The 53rd ICYPAA in San Francisco, CA

For our main speaker,

Jackie from Huntington Beach, CA.

Hi, I'm Jack from. I'm an alcoholic.

Thanks you guys

and thanks. Thanks, Katie. And I can't tell you how much I appreciate being asked to come here. And

it's a little, it's been hard for me a little bit just sitting here and watching. And because I think this room is such a good example of what's going on now with this disease. And we got the fog coming in off the Bay and it's cold outside. And there's people milling around, you know, and they got booze on them and they're wandering down the alleys. And inside here there's 4000 of the undead celebrating and.

And it sometimes it's hard for me because I, I have a hard time sitting in here with you because I think that I should be out there. And I work with a lot of guys that are new and, and because of that, I'm surrounded by a lot of death and, and it's real hard. In these past couple of weeks, I've lost a bunch of people.

And two weeks ago I lost my nephew to this disease and,

you know, 30 years old and, and he'd been sober before and followed that up with two more friends, one that committed suicide and another one that overdosed. And, you know, my first wife died of a drug overdose and just surrounded, surrounded by this. And

I think I got real lucky when I came in, I was surrounded by death and, and I got a real quick look at what this disease was all about because it's really hard sometimes. I mean, we're sitting in here and we got the new guys and we're happy and we're stoked and everyone's dancing, you know, and, and that I think sometimes it's real easy to forget exactly what we're dealing with and, and to sit here and to look on the stage when the new people walk up and to see the tears in their eyes and just wondering if they really understand

what they're claiming when they say they're an alcoholic.

Thanks.

I'm a, I'm a book guy.

Yeah, well,

yeah, you better wait a minute, because that used to be my response. Also,

I'm a book guy and after I've been sober for a little while, I started tearing that book apart

and, and I mean tearing it apart. I started hunting guys down and digging up history and, and I've seen history stuff that no one seen. Maybe 10 guys in the United States have seen some of these things I've seen in a I'm hunting down and I'm going word for word and I'm tearing the book apart and I'm looking up where did Bill take it from? What Oxford Group staff, What was Bob thinking listening to tapes, going through it, tearing the book apart line by line, word by word?

And then I started coming in here and I started judging you

because you guys weren't doing it right.

And I'd hear somebody stand up and share and I'd say bullshit

that's wrong. I even told a guy one time, nobody said to me, he said. He said, I go, where did you get that, champ? Where'd you come up with that?

And he goes, he goes, I got it from my sponsor, who got it from his sponsor. I go well, then your grand sponsors a fucking idiot.

So

it got sorry about that. Anyway, it got I'll tell you, it got rough. It got really rough right and then it got to the point where it was Jack party of one. That was it because you guys were wrong right. So all right, at the same time that was going on, I was seeing a Jesuit brother and I I'm not a Catholic, but I I I haunted this guy. I haunted it's a lot. I haunted down Anthony Demello and Demelo's dead and his people turned me on to

in New York and they hooked me up with a Jesuit here. So I started seeing a Jesuit and he was my spiritual advisor. That's where he was Brother Charlie. And so after tearing apart the big book, I started tearing apart the New Testament also, right. So so I'm running it down and I'm tearing the book apart and I come into brother C1 day. I say CCC and I'm all excited, man. And I go, what's the best translation of the New Testament? What's the closest? It is what's the best translation? And he looked at me and he shook his

and he said, Jack, it is such a shame that you are that hung up on the words.

Ah,

I was shocked. I was looking for an assignment. I'm saying, and, and he looked at me and he said, he goes, son, you know what I want you to do? I want you to put it down. I want you to stop. He goes, I want you to put the book down. I don't want to hear a word of scripture coming out of your mouth. I don't want to hear a line a, a coming out of your mouth. I don't want to hear anything coming out of your mouth. He goes, what I want you to do is I want you to go to the beach and I want you to take a walk. And when you start to take the walk, I want you to ask God to come with you,

to walk with you. And I want you to be quiet and I want you to listen. So I started walking and I started walking every day, and I started listening, and I started contemplating what was happening and what I was doing. And in that walk, what I realized I was doing was by tearing the big milk apart line by line, I was trying to control the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

If I could pin you down to a word, then I controlled you.

And then I had to look at the other book. I was also tearing apart, and I realized that if I could pin my God down to a line, to a phrase, to a word,

then I was also trying to control God.

What happened after that was I put the book down and I stopped. I went home and I prayed

and then picked it back up and the big book of alcoholic synonymous that I thought was so rigid, so strict and so rigid. All of a sudden, every line, every fence, every barrier in that book came apart. I started with the third step and I looked at the third step and I love that third step and I love memorizing it and I love finding out what each line means and going through it. But after looking through that third step and running through every line right after it, Bill says the wordings optional.

I'm hoping that maybe one of these people that came up and got a book on stage did their third step on stage and when they walked up they just said I just can't take it anymore.

I just can't do it anymore. Sometimes that's a third step that's much more sincere than any any memorized line.

I looked at the 4th step, all the columns all laid out and before Bill even lays out the columns, he says we were usually as definite as this example

usually does not mean always. It means usually.

And if you look in the back of the big book, you got Doctor Bob taking a guy through a four step and it's nothing like Bills at all. Doctor Bob, listen, this guy tell his story. And then he told the guy what was wrong with him, you know, and I,

which has now become my favorite four step anyway. But

so then looking through the book and going through the book, you start seeing freedom, freedom, freedom. All through the book. You see freedom. Freedom to think as we will, freedom to do as we will without anyone holding us, without anyone in governing over us, and that we walk side by side and that none of us are above anyone else in this room.

And I think one of the most beautiful parts of that whole book is Bill took the book and he summed it up in 4 lines at the end, after everything he wrote and after everything he went through, he said, you know what? Abandoned yourself to God as you understand God

and make your faults clear where the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you have and join us. That's simple and

however, there's always a however on this crap, you know what I'm saying? Bill was a scam artist and

and if you don't think Alcoholics Anonymous is a scam, while tearing the book apart, I found the scam anyway. And if you don't mind, I'll just read it to you. You guys ever seen those, those crappy car commercials on TV? You know what I mean? When they're selling stuff and they, they give you the pitch, right? Because Bill being a pitch man, right here's the pitch. Life will take on new meaning to watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish,

to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends. This is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.

Yeah,

yeah, that's great. But as the commercial rose rolls through, all of a sudden the small print comes on.

It may mean the loss of many nights sleep, greater interference with your pleasures, interruptions to your business. It may mean sharing your money in your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives in numeral trips to Belize court, sanitariums, hospital, jails and asylum. Your telephone may jangle at anytime of

your wife may sometimes say she is neglected. A drunk may smash the furniture in your home or burn a mattress. You may have to fight with him if he is violent.

See, you got to be real careful of what you're reading in here, man. Anyway,

all right, so let's just get down to it. I lived at my mother's and

I, I always lived at my mother's and, and if it was up to my mother, I would still be living at my mother's right now. I mean, every and every good criminals got a mom. You know, I'm saying I love seeing these tough guys to just get out of prison, right? It's like, hey, where you staying at, gangster? I'm over with my mom online.

It's mom, auntie or grandma. Anyway, so.

So I'm at my mom's right? And let me tell you something, the Al Anon people never got one hand on my mom. Not one.

The Blood of the Lamb was spray painted on our front door in the Al Anon's just drifted right on by.

Yeah,

they never got up in there. I mean, I had the kind of mom where I would go to jail and when I get out my mother would say they're always picking on you, sweetheart.

I'd be in the neighbors yard laying down, face down with my pants off anytime day or night. The neighbors that come over and complain and my mom go leave. Maloney's an artist

just out there and, and full insanity was going on at that house. But So what? I didn't know better. I didn't know any better, you know? And I love, I love that you brought up the young people's items.

There's frightening look, if you're brand new in here and you're just getting a court card signed because conventions are great places to get court card signs because you can basically get 30-40 signatures a day and it's all legit, man. So,

but I always warn the guys if they're brand new and they just want to get their court cards signed to get out of here, don't, don't look at the pamphlets, man. Don't, don't get up in the literature because I'll tell you why. There is some frightening literature out there. And the most frightening is the literature to the young people. I don't know if you ever read any of it, but I don't know, maybe membership drive was down in a A and they wanted to like do something. So they made some pamphlets that you cannot answer no to any question on,

right? It's like, hey, let's get a bunch of these and get him in high school, get the membership up in here. So, uh,

because one of the questions is, do you ever black out?

And

you know, I mean, it seemed like they should have thrown a little something extra on it next time. Like hey, do you ever black out and wake up in women's clothes sleeping with another dude something?

And to a lot of my friends, that is not a problem anyway. So,

and then the other one, the other one I love on there. This is my favorite. Are you lying about your drinking?

You got to be kidding me, man. I'll tell you right now, if you're not lying about your drinking, we can't help you.

That's a whole nother case. I don't even know what that is, man. I mean, look, I have a dad. My father was 30 years in the service, World War Two, Korea and Vietnam. Out of all the fights

I've ever been in, my old man is the only one that's ever kicked my ass. And do you think I was telling him the truth about my drinking?

I'd come home. My dad would be standing there like this. You go. You've been drinking. Oh,

you bet. I

'm hammered

and while you were asleep and I took two 20s out of your wallet

and I've also been upstairs getting into mom's pills

and sleeping with that little girl next door.

Are you kidding? It's like, come on, be real, man. I'm an alcoholic. I'm not an idiot, right? You know

I would come home hammered my old man. Scan. And there you go. You've been drinking. I go. No, Sir. I just got back from church.

And then he'd look at me for a minute and he'd say, why are you wet from the waist down?

Baptized,

I

always lied about my drinking and then the other ones my favorite. This is even more favorite is are you hanging with lower companions?

I'm hanging with you guys,

Sam.

God, I got Jonathan texting me dirty text messages. Why we're sitting here,

you're actually looking at a drunk that likes drunks sometimes. It's sad that it's almost a little rare around here. Sometimes you get sober and you see these drunks that now don't like drunks. Have you ever seen those? It's like the the golden ovary syndrome and AA or something. It's like all of a sudden they get sober now they're a better class of drunk somehow, you know what I mean? It's like, oh, he cusses and smells bad, you know? It's like,

I love a man, I love drums, I love the whole deal. I love the defiance.

I love the anger. I love the defiance. I love the separation from God. I love it that they come in here, destroy their lives and goes, yeah, no, you got, come on.

I just love that, you know, and how can you not love what you are? How can you not love what you came from? You know, and

but,

but I I will tell you there was one thing that they screwed up in a a they made a mistake and the mistake was that they put the traditions in the steps out in the open. That's wrong. They should never do that. They should actually made-up a briefcase guy commitment, right?

So you take all the steps and everything and you fold them up and you put them in a briefcase. You get a guy with a suit and dark glasses and he stands in the corner at the meeting like this,

and then the new guy comes in, he goes, who's that guy? You go. You don't worry about that guy. You just sit out.

I know, I know, I know. But I just wonder what that. Don't worry about that guy. You just sit down. Feel feel free to share whatever you want and just have a good time. Just come on. I know, but what about that? Don't even worry about that guy. And as a matter of fact, when the meeting starts, he's going to take that briefcase and lock it up in his trunk of his car. Let me tell you something, 15 minutes into that meeting, there'd be 20 new guys with a crowbar trying to get that briefcase out of the back.

Thanks. Stand, stand there going. I got a four step. I got four step. Look, we got books, you know? Anyway, so.

So they should have just hid this stuff a little bit, all right? Anyway, so, all right, so I'm living at my mother's house, and here's how I get here. A friend of mine gets busted on a cocaine trafficking charge and and he goes to court. And this weird phenomenon happens in court. I believe that more Alcoholics are created in court than anywhere else in the world.

It's not the first drink, it's not the local bar, it's court. Court because hundreds of thousands of us go into court every day

non alcoholic

and we get in front of judge. The judge looks at us and says, Mr. Smith, you're looking at a year sentence,

but if you're an alcoholic you could do a 90 day treatment program. An alcoholic, Sir.

All of a sudden, everybody is right. Everybody is now not. So look,

if you're brand new and Alcoholics Anonymous, don't try to get us to like you. It's not going to make a difference. It doesn't matter. Don't try to say things that will impress us because it does not matter. No matter what you say in a a, someone will disagree with you.

You can walk up here and say the oceans wet and somebody will go not, not right on the edge. It is not. No, no Sir, it's not.

Just

because I made that joke about court creating more Alcoholics and it's a joke. It's a true joke. That's why it's funny. But it's a joke, right? I, I said that at this convention one time and this guy walks up to me, is tatted from the neck down, right? He walks up, he goes, Can I talk to you, man?

I go. Yeah, what's up, bro? He goes. I did the year dog.

Well, then you're a stupid alcoholic.

So

anyway, so that's what happens with this buddy of mine, right? He goes to court. Now he's got a problem. He did not have a problem. Two weeks before that I was getting loaded with him, man. There was no problem mentioned. You know what I mean? It wasn't like, hey, I got a problem. I'm going to sit out on that last line of blow. Why don't you get that one? It it never, it never happened, right? It was like, are you cutting that even? Dude? There was no problem,

but now,

now he goes to court. So now indeed, yes, indeed, he does have a problem. So he goes to treatment and you, H and I, guys get up there and you start healing on them.

Do you get them all pumped full of the spirit and all that business, right? And they cut him loose and he comes back to Long Beach as a reformer. Now, the big book says we're not supposed to start out as reformers, but this guy did. And where's his first stop? My mother's house

stop #1 and I get this,

hey, what's up bro? He goes. You got a problem, man.

I go. What? He goes. You're an alcoholic. I got. No, I'm not. I live with my mom,

so let me tell you what was going on at Mommy's house at the time. I had warrants out for my arrest,

So what? I always have warrants out for my rest.

That's how you pay tickets.

I also had people trying to kill me, both real and imagined.

I'm one of those guys that can't stand being alone. I'm a late night phone call guy. I've had overlapping girlfriends since third grade.

I got a girl pregnant. I said move into my mom's house with me, let's have a baby, move in.

26 years old mental capabilities of a 12 year old and I'm going to be a dad. So I move her in. At the same time, I move her in, I fall in love with a girl of questionable age,

and I take her to Mexico and marry her.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what's going on at Mommy's house anyway, So and this guy's telling me I got a problem, right? And he goes, you're an alcoholic. I go, no man. No, he goes, you're an alcoholic. We're arguing back and forth. So I kind of get him away from the house a little bit. You know what I mean? I get him away from the front. I don't need my mom listen to that. So anyway, I I get him out in the front and he says come to a meeting. I go a meeting. A meeting of what?

He goes 12 step meeting. Come on down. I'm like no dude, you're the one that got popped, not me. You go

and we're arguing back and forth, back and forth, back forth. Finally I said OK, OK, OK, I'll go, dude. I'll go. I'll go. I'll go. Now I know why I said I'll go now. I said it because I'm an alcoholic and I'll say anything to get you off my back,

including I'm Jack and I'm an alcoholic.

So I got a couple of problems with Alcoholics Anonymous and it's not with AAA. I got a problem with us. A lot of times we are so quick to get the Newman and the New woman to say that they're an alcoholic that we got people claiming this illness and they have no idea what they have. None.

And have you ever been to a meeting where they go around the room and introduce themselves and somebody there in a court card? I'm Bud alcoholic. I'm June alcoholic. I'm Frank alcoholic. I'm John. I'm here on a court card. The whole room goes crazy. Johnny

Woo woo. Like, you know,

like a bunch of monkeys LED out of a cage.

And then when the meeting starts, the whole meeting is dedicated to John and his denial.

I remember when I too came in on a court card. John

I I mean, it's unbelievable. I mean, the poor guy gets popped coming out of the clubhouse one day. You know, I mean, it's not an alcoholic. He's just there. And I'll tell you what, you know what? The next time he goes to that meeting and it goes around the room. I'm Bud alcoholic. I'm June alcoholic. I'm Frank alcoholic. I'm John. And I am also an alcoholic.

Now. Does he think he's any more of an alcoholic than he was before? No, no, he just wants you to leave him alone.

Leave me alone. Get off my back. Let me get my court card signed and get the hell out of here. If you look at the big book of alcoholic synonymous and the philosophy in that book, they talk about alcoholism being a fatal illness, a fatal disease. Fatal means it's going to kill you. Stop worrying about the mole on your back.

It's the booze,

and not only is it a fatal illness, if you're reading in this stuff, it's a fatal illness that only a spiritual experience can arrest.

I mean, seriously, do you really realize how frightening that is?

I mean, could you imagine going to a doctor and you go in there and you give all your tests and you do whatever, right? And you come back three days later and you say, hey, how'd it go, man? He goes

Nope,

we mean no. Yeah, Nope.

Fatal. What?

Yeah, fatal. And I don't really believe in God, but I favor prayer in your case.

Do you know how frightening that is?

Do you know there's a story in here that says that? And it's in the front of the book. I'm not talking some hidden story in the back,

it's in the front, the doctor says. I don't even like treating people like you.

And though not a religious man, I favor prayer. In your case.

I mean, you know, frightening that is

basically if you're brand new claim in alcoholism. What you're saying is I got a gun against my head, the triggers cocked, there's a bullet in the chamber, the guns going off and only God can stop it and I don't got one. That's what you're claiming. I hear people around here sometimes and

they say I need a Nazi sponsor. I need a Nazi sponsor. First of all, please do not attach that foul word to our program. But besides that,

to the guys that say they need that kind of sponsor, I recommend you work a first step.

Because when you really realize that you have a fatal illness that probably only a spiritual experience can cure, and that the steps just might be a pathway to towards that awakening. When you really believe that, I will guarantee you you will never, ever need another man or woman to tell you to get off your ass and go to a meeting again.

You hear a lot of talking here about contraction. Contraction. Something else. It's not in the book, but contrary. Action is another word for willpower. Willpower. And in the Doctor's opinion, they talk about a shift of thinking, a shift in perception.

Yes, we start out doing contracts. We start out doing things differently than we ever did before. But sometime in your sobriety, contraction must stop. Contrary action must be come primary action. When are you going to stop calling your sponsor because you have to

and start calling because you want to? When are you going to stop going to meetings because you have to and go because you want to?

When are you going to stop working with other people so you can stay sober?

When are you going to start working with other people because you like seeing them stay sober?

So

anyway, so I tell this guy I go to a meeting and I turned around from him and we're back out in front of my momma's house. She got a swing add with me, man. So we're back out in front of my momma's house and I start to walk back into my momma's house and I have a a moment of clarity or a little spiritual awakening. And I thought, how often have I been loaded lately?

I thought every day. Shit, every day, man. I've been drinking every day. I've been drinking, smoking weed, taking pills with a little cocaine, whiffing Pam every day,

yes. Did you honestly think that Twitch I have is natural? All right, so I've been doing it every day and I woke up just a little bit.

Thank God it was only just a little bit. Could you imagine? For the people have been sober a long time. If you woke up completely your first day in a a, do you know how frightening that would be? It'd be like, yeah, we got cookie, coffee and rope for the new man.

You can hang yourself now or go one more day, whatever you want to do here, champ. It's like, because when you wake up to this

frightening and it is sickening and I don't care how long you've been loaded. I don't care how long you've been drinking. It doesn't matter. If you have the root of our illness, which is selfishness and self centeredness, then chances are you have made decisions based on self your whole life that are now coming back to haunt you. And when you wake up to that, it's sickening. And you know what? I see guys in here and they're still not awake,

sober years, still not awake.

I hear people come to meetings, say I paid for my seat here. Well, yeah, you paid for it.

Let's call your wife and ask her how much she paid for it.

Let's call your kids. Let's call your parents. Let's call anybody that ever loved you and cared for you and asked them how much they paid for your seat in Alcoholics Anonymous.

There's a great letter from Bill Wilson and Bill says we're real quick to talk about what ass kickers we are, but we're sure not as quick to talk about the damage we have done to those that love us.

My family paid dearly for my seat. My father paid for my seat with his life. I was blamed in a court case for killing my dad and it was a stress related issue, man. And it was a real drag. It was a real drag to be pointed out in court and it was a stress case. My dad had a heart attack at work and there was a a suit about it. It was supposedly work related stress and his job said it wasn't work related stress at all. It was him right there.

That's the stress that killed him.

Anyway, I woke up just enough to see what I had done, just enough to see the drinking. And I hadn't seen the damage yet. But I saw the drinking and I went to a meeting. And the first meeting I went to was the Rap Center in downtown Long Beach. And it was a kind of meeting where you push your shopping cart up out front and go inside. You know, I mean, it was one of those meetings. And, and I'll tell you how I wandered in there. I had long hair to my elbows. It hadn't been combed in a while. The first time they cut my hair, they found a Jolly Rancher sticking in the back of it.

I guess I'd passed out in a little sucker. Just slid right around into the back, you know,

but I didn't know it was in there yet. Anyway, so I also had like a work shirt on like a Dickie shirt with a lot of cigarette burn holes right here in the tit

from stand there. Like, they just rest in my smoke on there, right?

And then somebody had come up and go, dude, dude, dude, you're on fireman.

No, no, no,

you're on fire, asshole.

So this is how I wander into my first meeting, right? And my mother gives me some money for the meeting. She found out I was going right? And she goes, oh sweetheart, that's wonderful. You going to that A and a? You bet I am mom. She goes, let me give you a couple dollars for coffee. I go, Nope, I go, I need 40. They got dues down there.

Oh, yeah, yeah. And none of you have done that, I'm sure.

Hey, look, come on man, she's getting old. She needs to feel useful anyway, so

take it easy. Take it easy,

call her every day and tell her I love her anyway. So, so my mother. So I walk in the media. I'm looking like that and I walk in that meeting. I remember I walk in that first meeting. Mommy gives me some money. I walked in there warrants all that crap. I walk in that first meeting up loser.

Yep, scumbag.

Yeah, I know that dude from school,

and I'm not like you. And let me tell you why I'm not like you. Because I'm a smooth drunk,

I start drinking in the 1st place it hits me is right here on the cheeks. They just get tingly tingly right here and I start smiling. I put a couple drinks in me. I started smiling even bigger

and then a couple more drinks of me and I decide I want to wrestle you.

Couple more drinks to me and I head down the street and it's night and I see a light on so I come up and knock on the door.

Who are you? What are you doing in there?

I, I saw the light on,

I can't even tell you how many times I got arrested and the cop looked at me and said, and how are you involved in this now

anyway? I just passing by,

I felt it my duty to stop officer

anyway, so and the sad thing is, do you do you want to know what I heard in that meeting? Do you know what I heard? I heard pride. Pride. Now, I don't know if I could have heard anything else, but I heard pride.

Do you know that Alcoholics Anonymous is the only place besides prison where people try to be the worst?

Where that

you get guys in here wearing the word homeless like a badge. I was homeless.

You get guys in here wearing the word convict like a badge. I've been arrested 187 times. Dog,

go for 188.

Let me tell you real quick how damaging that is and how much it hurts us. For the guys that have been arrested all those times. We need you in here. We need you real bad, but not the way you think. We need you.

We need you in here. So when that next person walks through the door and says I've been arrested 187 times, you walk up and say me too, so was I, and you tell your story.

But who also we need in here are the people that have never been arrested one time,

not once.

So when that person walks through the door and says, but I've never been arrested, you walk up and say neither have I.

One is useful to God and our fellows. One is pride and it kills people. We are the last stop on a lot of people's blocks. There's no way we should ever send them from here. And real quick, you know, to throw a little opinion, as I like to do,

I have another letter from Bill that says AJ is made-up of plenty of opinions, all of ours. So I, I, I have, you're welcome to a copy anytime, but you know,

there's such a terrible trend in Alcoholics Anonymous that goes on nowadays. And it's this monkey see, monkey do. My sponsor, your sponsor, my sponsor said, my sponsor said, I remember this, I remember that, I remember this, I remember that. And, you know, they go through this stuff and, and it's so terrible because what they're doing is, is they're killing Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'll tell you why

real quick.

Alcoholics Anonymous is millions of experiences, not one experience, millions of different experiences. Our strength is not in our common bond. That's what holds us together. Our strength in Alcoholics Anonymous is in our individuality. That's our strength,

1,000,000, millions of different tools for anyone that walks through that door

and we look at the stories and I love, like I said, I'm a big book guy, man. I love this thing. Every Monday night, you're welcome to stop by my home. I'm there 6 to 645, shoving this book up people's asses one page at a time and enough.

And I'm a big book guy. But real quick, let me ask you this. Have you ever wondered why the 164 is so small and the back is so big? You ever wonder? It's because if you don't think you're one of us, the start of the programs worthless if you don't believe you're one of us. And how the stories keep changing as more people.

Sexual make up, you know, religious make up. All the stories start changing, change and changing to reach all those people.

So maybe one of them comes in and says, yeah, me too, man. I'm like him. I'm like him. I had an old guy hit me up one time when I was brand newly sober, and I'm sitting in a meeting and I got pajamas on and my hair is purple. And I'm hanging out in the meeting. And this old guy comes up to me, says, we need you, Jack, we need you just like you are. I go, yeah, you know, get out of here, man. Split,

You know, because I'm thinking he's teasing me.

But what he went on to say is, you know what, Jack? Some of these guys come through the door and they look at me and they say, I don't know what that old guy's talking about.

And they come in the door and they look at you in your pajamas and your purple hair and you're young. And they say I believe that. I believe it.

And I really wonder if you guys believe like the letter that Bill wrote, if you really believe how useful young people are to Alcoholics Anonymous and how many lives are saved. And the book talks about it averted death being averted by the power. And you guys reaching out to people

real quick, because I know I'm talking a little long. I went to that meeting. I diagnosed myself non alcoholic.

I'm not like you guys and I'll try to quit and I did try to quit. I tried to quit a whole bunch of times on my own. I was always stop and start and stop and start and stop and start. Come late, get a date, leave early, in, out, in, out. And and one of these times I was in and out, in and out, in and out. I got 30 days, 30 solid days, no meetings, no God, no nothing. 30 solid days. And on my 30th day, I got a job as a bartender

because I thought that'd be a good job. And on my way to work, I stopped by a friend's house to pick up some mushrooms for another friend.

I was being of service

and my buddy asked me, says how's it going, Jack? I go. It's going real good, man. I go. It's going really good. I got 30 days. Underage girls gone, they're gone. Babies gone. They moved out. I woke up one morning, they were gone. Moms doing good, Everything is good. I get a new job. Is that your bong? Bam,

cunning, baffling and powerful alcohol disguised itself as a skunk bud and hidden this guys bong.

So I reach out and I take a bond here and I came to with a bong in my mouth. Now do you know the big book talks about that? It does not say the word bong. You're not going to find that in there.

That might come in addition eight or something anyway. But but what it does say that's more frightening than that is strange mental blank spots while sober. Do you know how frightening that is? If we have a disease and our very life depends on us not sticking any alcohol in us, but we got a mind that says nobody's home, baby, nobody's home.

Do you know how frightening that is?

I have new guys. Sometimes they want to talk to me about insanity. They went to him how insane they are. They said Jack, I was so insane. I was sneaking and creeping and going down alleys with my pants down.

I hadn't slept in seven months.

I was insane,

dude. You're not insane. You're on drugs.

That's what happens when you're on drugs. I mean, God rest. Give Mother Teresa speed for two weeks, she'd start building bikes. It's got nothing to do with it,

right?

And and real quick,

if you ever get a chance to work a 12 step call, a real 12 step call. Not what we're talking about today. The stuff we read about in the book, A real 12 step call. Not just grab a guy, dump him off a detox. I'm talking about grab a guy, take him home. Maybe you're feeding him booze to get him off from the shakes. Little orange juice, some honey in the morning, keeping them going, sitting with them, going to a meeting, round the clock service, 12 step call. When you do that with some of these drunks, there are times when you have to take them to emergency, man. I mean, it gets rough guy. You got guys

going out, man. Anyway, when you take him to the hospital and they're all hammered, the doctor doesn't walk outlook at him and go, Oh yeah, bipolar, histrionic, looks like it might be a little manic depressive. He doesn't do it. He says strap that drunks asked to a Gurney and when he sobers up, we'll diagnose

when he sobers up. You don't even know you're insane until you're sober.

Insane, delusional, incapable of seeing the truth regardless of what's going on.

I was working one time and I got hit in the stomach with a metal bar and and it's not, it wasn't my it used to be my stomach. I don't even know what it is now. It's the area underneath my stomach, right that