The 53rd ICYPAA in San Francisco, CA

I'd like to introduce our main speaker for tonight, Don C from Colorado Springs, Co.

My name is Don CI, am an alcoholic.

Well, I'm never if we're going to forget this experience.

You guys are awesome.

I remember when they first got the call. They're coming to Occupy. I thought I was coming to a tribe.

It's true. I did.

I know I was setting up your watching all of you and I was thinking

you made a wish pop in my head and I thought if icky pop could hit our young people in Indian country it would be awesome to see them like you.

To see you sober and having fun and dancing and laughing and when you stand up, you can actually feel that energy come up here. Have you noticed that? It's just like it hits you. I thought wow, what is this power these guys have is pretty awesome.

I am, my name is Don CI, am a member of the Mohican Nation, and our nation is made-up of clans.

Thank you.

And I was born for the Turtle clan on my mother's side.

That's a Ojibwe back there. No, I'm kidding.

All right.

In my Indian name is Tantanka Wambli.

You guys are. You guys are just awesome.

I have eight children. I have six daughters, two sons.

I have 17 grandchildren,

my oldest children, they were in Alatene and now thanks to you, my daughters come through Iqippa in a still are a member of that.

But I was, I was taught that when you, whenever you do this, you just share your experience, strength and hope. And so

to tell the story of what happened, what that was like and what it's like now,

it may be the best way I could explain that story is to tell a story. The story originally, I heard it from a man named Don P out of Denver.

He was one of my first sponsors and

I didn't get sober. I didn't stay sober when I first came to AAI, slipped a number of times. And one night this man, he said, there's this Indian guy speaking up in Estes Park, which is a little town outside of Colorado, outside of Denver. And

so I went up there and Don P was speaking there.

And it was one of those situations where like in our language, we have a word when someone, something connects in our in our language, we call it Natasha. And it means like when you look someone in the eye, then there's a feeling goes across that connectedness. That's what I felt from you tonight. You're all connected with this Natasha, and it's very strong.

We are all connected together. Anyway, Don P and I, we looked at one another and he got this big smile on his face. And that connectedness was there and it stayed there forever. It never, never went away, but he told a story. And in our culture, if somebody has a song and they give you that song, then you have to say where that song came from,

otherwise you lose the spirit of it. So I can't say this is my song.

So it's like this story. I have to tell you how I got this story, and I got it from Donkey, but it was a story about this boxing match and it was this arena,

and in one corner was in white trunks was alcohol. In the other corner in the black trunks was me

and we set in at arena and people started to come into the arena and fill up the seating. And of course what they do in those types of events is they put a ribbon, a reserved ribbon, and they put this reserved ribbon in the first row. And that is usually a space that is reserved for your family, so your family gets the best view.

And so my family came in and they all set right in that first row. And

there will come time to start the match in the referee, he call us both out to the center and I was looking at his alcohol and somehow right from the beginning I was attracted to it that they touched me. I was connected to it. And the referee explained her some rules. He said when you when you when you do this, he says no heading below the belt. And when I say break, break. And

this alcohol had this look on its face

and I just kept staring at this alcohol. And so we got done listening to the rules. We all agreed when sit down. And so the bell rang and we got out and we started dancing around and boxing at each other. And first round or two, that wasn't too bad. It was actually a lot of fun

and so it was our right. And so by the third round, we got out there and I don't know how it happened, but I must have ducked the wrong way. But the alcohol took a swing and it punched me right in the face and it stung.

And I looked at the alcohol and he says, oh, that was just a lucky punch. He says you can whip me.

And deep into my innermost self, I knew the alcohol. He just told me the truth. I knew I was going to be able to to win that contest. And so the next round come out, we're dancing around, boxing around. And all of a sudden he snuck a couple of punches and then stung kind of swell up my eye a little bit. And

as I had sat down there during the break, I look at the alcohol and

I was trying to figure out there was something going on with me and alcohol. And as I looked, I kind of noticed outside of my eye people started to leave, I guess because they could see what the end result of that was going to be.

And so by time we got to the next rounds, the alcohol was hitting below the belt and the referee didn't call him on, nothing punching away. My eyes were swelling shut, I was bruising. And each time my alcohol punched like that, he said you can whip me. And he had this look on his face, so convincing. And I knew I was going to be able to do that. And so

I will sit down by time around 8:00 or 9:00 or so. And I'm trying to strategize now. I'm trying to think of what my moves are going to be because I got to whip this alcohol. And as I said, they're strategizing. I was staring at him and I felt this tug of my arm and I looked down and was my son

and I said what he said. Dad is his mom, mom, sister Taya.

Just come down. Let's all go home.

Come on, he said. Come on dad, let's go home. He said. You're you're bruised up pretty bad. And I looked at him and I said, you go back and you tell your Mama

and your brothers and sisters, you just tell them one more round. I'm going to make my move in this round. I want you guys to watch.

So I got out there and by this time the alcohol is stomping and is my knees are weak and it's kicking and the referee isn't saying anything. And I was very wobbly. And so the bell rang and I come back and I sit down and I look at that alcohol and it's like he he was lip syncing, you know, like you can whip me.

Yes, I know I can, you know.

And so as I'm sitting there really thinking of what my moves are, I felt a stug of my arm and I looked down there and this time it was one of my daughters. Big tears in her eyes

and she's dead, she said. Mama says to tell you

just come down, let's all go home. But she said to tell you if you don't, we're going to leave. We're not going to watch no more.

And I looked down at her and I said, you tell your Mama and I want you kids to watch. I said I've got some Indian moves I'm going to make.

And so I got out there and to the best of my ability, I made those Indian moves and it didn't work. And I was calling on my hands and knees out there and all I could see of the alcohol was this alcohol's tenor shoes. I couldn't even raise up. And he's screaming, you could whip me, you can whip me.

I don't know for sure. The moment during that round when my family left,

but when I looked, there was number one left in that arena. There was just me in alcohol

and so I crawled out of that arena

and

I started going to Barnes and Nobles. I got me some good self help books

and I started to exercise

and I started to meditate

and I started to feel good.

Then one Saturday this idea popped in my head. I said, you know something, I know another move.

I think I'm going to go back and arena and just see if the alcohol is there. I went back there. Sure enough, the alcohol is standing in that ring, his arms on the ropes. I say alcohol, I'm back, he said. I knew you would be you just come on in here.

And this time, the alcohol. He didn't even let me in the ring,

just pounced on me as I was coming through the rings put me on my knees right away, and I was looking at his tenor shoes almost instantly. So I crawled out of the arena again.

Now, God, thinking I went to the wrong bookstore.

So I went to a different bookstore and I got some different books and I did different exercises and I was really in shape and I got thinking. I said, I think I know another Indian move. I'm going to go back and I'm going to show that alcohol, some old traditional stuff.

But I got back there and you know the story. You didn't let me in the ring,

just put me down right away.

And so on August 10th 1978, I called out at Arena and haven't back been back in there since.

All the things I had tried with the drinking, there was one thing I had not tried. I had heard some things about it, and that was a A,

and I didn't want to go to AA

that time. I was living in Colorado Springs and there's a suite there called Cajon St. and I went down there in the afternoon. I spotted where the meeting was. It was upstairs. And then those days they parked their cars diagonal. And so I didn't tell no one I was going.

So I went down, scoped it out. So about 7:45 I drove down there and

there was one parking spot right in front of the AA door.

And I said to myself, I'm gonna drive her on the block and if that slot is there, then that's a sign I'm supposed to go in there.

And so as I come around the block, that slot that was still there and everybody seemed to be parking on other darn side.

So I stopped my car at home. When you got an old beat up car, they called it a rez car, like reservation car, duct tape and all that stuff on it. We call it rescar. So I had a rest car then.

So I stopped that rescar and I thought, you know, I'm gonna drive around the block just one more time, but that slot is there. Then it's really silent, supposed to go in there. So I drove her on that block, just slow as that darn rescar would go.

Sure enough, I come around that slots empty.

So I parked in there and I went into the a A room

and I walked in that room and

they had a greeter. I think that greeter wasn't there. I wouldn't know when in because I looked in that door and I, I said, I said, Oh my God, this is all white people in here.

And his eyes back and away. This big old green would have grabbed my hand. And before I know it, I was sitting in a chair with a cup of coffee in my hand. And I couldn't figure out how to talk my way out of that.

So I sat there and I said OK, I said

I'm going to tell this way people nothing.

So I remember there's first they go around say my name so and so I'm an alcoholic whatever. And when it come to me, I say nothing. I just sat there

and they kind of waited in prison. The next guy just took over, you know, and went around a room and

I was really analyzing that meeting, I think. And there was a couple of things went on there. I, I really, I really got, I almost got resentment about sitting there watching. And one was is they were telling on themselves,

I'm, I'm self-centered and I'm self-righteous and I'm judgmental. And I thought to myself, what the hell is the matter of these guys telling on themselves like that? Where I come from, you never told nobody nothing about being weak. You didn't do that.

The second thing I got a resentment about in our first meeting was the laughter.

They just laugh like Helen there all through that meeting and there was nothing was funny as far as I was concerned.

But the third thing was in that meeting, and I didn't know it for probably a couple years, is there was a feeling in there.

I couldn't understand what that feeling was because it was coming from white people,

but whatever that was, it made me want to come back.

Whatever it was, it made me want to come back there again. And so I did.

Alcohol

made me willing.

That's what made me willing to come to a A and by time I had made those slips, I was willing to do anything. I was dying. I was just freaking dying from this. Lost everything that my grandpa told me. I was supposed to love and take girl

but I chose a bottle before them all. So one thing I knew I had to do

was to get a sponsor.

I knew that was one of the things I had to do

and there was no Indians there, so I'm going to have to ask some white guy to be my sponsor.

So I watched this one man

and he was about 6/5 or 6/6.

He actually was an attorney a sober long time. His face was all scarred up and I think he was hit with ugly stick when he was a baby. That man was ugly,

so I but he had something about him that was appealing to me. I don't know what it was

and so I wouldn't. I asked him to be my sponsor and he said after the meeting he said we're going to talk about it. So

we had this cup of coffee by then. This was in York St. in Denver.

And so we sit there and I guess he kind of had

his attorney stuff, but it's like he was sizing me up. He was, you know, they looked down and he looked up you like he's looking up and down me like this, you know, and

he will shake his head like that and his eyebrows was down, you know. And he said, I don't, I said I don't, I don't know what, what's with you Indians? He said, I've been in this 15 years. And he said you guys just don't, you don't get it. He's you guys are really, really weird. You said way in the backroom, back of the room, he said, and you never say nothing

just passed. He said that's all you ever say is just pass. And you say, I don't know. He said you, you and he was talking like this. You know, you guys are weird and you don't get it. And I don't know if you've ever had this experience when you're a little kid, your parents bought you a puppy and then you tease that puppy. You know, it's like you, you rub it in the face to try to get it to growl. You know, you just keep playing with it, keep playing with it. And then it starts to. That's why I felt he was doing to me. You know, you Indians don't get it and you leave it.

And I remember I just raised my head and I looked him in the eye and I connected with in a Kashmir high, you know, really strong. I connected him. I didn't say it out loud because it's so big, but I thought to myself, I thought you white son of a bitch, I'll show you. I will get it.

But later on I found out how wise that man was

because the only emotion that he had to work with

was my anger.

I didn't feel nothing about nothing or nobody but the anger. I had the anger. And so he just like kept me mad, on the verge of being mad. And I never liked him.

So he told me, he said he grabbed this big book, Alcoholics Anonymous, and he opened it up and he showed me how many pages was 164 pages. And he was holding those pages in his hand. And he said

I just decided right now is I'm going to be your friend for the rest of your life. He said, I don't care what you like me or not, he's got nothing to do with you. I just decided I'm gonna be your friend

Isabella Palmer's Pansy. I'm going to tell you some things. I'm not he's I'm not your banker. Don't ask me for no money. So I'm not your hotel. You can't stay at my place. I'll tell you that right now.

And he had his list of things that he said he was not. And

he said, but I will be your friend.

And then he showed me this, these pages in that big book AA and I had I seen I had read that book. That's the most boring book I ever read.

I was always looking there for these instructions you guys was talking about

but never find them.

And he said to me in this book, this is a A. And he said, if you are willing to do exactly what's in his 164 pages,

he said, you will never have to drink again.

And I tried all kinds of things, not to drink again, but to have somebody tell you that there was a way that if you did exactly this,

you never use. This program is not about slipping.

This program is about getting stober and staying sober no matter what happens in your life. That's what it will tell you how they're doing.

So he had me look at these pages. They had the 12 steps on it,

the 12 proposals, and he said before you even do the work, yes, I want you to look at each of these 12 steps and you got to come back to me and tell me the answer to two questions for each of these 12 steps. Read the step and this was the question, are you willing to go to any link to do that step?

The second thing is, do you want to do this step?

And I remember when he was explaining this to me, he was, uh,

I was always placed and he was making some lunch and he was making me a peanut butter sandwich. He knew I like peanut butter sandwiches. And he said, you know, a a is like, he's a, a is like a banquet and one ender is like steak and lobster. And then you can move down and then there's like meatloaf and down to cheeseburgers and, and I'm eating a sandwich, you know, and, and talking, he says way on, on this end. He said, well, you're set. And he said that's where they call peanut butter sobriety.

And yeah, I'm chewing this sandwich, you know,

sitting her sick as hell. You know, sponsors are, you know, they're always, at least mine. He is always tweaking on me all the time. I remember we'd be in a meeting together. And you ever have that when your sponsors trying to get your attention, you know, they're trying to connect that with that Natasha or whatever. And you, you look all, you know, you do everything you can not to have them look at you. And so finally you got to look at them because that's feeling so strong. And I look over him and he he take his tongue and he go.

We always said that peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth, you know,

because it was his belief, he said happy a they don't work no steps and they stay sober. So that's why you look you, you don't have to work steps, stay sober.

But he said if you want the steak, if you want the lobster and you're willing to go to any length, the instructions are in his 164 pages.

So then

he took a meeting scheduled in Denver and he circles 6 meetings. I had to go to the meeting every night. Big book meeting, tradition meeting, certain discussion meetings, step meeting. Sunday was my meeting of choice. And he said you go to these meetings and he said when you get in there, he said you just say your name is Don.

You tell him you're alcoholic. And then he says just shut up. Don't say nothing.

So you've taken a third step, then you can share. But before that, he says shut up. You got nothing of any value to anybody.

And so I did that. I went and I was, I knew I was talking about my life.

I talked about with her. I liver died. I I got that.

I started to understand in a book where it talks about the day will come when you have no mental defense against our first string. I know what that means. I know that one,

no matter what the loss that day comes is scary if that statement is true.

And I was doing really good and I was in that book and I was doing the work. And, um,

there was a meeting there in a place called Eagle Lodge. There was a meeting I went to and I, I, I made copy. I come and I sit down at the table and who walks in this meeting but this Indian gal?

Nice.

And she was looking at me that way.

In Indian Country, that look, we call it snagging.

She had that snagging look in her eye, I could tell.

And

why? My mind was just racing, you know? And I said, you know, you're not gonna make any progress here if you just say your name's Don the Alcoholic, and that's all you're gonna say, You're gonna have to do something. So come my term. Time is speaking, man. I was on 449, and boy, I was page 86. And I was quoting that big book in that Indian gal. Got the big old smile on her face. She knew she had a winner.

I could tell

she was looking. And we did go for coffee

and I did give her my phone number

and she took it. And so anyway, that night I was walking back to this little apartment that I had and I was walking down a sidewalk. Like that movie where John Travolta is. You know that one. I, I

and I walked in the door and I opened up the phones ringing. I said she couldn't wait. Baby couldn't wait. She wanted me,

so I pick up that phone. I'm trying to be really cool, you know? Hello.

Nor was Frank the sponsor. What the hell you're doing moving your lips?

Sponsors. I like the Internet. They're just everywhere and they hear everything. You ever notice that?

But with his cop, he started to show me the instructions. That was in a big book,

verse 43 pages. Had to do the first half of step one where I was to look at my issues around powerless or alcohol and myself. I had to read that. He made me read it 25 times. So I had to like read it, put a mark, 4 marks, draw a line through. He said, because he said what's in there, there's not much.

He was to call my mind. He said in your mind, he said you have. He said you live like an inner ghetto.

That's where you call my mind. And he said what we're trying to do is to get you to not go in there alone because every time you do, you mug yourself.

And so then we got to that. And then he showed me the instructions of page 52 of the big book was the 9 instructions for the second-half of step one concerning unmanageability. He showed me this paragraph. We were having problems with the with relationships. Then I had to take that and flip it into a question and I had to take a look at am I having issues with the relationships?

Not

them, but when I'm in the relationship, how am I acting? Do I shut up? Do I run? Do I put them down? Do I get even?

And as I went down my list of personal relationships, I couldn't see a human being in there that I wasn't manipulating or that I knew how to get along with. I didn't know how to get along with people. I wouldn't even know how to try to use them.

Couldn't control our emotional nature. So I had to take a look at my emotions. When I'm in anger, how am I acting? When I'm in self pity, how am I acting?

Begin to see I was an emotional basket case. I didn't know I I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know what that meant. And so

I had to take a look at those nine, all nine of those areas and go over that with him.

And when we got that done, then I had to take those nine areas because we explained it to me. Even though the steps, there's twelve of them, they're all interconnected with each other. They're not separate. It's a big interconnected process. And so I had to take those nine areas from step one and I had to take them to Step 2. And then I had to create

9 little mini visions. Personal relationships

came to believe that a power greater myself could restore to sanity. Then what would it look like if I was effective in relationships if the creator said this is how you could be in relationships. So I had to make 9 mini visions in each of those areas. And when I got that done, he said this vision,

this is what will be your spiritual awakening in step 12. And that's all you get, no more, no less additions to the vision that we be made in, in inventory, interfere inventory and intersex inventory.

And so I did as I was instructed and then we went on to step three. And he was a believer that every sentence in that big book was an instruction. If there was a question yet, answer the question. But I had to relate that to my experience being convinced we're at Step 3. So I had to take a look at, was I a actor? Was I manipulating people?

Did my life run on self propulsion?

So as I looked at that, but I had some problems.

The identity really discussed with him, but I had some problems with this concept of God.

I was, I was raised on a reservation. On a reservation there was. We went to the boarding schools

and

there was one church on reservation and whoever church had the missionaries and that's who did the deal, right. And so they always gave you a watermelon and clothes and food, but you always had to hear the sermon first. Then you got,

and so the parents, they would send us all to these schools, you know, and then you had to do their ceremonies, I guess. So some of them we go there and you had to learn and you, you all look at one another and you had to do this, you know, and then you're going to get the clothes and cookies and stuff like that. And that's fine. Then of course, they'd run out of money

and then

month or so no one would come in there to get everybody together. And they say, boy, you're lucky those guys aren't here because they're all going to hell. We're the ones here that's got the way for you to go. And so then pretty soon you were the next religion. But they always had something in common. You didn't get to close with the watermelon of the food till after the sermon. So then pretty soon you, you didn't do this anymore, but you had to, you know, be doing this other one.

And, you know, if you're a little Indian kid, a nun is really scary.

In those days, they wore those habits, you know, they call me habits like that. And they kept rulers up their sleeves

and they, they would try to teach you about God, concept of God, I guess. And they would say things like they say, you ever been burned with a cigarette?

Yeah. Well, when you go to hell, your whole body is going to be burning like that. Now you want to see God? Just so you bet. I do. You see, I do, you know. Or they say, you ever been thirsty?

There ain't no water in hell. Your body is gonna be blistering. There ain't no water. And so, man, you would just, well, that was a concept that God I had. And I, I didn't see God like how you taught me. It was like I had the flames of hell licking my ass, You know?

You, you, you. You bet I do.

Then of course, I come to you guys and you're saying to turn my life over to it.

So I don't think so. You know, I didn't know what you guys were. But anyway,

the way I was sponsored, he told me that what every meeting you go to, you listen from the step that you're on.

It's the only problem. You got your life stuff that you're on. I had no other problems, he used to say.

And so I'd always listen from the point of view of step three. And I remember in York Street, this guy come from California and he,

he, he told his story that allowed me to take step three and some you heard it, but I'll tell you to anyway. He said there was this pond and then this pond, there was a log and there was four frogs sitting on that log on a, on a, in a pond on that log. And he said one of those frogs made a decision to jump in the water. He said how many frogs are left

for? But I said three. He said no, no, the only difference is one of the frogs made a decision to jump in the water. But he said what the third step means is that when you make that decision, then God makes your orange frog.

So you're 3 green frogs. One made the decision to become a orange frog. And he said once you decide to come orange frog, that's it, your orange frog. And it used to give me mixed up because coming into AAI, I'd hear this stuff, you know, about the will. Well, I turned it over and I took it back and I took it back and I turned over and I turned it and turned it over and took it back. And you completely, you know, how the hell do you take a third step when you keep doing that?

But he said once you take that third step and become orange frog, then he says, let's say you did it on a Monday, then Wednesday you get all pissed off.

It's got nothing to do with the will, he says. You're just a pissed off orange frog,

duh, he said. Then what happens on Sunday? If you go get drunk,

you're a drunk orange frog.

And somehow where my mind was click, I got the third step. So I remember I went over to Frank and I was so excited. I I call him up. It's ready to take the third step And I walk in the door and I said, man, I said I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm ready. I won't take the third step. I won't become orange frog. And he just, you know, he just drives them nuts. You know about that. But anyway, we did

that night, me and that old man, we got on our knees, open up that big book and he read that third step prayer,

turned a book to me and I read that third step prayer.

Now ask him when we were dinosaurs, what's next? He reached behind his chair and he pulled out a table, a tablet, a pencil and a ruler. And by the time I left there, I had known how to write a 5 column resentment inventory, a four column fair inventory, and 11 column sex inventory.

And what he told me to do was on a topic, every page you write this prayer. God help me to be honest. God help me to remember and God give me courage to do this inventory.

And so I started writing like I was taught. One thing I didn't know what was going to come up in my first inventory was my sexual abuse.

Back on the reservation, I was sexually abused by an uncle for almost three years

and one night there was a big beer party on arrest and he got in a fight and somebody emptied a gun in his chest to kill him.

And I remember the next day when

I heard that news, I was very, very happy.

That was a secret I kept

never told nobody but it affected every area of my life, affected relationships and risk taking and made me want to run in all because of self esteem issues and nobody knew. I couldn't even feel the impact of sexual abuse is devastating. What happens is to you as I was just a little boy, but it was

there in a in a RE. I didn't know it until I got into inventory and started looking underlying causes like in relationships. I was give 2 messages.

Come on, come on, come on, go away, go away. No, no, come on, come, go away. Come on, no, no, come on, go away. I drive them crazy and they could feel the walls that I would build, especially if they got close,

I could feel them. I knew I was a wall builder. I was afraid to let them get too close. I, I in my mind, if somebody got really close, I create a plan on where I would go when they broke up.

That was my commitment.

Now, do you think that person could tell that that I was a runner? Yeah. You see, they could, but I didn't know. I didn't want to be, but I didn't know that

and so I went ahead and

I wrote that inventory

and when it was done, I knew it was good.

There was some sick stuff was in their sexual stuff,

legal stuff,

court stuff,

and I never knew how it was. I was to look at myself. I didn't know how to do that until I come to you guys

and you guys showed me

the hurt that I caused other people.

And when our inventory was done, I I went in, I 5th stepped it.

But I did a funny thing with the 5th step was I took all the dark crannies of sick shit and I kept in another piece of paper and I stuck in my pocket.

So when I got down to the fifth step to man, I 5th step with he said, is that all I see had that wasn't that bad? You know, she's not too bad. He's someone make another pot of coffee. And then he started, well, just making coffee. He started telling me about what was on his first fifth step. He was a sick mother.

He was really a sicko. And I remember he said, you sure you don't have any more? And I said, you know, I just remembered I got this,

you know,

and remember I I remember when I was taking that out, I said, I'm going to read what's on this paper. But that son bitch tells on me. I'm going to tell on him too. His sick too.

So I went ahead and I did that. Then I was taught

when it was done, I was to come home, review the proposals,

withholding nothing. Every odd step has a set of promises, but the promises, there's a condition to them. You ever notice that withholding nothing you get a cookie

with all something? No cookie.

So it's the same way that freedom in a fifth step. And I remember he said, I'll set by the phone

because someone comes up, you call me.

And when I was done, I withheld nothing. I told the creator, I told myself, I said out loud.

Some really sick stuff.

Then I started to read those promises. You can look the world in the eye.

And I started to cry. First time ever I knew what that meant. I could look the world in the eye

getting rid of those secrets. Those secrets had a power as long as I kept them a secret. As soon as you share the secret, the secret loses its power and doesn't have power over you anymore. And going and telling that. And so I did,

and I claim those promises, and then they taught me how to take the information out of the resentment, fear and sex inventory and bring that in for step six or seven steps for all interconnected with each other.

And then eventually I got into the amends. In any amends, I started to learn about forgiveness

and I learned that when I say I'm, there's a difference between say I'm sorry and there's difference between A and forgiveness. When I say I'm sorry, it means I take the responsibility for my actions,

and forgiveness is the act that I go and try to set the world right.

I learned in that process, along with the help of the elders, there's four directions of forgiveness. There's a normal forgiveness

in the South. There's forgiving the unforgivable. That one's hard

in the Westers. Forgiveness of self. That can be harder than forgiven the unforgivable. You ever just do something stupid,

then only you know it. And then in the North is the forgiveness. This is a forgiveness that you do to set up another person's spirit free. You don't have to forgive them, but you do it to allow them to go, to go on, allow them to do that. Then I got in 1011 and 12, I started to get some of the the balance. It didn't take right away.

I do go through a set of steps every year.

That's how I was taught. Not everybody has to do that. There's there's different ways that people look at it, but I was taught to go through them every year and I have done. I made 32 passes through those 12 steps.

Eventually I run into another

sponsor, his name was Johnny Looking Cloud. He was both a traditional man, he was sober around 40 years then, and why he taught me was to take the steps and put him in a circle.

Steps 123 in the east, that's like a new sun, new day. That's the direction that you find your relationship with the Creator

in the South, the steps 456. That's where you find your relationship with you.

You know your strengths, you know your weaknesses. Step 789 in the West,

that's where you go in the forgiveness direction. Like sunset, Let it go