The There is a Solution meeting in Truro, UK

Now, is Alex a commissioner? I'll hand it over to you, Alex. And that is Caroline. My name's Alex, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi. And I'm grateful to be here

tonight, very grateful for this 12 step program. You know, I didn't think that I would ever be sitting here sharing my experience

because alcohol took me to some pretty horrible places. And just like today's been pretty mad and very nervous. And I just had to go into the bathroom and do a step free play now and hand it over because all day my head's been running away with me. And I've done about 130 shares and I had already just. And and that is the nature of this illness that I suffer from, you know,

this obsession with self that just gets me every time. So yeah, what it was like for me,

what it was like, it was hell, really. I mean, as a child

I, I mean, I suffer from this disease and it's like it's dis ease. And as a child I, I was not at ease at all. It was dis ease. I didn't feel at ease anywhere.

And when I first started reading that book and it said about being restless, irritable and discontented, I could relate to that instantly because that is what I felt. I was restless. I couldn't ever sit still. And within myself was turmoil, irritable.

Yeah, with other people and you know, whatever. And discontent, nothing was ever enough for me. I was discontented wherever I was

and yeah, just it never felt like I fitted in really. I grew up in a different country. I grew up in South Africa,

single mum moved around, had went to lots of different schools and I was always the new kid. And yeah, I never fitted in. And I always thought that other people,

you know, they had what I wanted and, and why couldn't I be like them? Why couldn't I just be normal and feel alright in myself? And, but, but I couldn't. When I was 11, I moved to this country, my mum moved me over here and I got put into mainstream education here. And you know, I still carried this same feelings with me

and at the age of 14, you know, I found drink and it was, it was fitting in as well as I started drinking because

I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be a part of something 'cause I never felt part of anything. And so I picked up that first drink and, you know, all of a sudden I felt at ease and I liked it.

I didn't like that it made me sick that I had. I felt awful afterwards and I did stupid things, but I always went back to it because I like that. It took me out of myself, but it made me be the person that

I'd always wanted to be, really.

So, yeah, at the age of 14, my drinking career began and you know it, It continued for many, many years. And I never really at, at the time, didn't think that my drinking was abnormal. I thought that everybody was like me, you know, that

you would start drinking on a Friday and generally not stop until the Thursday, you know? Anyway, I thought everybody was like that, you know, I know in hindsight and I actually know they weren't. And

yeah, but you know, it's the anxiety. I just kept on doing it and got myself into some pretty terrible situations. And I mean, I, I was dual addicted as well. So for me, it wasn't just alcohol was other substances. And I, I used from the age of 14 and drunk, you know, pretty much on a daily basis.

Yeah. And it took me to the deaths and, and it brought me to my knees, really. And, and by the end of it, it's like,

I mean, I, I was happiest in oblivion. I, I just saw oblivion. I, I didn't want to face reality. And, but by the end of it, it didn't do that for me anymore. By the end of it, I was drinking, but I was still left with those feelings of, you know, being uncomfortable and that rest is irritable discontent. So it didn't really matter whether I was drinking. I always felt like that.

And yeah, I, I was, you know, hopeless to my hand a lot of people.

And,

you know, by the end of it, I said this last night, I mean, I was stealing things out of pound shops. Do you know what I mean? To support my, my habits and my drinking. And it was pretty sorry state of affairs.

I tried treatment centres, you know, I went to three in one year. I tried counselling and it didn't work. I, I, I would always, I'd go in there with the best intentions,

absolutely convinced that I was going to do it this time. And,

you know, pretty pretty quickly I would be back out there again because those feelings of being uncomfortable and, you know, basically all that resentment and feel I carry around with me got, got me back out there again. And that cycle just repeated itself over and over and over. You know, I, I got pregnant basically. And I got pregnant and I thought that was going to fix it as well. I thought, well, if I have a baby, everything will be all right, I'll be able to stop.

And that wasn't the case. I was in my third treatment centre, you know, seven months pregnant and, and I picked up a drink, you know, and social services were involved. And it was like the, the threat of losing my baby wasn't going to stop me. It just wasn't it, you know, that that obsession of the mind was too powerful.

Yeah. And, and once again, I was, I was back out there.

What what happened? There were many things that happened,

but basically I, towards the end of my pregnancy, put down the drink and I was just on prescribed medication and I just, I did it on willpower, you know, and I, I thought if I put down drink, everything is going to be OK. What I didn't realise was that I'd be left with my head, that I'd be left with disease because, yeah, what what I know today is that this is a disease that sent us in my mind and body. And actually the drink was just a solution to that.

So yeah. And, and, you know, put down the drink and I stayed like that for about nine months roughly. And I went absolutely crackers, absolutely crackers. I, you know, was acting out in all kinds of ways and actually causing the causing the same harms pretty much as I did when I was actively out there. And again, I was brought to my knees because

I knew that I was going to drink again and I really didn't want to.

And I knew, I knew my palaces. That was like my step one experience. And it was really painful because I knew I couldn't live without it and I couldn't live with it. And what, what is there left to do? What am I going to do? You know, because pretty soon I was going to be drinking again.

So and during sort of my active drinking and using, I'd been in and out of different fellowships and been to meetings and things. So what I did was I got myself into the rooms of a 12 step fellowship

and luckily, and I'm so grateful there were people in that fellowship that spoke of that big book and, and told me, you know, to get myself a sponsor and start working the 12 step program because that was going to be the solution to my disease, to my illness. And I'm so, so grateful today for the people that carry that message freely to me.

Yeah, just so grateful because without it I wouldn't be sitting here today.

So, you know. Yeah, absolutely. So that's why did I follow the suggestions. I, I got myself a sponsor who was working with the program herself and I got on with the steps basically.

And from there, like my life just started to turn around. You know, she, she took me 3 steps, one to three. And to be honest, I've been on step one for quite a while and it was like I needed to get on with it. And we did step one to three, you know, in about an hour or two.

And

yeah, it, it was just, I saw, I shared this last night. It says in the step 9 promises that we'll be amazed before we're halfway through. And I was amazed, you know, at step three, I started to become amazed by this. And I, and I knew that, you know, there was an answer there. And so, yeah, steps 1:00 to 3:00.

And basically I did my step one to three in that same day. She showed me the columns of step four and she told me to get on with it.

And that is exactly what I did. And I was so like, for me, it's Step 4 wasn't a negative experience. And there wasn't like, I don't know. Yeah, it wasn't negative. It was really positive. I was really, really happy to just be getting on with it because I knew that that all that to get on with the steps was going to be the solution to my honesty. I didn't want to go out and drink again. So I got on with it

and I got it done and started to learn a lot about myself. I looked at all my fears, my resentments,

my sexual conduct. I did it in the columns like it says in the big book and yeah, shared it did my step 5-6 and seven. And I was, I was ready, you know, I was, I was ready. I was at that place where I was ready and

yeah, I can't get a bit lost. Yeah, I was, I was ready and I needed to do that step forward. It was vital because all that stuff, that fear and resentment I'd carried around with me for years and I was, that's the stuff that I was drinking on. That's what I was. That was what's going to take me back to drink. So it was no good kind of going to step one to three and thinking, oh, well, I'll just stay here for a bit. You know, I really needed to get on with it.

So I, you know, I did and I got on with it and after I read my Step 4 hour, it was like, it just felt amazing. And she, she turned round to me and she just gave me a hug and just said, you know, you're an alcoholic Alex, and it's OK. And, you know, all that fear I just feel around doing it just, you know, it was silly. And the amount of freedom that I got from it was absolutely

astounding. And that's when I started to really see this stuff

works. And so, yeah, continue to get on with the rest of it and made my step eight list. And, you know, now I'm doing my step 9 amends. And you know, those, those promises, promises a strong word. And they do come true. They're coming true for me

before.

You know, earlier tonight, I was like, you know, getting my daughter ready for bed and giving her a bath. And she was like lying on a changing mat, smiling up at me.

And I just, my head was going a bit mad because I thought, I've got a share tonight. And I looked down at her and I thought, wow, you know, I, it's amazing. I've got her in my life today, right? And I can enjoy it. I can look at her smile and see the absolute beauty in it and the beauty that's in my life today. And that is a result of work in this program,

because before you know, I was all about what can I take from you what, what have you got to give me? And,

you know, I was out for myself and today I'm thinking about what I can bring to my home, my family, what can I bring to the newcomer in a meeting? You know, so, yeah, I mean, I'm on my step nine list. And and the other thing that I think is really important and it's vital is is we keep this up on a daily basis. We have a daily reprieve. It's not we do steps 1:00 to 12:00 and and that's it. We're all right. You know, it's you know, it's an ongoing process. And I mean the

that they use it's like we continued and we sought and and that tells me that, you know, we have to keep doing it on a daily basis.

Step 10s, Whenever I'm in fear of resentment, I watch for that

because that is the stuff when, you know, when I'm in defects character, I'm in pain and I need to be sharing that with my sponsor and praying for it to be removed because otherwise I get that restless irritability and discontent comes back in and I start to cause more harm to people around me. And I'm no good to anybody when I'm like that. So Step 10's absolutely vital daily basis,

working all the steps really, and getting on with the step 11 and 12 and carrying the message, you know, to to the newcomer. If there is anyone in this room.

Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. Having a message to the newcomer.

If there is anybody in this room tonight who is new, you know, just sit back and listen because

you might hear something tonight that could really help you. And this stuff does save lives. You know, I know today that I suffer with this illness and it's a killer illness and I don't want to be messing around with this stuff. You know, for me, I, I need to be coming to meetings and hearing a solution. I need to be working the solution on a daily basis. For me, it's like,

you know, I tried the counsellors,

I tried all the, you know, gets some self knowledge and that'll be OK. But that's not what the solution is. The solution is my feet have got to be firmly planted in the power greater than myself today. I you know and I need to be working these steps and all the self knowledge in the world isn't going to save me so.

Yeah, I mean, I'm on just the facts about my illness today. But but yeah, I need to be working the steps basically because that is my medicine. That is what that's what's going to keep me sober. And I do not want to go out there and drink again because I don't want to go back to that place. I know for me, if if I was to do that, I would drink to die,

really.

And I don't want to go back there. You know, I'm so grateful for what I have in my life today. I'm so grateful that I've been asked to share tonight. And can I leave it there? Yeah. Thank you.