The Truro Roundup in Truro, Nova Scotia, Canada

Welcome, welcome, welcome. My name is Chris Framer. I'm a very grateful recovered alcoholic.

Honored to be

honored to be here.

That sounds like my knees.

Oh my God,

I never, I never intended to get this old.

I, I am honored to be here. I, you know, y'all hear every speaker, they say the same thing. But I mean, this has been a cool thing. We got a chance to come in a little early and got a chance to spend some time with my, with my brother and from the podium, which is always fun for us to do. And I got to tell you, it used to be back a gazillion years ago when we speak, we it was you could a couple $100 that get you anywhere, you know, you could travel around and and the tickets and of course the expenses have just gotten so high. And I know it anybody in this room that

contributed and and you know, spent their hard earned time and money to get us here. Thank you so much

for doing it. That's been the honor. Who would ever have a chance to come see this part of the world? What a great chance this was And, and to eat that fish. That was pretty good fish. And I don't know we're going to have a chance to to pay you back in international A a conferences in San Antonio. I live down there next year in the in July in the heat of the summer and y'all can come down and have heat strokes on us and this is good.

Whoever arranged the rain this weekend, I want to thank from the bottom of my heart because we just stood out there like this and says, God Dang, it's just rained.

We don't see it in Texas right now. We're in the middle of a big old drought. So this is just it's been a hoot to to be here and and hospitality is great. Mark picked us up and and I somebody else picked up Myers. It doesn't matter, but

I think he's taking us back to the airport in the morning, so I guess it does matter. Thank you. Thank you. It's just an honor, guys and I don't know great hospitality, y'all. Y'all outdid yourself, and that's what this is about. I think I,

I got to give you my little 10 second disclaimer because I sure want to some of y'all were at the workshop that we did this morning and and had an opportunity to spend a little time with us. And you kind of know where I come from. Something I've heard CDs of mine. I I've been sober about 21 years and been speaking from the podiums Dang near that that long. And those little CDs travel everywhere and I was like, you pick them up and you either like them or you hate them, I guess. But I want to tell you, I want to share some of my experience this this evening with you for an hour. And I want to talk to you about my, my trekked Alcoholics Anonymous

and what happened to me. And I'm going to share my experience. And it absolutely could be different than your experience. And, and if, and if that's the case, then so be it. I'm for it's just like Meyer said last night, I'm not here to argue with anybody. Bless your hearts. If, if, if, if you came to AA and you've been going to meetings every day since you've been sober and you're still sober and you've never worked a step, you don't even own a big book and you're happy Joyce and free. Rock on. How cool is that?

Try not to say anything in meetings and kill somebody you know they're

Yeah, I know he died twice guys. I know he died getting the Alcoholics Anonymous. And once I got here, I nearly died again. And I, I worked in a treatment center. I, I do clerical work for a big hospital down in Texas and we treat a lot of people. We treat about 1012 hundred people a year. And, and, and I get to see a lot of cats, Alcoholics and drug addicts alike come through that hospital. And, and I got to tell you guys their faces when they walk into that place and realize it's a 12 step based hospital, they are pissed.

Everybody, you know, sticks their head in the sand, think that everybody's happy in a, a land. And I got to tell you, there's a lot of people out there that don't like us and don't believe it'll work. Of course, when you talk to him and you ask him some specific questions, like, did you ever work the 12 steps? No, then shut up. Let's maybe we could have a new experience. And I guarantee there's people sitting in this room that have been around for years and years have never worked the steps. Rock on. I, I'm, I'm saying it again, and I'm not trying to be sarcastic,

you see. Yeah, I am. Listen,

no, I, if, if somebody wants, if somebody comes to our fellowship and they really don't want to stay sober and they don't work the steps, that's their right. If somebody really wants to stay sober and we don't tell them about the steps, shame on us. And that's what happened to me for seven years and Alcoholics Anonymous and everybody wants to take exception with that. They don't do it here. They wait till I get home and they e-mail me. I pass out the business cards and they e-mail me. You know, I think surely that in seven years of going to meetings that you just didn't want to stay sober.

And I think you're arguing with my experience and you can't do that. I'm not up here to lie to you. I'm telling you what happened to me, the little the little one I got. So let's move on. We think it's we think that the alcoholic knows what to the questions to ask you come here and and and we love on your little neck and we say the Lord's Prayer and we slap you on the ass on the way out and say keep coming back, keep coming back. You know it works if you work it. But we didn't tell him what to work.

We didn't tell him Why do we want you to keep coming back? If meetings treated alcoholism, we would have a much better success rate.

Meetings don't treat alcoholism.

I'm not knocking meetings, but we have a thing called a fellowship and we have a thing called a program. And you combine the two things, what we've been doing here out there drinking coffee, way too much coffee and we and having a good time and laughing and joking and went over and ate some great sandwiches yesterday and got to visit. This is the fellowship and it's the absolute coolest. But the fellowship alone, if you happen to be the real alcoholic that Bill Wilson's talking about won't get you sober. It can it can keep you sober for a while. We can just sit on your for for long enough to keep you dry for

period of time, but eventually what happens is the pain of not drinking one stupid long boring day at a time will finally reach up and grab you in the butt and you will drink. Guys, alcoholism and drug addiction both are the same in this one area. It's fatal and it's progressive alcoholism. You got to have this physical craving means I can't guarantee you how much I'm going to drink this time. I'm just going to drink one

and

it's my intention to do that, but I can't just drink one because when I do, the craving kicks in. And now sometimes, sometimes I can. That was what was so frustrating about it when I got a A because you're telling I I can't relate to this every time you drink because I'm a functioning alcoholic and there's many times that I set out to drink two or three drinks and drank two or three drinks.

What the book says is that this craving ever kick in to follow. Did it did ever get away from you and you ended up drinking more than you intended. You couple that craving that physical that ever everybody understands that you little Alcoholics need to not drink because when you drink, the craving kicks in and you're off to the races. But what they don't understand is I've also got a mental insanity. I'm crazy around alcohol, the insanity of the first drink because of the way I'm wired genetically. I can't guarantee you that I won't change my mind

downstream

weeks over six months, over two years sober and decide I hear it all the time. I decided to take a drink. No, you didn't. You got caught in that middle blank spot and your head said it would be OK for you to drink even though you had 1000 examples to show you shouldn't. I'm on probation, I'm going to go to jail, but I drink. You're fixing to get lose the kids to Child Protective Services, but you drink. You're going to tell me these people chose to drink?

This is what makes this fatal, folks. You can't rationalize it around it. You got too many people and Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm telling you from the podium

thinking that this is some kind of self help program. It's not Bill Wilson and Doctor Bob, you know, these first cats that got together, they, they busted their butt for about four years to write this book. The collective wisdom of a whole bunch of people dying and, and 12 step work and trying to figure out what worked and didn't work. And they put it all down in the thing called a big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. So what? So we could set it on the counter and set coffee on it and talk about our days. That's what drives me crazy.

I'd like to give you a quick story the

and I think it'll put it in perspective. I'm coming back from

I don't someplace over in the on the West Coast Seattle or something was early morning. You know how you get on planes in the first one on it's freezing in there and 1st flat out and I'm sitting down and my prayers when I fly is is not that we don't crash because I know God's got me. I mean, if we crash, we crash. That's just the nature of the beast. I ain't going to feel anything but but my prayer is it that there won't be any little kids sitting next to me. You'll follow. I don't have a problem with little kids except that they they have a problem with me. And I get them since this Pirates of the Caribbean crap came out.

Yeah. See, I know you. I know you feel my pain when I'm saying we we got the little the little beggars all lathered up with his pirate stuff. Now all of a sudden, you know, you can't get near one without this hour, this pirate stuff. And I yeah, you can laugh, but you don't have to put up with it. But drives me nuts. And I'm, I'm sitting there and I don't have any little kids and I don't know what to do. Where do you put the damn batteries and how do you take them out other than that? And I, I

please God Blade, I got an iPod years ago. I won one. And so, I mean, that's, it's God's gift, Chris Rayner and I, I can zone out. I'm reading the book and an iPod. And I'm telling you, I'm sitting here in a seat and a little guy sitting, this little guy sits down and I can't, I didn't see him.

I didn't hear him. I smelled him, You know, the little kid, you know, oh, man, seven years old little skinny guy, just like I was when I was a kid like that. And I smiled and he looked up and didn't smile. You know, I, I freaked him out. And, and, and so he's just kind of sitting there and he's looking really uncomfortable and the winds blow the air conditioners on like that. He's freezing his butt off and he's looking around because he doesn't know what's going on. I says, buddy, you want me to turn that air off? And he looks up and he just, he says,

could you and I turn the air off? We got started flying anyway. The the the flight attendant comes by in a big, you know, some peanuts and some orange juice and, and I'm reading and listening and noticing in my little head that he's watching me.

He's not really actually watching me. He's watching my peanuts in my orange juice. You follow freaking me out like, and I'm watching this, you'll realize I'm saying I can't see out of this eye at all. You guys could be naked and I wouldn't know it.

Well, maybe I would

naked it on fire and I'm this little geese and I'm gonna he's got my curiosity down and I'm like work. I'm looking at him and he's looking at my drink. I said little buddy, do you want orange juice and some peanuts because he's looking on cunt. When I said he says he got that little look and he said yes, but he says I don't have any money.

Yeah,

listen, I don't like you little guy, but I'm going to take care of you. I'm. My heart melted. Kids get under my skin line. And I mean, I tell you, I got the flight attendants jumping. He had a pile of potatoes big enough to choke a horse. And and we got just everything that he needed. Orange juice. You want one like this? And I got the little big grin on his face. My new best friend. You'll understand,

this is exactly like Alcoholics Anonymous. This is exactly what happened to me. I'm seven years in Alcoholics Anonymous and I don't have a clue what you people are about. All you got is a bunch of stupid one liners. Did he say that from the podium

Half truths taken out of context and a whole bunch of of of war stories and and I and I don't understand this. I want to know if I can get up in the morning ever in my life and not want to take a drink.

But we're not going to talk about that because we're too busy trying to fix your relationship again.

See, we assume that the little newcomer knows what to ask. And when they're uncomfortable and they don't, they just sit there and nod their head and smile, just like I did. Listen to one more war story of yours. Oh, how fascinating to hear about your DWI

1

more time.

And then one day I just sit out in the parking lot in my truck and I can't get out and I can't come back in because I ain't going to sit there one more time and listen to that stuff again.

And I go out and I drink and I come back and of course it's my fault.

Well, you just didn't want it bad enough.

Excuse me, did anybody ever tell me how to get sober? Didn't even know what a big book was. Now listen, I'm preaching to the choir. I talked to a bunch of y'all this week and a lot of you guys are doing the work and though some of your fidgeted in your seats right now. I'm going to tell you something folks. Worldwide a as in trouble. Worldwide people are not staying sober. Worldwide people that had long term sobriety are losing that sobriety and coming back into treatment. Man, I've been at that hospital 16 years. We used to didn't see anybody

long term sobriety come back in there. Now all of a sudden I bet 1/4 of our patients in there had 10 plus years of sobriety and have lost it. Why? Because the people simply stopped doing the work out of the Big Book, stopped working with others. They got sick again. This thing called a spiritual malady, guys, is as real as it can be. And if you're an alcoholic, you you, you're going to have this spiritual malady. That's what brings me back to the drink. Big Book talks about it on a cup but doesn't pages, but especially in the doctor's opinion

on page 52 it talks about irritable, restless and discontent. How many of y'all can get down with this when I'm not drinking you with us? I'm I'm I'm a couple of weeks sober and I'm a I'm a two week wonder guys. I've done it 1000 times. Oh my gosh, I can stop on a dime. Good looking girl. Like I was just fixing to quit

'cause I can quit, I can detox quick and I'm and I'm done. And two days later, hot damn, I feel great. I'm at the gym again. I've signed up for another health club. You know that I'm never going to pay off. Oh my gosh,

I've cleaned the apartment, I've done everything. I've got the call you with us. Oh I should have done this years ago. This sobriety is the bomb you follow. Tick tick, tick. Further away I get from that last drink the more uncomfortable in my skin. Y'all understand?

Two weeks out, I'm irritable, restless and discontent and the depression starting to creep back in and the anxiety, the tension, I'm a little little jumpy, a little quick, you know what I'm saying?

Boredom, anxious. I'm starting to have trouble in personal relationships. Myers was talking about it so beautifully last night when he talked about having this, you know, stuff at home. And I'm list a little little cranky with everybody around me and I you'll know the how to explain this. You know, the expression like being hyper vigilant. It's like all of a sudden you're just like waiting for the next big shoe to drop and bust you in the head, you know, because something's fixing to happen. This internal discomfort, folks, is why we drink.

Nobody wants to talk about it today. What we're doing now is that's why we're seeing so many people relapse. They're going to the doctors for pills to treat that. I don't know what's wrong, doc. I'm 16 years sober and and I'm so depressed. Oh, you're suffering from clinical depression? Here's another pill. Or could it be that you're suffering from untreated alcoholism?

You think not drinking treats alcoholism? It doesn't.

Alcohol treats alcoholism, you know. Get your little mind around that one. This is not the problem, this is the solution.

That's why it gets crazy when I hear somebody in a meeting say just don't drink and go to meetings and everything is going to be OK. If you happen to be a moderate drinker, it will be because alcohol is your problem. If you happen to be a hard drinker, it will be because alcohol is your problem. If you happen to be the real alcoholic, you ain't going to live because alcohol is not your problem, it's the solution, and you're going to come unclean at the seams.

That's why we got to recover. Bill Wilson paints this picture that you could recover from the seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. How cool is this? So that the obsession goes away and the depression lifts and you get taken to a completely different place. That's called the spiritual experience.

Everybody wants to make fun of it. Everybody wants to poo poo it or don't talk about God. You might scare the newcomer off. Oh my gosh,

we give him all these mixed messages. It just it just absolutely slays me. Let me tell you what happened to me. I'm a professional chef and went through my apprenticeship in Houston, TX and it was pretty good. I wasn't worth a put at school, but I was, I was excellent at this at the food business and and was pretty talented and started making a little money was hard at jobs that that a little skinny guy from Texas shouldn't have been hired at. And it was, I was, I was, I was was pretty cool for a while.

And I'm drinking with the chefs and everything's OK. You know how when you first start drinking, everything is good? You know, every, every time you drink, it's a party. If you drink long enough, it'll still be a party, but there's going to be some consequences to pay. And if you drink long enough, it'll just get to be a pain in the butt. That's what the book talks about. You're going to reach a point where you can't imagine life living with it and you can't imagine life living without it. Because it's the only thing that makes me feel OK inside. There was an old kid and I went out on

out on the Guadalupe River and laid up against one of those big old 700 year old Cypress trees and cracked a bottle of Boones Farm apple wine. And they have that in Canada.

It's good. It's like Hummingbird juice. All it is, is it's just, it's just real sweet. They'll get you really, really, really, really, really dumb. But we, we, we, that's what we did. We laid up against this side of this so old Cypress tree and, and I put a pole and he put a pole and, and he didn't like it. And I put another one and he took another one, spit it out. And he says, man, this is screwed. I'm not going to do. And I said, let me get this straight. You don't want any more of this is what you're telling me. And he said, no, I'm done with that. And I finished that little bottle. I didn't get drunk,

I didn't get out of control, I didn't black out, didn't wet my pants, didn't do anything goofy.

Me. I walked 1/4 mile back to my little house on Goat Creek Rd., comfortable in my skin for the first time in my young life.

If I found the answer,

I was never comfortable in my skin.

I,

I had a long period where the drinking worked just like that with me and allowed me to succeed in that business. Is it is, is I got older and the disease continue to progress. It got less and less likely that it was going to work and the cravings would kick in and I would end up drinking way too much. And I come into work all hungover and it started to affect my career. And there were even drunk European chefs that were notorious Alcoholics that were pulling me into their office and, and giving me the talk. You know, it's like, buddy, you got to great future with

in this hotel, but you're going to have to reel this drinking back in because you're, you're freaking us out. And, and they were my mentors for heaven sakes. And, and I would stop for short periods of time and then I would start it again right before you fired me, I would quit. And that's the way I stayed ahead of it. And I changed careers and I changed jobs in the mid 70s. I started seeing counselors and therapists for this because this depression was kicking my butt at a sooner at a point the alcohol will stop working. And it's just, and it that's what it was doing with me. And I'm drinking to stay alive. I'm drinking

get well, but it's not I'm not it's not doing what it used to do. So the council's of course are trying to take care of this business and giving me the stuff I need and and every other one or giving me another diagnosis. I was talking to some of you this today about the diagnosis and I'm not knocking any of that, but my problem was not bipolar disorder. It was.

Alcoholism. It doesn't sound quite as good. My problem of clinical depression was not it was alcoholism,

detention deficit disorder, borderline schizophrenia. I mean, whatever. I mean the diagnosis does your and we're still doing it out there trying to treat the symptoms of the problem underlying was alcoholism. So I'm taking these medications, I'm taking 7 pills a day and I leave Houston. I go up to North Texas to be closer to Myers than them and I'm working in a, in a, in a, in a Country Club up there. Turns out the Country Club Guys is a alcoholic drug dealer and that wasn't a really a match

in heaven, you know? And

I get drunk and really, really off the page and my wife decides that she didn't want to be married to someone like me. And she packs her stuff and goes back to to Houston. And I move in with my brother. Of course, thank God for family or I'd have been on the street. And I continue to drink for five more years and some crazy stuff started happen. But by the time I started moving with him, I started going to Alcoholics Anonymous on a regular basis to try to get, well, the problem again is that I'm getting mixed messages. I'm going in and of course, everybody's so damn nice. You know,

there's not a lack of love in our fellowships and I'm grateful for that. And Chris, sit down and get you a cup of coffee and you know, and here's go around the room and we'll start talking and everybody sharing their little stories and, and but I'm getting conflicting information you with me. This guy over here says, buddy, what we need to do is get you a big book and start doing you the steps so that you can recover. And this guy over here is nodding his head like that says no, go like this. Don't listen to that.

You'll follow. I'm lit. I can see it like it was yesterday. You don't need to do that. All you need to do is 90 meetings in 90 days right now and everything's going to be OK

90 minutes and 90 days. I can see on the steps back over there, you got this little four step stuff, little inventory and some amends and 90 meetings and 90 days. I can do that. I don't need to do that step stuff. He told me I didn't. You'll follow. But I'm the Real McCoy, folks, and I can't stay sober. Going to a meeting. Oh my God, and I'm relapsing and I'm coming back and I'm relapsing. I'm coming back and I'm telling you I'm going to stay sober. I mean it. And I think I got the power to do that. I think when I screw up all of my energy and all of my willpower

that I can stop. When I told that woman on her way out, I'll stop. I promise you I wasn't blowing smoke. You are families. I know we've got some family members sitting in here. They they don't believe that. But I'm here to tell you. I wish there was something I could say to let them know that when we told them we were going to quit, we meant it. We weren't blowing smoke up anybody's butt. When I told that judge that I wasn't going to drink anymore, I wasn't lying. I meant it. With everything in me, I didn't have the power to pull it off.

Everybody's talking about alcoholism and drug addiction as as, as as a as a disease.

Chris, you're an alcoholic. You have a disease. That's why you can't stay sober. And yet we talk about it like it's a behavioral problem.

Will stop going to places where they serve alcohol well. I work in a place they serve alcohol well. How bad do you want to stay sober? You need to quit. Why? The restaurant didn't get me drunk. I got me drunk. You all understand where I'm at. Oh my gosh, this is what we're trying to do. I made some innuendos today about that stupid living sober book if you need. You guys have got it. I'm telling you, it'll confuse the daylights. Don't give it to a newcomer.

If you give them that, don't give them the big book because it'll just confuse them. Oh my gosh, I hate that book. I hope somebody in New York hears this I Hate Living Sober book.

We've tried for years to get them to stop publishing it, but they they they won't. So there you go.

I

in,

I'm in and out for seven years. I can't, I can't stay sober. I picked up more desired chips and you can shake a stick at I was talking to some people today that it had a bunch of relapses like that. You know, at a certain point you just lose hope. You know, if you start thinking it's just you and you can't, you can't do it. And and

let me back up a second. Don't get the idea that anybody in there is trying to hurt me. I mean, every person in alcohol is anonymous. Every person from was bending over backwards to try to help me. The problem is, is they, they tried to,

they tried to simplify it to such a point that it won't work.

I used to be a cyclist and I bought a bike when I first got sober. And some of my heroes in the program were big bicyclists. And, and that we went to all, to the bike shop together and they, and they said we're going to fit you out in a bicycle. And so I got a bike and, and the guy that was selling me the, the, the bike, he looked at me and I looked like a little bird. I'm a little skinny guy and all the guys I'm with are these big beefy, you know,

studs. I don't want to tell you they're all just great guys, but they're they're all bigger than me. And so, and I'm sitting there, little skinny guy and I've got those little stretch pants on looking really uncomfortable. And he said, buddy, I'm going to do you a favor. I'm going to change your gear ratio around. So give you some different gears than them because it'll be easier for you to to push. And I just thought, you know, that's such a great idea. Thank you for being that considerate. You'll follow was a death warrant to me. What they did was they changed the gears and I'm out there trying to keep up with these guys and they're pushing bigger gears. And it's not that I'm not

is hard is that I don't have the gears to do it. You with us in an attempt to make it easier for me. They they they guarantee that I won't get strong. The guy wasn't trying to hurt me. He was trying to help me.

When you got a newcomer in the meeting and you tell them to keep coming back and just go to meetings, you're trying to help.

You're not,

because if he's the real alcoholic, he's going to die.

In 1987

I'm still taking 7 pills a day. I am not well,

kidney damage and liver damage, that's a fact. And I'm puking blood from the alcohol I'm drinking and I'm working for my brother. Thank God I've got a job and a little apartment that my sister-in-law Co signed for me so I could get in. I'm accredited chef. I can make 6 figures, but

we do what we did. And I come home one afternoon about 4:00 and overcast like it was yesterday out kind of drizzly. And I picked up a 12 pack of beer and went up to my apartment and grabbed the mail. And it was a stack of return checks in the mail and Oh my gosh. And I knew that I'd done some damage. And I looked and the rent check had balanced and some personal checks to some people bounced. And here I was again, 35 years old. And I've bankrupted another checking account and I'm so sick of this.

I My father was a wonderful man. He was an alcoholic, but he raised a good kid and I am not.

I am not that kid.

Become something that I don't like and I'm not

I I was sitting on the floor because I didn't have any furniture. I'll never forget. And I got up and fed the ferrets, had a couple little ferrets and I fed them big old sack full of food and went to the medicine cabinet, took a couple of bottles of pills down and tried to commit suicide. I, I'm a close family, guys. Lots of love in that family. There was no, there's no nothing romantic about this, you know, goodbye for me. I just, I didn't want to feel this way anymore. I have let the world down so many times it's not even funny. And the biggest person I'm letting down is me

because I really want to be different. I just don't know how

I stood in front of that medicine cabinet and swallowed those pills down about the time they hit my stomach. I heard a voice that night that said don't do this. Go back to a a not arguing with his voice. I don't know what where the voice was wasn't in my head. It was a voice that said don't do this. Go back to AAI. Don't want to go back to a a nice people. I don't want to go back. I've talked about everything under the sun in those meetings and, and it's, it's obvious that you can't help me.

I did make myself sick and I lay down the bed the next morning. I got a doctor and I got some doggie Downers and I started detoxing. And it's 6:00 that night. I walked in the back door of an, a, a meeting. Somebody said it last night. I think it was the little Aladdin on speaker. You know the seeds that we sow

you know, and this guy did it worked with us in the book binder where Myers Myers owned had 12 stepped me three years earlier. He'd sat down. They used to laugh at me. I'd I'd be in there shake at 7:00 in the morning shaking so bad, you know and my eyes would get on the PA and can't you know attention cancel all Chris Raymer's surgeries today. He's not seen up to it. You know, because I'm shaking so bad. It was just a big joke to watch me spin on a spit until I could get to lunch and get some alcohol in me. And this guy 12 step, he, he'd been sober in a a for a few years. And he said, Chris, anytime you want to go to

meeting where they talk about solution, go to this meeting down here on Main Street. And he and he made a point saying that it was a nest of big book thumpers. And I, I made a mental note. Do not go to this meeting because it's a nest of big numbers. And and so y'all know how that goes. But it's 6:00. It's 6:00 and I'm detoxing. I feel like like hell and I it's on the way home. So I stop instead of going up to this other meeting where I know I can, I can, you know, troll for a date, maybe get a little sympathy. You know, I love that new newcomers are the most important person here. You know,

just sit here and let us wait on you hand and foot. Oh my gosh. And that wasn't going to happen at this meeting. I knew, but I went there anyway and I walked in the back door and sure enough, it was just like what Myers described the other night and everybody six or seven cigarettes hanging out of their mouth and they're laughing. I just having the best old time. And they all had big books on their lap and I was so self-conscious. I mean, I just I knew they were laughing at me. And I'm checking my zipper, making sure, you know, patch is always crooked. You know, it's like it's that's that was always the big joke. Chris, is that an earmuff or an iPad?

There was always a little skewed, you know, and I had a big full beard like Myers and, and it was always had, you know, some form of food in it, you know, and it was,

and I'm not bathing, I'm not feeling clean. I don't have a money for clothes. And I'm wearing the same stuff over and over. And I'm just, I'm, I'm not a very good specimen. And I walk it in there laughing and I says, I just can't do this and says, you know, and my head says, you know, you can come back on Sunday when you feel better.

Just like always. I've got an excuse why I don't need to do what I'm supposed to do. Everybody wants to get sober, guys, right up until the time you ask them to do something they don't want to do. Have you ever noticed that it's just or the first time somebody says no, then I'm then you're pissed and I'm going to do it my way. Now you know

you're not going to get sober your way. Well, to just get clear on that, that damn it, the books tells us we're going to do some things we don't want to do. But I started to walk back and I and I stepped back to turn around and I stepped on a little girl foot. I was a little 19 year old girl that got between me and the door. She wasn't there on accident carrying a cup of coffee buddies. She positioned herself right between me and the door and hooked her finger in my belt loop and said sit down cowboy,

you'll see how God worked. If it had been Mark, I'd have whooped his ass and left

or died trying. You with us? No, no. Bye. Bye. Bye now. But this was this, this young girl that set me down, and this was no oh, hey, baby. This was like I just took my breath away. What are you doing? She wasn't off in some little young adult meeting talking about young adult things. She was in mainstream AA, doing what she was supposed to be doing. A servant being a servant. Oh, my gosh, I want to cry every time I think about it. She set me down in a chair and got me a cup of coffee and everybody got me a bunch of paper towels to clean up the stuff. They'd seen me in North Texas for years. It wasn't like they didn't know who I was. They knew who I was.

Welcome, Chris. Welcome back, Buddy and the chairperson, Listen to this. This is a good part.

The chairperson is going to find it so hard to believe. Took charge of the meeting.

I want to puke. We got a newcomer in here, you know, and he says we got a newcomer. Why don't we share some hope with Chris? You look kind of banged up. Why don't we talk about how our lives have changed as a result of working the steps? That wasn't the exact format of the meeting that night, but he knew what he needed to be done. And they, I said, this ought to be good.

Those people went around the room guys. And I'm going to tell you there was 40 people in that room and his long shotgun and everybody was smoking. And they went around the room and they only shared one thing with me. They only shared one thing and that was hope. Not one person told me about their stupid DWI. Not one person tried to scare me in the rooms with some, some, some frightful thing that's going to happen if I don't stop. They talked about getting their credit cards back. They talked about getting jobs and, and, and getting promotions and having kids and, and, and doing some cool artwork. They talked about the cool stuff that you could do as a result of work

12 steps as a result of didn't, didn't mince any words about a spiritual experience. Not as a result of coming to 90 meetings in 90 days as a result of work in the 12 steps. This is what's happened in our lives. Oh my gosh,

I hear people from the podium all. I don't remember my first meeting. I remember that meeting

took my breath away for the first time. A roomful of people started to do with the big book asked him to do. They started pulling me with a vision of how cool life could be in sobriety. I got people in here rolling their eyes now. Well, it's not all about that. Yes, it is. It's not about not drinking one day at a time. It's about having a cool life, about recovering.

This guy came up after the meeting. He said, Chris, are you done? You picked up a desired chip. But I got to ask you because the book asked me to ask you, are you done? And after some conversation about what one day at a time meant, I said yes. They said, we're going to show you how to do this. We're going to show you how to have a changed life.

The next day they were on my doorstep knocking. Somebody followed me home that night to make sure I made it OK. Somebody went out of their way to follow me home to make sure I was OK. And the next day, that same kid was on my doorstep making sure I was back at the 10:00 meeting because they knew I wouldn't coming back. You'll follow. I was going to make another excuse why I couldn't come back. Maybe Sunday I'll come here with us. Knocked on the door. They dragged me back up there like that. Nice. I was OK. I went to the meeting and it was another cool meeting. We talked about some miracles. It was a pretty cool thing. People say why you

a should be a pep rally. Yes, I, I do our meetings are I'm sorry that your formats don't allow that. Our meetings don't allow the other kind of meetings to take place. Oh my gosh. So it was a pep rally and I said, man, this is the coolest we got in the backroom. They said, Chris, you got a problem with God. I said absolutely not. Guys, I used to eat out of dumpsters in Houston, TX. I knew there was a God or I would have died.

As I'm fighting the cat for my chicken, I can assure you, I I knew that there was a power watching out for me.

I didn't have a problem and we didn't sit there and say, well, go read these two chapters and let's make a list of what you think God looks. They said, do you have a problem with God? No, Let's get on our knees and do a third step prayer where we're going to ask God to be our our director and our our father. And then that God's going to remove the difficulties to show you and so that you can come back in and help us carry the message of hope. How does that sound? That sounds like a great idea. We got on our knees and did a third step prayer, went and got lunch, came back. They gave me a notebook, says let's start working on that old four step.