26th & Broadway group in Santa Monica, CA

Hey, it's Jeff and I'm an alcoholic.

I also like the alcoholically do drugs. I thought I'd just toss that out into the pot.

Really good to be here tonight. I want to thank Aaron for for having me, Aaron in the corner.

And by way of Kurt, who's a very good friend of mine. Yeah. And I love 26 and Broadway, man, this is a great place, great place for sobriety.

Always love coming here.

Yeah, man, I'll tell you what, I

I'm so blessed to be sober. So blessed to be sober. I, you know, because from the time when I first started drinking, it was like, you know, I wanted to be loaded all the time.

I mean, like, you know, because, you know, growing up, I grew up in a good family. You know, I come from a family and

there's no other Alcoholics or addicts in my family that I'm aware of. And, you know, my parents are still married to this day. I love each other very much. Always had, you know, food to eat, you know, clothes, always went to schools, played sports, all that kind of stuff. And, you know, I got to tell you that I believe I've been an alcoholic since the day that I've been born because as far back as I can remember, I can always remember having had the feelings of being restless, irritable and discontent.

You know, I was always judged who I was on the outside or who I was on the inside based on other people's outsides. You know the cards were never quite stacked up, right? You know,

I and

I was kind of a late bloomer as far as drinking goes. You know, I didn't, I really didn't even start drinking till I was till I was 19.

I and the man I, you know, once I once I found the alcohol, you know, and the drugs came not very long after that. But you know, it was like, it was like magic for me, man. I mean, it was, it was absolutely magic, you know, because of the very first drink that I took, you know, it was, you know, it was a really stiff Canadian mist, whiskey and Coke and,

you know, taking it and it, you know, it started warming up, you know, my throat on the inside when I saw it. It's got really warm, you know, and I was like, oh, that's kind of weird. And you know, and, and my buddies are like, I'll keep drinking. Just drink through that, man. I'll get better, you know, right. And they were right. It did. It got better,

Yeah, man. And it was like, you know, once the buzz started to kick in, once my head started to tingle a little bit,

started feeling good, I was like, oh, yeah, man, you know, the shoulders kind of got loose. You know, my tongue freed up a little bit. You know, growing up, I'd always been that, you know, that that kind of the shy, quiet kid that was really nice and, you know, respectful and polite. And I always did, you know, the stuff that people, you know, expected me to do and

said, yes, ma'am, yes, Sir, and please and thank you. And, you know, deep inside, I always secretly wanted to be that little bastard, you know, the one I'm talking about, the one that all the stories were told about, you know, all the kids are always talking about that little bastard. He did this and that. And, you know, I secretly wanted to be that guy, you know, the center of attention, you know,

you know, up to that point, the way that I saw it, there was two kind of people in life, you know, the people that, you know, that told the stories and the people that the stories were told about. And I wanted to put the shoe on the other foot, you know? And

so, you know, so is, is that bus starting to kick in? Man, it was like I felt the weight of the world come off my shoulders. I mean, it was absolutely magical, you know? I mean, it was like, you know, and, and from that very first, that very first episode, man, I blacked out. You know,

I was a blackout drinker from the very first time and,

and it was just man.

And I remember, you know, what it did for me and you know, it made me feel a part of it allowed me. And this is one of the biggest things that alcohol and drugs did for me. It allowed me to not care what people think about me. You know, I'm one of these people that man, no matter what, it's like I could be in a room full of people, you know, 100 people, 99 people like me. One person doesn't. I'm going to be focused on that one person, you know, you know, I'm going to make that person like me by the time it's all said and done. And you know, the way, the way that my head works, it's like I got this committee table right, this huge conference table up in my head

with like, you know, like 20 or 30 different personalities up there. And they're always squawking at me, you know, like you're not good enough. Nobody likes you. Why are you here? Nobody knows your name. You don't belong, you know, And it was like I started drinking, man. The committee got quiet, you know, the, the volume went down and, and, you know, when I started, I started feeling really good.

And, you know, and that's, you know, the cool thing about me when I was when alcohol and drugs were working for me, when I was getting loaded, is that,

you know, when I get loaded, man, I would, I would go to the happy place, you know, I would forget all my worries, all my concerns, You know, I could be having a real crappy day and you know, that would all go away because I, you know, I get, hey, man, it's great. It's happy, everything good, you know, good times. And, you know, no matter what was going on. And I just, you know, I love that because,

you know, I eventually got to the point, you know, where I was drinking every single day, you know, every single day. I was doing drugs, if they're available too, you know, and I'm a garden variety addict, you know, I don't, you know, just give me some. Tell me it's going to change the way I feel. I don't even care what it is, man. You know, I was smoking weed, popping pills, doing coke, crystal meth, whatever it is, man, I don't care. Give me something, man. Just tell me. It's going to, you know, anywhere but here. That's where I want to be. And, you know, I like to drink and drug with the kind of people that like to drink like I do, you know, if I'm stepping into the batter's box, I'm swinging,

you know, and

it's just, you know, once I, once I started getting into the groove, it was like, I just plan on drinking every single day for the rest of my life. You know, my idea of a perfect ending to my, to my, my fabulous alcoholic life would just be to, you know, one day grow old and end up sitting on a beach down in Mexico with a big fat Margarita in one hand and A, and a big fat blunt and the other one and just fade off into the sunset, you know, And that's exactly how I wanted to go out, you know,

and,

and man, that was my, that was my dream and goal, you know, and while I was up there, I had some great times, man, you know, I,

man, you know, being in, being in college, it was like, you know, I went to college and one of the, I'm really glad that I had the character defects of obsession and compulsion

because it took, it took me a little while to get through college, but I wasn't going to give it up, man, I was holding on with like this death grip. You know, most people get through college and, you know, four or five years and being the alcoholic that I was, you know, I managed to somehow cram 4 years into 7,

you know, and it was, and,

and it's, and it's, and it's funny because I, you know, I remember, I, you know, like, like college is when it really started kicking in for me. And I remember like, and I, it's fun. I was talking to my girlfriend about this the other day, but we, I had this, I had this class, man, it was like, I was working a full time job and I was taking a full load. And you know, it's just, you know, of course, drinking every night and being hungover and all that. And it was just really difficult to manage everything. And I remember it was like halfway through the semester and I had this, this guy walked up to me and he's like, he's like, he's like, hang in. Are you,

are you, did you study for that midterm that we have in like economics or something? And I was like, I was like, what are you talking about, dude? He was like economics. Yeah, you're in that class. I'm like, no, I'm not in that class, man. He's like, yeah, the instructor calls your name for roll, you know, every day. You're never there.

Oh God, man,

you know, and it, and it was true. Like I, you know, I ended up flunking the class of course, but but it, it's funny because even even to this day, I still have recurring dreams like, you know, like I got like, like, Oh my God, I wake up and it's like the last day of the class and I've got the final and like, oh God, I got to take this test and I'm not prepared for it. I didn't even know I was in the class,

you know, So that still comes out subconsciously, I guess. But you know, I also had the perfect job while I was out there drinking and drugging, You know, after I got out of college, I, I was an assistant cruise director on a cruise ship and oh man,

what a perfect job for an alcoholic. Oh my God,

you know, my my only job is to make sure that people were just getting loaded and having a great time.

OK, step right out of fraternity onto a cruise ship. You know what I mean? Like that was perfect and and it was a job that they actually encouraged you to be loaded while

you're doing the job, you know, because it was like, man, you know, I could at the time I was on this cruise ship, it was the second largest cruise ship in the world. I mean, it held like,

I mean it helps up like 4000 passengers. There was a crew of like 2000 people.

It was, I mean, it was like 1212 stories tall and like it would fit the Statue of Liberty like in the atrium of this ship. I mean, it's like absolutely enormous. And you know, like the beginning of every cruise, you know, the, you know, the cruise staff would come out and, you know, at the welcome aboard show and we do the whole thing and I give my little spill and, you know, a couple parties. I was hosting all this stuff and, you know, just hammered. Oh, man, and I love that, you know,

and our, our drink was, it was called a, it was called a woo woo. I don't know if anybody's ever had a woo woo,

but it's it's like vodka, Peach schnapps and cranberry juice. And boy, it goes in like nectar. But I'll tell you what, when you drink as much as I did, I always saw it again. You know what I mean?

Towards the end of the night, behind the DJ booth and the disco. Oh God,

but you know, but but you know, what ended up happening and it's like this, this job was not like rocket science, right? I mean, my job description, it was like, you know, leader of the spoon diving contest, you know, like, you know, host of the, the, the singles party, you know, the leader of the Putt Putt tournament.

And it's like, you know, it's not like I'm, you know, in rush hour traffic on the 405 trying to get to, you know, Santa Clarita or anything. I mean, it's like, you know, we're all like right there, you know, and it's just, I mean, you know, I just I go down the hall and go up the stairs and I'm like there,

you know, I assume how, you know, being loaded us somehow

always managed to be really late to everything I'm supposed to host, you know, I'm sure nobody in here can relate to that, of course. But you know, and it's just, I mean, man, and you know, and I started, you know, I kept messing up and they, you know, I started doing geographics on the ships.

Crazy, you know my

you know my boss, the cruise directors and you said, man, you're always late. You know, we got a better shift for you to go to. You know, they sent me over here, they brought me back and, you know, it ended up happening. Was,

you know, we were, we were, we were in Cozumel, you know, and it was, you know, during the daytime, you know, the crews that were, you know, we get to go out, we get to drink margaritas with everybody and

I'm a scuba diver, scuba whatever we were doing and come back on the ship. And, you know, I was, I would, you know, my friends were the, the band, you know, I was really good friends with the band, you know, the guys that always, you know, have the, the good weed and stuff. And I was with them. We're still smoking out. And, and I remember looking down at my watch and it was like, it was like, you know, it was like, it was like 730, you know, and I remembered like, Oh my God, I'm supposed to host the, the, one of the largest events on the ship, like the passenger talent show. We're not supposed to be there like 7:00,

you know, it was just like, you know, once again, too busy drinking and getting loaded to remember what I was supposed to be doing. And

man, I ended up, you know, going up to this auditorium, huge auditorium. I mean, it was like a, an auditorium like on Broadway. I mean, it was like, like a, you know, three level auditorium sat like 1000 people, you know, And so I started from the back, I started walking down, you know, and, you know, all these passengers are standing around in the front. You know, the, the crew steps down there that you know, my, you know, my boss, the cruise director was there and you know, all these people and, and, and they had to look.

If you're an alcoholic like I am, you know, that look right, Messed up again.

So in a Long story short, I ended up, you know, the security captain walked up to me before I even made it down to the front. And he's like, he's like, he's like, come with me, man. We got to go downstairs. I got to, I got to have you do a couple of tests like, oh man, here it comes. You know, up to that point, it was like the, you know, the hatchet had never really fallen on me to like really cause any significant. And I was, you know, I was just saying to myself, like, this is it man, this is. And so sure enough, you know, he took, he took me down and he, you know, he, he opened up the

restroom. He's like, hand me a little plastic cup. He's like, I need you to pee in this cup for me. One in there. And, you know, I walked in there. Of course, I'm still stoned and still just drunk off my ass, you know, and I'm like, no, walked in there and looked really nervous too, from being, you know, in the hot seat. And, you know, I, I, the bathrooms on those cruise ships are really tight confined here, especially in the crew area. And like the, the sink was kind of, you know, kind of holding over the toilet a little bit. And as I walked in there, you know, I kind of trailed through my elbow, hit the sink and I dropped that plastic cup right into the

and

and then my creative genius kicked in,

you know, that alcoholic creative genius that we all get when we get in tight spots. And I was like, oh, yeah, man. So I like scooped it up a fresh toilet water, right. And I'll watch out there. I'm like, here you go,

set it down. He stuck the little pH tester in there and guess what? I was clean.

Dodge the bullet, man, Unbelievable.

I was a slippery bastard, man. I don't there was a lot of times like that act that the hammer should have fallen on me and it and it didn't. You know, that's just that's one example out of many. But you know, afterwards my boss called me and you know, he's like, he's like, look, I don't I don't care what that test, you know, came up with. He was like, he was like, I've worked with people like you before,

you know, and you know, my experience is that you're going to get fired. You know, he was like, and I really like you. I don't want to have to fire you. So, you know, I'd like to go ahead and give you the option to leave, you know, if you if you want

and give me the option. And he was like, you know, but if you want to stick it out and see what happens, you know, I mean, you know, we're welcome to do that, but you know, why don't you take a couple days and think about it? Let me know. And so, you know, on my couple days of reflection,

I, you know, I reflected back on a lot of the jobs which I had lost, you know, gotten fired from for, you know, always some stupid alcohol or drug related reason. You know, I was loaded and I was an asshole to somebody or I couldn't show up to work or, you know, I wouldn't nice to people or, you know, whatever all those reasons, you know, that I've been fired before. And, and,

and I, you know, I realized that he was, you know, that he probably had a valid point, you know, and I, I decided to go ahead and take his option because, you know, I didn't want to get marked as a drug addict and an alcoholic, you know, in case I wanted to come back out and work on the ships again.

So and so I ended up, you know, so I ended up getting off the ships and it wasn't very long after that, you know, three or four months later. But I ended up moving out here to California and you know, I was out here all of about four months when I got my first DUI.

I mean, I'm a drinker and a driver, man. I know about y'all, but when I get loaded I want my car

because this party is going to get lame and I got to find a better one. You know? I got to be able to jam her. I'm going to be home drinking. I'm going to run out. I got to go get more,

you know, I'm going to get a call, somebody scoring some good stuff. I got to be able to get to it,

you know, or I'm going to be at work and I'm going to get loaded and I got to get home, right. So, so anyway, I ended up getting my first DUI and you know, I went to some a meeting. You had to go some a meetings with that little get well card that the court system likes to give the Alcoholics. And you know, I, I went to those a meetings and I was looking for the differences. You know, one thing, you know, if you, if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, one thing that we

like to suggest to the new peoples that when you come to these meetings that you listen for the similarities, you know, take what you can and leave the rest,

you know, because you're going to you're going to hear what you're looking for, you know, and I went to those a meetings and I was like, you know, I've seen the movies, man, I've seen TV. I know what an alcoholic is. You know, it's somebody that lives under a bridge and eats out of a trash can,

you know, and I, you know, I have clean clothes like, you know, I, you know, I'm employed some of the time and,

and you know, I'm not really homeless, you know, it's, I'm not an alcoholic, you know, so I went, I heard nothing but differences, you know, all fifteen of those meetings that I had to go to and you know, afterwards I was like, well, thank God I went to those meetings. And now I know for sure I'm not an alcoholic, you know?

And you know, the thought did occur to me like, you know, you can't drink and drive. You know, they don't take that lightly out here, apparently.

And, and so and so, you know, after about a month, I was right back to drinking and driving.

You know, if you're a real alcoholic like I am, it's just not possible to not drink and drive. I mean, you know, I'm definitely not going to quit drinking. And if you live in LA, you got to drive. I mean, I wasn't familiar with public transportation, you know, So

ten months later, I ended up getting my second DUI,

little little Fender Bender. I was on like three or four hits of Xanax, been drinking Guinness and am still all night. And yeah, I was just at that really comfortable place to where my, my reflexes weren't happening right when I needed them to. And

ended up ended up rearing somebody at the at a stoplight. And the way that I remember it happening was they they speed up like they were going to go through the yellow light and then they slowed down.

That's probably not what happened at all. The way I remember it, though, My story, and I'm sticking to it,

by the time I went to hit the hit the brakes, you know, of course I was a wet noodle and, you know, I was on the brakes, but I still rear-ended them and my car wouldn't start because if it would, I would have been out of there.

Trust me, man, I tried. I'm sitting there was like, come on, come on, come on. Start, start starting at Kentucky's like, you OK? I'm like, oh, yeah, man, I'm just trying to pull it off the road here, you know? But yeah, yeah. Highway Patrol pulled up and next thing you know, I found myself, you know, down to the drunk tank.

And, you know, I remember when I got down there and, you know, I was in that holding cell and, you know, there's a, you know, a handful of guys in there, but standing in the huddle and it's going around the circle and the guys are saying they're in jail for came to the guy before me and he said he was in for armed robbery. And I remember thinking, wow, man, I got screwed, you know, and I was, you know, I felt kind of somewhat comfortable. I've been in jail before, you know, this song and dance and came to me. I'm like, yeah, I'm in there for my second DUI and

the armed robbery guy looks over at me and he goes,

man, you're screwed,

you know, you know, And after that he pulled me aside and he goes, dude, you're definitely going downtown on this. He's like, he's like in downtown. You don't want to be the county lockup downtown. He's like, but that's what they're having game wars and racial stuff going on. People are getting killed and shit. He was like, you know,

he goes because I've been on there a couple times. He's like, he's like, and here's what you got to do, OK?

What you got to do when you get down there is tell them that you're depressed so that you can, you know, so you can, she can end up in the, you know, into the, into the, in the psych area. And, you know, relatively speaking, it's a good place to be. You know, they got color TV all day in the shower, hot showers are hot and, and all this stuff. And I'm sitting there thinking to myself, like, if my best option is to end up in the psych ward,

like, what is it coming to for me, man? You know, And so I was like, you know, apparently that was my only real option. So of course, like any other good alcoholic, I did take that option. And you know, when I got downtown to one of the most horrible things I've ever had to go through in my entire life, the process of getting both into county,

you know, because what it was, it was you know, like like 500 stinky, smelly dudes in a concrete room for like 48 hours and everybody's eating baloney sandwiches.

I had A and I know it's 48 hours because they had like six or seven different movies that played on the TV. And I'll show every single of those movies like six or seven times. And I mean, it was, you know, I remember one of the movies was that that old Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Eraser.

I don't know why I remember that particular one, but I remember quoting him. I'll be back.

I was back.

So anyway, they, you know, after like 48 hours, they, it was done. They, they Call My Name is time for me to go upstairs. And, and you know, I noticed like when I went up to the window, they've been giving them their, you know, the guys that their jailbird outfits are counting Blues rolled up. They're, you know, the, you know, the, the outfit you were in jail. And when I walked up, they didn't hand me the Blues. They handed me something that was like, it was like, it looked like a rolled up, like U-Haul furniture blinking.

And I was like, I was like, I was like, what's this?

Oh, that's a robe. Go ahead. That'll that'll be just fine. We're going to go ahead and escort you on upstairs.

And so and so they did. They escorted me on up to the 7th floor there at the Twin Towers.

Do you all know what the 7th floor is? Yeah, that was

for the honest to God, for real. Crazy people are like the real nut jobs. I mean, like, I walked up there and, you know, I could see the show that I was about to go into. They led me up, you know, up to the second floor and the into the pot. And I was walking down and and, you know, the first thing I noticed is that like, it's not like a area like any other jail I'd ever been in before. There's not bars. There's not like metal doors. It's like all glass

petting zoo or something. And you know, so I went up there and they led me. They led me down, you know, and I started, I started noticing like who my colleagues were in this area, right? The guy in the cell, like on one side of me is like slamming his head into the wall, you know, like he's out of a Stephen King movie. And the guy on the other sides like drinking toilet water, you know, he's, you know, and when I, you know, when I got in there, I'm just, I'm thinking to myself, wow, dude, this is, this is crazy.

And, and

you know, it wasn't, it wasn't very long that the, the drugs and the alcohol started to wear off, you know, and, and I'm sitting on the bunk and the drugs and the alcohol are wearing off and like my situation started to like fade in and take the color, you know what I mean? Like it got really, real, really quick.

And, and I was just, I was just sitting there, you know, and like, and I felt God sitting next to me on the bunk. And when I felt God say to me was if you continue to drink and use drugs, this is what you have to look forward to the rest of your life,

you know, but it doesn't have to be like this. And, you know, even then, even up to that point, I didn't want to quit.

I do not want to quit. You know, I had never in my entire life wanted to quit more than about, you know, a day or two so that my kidneys will quit hurting, you know, my lower back some, you know, a lot of mornings I wake up and I was like, I was like, yeah, but I'm not going to quit. You know, I don't have a problem. You know, I mean, I, I drink every day. I do drugs if they're available. And it's, you know, that's just the way I live, man. And and then I have what the big book refers to as a moment of clarity.

And that moment of clarity was they don't lock people in glass cages that don't have a problem.

Yeah. And and it was, and it was then in there. And, you know, and I remember the moments like right before I completely surrendered, you know, I mean, like, I remember the last couple of thoughts that I was having. I was like, I was like, I was like, man, if I quit drinking, I'm I'm never going to have fun ever again. Like, I really thought I was never going to have fun. I was like, I'm not going to be able to smile. I'm not going to be able to talk to people. I'm not going to be able to go out and do anything. Like how how do you live if you're not loaded? Like I, I really didn't know,

but then I was just like, you know what,

you know, if that's, if that's what it means for me to not have to live this way ever again, then I'm absolutely willing to do it. And so it was like I walked up to the edge of a Cliff, turned around and just let myself fall. You know, I didn't know if I was going to fall in jagged rocks or, or what, you know, come to find out, I actually landed on the most comfortable mattress I've ever laid on in my entire life, you know, but what happened for me, like, like when I surrendered, you know, when I totally and absolutely let go, you know, like it, like it talks about in, in the first step of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I don't know if you've ever looked up the word surrender in the dictionary, but one of the definitions says to join the winning side, you know, and, and I had a, I had an experience very similar to the one that Bill Wilson talks about in his story, you know, like the, like the white light shown around him and the wind from the mountain. So I blew through him and, and all that. And it was like I, I absolutely, it was like I felt the weight of the world come off my shoulders, you know, like I like I really did. It was like I let go and it was like I felt the weight of the world come off my shoulders. My head got light,

you know, I was like wow. And I just just this feeling of I'm OK, I'm going to be fine. Cam came over me. Very intense feeling. And, you know, and so

and, and, and so from there, you know, I was OK. I ended up being in jail, you know, like, you know, like, you know, a couple of two or three or four weeks. And, you know, when I got out, I got connected Alcoholics Anonymous immediately, you know, and I'm really glad that I did, you know, like when I got out of jail, trust me, I was tempted to walk right across the street and have a beer,

you know, because I needed, you know, I need a little vacation. But but the thought occurred to me like, you know, if I keep doing what I've always done, I'm going to keep getting what I always got because if nothing changes, ain't nothing going to change. And so, so I went to that meeting, you know, and you know, I remember like I started, I started meeting some, some, some of you people, you know, some of some of the guys would, you know, some of the old timers came up, some of the people who've been around here, some of the, some of the people that that had less than 10 days who sponsored had instructed him to come up to me,

you know, and I'm forever grateful to those guys. I remember, you know, you know, some guy with like 25 years was talking to me. Miles were like glazed over, you know, he's trying to tell me other stuff. And this guy came on music. Hey, man, my sponsor told me to come say I've got like seven days, you know, and I was like immediately fixated on this guy. I'm like, dude, how did you do it? You know, because it's like 25 years. I'll never do that. But man, if you got 10 days, I think you, I could probably go 10 days, you know, And he's like, I don't know, man, you know, I'm just calling my sponsor, doing the deal. And, you know, and I'm really, I'm really grateful to that guy.

And, but you know, some of the, some of the guys, you know, started giving me the suggestions. You know, one guy came up and he said, he said, he said, look, you know, when you find the winners in these rooms, who are the guys who have a smile on their face? You know, it seems like it's working for take all the suggestions that they give you and try everything for just the 1st 30 days, you know, and

you know, at the end of the 30 days, you know, if you're, if your life is not in a better place, if it's not going a little better for you, worst case scenario, your life can go back to exactly the way it was before and you only lost 30 days. You know, that makes sense to me. I'm like, yeah, I was in jail for almost that long. I can do anything for 30 days. You know, I,

somebody else suggested me, they said for as often as you used to drink and or drug, that's how often you should go to meetings. You know, if you, you know, if you used to drink every day, should probably go to a meeting every day. If you used to, you know, do drugs two or three times a day, you should probably go to two or three meetings every day. You know, that made sense to me too. And now I got a sponsor right away. I started, you know, I started working the steps, you know, 'cause the way that I live my life, like I said, man, if I'm stepping into the batteries box, I'm swinging for the fence, you know, I'm all or none. So I jumped in and started working the steps right away.

And, you know, I'm really, really glad that I did.

I,

you know, I started going to a lot of meetings, you know, and somebody suggested to me, they said, you know, once you find the meetings that you're comfortable at, you know, some of some of the meetings are in. There's, there's like a ton of meetings every single week in Los Angeles, you know, and they're like, if you go to meetings you don't like, keep going till you find some meetings. Once you find the meetings that you feel good at, then get a commitment at that meeting. You know, it gives it, First of all, it gives you a reason to be there. Secondly, you know, it gives you a purpose to be there. Like if you know, if you if you're not there for your commitment, people are going to know, you know,

and they were right, you know, because those people, you know, if something came up and I wasn't there, you know, you know, be getting calls from three or four people, you know,

which is crazy to me. Like the fact that three or four people actually cared that I wasn't somewhere, you know,

but um,

you know, and I, you know, like I said, I got a sponsor right away. And for me, you know what a sponsor is, it's just, you know, it's just a guide. You know, it's just a guide on this on a spiritual journey that I'm on. You know, it's kind of kind of like a tour guide, you know, because I, I grew up, I grew up in Texas, you know, and you know, we, I had a Jeep we like to drive run out in the country and like shoot at little furry animals. I was always loaded, so I never really hit much, but

but you know, and, and, and it's like if I went over to Africa,

you know, I'd be really tempted to like rent a Jeep and go drive around in the jungle, man. You know, if some guy thinks he can see some cool stuff, But the thing that I don't know, you know, I know that I want to see the lines and tigers, but I don't know how close I can get before they'll start charging on me. You know what I mean? And like, I don't know what 5 minutes

and you know, I don't know what what quicksand looks like. You know, I'd be you know, I like to drop fast too. So you know, who knows? So you know, all sponsor is it's just, you know, it's like that tour guy who, you know, the tour guides in the you know, in the truck with you, you're driving around and like, OK, there's a lions and tigers. OK, pull up a little bit further. OK, stop. close enough. Take all your pictures from here. You don't want to get eaten, you know, OK, you got a Big Lake of quicksand coming out. Stop. You're going to want to steer around it, you know, and that's, and that, you know, that's exactly what

in the program, you know, it's somebody who can, who can, you can steer me around the pitfalls, all the dangers, all the dangerous stuff and can show me all the great sites, you know, you know, like, you know, dropping by, oh, there's a great cave right behind these trees. You can't see it from here. We're going to go in there, you know, like that's, you know, that's what my sponsor was to me when I was new, you know, he was able to show me the great things about Alcoholics Anonymous and being sober and, and it was, you know, it was really magical. I worked through all 12 steps, you know, and, and

I don't know if you've ever really paid attention like when the 12th step is read, but there's a promise in there. And that promise is a spiritual awakening.

It says having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. And I absolutely had a spiritual awakening as the result of doing all 12 steps, you know, and for me, you know, it wasn't like a burning Bush experience. What it was like for me is it was like my spirit just kind of woke up and I realized it like life is going on around me, you know, my, you know, my whole life I've been like this huge barstool dreamer man talking about all this great, wonderful stuff I'm going to be doing, you know, from a barstool. But I was always too, too hammered to ever get anything done,

you know,

and, and so, you know, sobering up and having that spiritual awakening. Like, man, I started, I started doing some stuff, you know,

and I started doing some stuff. I'm a scuba diver, man. I started getting out and diving. I started trying, you know, I've done a lot of traveling. I got my motorcycle license this past year. You know, it's like it, it's been just this, this great, wonderful, beautiful journey. And I know I've got like like 2 minutes left probably. And there's a lot more I want to talk about, but I, I want to close with this. I'm, I'm really, really a huge proponent of, of working the 12 step carrying the message. I'm, I'm really involved with H and I and,

and, you know, I've got to give this thing away in order to keep it, you know, and my life today is so good that I don't want to do anything to mess it up. I remember it was about three or four years ago and I was at the, I was at the Venice Beach meeting on Sunday and friend of mine was, I hadn't seen it in a while. I got sober in Hollywood, you know, for like my first five years. And, and, and I saw him at the meeting and he was telling me about like, you know, five or six people that had been friends of ours who, you know, who were around when I'd gotten sober. He had between like 15 and 25 years

in this particular year, like seven or eight of these people had like gone out and, and I was just, I was like, how does that happen? How does somebody who has 15 to 25 years sober, who's done the deal, sponsored people had all these commitments. How, how does that, how do people like that end up going out? And I'll never forget what he said. He goes, he goes, These are people that have been standing in line at the all you can eat for free a, a buffet all these years taking taken, taken to where it eventually got to the point where they felt like Alcoholics Anonymous had nothing left to to give them.

And so then what happened? It's always the first thing you hear when people go out and they come back. They always tell you I quit going to meetings,