The Live the Spirit Retreat in Chestnut Ridge, WV

My name is Jackie Booth and I'm a recovered alcoholic.

Man, this is awesome being down here. Wasn't sure I was going to make it down here from Clarion, you know, because it was the weather. Just didn't seem like it was going to cooperate. But you know, them weathermen are liars. They need a program and it's not the one we watch them on TVI don't think

I want their job. They get paid to lie, just like politicians.

And so I wasn't quite certain I was going to come down here. And I called Kim last night, and I told him. I said, I don't know. This is not looking so good. You know, we just trust God. You know, just trust God. And we woke up this morning and it didn't look like it was supposed to look up there. And here we are,

you know, and it was a great time crossed over that West Virginia line and and I said, oh, Lord, have mercy, we're in West Virginia. And my friend Ron said, I think we ought to pray.

I also told some of my people up home. I said, now look here, if we ate back home in about a week, y'all best said the policy. I heard about you guys out here in West Virginia. There's some in a Britain going on here.

Oh, how bad am I?

Pray for me, I need all the help I can get. Well, you know, I, I did celebrate 21 years on March the 1st and nobody's more surprised about it than I am.

There was a time in my life I couldn't go 21 minutes without picking up a drink. And, and to be here today and clean and, you know, just just and sober and just enjoying life and man, it's just awesome. You know, it really, really is. I do have a Home group. My Home group is clearing Monday night for now

I'm thinking about switching home groups. What you can do that you know I've done it before and there's no why change things now? You know it's working. But anyhow,

I do have a sponsor and my sponsor has 31 years of sobriety. My sponsor has a sponsor. My sponsor sponsor has a sponsor. So we're all sponsored out man, you know, and I sponsored okay, and let's see what else can I tell you? Well, I was born on the I know I got this your accident. Now a friend, another friend of mine that I played guitar with told me that y'all probably understand me down here and I probably, you know, probably understand you guys too. And I said Britney and

so

but anyhow, my, I was I was born on the old Corn planter Indian Reservation up in well, it's underwater now because of the Kenzo again, but by Warren, PA. And but I was born to an alcoholic mother and and my father, I was born in December. My father passed away in in February. And it was a good idea that she didn't raise me. And so I was adopted off the reservation. I was raised by a white family 25 miles southeast of Pittsburgh, Pensacola. And

my dad was, my dad was born down here in some little holler down here in West by God, Virginia. And, and you know, for a long, a lot of years of my life, I, I watched people treat him really badly because of the way he talked. Okay, the way he spoke, they treated him like he was stupid. And I saw this as I was growing a button and, and I thought, you know, I'm not going to have that happen to me. I'm not going to have that happen to me. So I started picking up the dictionary and I started reading the dictionary every single day.

Even as a little kid. I read that dictionary and I started studying them words and I started practicing how I was going to talk,

you know, so I didn't have, I wasn't treated like that. And oh, I'd say probably about eight years ago, I woke up one morning and, and my ex-husband the most recent.

That's why it says Jackie Hand and that there and Jackie H and that bag on Vicky. Because when, when I was asked to do that, I was still, I still had an H at the end of my name. OK. But I reclaimed my real last name, you know, and, and, and so I am now Booth and I have declared my freedom

exclamation point. But I studied them worse because I didn't want to be treated like that. And about eight years ago, I woke up one morning and all of a sudden this stuff started coming out my face. And I'm like, what is going on? And my ex-husband looked at me and he said, what are you doing? And I said I don't know

and I couldn't quit it. And it just kept flowing on him. You know, I was fetching and toting and poking and,

and I just didn't know where this was coming from. And, and I finally realized something, you know, for all them years I had wore this false face. You know, my, my people have a whole society called false face society. And, and, and they're really funky looking masks. And what they do is they scare off the, the, the, the sicknesses in the fall. OK. And this is this false face thing. This, this putting on

there's and talking with these big $64,000 works, you know, Well, actually it's 42,000 because that's what my student loans are.

Those, those words were all part of a false face. I was just putting on airs. I, I needed to feel superior. So I used them, them, them big words. And then when it started coming out, I realized, wow, this is really who I am. I'm not that and I could use them. You know, I was got it several years ago. I got accepted to Harvard Law School when I don't think, I don't think I could go stand in front of a court of law and tell them, judge, that my, my, my client was a feared.

I don't think that would go over pretty good. I don't know,

I never tried it, but

so I realized that that was just part of that fall space. And, you know, that was, that was, you know, I was 12 years sober, you know, and, and, and, and that just came upon me. And there's been many things over the years that, that I've been sober that, that have come up as revelation to me, the things that I didn't know about myself. You know, God reveals things to me as he knows that I can handle them. First steps as we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and lives had become unmanageable. Well, when I came into the rooms,

I was exposed to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous back in 1986, I was facing the seven to 12 year jail sentence for beating this guy up. I wasn't, I was not a nice, nice drunk, not a towel. I had Napoleon syndrome. I had the little guy syndrome in a female body, you know, and, and, and so I didn't and, and, and I didn't like fighting women because you all fought like girls, you know, that hold the hair and you know, like that They're my kind of fighting was, you know, you picked up a pool stick and you cracked somebody upside the head.

You know, that's my kind of fighting. And I am very grateful to tell you that it will be 11 years this May since I hit anybody.

I spouses and children do not count. If they just fly right and go by my program, it'd be all OK. We just need to get one program, which is called money.

And but you know, I was faced at 7:00 to 12:00 in, back in 1986 in my neck of the woods. If you were kind to the judge and you knew the judge and, and all like that, you, you could go to rehab and, and, and you know, they'll say, oh, wouldn't that not nice? You recognize you have an alcohol problem. That's so cute, you know, and so and it just so happened that the judge and I was it was going before

he happened to be real good friends with my dad. And

so, you know, the

my sentence was I did, I didn't think I got anything like on paper, you know, that I had probation. And the more I kept pondering that thought, I do recall that I had something I had to abide by, something which I never did because like once I walked out of the courtroom, as if, you know, I forgot about it as soon as the door shut behind me. You know, the only thing that that I do recall I had to do is I had to pay the sellers

salary until he was able to go back to work

and I had to pay his hospital bills. OK. And I will tell you that I paid his salary for two years before he returned to work and it took me until 1996 to pay off his hospital bills. Now this was in 1986. So that tells you I put a hurting on this boy and and I didn't even know he walked into the courtroom and I had no recollection of who this man was. I didn't know him because I didn't know. I didn't know. I mean, it wasn't important to me to remember who I beat up

until you get busted for it. And so I was exposed to the rooms of alcoholic synonymous. And because they allowed me to come out of detox after eight days, as long as I told that I promised the doctor I would go to an, A, a meeting.

And so I did. And, and, and I walked into the roof and, and there I am and all my glory. I got my chaps on and my boots and my leather jacket, you know, and my hair was down my butt and I was all of about £84 then, you know, and I was, you know, if, if you read that story, Bella, the bar, okay. And she's talking about how pretty she was with her lipstick all over her face and a sweater that's been off for three days, you know, And, you know, guys were buying her drinks just to get her away from them, you know?

Yeah, that would be me, except in all leather, you know? And. And so I go walking down the steps in, this little lady comes up to me. She was so cute. She come walking up to me and she says, oh, hi, honey, We're so happy to see you. And I'm reaching in my pocket looking for my checkbook because only time anybody was ever nice to me was when they wanted my money or they wanted, you know, no or something. You know, I do say I'm an ex dope fiend because dope got me here faster. OK.

And

and and so I didn't or they wanted sex and honest to God she was cute but she just wasn't my type. And and so but I didn't know what she really wanted and she said something to me that stuck with me. She said you don't ever have to get drunk again. It's the first drink that gets you drunk.

I thought. That is so stupid.

I had never the first drink never got me drunk. It was but see they taught me in detox it was the third one. It was the third one that got me. Okay, so she didn't know she didn't go to that. She needed it. She needed to go there because she was wrong. These doctors told me it was the third one and

so I got the book because that was suggested for me to do. I got the book and you go home. You read this book, right? So I went home and I didn't I didn't want to read them to see I was an inquiring mind you see I needed to know stuff about you people because you said something at that meeting. You will meet some of us as you judge the road happy destined that stock. So I thought it was your stories in that book. So I started reading that because see, I needed to be one up on y'all

because I had to be up here because I felt way down here, you know, I was a bottom feeder

and and so I needed to know stuff about you so I can hold it over, over your noggins. And and, and I read those stories and I I my favorite, OK, they're sort of interesting, but then I flip back and I went to the 1st 164 pay. I didn't like that at all.

Book back, you know, because you don't have that a, a library, you say if you can't afford one, you can borrow it, you know. And so I borrowed it, and I took it promptly back the following Monday.

And they asked me if I was sticking around for the meeting. And I said, no, I can't say. You know, I couldn't stay because my brother was coming back from Disney World

and he brought me a present. He brought me many and Mickey Mouse salt and pepper shakers. And you know what? Them many and Mickey Mouse salt and pepper shakers never kept me sober. They got all rusty on top and I couldn't get the tops off anymore, probably because it still sits dagging many beers on them. But not actually. It wasn't that it was the tequila that did it to the salt shaker, you know, And I found something out. It wasn't the tequila that made me take back things I never saw. It was a bag of salt.

So I figured that out after 18 years of sobriety and I thought, what the heck, I'm on this, on this one, Might as well keep going.

But you see, that's, that's how I was powerless. I could not stop drinking. You know, I couldn't get there was there wasn't a psychic change happening inside of Monogam That that that that I could comprehend that

it was the booze. I thought it was the bars. See, I went to bars and that's where I got in trouble. That's where I got in fights. That's where I got arrested. That's where all this bad stuff happened. You know, was in the bars. I didn't go far enough. Done in the alphabet after the letter BI should have went down to the yellow instead of stopping at the A you know, at the bar. I said I went down to the boost and, and, and I was just

very sick. I, I, I never went back to the dope after 1986, but I did go back out and drink for the next four years. And it was the worst four years that I ever spent because I

by the time I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous,

I was drinking a case of Iron City and a fifth in the Scalp every single day, Monday through Thursday,

Friday, Saturdays and Sundays was an entirely different story, Man. It was the weekend, OK. And if it was any kind of season, it was all it was on, you know, basketball, football, fishing and tourists, you know, I mean, when it didn't matter what season it was, it was time to drink and party, you know, and, and I had I had this little bubbet at home and

and and, you know, on the outside, if you looked on the outside of my house, I looked like June Cleaver, except I didn't wear an apron

and drew the line at wearing an apron. All right. They just didn't look too cool with a Harley shirt. You know, you just can't make an apron look cool with a Harley shirt. You just lose that cool. But you know, something about that. And so, so, but on the outside of it, it all looked all happy. It all was happy to go Dickie. You know, everything was looked good. You know, I had, I had my second legal hostage going on, you know, and he was going to work and I was, you know, baking brownies and you know, but I'm doing it with a, with

in my hand, you know, and, and I screw the shot glasses and the little glass. I mean, I never drank anything out of if I get, if I couldn't grab it by the neck and chug that soccer, it wasn't worth drinking, you know, and, and so and I had this little baby going around there and this is where, you know, my, my, my life was so unmanageable, but yet I couldn't see, I couldn't comprehend. I knew that it was wrong

in in my gut, I knew it was wrong, but in monogamy I couldn't just wasn't making it, you know,

till finally

I I came to the rooms of A and a through the back door through Al Anon and I and I am a very grateful member of Alan on 213 years. Thank you very much. And so watch it. I got two fingers. If you want to shut me up, just grab them fingers and I can't talk. OK, but

I came into the rooms of of Al Anon because my my second legal hostage was just as big of a drunk as what I was. Because, you know, we got to marry them,

you know, you got America, you got to make honest men out of these guys. I mean, seriously, you got to straighten them up. And, and so he, I told him what a big drunk he was. So he went to the same rehab that I came out of okay. And, and so I started going to Illinois and, and I was hearing things like detached with love. And

you mean we can't hit him

shooting him totally out of the picture? Now

he's in rehab, he comes out, he's going to be sober. I can't get away with it. That's not right. So I came in through the rooms of Eleanor. I went to the Friday night Marionville meeting one night and there used to be an Al Anon meeting upstairs and they didn't have it that night. Now what am I going to do? I'm going to have to go downstairs. So I went downstairs today and Amy and I walked down there and there was all these people I used to party with and I heard went and got a good dose of dead, you know, And

I know that we're sitting in there. They were living, happy, joyous and free. And I was like, wow, you're still alive,

Let me see. And and they were in

I was amazed. I really was because those were the people that I looked at and said, if I ever get that bad, I'm going to quit. And then I realized that I was the person that people were looking at sitting at the end of the bar going fiber get that bad. I

became that person that those people were to me, you know, And that was like a real revelation.

But they said, they said, you know how you call for anniversaries? You don't love this one. OK, OK, see, I didn't understand nothing about sobriety. OK, So they call for anniversaries and boy, I jump right up there and I say I got me four years. No, I did not neither. I just

gone to a bar, OK, I hadn't been arrested. I hadn't been I hadn't written out a bad check. I had well, if I could, I hadn't hit anybody outside of the people that I was very tour gave birth to. Okay, so

got to be sober, right?

And so y'all just for real kind and you're looking at me good. Yeah. Where'd she come from? I never seen her before, you know. And so the chairman gives me the little, you know, that little four year medallion, you know, and I didn't know what to do so I just snagged it up and, you know. Yeah, thanks. See you later. And I'm about to sit down in my chair,

OK, And this guy gets up there and he said then the right where I'm standing, well, not here, but up there. And he was talking about all the stuff about him, how he was a chameleon and how he lived in fear and how he could be whatever it is that you needed him to be so he could get what he needed to get. And I'm thinking, who told him? Who told him about me?

I know who it was and I looked over this one woman, but I used to find him

because she was a gossiper, you know, she was one of them. Wasn't far fly that knew everybody's business and who was zooming who and all like that there. Yeah, she knew it. And I thought, boy, me and her is gonna have to talk out in that parking lot. I can see it now, you know, and and but I sit and listen. And then he came up to me after the meeting and he said, you know, we have another meeting tomorrow.

It's, it's a different kind of meeting. And he says and and and he mentioned our products anonymous.

And so I went to that meeting the next day.

My first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting was March the 23rd. Now, I hadn't picked up a drink or any other substance since February 28th. Let's see, on February 28th, God put a question in my head that I, I would have not have thought of. I didn't think this way. I still don't think this way. But the question was, Jackie, what if you don't like dead?

And I still don't have an answer to that, OK. Because there ain't no coming back. It's not a commercial break. You know, you don't stay dead for like, you know, 3 minutes and then, you know, somebody changes a channel and there you are again.

OK, it doesn't happen that way. You stay dead. You're dead. You're dead.

And that's when I said the most powerful prayer ever said was God help.

And he said cool. And for about I don't know how long of a period of time, but I felt this peace and calmness that happened on the inside of me that I never felt before. And I knew that. I knew that I knew at that point in time that everything was going to be okey dokey.

Immediately all that crazy came back and for the next 5 months nobody would give me a full cup of coffee. Okay I should. So I didn't drink coffee when I came here. Y'all turned me into a coffee drinker. I didn't smoke cigarettes neither and boy I'm out there smoking like A

and

didn't cost as much.

I learned me some words to put together in you though. I let me tell you what I know right when you use them.

But the The thing is, is it I shook so bad. My body was in such, such a fit, you know, and so was my mind. And I picked up a sponsor. I picked the lady up that I thought was gabbing about me. I picked her up as a sponsor, which I didn't turn out to be a real good idea because her and I were friends for about 20 years before

and she couldn't tell me what it was that I needed to hear, you know, and, and, but there was another lady there that that that I liked just fine. And she was an older woman. But see, she wasn't like me. So I thought because I only seen her at A and a meetings. I never seen her at NA, so I didn't think she could she couldn't relate to me. Of course I was different. You see, I'm different.

I'm different, You know by that time I was a single mother and

go figure, right?

My my second legal hostage is 6 foot six. My scared that boy and I filed A5 foot two, you know, and but anyhow,

umm, this little woman, you know, she wouldn't like me and and and then one day right there it was. It was during Cook forest conference in September and she come be blopping through the door of that NA meeting. I looked at her and I said, Pete, what are you doing here? And she said, what makes you think that I'm not just like you? I said because you're old.

I've never seen an old duck thing before, you know, They always died, you know? And so I was like some stupid OK.

And and so I asked her. I worked up enough courage. Imagine me my first sponsor. She told me the Billy badass psycho psycho bitch from hell. And and and I was afraid to ask this little woman to be my sponsor, but I did. And she promptly told me no. I said you, you ain't reminded that they took me a month to ask her, right? But then she told me no. And I said, you ain't long to tell me no. She said Oh yes, I can.

And I said, why do you tell me? No, She said, because it's hot in season,

OK, I need to. I need a map because I'm not. I can't figure this sock around. I mean, I'm pointing, you know, I can't get these points to match up. And then she started giggling and she told me she was just kidding me, you know? And she looked at me and she said, Jackie, you must be extremely sick or extremely desperate. And I said guilty on all charges.

And that was the first time I ever met admitted the guilt, OK? I had ever admitted and I was always, there was always some lame excuse. But what she did with me was that she didn't start me out on them steps. She started me out on the four absolutes. And if you don't know what the four absolutes are, ask your sponsor. And if your sponsor don't know what the four absolutes are, have them ask their sponsor. Find somebody that does. Because she started me out defining each one of those absolutes, OK? Because she told me to turn to that first page of the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous in the 3rd edition. And it's a Big Blue page,

first page, actually. I didn't know that that was the first page. I thought the first page said Alcoholics Anonymous on it. OK, that wasn't it. I went all the way through the table contents, and she kept telling me I didn't you go to blue page in your book. I said, yeah. She said, what's on it? And I said nothing. She said that's exactly what you know about staying safe. Oh, I didn't like that.

I people don't talk to me like that. Didn't she know who I was? I beat people up and

but you know what though? She talked to me in a manner that she talked too much. She talked to my soul, OK? She talked to my heart. She didn't talk to my head. She talked to my heart. And we worked through those four absolutes. And then I walked through that first step and she told me the second most important book I'd ever owned was a dictionary. And I started looking up those words. Do you know I didn't know what the word we meant. Now, remember, I told you in the very beginning, I used to study that dictionary and I used to pride myself on my intellect because they tested me when I came out of that detox and told me I got

big number and I should be really smart and join some menstrual. No, no, Mensa, Mensa, Mensa.

And

but that, you know, that's we're supposed to be for smart people. You know, I'm thinking, Dang, you know, and anyhow, so they and and I didn't know what we meant. I really didn't. I didn't understand the concept of we I knew what we we was. It was always what I had in my Levis.

I just didn't know. And I didn't know what powerlessness was. I didn't know what power was. I had to go look up the word power. I had to look up the word admit. I had to look up the word manage to understand what unmanageability was. I had to look up the root word and find out that on meant not Alki, and

that the mess in powerlessness was my actions. OK. And so she gave me a list of these questions that that, that that

to answer on step one. And the very first question, every time I've wanted to pick up a drink, I thought of that first question. And it is how have you placed your life for the lives of others in jeopardy and give 3 examples I've never gotten past. That's that question. Because as soon as I realize how fatal this disease is, I don't think about it no more, you know? And

the Step 2 says, came to believe that a power greater than myself that restored in the sand.

How greater than me? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? My wonderful sponsor, Grandma Pete, and at the Marionville meeting has me stand behind her big old tea bar. And she said, Jeff, she said, stand behind my car. I said, OK, so I shall see swords up. And I see lights come on. And then I see the backup lights come on. I said, Pete, I'm back here. She said I know where you are

and it starts. I said, Pete, I'm back here. She said, I know you think you're so powerful you stopped my car.

She always gave me no place to come back. You know, I got nothing. I got nothing, you know. And so the whole ride home, she was telling me, you know, did you make the sun come up today?

No, I didn't drink Minute Maid orange juice. That's so cute, isn't it? I love that commercial. But it wasn't out then. But it surprises for nothing. And did you, could you make a trade grow? Could you make the seed

that makes the tree grow? Do you make it rain? I'm ending. Give me a minute.

I have no responsibility. Just so you know, for the record, I have nothing to do with snow. I'm Native American. I'm not Eskimo

call that Verizon number. Is that straight back? And I had to come to these meetings to come to believe. I had to come to believe in something that was more powerful than booze. I had to believe in something that was more powerful than my thought process.

OK, well, OK, So you give me that. You give me. I came to believe that there was a power greater than me. It was her T Bird.

And now you tell me I'm insane.

How's that going to work? She told me that my recovery would be based in three things. Number one, my attitude of gratitude. And in a few short seasons I've been sober, I have yet met a person go back out that was grateful. Okay. The second thing would be the evidence that I found out about my own history with Boost.

Not your history. Your history ain't gonna keep me sober. When I'm talking to you about tonight ain't gonna keep you sober. My story ain't gonna keep you sober. Your story will. OK. And then there's a third thing, and I can't remember what it is. It's important though.

I've got so many things going on in my head right now, I can't remember everything. Give me a break. It was a long ride. I was outside to call. My brain froze.

I do not believe in that. Are you?

The third thing is that I based my life. I lived my life on all my failures. It was time to build on successes. So if I could stay sober for 5 minutes, I have

the ability and the capability. 2 separate words to say sober, another five OK.

And that's what I build it on. So when you tell me that I'm insane, I have to go back and look at the evidence now saying women don't lose custody of their children because they want to become the next Janis Joplin and

leave their children behind for boots. I did saving Women don't stand at point blank range and make the front of the size of a man's genitalia when he's got a gun pointed at your head.

It hurt. I got I just got a little bit. I

same people do not drive cars as an or motorcycles

under the influence as much alcohol as I as I used to consume

or take other people's cars or motorcycles.

I I found out how insane I was when I worked out step step three says that we made a decision stop right there five out. I don't do that, okay. I don't make a decision, not because I was a feared to make the decision.

I had full capability of making a decision. I just didn't want to because you see, if I did that, man, I was accountable. And what if everything went S OK, So I let my parents,

exes, children, judges, police, ambulance drivers, I let total strangers make decisions for me. Okay. And so don't tell me I can't make a decision. So I call Pete. Don't Pete see what I said? I can't I'm I'm struggling with this make a decision part. She said. Did you dress yourself this morning? I looked down, I got one pink sock on and I got one green. I thought, man, she is good. She could see me through the phone

and she could tell by the slight pause on the phone that I was looking at my attire.

And she said, let's put it this way. Did you get, What do you have for supper tonight? I said fried chicken. She said, why? I said, 'cause that's what I want. She said you want sobriety.

Yeah. You just made a decision. Is it that easy? I thought it's gonna have to college or something. Take a class, write an essay. I don't know, give blood. I don't. I didn't know what was required. I thought it was going to be. It was more difficult than what I was imagining it to be. Okay,

to turn my will in my life over. What is that?

I don't have a will. I thought she meant like, you know, your last will testament, you know, whatever. And I didn't. I got me one. Then she explained to me that my will was my thoughts,

my motions, and my beliefs, OK, and that my life was my actions that I took to carry my will act. Now, being that I was such a success, would I be willing to turn all that over?

Yeah, who wouldn't be? Well, what do I got to turn it over to? To God, as I understand God. Well, we got to stop there because like, you know, I got over being Catholic, okay? Seriously. And nothing against Catholicism, it just didn't work for me, okay. And

I, I, I, I got stumped. So I did that. What you just read today and today's Daily Reflections, I had a good orderly direction. I had the group of drugs, OK, And I could do that because see, I was watching y'all do this deal

and Ian's were successful, but and that and that gave me hope that I could do it too, you see. So I was following the example set before me with y'all. OK, that was God to me. And then about, oh, I don't know, 19197 I had the honor and privilege of leading up there at that harvest, I hope conference up in Erie and going up 79 I saw one of the big old trucks that had G period, O period, D period. I said there's God,

excellent orderly direction. No, it is not, neither it's guaranteed overnight delivery.

Ponder the thought. You take that third step is at night, is it not? And it has

little dove on the side of the on the side of the truck if you pay real close attention to it. Just sort of something similar to the.

Yeah, that thing and sweatshirt I knew up today with Step forward. OK, maybe that searching and fearless moral inventory. Well, the fearless, does it have to be fearless? Because I'm not sure about it, She said. Well, you can. Yeah.

Well, how do I get that? We'll read. Let's read the big book. So we read that third step being convinced,

you know, and in the 24 hours I've been sober, I've seen so many people stumble and fall. And by the grace of God, some of them make it up and some of them don't. And and it seems to be, you know, where in letter C and Victoria, I think read the the stats where it or no, Tom, you read how it works and letter C says

God put water fever sought period. And then there's that little blank line that goes into that, into the next paragraph,

and it says being convinced, we stood at step three. Well, it's in that at the end of that period. And that blank line seems to be that space where people get tripped up because that being convinced part doesn't seem to work. The conviction doesn't come. And

so I went back and I reviewed. I'm struggling with step four. It's because I ain't really picked up on three, which means I really haven't fully accepted Step 2, which means I'm trying to manage something on powerless over. Okay, I got problems with one step. I got to work it backwards, not forwards

and start at the beginning. And so step four, she didn't give me she didn't give me that dadgum worksheet. I didn't have the you know, the pre printed out where I checked everything off and you know, and

Nope, she gave me two notebook and I had that that you know, the red margin on the one side and and and stuff. Well, that was my who column, real simple, who, what, where and why, who did who did what to me and where did affect me and what and the why columnist my input. Okay, I had to pray about who

and I had to learn what a resentment was. The difference between a resentment and just being pissed off, Okay, I did. I didn't know the difference. I really didn't. I didn't understand that, okay? I didn't understand that people could make me angry and I could get over it, but the resentment is the is, is the person. Even when I think about it, I get a little bile in the back of my throat and I can feel the hair standing up and I just start gritting my teeth. That's a resentment, OK?

And I want to beg is what I want done. And I want to choke the life of her. I don't want to shoot him. Anybody can pull the trigger, you know,

and

sorry,

I'm over it. And,

but I, I had to learn the difference between that and, and, and, you know, just when I, I had to pray about those names for two weeks because there were some people that just needed to be checked off. I mean, I wasn't really, my second grade teacher gave me my first slot. That was not a resentment. That was hurt feelings. You know,

the guy that molested me when I was three years old, that was a resentment. OK? That was a resentment. The guy that shot me in the head, that was a resentment. All right? The last man that molested me when I was 14, when I was raped, that was. That's a resentment. OK? My mother forgiven me up for adoption and being a drunk for drinking with me the whole time. She was. That was a resentment,

all right? There was a difference. What they did. I knew all I had to do was look at the name. I didn't have to write no Britannica Encyclopedia version. I just had to write a Reader's Digest version, you know, Where did it affect me? Was it my personal, what I thought about myself? Was it social? What I thought you thought about me? Was it my sexual or was it appropriate or inappropriate? And was it was it my security? OK. Financial

social status and what was my input?

Madifo secure.

Every single one of my resentments had fear. That first was dishonesty, and it was fear. No wonder I was fearful. I was a liar. I loved everybody. God was the number one offender on my resentment list. I was number 2.

Then I had to write down, it says a moral inventory, and if you read the big book, it says about a complete, that the business does a complete inventory. It doesn't just do the bad insoluble product. It does a complete inventory. So not only did I write about my resentments and my sexual misconduct and my fears, but I also wrote about the positive things, the things that I like about me. I had no clue. I had no clue what I liked about me. How could I like me? I was the most disgusting, detestable person on the planet.

In my head, I wasn't allowed to write down the things that you told me about me. I had to write things I told me about me that were good. OK. And,

and so that was tough, but she guided me through the whole thing. I was on the phone with her about three or four times a day because I was refilling all that. I was feeling the pain, I was feeling the anger and that that bitterness and that murderous feeling inside. And I was also feeling very sad and grievous

and I couldn't, I couldn't distinguish between the emotion. All right.

We studied that 12:00 and 12:00 as well, Not just out of the big book that we studied each step out of the 12 and 12, going page by page, highlight and highlight and study in the dictionary, understanding words. OK step. I always believe that step four would be a hell of a lot easier if we didn't know what step five was. I think there ought to be a special paper for newcomers at Step 5 is covered up. And as soon as they do step four, we rip the tape off and go. This is what you have to do now,