The 40th North Shore Roundup in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

Hi everybody, my name is Larsen. I'm a very, very grateful member of Al Anon and I want to thank Ann very much for the invitation to come and the Al Anon committee and the AAA committee. We've had an absolutely wonderful time. I love Canada, I think it's just beautiful here and and I especially like gazing at the North Shore across there. It's just absolutely spectacular and non inspiring. And and then I want to take thank Sharon who met us at the airport. She's been an absolutely wonderful Hostess. I would like to take her home with us because she's got a way of watching my husband when I'm not.

So it's kind of like the double team coverage thing. Works for me really well and

I want to wish you all happy. Easter Sunday morning is not my usual gig at these things. You know, I'm the Allen on speaker. That means Saturday, 10:00 or 2:00 usually during the golf tournament. And

it's just the way it goes sometimes, you know, sometimes it's a little bit difficult being the Alanon speaker at an AA conference. It's kind of like being the corpse at an Irish wake.

No one expects you to say much, but they can't have the party without you, you know. So

anyway, it's a it's a real privilege to get to be here. Happy 40th, you know, anniversary. That's remarkable. I mean, and I know that, you know, this conference sits on the shoulders, you know, of people that obviously have a great love for this fellowship. You know, that that this legacy keeps getting passed on and passed on, especially to the new people that are walking in. And it's a real pleasure to get to be a part of your anniversary. Thank you for having me.

All your speakers have been fabulous. I've really enjoyed them very much. You know, they say a good roundup is like a good orgy. When it's all over, you can't remember who it was. The major feel good. So

and, and I think, you know, to me, that's really what the program is all about. You know,

you come home from a meeting and you feel good, you know, and you can't really say who it was that made you feel that way, but there's it again. That's the fellowship and the love, you know, and that legacy stuff that that is here in these rooms and, and obviously, you know, was, is alive and well here at at your roundup. I'm just going to tell you a little bit about what it was like, what happened and what it's like for me today. I'm the oldest of four kids. My dad's a master Sergeant in the Army

that made me like have automatic rank when I was born. It just, it's just who I am. It's what I do. My husband jokes that I came out of the womb carrying a clipboard wearing an armband. He's not too far off the mark. That's just, that's who I am. It's how I was raised. And, and, you know, when I came down and on, I thought Al Anon was all about, oh, you got to change everything about you, you know, and, and what I've really learned about Al Anon is Al Anon wants you to embrace who you are, you know, to your own self, be true. And, and somewhere in the family disease of alcoholism, I got all lost

that. But what I do know is I am who I am and I don't have to change who I am. It's when it's, you know, how I like to do things and who I am. And I try and force that behavior on people that aren't, you know, wired the same way that I am. That's what I've learned in this program. It's live and let live. I get to embrace who I am. I also get to embrace who you are. And, but anyway, I grew up in this, this house. My dad is a master Sergeant in the Army. My dad's an alcoholic. I don't know that

as a kid. How do you know that? You know, my dad drank every day. My dad got drunk every day. To me, that is absolutely normal behavior.

That's just what I grew up in. We lived with other military families and other military housing. Lots of dads were drunk. Lots of moms walked around with broken arms and black eyes. That's just the way it went. This is in the 50s and 60s. Nobody ever said or did anything about it. To me, that was just perfectly normal behavior. When I was really new in Al Anon, and even still today, I went to lots of open meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. If you're new in the Fellowship, I cannot recommend that you go to as many open meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous as you can. It says in our Al Anon literature that we should do

we should learn all we can about the disease of alcoholism. And I don't know better place to learn that than in open meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I remember being at this one of these first aid speaker meetings and the a speaker that evening, he talked exclusively about alcoholism, the family disease. And he described alcoholism in the home as having a rhinoceros in your living room. But everybody pretends it's a coffee table. And, and if I have to describe in a nutshell, the house that I grew up in, that's pretty much it. Because in, in my house,

you know, my dad's the master Sergeant and, and he's a pretty terrifying person. And, and he's a mean drunk. There's, he's just a mean drunk. And he's, he was a mean guy when he wasn't drunk, but he was even meaner when he was drunk. And, but I used to wonder why someone would go to all the trouble to marry somebody and have kids just to make him feel like a piece of crap. But, you know, again, family disease of alcoholism. But anyway, he, you know, my mom would get where, you know, so we never spoke in our house. You know, if you grow up in an alcoholic home, one of the first things that goes out the window is any kind of verbal commun

whatsoever. And at least that was the case in our house. And so my mom would tell where my dad was ready to have one of his alcoholic explosions. But of course, she could never say to us kids, OK, nobody do anything, your dad is going to blow because then my dad would hear her and my dad would blow. So. So when we're sitting at the dinner table, my mom would speak to us facially. And if you grew up in an alcoholic home, you know, when you're sitting at the table and your mom, like,

I mean, you know, I see people know what that means. You know, I mean, just right away, it's just OK Look down. Nobody talk. Nobody speak. Try even not to breathe if you can, you know, But if you have an alcoholic that's going to explode, nothing is going to stop that from happening. There be some minor infraction or violation. You know, somebody'd pee would roll off their plate or, you know, a knife would scrape a plate. It doesn't take much. It doesn't take much. And my dad would go ballistic. Dinner would go flying, dishes would be broken. Everybody gets a beating. Everybody's off to bed. 5:00 The kids got to go to bed. My mom, the dog,

just the way it goes down in our house, you know, and then the next morning you get up because you have to go to school that morning and you get up the nerve to creep down the hallway and go into the kitchen. And there's my dad at the breakfast table having his breakfast beer. And, and it's, you know,

nobody says, Gee whiz, what was that about Dad last night? Gee whiz, Dad, how come you had to break everything? How come you had to hit everybody? You know, nobody says a thing because you just hope today will be different. And the rhinoceros goes back to being a coffee table again, you know, And it's just pretty much that way day after day after day. And that's just the house that I grew up in. And, you know, and it's just, it's a, it's a crazy home. It's just a crazy home. I have to tell you, my dad, my dad died from the disease of alcoholism. He died when he was 55 years

old. He died the debt that they talked about in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, tonal insanity and death. And I can't even tell you the last words my father said to me. They were so vile and so vulgar, I wouldn't even begin to repeat them from this podium. But what I know today is that those were the final words that the family disease of alcoholism said to me, you know, because my dad was so engulfed, you know, in this in this disease. And, and he died a really horrible death. And, and when he died, you know, my mom had since divorced him. And so all the responsibility of his care had fallen

is the oldest child. And I remember the doctors coming out to me. My sisters are sitting there and telling us that, you know, that my dad has died. You know, I'd like to tell you it was this big sad family thing. Not at all. My sisters and I were like, Ding Dong, the witch is dead, you know, and I again, I don't I'm not saying this because I'm proud of it, because this is where the family disease of alcohol is and takes your family, you know, and and, and in reality, what we all really felt was that like this reign of terror was finally over. You know, this this big bad guy that we always going to kill us and blow us up

and do all this stuff. And, you know, he was just gone and now, you know, we could finally have this this peaceful life. And and and it's really important for me to share this part of my story with you because especially if there's any new people in all Anon here and you're thinking about killing the alcoholic. You know, if that really worked, we would just have Alan on meetings in the prison system and

and we would be happy, right? I mean, if that if that is what would really fix it. But what I got to learn from that experience was because, you know, when my dad died at 55, I had just started coming to Al Anon. My dad died in October of 1981 and I had started in Al Anon in June of 1981. So June, July, August, September, October, four months. I wasn't even close to the loving and kind portion of this program by any stretch of the imagination.

And but in and what I what I got to find from that is, is that, you know, even after my dad was gone and I thought that this, you know, all this was over.

You know, what happened was the alcoholic died. The family disease of alcoholism was alive and living very, very well in me. Don't need an alcoholic for that. I, you know, that had already picked up on all of that. And I and I didn't have that realization with just four months of Al Anon and I had a lot of resentments towards my dad. My dad had a lot of issues with having girl children. He didn't want girl children. He made it very clear to us that we were not wanted people. And, and again, a lot of misinformation is what I know that I learned from, from this person who was so heavily affected by the

of alcoholism. But, but because you always just the things that happened, you didn't seem to matter, you know, even though he was gone, I would think about these things and it would make me really angry and really irritable and really discontent and, and I don't know how you are, but when I'm just in a hissy, pissy mood, I just love to take that home and share it with my family and the people that I love the most. It's just another gift that I got. And, and that is not what I wanted to have happening. So I did a lot of work in this program right out of the gate about my dad. I did all the writing. I did all this Deb work. I work with my

I did everything she told me to do and it didn't seem to matter. Whenever I would think of some of those particular episodes that happened, I would get all angry and hurt again and all the things that come with that. And then I remember one time talking with her and she said, Larsen, you know, you've done everything I've asked you to do about your dad. You know, as far as the writing and the step work and stuff, she goes. But you know, Al Anon isn't about the problem. We all know the problem. Al Anon is about a solution and we need to find a solution for you. So I'm going to give you an assignment and you're not going to like it. And she always told me I wasn't going to like it because I never did, because I think assignments

just so childish. I mean, they're just an assignments Gonna fix this one, huh? You know, but but one thing I learned right out of the gate when I first got down, and don't ask me why, I'm just going to say it was God's grace, you know, is, is that I heard right out of the gate about willingness. You have to have some willingness because how can anything change if you don't have any willingness to do anything different? And for whatever reason that did rent is it, you know, I, I picked up something on that. So I've always been willing, not much, but I've always had some willingness. And so I was always willing to do whatever

she asked me to do, you know, whether I did it right or whatever. But I did have the willingness. And, and so I went home and I don't know how long it took a week or two weeks. And I remembered that my dad taught me how to drive. It was a very insignificant thing. But again, the family disease of alcoholism ever doesn't ever want you to see anything good that's going on in your life. Anyway, That's what the whole family disease of alcoholism is about. It's just staying in the muck and the, the darkness, you know, and the, and the, and the hurt. And so anyway, but you know, like I say, it took a couple of weeks and then he taught me how to drive. I didn't think it was much,

didn't think she would be pleased with it. But if you have a sponsor like I have a sponsor, you know, now I, and I'm not, you know, my sponsors are tough in many, many ways, but they are supportive as well as tough as they are, they are equally supportive, you know, and and, you know, and I don't care what I do in this program, you know, my sponsor is always thrilled, just thrilled that I made the attempt. And so, you know, when I have any kind of answer for her, you think I come up with a cure for cancer. I mean, she was thrilled when I said, yeah, I thought of something good my dad did. She was like beside herself,

you know, what you know and what I know about, you know, And if you don't have a sponsor, you know, I cannot recommend enough. You know how wonderful it is to have a sponsor. They are like your own personal routine section. You know, they want you to do good because it makes them look good. OK. So I mean, it's a win, win all the way around. All right? You know, there is, you know, no sponsor wants you to look bad. Trust me. And

so anyway, so then when I said, OK, you know, my dad taught me how to drive, I thought, well, like I say, she isn't going to like that at all. Oh, that was wonderful, fabulous, fabulous. She was just thrilled because this is another thing I learned early on about sponsors too. When you get an assignment, they tell you the first part, then there's always a Part B Okay, so Justin, there's always this Part B. So and then and now I got Part 2 of my assignment. Now, Part 2 of my assignment is whenever I thought about those things that my dad had done and said to me, you know, that I was to replace all that negative stuff

with this positive thing that he taught me how to drive. And, you know, it wasn't too long after that that I came up with the second thing my dad had done that was good for me. And the third thing that my dad had done that was good for me. And and again, like I say, the family disease of alcoholism never wanted me to see those things. And I'm here to tell you the circumstances of my life haven't changed because my sponsor gave me some weenie assignment and I had this like horrific childhood with a dad that was physically and verbally abusive and that, you know, and now I got this assignment and now I did it and

everything's just okey dokey. You know, what happened to me is my sponsor gave me a very, very precious, precious gift that day. She gave me the gift of forgiveness. And never underestimate the power of it. You know, it says in our al Anon literature that forgiveness is no favor. We do it for nobody but ourselves. You know, when I was able to forgive my dad and move on with my life, you know, then I wasn't living in that pain and anger and that merry go round, you know, wasn't going on in my house because as my sponsor liked to explain it to me, you know, you're not going to be a kid again. You know, those things that happened,

you know you're not going to get those opportunities back. But what you keep doing is you keep giving up the life that you're living right now for something that you cannot change. You know, there's a serenity prayer about that, that I have to accept the things I cannot change and get on with my life. And she says, and I don't think your dad would want you to be living in all of that pain anymore. He died, you know, he died with all of his children hating him. How much do you want to punish somebody? You know, so I'm able to let that go and I'm able to accept the fact that my dad didn't want to die with his children hating him, didn't want to die doing the things that he had done.

But he was a full blown alcoholic in the untreated disease of alcoholism. He didn't get the opportunity that's been afforded to me. And I'm so, so very, very grateful for that. After my dad died, my dad was a World War 2 veteran, a Korean War veteran,

a decorated lots of metals and, and when he died, they couldn't, he was cremated and then the military brought his ashes, his medals, his uniform, the flag, everything to me at my house. And I happened to be alone that day. My sisters weren't there, my husband wasn't there. And so they bring me all my dad's stuff and they left and here I've got my dad's ashes. And you know, it's not really knowing what to do. So I took my dad's ashes and I took him down to the garage and I put him on a shelf. And I said, you sit here and you think about what you did

because you got to take care of yourself, too, You know, I mean, you do. And he sat there for a very, very long time. A very, very long time

now, now, now, go share at work how you put your daddy's ashes in the garage and they look at you like, holy heck, they don't think it's funny at work at all. So don't don't tell that story there.

But anyway, so anyway, I grew up in this nuts and mole house. It's absolutely crazy and it's insane. My dad's behavior is insane. He's crazy when he's drunk, he's mean when he's drunk. He's always going to blow up the neighbors. And she could be, you know, whatever and stuff,

you know, and subsequently, you know, I mean, and we always lived in Europe and we always moved every two years, whether we wanted to or not, because you're in the military and that's what you do. And we lived on the East Coast and, and just as I was becoming a teenager, my dad got out of the Army. We moved to California and, and up to now, you know, I'm a rule and regulation girl. I love rules and regulations. I love instructions. Again, that's who I am. That's how I was raised. I really do like it. And we, we moved to California and this is in the 60s and there's not a lot of rules and regulations in California. I don't know if you heard about California

but that was bizarro. And so anyway, so now you know, we're getting older and we're starting to date. My dad has a lot of rules and regulations about dating in our house. We have to bring these little weenie guys home to meet my dad. My dad is over 6 foot tall. He is one eyebrow. He can raise like 6 inches off of his forehead. He looks like Satan himself all the time,

you know, and he's, and he drills these little weenie guys. We, you know, we bring home, you know, the Master Sergeant drill and he stands over him, he puts him in a chair. He stands over him. Where are you going? What time are you going to be back? And then he tells him what part of their anatomy he will remove if we are not returned in the virginal condition of which we left the house in the 1st place. So it's very, very hard to get a second date in my house, almost impossible, just doesn't happen.

And where he takes you home early, shakes your hand. Thank you. But nobody's worth this, you know, they're done. And and that's pretty much the way I remember it. But then my sister told me, you know, that dad did that. But and he is intimidating, but the fact that he always had a hand grenade or a firearm didn't help matters. And he either. But again, you know,

from my dad always had a hand grenade or a firearm. He was always going to kill you. He's always going to blow up the mailman or blow up somebody, you know, because that's the insanity of the drinking that goes on all the time. But when you grow up in that, you know, and This is why I have no qualms with me, the non drinker, how I become sick too, because this becomes because when every good sense tells me there's something wrong with this behavior is still where I live and I got to justify and make it be OK. You know, when I say being around active alcoholism and living with it day in and day out, it's like

bowl of crap in front of you. Nobody will eat a bowl of crap, but you'll eat it a teaspoon at a time if it'll make people be quiet, if it'll bring some kind of calmness to the deal. And then the next thing you know, you've ate in a bowl of crap. And then you wonder why you're as bitter and angry and you're not even the person that's drinking. But this is how the family disease of alcoholism has affected you, you know, And that's truly been my experience. You know, I've been hard wired to think in this way, you know that. So when I see things that are bizarre or weird, I'm not near as freaked out about it. The news doesn't freak me out,

you know, because I grew up in this alcoholic home. There's a lot of weird stuff that goes on. But what I know too from sponsorship and coming to these rooms is that I got a lot of misinformation. There's a lot of misinformation and, and, and unlearning that is not always the easiest thing. As all the speakers have said, some very difficult, sometimes very, very difficult. But there is a path and there is truth, you know, and the truth will set you free. And I really absolutely, positively do believe that. So anyway,

I end up, you know, I'm 17 years old

and, you know, and my head is like, you know, growing up in this home, you know, my reaction to it and my sisters had different reactions to it, but my reaction to it was, OK, a student. Good girl. Don't rock the boat. Don't piss off the sarge. Do exactly what you are told. Follow the rules and regulations right down the line. You know, you have a plan of action for everything that occurs. And again, this is how I, this is how I've been raised. This is how I'm hard wired to think, you know, and I don't ask anything because that gets you in a lot of trouble too,

because this charge expects you to know where you are, what you're doing, what your assignment is, and you better pull it off, you know, So I've learned early on not to ask people. I just figure things out for myself. I call it information from nowhere. It's floating up here in the universe. I got to think up something. I will think up something. It will land here. I come back for me and I will act upon it, you know, and that's just what I do. And I also have a Rolodex in my head. I have an index card for every conceivable thing that can happen on the face of the planet, you know, and it's just like, and if it doesn't happen, I will make up an index card on the spot. You do one,

do 2, you do 3. And that's who I am. I got to check things off like that. And so anyway, so you know, and I've got an index card about how my life is going to be and, and I'm dating these little weenie guys, but not having too much fun about it. And then when I was 17, I met my husband and I should have known there was something wrong with him because my dad liked him right away. And that like never happened, never ever happened.

And we went out On this date, we were with this other couple. And, and then we're going to go back to his house and, and, and, and my husband, you know, I was 17, he's like 24. So he's several years older than me, been married once before, had a kid. And we were going back to his house. He was living with his mom and dad, which might have been clue #2 to me that there was something wrong with them, but that went right over my head. And then he stopped at a liquor store and asked me what I would like to drink. You know, well, I'm 17 years old and there's rules and regulations about drinking in the state of California. And I proceeded to tell him.

Rules and regulations of the state of California that I was 17 in an underage minor buddy and and I know we heard what he still hears today when he doesn't want to hear what I'm saying. He heard blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah because he went in and got a gallon

of Red Mountain wine, if nothing else, to show me what he could consume in sheer volume alone in one evening. And so we go back to his house and this is like a Sunday afternoon and, and I don't drink. They're drinking. And but now they're going to play a game. And it's a it's a legitimate board game. It was called pass out. I don't know if any of you ever heard of it, but I mean, it is a legitimate

manufactured Dame with rules and regulations because I read them and now I don't drink. But I have, again, I have a lot of rules about how life goes and but now we're going to play this game and it's a drinking game. Now I have another rule that's more important than not drinking and that's the rule that I must win every game I play. What's the point if you're not going to do that

again? How I was raised, you know, you come up on top or you, you know, you're going to pay a price for that. And so, so anyway, so I drank a little bit of this wine, not very much. I won the game. That's what it was all about. And then and now he's, you know, that's the end of the, you know, the date or whatever and he's getting ready to Take Me Home. Of course, he's had considerable amount to drink. Now. Let me tell you, I've got an index card in my head about what my life is going to be like and what's going to happen to me because I'm growing up in this house. My parents hate each other. There was no affection in my home.

Umm, there's just nothing but tension and fear all the time. And believe you me, I know what my life is going to be like when I get the heck out of this hellhole. And it's not going to have any of this stuff going on. And I'm not going to be married to anybody that hits US or makes us feel bad about who we are. And I'm not going to be married to anybody that's drinking, that's for darn sure. Because obviously now I can kind of tell that that's definitely a problem that's going on. Yet I go out with Butch and, you know, and this is our very first date and obviously this guy's a drinker, you know, But what I got to see right out of the gate, and again,

information from nowhere lands here because I watch my husband drink. I'll tell you, when my husband drinks, it's the complete opposite of when my father drinks. Because when my husband drinks, he just wants to hug you and kiss you and make you feel good about who you are, where my dad wants to hit you and smack you around and make you feel bad about who you are. So right away, you know, because I like this guy and I want to go out with this guy, I'm going to change things up. And yeah, though drinking's, you know, on my list of not, you know, he can't not, you know, the guy I'm supposed to go out with doesn't drink. This is different. I can work with this, you know, I can. I can

fix this thing right over here and you know, and and and what you need to know also was up into that point. I'm just dating little weenie pencil pushing, you know, geeky kids, straight A students just like me. You know, Butch is a hippie guy, you know, tattoos, long hair, you know, Levis no underwear. Another clue they're an alcoholic, just in case you're wondering. I know

and you know it's true. You know it's true, so that's all I have to say on that whole subject. But I guess 2 pairs of pants is just too much for most of them. I don't know. But,

but I was literally, I was fascinated, just fascinated with the guy. And, and it was really hard for me to date Butch basically because he couldn't remember my name. But you can't let a little thing like that keep you from your alcoholic, now can you? That's just the tip of the iceberg, isn't it? And,

and I know my name is different and it's it's Larceny and and my dad, like I say, not happy with girl children. That's a whole another hour talk. But he but but because I was first born, you know, my dad was hugely proud of his Scottish heritage. I mean, that was a big, big deal for him. And because I was first born, he bestowed this name Larceny upon me, which is a Scottish name. It's the name of a town in Scotland, you know, being a girl, that was like the only thing he could, you know, give me, you know, this little significant thing, you know, so

was always, you know, really pretty jazzed about that. And again, after I was an Al Anon for a while, I went to the, you know, I, this is way before computers and Google and all this stuff. And we have places called libraries. I don't know if you guys have them or I've ever been to one, but this is a place where you go and they have books and you look stuff up with your fingers and your eyeballs. And so anyway, I went to the library to look up Larsen Scotland and I could not find it. So I went to the reference librarian and asked her to look into it for me and she told me to come back in a week and I did. And,

and she had researched Larsen Scotland and there she had not been able to find anything like it. And I was again, you know, because now I'm an Al Anon a little while I've forgiven my dad, you know, and stuff. But now, you know, it turns out my dad's digging it to me one more time from, you know, the great beyond. And so I'm getting a little bit pissy about it. And not that people, you know, I don't know how, I don't know how people always knew when I was pissy. But for some reason they pick up on it real easy at the meetings. And

so, so a friend of ours who is big golfer guy in a A and he was going to Scotland, which I guess is the golf Mecca of the universe. And he was going for two weeks. And what he said to me, he knows Scotland's a very old country.

Maybe there's not larceny in Scotland now, but maybe there was larceny Scotland a long, long time ago. Let me find it out before you, you know, have your hissy fit. So he went off, he came back, you know, two or three weeks later, whatever, Larsen, I'm sorry, there is no Larsen Scotland. You know, so now I'm really ticked about it. I'm going to change my friggin name. You know, I'm just done with all of this. And then I'm with my husband at his a, a speaker meeting on Saturday night and Spring walks up to me and he says larceny. You are not going to believe this, but I found out that larceny is a Scottish word.

I am like, you've got to be kidding. What does it mean? He goes. It means that father was drunk when daughter was born. So daughter got a weird name. So

now I am pretty sure that that is not the truth. I am almost positive of it. I haven't researched that at all. But what

he went on to say to me, he goes, you know, Larsen, I was alcoholic like your dad was alcoholic. I was mean, you know, when all those things just like your dad was, he goes, but I'm going to tell you what I think happened. He says, I think your dad was drunk when he looked up your name. He goes. But I still believe your dad believed that it was the name of a town in Scotland. And even though that may not be what it is, that is what he meant the gift to be. And just because it's not coming the rap that you think it should be, don't take any, you know, doesn't take anything away from that.

And see, This is why, you know, coming to the meetings, sharing with you guys what's going on with me because what it always continues to do over and over and over again. Again, the circumstances of my life aren't changed. My name doesn't mean crap, Ola. It does not. But you guys just give me a different way to look at it. You can look at it on the negative side and be miserable with it, or you can look at it with this attitude and get a shot at a good life. You decide what you want to do. You want to be miserable or you want the shot at a good life because your circumstances are what they are.

It's what you do with those circumstances, you know, it's what it's what we do with those circumstances, you know, that gives me the shot in a good life. And now I'm really, really proud of my name. And if I ever win the Lotto, I'm going to Scotland, I'm buying some little village and I'm naming at Larcene right out of the frickin state.

It will happen.

But anyway, Butch and I, we started dating and, and, you know, and we dated for a couple of years, a lot of drinking, a lot of drug use behind all of that big violations of the rules and regulations, you know, that I have anything to do with. But, you know, most of that stuff I just really kind of overlooked. I, I, I just had a ball with him. We just had, we had a lot, a lot of fun. And, you know, and it's important for me to remember that too, because, because boy, I sure forgot about it. Boy, as life got really bad behind the drinking. I forgot that I ever enjoyed it that that, you know, that we did have good,

you know, and and it wasn't always this horrific life. But what ended up happening is after we dated for a couple of years, I ended up getting pregnant and may not be a big deal for you. Huge, huge deal for me. And because now I've broken the big rule and the big regulation. And this was the punishment, you know, it was our lives got really bad behind the family disease of alcoholism. This was the punishment, you know, that I was going to get. And, you know, and I'm here to tell you, you know, that if, you know, if the God that you have is a punishing God, you know,

and you might as well get on up and walk on out the back door. You know, the God that I have learned to find in these rooms, you know, is a loving, forgiving,

understanding, compassion to God. And I don't think he really gives a holy hooey about, you know, what your past has done, you know, or what you've done in that past as a result of alcoholism. I think he cares about what you're doing right now with what you got right now. You know, and that's why I love in our literature where it says, you know, there is no unhappiness too great to be lessened. There is not, you know, and there is a God here that, you know, it's not just been my experience, but that of many people that I have seen in these rooms, you know, that,

that the God that's here is just a loving, caring God that wants you to be happy, joyous and free

and gives you the free choice to do that. It's up to you. It's totally up to you and your attitude about your life and where you're going to go from this point on. But anyway, I, you know, I was sure God was, was, was putting the big whack a mole on me. And, you know, and, and what I know today is that was just a big excuse for me not to take responsibility for the choices that I was making in my life, because it's way easier to blame God for crap, you know, than than it is to stand up and take responsibility for the choices that I was making. And anyway, it was, it was a big to do for me. And

and then

first year I was in Al Anon, we have in Southern California or Al Anon family groups convention. We do this deal or we get the two adjoining hotel rooms and we cram as many Al Anon's as and these two adjoining hotel rooms as we can. And one night we're having the meeting after the meeting. And like I say, I'm new in the program and we have seven women up in the room. And what I heard people sharing was their deepest darkest secret. Now, I don't know that that's what they were sharing, but that's what I heard. So when it came around my turn to share, I told those women how I had had to get married because I was pregnant. And it turns out seven women in the room, 6 of them

had to get married because they were pregnant, and we decided the 7th was the sickest because she married an alcoholic and did not have to.

That's really bad.

That's really, that's pretty sick. And

you know, and again, what I got to learn, you know, from that whole experience is you are as sick as your secrets. Because I'll tell you where I really was in that space when I was sharing with those women, because we're the family disease of alcoholism took me is that, you know, every time this little boy's birthday would roll around, I started blaming this little kid, you know, because if I hadn't had this kid, then I wouldn't be stuck in this marriage having this crappy life. And again, I don't tell you the story because I'm proud of it. I tell you the story because this is where the family disease of alcoholism took me, that I would blame a little child

for the circumstances of my life, because that's what the family disease of alcoholism is all about, placing blame on somebody, making it be somebody'd fault and living in that disaster over and over and over again. Anyway, we ended up getting married a month after our child was born. So if you ask me if I was pregnant when I got married, no, I was not. And you know, it's all how it sounds to me. And, and then what? You know, up until that point, I'd never much discussed with Butch's drinking or his drug use. But the day after we got married,

the day after we got married, I sat him in the kitchen chair and I told him the rules and regulations of the marriage. But I said, you know, we're going to get a babysitter once a month. You can party once a month, but that's it. We're going to work. We're saving money. I got a plan. Do you understand? He sat in the chair and to me did this, which was affirmative. And you know, and what I know today was so freaking loaded. His head was just doing this thing and he heard that

blah, blah, blah, blah part because because day three of our marriage, he does not come home all night long. This is a huge violation of the rules and regulations. I have sat down and I am here to tell you, you know,

you know, I watched my mom for years. She never said nothing. So I knew the silent treatment didn't work. I am proud to stand before you and tell you my husband beg for the silent treatment. I mean he begged for it. He never got it. One time I was like one of those little dogs when you walk in just you know and curse the Lord. I don't even know where I learned this language from. And again, information from nowhere lands here becomes back for me because I'm sure if I say the right mothers and efforts in the right order, like he's going to have some spiritual awakening, right,