The Way of Life speaker meeting in Santa Barbara, CA

Well, as DeAndre, I'm an alcoholic.

Oh wow, it's really crowded in here boy. Anybody got any oxygen on them? Good to be sober. My sobriety birthday is May the 29th, 1991. My Home group is the No Nonsense group in Redondo Beach, CA and my sponsor is Jimmy Moss. And what an honor and a privilege it is to do anything sober for Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I want to thank the powers that be for allowing me to come and share with you this evening.

House, if you're a newcomer, you're pretty lucky. I'm a pretty Goddard good speaker. So

from the some of these means, man, I used to come to some of these reasons why I'll just be like, is he going to get sober?

Some people share a lot about drinking and they boy, drinking and drinking and drinking and drinking and drinking

and then you come to a room like this and it's kind of stuffy is like, yeah, wouldn't mind having a drink right about that. You know that that's not what I'm not. I'm not going to do that to you. Really good to be sober. I I love speaking, you know, I really do. It's and it's not just that I'm good at it,

but I really don't like some of the stuff that I hear in the meeting. So being a speaker allows me to make an adjustment to that.

I got someone, a place called Warm Springs Rehabilitation Center. And just when I walked in, my friend Dave reminded me that I have like a phobia with a whole lot of white people in wooded areas in the background.

So. So I have to, I have to remember I said that prayer and it don't matter. And I mean, hey, this is an AA meeting. Welcome to the AA meeting. And he's saying AA. We don't want no other letters to get involved. This is AA, right? OK,

And a a meeting. I saw a lot of new people, newcomers and the lifeblood of the program when I first got sober, they used to say that newcomers should be heard from often but briefly. And so we are glad that new people are still coming to a A, which means that, you know, alcohol

does not work for people who are alcoholic and who can't stop.

And that's why I had to go to that rehab is I started out drinking with my mom making alcohol look so darn fun when we were little. And I didn't know that that craving for that kind of energy from drinking had anything to do with the obsession that comes along with being an alcoholic. I just thought that, you know,

my mother was very entertaining while drinking and

I got a hold of it, you know,

and I, I really began to see why she liked it so much, you know, and alcohol allowed me to

have that size that I just had right there, that sort of,

you know, and then all of a sudden I needed more.

And then I just started

get the side really quick. Me and my brother used to go to this chicken place with my mother called Jimmy Dandy Fried Chicken. And they used to have these little, square little things for you, which you clean your hands with. And we would open that thing up and just lay back and put that thing on our face, you know, you just because it had that alcohol, you know, and I just alcohol, you know,

I'm an alcoholic

and I love alcohol and, and I want to go downtown really fast quickly, you know, And I so, you know, it doesn't matter what chemical I take. It's this body. I'm putting it in right. And I don't know that. And then I come to a A and, and I by way of a treatment facility and we got all these, you know, these Alcoholics and dozens and all of that. And it's just like we'll get yeah, I guess. I mean, come on, you know, let's do it. And, and, and I'm A, and

I just, you know, I just, I just wanted inside of me because I can't

figure out how to stop wanting it. So we got to get it in there and I got to go, it's got to go downtown real fast, you know, and I wound up on 5th and San Julian, you know, which is Skid Row in Los Angeles. And I sold me my brother's clothing and anything I could get my hands on, you know, to get that next drink, you know, and, and, and one of the things that I used to get so upset about is how, you know, the people who didn't know how to drink and, and, and just

taken in, they always whining and complaining. And sister, come on, that's straight.

And I remember the first time I went down on Skid Row and and I don't know if you guys have ever seen that movie with a, with a white lady gets and she's spinning around on the hill seeing the hills are alive, the Sound of Music. I felt like that woman when I got off the back of that bus because I saw all of the people just drinking and doing whatever they wanted, you know? And I love that. And I, I,

I don't see why everybody was making such a big deal out of it.

You know, why make a big deal out of me drinking?

Don't you feel the way I feel when I drink? You know, and it reminds me of that part in the doctor's opinion where it says that, that, that I see other people drinking with impunity. There's no harm. There's no, there's no reaction. There's no physical allergy. You know, they're not allergic to it, you know, and it's not, you know, breaking out into homelessness or breaking out into I don't love you anymore, Mom. It's not breaking out into that.

When it breaks out into is just this, this. I can't stop obsessing and wanting it over and over again,

you know? And it's like with me, I am an addict, but I'm an alcoholic 1st and then an alcoholic. It's like when I drink that alcohol, I feel complete. When I took drugs, I knew I was crazy fast, you know? I knew I was crazy and I knew that you know, I'm, I'm gloated off dope. But, but, but alcohol. When I drink alcohol,

I feel a certain completeness that I really can't describe.

And if you're, if you're not an alcoholic, you're not getting me right now anyway. So I'm going to move along. But the alcoholic men and women in this room know when I'm talking about, when I talk about that completeness, it doesn't matter if you're from Yale or jail, when you get that completeness, you know, what's up, man? And I, and I remember just being ran out of that neighborhood because I didn't drink the way everybody did. The people that, you know, Alcoholics, that's not very many of us when you look at us,

the eyes of all these normies running around here. So I stood out, man. And, and I remember just getting chased out of that community and I and I wound up downtown and I and I wound up, you know, fighting for my right to stay down there. People would try to get me and move me and change me, you know, and they would want to medicate me and stuff. It's like, you know, don't take me off drugs that I like for drugs that I don't, you know, and and they want to medicate. They want to medicate the alcoholic and do all

and I don't understand the answer. OK, I'm not cussing, I'm yelling. I don't get it.

Why is this such a hassle for you?

And and I and I wind up in this rehab, you know, and I go to the largest male county rehab in the county of Los Angeles, Warm Springs,

and I go to my first a a meeting ever. I've been sober since my first meeting. My drunka logs over. If you're new, I'm going into recovery. Hold on. I know that's like wait a minute, come on, talk about some more drinking, you know, but I go to this rehab and I listen to these people and then these panel people are coming up. Thank God for H and I, You know, these H and I people would come up and they didn't look like how I felt.

These ancient nine people would come up in there and they'd be smiling

and they seem to get along with each other and they seem to actually care about being there at that rehab. Cause Warm Springs is really, it's far up into the mountains. And they would drive up in there and, and, and, and sort of, you know, just it, it was mesmerizing. I couldn't believe. Why would you come all the way out here in the mountains

to talk about not being able to get drunk?

You would have to have a 40 oz on the way up there in order to do that,

you know, And they would come up there and they would tell us that not only were they sober, but that AA was keeping them that way.

See, And then a lot of the meetings, everybody showing up sober for the most part. And I think that's wonderful.

But if you stick around here a little while longer than how you feel,

you'll see that a A can keep you that way. It can keep you sober. And I used to always get sober. All my mother had to do was either 1st and I was sober

but I would get drunk again you know. And since my first meeting I have not had to do that so far. So far you know. And so anyway, I leave this rehab and I move to this beautiful little town called Lancaster, CA

Oh, I'm sorry.

I moved to Lancaster. And I go to a place called the Open Door Fellowship Hall of Alcoholics Anonymous. And there is where I met my original sponsor. His name was Dennis Lee, you know, and he's died since then. He took me through the steps, you know, he walked up to me. He made the approach.

I

was a little uncomfortable with that because I was told at the rehab to go and look for a sponsor and they had some ideas that we needed to have in regards to getting a sponsor. And my original sponsor didn't go for that. He did what the big book said and he made the approach to my new behind and he started talking to me about the first three steps and I told him that I had already basically done the first three steps because I completed my step packets

at the rehab.

You know, the blue and pink and green. Well, you know, and then you talk about how your mother used to look in the morning and all of that. You see, I filled out all those forms. So I really didn't need him to take me through the first three steps. I needed to be started on what you guys seem to make a big deal out of this inventory.

And he said, well, you may know about the first three steps, but you need to learn what I know about the first three steps.

And that kind of threw me for a loop because I didn't know what he knew about the first three steps. And that's how he got, you know, he was,

he was really good at all the stuff I was bad at when I got here,

especially the sober part. And, and I just remember him loving me through all of that in his own way of doing that. He was about five years sober when I met him, you know, and he saved and then changed my life forever.

See, and I know that there are people and Alcoholics Anonymous who are not having that experience with their sponsor, and that's really none of my business. I was called down here to share my experience. And the strength that I get from the relationship I had with him is what he allowed me to do in order to stay connected with this program. And the hope is that any man or woman that comes through here who means business can really get down to the causes and conditions of why they drank

and what a can do about it for them.

And there's just a lot, there's just a lot of stuff going on in meetings and stuff nowadays besides that. And I can't really go into all of that, even though I brought half my Home group here with me to help me if there's some BS after this meeting.

But I know that everybody has their own. I mean, each group is autonomous. Everybody has their own character. And that's all fine. But what I got taught was something that I'm willing to show somebody else, you know, because usually when I get ahold of something really, really good, I don't like bringing other people in on it because they're going to mess it up, you know? But I'm willing to share everything that that man offered me by way of Alcoholics Anonymous as a sponsor.

You know, and

I, I just miss him. You know, I called him. My birthday is coming up. This is another year where he won't be there to give me that cake. I have my current sponsor now and I'm forever grateful for him. But I really miss my original sponsor. And I know that everybody says don't put people on pedestals around here. We know that pedestals are for books and statues. But I've had a human ultimate spiritual experience by way of this program.

And it's OK if I'm spiritually connected to some people there nothing wrong with that.

And he changed my life, man. My mother, he did stuff for me. My Mama will never be able to do for me in regards to this fatal disease, you know? And I just, I just love him for that because I was such a piece of it when I got here.

And

the patience, you know, 'cause I used to think that some of his ways of dealing with me, you know, it just seemed like he was not very fair.

Because I would see all these other people in the meeting and they would be with their sponsor. And they just look so peaceful. And they would take their chips and their cakes and talk about, you know, the sponsor that they had. And then I look at him

and it's like, look at what I'm stuck with. And,

and it took some years sober for me to really understand that he was trying to really, really help me.

And the Big Book warns that I didn't even have to like him in order for that to happen.

You know, I just needed to start accepting the fact that he was a man with a real answer,

you know, and

I know after leaving Lancaster, I moved to a little town called Simi Valley.

That's all I'm gonna say about that.

And after living there for a whole whopping 6 months,

I I moved to Glendale. And I do live in Glendale right now. I live right next to Griffith Park and it's a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful place. Squirrels and raccoon. I feel like snow Black

this is it's all no serious because we don't have those creeks. I grew up in the project. We don't have a lot of, you know,

forest animals in the project,

but but I love the neighborhood. I really love it. I mean, they've made a mistake and actually taught me how to respect this community. And it's really going to be hard to get rid of me. I have a beautiful landlord. I have a really good life. I have a beautiful job. I work.

Yeah, for real.

And I, I work with autistic children. I'm an ABA therapist. I work, I've been doing it for about 13 years. And I'm really good with newcomers, too. There's like a parallel there.

So do that

and I work with the newcomers and I get work done by my sponsor. My sponsor told me 3 weeks ago that a hypocrite is not related to the hippopotamus,

so I had to do some inventory on that. He was referring to me

so I'm not related to hippopotamus and I can I'm a hypocrite sometimes, which is a form of dishonesty and he's trying to change that. Help me, you know, give me to my higher power to remove some of this insanity. I want to read something out of the big Book. I can read from

the big Book. No, because I know you know how people are about this book.

You know,

read the book in the meeting and everybody gets uncomfortable, you know, But I love the Big Book of Alcoholics. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous ended the flying, flying period, not my sobriety date. And I need to respect that,

you know, because I'm so arrogant. And I come here and I finally get sober, and my mind automatically tells me, yeah, what's up,

really? Why that's a bad idea is because there's been some men and women around here who've already blazed the trail, you know? And I, as a newer member, when I showed up, it seemed like I needed to put a spin on it.

I needed to somehow tweak it a little bit. And I was informed by my sponsor and my grand sponsor that that is unnecessary.

And one of the ways that I would try to kind of help a a out a lot is show up at y'all's business meetings, these business meetings you guys have. And as a newcomer, I would show up at these meetings to really help you guys interpret the program correctly.

I mean, you can't do that in the regular meeting. You know,

there's too many people there who really know what's up with you. So I go to the business meeting and try to pontificate on what needed to be done in our group

and

my sponsor didn't like that for some reason and I thought he was embarrassed by me. But later on, through talking to him in private, he just told me I was making a fool out of myself,

so I had to respect that. Anyway, I wanted to share something on this part here and there is a solution and it's right there

where it talks about the feeling of having shared in a common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us. But that in itself would never have held us together as we are joined now and the way I was taught this part in the book.

Is that Bill is referring to the fact that we've all had this horrible drinking experience

and we're all allowed to use that as a common way to kind of connect with each other? But that is only one element

and what is really holding us here, those of us who have time. In other words, the drunk a log is can only go so far. Eventually I'm going to have to do some work in order to make some changes to not be so thirsty to where I'm constantly trying to seek some sensation, including by using my drug, a log.

I'm gonna have to get closer to this higher power and ask this God of my own understanding to remove these defects of character that are blocking me from not only trying to get drunk again, but not be able to be of service.

And when I stay in man, I wish I could get drunk world when I stay there because and a lot of my disease is coming baffling and powerful. And there's a lot of ways that my mind will try to convince me

that the spiritual way of life is boring.

It's slow. There's not enough dancing involved.

People tend to keep their clothes on when they're supposed to.

People start sleeping where they're supposed to be sleeping at,

and there's not enough booyah, you know?

Do you know why newcomers like drama so much? I said I don't know, why don't newcomers like drama so much? He says. Because it puts him at the center of attention,

you know, and serenity and, and Peace of Mind used to freak me out, man. I was standing in the grocery line one day and I was feeling really comfortable and spiritual. I had grown. I was 10 years sober and I started really developing on my spiritual journey. And then some woman cut me off, got in the express line and had more than 10 groceries in her basket.

So

I've had some trouble in this area of spiritual growth

and I'm just so grateful that my sobriety is not contingent upon how I feel about it.

You know,

let me, let me can I say that? Do you mind? I mean, we got some time. I I because I got sober really quick.

My sobriety means more to me than how I feel about it,

you know? And if you're new, I hope you feel

kind of sick about it, you know, 'cause when I got sober, it just seemed like all the new people were trying to make it sort of a celebrity. It was sort of a, yeah, we're all new. Hooray.

And it felt like somebody had ripped my skin off and poured salt on it. I was not a happy newcomer when I got here

and I smelt that way too.

Very smelly unhappy camper. And what happened is through working the Staffs and connecting with people at my Home group, all of a sudden my attitude changed.

But when I first got here, I immediately thought if I fake it, I can make it.

If I just pretend that everything is OK, that everything is going to be all right. For minute I thought that and my sponsor explained to me that that is a form of dishonesty and if you have to feel miserably new and not really want to do this stuff, stick around and let the solution work anyway,

you know? And I can't let my feelings fool me into sponsoring myself

and I and I and I and I call my feelings before I call my sponsor. Does that make sense?

Let me see how I feel about this before I kill myself. And then, you know, I'll give him a call. Maybe he can help. You know, he's only got 26 years sober. So I'm, so I'm not calling my feelings today before I call my sponsor,

you know, I don't check in with my mind to see if it's a good idea to call my sponsor. And for some reason my attitude keep changing, you know, and it helps me and I'm a healthier person for it. So if you're a newcomer and you don't even have a sponsor yet, let me give you some advice.

Try to get one, you know,

it's really important, you know, and, and I'll share this, a lot of the sponsorship that I got in the beginning of my sobriety, I didn't know that it would be so important for aging in my sobriety. I've gotten older now, you know, and I'm just so grateful that some of those key little tiny things that he taught me helps me do maintenance on 18 years of sobriety. And it was real practical. I'm not a rocket scientist,

you know. Like, how about sitting through the meeting from prayer to prayer,

from the from the time the meeting starts to the time the meeting ends? How about being in the whole meet?

You know, How about making sure

that the bathroom isn't disgusting

without anybody paying attention?

How about making sure that when I say your work is due and we're going to read that you're prepared?

How about calling me before you go into crisis regularly? So when you're in crisis, I'm already there for you. You know, breakdown, maintenance, sobriety. Can't stand it because that's not how I drank, you know,

and, and just little, little little Nuggets of, of, of, of, of wisdom that he passed on to me, you know, keeps me from being a fuddy Duddy about Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, I'm not bored today. And he taught me that boredom was a form of self centeredness. Anyway, he was not impressed

with how, you know, uncomfortable. I was about a, A, It didn't excite him, you know,

And I'm really, I'm really, I'm really in a place right now in my sobriety where not only do I care about Alcoholics Anonymous, but I'm really trying to carry a message of assertiveness.

And I'm, and this is, you know, this is just my experience. I'm not coming from just my opinion. I've been going to meetings a long, long time uninterrupted.

OK. And I refuse to be a part of some water treatment plant for Alcoholics Anonymous, whether just pouring the water in and diluting this program

just to make other people happy as they break the traditions.

I'm not interested in that kind of sobriety today. And I know that may be a little harsh, but that's just where I'm at, you know? In other words, if you're a newcomer and you want what we have and you're willing to go through any length to get it, then you must be ready to take certain steps. And if you aren't, that is fine, but you might want to tell somebody else about it that really cares.

Because when I saw the sign we care in the meeting, I thought that sign meant we gonna take care of you and all your kids and stuff, and all you gotta do is just give us all and we gonna do your taxes for you. And everybody gets food stamps. Let's go.

We Care means we want you to take the steps. We Care means that we would like for you to get one of these books. We Care means that you would put a little something in the basket so we can pay the rent. We Care means that we need people to help us clean up after this meet. We Care does not mean that I am here to codependently assist you in not doing this work.

And I just want to put that out there.

Now you can see why I bought my Home group, huh?

Because I because I, because I bear witness to those I would help with Thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. That's my job

and I and I and I see this drift that my ego and my sloth would love to go into, you know, and there's a little place up on a hill that I like to share about

it.

We're sick. Newcomers are not allowed.

Step work is kind of a, you know, maybe

and me and my friends, we call that place Old Timerville

and you move into Old Timer. It's a gated community

where one may nap

and count their blessings all day long,

and those who don't have any will have to deal with their own life somehow, some way.

And I got

invited in the old timer Bill about two or three years ago

and I tore up the lease. I refused to sign it. I need mistakes.

I need. I need to learn from my own dishonesty. I need to ask my higher power to remove these character defects. I need to irritate a few in order to help the new. I need to really show up and have a plethora of friends who know that I'm not just up here talking hot air,

that I have people in my life that can bear witness to what I'm up here sharing tonight.

That I am an alcoholic and I may not even do this stuff right all the time, but I know I'm doing it sober,

you know? And I know I'm doing the best thing that my sponsor taught me the best I can see. Because if I was you, I wouldn't be able to do any better than you. Therefore, if you were me, you wouldn't be able to do any better than me. And that's why my own inventory is so important when I take it, you know,

So basically, I came down here to probably have you walk away thinking about some stuff.

You know, maybe I had one guy tell me, you know, you know, you need to take your own inventory.

And I said, yeah, I do. And this is what I'm finding out about it and I'm sharing it with you.

This is what I see. You know, I tell the men and women that I sponsor. I sponsor females. I sponsor man I sponsor. I'll sponsor an animal if I have to. I don't care

because Doctor Bob helped over 5000 men and women to recovery. It says so right over his story in the book, if you've read that far into it.

And I'm willing to sponsor, you know, I'm willing to be sponsored. I'm willing to make mistakes and follow my face over and get up and ask for help. I didn't know that you could start over with step one because I saw saw so many people in my early sobriety starting over with another drink. And if you're new or you have some time and you're frustrated and you're uncomfortable and you feel disconnected, it's because you are.

So join us. No, join us.

I mean, we don't really want to join you

to join us, you know, and see what happens, you know, what, what, what the struggle and the frustration of everyday life sometimes makes me want to forget the stuff that he taught me years ago. Because my ego tells me that I got this, you know, And the truth of the matter is, I don't have anything. This has me, but I don't have this,

you know, I don't have God. God's got me, so I'm not supposed to be here.

I'm supposed to be somewhere stealing from my mother and smoking cigarettes off the ground.

Talking about the government is messing me up.

I

and today I don't live like that,

you know, I try to live in the 4th dimension of it, of existence. I tried to live in a place of neutrality, you know, But if, but if I, you know, one of the things that I hate about myself sometimes is I really want everybody to like me.

Would you please like me

just for a couple of minutes, everybody, everybody just line up and like me, OK? And I'm just here to share that. That's not reality.

The minute any of you put on your clothing in the morning, somebody has an opinion about you that you probably don't even know of.

You know, my own personal inventory is so important because it keeps me from trying to figure yours out so much,

and I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm going to share a little bit about that, and then I'm going to sit down. I know everybody's dying to get out here to work this program.

No, do a We're going to get the book out and we're going to do an inventory and we're going to figure out how to make some amends. Yeah.

Are you with me? You know

some of these people looking at me like, where did he get? Where did he come?

I really am in a, a, I'm not. I really. Anyway,

I found out that love to me personally, I didn't know this. I thought love had to do with sex. I thought love had to do with a weird affection that was just misdirection. I didn't know that. And, and, and then later on in my sobriety, through working the steps, I found out that love is an action. If I love something, there's a certain behavior that I exhibit in regards to that,

and so it's really not my job to tell anybody in here how much they love a A. I'm sure after this pitch you will be thinking about it yourself.

And I love this stuff, man. You know why? Because I've really only ever loved two things, you know? Kidding. That next drink,

getting that next drink, man, I used to love that,

you know, because that that sense, you know, and the next thing that I've loved is this man, where can you go to get your own higher power?

You know, where can you go to get your own out of power with some without somebody breathing down your neck telling you you're not believing right? You know,

I love it, man. When I read that that service manual and I see where Bill was made fun of, the groups didn't want to hear him talk about the tradition. They wanted to hear about the drug along,

and he went ahead and and and and and got those traditions out there for us anyway. Thank goodness that the unpopular people don't just fade away. Thank God we have a minority opinion in Alcoholics Anonymous.

You know, thank God that the majority only rules when it's connected to God by way of these traditions.

You know, thank God they don't let arrogant loudmouth people like me mess it all up and become the president of something really stupid,

because without my sponsoring these steps in my own group, I'm a babbling idiot.

They don't let me talk like this at work.

I'm really grateful. You know, I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I love the fact that you can come in here.

The secretary was telling me he got railroad, a 12 years sober secretary in the meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. I love that. We had that happen to me in Pomona, the secretary at 26 years of survival. It's like we're not supposed. I'm personally not here to collect time sober to watch the newcomers really do it. It's like those old war movies. You men go on ahead. I'll stay back here and do nothing.

That's not what kind of sobriety I have.

You know, seeing somebody with some time around here with a commitment, it just fills me up. I love it

because that's how newcomers really learn how to do it when we're here. I was going to some meetings a few years back and they they vote a new man or woman in, and then the guy or gal who had the commitment just disappears. And a newcomer is wondering, well, I want to help, but what am I supposed to do?

And I'm just grateful that I've been able to,

to live on the other side of that stuff.

I love Alcoholics Anonymous because it reminds me of this little story. And I'll close with this. You, you have all of these things inside of this little boat. You know, your big book, your medallions, the things that you've acquired as a way of being sober,

your health, prosperity, sobriety, date, God concept. It's all in the boat like a little ark and a wave of life comes along and knocks you and everything out of the boat. What do you grab first? You grab the boat and the boat is Alcoholics Anonymous and you're either in or you're out. No matter who you are or what you think it's all about, if you're not in, you're out.

And I used to think that the relapse happened when I drank, and I got taught that that's when it's over. Bubba

relapse happens way before I take that first hit drink. Fixer pill relapse happens when I don't get a thrill out of this, when I'm sitting around waiting for the newcomer to approach me.

When I stopped going to meetings, I start arriving at them.

Relapse happens when some guy is talking about the book as best as he can

based on what he's been living through. And I sit back and go, man, you don't know what he's talking about. You don't know who I am.

That's the kind of stuff that gets me into, you know, that next drink world.

People call it the first drink. I like calling it the next drink

because once I start drinking I lose camp

so it's the next straight that'll kill me.

If you're a newcomer, I hope you find something here.

May God have mercy on your soul. I hope you find something here. You better find you better find out what we in there talking about because I've seen people who never ever, ever, ever, at least in 19 years figure that out. They come meeting after meeting, sponsor after sponsor, sobriety date after sobriety date. They work the recovery circuit

and they never really find out what we're really talking about or what we're really dealing with is sad.

And I'm just grateful that I'm on the opposite side of that.

I think I'm done. Thanks.

My name is Brad and I'm.