The Sunday Night Speakers of Orange meeting in Orange, CA

Let's welcome our speaker for tonight, DeAndre.

Hello, my name is DeAndre. I'm an alcoholic,

my sobriety birthday is May the 29th, 1991 and my sponsor is Jimmy Moss and I'm a member of the Noons it's group. Thanks for having me. I'm here. Leave it all the way to Orange County.

I don't spend a lot of time in Orange County, but

I'm here at this meeting. I want to thank my friends for coming to hear me talk. And welcome to the new people, those that stayed after the break and those that didn't.

It's really good to be sober. I'm really grateful to be here. I just got off the phone with one of the people that I sponsor who lives on the other side of the country, and we're talking about our relationships with each other and the people were trying to help and all the stuff that goes along with that. And it's really an honor and a privilege to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous, especially to show up sober.

I know a lot of my friends have trouble with that

and I've been sober since my very first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous so far. I grew up in a little town called Watts. I, I guess that's right outside of Orange County and

we, I lived over there for a long, long time. I live in a housing project for about 14 1/2 years and lived there with my mother and all six of her children.

And I grew up in a neighborhood where this disease is sort of worshipped, and there's a lot of maintenance to keep it going. And I loved it. I loved it. I like being able to wake up early in the morning and help my mother clean up these parties that she used to have.

My my mother is like Mardi Gras every night at my mother's house. And

I loved, I loved my mother always made alcoholic fun, you know, and I just remember, you know, joining right in like everybody else. And that turned into a fatal obsession long before I realized it. And I didn't recognize that until I had gotten sober and started taking, you know, the Staffs and did an inventory and could clearly see

that my, my drinking, even in the beginning, was no mere habit.

And I, I just remember getting the ease and comfort at once when I would take a first drink. And I've never had one drink in my life. I don't know what that means,

but the first drink that I drank, I felt with the big book describes for a guy like me and I, I, I just remember sort of, you know, getting into an adversarial attitude about my drinking

very early on. If anybody was going to get in the way of that, there was going to be a problem.

And even though I was the problem is still a problem because I didn't want to stop once I started. And there were other party favors along with that. And I know I'm in an A meeting and I don't want to get in any outside issue. But, you know, alcohol cease to be a luxury and it got real necessary for me to drink

as time went on

and I just wound up being a really crazy person in between drinking. And if I got in a situation where I had to go somewhere or be somewhere or, you know, do something, I, I felt better having a little drinky poo before I went on down there. And that worked until, of course, like most of us here, I stopped showing up.

I would make plan to go somewhere after a drink and for some reason I would forget where I was going. Or I would say, what the hell, I don't need to go anyway. And the reason why that started becoming a real serious issue is because it started affecting other people. And

what happened was I, I got really, really interested in a lot of different things when I was younger. And at one point I was going to be a California Highway patrolman.

I was really interested in that. I was in the, I think I was in the 10th, 11th, going into the 11th grade in high school. And I had told myself that that was going to be my, you know, profession. My brother had gone into the military for several years. And I got this idea that, you know, maybe, you know, law enforcement is the way to go. Problem with law enforcement

however, is you're not allowed to be loaded off your ass when you apply for it.

These positions and I never could get sober enough to, you know, really give it my best shot as to try to be a CHP officer. I always wound up loaded so

that that went away and I didn't want to be a policeman anymore. I thought policemen were stupid,

and I think they had a lot to do with my drinking and the way I was behaving and the trouble I was getting into trouble. Like I remember when I first got sober, I had three jaywalking tickets when I got here because I wound up living on 5th and San Julian Skid Row and I started selling me my brother's clothing and anything I could get my hands on to get loaded.

My disease progressed very fast and I went running right after it behind this obsession that controls my life. And I don't know that alcoholism is running the show. I think that I'm doing it because I'm the talker. I'm making all these decisions and I don't realize that this disease has power in it. And so when I'm down on Skid Row and I'm and I'm and I'm hustling and trying to come up,

for some reason, I always, you know, pretty much stay down. And my mother would rather not have me over at the house. By this time she started locking me out.

And instead of me thinking to myself, you know, wow, I got to really change what I'm doing. I make misery more acceptable in my head and in my life. So I started figuring if I can't get into the house, I need to learn how to live on the street. And that's what I did

and I loved living on the street. I don't have anything against it when I'm using and drinking and getting drunk, but sober in recovery, I'm not very fond of that.

But I grew accustomed to living on the street. I I thought it was pretty cool. We didn't really call it being homeless. We call it camping. And what we would do is just hang out and during the day we would sleep

and at night we would come out. And I just remember my friends, 'cause, you know, I had a couple of people that I pushed carts with. We used to push carts around and collect like aluminum cans and stuff. And I would just remember having a fellowship

and really nurturing our situation. And as a human being, I've never really had a problem gathering human beings to kind of nurture a situation, whatever it is.

So when I got to this program by way of a rehabilitation center called Warm Springs, it wasn't really hard for me to seek social acceptance because that's how I roll anyway. You know, the only time that I really don't like being

around other people is when I'm about to really, really get something that I really, really want and I don't want to share it.

But other than that, I'll manipulate and rub shoulder and vacillate between folk. I mean, it's not that big of a deal. I'm not going to have anything on this planet other than a human experience if I be human anyway. So

I, I wind up getting into that rehab and I wind up listening to these panel people. They come up and they talk like I'm doing now and tell their story about because I thought when someone said tell you a story, I thought they meant, you know, tell us how long you drank

and how you bathe in alcohol and you know, did all that. And what I'm learning and Alcoholics Anonymous is when we say tell your story, we're talking about your experience, strength and help. We're not talking about a drunk a log. You know, the only thing that a drunk, a log can do for me is start fooling with my hand and get a little thirsty. I got here a self-made failure. I didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, and I was pretty much a dead man talking.

And I'd done those things to myself

by way of letting this obsession run my life.

And I'm in this rehab and I'm listening to all these panel people. And I'm trying to figure out, you know, like, why? Why is it such a big deal if you can control it? And now that I've been sober for a week or so,

I clearly see where I went wrong and I have a handle on this thing. And I have no idea that I've been hearing myself say that for years. You know, my doctor's opinion in the Big Book tells me that I emerged from a spree remorseful

with the firm resolution never to do it again. And I repeat that over and over again. But every time I do that, I don't know that that's what I'm doing and that that is a clear indication that I have this malady, this sickness, you know.

So I go to the rehab and I follow along to the best of my willingness and wind up leaving there and moved to a town called Lancaster, CA, little place called the Open Fellowship Hall of Alcoholics Anonymous. And there's where I met my original sponsor. And his name's Dennis Lee,

you know, and Dennis Lee met up with me at a noon meeting. I got out of that rehab in the morning and I went to that noon meeting

and we talked and he changed and saved my life forever. You know, he was an old white guy from Florida. I was a young loudmouth from Watts. We did not see each other and run across the room like in the Daisy Field.

We were oil and water. He was not trying to be my friend. He told me if I wanted a friend to go buy a puppy and

and he was kind of hard to deal with. I did not like his attitude. I thought he was arrogant, rude, and he liked this stuff too much.

And what I found out through working with this man is that he knew more about that big book than I did. And he would read it with me and we would do these little assignments together. And he made me buy a dictionary because he said I didn't know half the stuff I was talking about. And I went and got that book and and I went and got.

I went and got

involved with that group and he told me to do stuff. And I thought it was ridiculous. I thought it didn't make any sense. I thought it was for old people. I thought it was for people who weren't me. And I wasn't like him and I would do it anyway. And I don't know why I believe that that has something to do with God, because there was there was, there was so many chances that I had where I could just say, you know what, screw this stuff, I'm out of here.

And every time I would get those thoughts,

some strange, I don't know if it was a power or a force. It was, it was something other than me that would just continuously have me cooperate, you know, And I just started showing up at those meetings. And he told me to go to my sponsor did not believe in a lot of gypsy sobriety. He told me when I was going to go and where. And I knew that that wasn't a very popular way to do it. A lot of my friends used to crap, talk crap about that. And

no, most of those men and women are not sober. I'm coming up on my 20th birthday, you know, and I just remember like really wanting to be a part of the in crowd in this anonymous program. And I wanted to be hip slick and sick. And you know, and just do, you know, that sort of dog and pony show sobriety, you know, where it seemed like they weren't really doing any of the work or making any of the amends or doing any of these prayers and stuff the way he had me doing. And I was jealous of seeing

guys of gals is flying around here resort like trapeze work, you know, just doing everything. And then one of them would, like, flip off the trampoline metaphorically and die, see. And they go get loaded and they die and and they would die. And then I would be going to him going, oh, so and so died. And he said, yeah, because they weren't getting their disease treated.

And I thought that treatment for alcoholism meant going to meetings and agreeing with a, a people I did not know that the treatment of this disease lies within the work, the action of the steps and, and, and doing what the steps say to do. And what happened for me is I just started following along and cooperating and going with him and doing what he said.

And

I didn't like it all the time, you know, nowadays an, a, a, it seemed like, you know, if you don't like it, then you ain't got to do it. So screw it. And I don't know what that kind of sobriety looks like as far as me implementing that. I'm, I'm not AI just don't believe in that kind of recovery.

If I don't like it, if it doesn't feel good to me, then I don't cooperate and I don't take direction. You know, I don't know, I'm not into that. And I had to learn

that you can tell an alcoholic, but you can't tell them much. You know, my mother used to tell me when I was a little kid that a hard head makes a soft ass

and I believe that this disease is very powerful and the longer I stay sober, the more power that I see with this sickness and how it does people. You know, I had a friend who I really respected with 26 years of sobriety. His name was Steve B and we all love Steve at our group. He was a pillar in the group and he had a long term sober and he was taking guys to meetings and all this stuff. And what happened is he got more involved in something else and in this

and the next thing you know, he got drunk. And this happened a couple of years ago. And it really showed me that, you know, pedestals are made for books and statues. You know that the highest rank in a A is sober. And I, I thought when I was newer than I am now that the highest rank in this program was comfort,

you know, and, and, and what a fool, you know, what a fool I was. You know, I, I, I know that a lot of times my higher power exhibit his, he, he presents himself more when I'm in pain than when he does, you know, when I'm laying around, you know, thinking about self. And I just love Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, if you're new to this program, it can be, you know, the most annoying part of this program is the people in it.

But once you get that, once you get through some of that

and you get to the Staffs, you know, you'll realize that you're being weighed down by something that's very magnificent,

You know, and I'm just really grateful that there were men and women in this program that weren't too comfortable to help me with my discomfort. You know, they were willing to walk me through those prayers and, and, and those amends that I needed to make and paying back that money and stuff and getting down to that courthouse, taking care of those warrants. You know, there were men and women in these rooms that were showing me in the big book on how we're supposed to do this stuff and what we can help another alcoholic with. And

I'm forever grateful. You know, I just was in New York about two months ago speaking at the Atlantic group where one of the girl that I sponsor goes there and spending time with all those people. And the group is really huge. There's a lot of people in there. But one of the things I noticed about that group is they were, you know, doing the work you can when you pull up to the, to the meeting and you, you walk up and there's little gatherings of two people like reading the book with each other

and reading that information and, and trying to keep this thing alive, you know, and that's what I'm really interested in. Yes, I have problems. And none of your business is if you're not in my life, this program works. You know, there's an answer here if you're new, because my head tells me, you know what, I really don't need this stuff. All I need is a break. And once I get a break, I'll be fine. I need to, you know, I need to, I need to, you know what I need to do. I need to go get a job. If I get a job,

if I start working and get a job and go back to school, then I'm going to be fine. And I'm here to share that having a job and being in school is not a cure for this disease. Those are fine things to benefit your life. They benefit my life when I apply part my part of it. But those things don't take away this obsession that tells me how to get being stay loaded, you know? And

I just remember walking through this pain with this guy about some of the stuff I was doing

while I was sober, and I don't remember him telling me, you know what? Eventually you're going to get to a point where all this stuff is going to be easy and all you got to do is just chill. He never told me that, ever. But my friends who never stayed here said things like that, that mythological aspect of Alcoholics Anonymous in which once you get everything you want, then you don't have to worry about anything anybody else needs.

You know, it's crazy. And I don't believe that that's altruism and that's not how I live. And, and I'm really grateful that I got taught this stuff,

you know, and

I used to live in Lancaster, like I said, for 12 years. And then I move to Simi Valley,

which in some aspect seems like the sister city of Orange County is very similar there. And I lived there and it was awesome. You know, I had, I lived there for six months and I used to go to this meeting hall called Unity Hall. And there was some some old guys in there help me and stuff and, and it was really good. And I would leave the meeting and get pulled over by the police

and they would check my car and make sure that I was, you know, doing what I was supposed to be doing,

which is fine. I think everybody eventually has to go through that. And then I drive two blocks and get pulled over again and same thing would happen and this and that. So eventually I did what my spawn, I followed sponsor direction and I moved again. And I've been living in Glendale for the past several years. I live in Glendale, right outside of Burbank and I love that little town.

Is very small, a little, you know, town and very quiet

right next next to Griffith Park, you know, with the little animals and stuff. It's no, I feel like I'm snow black, you know, I see the squirrels running by and all of that. And I'm not from that. That's not where I'm from. I'm from helicopters and hell, you know, and that's what I'm sharing is that I've changed. And what, what happened for me is you people,

what happened for me was Alcoholics Anonymous not 19 years ago today.

So I got up this morning and I said those prayers, you know, and I started talking to the people that choose to call me sponsor,

you know, and I get irritated with stuff and, and, and I and I pray again, you know, and I heard the speaker last night or actually he was just sharing in this little book study we go to and he was talking about, you know, selfishness. And it really surprised me. There's a part in the book where it says above everything else, we must be rid of the selfishness. We must or it kills us,

you know, and more and more today I was talking on the phone and I was telling John on the way over here

that that part in the book has has eluded me. I know it was there, but I didn't get the depth and weight of it for a while until I heard what that man said last night. So basically the way our cofounder wrote that is like before all of the the the zoom zooms and the Wham whams and the relationship

before all of the things that I think that are so important

above all of that, I must be rid of this selfishness,

you know, and so that's why I don't believe in a lot of Jabba the HUD sobriety. I do boots on the ground recovery,

you know, No, I can come off looking like I'm pretty young, but I'm an older guy and I still don't believe the lie that all I got to do is worry about self supply.

You know, that's not how it works. And when he said that, it just really started ringing in my head. You know, it's like above everything that I think that is so important. I must be rid of this selfishness. And then it talks about how God makes that possible,

you know, and there's no way for me to really get rid of self without his aid, you know? And I'm just really grateful that in spite of where I think I want to be or whatever, that I keep my commitment and I show up for Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, and I just, I love, I love this place, you know, I, people don't love it like I do. See, I've accepted that today people do not love this stuff the way I do it. Does that make me a pompous ass? I guess I don't know,

but but, but, but people don't love this the way I do.

And that's beautiful. You know, I don't care. You know, that sign says we care. You know, and they're not talking about people who don't care.

And part of the reason why I come and share in a general way, because just maybe somebody may fool around and get 19 years sober around here and maybe they'll be able to help another man or woman walk through their fear. Because that's what I believe he did for me when I got here,

you know? And I'm just really grateful that I'm not sitting around in a room somewhere wondering when I'm going to get mine with almost 20 years in surprise. In other words, I've been served and saved here,

you know, on the daily. And it's really hard to remember that sometimes because don't you know, you know, I still got this lust and it's not sexual all the time. A lot of it is just money, property and prestige. I want as many toys as I think you got. And what I'm finding out and Alcoholics Anonymous is people who operate like that are a miserable lot, you know, worrying about with somebody else always got. I, I, I don't need to be doing that. And I go to my sponsor and I talk to him

about the things that I think other people are God, that I ain't getting. And all he does is smile at me. And he says, keep serving this program, keep serving this fellowship. Don't worry about that stuff. You know, And that's one of the really sick things about living in those projects. And my friend Steve here can attest to it. You know, when we live in that environment, it's like the most unhealthiest, craziest guy in the community riding around

in the biggest, baddest, most blood

money brought about vehicle is the guy that we're worshiping and looking at and trying to emulate. I got different types of heroes today in my life. You know, I got men and women in my life who've walked through cancer,

unborn children that should have been born staying sober and working the steps. They told us the story one time when I was in a meeting about this guy that's doing life in prison with 25 years clean and sober, working the 12 steps.

You know, you know, just just this, that there's a power in this program that far exceeds, you know, this ego trip that I get into about what I think I need. And I'm just really glad, you know, if you're a newcomer,

this is some of those miserable stuff that you're ever going to feel at the beginning of. I mean, it's worse than a bad.

I don't know, I well, I can't say that because when I drank Jack Daniels, it did taste nasty. But I really like the effect, you know, and that's kind of how it is. You know, the big book talks about a successful consummation, like how do you successfully consume this stuff? And there's men and women around here that will help you, you know, and

I thought this was the stupidest thing I'd ever met and seen in my life, man. It looked like the, I call it a trailer park manager convention up there in Lancaster. It just seemed like these people were just sort of like hillbilly, you know, hillbilly heaven. And but one thing I noticed they, you know, when they knew that there was a new man or woman there, they surrounded them and tried to find out what they needed.

And I couldn't, I couldn't deny that I saw that, you know, and I saw guys coming in there that didn't have a watch

or a way to go or no food or nothing. And I saw guys coming there. They didn't turn it into a like a social program or a welfare office. But, you know, they really tried to help these people. And I really thought that that was pretty cool, you know, And I don't know, they asked me to be the chairman of the Thanksgiving dinner at my Home group. And I didn't want to do it. My sponsor manipulated the situation,

but I wound up getting that commitment and and then I did it for a couple of years, and they tried to replace me and I wouldn't let them. You know, that's the kind of stuff that happens in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I remember them telling me that I had to be the secretary of the Saturday noon meeting at my Home group, the meeting after the dance the night before. I thought that was the most racism

and, and I told him that. And, you know,

once again, you know, it came time to replace me and I didn't want to give up the commitment. You know, I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I used to go down to my Home group an hour before the noon meeting and kill flies because I didn't have a job and I wasn't going to school. And my sponsor told me that I needed to figure out a way to be of service. And one of the most annoying aspects of the open door during that year, during that time was the heat and the flies.

So I would go down there and I would become, you know, I made my own commitment

killer and, and I just killed flies and, and, and yelled at people when they would leave the damn door open,

you know, and, and, and the next thing you know, I'm committed to something inside of Alcoholics Anonymous besides myself,

you know, and, and, and I'm getting rid of this selfishness. You know, God is helping me because it's going to kill me. You know, if I'm, if I, if I got to constantly be the topic of discussion, we having the wrong conversation.

And and I've learned that today in Alcoholics Anonymous,

you know, so if you're Newman, I mean, like when we look at the big book and Bill Wilson is like, you know, trying to figure out what he's going to do after it is light and stuff done came and all of this stuff happened to him. And he hops up out of that bed and he gets a little, you know, time sober instead of, you know, running and trying to, you know, do the selfish things that we can do. You know, he went to that administration in that hospital and asked about other Alcoholics.

You know, this program was founded on one alcoholic sharing with another experience, strength and hope that he or she may recover.

And I went to New York, like I said, and I visited the last house that Bill Wilson lived in. And there's this old guy walking around there helping people that look just like my original sponsor, explaining some of the history. And one of the things that he talks about on the 4th of July, when you see all these fireworks and stuff, we and A A can go ahead and take a deep breath and be grateful for Bill D. That's the day that he left the hospital.

Alcoholic #3

And that's what those fireworks are really about,

you know, and I thought that was pretty cool, you know, I think I'll add that to my share and not tell anybody where I learned it from, but I see. But it's true, man. It's like, you know, what a great thing, man, what a great thing for my mother to be proud of. Not me, but you, you guys see. And it's just really weird. Like I call my mother before and I was complaining about a bill or something and the first words out of her mouth. Is you still going to those meetings? Right?

And I say yes, she said, good, I'll talk to you later. See, my mother has more respect for Alcoholics Anonymous than she's doing me,

you know, And I'm really grateful that, you know, this program is founded on these principles that, you know, don't have to die. You know, I can be a part of the maintenance team of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it really is very simple. I don't have to be a bleeding Deacon, you know.

But what I can do is look at my own experience with this program and see that you guys have been helping me ever since I got here. That since that first meeting, my life has been saved and changed. You know, that I have no business really talking bad about this place. That when somebody says we want you to come and speak, my response should be when and where, not how and why.

And I'm just that kind of a guy, you know, they, they used to say there were go to guys and Alcoholics Anonymous

around here. You just go up to him and tell him what a needs and they just go, you know, what's up? What do I got to do?

And I'm involved in a Home group that's very similar to that. And a lot of my friends don't have a whole lot of time sober, you know, But yes, is a running theme in our group, particularly when folk are leaving Tombow know that's when we really get to show how we really grow. And I'm just grateful that that stuff that I know I've experienced that I see it and I want to be a part of that. You know, in the big book, it also talks about

we get to a place where we start craving a certain type of fellowship.

Like we get the fellowship that we crave, you know, and a lot of times I don't know what my cravings are. You know, I'm crazy. I want some chicken. Next thing you know, I mean BBQ ribs. I don't know. But when it comes to Alcoholics Anonymous, I really do crave the solution. And I remember being out there like really wanting to really stop but not really knowing how. Plus all my friends kept getting loaded. So I said, what's the use? I might as well get loaded too.

And I don't know how to really stop.

And in a A, it's like, you know, I was standing within crowd. I used to be one of those dance promoters for a A and all of that stuff. But what happened is I started feeling empty while sober. And I wasn't working the steps and I was running around, you know, doing all this party time. A A and, and my friend Steve Lamb calls it activity. Those aren't the actions,

you know, the actions are like saying those prayers and finding out who I owe amends to based on an inventory that me and my sponsor read together. And I see these defects that I got to ask my higher power to remove from me. Those are the actions, you know, but my ego says, no, we got to, you know, let's party, you know, and if you're new and you're coming to a A and you're still talking about where to party at,

you missed you, you're missing an opportunity.

And that's not to say that we don't have fun, but that was not the first thing on my mind when I got here.

OK, Now that I'm here, now that I'm sold on my clothes, now that I'm a homeless tramp and a bomb, where to party at? You know, that's just not what I was doing. And, you know, today and Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm more concerned about these new people finding a real answer because I believe that my nephew is going to have to come here if he doesn't get killed first.

And I want him to find here what you men and women showed me when I got here,

you know? And I do not, you know, share against dances and bean pie sale AA. But a lot of that stuff, you know, it just doesn't work for me. The depth and weight that the doctor is talking about in his opinion in the book just doesn't seem like that kind of stuff for me. And I had to go through some of that stuff in order to recognize that that wasn't the truth that I needed.

And I'm just glad that my sponsor, so I hung in there with me and let me kind of go through that phase.

But it was really, it made me crazy because, you know, you go to these little events and stuff and people be all coupled up and you're not. And the next thing you know, you think you deserve something that you are not going to get at the end of the night. And all of a sudden it feels like I'm back in that and I'm back in that world that I'm no longer in. AAI got to. I got to use those survival skills to do what I always did,

you know? And that's why that's not my gig today. I'm not. And I don't try to make my sponses want to do that stuff, you know, I don't say nothing,

you know, until they ask me. And and then when they ask me, I'll let them have it.

And I let him know that you know what social acceptance does not equal recovery. Being able to be the Bella of the bar or a fake superstar is not where we are. This society is based on, you know, people really being really sick and trying to get well, you know, And I thought that this was about, you know, that book, you know, when, when friends and hide places or some stuff that this is not like self help,

you know, And my sponsor, you know, the one that I have now today, Jimmy,

he's really not interested in a lot of the things that I think that are so important when it comes to feeding my ego,

you know, and one of the things that I love about him is that, you know, when I ask, he tells me exactly what I need to hear. And if I don't ask him, he ain't going to say nothing. You know, I have to be the one to speak up for myself honestly. And when you get some time around here past how good you feel about getting everything you want, 'cause now that you're sober, you're happy or whatever, they're come. They came a time in my sobriety, around 10 years sober, where I started realizing

that I know how to make myself feel good,

you know? But I still had to recognize that that was not a cure for alcoholism,

you know, and that's one of the frightful things that I see. So just this wave of, you know, good feeling, you know, how do I feel good? What, what's going to make me feel good? You know, and all that good feeling stuff to me personally turns into lust. Now, I'm not sharing gloom and doom. I'm just saying that I start making my happiness a self determined objective,

you know, and what happens is

I don't care about other people all that much. And for some reason above everything, you know, my selfishness must be fed, you know, and I just don't want those kind of things running in my head. So I'm trying to, you know, grapple with that man said, grapple with what that man said last night. And it's like, you know, I, I really believe that selfishness is self centeredness is the root of all my troubles,

you know, and I really believe that on a lot of days I can be driven by 100 forms of fear, self delusion,

you know, and the like. And so I'm still begging for, you know, I need help here, you know, I need help and Alcoholics Anonymous because this thing works,

you know, and part of the insanity of leaving Simi Valley and coming to Glendale and being in that community and watching all these people just be real, like soft spoken. There's not a lot of lie. I think I am the loudest person in my neighborhood because I don't, you don't really hear a lot, you know, everybody is just kind of doing their own thing. It's like everybody's on quaaludes or something. And you know, I don't, I, I just, I was just like, you know,

what a, what a neat place to be. And I'm just trying to influence new people into believing that it doesn't start out like that. You know, it doesn't start out with 19 years sober. The way you get 19 years sober is you guys stay so for 19 years.

But I thought that if you measure an old timers ego the right way, then you're just as smart as they are and all of that stuff. And what I've learned is that experience is a hidden legacy of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I need that experience. I was reading with somebody, I can't remember if it was Steve or I think it was Andre, where they said that we lack that humility in that experience. We lack it, you know, and I do, you know, there's some friends that I have, you know, a couple of guys that I know with 30 plus years sober, you know, and I lack the humility and the experience that those gentlemen have. And I'm here to share that I'm interested in in in, in getting to that place,

you know, and

I couldn't say that when I was newer than I am now. I didn't care about you. So I was like, we want to live and die here. And it not as me. I don't want to go back. I'll spend the rest of my time talking about that. I don't ever want to go back to that stuff, running around blaming my mother for stuff that I didn't even talk to her about.

Because, you know, I got this head noise telling me that she's doing this and I'm supposed to be doing that. And I don't want, I don't want to live like that no more. I don't. I haven't had an argument with my mother and over 10 years I don't. I don't argue with my mother.

Nine times out of 10 I'm right. Anyway. There's no need Target

and the other percent, you know, she wins every once in a while. I guess I don't know, but I don't I don't argue with her.

I I remember hating my brother when I got sober. My brother works for the federal government.

He was an evil and corroding thread woven through the fabric of my existence and through the amends and through a change in my behavior. I don't even really know if he's changed all that much or not. And I'm learning that it's really not any of my business. And I don't hate my only brother today. You know, I love him and the way he's trying to raise those kids in this world,

you know, and I learned all this stuff from you people.

You know, I don't want to go back because you know, this job that I have where I should have been fired, you know, I'm going on 8 years on this job, you know, I never could. How do you keep a job past one pay period? You know, I never knew how to do it. It's just like once you know, that they owe you a certain amount of money for working that week, it's like I gotta get the hell out. I got some drinking to do, you know, and I would start trouble to get my check early so I could

just leave with that money that I so diligently, you know, kept track of, you know, and today I'm staying a couple of minutes extra to clean up. I work with autistic children, ABA therapy. And, you know, every once in a while it's time to go. But we shouldn't be leaving. There's some stuff that we've left out, the toys and stuff. And you know, I, I clean that up off the clock