The Live the Spirit Retreat in Chestnut Ridge, WV

Oh man, I'm Bruce Macisaac. I am an alcoholic

and it's always exciting for me to do anything for Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm glad Neil called and asked me to come down here and speak. I've heard about this conference ever since it got started, but I've never been here and and I've always wanted to and so now I am.

I forgot my socks.

I'm wearing my wife socks.

That's my God has a sense of humor and he knows how to keep me humble.

I So there's that. I talked to Skip before we got started. You have to excuse me, I have a little cold here,

but I asked him how long he wanted me to talk. So I guess I'm going to tell you a little bit about what it was like

and then we're going to break for lunch.

Now the last time Skip called me to come speak for him, he said

he was kind of stock. He needed a speaker for Uniontown and I said, well, I mean Indiana and I meant the state of Indiana. I drive a truck for a living. He said, oh, well, never mind. I said, wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm coming back into town tonight. Let me I had a date with my my wife is sitting back there. Beth, wonderful member of a a she helps a lot of women. Thank you, Beth. And

so let me call her. I'm supposed to have a date with her. She's alright with it. We'll come up down and and that was a lot of fun

from the very start. For me. Alcoholics Anonymously Exciting.

I don't know about anybody else. The only drunk I really know about is me and.

I was absolutely hopeless and helpless the day before I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous,

and

I got there. I'll tell you a little bit more about it as we go along here. But I got there

and

your room about this, I made a little smaller than this. There's about 40 or 50 people in there and I'm all dressed up in a three piece corridor, a suit. Because,

you know, I didn't have any ego or anything like that,

but I didn't know what you wore to one of these things. And I, I didn't want you to think you know, some drunk or something.

I

so I showed up there and, and here in at the front table. I thought this guy was president of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was a guy I hadn't seen in a couple years. He's drink with him quite a bit and he shouts out over the top of heads of 40 people. Bruce, how you doing? It's about time you made it in here.

I wondered where he'd been. I hadn't seen him in a couple years. I never went looking for him.

Kind of the way we drunk too, you know? I've been sober six months. I was walking down the Main St. in my own town. Now I've been so over six months, this guy comes walking out of a bar. I used to drink it all the time, said Bruce. How you doing? I haven't seen you in a couple weeks.

Six months ago, dude.

That's how it was when I was drinking. You know,

Time just went, I don't know. I was in the same bar stool, in the same bar, night after night after night. And

seasons changed, I guess. I don't know. I didn't really look outside that much.

I

tell you a little bit about my first drunk. There's there's two drunks I really like to talk about my first one and my last one because the ones in the middle are all kind of a blur. And if you didn't know how to drink unsuccessfully, you probably wouldn't be here. So

you know how to how the grain can fall down and stumble and puke. And any pukers in here?

I was a puker. Oh I love the puke. Only thing I can't do as well sober as I could drunk is puke.

Anyway, I was 12 years old.

I grew up out in the middle of nowhere outside of a little town called Punxsutawney, PA. I live there again now with my wife. We moved back there a couple years ago.

My closest friend was a quarter mile down the road and he was four years older than I was. And

I just didn't have a clue. You know, I, I plopped down on this planet and it seemed to me like all of you had gotten an odor's manual and you've read it and, you know, you've been at the big stadium meeting with God before all the children are born. And he told you, this is how you go to kindergarten and play in the sandbox and get along with everybody else. And, and, and just as he got done saying, and now you know all about life, I came back out of the bathroom.

So I kind of got here on this while I was born feet first, they tell me. So, you know, it shows you I didn't want to face reality from the very beginning.

And

I'm wandering around and, and you all seem like you know how to get along with each other and, and have stuff to talk about and, and games to play and you knew what the rules were. And I just didn't have a clue.

And when I was 12 years old, my friend

said he and the other neighbor kids had gotten that case beer and they were going to sleep out in the neighbor's barn and drink it. And what I like to come along?

Well, it took me a couple hours to convince my parents that sleeping out up at De Anthony's farm would be a good idea,

and I finally promised my dad I'd do something for him the next day. I couldn't tell you what it was, but if he'd let me go. So they let me go

and

got there and they had a case of 16 oz Colt 45 malt liquor.

I I was a curious child. I didn't know what this stuff did. I had seen people drink because my parents had a party every New Year's Eve

and, you know, I saw my mother drink a little bit. My dad never did. And

guys curious and I got my hands on that Colt 45 malt liquor and I took a big drink of it and it didn't taste like soda pop like I was expecting.

But I drank a little more and a little more. And

before I got halfway through that can, I was amazed. I knew a new freedom and a new happiness.

I didn't even regret the path.

Here are people in economic insecurity just left me

and I suddenly realized that Colt 45 mold liquor could do for me what I couldn't do for myself.

It was it was magic. I don't know how to describe it unless, and you probably have or you wouldn't be sitting in here, but unless you know that insecurity and that fear and that terror and just

be afraid of people all the time and to have that go like that,

just miraculous. And I knew one thing and that thing was I wanted more. And I don't just mean the rest of what was in that camp. I wanted more.

People used to say, don't you think you've had enough? I want too much. What do you mean enough?

So I did I I was supposed to get three cans of beer that night and there was somehow there were two leftover and I had my 3:00,

the two leftover and half of my buddies

where the big book talks about the phenomenon of craving.

I didn't know it when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous. It wasn't till I've been sober for a little while, but I can remember that day and I remember that feeling and I had that feeling every time I drank. And that feeling was, I want more, you know, people I love and care about. I push them out of the way to get another drink.

I was kind. I just walk away. You know, I go out with a group of friends, and halfway through the night, I just disappear. And they didn't know where I went. Most of the time I didn't know where I went.

I found out where I ended up, but

that's just the way I drank now. I didn't start off with just daily drinker at the age of 12. As a matter of fact, the next day,

these guys, as I said, they were older, they were neighbor kids and it's a small farming area. Everybody knows everybody and and they don't want to get in trouble,

so they're trying to keep me from getting sick and they made me puke that night. That's when I got my start on my puking career

and the next morning I was just green sit. Oh God, I've never been that sick in my life and these guys are giving me raw eggs and alka seltzer to drink

before I go home.

I didn't ever want to be that sick again. I went home and I couldn't do what it was I was supposed to do to help my dad. I went to bed and I stayed there all day.

About 5:00,

Dad comes in my room. He says,

Grace, how much did you have to drink last night? And there was no point in lying about it. You know, he, he had me. So I told him and he said, Bruce, you ever going to do that again?

And I meant this. I meant it as sincerely that time as any other time I ever said it. And I said, no, not as long as I live. I'm never going to drink again

and I didn't for a while,

a couple of years I guess. But in the meantime my mother had cancer from the time I was seven and she died when I was 14. And just before she died, my older brother had come over and he was looking after us while she was in the hospital for the last time.

And he had this Kodak film container,

Gray with a black captain

inside. It was this green leafy substance

as Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm a drunk. I'm gonna talk about being a drunk, but

but I was a curious child and and we filled the pipe up and smoked some of that green leafy stuff and. And again the magic happened

and I wasn't sick the next day, so I pursued that with all the vigor of a drowning man

for the next several years.

My mother died. We left the country and moved to the city and moved to Pittsburgh and

went to a private high school for drug addicts.

My dad didn't know that. I don't think he did enrolled.

He didn't know the truth but

I

as it turned out all the kids that went there have been kicked out of every decent school in the city of Pittsburgh.

And and one day I was at a friends house and we didn't have anything to smoke. And he said well let's let's mix up some screwdrivers. My daddy got some vodka, we'll make mix up some Tang and and we'll drink that. I said no I don't want to do that, I'll get sick. He said oh come on. I said, OK,

I was right. I was sick the next day and I had this little job at the school I went to where I'd run the elevator in the morning and

who's an inaugurated elevator? And above our school was a Wheeler School for business for girls.

So I'm running this elevator and I'm sick. And the thing goes like this, you know,

And these girls are getting in with all his perfume and stuff. Oh God,

when I realized that day was that if you're going to drink, that's part of it. And I accepted

sickness as a part of great and it was OK. Let me to get that feeling of peace and and comfort and ease to the the big book talks about that comes from taking a few drinks

at that time. That was the price I had to pay and it was worth it. And as my drinking went on, the price got greater and greater and greater and it was always worth it. It's always worth it because, you know, if you'd ask me what serenity I just said

two to five minutes, 20 minutes into by drinking,

that's what it was. That's when I was at peace with the world and and

Click Roach talks about that.

I've always been able to identify with that.

So where was I? Oh yeah, I run in the elevator.

You know I can't drink Tang to this day.

Makes me nauseous.

I can't drink vodka anymore.

So I went on, you know, it went on. We drank. I drank and I drank and I did a lot of drugs, but but by the end of my drinking

drugs, most of them I let go 'cause they just got in the way of my drinking.

Griefer made me too paranoid

if I'd smoke a joint when I was drinking. That guy

couldn't talk to anybody and the booze didn't do what it was supposed to do, which was make me the life of the party.

I I've heard lots of lots of good talkers stand up behind these microphones and and tell stories about, you know, moving geographical cures to New York City and Los Angeles, Chicago, the Bahamas, halfway around the world. I went to places like York, PA and Binghamton, NY.

Binghamton, NY was my first geographical cure. That's

that's really when I switched over from drugs to alcohol. It's,

it was in the late 70s and they were cracking down on drugs and they were hard to get and booze. I could get anywhere in the drinking age was 18 and I was 18. And so I I made a career of it.

Somebody asked me to bar one time

to borrow some money. It's like Thursday or something and payday wasn't for another day. Pull the $10.00 bill out of my pocket and I said I'm sorry. That's all that stands between me and sobriety,

and that's the way I felt about it. You know,

play pool. I used to play pool.

If I had $2.00 in my pocket and we were playing for drinks, I couldn't lose. I couldn't lose. I'd stitch your ball and do anything. I cheat. I'd do anything.

If I had 20 bucks in my pocket. I couldn't win.

I just didn't have that kind of desperation, you know,

Desperation. That's a wonderful thing. Desperation.

Desperation saved my life.

Early on, I've already told you that

that booze was the only piece that I ever got and I didn't drink that long. I drank like 8-9 years. But toward the end of my drinking,

all I'd get was a blackout. And a blackout was good, you know, if I'd wake up and there'd be those four horsemen, tear, terror, fear, bewilderment, and whatever. The other one is

just ashamed of myself all the time. And

get a few drinks in me and I go into a blackout and I don't know if I cared or not, but I know I wasn't wasn't really conscious and and that was a good thing.

I kind of got the feeling

that my drinking was getting out of hand.

It wasn't possible for it to occur to me to stop drinking though, because that's the only thing that ever worked. What did occur to me plenty and often was not get as drunk as I got on a regular basis,

and I tried everything I could think of to do that. I tried everything to not get drunk except not drink.

My my favorite was drink coke until 11:00 because I had this theory that you couldn't get that drunk between 11:00 and 2:00. Well, you can, you just have to work at it

about,

oh I don't know, maybe 3-4 weeks before I

came to you wonderful folks, I had met this woman in a bar and I was bad for women too. That was my other thing. I

if you were nice to me and especially if you slept with me, that was it. I was in love this year forever.

I dropped out of college one time

to move in with this woman and her three kids because she came home with me one night.

About two weeks later,

she laughed and took over. This guy isn't in a truck to West Virginia and left him standing out in the rain somewhere waiting for for four hours.

But that's you know, that's how it was. If you were nice to me, I was in love because she see, I was always looking for something out here to make me OK in here. I didn't have any idea how to be OK in here.

I had terrible nightmares when I was a little kid and and I

stay awake as long as I could. Just 3-4 years old and I had this fantasy that I lived on this island and had a Dome over and nothing could ever get me and I had everything inside that I needed and I was there all by myself.

And that was what I thought was peace at four years old. And I don't know why because my parents loved me. I knew they loved me. I grew up in a, you know, middle class home. There was number of what abuse. Well, it was dysfunctional because I was in it, but

there was nothing really wrong there, you know, other than my mother being sick. There was nothing really wrong. And

so anyway, it just plain didn't occur to me to stop drinking

until it quit working. You know, it really just quit working.

I met this girl and

men are in a bar one night and I kind of liked her and she seemed to kind of like me and

we went out a couple times and

we're talking on the phone one day

and she by this time I'm I'm worried about my drinking. I really AM. And she she asked me this question. She said what do you think is fun and exciting to do?

And she had this whole list of stuff. You know,

I thought about that question for two days because I wanted to have all this stuff.

Only thing I could think of was drink. I mean, there was other stock fishing and camping and and bowling, but that was all just a reason to drink. Didn't have anything to do with the activity.

So I met her one night and she was a little late and I'm sitting at the bar

and I'm drinking whiskey and I'm trying not to get drunk before she shows up.

So I thought I'd just sip my drink, you know,

it wouldn't get back to the table,

sipping again. And then

she gets there and and we're talking. We had a good time and we're talking about going dance. And then I'm looking at my watch and it's 1:30

and I'm thinking, how am I gonna I gotta get rid of her.

I sent her on her way so I could finish the job.

Yeah, that was how, I don't know, late February, something like that. 1984.

Now I've told you I like women. I always have like women. I still like women. It's it's

that's my thing of whatever your thing is, I don't care. That's up to you. I don't. OK,

Saint Patrick's Day in 1984 was a Saturday as a full moon,

and I'm one of those who thinks stops just a little better on a full moon, you know? So. So Friday night I'm in training

some good Scotch Protestant, you know, So I got to keep up with the Irish Catholic holidays.

So, so I'm in training there Friday night and

230, they're trying to get us out of the bar and I'm sitting next to a guy that I drank with. You know, I, I knew him, I sat next to him many times and drank And he said, well, I got some whiskey over the house. Why don't you see if you can get some other people and come over to our house, my house, and we'll have a party?

Sounded like a good idea to me. So I staggered out of that bar, up the street, through the bar where my car was parked, saw a couple of women there and said, hey, you gotta go to the party.

For some reason they didn't want to,

so I went myself, you know? And

yeah, he did that whiskey.

If you come to Alcoholics Anonymous long enough, you guys will hear a story somewhere along the line about waking up next to Frankenstein Sister

I or you gal Frank's time himself.

I and I don't believe me, I don't ever want to offend anybody, but

Saint Patricks Day 1984 I woke up in bed with Frankenstein himself

and I knew it wasn't because there was another bed in the house.

Unfortunately, I didn't completely black out the night before.

I knew one thing

and and what I knew was I needed a drink and I needed it now

and I went and got one. I went and got several. I went, got many,

I remember the first two and the next thing I know it's 1:30 in the morning and I came to in a bar with a drink in my hand in the middle of a conversation. It's not the first time that it happened,

but it hadn't happened many times.

No idea where I'd been all day. No idea where what I'd been doing.

I happen to recognize the two people I was talking to. One was a girl I went to high school with and the other was my sister.

The reason my sister was there in the doctor's opinion it talks about sometime after a time the alcoholic can no longer differentiate the truth from the fall. My sister was there because apparently I've been thrown out of about 5 bars that day and I've called her from every one of them and yelled at her for calling the bartender before I got there. Tell him not to serve me.

She hadn't done that, but

I was sure she had, and I guess she'd gotten a little concerned and come out looking for me. I was one of I was also a great one for making phone calls at 4:00 in the morning.

Somebody I knew in kindergarten, you know,

Remember Me?

Anyway, she managed to Get Me Out of that bar. I I, I remember buying a six pack and with a check

in. In those days bars took checks. That was wonderful.

I used to say I found so many checks in my favorite bar and I when he caught me when the bartender called me on or the owner of the bar called me on it. I used to say I quit drinking for three weeks

was until I sobered up for a while. I realized I just quit drinking in that bar.

I go and give him a little money and then go down the street and

but anyway,

Saint Patrick's Day,

the next day we were supposed to have a birthday party for my sister. She dragged me out of there and I passed out at her house and

and I went the next day to my family home where we supposed to have a party for her

and I couldn't go. I was just as sick as I was the first day. I drank and I ended up in the same bed

was the first day I drank.

And for the next three days I couldn't do anything. I couldn't look at anybody. I was more ashamed of myself than I'd ever been. I was more alone and depressed. And

you know, before that I had always believed that the values that my parents taught me as a child took over when I was in a blackout. He kept me from doing anything

I wouldn't ordinarily do. And I wasn't true anymore.

And I was. It was obvious to me that I I'd do anything. I was capable of anything. And I was probably going to end up in jail one day,

not know why I was there.

You know, because of something I did in the blackout, have no idea and not be able to defend myself. And there I'd be for the rest of my life

when I got real depressed. One of the things that I've always done is right. And so I got out of notebook and I started writing

and I didn't know that was part of the program Alcoholics Anonymous. I just was writing and I I wrote down

my resentments about my mother's death and I wrote down

some other stuff

and I got around to

what to do with me.

And it seemed to me, you know, we here in this program a lot about the moment of clarity. And I had my moment.

It seemed black and white, clear to me that there were two things I could do. One was

move to California, not tell anybody where I was going, get a job in the pornography industry and good guys after that,

and that seemed like a good idea.

Then there's other thoughts struck me and what struck me was never drink again as long as you live. And that seemed like a real stupid idea.

And right behind that thought came another thought. And the next thought was you can't never drink again.

As soon as you feel better and you will feel better someday.

As soon as you feel better, you'll drinking it. And I knew that

well as only my own name. Just knew it. Deep down in my soul, I knew it.

Four years earlier, my father had been dating a woman from Alcoholics Anonymous, and one day I sat her down and made me tell her all about what it was like to be a drunk, just in case I ever needed to know.

She didn't sound anything like me, you know. She had hide her bottle not shared with anybody drinking the morning before she went to work.

And, uh,

but she had planted a seed in my head

and what I did, I was writing all this stuff down in the notebook and, and what I did was I wrote a little prayer

and all the prayer said was Lord, I must have some direction.

And I didn't believe in God. God and I parted company when my mother died.

Wasn't a conscious thing. It's just what happened.

But the next day, the phone was in my hand. I was dialing Alcoholics Anonymous.

Guy answered the phone, he said. I guess it was a woman answered the phone.

She did Alcoholics Anonymous. I said yeah, I think I want to go to one of your meetings. Said well, they're all closed,

so give me your number. I'll have somebody call you back. So I

some organization, this turns out to be

10 minutes later this guy calls me back and he said you have a problem with your drinking. And I said, yeah, I think I want to go to one of your meetings.

He told me where it was. I said, you want me to come pick you up? Being as humble as Hitler, I said no, I'll get there under my own steam.

So the meeting was at 8530 in the afternoon. I'm getting dressed up in my three piece corner.

I had $10 in my pocket.

I had a Gremlin. Remember those AMC Gremlin had a string running out through the window to pull windshield wipers?

The time I got rid of that car, it had a purple door. The rest of it was green,

but it was a car and I'm I'm driving it 20 miles to my house to where the meeting was.

The whole time in there I'm thinking, well, you really want to go to this meeting or I have $10 in my pocket. You want to go get a drink already,

Said Bruce.

Go to the meeting. If you really don't like it, you don't ever have to go back.

So I went to the meeting and as I already told you, my friend was a president of Alcoholics Anonymous during the front.

And as soon as he said that, I felt at home, you know,

and I, I did. I I'm one of those.

I was so desperate

and I was so fortunate to come to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous where somebody that night told my story.

And he, you know, this guy,

the details were different, but he felt like I felt and he thought like I thought. And he made the same brilliant alcoholic decisions I made all the time,

and

he got to where I was that night in my life. And then he kept on drinking another 15 years and ended up living under a bridge, drinking out of a paper sack.

And God reached out through that man that night and touched my heart. And he said, Bruce, you can stop drinking right now if you want to,

or you can go on and end up right where this guy did.

And that was enough to set the hook.

It was enough to keep me coming back. And in my second meeting, somebody shoved that Big Blue book in my hand.

Actually, after that meeting was over, I'll tell you this one, I really want to get sober.

I after that meeting was over, another guy went to high school with got like right up in my face and he said for 90 meetings go to 90 day or for 90 days go to 90 meetings. And I said something and he said for 90 days go to 90 meetings. And I said something else and he said for 90 days go to 90. This went on for like half an hour.

It's probably 5 minutes, but you know how we are,

he said. You be in my house tomorrow night. 730 told me where he lived. He did not give me his phone number, so I couldn't call him and tell him I wasn't coming.

It's at the hook. I went to meetings. I, I jumped into Outlook's Anonymous with both feet, and I'm so glad I did. I mean, I didn't have a clue. You know, I'm going to these meetings. We're talking about stairs and elevators. I don't know something,

but I knew that you were happy and you were comfortable and you were smiling and you were laughing and you were having a good time living life and I could tell you knew how to be yourself.

And that's what I wanted. That's why I drank. That's what I always wanted was just to be alright. Just being me. I didn't have a clue. Always thinking, always thinking about what you were thinking about me. And if I wasn't thinking about, if you weren't thinking about me, I was thinking about why you're not thinking about it.

And you know, I took that book home and I opened it up and I started reading and the doctor's opinion and, and the doctor's opinion was me. And then it said selfishness, self centeredness that we think is the root of our problem. And that was the root of my problem. And I knew that

I could see it.

And you had a cure for that. You had 12 simple steps, not easy, negative, but simple. And the directions were clear and they were written down in black and white. And you said all I have to do is follow these steps, take these actions, do these things, and I will get what you have and you'll be happy to show me how you got it.

And if I didn't want to quit drinking, that was my business. There was a door. You're not going to follow me around. You don't care.

You care if I if I care, you care. But if I don't care, you don't care. I mean, maybe you care. I know I care, but

but I'm not going to chase anybody. I've done that, you know, we've all done that. You get sober, you think it's the greatest thing in the world. You're pulling people off bar stools

and we get them here, but they eat the Donuts, drink the coffee and go get drunk. You know

what I did said in the book? Help other drunks. I had a gremlin full of drunks. They ate the doughnuts, drank the coffee and got drunk, but I stayed over.

I stayed over

if you can do a thing wrong in Alcoholics Anonymous, except drink. I've done it. I've been doing it lately. You know, I drive a truck for a living and

for a long time I drove cross country and I was out for 2-3 weeks at a time and I go to lots of meetings out on the road. And

then I was laid off for a while and I was at home and that was great because a sponsor of people and go to meetings every day. And, and this is in the last couple years I'm talking about and,

and that was great. And then I unemployment ran out. I had to go get a job and

now it's driving sleep and, and, and I it's not that I can't get to meetings, it's just that it's a big hassle. I got to stop somewhere, look them up, find a place I can park the truck. I don't hope the trailer go go to the meeting then. And I'm always in a hurry. You know, I'm always running behind. So, so I don't get to as many meetings. Now I'm getting to like two meetings a week and, and, and ask my wife. I get cranky on two meetings a week.

I get cranky when I'm not talking to guys and sponsoring guys and trying to be helpful and Alcoholics Anonymous,

so I'm so grateful you guys asked me down here to do something for a change.

There's nobody's fault. It's my fault, you know? I'm the one that's responsible for my own sobriety.

You know,

a lot of you in our part of the country, we got this thing they call drug court

where they're sending them to us all the time. You know,

once in a while we get one that stays sober. Once in a while we get one that really wants it and and that's wonderful. And you know, there's nothing like the magic and Alcoholics Anonymous when you get a guy or gal comes in looking like I looked when I got here.

There's no light, no light in their eyes or just dead.

Just an empty shell of a human being walking around

and you know, you get ahold of them sometimes, usually somebody else. But I get to watch once in a while to me, but not often.

And you talk to him and you show him that there's 12 simple steps. If they will take these actions and do these things, they come around and they start to make friends and Alcoholics Anonymous and they start to do the work and the light comes on in their eyes.

And I've had the chance to see the light come on in people's eyes,

like the light came on in my eye.

And that's the greatest gift we've ever been given. I don't know what you want more than that.

I have a beautiful wife. We have a nice home. She makes a nice home for us. I make it, you know, I make a few dollars. Not many enough to live on.

I don't need anything more.

And to see the joy in the face of an alcoholic who has learned that there's a way to live

just being themselves, just inside their own body, Uh,

having to impress anybody or do anything other than follow a few simple rules.

You gave me that,

and I'll be grateful for the rest of my life. Thank you very much.