The ACYPAA roundup in Sacramento, CA

At this time, I would like to introduce our main speaker for this morning, a great man and a great friend, Tony Kaye from Auburn.

My name is Tony. I'm an alcoholic.

Thank you.

Yeah. It's weird. I've never never been a great public speaker or never had the desire to want to be a public speaker. And like, my biggest fear always was like, I would be going to come up here and just, like, seize up. You know, I'm going to be able to say anything. And, you know, I'm honored. I'm honoured that the host committee asked me to come up here and share my experience, strength and hope

this whole weekend. I got here on Thursday night. I've been, I've been walking around and this has been an awesome, an awesome roundup for me. It's, it's, it's like I can't stop smiling and the muscles in my face hurt from smiling so damn much, you know what I mean? And it, and it, and it's been just one of those experiences for me that there's no way I could have ever had this if I'd been drinking. And,

and I sit here and I look at all these people that put this conference on and I think about all that, all the manpower and all that, all the people that had to show up and be responsible. And then I think about what I was like when I drank and I think about it's amazing that there's a least possible organization. And you see a group of young people and it's sober and Alcoholics Anonymous and they put on this event that holds, you know, close to 2000 people. And it's like organized, there's not big street fights, there's not gun battles. I mean, it's amazing. And they're carrying this message of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it just it blows me away when I think about it, you know,

it's huge and I see there's there's obviously something greater at work there because that was absolutely nothing that I desired when I walked in here. My first experience with with Acupa. I love acup occupies great. It was my first conference too, as as well as a lot of people's and the I first heard Acuba. I got sober in Colorado and I'm hanging out with a couple friends and there was one guy that was from LA and I just like to clump it together. He was probably from somewhere else, but LA, it's down there. And

is that where we're going? No,

so he, he was talking to my brother who was also. So we had about a year and a half sober. And I remember they're talking like, yeah, we're gonna go to Acupa this year, man. It's in Southern California. And I'm like, wow, that's a long ways away. Like you're, I had 90, I had 90 days over. And then like you're guaranteed to stay five years sober if you go to Acupa, though. And I was like, oh really?

You know, 'cause it just like anything, like as soon as I got to Alcoholics Anonymous or whatever, and I saw that there was these people doing this deal, I wanted to instantly be the best at it. Because, you know, if I couldn't be the best at doing what I was doing, I didn't want to do it.

So, you know, it's funny. So what we did, we loaded and we loaded up in my car because my brother didn't have a car and neither did the other guy. And they were all sober. What was up with that?

I was so I was the guy, just to kind of give you an idea of what I was like before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was the guy that was wound so tight, so anally retentive about everything that I had to know the answer to everything before I got there. I just wouldn't do it. It was just too much for me.

And so we're reloading my car and it's a badass car. I mean, it's a 61 Volkswagen bug. I mean, rust blown out. You know, we had to put, we probably bought more oil than we bought gas on the way down to LA. And, you know, and I'm driving and we're, we're like, we're driving through Nevada and there's a lot of great scenery there and we're driving and it's getting later and later and later. And we left right after work. And you know, we did the die hard drive from 5:00 after work and we drove straight through. We're gonna make it. And and I was so anal and everybody's like, hey, dude, I'll drive, man. No big deal. I'll spell you, man, You could

now I'm going to make it. I'm driving, you know, in my car, $300.00 car and I was sweating other people driving it

and, and that was, that's like, that's me. That was how I was when I drank and used, you know, I was a control freak about things. I, I was really, really uncomfortable in my own skin. I hated who I was. And for me, I held out for a long time

before taking the first drink, you know, because I looked around and I saw my family,

a lot of things that I didn't like. I saw what alcohol did to my father, you know, and I'm like, I don't want to do that, you know, I don't want that in my life. And I saw in about eighth grade, I have an older brother. He's like 15 months older than me. And I saw him, you know, in 8th grade, just like just toilet his life, you know, it was the early 90s in, in leather jacket or, you know, the, the, the Levi jacket with the patches and stuff on it, with the Metallica patch and you know, the marker, you know, and I grew up in a town of, of, of like 2000 people. And there was three people you didn't want to hang out my hang out with. And my brother was one of them. And, and I just hated it. I absolutely hated

everybody used to come to me in high school and like, oh, your brother beat up so and so, man, he's an asshole. I'm like, whatever. So I hated my brother and I hated it. I didn't like it. And and I had that straight edge mentality about I'm never going to drink, man, never going to drink. And what ended up happening is the life piled up on me, you know, at about the ripe old age of 17 and I couldn't deal with life on life's terms. And, and for me, I dealt with life on life's terms, real good, you know, up into that point,

I'm just trying to manage as good as I could. And, you know, these circumstances happened and, and I think this is what differentiates me from a normal drinkers and, and normal people. I think that other people are willing to accept help and willing to reach out and try and figure out the problem and this and that. And this problem happened to me. And no way, dude, there's no way I'm talking to anybody. I am not going to talk to any about anybody about this problem. There's no way I couldn't do it. And this was this was my first real introduction to a power greater than myself. And I truly believe there's a spot in the book

talks about we all have this fundamental idea of a power greater than ourselves. And when I got here, I didn't think I had that. I'm like, no way, dude. I'm not talking about God. And

the deal was for me is that I did have that. I remember specifically after I found out my parents were getting a divorce. And I mean, you know, we had they had a great marriage, man. Yeah. And I found out that that they were going to get a divorce. And that was that was the thing that sent me over the edge. And and I remember I hadn't taken a drink yet. And I was in, we lived right on the edge of town and there's a lot of trees. And I just remember running up into the trees and, you know, fuck you, God, you know, and I was just,

I was absolutely pissed off and I couldn't believe that this, this power was going to do this to me. And that was my, that was me cutting it off. And I was like, I'm done. And and for me, not long after that, I found my new power and it was alcohol, you know, it provided something that I couldn't even imagine. And for me, when I took that first drink, I don't, I don't for me, I'm not going to forget that first drink, man, it was magic. It was absolute magic. I had a broken arm, you know, I lost out on doing this sport that I like to do and I had

other way to to vent out all this anger and all this rage inside of me. So we went over to my buddy's house and he had a bottle of vodka and we made some screwdrivers. It's a great drink. And, you know, we just kept drinking him. And, and for me, like what happened was just like probably everybody in here, you know, that warm feeling came down my throat. It hit my stomach and, you know, my cheeks got rosy and I just like settled in, man. It was like I jumped. I dropped that huge pack of weight and it and it and I was stoked. Like here I was,

I was walking hand in hand in hand with alcohol and it was great. And

for me, you know, I was a, let's see, I was like, I, I was 119 lbs as a senior in high school. And you know, after I drank, man, I was tough. I looked tough. I could back it up now, you know, not just run at the mouth, like I'll start swinging now because this gave me the strength.

I could talk to chicks. I mean, that's important when you're 17 years old, You know, this provided like a social lubricant for me. I could actually say something and not seize up.

So yeah, that night went on and you know, I, I got to that great spot that alcohol gives you, you know, that, that it provides that effect that I love

and I'm right there and I'm like, I want to be like this forever. And then I went past that. And then I woke up the next day and my awesome broken arm, you know, it was the elbow cast and everything. I woke up leaned up against the wall and had puke running down in through the cast and, and just, yeah, Oh yeah, yeah, you're telling me, dude, I had to live with that for like 3 more weeks. And so

see over here, I'm laying in my buddy's basement and he, he's laying on his bed or whatever. I'm sitting there and I'm, and I, the first thought that comes to mind, I'm never gonna do that was absolutely, I feel like absolute shit. There's no way I'm gonna do that again. And, and I really, and I had, and for me, I had these conscious thoughts a lot of times. I could see my brother and I could see my dad and I. And I don't wanna be like, I don't wanna do that, you know? And I, and I really thought that I was gonna outsmart this stuff because I had all this knowledge of what alcohol could do to a person. I had first hand experience. I saw him go down. I saw the effects

all in my family, saw a good kid go bam, and I didn't want that. So for me, as I was doing my drinking from the very beginning, it was full throttle because I had to cut that those thoughts off. But I checked myself a lot. I checked myself a lot. There be days where I like, it'd be Thursday and I'm like, all right,

I'm not going to drink today. I'm not going to drink this week. It would start Monday. I'm like, OK, I'm not going to drink this week at all, you know, And then I would just hole up in my house and Friday would come along and like sweet, I'm all right, I'm all right. And now I go over to my buddies house and just get wasted, you know, and it was, I never really had those.

I never wanted to just socially drink. It was about come on, funny feeling, you know, I wanted to get wasted. I didn't want to, I didn't want to just have a few drinks. I've never had the desire to. So you know, like there it was. And that's exactly how it started for me. And, and it provided that, that relief that I needed because, man,

when I wake up in the morning, it's like a circus out there and the hamster starts running on the wheel and my brain just starts going, I gotta go do that. I don't know, I gotta get this done. And then, and I mean, so many thoughts running through my mind. And I think that I'm absolutely going to be able to manage all those thoughts, right? I mean, think about it enough and I'm going to figure out how to manage that stuff. And, and it just didn't. And, and, and when I take those drinks, man, it was awesome. And and I, and just like the book says, just like probably everybody's experience in here, man, it backfired on me,

you know, and it didn't take very long. I was 17 when I started

and I was 22 when I ended. And it started with alcohol and in with alcohol, you know, because I had standards, you know, because because I saw my brother doing all the other junk, you know, and everybody was bagging on him. But alcohol was socially acceptable, you know, you could drink, your friends are drinking. And that's what I did. So

yeah, I drank and slowly destroyed my life. And, you know, when I look back on it, you know, my brother would ask me this when he got sober. He would ask me this when I first got sober. He's like, well, you know, do you think your life was getting better? And when I looked at my life from 17 to 22, it wasn't like gradually getting better. I had these rad time, don't get me wrong, because you know what? I had AI had some great times doing keg stands out in the woods by a fire. I'm telling you, man, those were great, you know, and for about 15 minutes,

but you know, it just in the end, like for me, they just weren't there anymore. I had one year legal drink in it and you know, I really wanted to. And at this point I was destroyed so bad as a human being. I'd go to these clubs, right? And hey, I couldn't dance. BI had absolutely no social skills. CI moved all the way from Colorado to Sacramento, CA and had, I knew no one

and I would just go there and just kind of hang out and just wait for people to talk to me, you know,

and it never happened. I was bummed. So I stopped going to bars and, and I just drank with my friends and, and, you know, life got miserable. And for me, I was, I'd like to classify myself as a person that didn't lose everything. You know, I made it to work. I made sure I made it to work because damn it, if I make it to work, then I'm all right. You know, all these things on the outside that looked, that looked good to people or I thought looked good to people would prove to me that I didn't have a problem.

I'm different and,

and I use those to my advantage. And when I got to the point where I got to when I was 17, I forgot to tell you, when I was 17, just before I took a drink, after I was running up in the woods, I was sitting in my bedroom and I had a Winchester 3030 lever action in my mouth and I was ready to end it all, you know, and thank God for alcohol because it saved my life. Absolutely, man. I was wound and and it saved my life. It provided that effect. So I don't know what it's supposed to look like, but that's what happened for me. So here I am drinking and I get to that same point, you know, where life just come. It's just miserable, man. I can't do it anymore. And

you know, at this point, my brother has a year sober. He's in Hawaii and I remember him calling me on the phone. And after I started drinking at 17, my brother and I became best friends. He's like 15 months older than me, right. So when I, you know, when we drank, it was like a mirror. And if I'm sure there's a few people in here that met my brother and when we're standing next to each other or we're talking like, Oh my God, you guys are the same. And and you know,

when he said he was going to quit drinking, that hurt. You know, he called me up on the phone and it and he said I'm going to rehab tomorrow. I'm like, what?

Hugo to rehab? Why? He's all man. I just can't do it anymore, man. I'm torn up. I can't do it. And I'll tell you what I threw the pitch on. I'm like, dude, you are weak. You are weak. You need you. There is nothing you can't solve without. You know, you, you're a man. You know, you will figure out how to do this. And that's how it is. And I truly believe that that's how I was going to happen. You know? You know, I've rehabbed rehabs for quitters. You know, all the slogans, I threw them out there. And then I told them, I'm like, yeah, all right, I'm going to call Dad

because my dad's on my side, right? So I called my dad, you know, and my dad probably gave him the same barrage of stuff,

but he stayed sober, man. His ass was falling off bad enough. And he was willing to do what it took. And he states over in Hawaii and he asked if he could move in with me, right. And I'm, and I, I, California was great. I moved out here when I was 19 and it was awesome. And it, I'll tell you what California did for me. It accelerated me to the bottom of life really quickly. It was great. Thank you, California.

So I crawled back to Colorado and, you know, got a place to live by myself

and got a job and told everybody at work that I didn't drink. And I went home and drank and hid it from everybody. And my brother, he calls me up. He would call me up frequently. And of course, when he called, I would say, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not drinking anymore. I'm just drinking on the weekends, man. Everything's great. You know, life is good. I got a job, you know. Oh, yeah. And I was really convincing him that my life was great, you know, because I knew he knew. And he's like, dude, I didn't call for that, man. I was just calling to see how you're doing. And I hated it. I absolutely hated it. I knew he was going to. AI wanted him to start bashing me with it you know so I could tell him to stick

yes and he never did and it and it and that was attractive for me. So he ends up moving in with me and and he he would go to meetings every night, or at least I thought every night and he was the best example of a of a walking big book that I could have ever asked for and this is my brother. I hated his guts forever. And I, you know,

so we went to pick him up from the airport right when he was gonna move in with me and me and my mom went down there and,

you know, I know over years over. And we went out to dinner. And I tell you, when I first saw him, there was a different man. I saw what Alcoholics Anonymous had done to this human being. And this is a guy that couldn't go into 711 and look the clerk in the eye, you know, just to buy like pack of smokes. It was bad. He had to have somebody go with him, that kind of guy. And here he was man. It just like it talks about in the in the book, a man brimming over with confidence. You know, he took a shower, he was clean cut. You know, he opened the door for my mom. He offered to pay for lunch. I mean, I was stunned. I couldn't.

This is my brother. And for me, I absolutely, at that point, I absolutely wanted what he had. And I wondered how he got it. And I knew he didn't drink and I knew he was going to meetings. But you know what? There's no way I was going to Alcoholics Anonymous because man, I'm not that bad. So he moved in and, and we hung out and he was going to meetings And finally, you know, every night he would ask me one time he would say, going to meeting, now you want to go? And I'd be no, no, no. And then it was,

yeah, I'll go tomorrow, go tomorrow and then tomorrow would come. Now I had too much stuff to do like smoke cigarettes and drink beer. And

so he he asked me one more time and I was afraid. I'm a guy driven by fear, self-centered fear. And I was afraid that he wasn't going to ask me again. So I'm like, I got to just go. I got to go. I'll just go one time and all right, I'll go tonight. Let's go. And it was a 45 minutes drive to this meeting. And the whole time it was a gut wrenching ride. I'm like, my life is over. This is going to suck. I can't believe I'm doing this. What am I going to do? What are they going to make me do? And it was, it was

constant running of the mouth for 45 minutes. Are they going to make me stand up? Do I have to sit down? Do I have to? Do you know, I've never been to church before?

It's funny, like I had never gone to church before, but I knew about what they did in churches just to bag on it. You know, that was my mind frame and the people that go to churches and stuff. Absolutely. You know, they have a lot of a lot of things that I admire. But you know, at that point, you know, I was scared of any kind of direction other than what was going to come from my brain. And so I was just beating him to death of all these words. And finally, you know, knowing my brother's dude, just shut up. Just shut up. When you go in there, you just sit down. You don't have to say anything. They're not going to make you do anything to shut up. And I'm Are you sure? Are you sure?

You know, 'cause I had to know, you know, because I knew everything. And we got there and it was a lot like what I had imagined in my mind. You know, there's no where I got sober. There was no Wednesday night young peoples or anything like that. It was a Tuesday night basalt group and outside of Glenwood Springs. And we got there, and I think we got there right on time. And as we were walking in,

I had my hat on, you know, because it could cover up most of my face.

And I made sure that I had a tight shirt on with tattoos showing and baggy pants pulled down really far. And I tried to look really mean and tough so no one would talk to me. And man, I was, it was excruciating. It was a circle and everybody was looking at everybody. And I walked in and I had to walk through everybody. And I was just shuffling across the room and I sat down and I just stared at the floor because that was all I could do. I couldn't. I mean, I was such a beat down human being that I couldn't look people in the eye. And, and it felt to me like it was like a Chamber of Commerce meeting, you know, because these people are all happy and talking and

I hated it.

And, man, so we're sitting there and my brains just racing. Oh, what do I look on my pants pull down too tight? Can you see, you know, do I have a sit on my face with my hat down far enough? You know, just all these thoughts going through my head and they get to the point where they're like, is there anybody here for their first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, blah, blah, blah.

And in there's this feeling, you know, when you're standing on a dam or something really high and you get over the edge, you're like, oh, you know, it's like your body's gonna throw yourself over the side. That was the feeling I felt. I'm like, Oh my God, my arms gonna automatically come up or something. Dude, my head's telling my heart he's like, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. And, you know, my arm like creeps up. And I said, my name's Tony and I think I got a problem. And everybody just busted up laughing and I, I was pissed

big time. I could, I don't remember anything after that. I was just sitting there, all these people, I'm going to go out and slash tires, you know, I mean, that's the, the kind of thing that I think about. And at the end of the meeting, I'm standing there and here was another moment for me. I saw, I saw what Alcoholics Anonymous have done to another person. And I see my brother like walking up to these people and the old, old people, right? You know, older people, because I couldn't imagine talking to an old person. And he's like, hey, you know, how's it going? This is my brother and he's introducing me. And I'm just stunned at the social skills that he has. You know what I mean?

Because I had absolutely none. Social retard was me. I couldn't talk to people. And he's, you know, introducing himself. And I was like, man, that is awesome. I can't believe that. So I'm standing like right behind him and, and he's like getting sick of me. He's like, dude, just go talk to somebody, man. I'm like, all right. And I went outside and I caught this poor guy before he got to his truck and I'm like, hey, hey, can I talk to you? And this guy sat there and he's like, yeah, sure, what's going on? And I said probably like four or five words. I'm like, hey man, my life.

And I just, I just started bawling, man. And for 15 minutes probably, I was just puking at the mouth, right. And here's the awesome part about Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't know if this guy cared anything about me, but you know what? He sat there and he listened to me. He nodded his head like he gave a shit. And you know what? In the years prior to that, no one in my life did that. It was like, shut up and drink a beer or get out here, dude. You know, it was, it was nothing like people caring, you know, just that

gesture of that guy acting like he cared. It moved me, man. And I felt hope like I had never felt before it just just a guy taking time out of his day. That's it. One alcoholic talking to another. That's all it was. And there was the magic for me as a person. And

what a deal, dude, what a deal. And, you know, I ended up, I ended up drinking one more time after that meeting. I had some reservations. There was a Christmas party I really needed to attend and I couldn't imagine not being wasted. And, and after that, I, I, I don't know, I, I was like Moshe,

I made the retarded decision a couple days after Christmas that, hey, I think I'm gonna quit drinking. I didn't really decide. That was just how it happened. And, and, and I have the, it it's funny, my, my story parallels his. I had two options. My brother was going to this a, a dance and asked me Aspen, Co or I could go hang out these people in Carbondale and, and drink. And I was so broken off and such a beat down human being. I reached that point that they talked about that I can't. I couldn't go

today and I couldn't go

to the drinking and I was just beat. And and what ended up happening is, is I made the other choice. I went to the party and, and here's the beautiful part too, like there's no right or wrong way in my eyes to do Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to that party and I didn't drink. I smoked 4 packs of Camel non filtered cigarettes though

and I saw and for me what it was that I saw when I went to that party was it, It was absolute misery for me and I saw that I just couldn't do it anymore. You know, everybody had their little social circles and they were talking about me and, you know, they would laugh and I'd be like, you know,

and and that's what and that's what happened. And I remember that night I wrote a piece of paper because I saw my brother writing a lot and I figured I would do what he was doing because I had, you know, what I was doing obviously wasn't working. And I wrote down a page about why can't I do this? Like, how come I can't master this? And I and what ended up happening is I found somebody that I could relate to other than my brother because they couldn't like continue going with my brother. It's my brother. And then, you know, he would be right. And that couldn't have that,

you know, So I hooked up with this other guy. And for me, what happened is that I became willing to go to meetings and in for me like I and in for me, like I and in for me like I, I got dry and nice and dry and sober and I skateboarded, smoked cigarettes and drank coffee. I think I lost like 15 or 20 lbs when I first got sober.

I mean, that's all I did. And you know what, like the fellowship of Alcox and these old people took me to Denny's, man. And I never laughed so hard in my life sober. You know what I mean? Old people, they were busting it out. I'm like, no way, dude. I've never had this much fun. And you know, and you could smoke in Colorado in the, in the, in the restaurant. So it's great. You know, you could just smoke until you couldn't talk. And so

anyway, we I ended up latching on to this guy and here again and I like to sit in Alcoholics Anonymous today and you know, my mind likes to want to judge people and I want to judge how you're doing your deal. And it's not up to me to decide how you're going to find a power greater than yourself. And for me at 90 days sober, I reached that .1 more time while I wanted to blow my brains out. Dude, bone ass sober, dry, miserable with no solution. I'm a man with no solution

and and So what did I do? I got in a relationship,

come on, you know, and you know what, that chick kept me going to meetings, you know, because I thought, oh, wow, you know, what did I have to bring to a relationship? Absolutely nothing. You know, I couldn't even talk. So this there was a kind of a relationship there. And this this girl said, hey, do you have a sponsor? And I said no. And she pointed this guy Dave and I knew Dave. Dave, you know, he talked a great talk. And she said, you should ask Dave. He's a cool guy. And I'm like, OK,

And I went over there and asked Dave. And you know what,

she got drunk and I stayed sober. She had like two years sober, you know, like she was locked in. I thought, you know, she was one of those people that was gonna like stay sober. And for me, you know, I don't know how God's gonna work in people's lives. But you know what, like I got introduced to a sponsor that he, dude, he worked his steps and did the deal And he called my, he called my bluff. You know, he, he gave me some direction right there. He's like, alright, we're gonna meet every Monday night. Can you do that? I'm like, yeah, so you're willing to go to any links? And I'm like, yeah. And he's alright. I want you to read the 1st 164 pages. And by this time I had already read the 1st 164 pages. So in my mind, I'm like, I really don't have to do this because I've already done it. And I told him that

already read it. He's all, well, I'll do it anyway. I want you to read it again. I'm like, OK, so I went home and I read like 26 pages. And next Monday came when we met, he asked me that question. He's like, all right, did you read it? And I had a turning point. It was a huge turning point for me. I had the choice to lie like I always did. You know, I never read a book in high school. I just made it up and or, or I could tell the truth. And there was something that happened. There was some magic that happened for me. I told the truth. I said, you know what, dude? I didn't read it. And

I didn't catch on fire when I told the truth. It was nuts

because, you know, I never wanted to tell the truth. There was like some scary side on the other side. If I told the truth, I like you'd run and hide and and he didn't run and hide. He's like, well, you know what, thanks for telling the truth. I want you to, I want you to read that our first 164 pages and we'll be next Monday. And you know what I did and we started working the steps and I became willing. And for me, I took we, we, we breezed through the first three steps. We read it page for page out of the book. And this man like took, I couldn't, you know, I'm thinking back. I'm like, man, that guy just took time out of his day to sit with me and read

page for page. I couldn't even when I got here, I couldn't even imagine offering up that much attention to another human being. I'm such a selfish bastard, you know, And here he's doing that for me. What? So I became willing to write that inventory and there was another huge turning point for me. You know, I made the decisions, right? I made small decisions on the first three steps when I first got to a a admitted some defeat. But you know what? When that pencil hit the paper, I truly was turning my will in my life over to something that I honestly didn't believe in. But you know

what? It wasn't coming from me. So there was a power greater than myself that was taking care of me because it wasn't coming from my mind. And it was everything or nothing. So it was everything when I touched that pencil of the paper. And I wrote that inventory. And I'll tell you what, I look back on that inventory and I'm like, oh, my God. And you know, But that's it. Like. And he broke down this analogy to me. I work on cars, right? And he's like, so the first time we did a brake job, how'd it go? And I'm like, well, I screwed it up pretty bad. And he's like, did you finish the job? And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, what did it look like? And I said it was pretty ugly. And he said, how did the car drive? Which is fine. And I'm like, oh,

OK, I got he's like, was the same thing, man. You're not going to be an expert four step inventory guy on your first one. You're going to do it how it's laid out in the book and you're going to do it to the best of your ability. And you know what? That's what I need to do. I needed to do it to the best of my ability. I needed to dump off all that garbage. As I said, I was never going to say to any other human being and it set me free, man, I'll tell you. And I got to read my inventory. And for me, I hear a lot of people and some people don't get the magic of the inventory. I got it a couple times since I've been sober and we went up and this guy, my sponsor, lived up in the conundrum up by

it's this valley, up by Aspen, no electricity, no running water. I mean, it was wicked, dude. So I'm reading this inventory in this cabin in the mountains and I'm driving down from that man. And I absolutely did feel hand in hand with the creator man. I had dumped off this stuff that I swore I'd never tell anybody else.

And I was freed from it. And, you know, I had more hope. And I couldn't believe what was being given to me, you know, And I was stoked on it. And I continued to work the steps and continue to do them all. And, you know, after I went to Occupy, I, I got my first paid vacation sober, right? I had five days paid. And I'm like, yeah, where we going? And

I told my sponsor that I was going to go back out to California. I said, hey, I'm going to go to California. I'm going to hang out with some of my old friends,

my Jenkin friends, thinking. So Are you sure that's a good idea? No, I don't know. I got a paid vacation. I just want to travel. And he's all well, you know, there's this conference I heard about. It's going to be in Washington, DC It's Icky Paw. And I'm like, what? Yeah. And he's like, you should go. And I'm like, OK. And. And I was leaving to go to California the next day. You know, I told him, of course. I told him right at the last minute because I didn't want him to try and con me out of it. I do that with my wife a lot, too. Oh, yeah. I'm going tonight.

It's a bad habit.

So you know, here again, I traded that white bug that I went to Occupy and for a better bug at 64 and and I loaded up my car with no radio. And at this point

this was this. It was a mind altering deal. I was supposed to meet my brother in Washington, DC. He was supposed to fly over there from Hawaii and I'm driving by myself. You know where Colorado is, right? And you know where the East Coast in a bug was stupid. And of course, at about Kansas City, it started breaking down. The heads were coming off and I'm like, it's raining out there. And for me it was an amazing experience. Like I was right in the middle of six and seven and I saw not what it was like to not have any defects of character. God showed me that that weekend

I was nothing that I did. It was just an experience that I had staying sober and and I got to live a life for four days with no defects of character for some unknown reason, you know, like I was so anal about my car, you know, before, like I couldn't leave it. And if it started breaking down, I would just start getting anxiety attacks. How am I going to get it home? How high, you know, and I would never go anywhere for that matter. What knowing all that kind of stuff.

And, you know, it started breaking down. I got the tools out, man. I laid under the car and I started tightening the heads back down and I took the studs out and mangled them up so they'd stay in there. You probably don't understand that, but I'm like, I got it running and and I drove to Saint Louis and I made it in there, you know, and I had money because I, you know, I wasn't spending it all on booze. I had a paid vacation and I called my mom and I said, mom, my car is like taking a dump. What do you think I could do? And she said, well, why don't you just get a plane ticket? And I'm like, that's novel.

And so I, you know, my mom hooked it up for me. I stayed the night in that hotel and I got my bug put back together enough to know that I could make it back to Colorado. I left it at the airport.

I got a plane ticket and I flew. And here's the it's it was magic for me. I got to the airport, right, and they got there early in the morning 'cause I had to check out and my flight was until like 6:00 on Friday night

and the, and I got checked in. I'm like, well, I'll just check in. And the lady's like, oh, do you want to fly right now? I mean, we've got a flight open right now. You know, if you run down, if you make it down there, you can go. And I'm like, OK, And you know, I don't like anything changing at the last minute. I got to know how it's going to go down. So like this was a big step for me. I'm like, oh, OK, I'll try that.

And I started walking, man. I started walking and they got down to the checkout deal and everybody was on the plane. I just handed the ticket and walked right on. I mean, it was magic. Have you ever done that at the airport? I've never done that. The airport

flew there and I and I had no car and I got to the airport and I've never been to Washington, DC before. And she knew. Icky pause. Pretty big there

and what happens is there was people from the conference and I didn't know that and I got a shuttle and I rode with all these people and here's what happened for me. I got to that conference and I was still like not Mr. Social Guy and I and I walked in and it was just like that. I mean it was Friday night, right? It's deep. There's tons of people running around and, and I walked through the doors and I was just like,

whoa. And I walked around and I found like the farthest couch I could find and I went over and I sat down on that couch and I got scared. I'm like, I can't do this. I can't do it.