The 45th Niagara Blossomtime Convention in Niagara Falls, Canada

Otherwise, I'll read it the whole time I'm up here. My name is Beth Hartley, I'm an alcoholic. Hi Beth. And because of the grace of God and the fellowship and steps of A and sponsorship, I've been sober since June 26th, 1988. And that always amazes me when I say that I got sober actually in Cincinnati, OH. We moved to North Carolina about seven years ago and when I got there, they told me that Kerry actually stands for containment area for relocated Yankees. So

that's why we live there and not Raleigh or Durham or somewhere. So

I want to thank the committee. We've had just a fabulous time this weekend,

although I've, you know, being the Southerner that I am, I came up here with linen clothes and sandals. And because it's May, I mean, you know, it's 90 at home. My husband play golf today. And so it's been we've been keeping warm, but we just had a really good time. Everybody is so nice up here and thank you so much. Everybody's done a great job.

Oh, it always takes a minute to get going.

You all mostly look like you've been coming to a A for a while now. I think you look old. But just, you know, I just, I mean, you know, newcomers, they kind of get that look in their eye like a dog lost on the freeway. And I, I don't see anybody looking too panicked in here. But if there's anybody new here, I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous and let you know that if you're not thrilled to be here, it's OK. We, you know, we don't care.

I didn't want to be here when I got here. I was not one of those people who walked through the doors of a A and said, oh, thank God, I'm home and I want what you have. And, you know, I just, that just wasn't my experience. I started going to a A meetings in the 60s. I'm pulling up pretty well, don't you think? I, my dad got sober in 1966 when I was seven years old. And so I knew there was Alcoholics Anonymous. I knew that if you were alcoholic, you didn't have to drink,

that there was a solution. I used to be the kid in the corner at the Friday night speaker meetings and Hamilton, OH, with the coloring book. I knew that a A was all old guys who drank coffee and ate Donuts and smoked. They used to smoke indoors back then. And so if you got up to like table height, everybody disappeared. It was really anonymous in those days. You couldn't see across the table and, and, and I knew it was there and I didn't have crazyness in my home. I didn't have drunken fighting parents. My

is an alcoholic. It just, you know, my dad told me the drama and the tragic losses and the crushed hopes and dreams of his drinking. And I didn't drink till I was 15. But when I did drink I felt so bad for him that he had such a hard time. I just thought if he drank more like me, he could have hung in there longer and

but I was an only child. And the longer I'm here, the more aware I am that alcoholism was my problem, not alcohol, that alcohol was never my problem. Alcohol was my solution. And we were talking today that, you know, if I went 10 days without a drink, it was a it was a long 10 days. And if you were my friend, it was longer for you than it was for me. People were usually offering me a beer by the end of the 10 days,

but I had all this thinking long. But I and I wouldn't have told you I was a thinker. I was an avid reader as a child. I read a lot. That was my first escape.

I could dive into a book and just not the house could have collapsed around me and I wouldn't hurt it. And I think because of all the reading, that's why school came easily to me when I got there. It certainly wasn't any work ethic. If it looked hard, I just didn't do it. And 'cause, you know, there's always that possibility of failing in public if it's hard. And so I, I got good marks in school. I know I'm a test taker. You know, I'm one of those people that test. Take

the comment from the peanut gallery over here.

There must not be a test taker,

but you know, so I could study it, spit it out, not know what I read three days later. And and you know, if you're a test taker, you can ace treatment. You you can be. I was always voted most likely to stay sober forever and all the treatment centers because I can say all the right things and do all the right stuff, but on the inside, I just never was enough. I never felt good enough. I never.

There was always a committee in my head from the very beginning.

They were all up there. None of them liked me. They all told me things like, you know, they don't really like you. They just play with you because their mother makes them. They're all talking about you now. And I just never could, you know, I couldn't. I didn't want to try anything new, like I said, because if you fail, then you look bad and I can't ask a question. I live by this rule that it wasn't all right not to know. It just wasn't all right not to know anything. Pick a topic. I don't care. It's not OK not to know,

wouldn't even ask a question in school because if you ask a question, everybody knows that you don't know. And I, if you asked a question, I would be embarrassed for you because now everybody knows that you don't know. And I just, you know, and it and I never could. Like I just felt like if I said my name's Beth, that you were waiting for the rest, that just being Beth was never enough. That if I said hi, my name's Beth, you would just think.

And so I always had to be super busy. I was, you know, Beth the cheerleader, Beth the night auditor, Beth, Jim and Sally's daughter always had to have Beth. Beth does something because

if I wasn't doing a bunch of stuff, I couldn't justify my space. You know, I, I had to do big things just to, just to feel like I deserve the space. I was taken up and I couldn't, you know, I would have one good friend at a time and don't talk to my friend because she'll like you better. And then I'll have to find another friend 'cause you know, I can only have one at a time. And I just on and on and on like that. And when I got here and they said we suffered from self centeredness, I didn't get that. I thought self-centered meant selfish and vain. And I'm just

asked me, I'm neither of those. And you know, I didn't know that self-centered meant I thought everybody was watching every move I made. You know, I had, I was a spectator in my own life. I, it's like I had this little camera in my brain that watched all of you watch me. And if I was talking to somebody over here, I was acutely aware of how it might be looking to you over there. And I just couldn't make a move without

calculating all that. And I remember I was telling Gary, my sponsor says that alcoholic don't really have conversations. It's just two people talking most of the time,

you know 'cause we don't listen while we're just talking. And I remember the first time I was about six months. So we're having a conversation with somebody and actually realized that I would talk and then they would talk and I was listening, you know, that I wasn't figuring out what they were going to say and choose them from my next 6 answers, you know that that we were just like they were talking. I would talk and they would talk and I would talk. It was so amazing. I had never done it before because it was just busy up here. And

one of the stories that really made it

evident to me when I got sober, my kids were four and six. My daughter was four and my son was six. And they weren't in my custody. But as they got older, my daughter wanted to swim. And, you know, she's the one that when she was younger, we thought she'd be here by now. She just, she was something else. And you know, Chuck and I used to tell people that most people say for college were saving for treatment

and because we just knew she was going to be here.

And when she was 11, she wanted to be on a swim team. A lot of her friends swam. So we thought, OK, fine. We took her to try out and the coach told her, well, you could be on the team, but you need to swim down an age group. You need to practice down an age group because you can't keep up with your age group yet. Now this meant that 11 years old, he wanted her to practice with the 9 year olds and it was OK with her. I couldn't have done it. I couldn't have gotten in the water. And she was fine with that. Now I was seven years over. I'm always so embarrassed to tell you this. I was

seven years sober when this happened and I was having a hard time being the mother of the 11 year old that had to swim with a nine year olds, you know, because Helm I going to look. And so she practiced with the 9 year olds and she went to her first swim meet and these were USS Big meets where they run all the heats and just post the results. In her very first race ever, she was 70th out of 72 and she went back the next day. I would have been trying to get my parents to relocate

and we said, well, Sarah, you didn't win, but you have this baseline time now. And next time you race, even if you don't win that race,

if you beat your time, it's a successful race. Now, the whole time I was telling her this, I was thinking, Oh yeah, right. You know, I mean, it's about the metal. It's about winning. She beat her time and she was happy. Now the rest of that story is 2 years later, she was a state AA swimmer

and at 11 years old, she had never had a drink and neither had I. But I couldn't. I would have walked away the day they said practice down an age group. I could not have done it because of how it would look. And she just somehow internalized that lesson that they try to teach all of us about set the goal, work for the goal, achieve the goal. I mean, that just went by me. My outlook on life has always been just give me the goal. You know,

I used to say I was kind of a 50 yard dash girl in a five mile world, you know, great starter, terrible finisher, but really I don't even want to start. I would so much rather just set up a lawn chair at the start line and let you bring me the trophy. I just,

my husband told me I'm a type AL, there may be some others of you out there. I said, what is that? He said, well, you're definitely a type A personality, but you're lazy enough that you're not annoying. So.

And it's true. It really is.

So anyway, you know, we start watching her with interest because we had been so convinced she'd be here. And then she's, you know, doing this stuff at the swimming and she got a summer job and saved money. And in 9th and 10th grade, she still had the same friends that she'd had, you know, in kindergarten. And so we're watching her with interest kind of going as this normal and like we would recognize normal, you know, and she just went on like that. She by her junior year in high school, they'd opened up a Starbucks in our town and she came home the first day of school and said,

you know, we went to the new Starbucks and we said, oh, good, who'd you go with? Ohio? Lindsay, Katie and Jennifer. And I said, Jennifer, you went with her. And she looked at me and said, for God's sakes, mom, that was 6th grade, could you let it go?

I can't tell you this day what that girl did, but I don't like her.

She just so we're looking at this child who sets goals, works for the goals, achieves the goals, you know, keeps the same friends, doesn't carry resentment. And we just said, you know,

there's supposed to be one mature person in the house. Congratulations. We're pretty sure it's you

and she's, she's 26 years old now and married and, and has a, a beautiful daughter who's going to be 3 on the 4th of July and, and still, you know, doesn't appear to be alcoholic. We, we don't know how that happened, but we're, you know, we're have we? We had a such she had such a bright future in a A and then she just took a weird turn on us.

What are you gonna do? You know, all parents have dreams for their kids

anyway. I mean, if that gives you an idea of what my thinking was like. I just, and that was long before I drank. And, and so I was busy, busy, busy in junior high. I was, you know, pep club, Honor Society, band, student council, yearbook staff, you name it, I did it all because if I sat still, it was too noisy. If I was alone, it was too unfriendly. I always had this course in my head of people who didn't like me. And one of my favorite promises in the big book says that we can be alone at perfect peace

because I just couldn't. I just couldn't. I never could. And in high school when I took a drink, all of that stuff, I wouldn't have told you that I relaxed. I wouldn't have told you anything. You know, IA lot of my friends were experimenting. They were falling down, throwing up, looking bad. So I just put a glow on the first time and it was enough. It was enough that I took my best friend out the next night to get her drunk so I'd have somebody drink with. And that friendship didn't make up for another year because we drank different from the beginning, you know, from the from the beginning.

If I could have gotten it every day in high school, I would have been a daily drinker. I have no doubt. I never had issues with morning drinking. I think it only makes sense to drink in the morning when you're in high school. You know, you have to sober up before your parents get home from work. It was very practical. And

on the topic of practicality, I was telling Jay she was talking about that bottle rolling around under her car seat last night. So do you know that's why I drank Wild Irish Rose? The bottle was square and it doesn't roll out from under the car seat.

You have to be, you know, have to think these things through.

But I started drinking in high school and immediately I was off and running and I could drink with the big boys. So I did, you know, I never, when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and they said hang out with the women, I was horrified. I just horrified. I thought, I don't even drink with girls. Why would I want to hang out with them now? You know, I mean, in high school, they're girls and they fall down, they throw up, they wear pink in public. You know, they just

and later it would get complicated because it was, you know, you know, I mean, like, oh, that was your husband. I'm so sorry and

I just never thought to ask that stuff. At last call, you know,

which is where I did my dating mostly. So

I mean, you know, it's like if they're still there on Sunday, it's a relationship

and a one night stand drag into a five year marriage based on that. Never admit when you're wrong role. And but you know, I just so I didn't, I didn't hang out with women. I didn't want anything to do with women. I didn't 'cause you know, women, to me they were competition

or they were of no consequence, or every now and then there was one who could look me in the eye and I knew she could see right through me because underneath it all I never had a clue what was going on. But you can't tell anybody because it's not all right not to know. And every now and then somebody looked me in the eye and I knew she knew. So they had to be avoided too. And I could drink a lot. So like I said, I drank with the big boys 'cause I could. I had a huge capacity for alcohol. I loved to drink. Sometimes I forget to mention that loved to drink. My day went better with a drink.

I could drink a lot. I wasn't a falling down drunk. I wasn't a crying drunk. I wasn't a fighting drunk, mostly out of sheer cowardice. I was afraid if I hit you would hit me back. But you know, I look like I would hit you. So most people left me alone. And, and really, I mean, you know, I mean, when fights break out, drinks get spilled. It's just a waste. But I just, you know, I was just a happy drunk or I would have told you. I was a social drinker, you know, And the more I drank, the more social I got,

hence the last call dating a lot. It was very, very social by two in the morning, friendly even. And you know, I just, I just loved it and I wanted I grew up in Ohio. That was my first resentment. I didn't want to be from Ohio. I don't know if any of you've been to Ohio.

I'm not hearing big bursts of applause so that tells me a lot.

I was born in California but I guess because of my dad's drinking they moved to Ohio when I was like 2 and I can remember being six years old. As soon as I found out it was warm other places year round. I was on a campaign to get my parents to move and they never would.

I can remember being in first grade looking at a map of the United States and seeing California and Florida and Texas and Ohio and just think you can look at a map and tell that nothing is happening in Ohio, you know, And where does that come from at six years old? You know, I mean, I know now I was by, I was already at six years old. I was restless, irritable and discontent already at six years old. If I live somewhere else, I would be happy if we had a different house, if my mom acted different, if she

smoke, you know, the other moms don't smoke. If we had this, if we didn't have that, I would be better. And that just carried on and on and on. If I, you know, later in life, if I'd come with them, if I'd left with them, if we'd gone to this party, if I hadn't gone to that party, I just never ever was comfortable where I was. Every now and then all the planets would align, you know, But most of the time I was wishing I was somewhere else with somebody else doing something else because where I was just never quite fit. And one of the big gifts I've gotten here is

wanting to be where I am most of the time, you know that my sponsor says be where your hands are. And, and most of the time I am comfortable where I am wanting what I have. And that is such a huge gift because I just chased that and chased that and chased it. So I'm in Ohio, I get out of high school somehow, mostly because I didn't drink my freshman year. So I had a lot of credit stacked up. And I go off to college 'cause I grew up in a college town. I, that's just what you did. And I went to college and I was a 17 year old freshman in the middle of a 21 state and

and I didn't have a lot of access to alcohol and I was just miserable because I don't know what to say after my name's Beth. I don't, you know, I just, I don't know what to say after my name's Beth. Like I said, I feel like you're waiting for the rest. So if I meet you and I say hi, my name is Beth and she says hi, my name is Joanne. And

I know it's my turn to talk. You know, everybody in my head launches telling me it's my turn to talk. She's staring at you. You should say something. Well, you look dumb. Now. If you talk, you look dumb. Or if you don't, But yeah, what are you going to say? You know? So it's like they're all up there arguing. I'm paralyzed. We have to go.

And, you know, I just couldn't do it. I just didn't know. And the same thing happened when I got to a A because when I walk into a room full of people, it splits into two groups, you know, all of you and me

and you all know each other and you're all talking big book stuff. And I don't know anything. And I have to go. And, and it just was like that. I ended up, I, I flunked out of school. I hear it's helpful if you go to class. I might, you know, tried that later in life, but I just, I just couldn't do it. And I go back to Ohio and I get a job, you know, in a bank because that was, I knew everybody was watching, right? So I get a, you know, get banking is respectable, and you can do that without a degree. And

they worked on Monday mornings. That was not working out for me at all. And I had a friend who had a friend in Florida, and he said we should go. And I said we should. I had always wanted to run away from home. I was ready. I made a run for the border with him. And two weeks later, when I called my mom to tell her where I was, she asked me why I didn't just tell her I was moving. And I thought, well, that's kind of stupid when you're running away from home.

And she said, you know, Beth, you're of age, you could have just left. And I thought, you know, I mean, it never once occurred to me that I was of legal age. And I could just say I'm moving and go. I mean, I was on the run

and, you know, I got a job down there at a convenience store and it was so transient down there that if you went to work three days in a row, you were management material. So I was assistant manager by the time I called her. And, you know, and she said something to me that she said a lot. She said how could you do something this stupid and land on your feet? It just made her crazy. She had this crazy idea there should be consequences for your actions. I never really liked that role. And

so I'm in Florida when now there's no checks on my drinking down there. And, you know, it's one of one of my rules in Ohio was don't drink before noon, you know,

unless it's 80° out, you know, since it's 80, crack that beer while I'm in Florida. Now it's 80 at 7:00 in the morning. You know, I lived in this little tiny town. It was 3 miles from one end to the other. And these people bought beer on this end of town to drink on the way to the bar on this end of town. Those are my people. And by the end of eight months, you know, I was looking like I was going to maybe have to move to Ohio, back home because I couldn't support myself. I was out of places to work.

I was out of guys to date, there was only three bars in that town. And I just was running out of options quickly. And I had so known that Florida would be my answer. You know, I, we have a friend in, in Cincinnati and he said really they should have just put a sign at the state line of Florida, Arizona and California that said this state doesn't work either. And we could all just, you know, if you see a car, pull up or read it and then just turn around and leave. You know, it's a alcoholic, you know,

but they didn't have a sign. So, you know, I'm down there and I'm thinking I'm going to have to move back. And then this guy, you know, miracle, miracles, this guy moves to town

from California and he didn't read the sign either. And that was, you know, he had everything I was looking for and a guy, he had a house, a car and a job. And of course, a joke was on me. He got tonsillitis two months later and didn't go back to work for about 3 years. But you know, I never, I never, what I've realized in sobriety was I never really like dated who I was dating. I was always dating potential. Do you ever do that? Just date potential, you know? Oh, this is who he's gonna be when I'm done with him. And

so anyway, we hooked up and that was just, you know, kind of five year slow, torturous dance that we did together. And and you know, it just was, is he alcoholic? I have my ideas. You know, you can't declare anyone else alcoholic. But and it was pretty easy to look good next to me back then, but I don't know how he would stack up next to, you know, somebody who wasn't one of us. And, and we moved to the keys. You know, we had this, our son, and then we moved down to the keys. We went down on 4th of July weekend. We liked it. We came home on Tuesday, moved

Friday with a baby and 400 bucks. Hey, let's move to the keys. Hey, mom, move to the keys. But don't worry, I'm assistant manager at this restaurant. You know, you can just hear her kind of pound in her head on the phone saying how can you do that and land on your feet? Because I, I was like that guy in the cartoons that walks down the sidewalks and the safes in the pianos just kind of crash behind them. You know, I mean, I just, I would get clipped every now and then, but I just never got what I should have gotten the first car I wrecked. I was just, I was just,

I shouldn't have been. Well, I drove because I couldn't walk and, you know, and I smashed into a bridge and there was no DUI. There was no license suspension. I got a bill from Butler County for the bridge

and I and I, the only time I was ever suspended from school, it snowed. So there was no school. You know, I mean, that's the kind of goofy stuff. They, they're so happy for me when I tell that one in the jails, you know, they're just so thrilled that I never got caught. But I just, that's the kind of stuff that happened to me. I just would skate out of it over and over. And I just kind of counted on that. I just kind of always knew I would skate somehow. And we moved down to the Keys and I got this, I'm aware this oceanfront resort in the Upper Keys. And it's, you know, there was another

down the road where the old like quiet money went. But we had all the Miami drug money where we were. And it was fast boats and outside issues and $100 bills and Tiki John's Rum runners. And it was, it was just all the security guards were bikers, you know, it just was a fabulous place to work. And I went from the restaurant to be in their night auditor. And now they've doubled my pay and there's seven bars on the property and I have a key to all 7 bars, you know, and they pay me. It's still, I think that might

the best job I ever had. And you know, my job at night I would go around and bring out the register at the one bar and we'd have a drink and I bring out the tiki bar and we'd have a drink. And then we go lock the elevator upstairs at the restaurant bar and have a drink and do some outside issues so we could stay up the rest of the night. And you know, 'cause I was a child of the 70s and there was stuff, you know, floating around everywhere and if you had it, I would do it. You know, you always hear this. My drug of choice, and I mean my drug of choice was yours, you know?

You had it, I would do it. And, you know, there was there was a lot floating around and and I did most of it, You know, an acute fear of needles probably kept me from killing myself. I still, I can't even look when they give me a flu shot. It's really embarrassing. But you know, I just it was there. I did it. And when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't struggle with am I an addict or am I an alcoholic? Because I realized that, you know, eventually everything that interfered with my drinking had to go. Everything, my kids

integrity, my employability and the drugs had to go too, because the drugs began to interfere with my drinking. I reached a point where if I did these, I was blacking out at 6:00 instead of midnight. And that's just not good on an extended period, you know, And if I did this, this over here was my kind of, I'm not drinking drug because nothing tastes good anyway. And there was a lot of that in the keys. And you know, the only one I miss sometimes is the diet pills because I it's the only time in my life where I was ever I was thin,

I could drink for days and my house was clean. You know,

I have never been able to accomplish all that together since.

But we, you know, it was expensive in the key. So we started a little kind of home based business, a little part time job and in addition to our regular jobs because there was a lot of importing and exporting down there as you can imagine. And so we opened up a little just local distributorship and

got arrested, as you could imagine. So I remember the, do you ever tell a normal person what you really think and then just look at the look on their face? You know, I told the probation officer that I really just thought of it as a part time job. And she just gave me one of those looks that they give us. And she said, well, Beth, you know it, you may think of it as a part time job, but down here we call it sale of a controlled substance. And I was like, oh, well, you know, but even that, you know, we kind of skated out of that too. And

by now I want out of my marriage cause a lot of this is he is my problem. But I can't say that I want out because that it will be my fault if the marriage fails, you know. So I just drank it so he couldn't stand it and he said get out, which is what I was working for. And when he said get out, he only had to say it once, 'cause now it's his fault. That's all I was looking for was it it would be his fault because I can't say I made a mistake. And I call my mom and she wouldn't relocate me in Florida, but she would send me a plane ticket back to Ohio.

And you know, what was I going to do? I had a 2 year old and a baby. So in 1984 I moved back to Cincinnati, OH. And I thought, OK, maybe maybe I should go to a, a, maybe. I really thought if I just quit drinking with bikers that my life would calm down. But, you know, 'cause So I tried like my mom's neighborhood, the whole neighborhood just kind of stepped out of an LL Bean catalog. You know, it just very

suburban and and I was not very suburban, but

I went to a bar in her neighborhood and and and the only guy in the whole place in a Harley shirt bottom, he had drink. So I was like, well, there you go. You know, what's the girl to do? But I tried a A and in Cincinnati in 1984. I mean, I was only 25 and young peoples was on fire down there. Icky Paw had just been in Cincinnati in 1983. They were they had a Monday night meeting that was 200 people. They had a Friday night meeting that was 150 people. It was enthusiastic, active, sponsored, structured Alcoholics Anonymous.

But like I said, when I walk into a meet, into any room, it splits into two groups, all of you and me. And I walked in and looked around and, you know, and, and I don't want to be new, right? Who wants to be new 'cause we know you don't know if you're new. So I'm, you know, I might have given them my name once, but people weren't really remember my name enough. And not that I ever volunteered anything past that. And you all knew each other and I just, I had to go, you know, 'cause I can go to a bar by myself. If I got 5 bucks, I'm good. You know, I know who can drink as much as me. I know

pool as well as me. I know who knows where the party is when the bar closes. That's all I need to know. And it's really easier to go to the bar by yourself because you never know when true love is going to strike. And you got to be, got to be free to go, you know what I mean? And can't, can't have to take your friend homes. And so I just, you know, I tried. And then by 1985, my kids were removed from my custody because I, I was home and there was nothing to drink and they were in bed and I walked down the street to the bar. There was a bar about four doors down

and my son woke up and he couldn't find me and he came out on the front porch and cried. And the neighbors called the police. And when the police came, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where I was 'cause my car was parked right out front. So they just called down to the bar to see if I was there and did I want to come home? And, and my mom got that call that no mom wants to get at 2:00 in the morning, you know, come get your grandchildren because your daughter is under arrest. And she had to get out of bed and come pack up those kids and take them to her house. My daughter was 115 months old and my son was three. She

was totally unprepared for children, but I'm not hurting anybody. Leave me alone. Butt out, mind your own business. You know, that's what I'm telling her. That's what we all tell our family. We're not hurting anybody but ourselves. But out. And so she gets these kids like she was my age now when she got the kids and and I went down to jail overnight. And then they told me that if I went through treatment, I maybe wouldn't stay in jail. So that seemed like a good plan and I found a treatment center. It ended up being all women and six weeks long. It was just God's

joke on me, but I was, you know, and I was going to get out and go be sober with my dad. And my dad died the 10th day I was in there. And I was devastated because I was going to go be Jim's daughter. I don't know how to be Beth. And now that's shot to hell. And it turned out I'm the only child of divorced parents. So I got all the insurance money and, and I got to drink like I wanted to drink for the next 2 1/2 years, but I didn't know that right away. And while I was in treatment, something interesting was happening because like I said, I'm

test taker and I already have my own big book when I got there, because when I lived in the Keys, I had been fired from that perfect job because I went to happy hour one day at 5:00 and I was still there at 11 when I had to clock in. And they weren't very happy with me. And so I went to an, a, a meeting because I kind of knew, you know, So in 1983, I go to the Tuesday night Key Largo group of Alcoholics Anonymous. And it's a small discussion meeting. Now, I've been to some meetings with my dad, but when they went around to introduce themselves, I would just say my name's Beth. I'm with him

because I don't know about you, but when you have a sober parent in a A, you can't wonder if you're alcoholic. You can't say out loud, you can't put out into the universe your name and the a word in the same sentence. You know, I've heard people say they just sat in the bar and said, oh, I'm alcoholic, who cares? But if you have a sober parent and you know there's a A and you say, oh, I'm alcoholic, who cares? A big book drops out of the sky. The bartender will hand you a meeting schedule and the A, A police will come get you and take you to a meeting.

So I never wondered, but I went to this a, a meeting in the Keys in 1983 and it was, it was a discussion meeting and there was maybe 1520 people there. So everybody's looking at you, you know, and they were very nice and they were very the meetings over at 9930. It's a Tuesday night. They invite me to Perkins.

Do they have Perkins here? Tim horton's, same kind of thing, right? So, and I'm just looking at these people, they're all old. I mean, they're 4050,

you know, old, old, old.

And it's 9:30 at night and they've invited me to Perkins. You know, I've got a Harley Park down the street and I'm just thinking, OK, it's Tuesday night at 9:30. I've just been invited to Perkins. My life is over.

I was a bar drinker and you know, but I went to my boss and told him I knew I had a problem. I was going to a A1A a meeting. I get my job back a a a works. It really does. And

I went to the Friday night Key Largo meeting and told him I got my job back. And that was pretty much the end of my, a, a career in the Keys. And then so I gave it a shot in 1984, you know, and, and I know I gave it a good two weeks. I mean, I know I did, but it just wasn't happening. And then in 1985, I end up in treatment. But I'm a rock star there 'cause I have my own big book already 'cause, oh, that's what I was going to tell you. When I, when I went to this meeting in the Keys, I called my dad and told him I'd been to a meeting and that I said I was an alcoholic. I guess the first time I ever said that I was an alcoholic

and, and within a week I got a box from him and I had a big book and at 12 and 12 each day, a new beginning, 24 hours a day, one day at a time, a tape of his talk, a few bookmarks. I don't know how long he'd been gathering it all up boy, but it one meeting, it's in the mail. The box is in the mail. So when I get to treatment, I have a tape of my dad's talk. I have my own big book already. I've highlighted what I in case you want to see what I think is important. You know, I've highlighted a few things in case you're flipping through

and and I'm a test taker so I can ace treatment. And I was the one that got to talk to women who didn't want to leave their children for six weeks. And I could tell them all the right stuff. Better six weeks now than forever later. Because if we're not sober, we can't be parents. But the problem was developing quickly. And that's what the book talks about, the a double life that we lead, the one we want the world to see and the one that we know is true. And what was happening was I was realizing pretty quickly that I did not want my children back,

that I was glad they were at my mother's house, that I was too hard to be a single parent. And at my mom's house, they were getting read to every night before they went to bed. And they were getting a bath every night. And they were sleeping on clean sheets. And they were going to daycare on time and clean clothes. And they were getting dinner at dinner time. And I couldn't do any of that. And I hated her for doing it. I would set her up. This is the kind of daughter I am with untreated alcoholism.

When my kids would come visit me on a weekend, periodically

on Sunday, I would start to talk to them about getting an apartment soon so we could live together again. Knowing it was crap, knowing it wouldn't happen, but knowing that they would go home excited and tell grandma about it and she would have to be the bad guy and talk him down. That's the kind of daughter I am with untreated alcoholism. But leave me alone. I'm not hurting you. You know, I can't believe what I put my family through.

And so the kids stayed at moms and now I've got the insurance money. So I kept drinking and, and for the next 2 1/2 years, I got to drink like I wanted to drink. And the kids stayed at my mom's. I went through treatment a couple more times to stay out of jail,

and by the end of 1987 I'm living in a friend's ad. Lived in an attic too. I used to say I moved into an attic apartment and when I was about 17 years sober, I realized it was not an attic apartment. It was an attic. It was not an apartment until I got there. And,