The Last Dance with Mary Jane meeting in Silverlake, CA

My name is Robert Alva. I'm marijuana addict. Thanks for asking me to speak. I really appreciate it. You know, it's been a while since I've been here.

Welcome to newcomers. You know, it takes so much courage to say I'm a newcomer. It's actually stand up and even hug somebody. You know, that takes a lot of courage. And I just want to welcome you guys to Marijuana Anonymous pretty quick.

You know, I grew up in a place where there was a lot of Mexican American. I'm Chicano, but I look white,

so I kind of used that to my advantage. My first gateway, which we all think that marijuana is the gateway. My first gateway drug was fantasy and I'd like to pretend and be in this fantasy world. And because I looked white and I had red hair,

I would pretend that I was Australian.

And you know, where I grew up, everybody had brown skin, brown hair, black hair. I'm the only dude with red hair and white skin. So any kid that came in, I would pretend I was Australian to them with the accent and everything and like, oh, hey, maybe get a new kid, Tony. I just like totally pretend I was us giants of this guy. And

a lot of times they found out pretty quick, you know, But there was this one friend that was really good friend of mine

and I told him that, you know, I'm going to take him to Australia on a family trip. You see, my family, Australian family, we went and we were we went to Australia every year. We were a tight knit family. Everything was good there. There was no alcohol, there's no yelling. There was a great family love atmosphere. You see, this is what I wanted. This is a fantasy and I would play it and I would pretend

this for a long time.

And one day, you know, his dad called my dad. And if you ever listen to my dad, my dad sounds like Cheech Marin, you know? So all I know is I was in the room and I just hear my dad go

Australian now we're Mexican. And I knew that the jig was up. I knew that, you know, when when I see this kid again, he'd go, hey, you know what happened? You know, And I just said, hey, the joke's on you. I was the favorite little cousin, the biggest little cousin. So I used to go upstairs to all the adults were during all the holidays

and I was the kid that used to roll joints. I was the kid that used to take out the trash. I'd take out the bottles and I would bring my little cousin little roaches and little bits of beer and alcohol. And I just thought that was normal. I just grew up thinking it was normal. I thought growing up at the racetrack was normal. You know, I thought that my uncle's been in a fight was normal.

My grandma, my grandpa, I mean, the whole family was just dysfunctional.

But I found refuge in smoking pot and drinking, you know,

I felt good. It made me feel good. Made me feel like everything's all right. But everything was not all right. You know, as I got into high school, I picked up another thing that's kind of on the border of fantasy, and it was called graffiti art. And I became this person, this, this guy, you know, and I, and I figured that if I got around and wrote my name all over town,

that people would notice me. People would know me.

You know, I would climb freeway signs, I would cross freeways. I, I, you know, smoke weed everywhere, You know, on the RT DS, I'd get on top of the RT DS and I would ride, you know, I smoke weed on freeway signs. I smoke weed on the side of the street. You know, I'd walk to Pico and, and, and Hoover and get little dime bags. I would do this for a long time

and it felt like this emptiness. And I became a pretty prolific graffiti writer where a lot of people did know me and made me feel good. So I had marijuana making me feel good and I had this this popularity of being a graffiti rider. But you know what? Something was missing.

I felt like there was something missing. There's like a void, you know? I didn't know what it was, but what I thought would be a good solution if I dumped all my girlfriends and married the actual one that loved me the most. And that's what I did, and we got married and I had two kids,

and I found out that that really didn't fix the void.

Smoking marijuana did fix it,

right? So I I just told

her that I never really loved her. And we left and I found another girl and we became tight together and we we had this lot of things in common like smoking weed, taking ecstasy, doing masculine, a lot of different things, acid and we had two kids together. And then there was a little void with her too.

I went to jail when I came back out and she was there for me, but I didn't really care.

So we were gone. I met another girl and we had four kids together. Are you guys keeping up with this? I had three, three babies, Mamas and eight kids and I'm thinking I still fill this void. What? What the heck is going on,

you know? And one day, the Department of Children and Family Services knocks on my door. And I thought they were at the wrong house, but no, they found the right house and they sent me to the happiest place on earth called Family Court. And I had to start getting tested. I had to go to an outpatient place

just for marijuana. Just for marijuana.

But I can drink though. The referee said I can drink, but some tell me that I probably shouldn't drink if I wasn't a good idea. So I didn't drink either. My sobriety date is 9903 and they gave me this court card and it's really, it's the biggest court card that MA ever saw. I still hold the record and I had to go to a lot of different meetings. And you know what? When I walked through the door and I seen all your happy faces,

they made me puke.

And I hated that you guys wanted to hug me. I hated your colorful templates, your books,

your preambles, your 12 steps, your 12th tradition, your speaker. Man, he was full of shit. All the ship takers, they were a bunch of liars. I go, how? How can this guy have 30 days? No way, no way. He's lying. And that's how it really came into the room.

And you know, you guys would say the last 10 minutes for the newcomers or those with the burning desired share. Why I raised left my hand because I had a lot to say. And you know what I said? I said despicable things and and I really cussed everybody out and I just said you guys are a bunch of losers. Look at you. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm just trying to get my kids back. And as soon as I get my kids back, I'm out of here.

And I'm thinking I really chaired you guys a new one.

But you guys, all you did was just clap

and then at the meeting you would say, come here with. So give me a give me a hug.

You know, I don't want to hug you guys. I'm like thinking, why is it someone want to hug me?

You see all the records that I had, I didn't think I had see. I wanted the white ticket fence just like all you guys. I wanted the good light just like you guys. I wanted to tighten it family just like you guys. But I found refuge in being this other guy,

smoking marijuana, drinking, doing ecstasy, acid, Mesquite, Venus, graffiti guy, being good at my job. See, it had different names. People call me different things everywhere I went

and program. I came in as whisker. At work I was Redman, you know, and graffiti world I was with at home I was asshole. I had a logic for me. I was dad, you know, best rounds of little neighborhood. I had a name there too. I had all these different names,

and you know what? I was all those different people. So I did your little program and you guys had these great corny things, like one day at a time,

you know? Don't quit until the miracle happens. You know,

we had so many. I mean, I can go on and on.

And someone told me, you know what's going to it's not enough that you're doing this for your kids. And I go, what do you mean? I got very angry. So now if you want to stay clean and sober, you're going to have to find a reason

to do this program for yourself. I go, well, I don't. I don't, I don't want to do this for myself. But you know, me being a very smart guy, I went home saying, what if all these idiots are right? Should I actually find a reason to do this program for myself? What would that reason be,

Right. So do you guys say the last 10 minutes? And I, I kept on sharing and I kept on saying, ha ha. Didn't find the reason yet. Program's not working. Didn't find the reason yet. Oh yeah. I'm still trying to find that reason to do this for myself. I mocked you guys. I would make fun of you guys. And when you guys are talking in the back of my head, I start making fun of you.

I started finding all the differences, like that guy's hair is fucked up. I hate the red socks, you know, like just, you know, just all kinds of stuff

I would find. I wouldn't try to find anything that was common.

I wouldn't try to do it. And my sponsor said, you know what? One day you're going to have something called a spiritual awakening. And that made me vomit. I was like a spiritual awakening. Come on, you got to be kidding me. Do you talk to the whisker man? You got to drink something real. Don't play all that program bullshit to me. I can't do it. You got to give me something I can really hold on to. So I kept on sharing.

So then finally reason. Yeah. Dangers across addiction. Haha. What a big lie. He took 12 years. Yeah. Right. Oh, Hope Chip. Yeah. Thank you, dude. Hope Chip.

Oh man, I can't wait to make it 12 years, you know, I just didn't have it. And then one day

this guy said, hey, good for you, Whisker. I go. What you talking about? Yeah, ma'am, you remember you've been sharing that you've been looking for this reason or do this program for yourself. Well, you finally found it. You were sharing about it tonight. And I said, what did I say? What did I say that was really serious? Like, what did I say? And he said, remember when he said that you want to be a product of your goals in life and not a product of your shit?

That's a good reason to do this for yourself. And man, I got this like it still even happened. I got this like tingling feeling hairstyle raising up and I drove down Zelzah. I knew some was different. I knew something was happening. So I called my sponsor, you know, the big pushover guy that just I bullshitted all this time. And I said he had dude, wait a minute. I feel something. I feel like

he's like, well, just slow down what happened? And I told him what happened

at home. I was on Siler Road and fellow Tingly and he goes Whisker, I think you're having a spiritual and I said don't see it,

he said. Yeah, man, you're having a spiritual awakening,

I said. I got to go and I hung up on him.

And after I hung up on him,

years and years and years and years and years and years,

emotion, years and years and void and years and void and death and destruction and everything came out and I just started crying my eyes out.

I really did have a spiritual awakening and being on Zelda and get out of the hills and just crying my eyes out. I go, oh man, I can't believe it. I'm having this thing they're talking about that it's, I couldn't explain it. I just went home and went to sleep still at the court where I went to the meeting the next day. And you guys

passed me a basket around getting my $2.00 every meeting Isis bill my court card into that basket like if I had Boston. Damn.

And the next day after that spiritual awakening, I

put my court card in the basket and I said thank you. I don't know to this day who I said thank you to. It wasn't higher power, it wasn't God, it wasn't you guys. It wasn't anything. I just, it just came out. Thank you.

And everything was different then.

Everything was different. You guys started sharing. And I go, whoa, that's interesting.

That dude's deep.

You know what? I felt like hugging people. I started hugging people and I called my sponsor again. He's like, hey, what happened? I go, hey, man, I got I got tell you something.

That's all. What's wrong with this guy? And I said, I got to be honest with you. I got to share something with you. He's like, what happened, man? You smoke. He went out like what happened last night. You sounded good. I said no, man, no, I'm I am good. I'm still playing sober, but I've been totally bullshitting you.

He's, I know,

I go, hey, can we start the steps over again? He's not sure.

And we started the steps over again. And I did it with, I did the way because I want everything to be right. I want to do it perfect, you know? And you guys told me that there's no right or wrong way, you just have to be thorough. You guys started teaching me these new words.

Words like honesty

and hope and faith and courage, integrity, willingness, humility, love and forgiveness,

justice, perseverance, spiritual awareness and service. And all those words didn't mean nothing to me. Those were a bunch of words that were like for people that went to war,

presidents, guardians, angels.

Those are not my type of words. You guys started teaching me these words,

you know, and then I started developing sometimes and I started learning about what this program is really about. And people would tell me, wow, let's go. You're still around. I'll be like, damn, Ryan still around. And I started taking pride in gathering this time and being a service. And I really started thinking, you know, what's this program all really about? You know, what are my sponsors trying to teach me? What these sponsors trying to teach? Responses.

What are these sponsors trying to learn?

You know, the big look, the 12 steps,

it's all these words that I just rattled off that we're trying to learn, that the sponsors are trying to convey to the sponsors as the sponsors are trying to learn themselves. Sometimes we go through these 12 steps and we're not learning words.

Yeah, yeah. We're doing the writing and we're crying and we're sharing and we're doing all this stuff and we're going to the camp out and, you know,

Unity Day and I'm really getting it, man. But you know what the bottom line is, if we don't learn these 12 concepts with 12 steps of Marijuana Anonymous, then we're really not learning about ourselves. And that's all this program is really about. It's just learning about myself,

putting these 12 concepts into my system and actually doing it every single day.

You know what life's like for me now. Eight kids. It was my son's birthday. He turned 11. I have a birthday every month basically with eight kids. And it was so awesome to pick him up and, and have all the eight kids together. And I was taking pictures and being president of their lives. Daddy, you know this Madam Dad, girlfriend and I need a car and you know, I need my body. Like, you know, there's, they're all different ages from 19 to three years old. So I'm hearing all these requests

and I'm being present for that. That's what life's like now. You know, my day job, I slang solar panels. I do the, I actually print books and those graffiti thing. Now I did something with that. And it was all because I learned about myself. I incorporated honesty, hope, faith, courage, integrity, willingness, humility,

love and forgiveness, right

justice, perseverance, spiritual awareness and service into my life. And you know my whole filter in my head. You know what it really is? It's that stupid serenity prayer

it is. Everything comes into my ear and if I can change it,

then I ask for the courage to change it. If I can't change it, I ask God for some serenity and I also ask Him for the difference.

That's my filter when you talk blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, right? How I hear it is OK?

Can I change this?

They give me the courage. If I can't change it, then give me some serenity and really teach me how to know the difference. That could be a homemade in itself, couldn't it? The Serenity Prayer

they really could. And the 12 steps could be their own meeting. The 12 traditions for extra credit can be its own meeting. The 12 concepts for extra credit can be its own meaning. But this is what it is, guys. Newcomers.

People with time, we have the same problem, you know, So what? You have a day, So what? I almost had seven years. We wake up with the same problem,

right, Whisker? Do you still need to go to meetings? Yeah, I do. Why? Because you know what? There's something that someone can get if I share that maybe might not really resonate with them immediately, but as time goes on,

still remember something that maybe one of us said and they'll go. You know what? That's it right there.

And I'll learn about myself and you'll learn about yourself and we'll try to help each other. And this is all this program is all about. Learning and teaching,

learning and passing along. Learning and giving a hug. Learning and coming to meetings. Learning about ourselves and being what we always wanted deep down inside, right? To be that good person. Thanks for letting me share.