The Truro Spring Fling in Truro, Nova Scotia

Goodbye

name is Rich Brockton I'm an alcoholic and thank you all for having me back at I want to got to go to a lot of places once but twice was a rarity and three times almost never happened and it's me coming back because there's there's two types of people here those of you that have gotten known have become a part of my life ever. The first time I came here was five or six years ago and some of you call me fairly routinely, let me know what's going on with your lives, share these incredible men's

is with me or whatever is happening in your life. And I really appreciate that. And the other group of folks that are here. There's a lot of people that I've I've never seen in anything that's that's gone here before round up or a big buck study and I think that's wonderful and not to embarrass anybody. Is there anybody here within your first year of sobriety?

All right, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Is there anybody here in in your last 30 days of sobriety?

In your last 30

and there's probably somebody here that might be leaving us in the next week. And I think that there's probably two people, you know, for the, the folks that are new to Alcoholics Anonymous on the next 2 1/2 hours. I'm, I'm here, just kidding. I'm here to talk with you folks. And then

anybody that's been around a while, you know, maybe hit that plateau and Alcoholics and Oscar life's gotten good. It's just kind of OK, how are you? I'm fine,

you know, been sober 26 years. It's great. You know, been 35 years doing good.

You know, maybe, maybe something gets sparked up tonight

and and we have a new experience with this state called Alcoholics Anonymous. I will tell you that Alcoholics Anonymous is the single greatest thing that has ever happened in my life. And deciding to go ahead and go through with the spiritual process of the 12 steps is the greatest decision I never wanted to make.

And if anyone has not gotten involved in starting that, I will tell you that my experience is that Alcoholics Anonymous is the 12 steps period we talk about. Keep it simple. That's it. Everything else is supplemental to that. Alcoholics Anonymous is a spiritual program of action with the support fellowship, not the other way around. We're not a fellowship with a support set of steps.

The meetings, my sponsor told me right away, said. I said now clocks. No, this is a meeting.

Alcoholics Anonymous as a set of principles contained in 164 pages in a book you haven't read. OK,

I had a tendency to confuse those things. So I like to say those things right away in case I forget that that might be the only thing somebody hears. And, and, and if that's all that's said, that's that that might be worth it. I had,

I had my first drink of alcohol that that I can remember. My parents, I went to a public school up to 3rd grade. In my mind, they ripped me out of that public school and started sending me to a private school. Of course, that was to get a better education. Having been able to look at this now on on the other side of things, haven't been through these steps and having a little perspective on my life. And that's what alcoholism is. It's a disease of perception and the way that I see things and the way that I experience things. And that's what's changed in my life

as I stand here is the way that I see things is and experience them is different than I once did. And, and I for a long time, I thought my parents were terrible. And I told you a very sad story of my upbringing and, and, and these mean parents. And that's just not true. I have wonderful parents. They want the best for me. I had a bus ride, 45 minutes each way to go to the school.

There were middle class people that saved the money to send me somewhere so that I could have a better education and maybe a better life than they ever had. That's all they ever wanted for me

was to have a better life than they had, and I hated them for it 'cause I didn't see it that way. They ripped me away from my friends and sent me with these rich kids. I found out that they were rich and we were poor because they told me so. Kids are good like that in about fourth grade. They just tell you things. I lived on a farm. They called me a redneck. I like the older kids. They didn't like me. I don't know what that was about. I just wanted to hang with them.

There was an unwritten rule at this school. There was like an imaginary line on, on on the school bus. Like we talked about an imaginary line in a a about when you become an alcoholic. You guys set up I crossed an imaginary line

into alcoholism.

That might have happened for me. I'm not sure if I crossed an imaginary line. I was drunk when it happened. I missed the whole thing. I wish I'd have seen a line I might have turned around, but I doubt it. I'm pretty sure that I became alcoholic because my mother and father don't drink. They never have never seen have a sip of alcohol. To this day, I don't think either one of them have.

My sponsor told me don't spend too much time worrying about it. Your alcohol because you drank too much. And so if anybody spending any time figuring out whether you be alcoholic or don't be alcoholic, why might just because you drank too much and you can leave it at that. He tells me a funny story that Alcoholics were the only people in the world. Our house can be on fire. It's burning to the ground

and we're standing there with the fire hose, totally capable of putting out the fire. But we want to ask you, how do you think this thing started?

Did you see anybody start? The fuck? Whose fault was this? I mean, did you see anybody like this fire? I'm not turning this hose on until we figure out how this thing started,

you know, and, and what could matter less than why I'm alcoholic when we have a perfectly good solution contained in our program.

But anyways, I would cross this imaginary line on the school bus, you know, And every day there was a kid that I, I think the school assigned, his name was Reed. His job was to just beat me up every day. Some of you might have had a read assigned to you,

and I never went back and checked this out with the school. I tend to invent things in my mind that that it's the way that I see things. And that's why an alcoholic is an honest. We tell our story and you know, we have the book as Bill sees it, and then Lois's book is as Lois remembers

because she was sober at the Alina.

So this, this is how I see it. And the school that I'm not sure whether they assigned read or not, but it sure seemed that way one day. I couldn't tell you for starting if I was in six or 7th grade, but I know a couple of the 8th graders asked if I wanted to skip last period and do some drinking. I'd never skipped any class and I'd never done any drinking. And I said, you bet as if I'd been doing it my whole life.

And they said, what do you? What do you drink? And I said bourbon. And I have no idea where that came from because I never had any bourbon

and I wish that I could stay here. There's a couple tough looking kinda dudes hanging out in here and, and I wish I could tell you that I had bourbon. It's a little bit embarrassing to tell you. In fact, we had Peach schnapps.

Pretty Sissy, but

one of the things I now know, and I think it might be one of the more important things that I know, is that it's not what alcohol does to me that makes me alcoholic. It's what alcohol does for me that makes me alcoholic. Alcohol does to me what it will do to anyone, alcohol or non alcoholic. If you put enough in me, I fall down, I crash cars, I get Duis, I might fight you, I might fight Five Guys. Big fighter, not a big winner. You know, I do dumb stuff,

might go to jail a lot, might wake up in a pool of my own stuff. And you know, none of that make that happens to anyone. If

do you put enough alcohol in them? If you put enough alcohol in somebody for a long enough period of time, it stopped. They'll even go through DTS. Not necessarily alcoholic, but for somebody like me, what alcohol did for me on that day. First of all, the mere fact that I can remember my first drink is strange. You know, go talk to somebody at your churches or civic organizations so you remember your first drink.

Look at you like you're nuts. You know, they remember their first car, maybe their first kiss,

maybe their first home they bought. You know that they don't remember their first drink. Like a monumental experience in life. And to me, it was like the single greatest moment of my existence to that point. I couldn't even believe that I wasted 14 years or whatever and had never had a drink.

It was like long overdue in my life and on on this day. So we skipped this last class. We're drinking this Peach snap. So here's what it did for me. The first thing that I noticed, I had to go to the bathroom.

The bathroom at this school, said boys on the door. And I thought, that's kind of strange. I feel like a man,

but I went in there anyway. And while I was in there, I made a decision. There was a girl in this school bus that I really, really liked. Her name was Nikki. And I like Nikki for a long time. And I didn't know how to tell Nikki I like Nikki. I didn't know how to talk to Nikki. I didn't know how to ask Nikki out. I mean, I, I didn't know how to interact at all with Nikki. But on this day, all of a sudden I did

so there's promises, you know, that were that were just read. I intuitively knew how to handle a situation that I didn't know how to handle. That's what alcohol does for me. All of those promises you could put in front of the promises after three drinks and then fill in the promise, right. No longer worried about financial and security. Leave me, you know, I can't pay rent tomorrow. Get around for everybody. I can see where my experience will benefit all of you at the bar, you know, after three drinks and

trying to get away from me. But and that's proof to me that the things that it does for me and how it was in fact a power in my life doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. And on this day, I'm in the boys room feeling like a man. I decide I'm going to sit next to Nikki. I get on that school bus. I start walking for the back. Reed gets up out of his seat and give me my daily beating. And his defense is not even all the way to his seat. As he's getting up out of that seat, I laid into him with everything I had. He went back in that seat and he went out.

Bus got really, really quiet. And I sat down next to Nikki and Mickey's looking at me and I'm looking at Nikki. And it felt I, I can't even describe it today. I mean, long overdue respect. You know what I'm talking about. Finally, don't you know who I am? And what I didn't know is this was called a resentment that I had towards Reed. You know, you guys taught me that word much later. I wish I had known what was going on. I thought I just hated it.

Turns out to be the same thing,

but we get to Mickey's bus stop and when Nikki goes to get off that school bus she leans over and Nikki gave me a little kiss that was half on the lips and half on the cheeks. Some of you guys might remember this deal. This was different than anything my mother or my aunt ever gave me.

I felt it in my toes. I mean, this was a big deal. And and she got off that school bus and I felt like 1,000,000 bucks. And I got off the school bus. I went into my house with my mother and father, who are good, good people who don't drink. And I was in big, big trouble.

You know, I proceeded to get sick. Peach schnapps is a lot better going down and coming up at Syrupy. It's a mess, quite a headache. The next morning I was grounded forever. I don't know if anybody remembers grounded forever. You know, that's a scary thing when you're at age.

I don't remember ever feeling that bad to that date. And the very next thought that went through my head was, are you ever going to do anymore of that drinking?

It was about that long.

You bet. You bet. Grounded forever sick as a dog. What a small price to pay for what I had going on on that school bus. You know what a small price to pay.

No, what I didn't know that I did at that moment

was I did a third step. I turned my will in my life over the care of alcohol

without even knowing it. And our book talks about how often times for the alcoholic, it's too late by the time we realize what's even going on. And one drink at a time, you know, one day at a time, just like we recover. It's the same way I got sick. I got sick 1 drink at a time. And it would take so slowly from me. Every bit of morality and integrity and the values that these wonderful parents had taught me, I just gave them over a little bit at a time to alcohol. And this thing that was helping me so much that day on the school bus with

with Nikki and and Reed and I and it's alcohol treated me well for a long, long time. I mean, all the way through high school, all the way through college, alcohol was good to me. I mean,

I wouldn't be standing here if I didn't like alcohol. I didn't like alcohol. I loved alcohol. I still love alcohol. It doesn't love me as much. I don't have a problem with drinking. I have lots of friends that drink. I have a problem with me drinking. You know an Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't have a problem with drinking.

Alcoholics Anonymous helps me to not drink a

ANYWAYS, this,

I can't describe it better better than Bill in his story. And it's one of the ways that I relate it with this old dude from the 30s writing in a book, you know, with a chapter, you know, starting off war fever ran high. I mean, Oh my God, this is lame. You know, could anybody,

how am I going to relate to this, you know,

going off to battle and, you know, they welcomed us into our homes, these soldiers. I mean, what is this guy talking about? But, you know, he goes on to talk about, is that this thing? Alcohol one day turned in flight like a boomerang, came back and nearly shredded me to ribbons. Now you got my attention.

I know about that Bill, whoever you are, old guy from the 30s, you know, he's writing to me

and that was pretty good because when I got here, my sobriety date is August the 30th of 04. I got here 30 years old. I'm a approaching 38 years old now. I I feel younger today than when I got here. I will tell you that at 30 years old, I felt like if I live to be 100, I would never feel older than I did that day. I felt like there was too much water had already gone under the bridge, man, It was just my life was

irreparable at 30 years old, you know, I had screwed it up so bad.

You know, they're, they're learning. Any coming back from this type feeling?

I went on ended up getting to go play soccer. I, I I was a good athlete.

Went out to University of San Diego, turned out there a Jesuit school. I don't know if that means anything to any of you. It didn't to me. Turns out that Jesuits are like a particular brand, a Catholic that value things like educating young men and women, building men and women of integrity, morals, things like altruism, all kinds of crazy stuff that I wasn't into.

I'm out there

trying to take these Jesuit classes. They assign me a person that is a

like a scholastic counselor. What this lady's name is, it wasn't even Counselor.

This is how crazy my mind is. This lady's title was academic advisor. I mean, that's pretty neutral, right? Academic advisor. Her whole job is just to help me pick out classes that I might maybe graduate in four years, you know, imagine that, get through College in a normal amount of time, and all she wants to do is help me do that. I don't see it that way

anybody in my entire life. And there have been countless good people in my life, parents, probation agents, wardens, bosses, lots of people that have tried to help me and steer me in the right direction. And just the way that I see the world, anyone trying to help me, I perceive that you're trying to hurt me. You're trying to hold me down. You're trying to tell me what to do. Get away from me. It's my life. Let me, you know, just let me live it my way.

I don't know what that's all about, but I've talked to an awful lot of you and

we seem to share that in common. Turns out that these old guys knew that. They said that defining characteristic of the alcoholic, you know, rebellion, defiance.

So she's trying to help me pick classes. She tells me that I need to have some things that make me look like I'm altruistic because I'm basically a mediocre to good student. I'm a soccer player. She said in case you haven't heard, there's really not much of a thing as like a professional soccer player. If you want to go on and do anything with your life that you're talking about, having some goals and the ambitions, you're going to need to have some altruistic stuff. That was the first time I heard the word what I thought she explained to me. And I know that again, I hear things wrong. I hear what I want to hear.

I thought altruistic meant things on my resume that made me look good,

and I was pretty familiar with trying to look good on paper. You know, that's a game that I play. Well, what do you want from me? And I'll be that, you know,

so she says, well, what I'm suggesting, we've had some plans here for quite a number of years to start an office of alcohol and drug education here at the university. We want to, it's going to be a student LED office. We want to send one student to get certified as an alcohol and drug counselor and start this office. It's going to be peer counseling where the students with alcohol and drug problems can come talk to a fellow student instead of a teacher or a counselor. And we want you to be to God to start that office

and and this is going to look really good on your resume. And I said, well, great, sign me up. So off I went. They certified me as an alcohol and drug counselor. I'm going to morning soccer practice. We have two a day practices in the morning. Then I have to go to these Jesuit classes all day. Then I come home,

have the evening practice. Then I have office hours with with the Alcoholics and then the drug addicts. From 7:00 to 10:00. I feel again alone and out of place. At this college. Everybody's rich, I'm poor. There's a couple other kids that I met that are on scholarship. We become fast friends. There's a spiritual principle that water seeks its own level. That happens drunk or sober. There's nothing we can do about it.

It's sort of like the thing that we call God or or the great laughing love or or the power or whatever y'all like to call it.

There's really not much any of us can do about we could say we believe in it, don't believe doesn't even matter. It just is, you know what we think. I mean there's probably nothing more irrelevant than any of our thoughts or whether or not there's a power, right? It's just happening. It's sort of like fish in a fishbowl. And what do you think about this water thing? You know, I'm not so I'm not so sure about it. You know, that's like us. I don't know about God. You know, we're just in it and around it and it's all I mean it's that dumb. It's like

stopping about water. So

now I'm drawn to these other guys that are on scholarship because they're like me. And that's what water does. It seeks its own level. These guys happen to be from right across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. It's 20 minutes away from my college. And these guys have lots of cousins right across the border. And these guys know how to get this green stuff that all little rich kids like to smoke at my college. So now we're bringing this stuff across the border and I got lots of friends back on the East Coast, 3000 miles away that don't get as good as stuff as we're getting.

Now I have a roommate from Maui, Hawaii. They sprayed Maui that year. All of the dope on Maui is killed. So there's no Maui Raui on Maui. I'm sure some some of you are seeing the business opportunity.

So now, now my life is getting fuller and more dynamic. I have the morning soccer practice. You know, I got the Jesuit classes now. I got to come home before soccer practice. I got a shrink wrap, the dope that we're mailing different places. Then I got the afternoon soccer practice

when I got a drink a little bit to simmer down because if your life was as slow as mine, you'd need a few drinks too, you know, just for stress. Then I got to go counsel you folks with the alcohol and drug problems. Some of you come see me. You're clearly a mess. You need Alcoholics Anonymous. Here's a schedule. You know, you so drug addict then you know, you, you just look like you have some money. Here's some counting on psychiatrist. And by the way, if any of you need anything,

see me after office hours

and then I need a few more drinks to fall asleep at night because I told you my life is busy. And

there's another principle that you guys taught me in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I thought I was drinking to fall asleep. I'm drinking more and more and more and I am drinking bourbon by this point. My very first lie became a self fulfilling prophecy. I ended up a bourbon drinker. I loved it and and I'm drinking a lot of it just to fall asleep. That's all just to fall asleep.

And it turns out that you guys have a principle in Alcoholics Anonymous because when I first got sober, I didn't sleep well for about 6 months. So if anybody's new and you're still having the sweaty pillows and tossing and turning and life sucks and the bills are coming in and life seems worse sober than it did when you were drunk, welcomed Alcoholics Anonymous. You might be a real alcoholic like me.

People that come in here and they stop drinking, they go to a meeting every day. All of a sudden they're skipping around talking about how life is great. You know,

I don't know what that is. Rock on. I think it's cool. I mean, I just like getting free and happy, however that happens. But that was not my experience, and I know I'm not alone. There's a lot of people dying stone cold sober one day at a time in Alcoholics Anonymous. And that was my experience at first. That was called not drinking and not changing the most painful period of my life.

You know, most Alcoholics, this is a statistic for whatever they're worth,

but they say that most Alcoholics that kill themselves do it when they're sober.

We usually don't kill ourselves drunk it. Alcohol relieves us. That's one thing it does for me. It relieves me enough of the bondage of self to where I don't have to kill myself that day. The fact that my mother can't look at me in the eye, that's okay, long as I got a few drinks in. The fact that my little sister only have one, she hadn't talked to me for six years. That's fine too

long as I'm drunk. The fact that there's all kinds of bills and bill collectors and the IRS looking for me. I have warrants in three different States and they're looking for me. I can still fall asleep if I got enough booze in me. But when I'm sober and sitting in your meetings and listening to what you folks are talking about, awful hard to fall asleep at night. But you guys had this principle and how do you all sleep? How do you sleep? What is like the a, a over the counter approved sleeping pill. I knew you guys had something for me and

you said we don't do that.

You know, clear conscience makes for a soft pillow. That was your big secret, and I can tell you that my conscience was anything but clear.

Senior year at that university, I'd switched from the green to the white stuff that we were bringing in and selling it was more money.

I I was living at 423 Nautilus St. It's the 3rd house up on the right. And La Jolla, CA, which is one of the most beautiful, wealthiest places in the United States. I'm driving a silver convertible BMW. It's got a number on the back that lets you know that they don't even make this car, you know, in the United States. Yeah, they don't sell it here. You have to have it shipped over from Europe because I'm not important. I'm dating the girls, the priest girl at the college. At least that's what you all said.

So I wanted to date her and,

and sitting on my couch, it's about 6:30 in the morning having cereal in my underwear, a boom boom, boom, boom, every single door in that house came in and the smoke bombs and I'm on the floor and the next thing you know, I have the zip ties, the plastic zip ties that worse than the handcuffs. There's probably somebody here that's had the plastic zip ties and

off I want and I will tell you that to that point, I've been arrested a lot for what I call drunk and stupid crimes. I'm, I'm, I'm just a,

I think when I used to tell my, my story, I, I came across like more of a, a tough guy or something. There's a lot of ego in, in, in being some type of bad guy. And I, and I wasn't, I was drunk and stupid. You know, all of the stuff I got arrested for was like peeing in public or a bar fighter, you know, that comedian Ron White. You have the right to remain silent. You know, I always had the right. I never had the ability, you know, and off I go for, for something another, you know,

And I wasn't a big time, you know, violent guy

where alcohol had taken me. I was having way more consequences than in high school because of the guys I was running with. If I took my shirt off, I've been stabbed in Panama. I have a brand on my shoulder of an end. Mexican cartel guys put on my shoulder. They kidnapped me and blindfolded me to make sure I knew who I worked for. And here I was in the Metropolitan Correction Center in downtown San Diego. The federal penitentiary.

I'd never been in a federal penitentiary with the amount of cocaine.

I was located upwards of 40 years in this penitentiary and, and I've never done anything like that. You know, give me a weekend, that's fine. Small price to pay. You know, for what alcohol does for me, give me a month, small price to pay. But this seemed like some, some serious business for the first time when I went to court, the United States Attorney stood up. He said if Mr. Proctor is given any bond whatsoever, he'll live a happy and successful life in Mexico.

That hit me. That's what I call a direct hit. An alcoholic in my variety does not respond to near misses.

Near misses is like when I roll my car over with two or three friends in it three or four times and it smashed up against a tree and we all get out and we'll cut up and stuff, but we're fine. And we get out and we laugh and God, I'm a good drunk driver. Did you see that? I mean, we just rolled that baby and walked, right? I'm good.

So that's how I see things like that. I, I see things weird, you know, you arrest me and you don't find what's in the trunk. You know, I think,

do it again, baby, I'm good. You know, all kinds of stuff. Near misses, very hard to get my attention except for a direct hit. For some reason, those words were a direct hit, because I knew deep down inside that I hadn't had a happy and successful life anywhere.

Not in that wonderful private school, not in a beautiful college, not in La Jolla, not with or without the car, not with or without the money. Nowhere ever had I had a feeling inside of nothings missing, nothings broken.

That's what Alcoholics Anonymous will one day give me, that feeling of wholeness. Nothing missing, nothing broke.

And also I went to the cell, there are two guys that came in there. I started going to some Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in there. I was figured I might as well go to some of these things I've been sending you all to for years. And I went just because I was bored in the cell. A couple guys that were pretty lame. They were just like I am tonight, which I can assure you is not how I used to dress.

I just don't think they couldn't be lame. I now have a sponsor my my first sponsor, Jim. He he had a sponsor, I mean, Clarence Snyder, who had a sponsor named Doctor Bob Smith

and it was pretty big on this book and and Justin Wright for Alcoholics Anonymous. It's a play. He said, you know what? This is the drunks Church. It's a place that saved my life. He used to knock a hat off my head if I wore one into a meeting. He said, son, take your hat off. And here you may not respect this place, but I do. It saved me my life. You know, it gave me the best thing that's ever happened to me. Show a little respect, kid. And I used to want to punch him in his face. And I stand before you tonight, you know, proud to dress up a little bit, you know, and show you that my life's a little bit different. Because

sometimes the best I can do is is to look the part, because

I'm nothing perfect, that's for sure. Tonight's my night to do the easiest thing in Alcoholics Anonymous, which is to run my mouth. You know, we all carry the AA message and when absolutely necessary, we use our mouth.

Most of the time it's done with my feet and with the guys I work with and, and the little stuff that that we get to do in Alcoholics Anonymous. And this is like the, this is the gravy coming to do this type of stuff. This is, I mean, this is like being a postman for God. All you do is you come deliver the good news because there's, there's nothing bad about Alcoholics Anonymous and there's nothing to be scared of in these 12 steps. If you haven't done them, there's nothing to be scared of. I'm here to give you nothing but good news. And I love doing that.

How can you not like bringing the good news to a group of people?

I went back to my cell as they're taking me with these two lamas. Jim used to say an Alcoholics Anonymous, we have to live perfectly square. And he'd always do that with his hands, he says. Because once we start cutting corners and Alcoholics Anonymous,

we're back in the spiral of alcoholism. And they always do that with, and I remember that cutting corners back in the spiral of alcoholism. And I, I remember that because I thought that this was pretty square, you know, and, and as a matter of fact, they're taking me back to the cell.

And my thought was, and this is truthful was boy, those two guys really got it bad. They can never drink again.

You know, I'm looking at 40 years and I'm feeling sorry for these guys because one day I'm going to get out of here and can drink and they're never going to drink again.

I did get out of there just before nine months. It wasn't getting bombed. About two days prior to trial, it came out that the DEA agents and some of the people apparently had some honesty problems of their own on the affidavit to get the search warrant from my house. All the evidence got thrown out. They had nothing. They they set me free. I would like to tell you that, you know, I hot tailed it to Alcoholics Anonymous because of those two guys that took the time to, you know, bring me the message of a a, but that's not true. Anybody that spent any period of time

knows that you're very thirsty when you get out. And now, Mark, the new period in my life where

our book talks about alcohol had me lock, stock and barrel, you know, and that's what had happened. I completely surrendered my life to alcohol at this point. I couldn't stay where I was at San Diego. There was a lot of people looking for me for a lot of reasons.

I, I started a period where I was going to Colorado, Utah, Idaho. I'd stay somewhere as long as I could until I had to leave in the middle of the night because eventually my alcoholism would have me do something that I didn't want to do. And I get in more trouble on the midnight Mover, you know, And every time I move,

it's fast. It's gotta be fast. And I gotta take half of what I had, you know, if I collected all my possessions that are strewn across this country, I could probably open ATV store from all the TV's that I had to leave behind, you know? And eventually I end up with, you know what, this pretty common, you know, alcohol luggage like the black Hefty trash bag.

And I eventually end up meanwhile, if I talk to any of you along this journey of alcoholism,

especially women, you know, dress pretty nice, like everybody is here tonight. You know, you sit next to me on a bar stool in Idaho and you say, So what are you doing? Where are you from? I say, I'm traveling, traveling, babe, you know, like I'm some type of romantic sojourner across the country. That's how, you know, the delusion of alcohol. We often lose the ability to differentiate the truth from the false, you know, and, and the reality of is that I'm I'm a man without a country. I can't stay where I was because there's people looking for me. I can't go back home because

my family to no end, my ego won't let me face them and they're done with me.

But I eventually make the call and I end up with a lot of big time wannabe drug dealer tough guys end up. And that was, you know, back on my mom's couch in Ocean City, MD. And if anybody laughing, that means you might have started your sobriety on your mother's couch, which is a great place to start sobriety.

And, and, and back there. I started going in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous all the time because my mother said, you know, you, you can stay here, you know, as long as you want, as long as

you guys know the rule. There's only one rule at moms house. You know, you don't drink and, and I was never, ever, ever, ever going to drink again.

And I meant it with every fiber of my business. My one chance to turn it all around. I mean, I couldn't even believe she took me back in again.

And I meant it

with everything.

And it wasn't long. I'm going to like 3 meetings a day. I'm making coffee for y'all and drink coffee. I don't know why I had to make it. You know, I'm setting up chairs for meetings I don't like. I set up literature racks. You know, you give me a job, I do it. I am actively involved in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and I can seem to make it about 20 to 30 days before I eventually drink again.

Happens every time. Every time to me,

I will tell you what that water seeks its own level thing. There are certain types of meetings I stay out of if I go in. You guys have one of these books. Some of you are dumb enough to put them on the front table. Where do people sit? And that's for guys like me that come in, you know, they see that book up front. I know that I got to get to another meeting because you all might talk about like the book or steps or something like that. I'm desperately looking for what in my area we call an open discussion meeting. What that means is you can just pretty much talk about anything

you want. My my sponsor cost them BB meetings. I said what's a BB meeting? He said I don't know, but in AA and

I've been sober for 48 years, I couldn't tell you what that stuff is they're doing these days. Might be great. It just isn't a A. I don't have an opinion on it. It's BB, not a A and,

but I love it. You know, I like to meet. My favorite topic is like getting fired where everybody's talking. I lost another job or, you know, maybe a girlfriend left. That was always a good one. You know, let's talk about relationships. Like anybody knows anything about relationships and Alcoholics Anonymous. We're going to give each other advice on that. You know, I love it. These are my meetings. These are my people,

you know, And it was like the mutual misery society, you know, nobody's life is really getting any better each week. It was like, we just share about problems

and, and I love that stuff. Why do I love it? Because of the same spiritual principle. Water seeks its own level, you know.

I'll leave it at that.

And you know, there's a couple people that are particularly sickening to me. My, my least favorite was this woman named Janine. Janine, just really good God, you guys are going to agree with me on this. I hope Janine was one of these checks. I don't know if you have them up here. They're always carrying this book in and out of every meeting. And she's got this little group of girls that she sponsors. There's usually somewhere between four and eight of them following her around in and out. And they got their little books

and they're always smiling. And she doesn't call him sponsees. She doesn't call him pigeons. She calls them duckies. I mean, that's it's enough to make you puke. I mean, to the enemies duckies. And they're going around and, and she's smiling. She's very clearly, she's happy about being sober

and I don't know what that's all about because I told you I'm not one of those people. You know, I don't have the ability to control and enjoy my drinking. You want me to control it? That means I'm not drinking this week and I'm miserable about it.

But she was very clearly happy and sober and so were these little duckies and my life is going down and down and down by this point. My moms poked me out. She has a ex parte order. I'm not allowed within 100 yards of her house.

My sister hadn't talked to me, I told you, in six years. I have warrants in three states. I mean, I'm a winner

and

I'm bouncing in and out of a A and I can't stay sober.

Finally, I break into my mom's house at about 3:00 in the morning. One of the other things I found out that I really related to Bill,

my sponsor told me it was important to find myself in this book. He said once you find yourself in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, you're off to a great start. And Bill has a line in here. He says when the morning terror and madness were on, I would steal from my wife's slender purse. Another direct hit. I knew what he was talking about. That's 2-3 in the morning when I run out of whatever I need and I need more desperately. And he says it's at these times that men were often make the supreme sacrifice or we need ourselves. That's when I do all the stuff that leads