The monthly potluck dinner in Wright, MN

Hi everyone, I am Chris, I am an alcoholic. I am glad to be here tonight.

Thank you for the invite, Andy and, uh,

hum had a nice little drive up here. I was hoping that I had a chance to get to meet a few of you in the potluck here. Maybe I'll stick around and say hi, uh, afterwards. Uh, I have, uh, keep an eye here, uh, 40 minutes, uh, left, right around there. Yeah, I can talk all night, but I won't do that to you guys.

So, umm, you know, one of the thoughts I was paging through the big book on the way up here and I, I noticed that as a tribute to our friend Andy up here,

that there isn't a chapter for the one eyed, no teeth alcoholic mechanic mechanic alcoholic. But I could just see it happening where we had to, you know, chapter on the one I one eyed mechanic. I thought that was, would be fun. He's actually got a great life and a great story. I'm glad that you got to know him here, up, up up here a little bit. Uh, I met, uh, Andy in the East Side group down in Saint Paul,

uh,

some six or seven years ago and done. And I know

Dennis and a couple guys here from some of the 12 step workshops we've had, uh, a little bit about myself. Umm,

I'll turn the, uh, old age of 30, uh, in, uh, June of this year. And, uh, my sobriety date is, uh, December 15th of 2001. Uh, so coming up just shy of a decade of, uh, of recovery and, uh, and I'll tell you that my life, I've been in Minnesota the whole time. Uh, I came up here for

treatment when I was 20 and, and my sponsor, when I finally made-up my mind to get one, told me that relapse didn't have to be an option for me and that and that if I wanted to be sober and if I wanted to a different life, that, that it was right there for me and that he would be there for me so long as I wanted it.

And thank God I didn't have to drink again

to date. But it's a one day at a time deal, isn't it?

You know, God willing, I'll be sober before I go to bed tonight and be able to wake up tomorrow and have another,

uh, run at it. Uh, the good news is over time, the run at, it's, uh, oh, it's gotten a lot different. Uh, and I've, I've learned, uh, you know, we talk about being a recovered alcoholic and I don't know if you guys know Andy, he talks about being a covered alcoholic and you know, I've, uh, I've had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps. Umm, means I have a relationship with God means that, uh, that I've, I've learned, uh, what it takes and things I need to do

on a daily basis so that God can keep me from taking a drink. And, and as a result of that, I've got, uh, a lot of blessings in my life, you know? Umm, and what it really comes down to is, is relationships, It comes down to people that didn't really maybe know how much I loved them, how much I cared about them. You know, the, the foundation of my story, you know, was really

in November of 2001.

Uh, it was right around that time of year where you get the harvest moon. And at that time I had been, uh, I always had a lot of trouble when I was drinking. I'd end up in handcuffs somewhere having some kind of problem with the cops. And so my, my story includes a little bit of mixture of things, so to say. Umm, but I would, uh, I would tell you that I,

uh,

there was a harvest moon on November TW, 2001 and I was with my girlfriend that night and there was a tunnel that we walked through and I had to have been on some combination of sedative and alcohol that landed me on the rocks. And, and I was laying in my girlfriend's bed. I was thinking about killing myself. I was thinking maybe I should jump out in front of a train. I was thinking that maybe, maybe this life was just

continue gonna gonna continue to be one day after the next,

harder and harder and harder. For anybody who's drank longer than me, I think I had a drinking career of maybe 5-6 years.

Anybody who's endured the agony of alcoholism longer than that, I've got a special place in my heart for you

because I know that there's a part of me that didn't want to have to live that way. There's a part of me that knew that, uh, I didn't have a choice. That no matter what I did and no matter how hard I tried, that I was going to end up drinking again. And when I came up to Minnesota, that was the biggest fear in my mind was that it didn't matter that I decided that I didn't want to drink, that I was done with it forever,

that I was going to do it again. And

you know, thank God, I don't have that fear today. I don't have a fear that

that that's gonna happen to me because God carried me this far. Why would he drop me? Why would he do that?

So so that Harvest Moon, November 2001, I was laying on my girlfriend's bed. I was thinking about

how I probably a lot of people would feel sorry for me. A lot of people would come to my funeral,

a lot of people would go, gosh, that Chris, he was such a nice young fella. Uh, I feel, I sure feel sorry for the guy that he had this terrible illness, this terrible addiction, this terrible alcoholism thing. And umm, and you know, he was, he was, uh, he was alright. And for me, uh, there was one thing that kept me from doing that.

And, uh,

and, and that was love, you know, I, I, I think there's a part of my heart that knew that there was more to life, that there was a part of my heart that knew that there's maybe something to live for. Is a part of my heart that knew that, uh, that I didn't want my family to know before I died that I,

that I, that I didn't love them and uh, and so I set up prayer that night. I was three in the morning. I was

fearing for my life and and my girlfriend's bed

and I picked up the phone. I said a prayer and I said, God, if you're up there, if you're out there, I need, I need your help.

I was raised Catholic. I knew a bunch of set prayers and stuff but couldn't remember them because I didn't make much use of them. And,

and so I tried to say our father tried to say Hail Marys and it, it wasn't doing well. I was kind of struggling with it, but I remember for sure I said, if you're up there and you're out there, I need your help. I need it right now. And

I was able to settle down enough

that I the thought came to mind that I should call my parents, tell them I loved them. And I thought I was gonna die. And I've been using and drinking. And so I did. I picked up the phone

and my girlfriend thought I was crazy and I called him and my mom picked up the phone on the other line and I told her. I said mom, I love you. And I just wanted to let you know that I'm scared that I think I'm gonna die.

I'm scared that I've been using, I've been drinking and and I just wanted to let you know that I love you. And because I really meant it. There was a part of me that that's God that had to let my parents know that I loved them. And that was something that came out of me because I said a prayer, I think, and I really did fear for my life. They told me later when I went to treatment that

that if I would have continued in the state of mind that I was in, I would have been locked up,

that I would have been in some sort of psych ward and some sort of drug induced psychosis that I wouldn't have been able to get out of.

And, and I believe it. I don't know, I shoved all kind of stuff in my body that day because, you know, for me, I, it,

I'm, I'm the kind of alcoholic that

I, I wanna feel different. It doesn't matter what's available, you know, And for me, alcohol was very readily available substance. And hey, I I like the effect that alcohol produced when I drink.

I can talk to you a little bit about that.

But anyway, after after I said that prayer I my dad came up and drove 5 hours in the middle of the night

to come see me and

got there at about 8:00 in the morning. I was shaking in my bed

and

my life was a wreck, and my dad saw it for what it was. He saw his young son who tried to hide from the fact that I was a real alcoholic for my family, and he saw the garbage that was everywhere and the garbage that was my life and I knew it.

I just didn't want anybody else to know. I didn't want people who loved me to to know that I was suffering.

I didn't want people to know that, that I was having a rough go of it and,

and frankly, I was scared that they would take away the thing that I love the most. Well, I can't say I love it the most because, gosh, I something strong about that, uh, uh, element of love that God put in my life to tell my family that I love them. I think I love my family more. I think I love my life a little bit more, but, uh, you know, maybe not what was going on, but the fact, you know, that I had a breath inside of me

anyway, uh, you know, but I did love alcohol.

I uh, and for me to lose my best friend, for me to lose, uh, what I thought I needed that my solution, uh, what, what it was inside of me that, umm, that I felt like I really needed. I was scared to death that they were gonna take it away from me. I'd never be able to do it again. And drink, that is.

And maybe I was right. I guess I was right. It didn't turn out to be such a bad thing. You know my uncle, he jumped off a bridge when he was 30,

637, in New York City. He was an alcoholic. He's an addict

and he lost his life and for 20 years my mother knew that

that that alcoholism kills

and she was when she got that call that night, she knew that I had very serious problem and I worried her death. I worried my parents to death over the whole thing. They knew I had some problems before that, but anyway, because I had had DUI S and whatever. But again, so

that's a little bit about my life before I came to Minnesota. I came up to Minnesota and I and the reason why I came up here was for treatment.

I I ended up deliberating over some time. They had somebody come out and 12 sent me,

umm, you know, talk to me about

treatment and they basically said, Chris, you either go to treatment or you're on your own.

And I knew for me, that meant that I was going to end up

I, I knew what the, I knew what the other end of the story was. And so let's let's talk about a little bit about that

and how it works. At the end of How It Works, it talks about our personal adventures before and after.

Well, I knew what my personal adventures before recovery were. I knew what was what was coming down the road for me. A whole lot more misery, a whole lot more hardship, a whole lot more challenges. And if not that my, you know, and if not all that, most likely my life at some point. I knew that

the road in front of me was not a pretty picture. That tunnel that I was walking through with my girlfriend, That light at the end of the tunnel,

I'll tell you, that light didn't shine very brightly for me.

So

I came up to treatment

per the urging of my family and I deliberated over that decision because I knew that it was going to mean a lot of changes for me

for a little while and think there's an element of God that entered me to come up to Minnesota and I came out here. I went through treatment at Center for Youth and Families, Hazelden and Plymouth and after a 30 day stay there,

I was at UH Progress Valley. It's a halfway house in Uptown Minneapolis and I was there for 90 days and I wanna talk to you guys about hopefully for the rest of the time I talk here is, uh, is a little bit about my personal adventures after and some stuff about recovery that I find really neat.

I like to I was telling the guys on the way up here that, uh, when I speak,

I like to pick a theme. I like to share my little bit about myself, pick a theme, let you guys know

some thoughts, some experiences that I've had about recovery. And I think the theme that I want to talk about is, is hope and change. I think hope and change and recovery. And since everybody seems to like that idea, I think in Alcoholics Anonymous it has a special meaning, and it has a special meaning for me in my life.

Hope.

It's something that I've had for myself since I came up to Minnesota.

Pope for me was that I'd never have to take another drink of alcohol in my life.

Hope that I'd never go back to the life that I was living.

Hope that

someday my family would forgive me, my friends and people that I'd hurt. Forgive me for the wrongs that I'd done in my life.

Hoped that I could have good friends, that people would like me, that

that I would have a a good job.

Hoped that I'd be peaceful, that I would enjoy my life, and that I wasn't gonna be a veil of tears.

A lot of those hopes are things that I found in the big book that are promises for us if we do the steps, if we if we're serious about recovery. And I can tell you that in many ways, those hopes have been realized.

Umm, I still have a lot of hope for myself, for my life. One thing I understand about it is that

for sure,

I'm not even close to being the hopeless alcoholic that I used to be. I'm a long way from that.

Change is something that is referenced a lot in spiritual experience. It's referenced

in in

all sorts of promises and I think I wanted to read a couple things about that and maybe share some things about my ex adventures, personal adventures after in recovery that have been meaningful about that I think a lot of people love. And I guess, well, I, I wanted to get started with a few pieces in the book that I was thinking about

on the way up here. There's everybody loves the acceptance was the answer. Uh, and I think there's something in there about, about change. So let's see

and page 417 what everybody talks about in meetings. If you haven't heard it, here it is. And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation,

some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober.

Unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I could not be happy.

I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

So let's talk about this a little bit.

First prayer I learned in a A is a serenity prayer. There's a long version of that prayer that I love,

and in the long version

it says that maybe that I'll be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with him forever and the next that accepting hardships is a pathway to peace.

Nothing in there that says I'm gonna get sober and everything's gonna be OK. My life is straight and narrow arrow that's that's destined for rich and fame and glory and everything without any hardship whatsoever. That sobriety is supposed to be about not having hardship. On the contrary,

for me it was about learning how to deal with hardship

from alcoholism. I don't care how old you are is something when me alcoholic without a drink for a day, it's a miracle if I don't pick up a drink. It's amazing that that there's some power that would enter my life that would allow me to be OK so I don't have to drink. Because for me,

I never had that power. I always wanted the drink. Didn't matter how much I didn't wanna drink, I was gonna do it.

So

there's hardship in recovery, especially dealing with my alcoholic mind. I got one of these hamster wheels that likes to just go on and on and on about this great story of life. That is me. I am the most entertaining thing to me in the planet. And in case anybody doesn't know, I mean, I don't know if this is news to you, but.

Chris Alcoholic,

I am I, I'm, I'm the most amazing thing in the world according to me

in my mind. And it's all about me. It's all about me and my life and jeez, everything that I've got going on and all of my hardship and troubles and, and wants and needs. And I mean, I could go on and on and on about how much is going on with me that you should know and care about and embrace as something that is crucial to life in this world as we know it.

And the reality is

I am just another human being amongst about

6 billion of us,

and

it just so happens to have one of these alcoholic minds that it's really self-centered and

fearful and

concerned about me and what's gonna happen to me.

So when I read this, acceptance was the answer to all my problems.

You're I have to deal with and somehow register with this idea that nothing, absolutely nothing happens in work God's world by mistake.

Well, how can that be? So, see, everything's supposed to go my way. Everything's supposed to just flow in this natural world where everybody understands that I've got needs and wants that, you know, shoot, if I want a Diet Coke, I expect somebody to read my mind to bring it to me. And if not, I'm going to be mad.

Seriously. And so sometimes it's hard for an alcoholic like me to understand that I live in God's world

and, and furthermore, that nothing happens by mistake. That's hard. So what, what's what? I kind of left off on hope. And maybe where hopes are for me today, my hope for myself is not only that I stay sober and, and, and all of that, but that I never lose sight of this understanding that I live in God's world and then nothing happens by mistake. And that and that I hope that I I'll, I'll embrace and understand

that that this world in my life is not about me. That's like a big, big lesson for Alcoholics to learn, OK? This life as you know it, it's no longer about you, OK? If you want a chance of staying away from a drink and you wanna have this God thing working, you gotta understand that this whole life thing,

because I've been spared from death, it's no longer about me. Because I'm spared from not taking a drink

every day, it's not about me anymore. God's granting me that reprieve. And so if I can just get it through the thick head that life's not about me, then everything opens up. Everything becomes a lot clearer

and I'm not so concerned with all these plans and ideas and it's not so concerned about what's gonna happen to me.

And, and that's hard. I, it can be hard. And I think we're given a special opportunity and, and I, I, I want to talk about this because it's something that's come up recently. So

I drink all the time before I'm 20 and, and I have all these serious wants and desires to be rich and maybe not that successful liked

by everyone,

but I really don't care that much per SE because what am I doing every day?

Well, I'm, I'm drinking. OK, I mean, I drink maybe not every day, but you know what reality was as soon as they had the opportunity to drink like I wanted to, boom, I was gone. And for me to drink, I gosh, didn't really ever want to have three drinks. Why would you ever want to do that? You know, so I would drink for till the money was gone. I would drink And so the the booze was gone. Whatever. It normally takes a couple hours, maybe 10 or 12, I don't know. Maybe if you get started in the evening, it'll be, you know, five and then I pass out. I don't know,

it just it was unpredictable. The part that I loved about alcohol was that it was exciting, is that it was unpredictable,

that I could drink, and who knows what's gonna happen? It's gonna be an adventure, you know, Who cares about all my serious problems? I'm gonna have fun.

This is gonna be great

because this isn't boring. This is me, you know, drunk. And that's gonna be fun and unpredictable and adventure. And then I get sober and it's all about being serious and how I've gotta get everything back in life and how my money situation is just a a wreck. And you know, my, my, you know, my friends and, you know, girls friends and

sex situation. And gosh, I gotta get all serious about my family. I mean, I've become all serious

and all serious all the time. And this idea of having an adventure, which is exactly what Alcoholics Anonymous talks about having, leaves my mind and it becomes work. It becomes a chore. And being sober is a chore. It's something that I have to do because I can't drink.

Well, I I don't know. I've been given a lot of guidance by a sponsorship and God and whatever. OK, so so I'm supposed to have an adventure. It's supposed to be fun.

I'm supposed to be enjoying myself.

I always loved the line and I heard it from somebody. I can't take credit for it, that a, A is like sex. If you're not enjoying it, you're not doing it right. And I love it because guess what? Who doesn't want to do that, right? You know,

Anyway, so,

so I wanna have fun, but I've got this alcoholic mind that's all serious and and it's and it's hard. Well, I can tell you

that there is some hope that it talks about and a vision for you. Vision for you is one of those chapters in the 1st 164 pages all the way at the end and nobody ever reads it. So let's talk about it.

A vision for you

now and then. A serious drinker being dry at the moment says I don't miss it at all. Feel better, work better, having a better time. As X problem drinkers, we smile at such a salary. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark. To keep up the spirits. He fools himself inwardly. He would give anything to take half a dozen drinks to get away with him. He will presently try the old game again, for he is not happy about his sobriety.

Hmm, OK, so

you say yes, I am willing, you know, to get out from under, but am I to be consigned to a life which I SH which where I shall be stupid, boring and glum like some righteous people? I see, I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I have you a sufficient substitute? Yes, there is a substitute and it's actually more than that. As a fellowship and Alcohols Anonymous. There you will find,

released from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination will be fired. Life will mean something at last. The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. Thus we find the Fellowship, and so will you.

Well, there's some hope in that, right?

So what had to change is me to get to understand that. Well, I guess the fellowship of a a is the meetings. It's, it's where I show up on a regular basis. I share about my life. I share about the steps in the book and recovery and my experience with God and this, you know, all this stuff. And that's where people like Dan and Evan over here, you know, get to meet people like myself and Andy and you know, all of you fine folks. And we talk about our our lives in recovery and it's all good.

OK. So that that means for me that if I'm gonna be happy and and recovery, I need to have more going on in my life than just me. I need to have some other people. I, I can't be lonely, right? For me, you know what? It's it's hard. I I've always been sort of a loner. Want to do things my own way

and and the first thing I've got to do is get to know some people in recovery and they're all different for me. Well, guess what,

Uh, I, uh, I, I moved up here to Minnesota, I, I needed to find some, uh, some people who were sober because all my friends were drinkers. And so I showed up in AAI, found some people were so sober and, uh, and they told me to stick with the winners. Pretty simple.

So I ended up cycling through a lot of people. Uh,

uh, because not a lot, not a lot of people 20 years old are very serious

about recovery. And it took me a little while to understand what I needed to do. It took me a little while to understand, umm, some things, but there was something I was doing and that was prayer. I was doing the serenity prayer. I was, umm, and I was, I was trying to be open to some things and, uh, I'm grateful for that. So there's this hope in this fellowship, and sobriety is supposed to be fun, but I'm all serious.

But I'm

I'm thinking that this is gonna be a chore, that this isn't an adventure. So how can I get away from that?

God started to show some some things to me as I went through the steps

in the third step

talks about,

uh, commitment. It talks about, umm,

that guy would build and do with me as he would.

Well, what are you gonna build?

What's he gonna do?

Umm. So I was three months sober. I was in

Minneapolis

and

I was starting to look at my four step after just taking the third step. And I was,

I was living with a guy who had been sober nine years, dry drunk, and he didn't like me very much, nor did I like him.

And I was trying to be happy. I was dealing with a lot of stuff in my life and I didn't have any money in my pocket

and and he gave me two days to pack up and find somewhere else to live.

And I had this monstrous resentment towards the guy that somebody has disheveled as me that was living on the corner of 28th and 1st Ave. by the Kmart where everybody distributed

drugs. That that somebody living in the ghetto could could show some poor young guy some some good fortune and not give me two days to find a place to live without money in my pocket. And my sponsor encouraged me to not take a bat to his head.

My sponsor encouraged me to read through

some parts of step 11 that talked about praying for the right thought or action, pausing when agitated and or in doubt.

And and, and some things in the fourth step where it talks about how we deal with anger and, and that I should see that he was a sick person, which I could easily see this guy is really sick.

And that I that I should sort of see to it that I could treat him as a cheerfully as I would a sick friend. And they talk in there about asking God to remove anchor, this sort of thing.

And so I did that and I went from wanting to take a baseball bat to his head to telling him goodnight and and getting on with the business of the objective, which was to find another place to live. Because I think if I would have taken a baseball bat to his head, I probably would end up in jail somewhere in Minneapolis. Not a good idea. And I was very angry. So who knows, right? Anyway, so I finally did something that my alcoholic mind was, was, wasn't telling me to do,

which was pick up the phone call. My sponsor gave me some big book advice. I did it. And then, wow, something happened. Uh, I didn't wanna kill him anymore. And I went to sleep and, uh, and he, you know, he talked to me about finding a place to live and I said, umm, you know, he told me that, that I should, uh, try and leave the problem in God's hands, that I should, uh, pray, uh, that, uh, that I'd be aware of the, the, you know, things I needed to do that day

to try and solve the problem and, and outside of that, get on with the business of life and trying to, trying to do what I gotta do. And, and,

and, and so I end up walking into the restaurant that I was working at and,

and I had about one day to find a place to live

and didn't have any money in my pocket. And I see this person who's the general manager where where I work. And the thought came to my mind that I should ask him if you knew of anybody looking for a roommate.

And so I did. And I went up to the little bakery line and, and I asked him and he said, yeah, I'm actually looking for somebody to live in my basement.

You know, how much is it? You know, some 400 something dollars a month, $400.00 a month. OK, you know, it's, I can probably do that maybe. And, uh, when can I move in? Well, you can, I'll come by tonight and, uh, you can come check it out. You can move in tomorrow.

Oh, OK. So that problem was solved, and all I had to do is just what I was just describing to you. And boom. So the guy comes and picks me up. I end up getting over there, seeing that, hey, it's six blocks away from where my sponsor lives. Six blocks and one of the nicest areas of one of the nicest neighborhoods in Minneapolis down by Lake Calhoun.

And I'm going. I used to drive. I used to ride around there thinking, gosh, maybe in like 30 years when I'm all rich and stuff, because I've been sober and working hard for so long, I'll live in this neighborhood and my life will be great.

And, uh, and there I am four months over and I end up living in the neighborhood. How about that? Now it's a basement. I didn't have a bed to my name. And when you pulled all the stuff out of the little trailer thing there, I could probably, uh, fit it all into a little bag, uh, about

UH-555 maybe. I didn't have a lot of stuff. Add some clothes and some old

pictures and frames and you name it. Not much at all. So I move in there and the guy gives me a bed to sleep on. He gives me uh, uh, some, uh, some sheets and, uh, and I had a cool little area in my own little bathroom and right next to the laundry room and everything. And the problem was resolved and I got on my knees that night and I cried on my knees and I said God, thank you.

And I couldn't believe it. That something that I used to freak out so much about,

uh, something that I was really worried would cause me to go drink.

Problem solved. And I started to see, I started to get a glimpse of maybe what life would be like if I was serious about recovery.

And I knew that if I didn't do my four step, I'd end up like the dry drunk that I was living with. So I that gave me some extra incentive to do my four step because I would be really angry. And who wants that?

So life goes on and I started to understand what this build with me and do with me business was. OK, I'm gonna give my problems to God. Things that I would normally worry about and try and figure all kinds of crazy things out and put myself at risk and you name it. And I'm just gonna take my problems, whatever they are, and I'm gonna try and see if God has an idea.

I'll be open to that. Does He have an idea? Maybe there's something that'll work. And I kinda think and do as you would maybe have me do. I don't know. I don't know how that works.

So I started to do those things and I started to realize that if God solved my problems and I asked God to help me solve them, then I better give God credit for solving them, right? And then it was simple as that, that it talked about how if, if, if my difficulties were removed. Well, what are my difficulties? Well, my favorite to think about is this house thing. But really my real difficulties are the fact that I'm the selfish alcoholic that has these hundreds of forms of fear and self pity and self delusion

and how I think I should be CEO of three M with no experience and all sorts of stuff like that, that I get so wrapped up in me. And those are my real problems. And God's gonna give me victory over these so that I can bear witness to those he would help of your power, love and their way of life. OK, so what's this whole way of life and all this stuff? Well, way of life that I've, I've, I've understood an A, A is, hey, my way of life was not working. It ended up with me drinking

A. A's way of life is let's try some things different and see if you get a different result.

We'll see if I if things work a little better for me. So what's happened in my life since all this stuff. So what's happened is 18 months later, my mom, who was so worried about me, told me that she didn't worry about me anymore, that she loved me. And, and she put the past, you know, where it is and that she is so proud of me that, that, that, that I could go through what I went through. Years later we've talked about this and she's told me Chris,

I just can't even describe to you

how much that meant that you would call because of God

and tell and just wanted us to know that you loved us. We know you love us. OK, now we might not have known because of your actions in the past, the fact that you lied to us as much as you did. You name it how much how many times we were crying and dad was you know and and and and you know me and my dad were having problems, you name it. I mean, I was AI was a lot of trouble and

and for her to say she didn't worry about me anymore and that she loved me

was huge. My dad told me he was proud of me Good and all right, that's great. I, I remember it meant so much to me.

There are so many nights in my first two years of recovery where I was meeting with my sponsor once a week. I was going to maybe six or seven meetings a week and umm, and I was starting to learn how to do things. And guess what? Things started coming back. Recovery had to be the most important thing in my life. Umm, I worked this job that I wasn't, that I was underpaid and wasn't ready for, or I'm sorry, was, wasn't, you know, was too good for in my, in my eyes. And I did it. And you know what? It was good for me because I I needed to.

I needed to learn how to be sober. I had no idea. Went back to college, ended up graduating and guess what? I graduated from college, Dean's list, you name it. Everything was going good. Then some things started to happen in my life that were a little harder. That recovery isn't just this whole Rd. that just goes woo woo without hardship. There are going to be things that are going to be hard for me to do with OK.

And I went to Boston, I when I was six years sober,

five or six years sober, work to the start up wasn't going to happen.

CEO liar, uh, lost 10 grand in the process. Umm, the, uh, financial collapse 2008 was not very good to me, even though I tried outsmarted. I could tell you more a little bit later about that. And uh, and finally, uh, in May of 2009, I was injured in a car accident and I've been recovering for the last two years from car accident. And, uh, so I'll be up on 4 surgeries related to the accident. One 'cause I had my wisdom teeth removed, but two hip surgeries and a wrist surgery and shoulder surgery at the beginning of March.

And I've had three major, uh, advanced paint operations, uh, as a part of all that. So as what, what am I to do when life throws me a curveball? Well, something that's been helpful just so you know, umm, that uh, I sponsor people and people started instead of, instead of me having to go out and run all over the place, there's some calls that I got from intergroup and people would show up and I had opportunities to sponsor.

Uh, that's been helpful because all I can do when I'm in pain is think about myself

and how much I hurt

other things.

I, I've heard fist steps. I've, I've gone and I've gone to meetings, even though I don't go to as many as I used to. You know, I'm, I'm going to meetings twice a week, OK. And,

and, and I keep prepare life active and God's help me be peaceful through a tremendous amount of difficult things to deal with. And as a result of all of that,

umm, I've got good friends of my life, people that show up for me today. No matter what, my family loves me, cares about me. And umm, you know, a stronger relationship with my dad who saw his younger son, you know, walking around on crutches and coming out of surgery twice this last year. My dad was there for me for my hip surgeries. They're both going to be up in town in about a week and 1/2 for when we do the operation on my left shoulder. And my life is improving. But does it mean what do I do about this whole situation?

Well, all I can do is try and reach out to God and to my fellow Alcoholics and the people who love me and care about me and keep going, right? And

and it hasn't been easy, so.

If I didn't have recovery, if I didn't have this whole God thing working on in my life, I guarantee you I would have drank a long time ago. Guarantee it