The spiritual malady at the Men Among Men Groups's conference in Reykjavik, Iceland

Hi. Good afternoon. My name is Carl. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Carl.

And I love listening to Carrie. I just, I I gotta tell you, I, she talks to my alcoholic heart or my alcoholic soul, and it's because she's enthusiastic about Alcoholics Anonymous. And you don't need to be somebody in order to talk to my alcoholic soul or my alcoholic heart. You don't need to be, as well versed as she is and have a understanding like she does. But if anybody who is making an honest desire in their sharing to tell the truth about what they believe in Alcoholics Anonymous, it talks to me in a way that nobody else on the planet can talk to me.

It does something that that I crave. I wanna before I get going on what I wanna talk about, I wanna talk about, the big book as a whole. First of all, got a first edition for you, not to give to you, but just so that in between now and tonight, you can take a look at, at a first edition. It's the 21st printing printing. Just brought it with me to just because maybe there's not that many in Iceland.

They're somewhat common in the US and you can run across them at conventions and archives all over the place, but just thought I'd bring it so you can kind of take a look at it. Be a little bit careful and do not steal it, please. But but I I wanna talk about, every time that I've been here, whether it was before your old translation of the big book and your new translation of the big book, everybody says, and it was brought up again twice to me by people, that as I read certain things, today and or Carey was making reference to things that you have a different, even in the new translation that was done, I believe, in 2003, that there are subtle differences. And there's a danger in that, because the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is widely believed to be a divinely inspired book. And literary and spiritual experts define a divinely inspired book as the following, it must meet these two criteria to be labeled by literary experts and spiritual experts, and I don't know what either one of those really are, but there are people that claim that.

It must meet 2 criteria. 1, did the author at that time that the book was written have the ability to write this. And the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous was written mainly by Bill and approved and edited by the first 100, and they were all under 3 maybe Bill was close to 4 years sober by the time it was finished. I don't ever say this but my great grandfather sponsor says he even is very hesitant about getting into a car with somebody less than 5 years sober. So we can immediately claim Bill and the first hundred did not have the ability either as as, writers or having had the time to be on a spiritual journey long enough, to write such a book.

That speaks to 1,000,000. The second requirement to be thought of as a divinely inspired piece of literature is, does it say something different to you at different times of your life? Do the same sentences take on new meaning? Do the same paragraphs, the same pages, same chapters take on completely different meanings at different times in your life? And anyone who has been here in Alcoholics Anonymous for a while knows that you can be studying the book and studying the book and and think you really know it, and 5 years later, you're going through the exact same couple of paragraphs and you go, I've never seen that before.

That never who did somebody change the book? Right? How many people have had that experience? Absolutely. So other divinely inspired books by by, literary experts and spiritual experts, one would be the bible, the Torah, the Koran, they all say they meet these criteria.

And over the years, there have been numerous translations, and I'll just use the bible as an expert because I don't know about translations of the Torah and the Koran, but there have been numerous translations through the year, years of the bible. And no matter if you're going to be translating something a divinely inspired book, it means we are reading what the person at that time in their life, and even if they are a sober alcoholic, reading what they were perceiving at that time, not the exact and little words like and and or or just they decided that this word means this to them can completely change the meaning for you. All I'm encouraging you to do, because you as Icelanders and you guys, what is it? If you have a high school diploma, you know 3 languages minimum. Yes.

If you get a college degree, you might know 7 or 9 for God's sake, but all of you know English very, very well. And I would strongly encourage you to be cross referencing to the English big book on a regular basis and maybe even make that your primary source of of of Alcoholics Anonymous and your Icelandic version, your secondary source. Just an encouragement. It's not saying you have to, just an encouragement that you really read what was originally written by somebody who couldn't have written it. Right?

So I'm gonna try to scoot through and touch on a bunch of different stuff and I'm not even sure how far I'm gonna get or where I'm gonna go, but we're just going to have fun. I'm gonna talk a little bit about the spirituality. I described to you last night allergy to body, obsession to mind. I cannot drink successfully. I cannot on my own not drink successfully, And that is my mental and physical relationship to alcohol.

I also have a spiritual connection to alcohol, a deep and profound spiritual connection to alcohol. And I could not have described that to you until the year 2000 and that meant I was already 13 years sober. I would have tried to, but I couldn't And I had one of these experiences that just sort of, like, blew me away. And it happened actually on the second leg of the trip when I first came to Iceland and met you people, and that was a profound experience in my life in 2000 when I first came and accidentally stumbled into the yellow house and you guys all thought I was new, some Icelandic guy that was new and, you know, did what you do and tried to 12 step me. Literally, that's the that's the way you initially, treated me and it was wonderful.

Wonderful. But after that that 8 days, when I came with my mother, we went down to the south of France to meet my brother and his his wife and his kids. Right? They were they they were staying in a villa in the south of France for the summer. Remember, some of the first 200, employees of Microsoft, that explains that kind of living.

Right? And they had nannies and stuff for the summer. And one of the nights that we were there, my brother said, mom, let's all 4 of us, meaning his wife and him and me, my mother, will have the nannies watch the kids and we will go out for a 13 course French meal. It's like, absolutely. And Carl they serve wine so you're driving.

Right? So because I'm going to be the sober one, I'm going to drive. So I we drive and we go to this at least a 1000 year old French chateau in the countryside and we're out in this courtyard and they start serving each course of this 13 course meal. And if you've ever had one of these, with each course they bring a small little glass of wine and the maitre d' or the waiter will give you a a description of the vineyard that this wine came from, the family behind the vineyard, and the history of the family. All very interesting.

And they bring it with each little glass of wine supposed to match. Apparently you're supposed to match food with wine. I'm not aware of this really but right? There's a certain kind of wine you're supposed to have with each certain kind of food. This I was learning this.

Right? But they're very little glasses. I mean, just little. And my brother and his wife were indeed if there's ever an appropriate place to drink a little extra, alcoholic or not alcoholic, this is the place. Right?

I mean, what a once in a lifetime experience and indeed my brother and his wife were having a good time and and trying these. And if they liked one of them, they would tell the waiter, oh, we'd like to try another one of those and tell us that story again. Right there. And they're having a little extra. Right?

Me, I'm I'm 13 years sober at the time so I'm trying all the diet cokes of the region. And I was asking the waiter got a story about this at all and no, no story. But my mother, if there's ever a non addictive personality on the planet, it's her. None. I mean, it's just really bizarre.

Never. Not none of any type. After about 2, she was she had been served her 3rd very small glass of wine. She tells the waiter, no more for me. And I was like, mom, come on.

I'm driving. Look at this. I mean, we're sitting out here in this beautiful courtyard in the string quartet playing, and we're here. I'm driving. Have a little more.

And she goes, no. I don't like the way it makes me feel. And I should have left well enough alone. I should have just said, okay. But it really piqued my interest because it was a very, very strange thing to say.

So I said, how does it make you feel? And she said, as you said, Carl, I'm here at a once in a lifetime experience. I'm looking at the beautiful colors of the countryside. I'm listening to an incredible string quartet, and I'm here with 4 of the peep 3 of the other other people that I love the most, and I'm having a wonderful conversation with you. And if I drink a little bit too much, the colors start to get blurry and dull.

The music starts to sound shallow and off in the distance. And I can't connect in conversation with you. Do you hear this? She's just described the exact opposite relationship to alcohol than I have. Because what she's saying in is oven by herself, she can see the colors of life.

She can hear the music and she can connect with people she loves. She adds a little alcohol and it all gets dull and blurry and sloppy. Me, oven by myself, I cannot see the colors of life. I can't hear the music and you're really goddamn boring. I add alcohol and somewhere between the 3rd to 5th drink, the colors come alive.

The music. Oh, I'll tell you where that cello was made whether I know or not. And you become very interesting, but not as interesting as me. This is that's it. That is why I will go to the gates of insanity or death behind this, because you see, I don't drink to escape feelings.

I drink to feel in the first place, and nobody but an alcoholic can understand this. This is why they stand off on the sidelines and go, what? How could you do this again? And from the depths of my soul, I'm going, if you knew how I felt when I wasn't drinking, you wouldn't ask me. You wouldn't ask me why I do it.

And that's been my problem. My biggest problem also has always been how to get you happy with me and me happy at the same time. I was never able to put those two things together. You see, when I'm happy, which meant I was somewhere between the 3rd 5th drink, you were freaking out. Oh, no.

Not again. No. No. No. Alright.

We're out of here. We're going to jail if we stay around you. Or you're angry angry. But when you're, like, hopeful and, oh, good, Carl. We love you.

I'm dying inside because you've taken alcohol away from me. I was never able to put those two things together where I am at peace and you're happy with me. I was never able to put those two things together until a significant time in Alcoholics Anonymous. And so this is what I believe that out the whole point of Alcoholics Anonymous is. It's to solve my spiritual malady.

And my spiritual malady is I cannot see the colors of life, I can't hear the music of life, and I can't connect with you in any meaningful way, shape, or form. And Alcoholics Anonymous is all about awakening this dead spirit. That what I've just described is the symptom of a dead spirit, that thing that makes us us, who you really are. Mine was dead. I needed to have a spiritual awakening, a spiritual experience significant enough to awaken and bring alive that which is me, that thing that is me.

To be able to see the colors of life, hear the music of life and connect with you in a deep and meaningful way. So I propose to you that Alcoholics Anonymous does nothing about if we put the the disease of alcoholism into 3 columns. If I had a power point I would do this or this blackboard. In column number 1 is the allergy. Allergy of the body, the physical symptom of alcoholism.

In column 2, I have mental obsession. Strange mental blank spot. Mental obsession, best way I can describe it is at 9 AM 9 AM it was a bad idea to take a drink, nothing significant happens and at 3 PM it's a good idea. The book describes that as a strange mental blank spot. I am completely susceptible to that.

And in column 3, I have the spiritual malady. And it's my proposition to you that Alcoholics Anonymous does nothing about column 1. It will do nothing about the fact that I crave when I drink. I propose to you that Alcoholics Anonymous does nothing about column 2 directly. It's my proposition to you that Alcoholics Anonymous is completely about column 3.

Solve the spiritual malady, awaken my spirit, I am no longer susceptible to the mental obsession, the strange mental blank spot which renders column 1 a moot point. Because if I don't take the first drink, who cares that I'm allergic? Who cares that I crave? Right? And so my whole goal in Alcoholics Anonymous is to work on column 3.

And how did that happen in my life? How did that happen? First thing is I had to surrender to the fact of what I just described. I can't drink successfully. I cannot, on my own, not drink successfully, and I'm spiritually sick.

I have to accept that at the depths of my soul at the when they say we had to admit to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic, It means that I it has to reach my subconscious. Here's a symptom, not always true, but I like to say this way. How many people have had drinking and using dreams? Where you wake up in the dream, you're drinking and you wake up, oh. Right?

And you're ever so grateful, usually, if you're on the right path that, woah, it's just a dream. What do dreams deal with? It's our subconscious. I like to challenge you that it actually this is a symptom if you're getting a drinking and using dream. It might have just reached your subconscious, because that's what dreams deal with is the subconscious.

What am I wrestling with? And it may be a profoundly positive sign that you are dreaming about this. Because did you ever dream about it when you were loaded? No. No.

It's when you were sober or trying to get sober that you get these. It may have reached your subconscious. Not always true in every case, but it it can be a very positive thing, not a negative experience. I need to completely surrender to that. Okay.

If I have no power when I'm drinking because of the physical allergy, and I have no power when on my own I'm not drinking because of the mental obsession, and I seem to be unable to solve my spirituality, what must be my solution? If I'm powerless, what must be my solution? If I'm homeless, what must be my solution? A home. But you can't just walk up to the homeless guy.

You guys got homeless people in Iceland? Not really, You can't just walk up and say, Hey! Get a house! However, if you have previously been homeless and you now have found out how to get a house, you could walk up to that person and say, tired of living on the street? I got a solution.

And what I did was I if in the US this is what you need to do, I went down and bring the person and we stand in a line for 4 and a half hours to talk to the first clerk type person at a state or county office. You then go over and stand in another line for about another 4 hours, then you have to wait then they put you into some sort of temporary housing if you qualify, and then you have to keep doing a whole bunch of work and forms and do this work and do this work, and you can actually walk a homeless per a willing homeless person through the system to where they get it get into what we call section 8 housing, where they actually have a house. You can walk them through the process by which to get there. You can't just say, hey, homeless guy, get a house. You just go, uh-oh.

Right? But you can walk a willing person through, and this is exactly what Alcoholics Anonymous did with me, As they said, hey, powerless guy, I found a power sufficient to solve alcoholism. Walk with me. The first thing that the book is asking me to do here is it's it's the essence of step 2. It's in WE agnostics and it's so simple we so often miss it, but it's it's the essence of step 2.

It's on page 47 in the English version, middle paragraph. We needed to ask ourselves but one short question, Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a power greater than myself? Notice it does not say, what are your spiritual ideas? Can you define God sufficiently for us that we would believe that you know what you're talking about when you are mentioning God? What were you raised with?

And where do you want to go? What spiritual dogmas have you read or what do you have in your mind? It doesn't say anything of the sort. It says we needed to ask ourselves but one short question. Do I now believe or am I even willing to believe?

Which means the answer to the question is, I'm not really sure, but I guess so. It can be that simple. And the very next sentence is a very powerful statement. As soon as a man can say that he does believe or is willing to believe, We emphatically assure him he he's on his way. Notice that they don't say we hesitantly, we're not really sure based upon our experience, we're still thinking about it.

It says we emphatically, with much enthusiasm and conviction, we assure you, you are on your way. Move forward. The only time that we want to stop here is if somebody says completely unwilling, there is no power grade in myself, and I'm only willing to believe that person if they can actually define their atheism to my satisfaction. Otherwise, I go, you're not even an atheist. Because to be a true atheist, you need to be able to enter a conversation where you can prove there is no God in your life.

And most people that claim that, they don't even know who Frederick Nietzsche is to be able to even use that as one of the great historical correlations to there is no God. They just go, oh, well, you know, You know, I don't believe this stuff. Uh-huh. Well, then what you are is a chicken shit agnostic is what you are. Right?

So 99% of the people that I work with say, yeah, I'm I believe. I'm even willing to believe. Right? I'm certainly willing to believe. Move forward.

Move forward. Let's not hesitate. And here's the reason that I don't like to hesitate when taking somebody through the steps the first time, because my only my only job as their sponsor is to get them through the steps and acknowledge enough of the steps and to be able to take enough, have an experience with each step sufficiently to do the following, to be able to take somebody else through the steps. My job as a sponsor is to teach you to be a sponsor. That's my that's when Alcoholics Anonymous happens between me and you.

Prior to that, the only one that's getting any benefit out of this is me. My job as a sponsor is to teach you to be a sponsor, because that's where you're going to find the magic of Alcoholics Anonymous. Here's a symptom of when I know that Alcoholics Anonymous is transferred between me and another another guy, is when the phone calls that with the new guy that I'm working with, Hey, Hey, sponsor. I've got this problem, this problem, and this problem, and problem number 3 has subset a, b, and c, and I need answers. Please help.

When the phone calls change from that to this is when I feel Alcoholics Anonymous has actually happened between me and another guy. Hey sponsor, I met this new guy at the meeting last week. I've been talking to him every day. He has this problem, this problem, and this problem, and I wanted to check with you about what I'm about to give him as advice so that I could just feel more comfortable in giving him the advice. Boom.

He is now more concerned about somebody else than he is his own self. That's when the magic of Alcoholics Anonymous happens, Not before in my experience. So, wanna move forward. Wanna move forward. Be able to get people through the steps.

So, right at the end of what I was talking about on the in the last session were the a, b, and c's, and c that God couldn't would have sought. Right? And that's when you wake up at the beginning of the meeting and go, oh, meeting story. The very next sentence says, being convinced we were at step 3, which is that we decided to turn our will and life over to the care of God as we understood him, just that what do we mean by that and just what do we do? Man, for a long time in my early sobriety, even after technically working step 3, if I could have been honest, I would have sat in the meeting, and I would have stood up whenever I people would read the, the chapter 5, and and and they would go 3.

Came to, made a decision to turn my will our will and our life over the care of god as we understood him. I would have wanted to stand up. What do you mean and just what do I do? Because to me, that initially seemed like sort of like the sprinkling of some water on you. You know?

I found God. I didn't understand it's extremely practical. And what I'm gonna do may be but I'm gonna reword step 3, because it's my belief that my will and my because I need to have something tangible. Will and life are intangible words. I don't know how to grab a hold of them.

Try this, Go to the local recovery house, go up there late at night just before some guy with about 4 months goes to bed and say, hey, your life depends on your answer to this question. Were you living in the essence of step 3 today? Come on. He's gonna go, I don't know. Or he's gonna say something he heard in a meeting, But he's not gonna be able to look you back in the eye and say, yes.

Or look you in the eye and say, absolutely not. And it's important. It's important that he'd be able to look you back in the eye and say one or the other. Because those words are intangible. How do I know if I've turned my will and my life over to the care of God?

Let's look at what my will is. Let's look at what my life is. I think I will take a drink of water. I think I will take a drink of water. If you're listening on a CD, I'm just sitting here.

I'm not reaching for any water. I think I will take a drink of water. I've just changed my life. You might think negligibly, but let's extrapolate this out. Do you guys know what extrapolate?

Let's bring this out into the bigger picture. Let's say, boom, right now, no water in Iceland. Done. Massive drought, you can't get any water. There's no way to get any more water from this second forward.

I'm going to live approximately 9 hours more than you. That would be huge. That would have been that action that I took would have been life changing because in that 9 hours, maybe a glacier would melt and, more water would come down. Right? So it could have been a massive change in in in the outcome of my life, seemingly neg negligible.

So my will is just my thinking. I think I will. I think I will. I I will. Yeah.

Plan to. I think so. That's just what my will is. My life is the sum total of the actions that I've taken so far. That's what my life is.

My life is simply the sum total of the actions that I've taken. I can't seem to be so let's change the wording of step 3, made a decision to turn my thinking and my actions over to the care of God as I understand them. Ever been able to easily control your thinking? I know that there are some spiritual ideas now where where you can do that, but if you're brand new in Alcoholics Anonymous, I guarantee you, you are not able to control your thinking. You're sitting there trying to behave in front your sponsor and some good looking girl walks by and you're like and you do not want and if you had your thoughts broadcast out onto the Internet, you would be quite embarrassed.

Right? And you aren't able to control that. It just happens. And if your, you know, if your sponsor knows you well enough, he'd say, hey. We're having a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous here.

Right? And he'll snap you back and, oh, okay. Right? So let's throw out for now thinking and reword step 3 again. Made a decision to turn my actions over to the care of God as I understood them.

Made a decision to turn my actions over to the care of god as I understand him. Now, if I'm a newly sober alcoholic and I'm looking for a place to turn my actions over to that represents the care of God, because it's, again, intangible. Oh, turn my action turn my actions over to the care of God. I need something concrete that at the end of the night, if I'm in a recovery house and some guy from a comes in, were you living in the essence of step 3? I'm gonna be able to turn back and say, yes, or no, and look you in the eye and mean it.

So I need to find a place as a newly sober alcoholic. I need to find a place to turn my actions over to that represents the care of God. Right? Here's, like, what I mean. Well, let me tell you why I think this first.

It's my belief and you may think this is kind of bizarre. It's my belief that Alcoholics Anonymous is 75a half years old. Yeah. 75 and maybe more. Okay.

That approximately 76 years ago, all up there in the great meeting in the sky that's what I like to call it, the big meeting in the sky. I've often wondered when, like, Chuck Chamberlain, Norm Alpi or when Clancy dies and they go to the big meeting in the sky, Do they speak that night or do they have to make coffee for a year? I'm not really sure. I'm not really sure. But up there in in wherever it is that we go, about 76 years ago, in late 33, early 34, It's my belief that all of the great spiritual leaders that have ever been on the planet had a meeting.

The enlightened one was there. I mean, Gandhi. They're all just there. They're all there Gandhi, they're all just there. They're all there and they got together and they go, do you guys believe this?

Look at this. Look it down on that planet. We have given mankind a 100 different methods by which to find God. And look at these alcoholics. They're dying in the gutter, dying in the prison, everybody is weeping, and we have given them hundreds of way ways to find god.

We need to take a vote. Do we really need to give them their own unique pathway to God? And they debated and they debated. While they were debating I I think that Gandhi threw in, well, if we do I believe that part of this solution that we're gonna give them will have to be that they incessantly talk about themselves. So they took a vote and they said, yep.

Okay. We'll do it. And so they found this stock speculator and this proctologist. My late sponsor, Eddie Cochran, calls that odds and ends. Right?

And they gave us our own specific pathway to God, pathway to solve the spiritual malady of the alcoholic. If you look at the history of AA and look at it closely, you cannot deny anything but the powerful hand of god. Because if you look at the history of mankind and it just so happened that during this little clip on the screen, Silkworth was defining the problem. At the very same time, Carl Jung was extremely interested and found our solution. And just for a very short time, the Oxford Movement became popular.

Right? And it was gone. Yes. There's remnants of it around, but it's nothing compared to what it was at that time. And so Silkworth was as we all know, Alcoholics Anonymous is our problem, our solution, and the plan of action to bring about that solution.

Silkworth was defining our problem. Young knew our solution. Oxford Movement had a plan of action, but they didn't have each other. Right? Silkworth knew our problem but didn't know what the solution was.

He was quite baffled when Bill I mean, he goes, I don't know what it is, but better hang on to it. Right? He had our problem, but no solution. Jung had the solution, but he didn't really know what the problem was, nor did he have a plan of action. And the Oxford Movement had a plan of action, but they didn't know the problem and they didn't really know the solution.

But they had a plan of action they were using. And all of these three things converged in on Bill and Bob. There's no way other than to describe that if you look at the history of mankind, it's kind of like in Arnor's apartment. He's got this giant picture of the cosmos and a little dot that's human, Earth the planet Earth. And if you look at that same kind of thing as the immense history of mankind and it just so happened that in this little blip of the history, those three things happened at once.

There's no other way than to describe it than the loving hand of god. It can't be a coincidence. It cannot be a coincidence. So if I'm a newly sober alcoholic and I'm looking for a place to turn my actions over to that represent the care of God, where am I going to turn my actions over to? Alcoholics Anonymous.

It's kind of like I told you that I got divorced, about 3 years ago. We, after some fighting, and then we went to divorce counseling, which was even more important than our marriage counseling that failed. And I would strongly encourage anybody who goes through a divorce to go to divorce counseling. Where you have a mediator that actually interprets through the anger what you're actually trying to say. It was invaluable in us reaching this agreement.

My agreement was she will be the primary caretaker of the children. I get to see them whenever and whatever. No arguments as to when they're with me or when they're with her, but she's the primary caretaker. In exchange for no arguments over this, we When we got married, we bought this beautiful house right behind the 10th green at my country club where I golf. It's like a dream house.

Right? The agreement is that she gets to live there for 20 years, raise the children, and I pay all the bills. Right? I've been blessed financially in my life. I was able to do that.

So that's the agreement we've made. That house behind the 10th green at my country club, the heat in the house, the food in the house, the clothes in the house represent my care of my children. It's a physical manifestation of my love for my children. It represents the care of my children. Now every once in a while, not so much lately because I've had to work a lot, I travel a lot, but I might go up at daybreak to go with some guys that go off and tee off right at daybreak.

Great group of guys, and I'll go up to the clubhouse. But I in order to get to the country club, I have drive right by the house. And let's say at 6 AM on a winter morning now I know a winter morning in California is nothing compared to your winter mornings, but it's chilly at 6 AM. And let's say I'm driving by and I see my children out. They're naked in the driveway.

I would slam on the brakes. I'd run up to them and go, Madison, Ryan, what are you doing? They're, daddy, daddy, daddy, we're freezing. We're freezing. We're freezing.

And I'd look inside the window of the house, and I'd see my ex wife in there making some breakfast, clothes on the bed, heat's on, fire's going. And I would say, get back in the house. Get back in the house. Oh, but daddy, daddy my my my daughter would I've been struggling with some out the the the math at school. I'm doing really well in reading, but I'm and my son will go, and there's this girl at school.

She she's making fun of me. She's making fun of me, and I don't know what to do. I I and I'd say, we're not even gonna discuss that. Get back in the house. Once you're back in the house, we will discuss these other little problems that you have.

I firmly believe that that's what god is saying to us all the time when we are on the outskirts of AA or neglecting, sitting, taking our seat in our home group, not working with others, not doing our job in our home group, And then we pray to god, oh, god, my relationship life is falling apart. My job life, my my my job, I'm I'm struggling at work. God is saying, get back in the house, and then we will discuss these things. If I'm not in the house, anything else that I am claiming to do spiritually is null and void as far as I'm concerned because the core being of who I am is an alcoholic. The core being of my solution is the center of Alcoholics Anonymous.

It's then and only then that I get to have a relationship with my creator. Because what's God gonna say? What? You want me to give you, like, another gift that you're gonna ignore also? Right?

And so if I'm not in the center of Alcoholics Anonymous, everything else is just moot. So the very next thing is that the sound of what? Yeah. Alright. So if I'm going to turn my will in life over to the care of Alcoholics Anonymous, and now, now, if I'm in the center of alcoholics anonymous, it means I've gone I'm I'm going to meetings.

I've got a sponsor. I'm working steps. I'm learning to work with others. I have a commitment at my home group, which means if I'm not there, they they notice. Right?

So which I have because of the traveling, I have to they notice sometimes. But that's kind of the definition of a home group. When you're not there, they know you're not there because I'm regularly there. Those are the things that I have going in my life that keep me in the house. So now I can walk up to the brand new guy that's in the recovery home with 4 months and say, if he's got this going on in his life, he goes to meetings, he's got a sponsor, he's taking steps and he's learning to work with someone else.

And did you know that if you've got 4 months, you can work with others? Even if you're only scratching the surface of maybe getting into step 3. With 4 months, Carl? Oh, yes. You got a car?

You are so valuable in Alcoholics Anonymous. If you are uncomfortable taking the responsibility of carrying the message to somebody newer than yourself, then both of you get in the car and go to where the message is being carried, and you both get it. And you can be so overwhelmingly valuable to that brand new person that would not have gone had you not said, hey, get in the car. Let's both go. There's quite a saying around Alcoholics Anonymous that step 3 is really shut up and get in the car.

Right? So but what's what's my next action? I need to take step 4. I need to do a personal house house cleaning. I need to back up a little bit onto step 3 to to lead into step 4.

It's again, this is just a theory. I may change my mind a number of years from now, but right now, it's just a theory. And I've I've been like, you've probably you've been attacked where somebody comes up. I listened to a tape of yours, and you said this and this and this, and I strongly disagree. And I go, what year was that?

1998. And I go, I disagree with it too now. I'm sorry that's on a tape. They go, oh. Alright.

I need to look at this writing very I'm I'm gonna do it briefly, but I should look at it very closely as to what Bill and the first hundred were writing about when they when they say, the first requirement is that we be convinced that any life run on self will can hardly be a success. Notice the word any life. I do not believe they are talking about alcoholics here. They are talking about the human condition. On that basis, we're almost always in collision with something or somebody even though our motives are good.

Most people try to live by self propulsion. Again, describing the human condition, most people live by self propulsion, and they go on and and talk about the director and the actor and and then they go selfishness, self centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles, driven by driven by 100 forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking, and self pity. We step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Still talking about all of mankind. All you gotta do is turn on the news, and you will see people stepping on the toes of others and retaliating, making decisions based on self, selfishness and self centeredness.

If we look at the history of mankind, that is absolutely it. They bring it home to the alcoholic here. So our troubles, we think, are basically our own making, and they arise out of ourselves, still talking about the human condition, And the alcoholic is the extreme example of self will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. So the whole world has a spiritual malady. The whole world.

That's why people have have put together religions and spiritual quests and spiritual paths, because people at some point realize, I don't want to live a half measure life that is not full of meaning and purpose, and I'm going to go on a quest to to to search out my creator. But many people decide don't do that. And what's their penalty? A half measure life, just not quite as full as it could have been. They don't have any self realization.

They're not really that much of service. They have all of the bedevilments that that are described in here. But it's just sort of a half measure wasted it's not really that. It's not a severe penalty. What's my penalty?

See, I call my alcoholism my blessed curse because my penalty for not going on the path to seek my creator is swift and it is sure. And I die an alcoholic death. And dying an alcoholic death does not does not mean, you know, I explode on the bar store when I take a drink. Right? Many people in AA think, yeah, that that's what we're talking about.

Oh, you're gonna drink, you're gonna die. Actually, the only thing we can guarantee you if you drink again is that you're gonna have another one. That's the only thing we can guarantee you. I don't know what your pathway is but I do know this, if you're an alcoholic of my type, I add alcohol, my spirit dies immediately. That which makes me me quickly dies.

I die a spiritual death which leads then to the alcoholic death. That's the throwing up all over yourself where your mom is weeping and, you know, your your children are astonished and and are wondering how they're gonna survive on this planet without you. And everybody is hurt and your funeral is very, very solemn. There's no celebration. Family's embarrassed.

When we move on one more page, it says, right before this, it says you guys heard this? And we get into step 4. Resentment is the number one offender. Have you ever felt, offender of what? What do you mean number 1 offender?

Well, in the English language, I'm no literary expert, but this is I do know this, that if the first sentence of a paragraph confuses you and you don't quite know what they're making reference to, back up by 1 paragraph and maybe even 1 sentence. So let's back up by 1 sentence where it says resentment is the number 1 offender. Being convinced itself manifested in various ways with what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations. Another word for manifestation is symptoms. Resentment is the number one offender.

What they're saying is resentment is the number one symptom of a selfish life. Resentment is the number one symptom of a selfish person. We have 2 other big symptoms of a selfish person other than resentment, full of irrational fear and always getting into sexual jackpots where you're hurting other people by your sexual conduct, unaware of the power of of your sexual desires and sexual actions, and you absolutely get yourself into very confusing situations. I know none none of you do that here in Iceland. Alright.