The Feet First Speakers Group in Quakertown, PA

Please help. Feet First welcome our speaker for the evening from the Underground 4th in Lombard in Philadelphia, PA. Emily S. Come on up, Emily.

Hi everyone, I'm Emily Sheets. I'm an alcoholic.

My sobriety days November 1st 2004. My Home group is the underground group of Alcoholics Anonymous. We meet Tuesday, Thursday, Friday 8:00 Fourth and Lombard Center City Philadelphia

's.

I'm really happy to be here. I did dress up for you guys, but it's freezing outside so I have to wear this Italian jacket.

I'm not Italian,

but I'm wearing this jacket,

so let's see. I don't know what I'm going to say. You guys, I'm really happy to be here. I came with with my posse from Philly. They were the ones. Yeah. They were the ones singing. If you heard them singing, there's is Linda Ronstadt, I think. So that was them. And yeah, No, we have a good time, man. We had a good time coming up. We're going to have a great time going home. And I just. I love them and they've been there for me and

I don't know it's really awesome.

I don't know let's see so usually when I tell my story like this, I I'm very much the type of alcoholic nowadays that has this huge ego, right. So I've heard a lot of really great speakers. And I mean, last weekend we had

the the Pennsylvania Young People's Conference and there were these amazing speakers from all over the country. And I mean, people were crying, people were laughing. It was like that sort of like, you know, tent revival type A A and,

and I mean, everybody's digging it. And I mean, it was such a great experience. And, you know, with speakers like that, and I've heard so many of them, it's just like, yeah, people are laughing and crying and all this stuff. So like, you know, when I think about when I tell my story, I'm just like, oh man, you know, like I want people passing tissue boxes, you know, 'cause you're just crying from my story. It's just so moving, you know, and, and like people laughing really hard. They're just holding each other and hugging and just celebrating, you know, and, and then before I even get to finish my story, everybody

carries me out on their shoulders and, and, and there's a parade and, and it's just, it's a magical scene for everyone. And, and that's just, you know, that's the way that you work. So, and I used to get really nervous because I took that thought really seriously and I would just, I would want to throw up because I'm like, my story is so boring. It's so boring. Like I drank alone. I drank a lot of vodka and I didn't do anything. Like I went out maybe five times, you know, like as soon as I realized what alcohol could do for me, people

just very quickly realized that I was not sort of fun drunk to be around, you know, I was the one that people had to take care of before we even got anywhere, you know, and I don't know, I didn't learn that from anywhere. Like I didn't think consciously like, oh, I'm going to be that girl that everybody has to take care of. I just, that's just the way that I drank, you know, So it just became easier to drink by myself because then nobody got in the way and then I didn't feel bad and, and all that. So

yeah,

I don't know, I'm feeling pretty, pretty stoked to be at a meeting and it's beautiful here and there's so many. There's like the the lawn seats over there, which is really cool. Hi,

no, this is awesome, and one of my favorite sounds in the world is the sound of cricket, so that's really nice. Crickets and rain. This little side note

there's nothing to do with my alcoholism.

Sorry, sorry, Dave, he asked me. You can blame him. Whatever comes out the rest of the at the hour. I I don't know. This is so I was actually feeling a little bit off my square today. I haven't been to a meeting in about a week and that's unusual. And I really I very much like to keep it very regular because I find that that's just kind of what works for me. And the reason for that I was I was in North Carolina. My grandmother died last

Sunday and,

you know, I was down there all week being with my family and, and driving and, and doing all that stuff. And I got to tell you guys, you know, we're very close family. It wasn't like, you know, somebody that I don't really know that well died. It was, it was a big impact. And

I was taking care of the entire time, you know, which made it possible for me to show up and take care of my family when they needed it. And that was an absolute miracle. And, and just the fact that my eyes were open enough to see that was a miracle in and of itself. You know,

I got the call 2:00 AM from I got a message around 2:00 AM and I called my mom and she told me what was going on. And that was in the middle of the, the Pensy pasta. So I went and I, I took the speaker the next day to the airport and I was driving home and I was like, I got to go down there, you know, because I found out she was in the hospital And, you know, it was very emotional conversation with my mom and,

you know, so I, I went down there and it was so, it was so easy, you know, and my friends made it easy and God made it easy. I had this whole weekend of this amazing AA experience to just absolutely pump me full of excitement and love. And then to go down in North Carolina and share that with them was just like unbelievable, you know, and, and to, to have the means to go down there and the flexibility of my job, I mean, just all this stuff was hitting me all at once. How lucky and grateful and blessed I was, you know,

so I got to go down there and,

and justice be with my family and be present. And that's a big deal for an alcoholic like me. Like

when I got here, my heart was so closed off to everything and everybody, you know, including my family. I did not feel any sort of form of compassion or really, I mean, I have to say love. And that's not like a judgement or an exaggeration. I didn't know how to feel it, how to express it.

You know, when I was, I was two years sober when I described this feeling to my sponsor and she said, Emily, that's called compassion. Have you never felt that before? And I said, no, you know, that's the kind of alcoholic that that's two years sober, you know, So I got to go down there and I got to know what compassion feels like. I got to know what empathy feels like. I got to, you know, be there for my mom because her mom, you know, she was there with her and, you know,

it was just amazing. You know, Megan took care of my house and my cat Puss and

you know, and, and it was cool because that so at Pennsylvania, when you introduce yourself at Pennsylvania, you say hi. I'm Emily. I'm an alcoholic. And instead of just the hi Emily, they say hi Emily. We love you Emily. Lots and lots and lots and whole bunches. And at first it's really weird. And I didn't do it at first because I was like, Oh, my God, they're chanting. And

there's a lot of chanting. I don't like that. And and then I got into it and by the end I was screaming it, you know? And like, it always happens like that, you know? And, you know, I remember I would be down there with my family. We'd just be sitting around and, you know, talking about what to do with my grandmother's ashes and, you know, these really serious conversations. And they would come to an end and we'd just be hanging out. And then all of a sudden, just out of nowhere, I'd be like, I love you, mom. Lots and lots and lots. And a whole bunch of, you know, and they were like, oh, they didn't really know what to do with me.

They were just like,

oh, that's special. Emily is great, you know, and they just sit there. Nobody really said it back and or there was like, I love you to him, you know, and you know, and what's funny is as soon as I got back, I got all these messages from my family, like on Facebook and like calls and text messages and they all said, I love you, Emily. Lots and lots and lots and whole bunches, you know. So it was just, it was really cool to kind of to be a part of that, you know,

because again, I'm not wired naturally to be like that. I'm wired to, to think about you in relation to me. And that's it, you know, I'm, I'm wired to think about

how can I feel better? How can I feel good? You know, had that, had this happened a few years ago, it would have been my grandma. I'm really upset, you know, and instead it was like, mom, what can I do for you? You know, my aunt, what can I do for you? And, and I got to grieve and, and do all that and be completely present. So that was amazing. And that's, that's what a A gives me today, you know,

and now I'm here with you guys. So let's see, I speak till 9, right?

Done. No. So let's see. So I really believe that I was an alcoholic, you know, pretty early on, you know, when I was in 5th or 5th grade and when I was five in kindergarten, I'm pretty sure I could use a drink. You know, I remember being in church and you know, and so in Lutheran services, they had the children's sermon and my dad would take me every once in a while and the preacher

Lutheran guy don't go anymore with all the kids up. And, and my dad always nudged me to go up with all the other little kids, like a normal little kid. Just go up with all the little kids and you go to Sunday school and you eat snacks

and you drink juice and you hang out. And I didn't want to hang out with the other little kids. I was terrified, absolutely terrified. I hated the kids my age. I always ended up hanging out with their parents at sleepovers. You know, I was that kid and like, just total dork. And so they would call the kids and I would be drawing and not paying attention to what's going on. And, you know, I would literally grip the seat during the children's sermon because I was not getting up there in front of other people, you know, So at a really young age,

I, I was terrified. I didn't know what of I couldn't have said like, oh, the reason I would laugh, like to go up to the children's sermon today is because I am afraid of what people will think of me, you know?

And we just knew that I was gripped in terror and I didn't know why. And I had this constant anxiety,

um, you know, just just with everyone, you people were terrifying to me, you know, so I'm living, I'm living my life like that at a, at a little age. And I like to play by myself. You know, my punishment when I was growing up was to go outside. That was like my grounding, you know, the and like, go play with the other kids, you know,

don't make me do it. I hated those little kids, you know, and they were great. They were normal, but I couldn't stand it. I hated it. And you know, because there's this disconnect. There was just this disconnect in this fear and, and all that, you know, and what I became obsessed with growing up was how do I fix that? How do I fix this feeling? You know, and it, and it didn't have a whole lot to do with you or with alcohol or me. It was just like, I just need to feel better.

I just need to feel better, you know, And

so that became an obsession really early on. How do I feel better, you know, because and I wasn't drinking at 5. There was something wrong with me in sobriety, you know,

So let's see

what happened. Oh, I drank, I drank at 15. I drank at 15 and I waited that long. I had a couple of of people in my family that were pretty bad Alcoholics and I got to see first hand what that does to families. And if you know about that, then I don't need to really get into it.

But it's, it's bad and it's lonely and there's a lot of hurt physically and, you know, mentally and, and all that stuff. And, you know, I was right there in the middle of it as a kid and, and alcohol was not attractive to me. I saw what it did. Why would I drink? You know, So when my friends started experimenting in like middle school and early high school, I wanted nothing to do with it. I know what I know what Alcoholics do. I'm, I'm above that. And I also saw in their class,

you know, that it was bad. And I would be shooting heroin in my eyeball and I wasn't going to drink. You know, I wasn't even smoke pot.

I'm on the honor roll and there, you know, and you know, I was also pretty convinced that I was a genius. So I had to do in school. That was one of the things that I used to explain why I felt different from everyone else. I literally would sit, I didn't need TVI would sit in the in the hallway and look up at the ceiling and ceiling and just think what's wrong with me? And then it would just go. And one of them was, was that I was a genius. And that's why nobody got me, you know, and,

and and I knew there were kids smarter than me because I'm so average.

So, you know, it's hard to convince yourself of a life. So then you got to, like, sort of come around that. And so I was like, creatively more genius than them. And like, that's not real genius. And they just study, you know, I don't need that. So. Yeah. So that was one of the things. But

at 15, I drank and, and I don't know why, because I had been so against it for so long. And then a bunch of girls in the team that I was on there, you know, we were just heading home on the bus one day and I, I was like, why don't we, why don't we get some like gears, you know? And so we did and we drank in this field

much like this one. And I didn't set out to get drunk. And it wasn't like, ah, man, I mean, it's so, you know, drunk. It was just like, I'm going to hang out with these people and that's it. So I had a wine cooler and you know, like girls drink, you know, like wine coolers and Coors Light stolen from their dad's basement. And, and that's what we drank, you know, and what's interesting to me is that

is that I, so I drank and then I got this effect

where I had like these couple beers and I started to loosen up and like that feeling of anxiety went away. And the, the fact that I was terrified of all of you, that went away too. And also I had this thing in my brain where it would be like if all of you started screaming at me. That's what it was like to be in my head way before I drank. Like, I mean, just literally screaming at me ideas about what I need to do and what are people thinking about all that stuff.

And you all shut up.

It turned off. And it was just like, I could breathe. And and that was that was that was the power that that alcohol had over me. And that would be great if I could have one or two or three or four get that effect. Those voices shut off and it's all good. The problem is that I overshoot the mark every time I overshoot that mark. And then I'm throwing up all the front of myself and everybody's mad at me, you know, and, and so, you know, when alcohol adjusts your perception, you know, like that, like, no wonder I drink. You know,

I need something like that in order to exist. And

I was a really suicidal kid, so I found alcohol, you know, umm,

so I'm drinking with these girls. And there were girls on this team that I was on that I didn't like or that like I never really bonded with because like I said, I had issues with that. And, and I remember this one girl in particular, I did not like her, but I needed to get to the bathroom and I couldn't seem to make it there on my own. And I remember just throwing my arm around her and just be like, why don't we hang out more, you know, And she was awful. And, but like, because alcohol just makes me feel alive and open. I just want to be everybody's best friend and and everybody's great

and you know, and I can't make it to the bathroom, but I feel awesome.

So, you know, they tried to put me to sleep that I was the only one that got cut off that night. They tried to put me in the tent to go to sleep and I just I literally I couldn't walk at this point. I'm so hammered and I'm like, are me crawling out of the tent to go hang out. That's how desperate I was to be around you guys. Now you know where I would have army crawled away from you When I was sober. It was like unbelievable what alcohol did to me. And I remember sort of wandering off away from everyone because I was sick and I wasn't sure if I was going to throw up.

And I was laying on the ground looking up at the stars and the world is spinning and you get the spins and, and I'm feeling a little sick. But man, like I just, I just remember thinking this is how I want to feel the rest of my life. You know, this is it, you know, and I didn't, I didn't start, you know, capping on Kensington Ave. like right after that. But but I saved that memory. And, you know, within about a year, I was drinking on a daily basis because really, what was the point

of going through life

feeling sober? You know, it was awful. So let's see. I went off to to college and, you know, drinking, drinking on the weekends, going to college parties, college party, one party. There's just one. I exaggerated. There was one I was invited to. Yeah, I know.

Yeah, I've invited all the parties now.

No, I,

you know, so. Oh, yeah. So I went to the college party and like, I went there and I'm doing all these shots. Like I felt a lot. I'm telling you guys like it transformed me. I was this shy, pimply, weird, gross braces, everything. It was not a pretty picture. And you know, I was the sexiest girl at that party that day. I was a sophomore. I was at this college party and I was like, these guys must let me, you know, And I was like, I would do them for one minute. And that's what I'm thinking. It's like I'm the funniest. I'm the sexiest. I am like just

everybody wants to know me, you know, and had I not had alcohol that I would have been hiding in the bathroom just like, oh God, how do I get out of here, you know, but there I am doing quarters with these guys and here's perception for you. So doing quarters now when you play, I don't know if you miss and you drink or when you get it in you. I'm not sure how it works because I just did shots as I was doing it. And and so within literally 1/2 an hour of arriving here, I'm like,

excuse me, gentlemen, you know, cool, that's a cucumber. Because I felt that saliva, you know,

I know what that means. So I went outside and I proceeded to vomit all over the front of myself. And when you do that and you're very drunk, what tends to happen is that you do this.

That doesn't get it all out.

It doesn't.

So I did that and I rolled right back in there and I and I'm still the sexiest, funniest girl these guys ever met, you know, and I got those looks like you should go to bed, you should come, you know, and I don't know why, why, you know, and

it's like an animal and, and it wasn't till the next day I woke up and there's like dried pieces of corn and just crap all over that. It's like, oh, that's why they wanted me out of there. Ha ha, but

just a mess. So that's how I drank so and that is why I drank alone. You know, nobody wants to drink with that girl,

not even me.

So what happened? I I had a panic attack my senior year in high school. I switched high schools because that was just too much people, you know, it's funny. I decided to switch high schools after being and growing up with these, these people for for 12 years since kindergarten. And I switched high schools because I thought no one liked me. That's what I thought. And and I have a letter to this day that my friends gave to my mom with all of them signed it and said, we don't want you to go. Why are you leaving?

And in my head, I'm like, they don't mean it, you know? So alcohol stopped, stopped really doing something awesome for me. There started to be too much pain, you know, I don't know if that makes sense.

So so I start drinking every day. I switch schools and I had 1/2 hour drive to this new school and oh, and yeah. And I had a panic attack stone cold sober. I mean, like, Emily, are you drunk? I'm like, no, that's the problem, you know, that's why I had to be sent to the hospital and a year later.

I'm in Temple University Hospital absolutely drunk out of my mind, drank I think like 1/5 of rum by maybe noon and alone in my room. My my college roommate would come in and just see me sitting alone watching like Jerry Springer just doing shots. So excited that I found something that I can drink straight and and she would walk in after like her 840 class and I'd be sitting on my bed just doing shots and she'd be like, are you OK?

I'm like, yes, do you know that I can drink this straight? Isn't that awesome? She's like, do you think you have a problem? Like two weeks into the semester, do you think you have a problem? I was like, no, this is this is not a problem. This is great news, you know,

so you know that that was me and and within a month I was in arm and leg restraints at Temple University Hospital, completely out of my mind drunk. Something happened in that year where being sober that that first time I landed up in the hospital because sobriety, it's like that's screaming and that thing that's in my gut that doesn't feel right is there. And then all the sudden a year later,

I've got so much in me that but that's still there, you know, and it's not, it's not fixing it anymore.

So, so I end up in the hospital and, and this is the rounds of psychiatrists and psychologists, therapists moving and all this stuff to try to fix what's wrong with me, you know, and nothing glamorous, just hospitals and doctors saying, Emily, we don't know what's wrong with you. So we're just going to throw all these pills at you and hope something works.

And nothing quite did the trick the way that alcohol did. Because really, by the end I was just drinking to be a vegetable and they wouldn't give me anything to just numb me out until I die,

you know, That's what I wanted. So I ended up,

yeah, moving a few times and just kind of just getting worse and worse. And I remember leaving, I moved down with my mom 'cause I thought that would fix it. I can't do this stuff with my mom around. And I did. And I remember leaving to move back up to Philadelphia that day and her just sobbing, not because she was going to miss me, because she was terrified of like, what was going to happen to me.

So I come back to Philly and I decide I'm just going to drink on the weekends and do my schoolwork during the week. You know, 'cause everybody's hella family. You just got to pull it together.

You just got to pull it together. I'm like, take your meds. You have to pull it together. And umm, and I could not for the life of me pull it together. And at this point, I'm just trying to get OK. I'm doing everything that I possibly can to just be OK to function in society.

And I go back to school and I'm like, OK, pardon, on the weekends and I have this whole plan and within a week that falls apart because I don't know if I start drinking on Saturday, I might not stop till Wednesday. I don't know,

'cause that's just the way I drink. I don't stop until it's out or I'm passed out.

Um, you know, so I don't have control over that. And I tried really hard to, and because I just wanted to be that girl, I could just party, have a good time, go to school, be normal and, and it didn't work. So I, I come home one day, I'm out of money, I'm at a booze, you know, just in a hurting and I'm sobbing and it's one of the days that I went to school and I'm coming home and I know that there's nothing left. And that's a terrifying feeling when you don't know how

you're going to get the next drink. I was terrified because I was pretty much messed up around the clock at this point,

so just drinking to be a vegetable until I got the the guts to kill myself. That was it. That was my plan.

So I'm coming home one day sobbing and I, I call this girl. I don't know if it was for sympathy or whatever money, I don't really know. And and I call her and I get gut level honest. And I had no idea that that's what I was going to do. But I called her and I said, you know, Amanda, I can't stop drinking and I want to die.

And,

and she said, and I'm, I'm literally, I'm sobbing. There's nothing at home. I'm like, I don't know how I'm going to feel. OK. And I wanted that. And like, and I say that to her. And she's like, well, Emily, why don't you come to an A a meeting with me? She started dating this guy in the program. And I was like, she said, Emily, why don't you come to an A meeting with me? And and I was like,

no,

that was too much. I was like, that's an overreaction. You know, I can't stop drinking and I want to die. Let's focus on I want to die

part first. You know, I didn't want to stop drinking. I didn't want to even in my first meeting, probably my first month sober. I don't want to stop drinking. I didn't want to and I didn't I don't know, maybe I didn't even need to. I don't know. I just came and I was too stupid to not do the steps really. Like that was it and it worked on me, you know, so that's why I that stays like, you know, it's not for people that need it for people that want. I didn't even want it, but it worked anyway.

So. So, yeah. So, you know, since she was like, OK, why don't you come to an A meeting with me? And I said no. And she said to me what I could not argue with was Emily. What you have to lose?

Oh, nothing, you know, nothing. I was living in a step above a crack house. I was living in the worst neighborhood. Literally the the day I moved in there. They're like, yo-yo, we got what you need. You want that wet? You know that? That's perfect. Strangers. I was like, this is my fantasy land, you know? But but yeah, so, you know, I I had no relationship with my parents or friends

unless I was asking them for money or doing drugs with them or drinking with them, you know? So what do you have to lose

that stopped me dead in my tracks? Nothing.

So I go to this meeting with her. She she has me meet her right away because she knows that window is small. You know, she's like coming me right now. So I do I drop my stuff off at my house and there's still a bottle empty bottle of vodka, white Tavern vodka. There's 7 bucks for 1/5. And you know, I know it's interesting. I never had money. I never had $10. I had, I had 1/5 of vodka and like a pint, you know, I had, I never had money. It automatically was translated in my head what I could buy with it, you know.

So I came home

or yeah, I came home, drop myself off, went and met this girl and she had me read a story out of the back of the big book and that she thought I would relate to. And I tried to read it, but my brain is starting to act up again. And, and I'm sober for the first time in a long time and, and I can't focus on anything. I was an English major at Temple University and, and I couldn't read. That's how loud my head was. I could not comprehend anything.

So I got to the end. She was like, well, did you relate? And I knew what the answer should be. So I was like, yeah,

yeah, it was good. It was a really good story, you know, And I had no idea what I had read something about some girl in college. Not that's me, you know, I So we go to this meeting and I'm sitting in there and I remember being so anxious that I had these, these nail marks in my palms because I was squeezing my hands together so tight because I was just this nerve.

And I sat in there and, umm,

foggy voices are back, anxious people are trying to talk to me, which was awful.

And, you know, I sat in that meeting and thank God, I was like relieved no one was trying to talk to me anymore. And I was relating, people were sharing and I was tuning in and out because I was so foggy. But every now and then I would TuneIn and people were talking about how they thought, how they felt and how they drank. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had all these diagnosis on me and people were talking about themselves, themselves. And I was like, that's me, that's it, you know? And and it sank in. And that was really, that was really a powerful experience. I was like, Oh my God, I belong here.

You know, people are messed up and and you are all of you.

So yeah. So it's not a meeting. And then they were like, go get your 24 hour chili. You should go get your 24 hour chips. Emily. I was like, I don't have 24 hours. And then trying to be like, you know, trying to find a way out of it. And no, it's just for people like you have a desire. I was like, I'm not going up there to get a chip. Yeah. It was like the worst thing to do to a newcomer, in my opinion, is like, you are claiming like this deadly disease that 50% chance will kill you or make you

spiritually dead. And, and we're going to parade you in front of everyone of these people in here so you can get your chip, you know, and it's like, yay, I'm dying. Thanks. You know, so I actually never make my sponsors go get there 24 hours. Never. I'm just like, just fine, you know, we'll get it later. So anyway, so I, I sent that meeting and I related and then the next day I got tricked into going to my next meeting

because I was like, I just went to one yesterday and they're like, well, what are you doing?

Nothing. You know, I knows, I wish that for people that get in here, it's like don't have a social calendar, you know, because you you might be missing out. But I had nothing going on and,

and I went to this other meeting and I got tricked into and there was a big book study and Sarah Bear was there and her name is Sarah Bear

for long. She was there and a couple of responses and you're like, Emily, do you have a sponsor yet? Do you have a sponsor? You sponsor? And I no idea what a sponsor was. And so I'm like scoping out the meeting and I'm trying to figure out they're like, pick somebody who has what you want. Like, okay,

so I'm looking around the room, I'm shaky and talking to me and, and I hate every second of it. And I had this stupid big book meeting in this church in this cafeteria and I hate it. And I'm looking around for this stupid person that has what I want. And, and then I see her and she had short hair, like shaved head and a pink poof. It was a pink poof top of her head. She had these big earrings and she had an accent, you know, and,

and she, she said HP and said God, which was a huge bonus because I was not doing the God thing because God, people were awful and they hated me, that's for sure. And so I zoned in on her and oh, and I thought she might be a lesbian because of the hair. It was like shaved. So automatically if you had short hair as a woman was like, you're gay. You know, that's not true.

So. So I was like, yeah, OK, So, you know, if the whole sponsorship thing doesn't work out,

you know, since she had what I wanted, you know,

I was like, all right, So I decided to ask her and, and I went up to her. I was like, will you be my sponsor? And she said no,

it was awful. And she was like, no, but I have, it's because I'm leaving for Australia tomorrow for a month. So here's this woman, I sponsor her and she's great. There's this woman. I was like, she's not gay, You know,

I really, I did. I lost interest after that, but

I, I got her number and you know, it was cool. They didn't send me off with just the number. They sat down with me outside of this coffee shop for hours and they talked to me, to me about alcoholism. This girl that they had just met. They took hours out of their awesome full lives to sit down with this pathetic

excuse for a human being. Really. And they explained to me about alcoholism. I remember it so clearly, like Sarah and me sitting on this bench and I'm looking at my shoes that weren't mine

and, and her just talking about alcoholism, alcoholism in the bedevilments and all that stuff. And, you know, it was, I don't honestly remember exactly what was said, but I remember relating and relating, relating. And then like, so you think you're an alcoholic? I'm like, Nah, yeah. And and they're like, all right, you know what? We've told you everything we know about alcoholism. Emily, why don't you go out and try some controlled drinking, like go to the bar, you know? And I was like, well, there's an experiment. I can't, I can't drink at bars. I'm not of age yet.

And they're like, where do you drink? At my house.

Oh, OK. So the experiment to find out whether or not you're an alcoholic, go to your house

and have like, you know, hang out with your friends, whatever you do. And I was like, well, I don't really drink with my friends. And they're like, do you drink at home alone in your room? I was like, Yep. And they're like, So the experiment to find out

whether or not you're an alcoholic,

go home to your room alone where you usually drink,

have one or two and then stop and see what happens and try that a couple times. And, and just the thought of doing that shot terror down my spine because I knew I never was going to drink like that. I never drank like that. I was never going to drink like that. And then just the thought of drinking like that made me angry, you know?

So I knew then. And, you know, there's a part in the book where it talks about how the idea that I can drink like another person has to be smashed. I remember that moment. And that has not left me to this day. Thank God that they didn't sugarcoat this. And like, we'll keep coming back. See, if you hear your story,

they're like, you don't think you're an alcoholic. You've related on those points. Go see, you know, and, and I think that was that was very bold of them to do, but it worked out in my case because I remember that moment so vividly. Nothing else about the rest of that night. And except for the fact that I knew that I was an alcoholic. And that hasn't left me in six years, you know,

so, so there I was. I was an alcoholic and they didn't, they didn't paint a pretty picture about it, you know, and I never do with my sponsees like you're doomed if you're an alcoholic, you know, and it's, it's torture to say that to somebody if you don't have a solution to follow it up, to back it up, you know, So they said you are doomed and you can try this. This has worked for us, you know, and I believe them because they told me their stories and I, I knew that they got what I, what I

had on the inside. And so I, I have the sponsor now and I go home and I have a little bit of hope in my heart,

um, because I think, all right, well, maybe this will work. You know, I'm still not all about the God thing. That's weird and I hate that. But I went home and I hope in my heart I took a shower for the first time in probably a week because I was alone a lot. So why shower? And

and so I take a shower and feeling all right, and then I and I come out and I hear my my some guy that I can get stuff from very easily. His voice coming down the hall. And I remember I lived in a place that you could get anything, anytime, any day.

So I come out and I run into my room and I lock the door and I'm like, oh, and that thing

not feeling and umm, I call this guy who I had met in a A and I'm like, hey, there's this guy and I know I just want one. And I called him to get permission. He was like, well, you have sponsor tonight, right? I was like, yeah, he's like call her Click.

I just met her, you know, I couldn't call her and but I did and I called her to get permission. I was like, I was like, listen, I just need one and we'll get started on the step stuff tomorrow.

And and so I called to get permission and I explained to her like, listen, you know, they I'm an alcoholic, you're an alcoholic. I just need one

Nandita. And you know, I'm crying and it's like this big emotional scene because really like the the obsessions on me. I, I knew,

I knew what I needed, you know, I knew what I needed to feel OK. And I thought I did. And so I'm explaining this to her and she's like, well, Emily, I can't, you can do what you want. I don't can't stop you. I was like, you're my a sponsor. You got to be able to do something, you know. So she was like, well, what I do in this, in your situation is I pray

one of those, you know, excuse, you know, I don't need a prayer. I need a Xanax, you know,

So you know, And I said that to her. I was like, I don't need to pray. You're a Christian weirdo. You hate me. Like, no. And and I don't need prayer. I need Xanax. She was like, think of it as a spiritual Xanax.

I swear to God I might not have prayed had she not said that. It was like,

it'll do that, you know,

so and you know, and I still put up a fight and I was like this stupid and blah, blah, blah. And really the the last, you know, sort of nail in the coffin was, well, Emily, you know what, what do you have to lose?

So so we opened the book to page 63 and my fresh new book and we said the third step prayer together. And I'm sobbing. I don't think it's going to work. And this crazy and and I say this prayer with her and, and I felt better at the end of it.