The 6th anniversary meeting of the Into Action group in Plymouth, UK

Repeated disturbances are not acceptable at this meeting. And with that, I hand over to Stuart who's come to share his experience strengthening help with us. Thank you.

Hello, My name is Stuart. I've recovered at 8:00.

You know we are truly an exciting times. You know this is If you've stumbled across this room tonight and you're a newcomer, you have just walked into the beaten art of any 12 step movement

for drug addicts probably in the world. You've probably come across one of the

you know, there's a guarantee in this room to make that you can't recover. If you've lived a life like me, blighted by drug abuse and and chaos, then it can end tonight.

I also I'd like to say if I run out the room in the middle of the shower I haven't got mad. All that it means is more messages about to give birth. So I just want to pre warn everyone. So if that happens as in now, I'll have to do one, but I'm sure everyone will be able to pick up from there.

You know, I

on someone who from very, you know, the book tells me to to explain in basic times in in in a sort of open way, what we do here, you know, and what what my life was like, what I've done and what it's like today. I've spent most of my life afraid of always thinking that, you know, I was too. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't hard enough. I wasn't good looking enough. I wasn't funny enough.

I didn't have enough friends. They weren't right this one right. I wasn't right in every situation I was in. That my life was blighted by that. I always felt very self-centered to the point it would cripple me, to the point I'd be walking along the street and I'd hear someone laugh and I'd think in my head I'm walking funny.

Then I'd start walking differently

and I'd be burning up, walking funny down the street thinking that

thinking and it was horrible. And it just so happens, you know, I was in a place where they were taking drugs and I took them same drugs and all of us. You know, for me it it rocket me into a fourth dimension of existence. I felt totally different. I felt like, you know, this is what this is about. This is what life's about. Now I feel I can fit in the world. I can. I'm easing comfort. You know, this is good. I don't feel that fear. I've no longer got all them voices going on. This is brilliant.

So I'll continue to do this. I'll continue to to go on, you know, thinking that I'm having a great time thinking this all good, you know, fitting in, having a right old time, getting it, doing all the things I wanna do. And then it starts to become more and more problematic. All of a sudden it starts to become pedophile. You know,

my family don't want me around people crossing the street rolling and talk to me. I've got umpteen convictions. I can't, I can't have a net anymore. I haven't got any veins left. I'm starting to, you know, I'm thinking on a day-to-day basis. I've got serious blood borne viruses. You know, I'm petrified daily now, you know, everything going wrong. All I'm concerned about is using drugs. You know, it's not, it's not, it's not glamorous. It wasn't funny. It wasn't. It was horrific.

Now I want to stop, but I don't know how to stop. I'll come to you know where

now I've come to the stage where I want to stop but realise I can, you know, I'm turning up in doctor surgeries, I'm turning up in police stations and prisons. I

all the places are, are, are are, you know, are never shut out to be and

I'll start going to meetings. I was, I was fortunate enough to, to, to get myself clean. I was fortunate enough to go on a script and I'll, you know, for about the fake time, but this time I managed to get myself clean. Now I've been clean before and it usually consists of feeling brand new brilliant, I'm clean great. Now I'm going to get a job and go to the gym and get some new clothes, you know, get myself a girlfriend. You know, it's all going well. It's been 3 weeks now, you know, I can, I can have AI can have a drink. You know, I'm normal like normal people now I can have a drink now. You know,

all them people were saying all that silly stuff about the stroke starts. You know what's going on. I've got, you know, everything sweet, you know, in, in, in my life. That's reality in my head. That's what's happening. It's all going to be all right. And off I go and I use again and you know, I do the thing that is never going to happen about 3 days later, you know, and then it expires out of all control. Anyhow, I find myself in this fellowship

wanting to stop

and after, after by 18 months of messing about, of going to meetings of, you know, fortunately for me, you know, I didn't die, you know, because I've seen many that have after 18 months ago in, in and out of meetings and doing what I wanted and, and all the rest of it.

I think that I finally etched that one. I finally at the point where I know no matter what I do, nothing's gonna change. No matter what I do, I'm, I'm gonna use drugs regardless of of how many means I go to, regardless of how nice I am, regardless of how many people I hug, regardless of you know, no matter what, just don't use, even if your assholes off get to a meeting and all that, regardless of all that stuff I'm going to use. It's really bad and I know I'm going to and it's not. I'm convinced that I can't trust my own thinking.

I'm afraid like for my life that that I'm going to, I'm going to do something really mental, kill myself. So I walk into this room. Now, I didn't want to walk into this room because I know these guys do what they say they do. You know, if you're in this range, you'll be working the 12 steps. If you want to get sponsorship with us, you know, we'll show you how to recover. If you don't want to do that, we've always said it. There's a sign there with an exit on it. You know, if you want to go with lock and window shop and sit around the back and talk about doing this and doing that, then this ain't the place for you.

You know, if you if you come in New York Sears and you want to recover and you want a new way of life and you want to be rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence, then we're here on on to out with any. You know, it says from the readings, we can out where no one else can, you know, and we truly can. I'm a man who can open where no one else can. You know, I'm someone who

anyhow, I walked into this room and beaten and scared and afraid and, and I asked one of, I asked someone responsibility. I said, Andy, you sponsor me. He said it would be a pleasure. Are you prepared to do what I've done? And, and are you prepared to go to any lengths? I said, yes, I am. And there was a contract that was signed out. You know, he said that was my, his part. Was he prepared to do this? I'll show you what I've done if you're prepared to do it. So I'll start to do what he, he, he, he showed me to do. And

very quickly I'll start feeling

some relief. I've stopped feeling not, not, I'm not going down this dark or I'm not feeling so depressed and anxious and afraid and, and serious. You know, if anyone, everyone who knows me in this room knows I'm not very serious, You know, when it comes to this stuff,

I'm on it. You know this. This is what makes this is what makes me enjoy my life. This is what this is the stunt. This is what? Without this, I've got no family. Without this, I've got no new clothes, no new job, no new car, no ice, no nothing. You know, what about this?

I'm on my own. So my sponsor, he starts, he starts mapping out for me what to do. The other guys in the meeting were examples to me about how to recover and own what to do. And

he, he showed me, he took me through the steps and he took me through the big buck. And all of a sudden, like I said, I started feeling some release. I started feeling some freedom. And all of a sudden now I'll start sounding like him. And I remember being sat in a meeting in in like doing an out of body experience of Oh my God, I even sang like each fellas name, you know. But I wasn't just parroting it. I wasn't just copying what they were saying. I actually believed it. I had an experience that their experience matched mine

so much that it was, you know,

basically you can listen to anyone of us and we'll say the same thing. You know, you're in slightly different words, but it's exactly the same. You know, we suffer from the same and we recovered in the same way. And

I'll continue, I'll continue to do this now for quite a number of years. And

as a result of working the steps, I became a man of, of with a responsibility to carry this message, a responsibility to be an living example of, of what this program can do. And

I've been fortunate enough to do that for this group and, and in this group and with the guys around me. And,

you know, I'll sit here today amazed at the things that go on in my life. You know, I could not have foreseen any of it. I couldn't have before seen

where or when or how it was all going to happen, but it's just sort of panned out and all I've done is followed my sponsors guide and all I've done was share honestly with him. All I did was, you know, I didn't sit around and play about my stat for I didn't sit around and couldn't be bothered to go to the service committee. I didn't sit around and turn up here like, you know,

I got here, you know, my, my, my willingness was what did it. You know, I wasn't,

I'll never needed to kick up the ass off my sponsor. You know, I hear so many people and I've sponsored people and they say, oh, I'm glad you're sponsoring. You'll be able to give me a kick up the ass. And and also you need too much. I can't take you up the ass. If you don't know, if you're not convinced your own life, if you're not convinced of the experience of your own life, there's nothing I can say to you that's going to make any difference. You know, if you're convinced that left on your own devices you're going to ruin your life again and use drugs,

then welcome. We have a way out. If you're sat here thinking, I'm not interested in this study, you're mostly on about rocketing before, you know, see you later or, you know, thanks for coming.

Have a cup of tea in a couple of sandwiches and we'll hopefully you won't die before you get the chance to appear back in here again. Because if you're turning up in these rooms, you get the, you know, you're at the end of the line. You know, there's not much left other than death. You know what I mean?

You know, it's time to get serious. It's time to it's time to take on board some certain principles. But unfortunately, it it don't work like that. You know, we are insane to the point of I've, I've done it myself. I've walked in and, you know, I've sit here and I'll go, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I won't do any of it when I go home. You know, I've done all that in my life. But

it was because because of because of the experience I had when I asked step one where I knew deeply that I was screwed. That's what the lady to follow these people's guidance. That's what's allowed me to be obedient to spiritual principles because ultimately that's all there is. You know, it's not about who sponsors you. It's not about what group you go to. It's not about how well you know the big buck. It's about being obedient to the 12 spiritual principles that that my sponsor led me through. And I've done it all this time and it's got me this far and I rely on it. I trust in it and

you know, I love it. I love it and I'm truly excited to be here. I'm truly excited to be a member of this group and a member of this fellowship and it's here for anyone who wants a way out. And thank you.

And I'll hand you over to share experience, straighten up with us. Thank you. Thanks, Craig. My name is Ellen. I'm recovered direct.

I've been sitting here convinced I can hear my heart beating. So, you know, it's great to sit here, you know, in a real privilege and and just under a year ago, I came into this meeting and it, it, it didn't seem like it could ever be a possibility. You know, I had, I really had come to the end of the line. You know, I, I didn't turn up here because I had nothing better to do. I didn't turn up here because there was nothing on the TV. You know, I, I turned up because my back was absolutely against the wall. And then

I didn't use drugs for a long time.

And you know, I started when I was 17 and by the time I was 21, I was, I was sort of in a, in a lot of trouble. You know, I was going in and out treatment centers. I've been to prison. No one kind of wanted to know. And, and it was, you know, it was a dark time and you know, and I got clean. I went into a treatment centre and came out and I, I would go to meetings in Newcastle where I'm from. And then

nobody told me how to recover, you know,

nobody told me what to do to work the 12 steps and I used again. And I can remember that feeling of being clean and thinking this is awful. You know, I, I felt like I felt like the world is going to end, you know, and, and I had nothing. I had nothing to do but but use again and

started starting all over again. You know, I find myself in Plymouth and, you know, I came to a meeting of DA and,

and I, I just come out of a treatment centre, yet another treatment centre. My dad had paid for another detox. I'm phoning him crying, saying, you know, I, I need another detox. And so he's paid for another detox. And while I was in this detox, this, this woman kept, kept coming into my mind who came to this meeting, you know, and I knew that she'd recovered using that the, the 12 steps of, of DAA. And she, she kept coming into my mind and, you know, I texted her the day that I got out and, and that woman became a sponsor. And, you know, and then

I cracked on with the work and I, I, I came here and, and I was, I was quickly taken through the steps. And when I came here, everybody seemed like a celebrity. I just felt so like,

I felt so awful, you know, that I couldn't speak to people, you know, and, and that that painful sort of self centeredness that that I'd felt, you know, as a teenager. It was there, you know, I, I spent my teenage years completely

shut down from everyone. You know, I could not speak to people and, and, and that eventually led to me, led to me using drugs.

But yeah, I, I came to this meeting and I was asked to do the things that my sponsor had asked me to do it, you know, I was asked to,

to pray to, to form to new people, you know, and then I, I did these things and very quickly my life turned around, you know, very quickly the obsession to use it left me very quickly. I was able to look people in the face. Very quickly. I was, I was able to feel it one again. I was able not to have the, the mad obsession that had been on me constantly for years to, to go and use and, and use and, and, and just go to the bitter end, you know, and then

I, I, I'm the kind of person that if you like me,

you know, I, I won't care without, without the 12 steps. I don't care what's going to happen. I've just got to get the, the next fix, you know, I don't care whether my boyfriend is going to leave me, whether I'm going to lose my job, whether I'm going to lose my home. I've just got to, I've got to have it at all costs, you know, and, and, and, and it led me to some, some really great places. And,

but since coming into this meeting and since, since getting my sponsor and, and, and working the child steps, you know, I, I don't think about drugs that they are not a problem, you know, in, in my work in life, you know, I am trusted with a big bunch of keys to cupboards full of drugs and it's not a problem. You know, I don't sort of think, Oh my God, Oh my God, I'm going to, you know, because I've had a step one experience. I can, I can go on and, and, and be be the person that I'm supposed to be, you know, and then I do the do the things that

that that I wanted to do, you know, and then for that to work, you know, I have to do certain things. You know, I have to put other people before myself. I have to, I have to not think that what is good for me is, is, is the right thing. You know, I was talking to somebody the other day about self will and, and where self will have got. Well, we were talking about where self will have got me and I was I was just thinking, you know, I was thinking it, it got me into just some awful places. You know, getting my own way just just led me to

just to complete despair, you know, And then today I've worked through the 12 steps and I have, I've had a spiritual experience. You know, I really did feel that before, before I was halfway through there. There's a line in the book that says that if we're painstaking about this phase of our development, we'll be amazed before we were halfway through. And, you know, and that's sort of what happened. You know, I read out my step forward, did my step. I felt completely, you know, this felt energized, you know, I felt positive and I felt that I wanted to pass this on to other people, you know,

that you can recover, that you don't have to live in that way that you lived. You know, you don't have to use drugs. You don't have to take it to the bitter end and, and die, you know, and I'm not here to, to convince anybody, you know, if, if you're here, chances are, you know, your life is, is, is probably convinced you. And,

and all I can share is my experience. That is, I, I couldn't stop using drugs, you know, and I would get periods of clean time and, and it would always be relative. I could get clean, you know, but I could never stay clean. And, and, and I had to be shown by, by, by a good sponsor and a strong Home group. How to recover, you know, and, and that is why I came to this meeting, because I knew it was a strong Home group, you know, and I absolutely love this Home group. I think it's the best Home group in the world. And, you know, and, and since I've come here, I, I do not

about using drugs, you know, I can, I can pass on this message to, to somebody else. If, if, if you're at that place, you know, if you've come in here tonight and, and you're sick of your life how it is, you know, I can tell you that if you, if you get a sponsor and, and work the steps, you know, and have an experience with God, that you don't have to go back to, to, to how it was, you know, and, and I, that just didn't seem possible for me. I, you know, I never envisioned like envisioned my life to be to, for me to be clean,

to be happy, to be able to sort of like get up without using something and go and go out and do life. You know, I never ever thought that was possible because, um,

I hadn't known it, you know, and then I used to see my sisters and, you know, like people around me like getting on with life. And I just used to think how, you know, how do they do it? It just seemed completely impossible. And you know, and I have a life today that that is, it's very different from, from how I ever thought it would be, you know, and, and that's not to say that I don't have frustrations and I don't have, you know, times that are difficult, but what I've been given is a way to deal with those times. You know, I can, nothing is too difficult,

you know, that I can't cope. Nothing that comes my wake can can, you know, throw me off course. I have very strong principles that have been shown to me in this meeting. And, you know, when, when times are harder, I'd stick to the basics, you know, and, and I remain grateful for, for, for what is rather than what isn't, you know, because if I'm starting to think, Oh, well, I haven't got this and I haven't got that, you know, that's when I start to, to feel that, that uneasiness that, that, you know, the, the sort of malady. And I'm, I'm reaching out for stuff, you know, and, and getting

clean and work in a program isn't about getting loads of stuff. It's not about getting cars, clothes, money, a fella and, and all that sort of stuff, you know, and I learned that the hard way, you know, I, I got clean for two years And, and I believe in that. I had a drug problem, you know, and yes, I did have a drug problem, but the problem is far more deep rooted than that. You know, the problem that is that may left to my own devices, will completely pull the roof in on my life once again, you know, and the drugs are taken away and, and I will do that clean, you know,

and, and what can I say? You know, I, I, I'm absolutely privileged that, that, you know, that I've, that I've come to this meeting and, you know, I, I don't have to do that stuff anymore. I don't have to, to live the way I wasn't. And I don't have that, that fear and that uneasiness that, that, you know, that we know as a spiritual malady, because I used to, just like, I just used to want to have a fight with everyone. That's, that's, that's how it was. I just used to want to have a fight with everyone. You know, I'd be outside people's houses shouting and I.

That that doesn't happen anymore. You know, I, I live a very, very peaceful life. And, you know, times are times are good. Times lay ahead. You know that the best, the best years of our existence lie ahead. That's what the book tells us. You know, I feel excited about the future. I feel that, you know, that I'm, that I want to pass this message on to anybody who is coming here tonight, that, you know, you do not have to

live the way you've been living. You know, if you get a sponsor, you work the steps

virtual experience, you know, you'll never have to go back to the way you were, you know, and, and I'll leave it there

and I'll hand you over to Julia. Experience strengthen health of us. Thank you.

I'm Julian. I'm an addict. Thanks very much. I've been saying that now for 25 years. It's remarkable. But if you take nothing else from my shirt tonight, I hope you take this. 25 years I've been in the rooms,

15 years I've been in recovery. And for me, that's the essence of any message that I have to pass you, that my life didn't change when I found meetings. It didn't change one iota. In fact, it got worse. It got much worse. In 1985, I turned up in a darkened room with about five or six people in it. I can remember all of them shaking in unison and

and what you have to understand about me. I think it's very important to understand

that by nature I don't give a monkeys about your life. By nature I am not interested in your story and by nature I don't feel sorry for you and I have no empathy for you. That is my nature and I'm afraid that was the guy who walked into that room and it was. It went on like that for eight years. I would hear a low mumble until it was time for me to say something. And when I said something, invariably I echoed the unhappiness, the discontent, and the

the haunted nature of the people I, I, I met in the rooms. The very haunted by the past that I, I noticed. Of course I noticed they were. I, I didn't notice I was. That's also my nature. That's also my nature.

And

they assured me as I left with hugs and shaking and shakes of hands and things like that, they assured me that if I hadn't understood that I would understand if I went into a treatment centre. And they would, they would teach me what it was all about. And, and I did, I had a certain amount of willingness, you know, I did. I went into one of these glorious institutions that we can't stop simply hearing and it seemed to hear about. And I was told that perhaps I needed to cry. And I was told that I needed to talk about myself. And I

encouraged because these were things I was incredibly good at. I, I would cry at the drop of a small house. And, you know, after a number of weeks, it was suggested that I might like to stop now.

And it also my next favorite thing was talking about myself. And you know, this is great. My life can change. And all I got to do is what I've been doing always. And of course, Needless to say, most of the people in this room will realize that then none of that worked for me. I came back out onto the street. And what I realized today is difficult for me to talk about the past without, without talking from this perspective that I, you know, that I, that I occupy today.

And I realized today that because I was exactly like Stuart, I was frightened, lonely and self obsessed most of my life. And because of that fear, because I feared you all so much, I developed a shell, a shell around myself. And very much identified with Bill W when he said that he spent those years of his drinking forging a weapon that would one day turn in its flight and all but cut into ribbons. This egocentric shell that I wove around myself to keep

you out, to frighten you, to keep you at a distance, to intimidate you, to make you think that I was better than you.

It wouldn't go away. It wouldn't go away. I brought it into the rooms. I went and took it into a treatment centre. I left a treatment centre with it fully intact. And I know that I was defeated a number of times in my life, a number of times. But the problem was I had nowhere to take it. And I also know from my own experience, I try to stick to that, that

being defeated needs action.

There were a number of times when I was brought to my knees. There were a number of times when I was ready to listen. I in fact, believe it or not, listened as much as I could to counselors, listened as much as I could to doctors, and I listened as much as I could to friends and relatives. But but nothing stuck. Nothing stuck. Nothing seemed

right for me. I didn't identify with the people that were talking to me largely and always in the back of my mind was, well, yes, this is all very well, but you don't realise, you don't understand. And, and to be honest, I was probably right. And the ego would come back after these moments of defeat. Always the ego would come back and I would be alone again and I would kick along that way. And I was so used to it. You see, one of the things again that is so important for me to remember is that my tolerance for pain is outrageous. I can, I, I, I, I can put

with it, I can live with it, I can normalize it. And as I'm doing it, things get steadily worse and worse and worse. But one day, as it says in the basic text, I turned up at a 12 step meeting and hopelessness was writ large on my face. And the people that I, that I met, they recognized that hopelessness and I and I, for the first time in my life, I found identification. And I realized today I wasn't identifying with any of the things I thought I would identify with

for a kick off. They didn't tell me much about their past.

What I was identifying with was their defeat.

I was now in a room full of defeated people, and this was what I shared with them. They had all reached this profound moment in their lives when they'd been defeated at death and they'd been ready to embark on a drastic course of action. And they were very upfront about this. They didn't try to wrap this up. It was a drastic course of action. They were offering me. I needed to change altogether, altogether. And they were offering me a spiritual solution. A spiritual solution

which as as has just been said, I have nothing to do with anything external at all. It was something that was to change inside me. And

for the first time in my life, what they were saying started to make sense. And I went home and I started to do the things that that it was suggested that I do. And from that point on, what's inside, what goes on inside me and what you hear on the outside have been unified. If I talk about praying tonight, I will pray. I shall go home and pray. If I talk about a spiritual solution, it's a spiritual, It's a spiritual solution that I try to work in my private life. So

the outer skin and the inner skin have come together in working in in DAA.

One of the things that frightened me, I suppose, is that the people here had all accepted an enormous amount of responsibility for each other. And being on the outside of everything all my life, and having gotten used to that, that scared me. I didn't really want to. I wanted to come in and come out as I chose. And as much as I found the people here admirable, I also wanted to run away and hide A lot of the time. But they assured me that if I failed to become involved, if I failed to rise to the challenge

of the Home group, that what they have I wouldn't take home. And so I look closely at what they were doing. They were doing service and they were and they were sponsoring. They were giving their time to others. And I still still see today in, in Page 69 of Alcoholics Anonymous, it tells me that I can get away with pretty much anything apart from selfish motives. Unfortunately, I can't reconcile anything in my life that involves selfish motives. That was the way I lived.

I often like saying, you know, usually I meant well.

Usually most of my life I meant well. I certainly didn't set out to hurt anyone deliberately. I didn't. I didn't set out to alienate people and I didn't set out to cause damage in mayhem. But those were the results. And if I read the basic text, it explains exactly why, because I was trying to please myself. And it's a way of life that doesn't work for me. If it works for you out there, I do say good luck to you, much as Stuart. Actually, I have no problem with that. All I know is that if you identify with me, if you're like me,

Fiat, I cannot play around with other people's lives for my own motives, for my own selfish reasons. I can't come to a Home group for my own selfish reasons. I can't even do my job for my own selfish reasons. I have to find a way of being useful in the world and putting that usefulness at the front of my life. And if I fail to do that, I really have missed the point. But if you're sitting there thinking

he expects me to turn into some kind of Saint, I can assure you that I've felt that too. And I've listened to others ahead of Maine too, with that same thought in my mind. But they weren't asking me to do anything until I'd worked the steps. What I found is when I'd worked the steps, I became or other I found myself in a place where these things became possible for the first time in my life. It became possible to come to a meeting thinking, what can I do tonight for others? It became possible just by working through the steps. For the first time in my life,

I sat down with others and I was able to listen to the things they were saying. All my life I'd seen lips moving up and down, simply waiting for my turn. It can happen now if you go on too long, I can assure you. But I found myself listening. I found myself listening to others. I found myself wanting to see what I could bring. And these are the things I've taken out into the world. And it's remarkable, you know,

How long have I gone?

Oh, dear God,

it's remarkable. You know, I've found that Once Upon a time, you won't believe this, but it's very true. Once Upon a time I was really quite popular in, in the fellowships of my choice. You know, good old Jills, they used to say, you know, poor old Jills, they used to say a lot. And you know, in my misery and desperation, I was well liked, I was well loved. But my but my popularity has

plummeted with my success in the external world. I find today that I have the qualities to mix with regular people.

I have, I have the qualities to mix with recovered addicts and, and, and, and, and regular people. I'm very, very bad. I'm afraid of mixing with people who haven't yet made the decision to change. I haven't really got anything to say. I haven't got anything to say. And quite frankly, without a massive effort of will and imagination, I, I don't identify. I don't identify, like I said earlier, I identify with defeated people. And that's why I identified when I got into the room, when I got into my first

strong Fellowship meeting,

I loved it there because that's what I shared with them. We'd all been defeated and we sounded like defeated people. And that's what Stuart means. When I started to sound like my sponsor, I acquired the humility of a defeated man. I was sharing other people's message because that was the message that had worked for me. I wasn't sitting there trying to be original. I wasn't sitting there trying to be anything apart from do the doing the right thing. And these were all unique experiences for me,

and I found it invigorating. I found my energy coming back.

I even found a little ambition, and I was sure that that was all right. I was assured that that was OK again, as long as I wasn't allowing myself to slip back into selfish motives.

And so far, to be honest, to be honest, I've, I've survived. I've managed to, I've managed to do that thing. I've managed to avoid diving into another plan to make myself happy. You know, when I've been lucky enough to do some wonderful things, some wonderful things. I've heard I've got a fantastic daughter. I've been married, I've got married in recovery. And I, I had to ask myself what, what that was about before I allowed myself to go into it.

You know, I've often said to people that I've sponsored

a relationship and it's easy to say these things. It's so easy to say a relationship is about. It is an opportunity to give. It's an opportunity to give. If I think, if I'm looking at someone and thinking I shall be happy if I have her, then I'm going to be very unhappy. I'm going to be very unhappy. And what's worse really for my benefit is so will they, so will they. I can't. I can't survive making other people unhappy.

I can't do it. It's just not going to work for me. If I'm going to be in other people's lives,

I have to be a benefit in other people's lives. I can't stick my claws in and hike, pitch a free ride anymore. And I found that that's what my marriage has been about. I've learned. I've learned that it doesn't always matter that I get to watch what I want. I, I, I I've learned that. Yeah, I know. You'd think I'd have learned that about 25 years ago.

It it, it, it doesn't always matter what I want. I'm happy when I've made a constructive contribution

to somebody elses life. That what? That's what actually makes me feel good, just has been hinted at already.

I I can cheer myself up with a new pair of trousers or a shirt for about a nanosecond. By the time the cash registers rung, I'm down again.

I can cheer myself up by getting a nice smile from somebody in the street, you know, and thinking, you know, as long as they don't have any incontinence leaflet, which is what happened in the last.

I know I'm getting on,

but these things don't last. Nothing, nothing external lasts. Nothing external lasts. And I'm not speaking for humanity. This is not a great philosophy. I'm, you know, I'm advocating for humanity. It's just about my condition.

I have a condition which means anything that I'm looking, anything that I strive for, anything that I work for to improve my lot, to improve my life has to be based in trying to make a positive contribution. First to my Home group. I'll enter the committees that my Home group ran, then to the service beyond my Home group that I was asked to do, and then in time when I was ready to move out into the world, and it took a little while,

it's about a year, I think, before I started to embark on things outside the Home group. When I was ready again, I had to take all those principles out with me. You know, if I put it all on hold, if I'd thrown it over the backseat and decided right now, what do I want, what do I want? I know I would have ended up in exactly the same place that so many of my comrades have ended up in over the years,

sliding back to exactly the place they started. And if you'd ever sat in a meeting and thought to yourself,

these people don't like me,

but they're laughing at me, nobody in this room really knows me. Nobody likes me. And walked home haunted by those thoughts, then you're like me, then you're like me. But I can assure you, you're not like the majority of humanity who simply are not plagued with these insecurities. This is what I've come to see. I had no way of knowing it wasn't a universal experience when I got here, but I see today it isn't. It's precisely what it's not what. It's not using drugs. It's precisely what categorises me as an addict. This perspective, my sponsor tells me

perspective, and it has been the perspective I walked in with was lethal. It was lethal and I could turn on a knife edge. I could turn,

I could turn on a knife edge. I could be fine one minute, fine one minute, something very, very small, very, very trivial. And back there, I'm back into that place where no one knows me, no one likes me, no one trusts me. And what's more, I don't care. I don't care. And unless I find a way to leave that perspective behind and replace it with something fundamental, different. And This is why we call, you know, we say drastic. You know,

if there's one thing people will usually say you can't change and one thing the professionals will always hold their hands up in despair over, It's my nature. It's my nature to change. My nature is it's a tall order and one that I would suggest that most people historically have failed in the attempt. Most people have failed in the attempt. But I didn't do anything. I just did as I was told. The great mantra of interaction. I just did as I was told. You didn't actually hear it in the basic text very much,

because I think, to be honest, a lot of the time the old boys assumed that it was logical that they would. But we live in different times. We live in very different times, and nobody seems to assume it's logical to do as ones told anymore. So to us it becomes the great, you know, the great, the big deal, the big deal. We have to, we have to listen to someone else. But, you know, the minute I did, I was immediately overtaken. And again, I'm paraphrasing, I'm quoting. I was immediately overtaken by the strange sensations that my problem