't know you. They're trying to connect with you, trying to interact and I'm still alone. What is that about? It's about an internal condition that separates me from everyone else. And I was always like that. Always, always. I remember being the kid of the the slumber parties that would go and hide in the closet and it'd be hits to when nobody came to find me

real buddies even noticed, You know, it's just like they're playing games. Get off the closet, you know, in this style of my life. And so it wasn't until I discovered

alcohol and drugs. That is about 15 years old and I'm in a back alley. We have moved to Denton, which is about a two hour ish drive from Sulphur Springs. So my dad stays in in Sulphur Springs with his wife and his other daughter and stepbrother and family and my mom and stepdad and I and other, you know, we all go over to Denton and I'm doing this back and forth game and, and I'm trying to fit it in the schools and I can't seem to make that work. My mom sent me to a private Christian School because I was having issues

with the girls at school

running that amount. And, and so she sends me to a private Christian School and she's all the time trying to mold me and set me up for success and put me on the right path and, and give me opportunities and I bust through every one of them. I'm damned if you tell me who I'm going to be. You know, it's just, I can't seem to accept what's been given to me. Just that arrogant, that arrogant. Anybody else that's looking at me is going, baby, you've got it laid out,

but I'm so arrogant I won't touch it. So I'm in the school district. I'm not happy because you're not going well.

And it's not that I'm not capable like selling sports, like sell in school. People want to be my friend, but I'm constantly giving them everybody the pushback. I'm in a back alley with a little boy from down the street and the first time alcohol hit the back of my throat and I could breathe. I could breathe and I'm with my step sister. Like I said, I think we're 1415, something like that. I held off for a very long time compared to some of you. People now had their first rank at two. I'm like.

No, my Mama was clocking me. Don't want you to end up like your daddy. And so we're out there and and all of a sudden I'm able to connect to this guy and I'm able to connect with my step sister in a manner which I had never experienced. Never. And I remember stumbling back over to the house and with my step sister and saying, is this for being loaded to look like she's like, yeah, this is it. I'm going to tell you something.

My intention was not to go way past the mark.

It wasn't, it wasn't I was trying to escape stuff. It was I was trying to get right. Do you guys know what I mean by that? I'm trying to settle in my own skin and a couple of drinks will do that for me. But I continue to to drink more and more. I'm not really sure what that's about at that point in time, but but it's what happens. And so I continue to get loaded as often as I can without anyone finding out, which is how I like to roll. I don't know about y'all, but I like to drink without consequence,

just hang out that way. But that's, that's what my what's what I'm attempting to do. And so I do this off and on through high school. And mind you, I'm showing up for Bible study, I'm showing up for Chapel. I can quote the scripture I put on the game face and I can be pleasant and do what I need to do. And I'm dying inside, absolutely dying inside. At this point I'm blessed my father got sober easily destructive.

My father got sober when I was I guess like

middle school, something like that, 5th, 6th grade. And by sober, I mean he went to charter hospital. Remember when those were on the scene, right. So he went to charter hospital, he dried out, took some vitamins. We went over Family Day through the football rounds. Good times. So he gets over and he goes to a a goes to a bunch of meetings, doesn't get a sponsor, doesn't work any steps. And so he's like stark raving sober. He's like, OK, Mr. Chapman needs a drink. But anyway, so he's doing that whole game and, and then at some point he

lapses. I don't realize it's a relapse because in my mind as a as a young person, if somebody had a problem with alcohol, they're no longer drinking, they're no longer an alcoholic. I didn't understand the concept that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, the disease will continue to progress whether or not I pick up a drink. There's a new concept for somebody like me. I used to say, my father used to be an alcoholic. He picked up a drink and he hooked a hard left after seven years

without a drink. So we began to drink together,

which has caused in that side of the family. And, and So what happens is, is that he, he gets really bad really quick. I'm in my late teens, early 20s, and things have started to get weird for me. I graduated from high school and decided that I needed to go away. You know, that whole day, like it's just so you get away from you. People

are just stressing me and I just need a new environment and a fresh start and a change of pace and that's going to do it. And the problem with that is is wherever I show up,

I show up full force on the scene with an internal condition, and I can change all my people, places and things, but I'm still me and I'm still irritable. Everybody and everything irritates me to death. The way you breathe is obnoxious. Obnoxious to me. Do you need to chew so loudly? That's why,

right? It's like I'm constantly like on the verge of that one real quick sharp, you know, thing that you shouldn't say. I'm always fighting that kind of deal. I'm restless. I can't sleep and when I do sleep it's not good sleep.

I can't ever shut the mind down and the only thing that seems to kill that is alcohol. And I'm discontent. I'm consistently saying things like I'll be happy with dot dot dot, I'll be OK if XY and Z could just all fall into place and state. And what's weird about that is that even when all of that lines up and the stars are just right and my ducks are in a row and it's all magical,

I'm unhappy and I get loaded

and it just consistently seems to be a problem for me. And so I go off to school thinking this is the first start. We go to a Baptist university.

All right, let me go to a Baptist university with the good kids. Because I know intuitively there is something to spirituality. I know innately that I'm drawn to that. But there's a block and a hindrance and I can't figure out what it is. I'm a woman that could sit in the church in all of the stained glass windows, quote the Scripture and know for sure

I will be load a bus up now without a doubt. And so I can't quite figure out what it is that these kids are happy. They absolutely love God. They absolutely are excited about education. They're excited about dating. They're excited. And I'm like, I hate every last one of y'all

might. I'm having to sneak off campus just to smoke a Marlboro, you know what I mean? I'm like, oh, this has got to go. And so, you know, one more time I call my mother. Hey, you know, this isn't really working for me. I've done a year here, put in my time

in the in a private education one more time. I demand the best, you know, and and haven't earned any of it. Let's be clear about that. Haven't earned any of it. I feel it's my God-given birthright. Oh, you have money then it's my money. Wow, Really. Yeah. That's that's what I thought. Absolutely arrogant of me. So my grandfather moves me back, moves me into an apartment back in Denton,

which is a good place to try to get your stuff together.

Didn't kill it. Frustrate. Anyway, some of you know, so, so back in Denton and I'm, you know, I just need to go to to Community College. That's the way to go. I need to change all my friends. I need to change La La La La la and go work at a daycare,

right? I'm like sweating out bourbon chasing little kids.

But I adore kids. I do. And I didn't really know that. And I fell in love with this little boy named Hayden. He was, I guess,

one year old year and a half like that at the time, and I fell in love with him. It was the first time that I felt maternal about a child who was not one of my siblings. And it was like, Oh my God, I could get excited about being a mom someday. I could get excited about marriage. I could get excited about normal people's stuff

and, and, and I just love this little boy. And so I'm working at this daycare and I'm going to school kind of and, and I'm babysitting him. I'm like a nanny at this point. Like in nights and weekends, I nanny for this little boy

and progressively things begin to get worse. I can't quit drinking. And when we go out with people, they're having the fun cocktails, you know what I mean? They're the the pretty ones. They're all full of sugar. I'm like, I don't even want alcohol in that, but whatever

straw. But I'm like, I need to figure out a system and I'm I'm very systematic about the way I drink. You know, I'll get with that. I got my drinks beforehand, the drinks that are allotted in public

and when the drinks afterwards. And then I'm going to have to smoke some weed before I go to bed. I'm going to take some sleeping pills. I'm going to have to, I mean, I just got to all be situated just so. And if any little component is out of whack, I'm going to lose it, right? And so I never ran out, never. I don't have any experience with that people like I just ran out alcohol. I'm like, really? You didn't think that through. I mean,

I was stockpiled and there might be a flood. Like I lived alone. I moved out of this apartment and my grandfather built a house and

and I had a couple little roommates. I ran them off eventually and I would, I lived alone and I hid alcohol, right? I'm like constantly stockpiling this stuff and I won't ever let anybody borrow my pipes. Nope. These are my cousins. You know that one cousin that you borrow and stuff from camera loan anything out. No, we can't use that stuff. No, you can't have any of this. And then people, oh, let's share. Let's share a bottle. I'm like, no, no baby, I'll buy you one, but we're not sharing.

I don't like to drink with girls. They wouldn't share everything. Go bathroom together

same time. I'm like, no, when you go to the bathroom, I'm going to get another shot. So anyway, so I'm living in this house and and I eventually stopped going to school because it just becomes difficult. You know, I just can't, I can't show up for things on time. And when I do, I am a wreck. I'm coming to tell a professor that I have mono, you know, because I shuffle in and I look rough.

Some of y'all do the alcohol and dump thing and you don't look back. Now I do. It's very obvious when I go off the chain and I used to show up at my parents' house if like let their garage door up in the middle of the night and steal alcohol from them and then leave.

And then I go over during the middle of the day and take food from them. And my mom is very, she has always been very social. She was in a sorority. She's still in a sorority. She's like in her late 50s. They still meet. It's like legit

bizarre. I don't know anything about that. So I would show up and she'd be having like tea parties and I mean, Oh my God, I was shuffling like freaking. My hair looks crazy. I have more makeup forever and, and just want to kind of look at them and go to the kitchen and take food And it's like you can see the embarrassment or she's like, this is my oldest daughter.

She's a disaster.

You know, she didn't say that, but she wanted to. It's just a very embarrassing and I begin to compromise who I was as a human being. I began to do things that are unacceptable to me. And and it's weird how you can have like that those like the big will cause a moral and philosophical convictions galore. And it's like a standard set of right and wrong, what's OK and what's not OK? And I begin to compromise those in full force.

I stopped paying bills. I stopped turning on lights. I start taking things that don't belong to me, including, you know, your man. You know, it's like I suddenly have no values whatsoever. And let me let me tell you, that's not who I am. It's really not. And it's not how I was raised. And it's not who I wanted to be. And it was the kind of person that I judged. And then I talked about and all of a sudden I'm looking in the mirror and that's who I've become.

I'm fully supported by finances that don't belong to me. And I've been very, very incredibly selfish and dishonest about that. And so I, I eventually, like I said, I lived with these guys. I don't know why I thought that was going to be a good idea, but a couple of guys that I gone to high school with, I thought it would be fun to live in a house with them

instead of living with girls. And what started off being cute about how much I could drink started getting embarrassing. And towards the end of it, they had just had enough. And I lived on a urine stained mattress constantly. I mean, it just got very sick and very weird. It always gets really quiet. All the normal people in the room are like, Oh my God,

she sleeps in your room. Yeah,

and it just was. And, and that was the thing that I fear the most is I didn't want to be what my father had become. And it, I don't just mean an alcoholic,

but when people would talk about him, they go, oh, yeah, Mr. Chapman, I mean, he lost his career and he lost his wife and he lost his child. It's very sad. And they pitied him. And I was like, I will never be that person. And then all of a sudden I overhear it, people talking about me and the way that I live my life and going. I know it's sad. And I'm just like, oh, God, I become that person. But there's absolutely nothing that I could do about it. I begin to try to rein it in. You'll know what I mean by that. I'm not trying to quit,

just trying to reel it in a little bit. And it's impossible to do that. And when I do pull it off, it's like nails on a chalkboard. I'm unhappy without alcohol or drugs in my life. I'd say it. And so it's at this point in time that I begin to get in trouble because I don't know what it is about me when I get loaded. I got somewhere to be.

I need to be in the car and I was just pitiful. I had nowhere to be and nobody wanted to see me and people had stopped answering my phone calls long ago.

They've done an intervention on me. Anybody else in here had an intervention?

They thankfully picked a spokesperson who lived in Chicago. And so they did it via telephone. This was stupid. So they called me and I'm like in the back of a pickup truck with a couple of guys, and we're drunk and high. And they're saying, OK, well, here's the situation. We're doing an intervention. I'm like, nothing was so real like the word intervention. And I'm like, listen, let me stop you before you even get there.

I have had a problem and I want to go and hit that. But I've reined it in and I understand. And I'm just like, out of my mind, right? And I convinced them everything is going to be OK. I mean, just the level of dishonesty. And I'm like, kind of listening to the conversation and watching these two guys, like, interact with each other in this real bizarre manner. What we do. We're in a graveyard. Like, that's my life.

We're like, Oh my God, I'm getting an intervention via telephone. It's great.

So but it is

so anyway, it gets real weird and, and I'm driving around all the time. These guys have gone away. These people in general have gone away and and I live to get loaded. I don't come out during daylight hours. I keep very dark, weird hours. I wake up at 5 PMI go to bed at 5:00 AM. Don't ask me to do anything like go to the grocery store, get my oil changed. I don't know how to be around people.

I stopped going to the grocery store because I just couldn't handle it. And my mom would go and get food and she would drop it off at my house. And it just got very pitiful. And that's how I live my life. And I sat in the garage and I chain smoked and I drank and I hated you. And that's what that looked like. I wasn't sure who I hated more, you or me.

I couldn't decide, but that's what I spent my time pondering.

And when nightfall I would drive the back country roads and listen to music and in a dark depression and throw beer bottles out the window and and get high. And I did what I did. And that happened for a very, very long time

until, gosh, 2003, 2004. And then people reached out to me and tried to help me.

I had lied. I stopped going around people. So it was very, it was very easy to lie over the phone and tell them I'm still in school, I'm still working, I'm still doing stuff. And they kept me in a very good moment, like in a small window, I could convince them. So when my dad health again failed due to his alcoholism, my stepmom called me and said we're going to have to do an intervention on your dad. And I'm like, I'm on it, you know,

well, you know, but I'm like, I'm in it to win it with this. And so I'm like, I still have an e-mail of God. I, I read it not long ago,

this past year, and it was like telling her like, you know, we just need to pray like we've never prayed before. And when you come together and this will be OK. And it's like,

what are you saying? Look at the way you're living your life. But I am an absolute liar. I live a double life. And the reality is I didn't know that there was a different way for me. I could see that you people were doing it successfully. You were living these lives where you were happy, you were free and you were light hearted

and you laugh things off and it was just the weirdest thing I've ever seen. But I knew that that would never be the case for me. So I go home to do this intervention on my father, meet with the pastor, and the pastor wants to blame my father for my drinking. And I'm like, I'm not war with that.

If we can pin anything on anybody else, I will sign up for that new. Mind you, my father is my closest friend. Love and adore that man. Absolutely do. But if you come close to my drinking, I'll roll over on like that.

I mean, in any other circumstance in life, I'll take the blame. I mean, like I said, I'm a martyr. I'm like, oh, that was me. Let's just find a solution to move on. I will absolutely take the blame. You look at my drinking and want to come at me A roll of onion. And so we go home to do this intervention. And I'm watching him. He's standing in the he's loaded, but he's not drunk. And we can't figure out what he's on or what he's doing and he's too messed up to do the intervention. And he's standing in the back bedroom. The master bedroom is on the end of the house. And I walk back there, kind of sneak up on him,

and I'm watching him and it's like the weirdest thing I've ever seen. And he's standing in the mirror and he's talking to himself. And he's doing that thing where he sways and he talks to himself and he's trying to psych himself. You know what I'm saying? Like, make yourself feel better. And I'm thinking, he's 50 at the time, 4950, and I'm 22. And I'm thinking

I could make it like, not the drinking's gonna kill me. It's about to.

I'm physically almost as bad as him, but I'm thinking, what if I made it to 50, continuing to live the way that I live? I'd rather die. I'd rather die. And that was the fear that kind of sank in, like, Oh my God, this could never end, ever. It could go on forever. And I've already reconciled with the fact that my life was going to be like this sickness that I'd already lived in. But I didn't expect to live forever. I'd already picked out funeral songs,

right?

I mean, I was expecting to die at some point in the very near future in my early 20s. And it frightened me to think that, oh, my God, I could live to be 50 this way. And I remember I left his house and I got out on the back country roads and, and I called my mother, who I feared. I feared. She's got a master's degree. She was in the Miss Texas pageant. She can do anything She sets her mind to. Bright, beautiful, determined woman.

I could never measure up to her ever. And I remember I called her and I just,

she said, how did the intervention go? How's your dad? Is everything OK? And I said, mom, I'm an alcoholic and I need some help. And as soon as those words flew out, I went, Oh, dear God,

real man, you know, because I had gone to her for help before. Mom, I'm drinking. Things are out of control. There's bad situations going on. I don't know what to do. It hurt. Her answer for that was Andre. You need to knock it off,

which sounds like a viable solution, doesn't it? Like it? Grow up, make better decisions, get responsible, make a better choice. And so I'm armed with that decision and I can't pull it off. And I fail over and over and over wondering why. So I say these words to her and she said we're going to have, we need to do something. And I'm like, absolutely, I've got to go somewhere. Like I need some help.

I'm not attending school, I'm not working.

I don't know about y'all, but when I can't work, what I do is I go work for my family

because you don't have to show up, but you can still draw a paycheck.

So I I stopped showing up at their agency a long time ago, but I was continuing to draw income very dishonestly from them, always promising I have to get a stomach ache. Oh, I've got this. Oh, I've got that. I can't even tell you. Like the round of doctors visits. They do the endoscope and go down and we're trying to figure out what's wrong with her stomach is a vomiting vodka on them, you know,

So she's like, Andre, I need you to stay sober and come home. And we're going to figure this out. And I'm like, we're going to have to do something. I don't know what that looks like and we'll have to do something. So I go home immediately get loaded. The very thought of never taking a drink again is horrifying to me. It horrifies me almost as much as the thought of continuing to drink the way that I drank. And so I go back and,

and get loaded the way I get loaded and, and we decide that I need to go somewhere and be confined for a period of time because I am not somebody.

And this happens. I sponsor women like this. I have friends like this that can come in off the street inside the rooms and get sober and stay sober. And that's a beautiful thing. I'm not knocking that. I am a woman who can't stay away from it for a day. I mean a day. And so I'm like willing to go away somewhere. I'm like, please take me somewhere. I can't do this. And so my mom's flipping through the back of a phone book in a Denton phone book. And we find this facility down in South Texas. And so we think it's like on a Monday, we decided to do this. And on Thursday is the day of check in.

Got that small little window of about to go to treatment time

and I didn't know you could show up at treatment loaded.

I was so angry when I got there.

Two day drive with my mother. Overnight action,

nothing in my system right? It was like detoxing on the way down. And my mom is like so positive

and cheerful. I'm like, Oh my goodness, it's going to be fabulous. You'll find out what you're doing and be like summer camp,

like I hate summer camp, I hate people like please don't try to be positive about this. And I'm real clear I drink because of you. So we don't need to,

you know, like I understand what's happening.

I show up down there. If it was loaded, I'm angry. Get out of the car. And I'm one of those those girls that I will like Marsha, I will bite the inside of my mouth until I bleed before I cry in front of you.

Won't I won't. I just won't. And it's a funny thing that happens when you remove the solution from my life. I come on the wound. It's a funny thing, family members, isn't it? You get them here, you remove the substance and think this is going to be great. And they lose their minds because you believe the only solution that we have and we were just losing. So I, I remember

crying to the intake nurse and I'm like, who's a male intake nurse? And I'm just like, I don't know if I can do this and I'm scared of it. And you know how they are. They just shuffle you in like cattle. You're fine, baby. Go on.

And I remember my mom saying she later told me this. She said I told them when they were back there doing the strip search just fabulous and all that stuff that you were sensitive. You get to be easy with this one. She is sensitive. She said they looked at her and said oh honey, they all are all sensitive and sound center. So so I get down there that they they begin to talk about the solution to alcoholism and drug addiction in a way in which I had

fur heard it. I've been to some meetings, court order and I figured out you could sign your own paper. And I was like, no,

had my mom sign in my paper.

She signed it all in the same handwriting and the same color pit. I was like, really though, you couldn't throw a left hand in there.

Judge looking at this and with it.

So I have a couple weird experiences in AA where I showed up and somebody told their story one night and then another night it was like a topic meeting and it was very bizarre and there was not, I don't know, there was a solution in the room. I didn't hear it. But again, I wasn't searching for it at that time. So when I got there, I wasn't there for a a wasn't there for 12 steps. I was there to get some separation from my problem, get on a treadmill,

certificates and vitamins, get some sleep, you know, do these kinds of things. And they started talking about the big book and the solution. And I'm like, hold up. What are you saying That I'm not a bad person? Are you? Are you saying that I don't do this because I don't care about myself or the people around me? And they started talking about

the allergy in my body. And I'm thinking, Oh my God, I'm not allergic to alcohol. I can put it away, right? This is not a problem for me. But then they go on to explain this phenomenon of craving. And I'm like, that's why I do what I do. That's why when you guys leave, I continue to drink.

That's why when I'm on the floor and I can't walk or speak, I'm searching for another drink. I remember being arrested one time. They said you shouldn't be able to stand your blood alcohol level get much less drive. And I'm like, buddy, I got a case wait for me at the house. I'm not even done because my body demands that I have more and more and it's suddenly things begin to click into into place and this inability to make a decision and stick with it around staying away from alcohol for good for all. And I'm like, Oh my God,

that's why dad does what he does. And it just clicks. I'm sick, you know, And, and it was probably some of the best information I had ever gotten ever gotten, because it meant that if there was a problem and I wasn't just a piece of you know what, there might be a way out for me. I didn't believe that there would be, but I was willing to do some some searching for it. They gave me the number of a woman in Dallas named Julie. And she was here last last month. She's here. She.

They said

you need to call this lady when you give back to Dallas and let her sponsor you, let her take you through the work. And I got excited about sobriety. I'm listening to speaker tapes. I mean, I'm burning them up. I got a big book. I'm highlighting. I mean, it's just like, Oh my God, a whole new world came into view. And I get home because it's like a bubble here, right? I get home and life looms large.

I have created storm and it's waiting on me. And I get home and I'm a broken, fragile child at 22 years old body that is just worn out. And and I show up at this group called Primary Purpose in Dallas and there's 100 people there. I don't do people right. I'm like, oh God. And when I first got sober, I always wore a baseball hat and I would pull it down over my eyes so I could have to look at you. I wouldn't make eye contact. I didn't speak. I was very bizarre.

I'm not going to went back to the student Center for an annual reunion. They didn't know who I was because I would slide in the back door and sit down. I would never say anything. Julie was voted worst patient ever. No, I'm just kidding. But she was like least likely to succeed or something like that.

They were chasing her down on a golf cart just like you women that run down this hill to chase some of y'all too. I remember

Tracy's good. Tracy always catches him.

So I get back to Dallas and I hear Julia speak. And she is

powerful. And it scared me to death. I was like, I don't know about all this, but as time progressed and I wasn't doing the work, I got worse away from a drink. It was the most bizarre thing I had ever seen. I was still scared of what you thought. I still had no ambition. I was still frightened to speak to people. I don't want to go anywhere. I didn't want to do anything. And and it just all of a sudden clicks, like I'm getting ready to get loaded. I spent six months crazy inside the rooms and Alcoholics Anonymous

and at six months sober I can't decide. Should I drink and try to stay because I put everybody on notice? I'm in recovery this day.

I'm always like, you know, I got to put everybody on this. So I'm like, I can't decide if I'm going to drink and stay and try to run game on everybody and I know that's not going to work or if I should just drink and go away because I'm that uncomfortable without bourbon in the solution of 12 steps. I mean, that's halfway point where I watch a lot of us stay forever. For years. You could stay there. And it's very unfortunate because it doesn't have to be that way.

So I show up one night at 10:00 at Julie's house and I'm like, I'm just losing it. And she can see it. And she begins to take me through the work that night. It's 4:00 in the morning. We're on our news doing a third step prayer. I was convinced that my alcoholism was getting ready to kill me. At that point.

I was convinced. And I'm gonna tell you something. I love willingness. I love to sponsor somebody with willingness. But give me desperation

since chills all down my legs and I used to listen to a guy at my group JK that would say that give me desperation. You start sponsoring people with some desperation. It is a joy, an absolute joy to watch the light on fire right. So we we burn through these steps and in a matter of less than a week, probably we've done my fist up, I've done 6:00 and 7:00. I've, I'm starting to make amends

and I'm working from a place of I don't ever want to live like this again, drunk or sober, you know, and I began to chase the solution. And I remember leaving her house one afternoon. We'd done some, some sort of step work. I'm, I'm sure. And I remember thinking to myself, I could, I could do this forever. I could get excited about this way of life really not just being in the meanings and saying hi and highlighting and playing the game like we do. I could get excited about

living these steps

and live in these principles and my life began to change and it's never been the same. I got to make so many amends.

I love there's a picture of a Cliff over there. I get to make amends to my family and watch that stuff come back together. And I remember making amends to my grandfather. I mean, my grandfather is an amazing man, Amazing came from nothing and and just so spiritually grounded. It's like funny and he taught me so much and, and I

earned him up, you know, and I got sober. He sold that house, which I had turned into. It's like a brand new neighborhood, brand new homes going up, lots of families, lots of happiness. And then, you know, there's that one house,

nobody ever mows the lawn or spear cans. Somebody's pick up his perk sideways and they're like, oh God, I'm half naked out there smoking somebody, right?

Jeez, He's like, we're selling that house. You can live with your mother, which is a no, no, or you can come and live with me. And I lived with him. He put me through college. I mean, set me on a path to success. And I seized every opportunity that man has given me.