The Hope and Serenity monthly speaker meeting in Sacramento, CA
Now
it
is
my
great
pleasure
to
introduce
our
speaker
for
this
evening,
Dave
W
from
Fair
Oaks.
I
was
going
to
write
that
down
too.
Hi,
everybody.
I'm
alcoholic
and
this
thing's
moving
around
a
little
bit.
I
guess
it'll
hold
on
how
we
doing
today?
I
don't
think
so.
We're
getting
up
up
here,
OK?
No,
everybody,
we
got
some
water.
We
got
it
just
right,
cooling
down
a
little
bit
in
here.
Yeah,
I
think
that's
great.
The
air
came
back
on
it
right
then.
I
was
thinking
we're
going
to
get
meltdown
tonight,
but
I
appreciate
the
privilege
of
being
able
to
share
it
tonight.
It's
nice
to
see.
We
got
a
full
house
here
today.
We
got
quite
a
few
people
out
in
Texas
right
now
and
they
had
a
wonderful
meeting
tonight.
And
for
those
of
you
are
new,
we
we
got
an
international
going
right
now
and
there's
probably
somewhere
in
the
neighborhood
of
over
60,000
people
in
a
stadium
that
they're
just
wrapping
up
just
about
now
in
San
Antonio.
So
Alcoholics
Anonymous
definitely
works
and
it's
a
phenomenal
thing,
but
it
is
amazing
and
I've
always
thought
this
it
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
basically
a
retail,
not
a
wholesale
program.
This
is
nice
to
share
from
the
podium,
but
the
real
action,
the
thing
that
seems
to
work
the
best,
is
when
one
alcoholic
reaches
out
to
another
and
something
happens.
It's
magical
and
I
have
to
be
a
little
careful.
I
do
some
things.
We
talk
a
little
bit
once
in
a
while
and
sometimes
it's
so
easy
to
get
things
way,
way
out
of
proportion.
I'm
right
of
a
guy
down
South.
I,
I
talked
about
this
story
a
lot
of
times.
It
helps
me.
I
don't
know
if
it's
any
good
for
you,
but
this
guy
did
a
lot
of
talking
down
South
and
he
got
kind
of
wrapped
up
with
his
ability
and
his
spiel.
And
he
got
asked
to
go
out
and
do
the
one
of
these
deals
where
it
was
out
in
the
country
and
it
was
one
of
those
where
they
give
you
the
directions
where
you
go
down
3
miles
where
they
have
the
broken
barbed
wire
fence.
And
I
got
the
mailbox
hanging
on
the
left
side
of
the
tree
and,
and
then
there's
a
big
barn
with
a
crow
painted
on
the
side.
And,
and
he
gets
there
and
there's
a
barn
opened
up
and
there's
hay
all
over
the
floor,
nice
and
smooth
and
a
couple
of
bales
set
up
in
rows.
And
it
looks
inside.
There's
this
one
little
guy
setting
up
the
coffee
machine
over
on
the
side
and
that's
it.
And
a
being
that
he's
a
fairly
substantial
speaker
and
is
at
least
in
his
own
mind,
he's
waiting
for
the
crowd
to
show
up.
And,
and
it
gets
closer
and
closer
to
the
meeting
time.
And
he
finally
walks
over
to
the
little
guy
that's
making
the
coffee.
And
he
says,
he
says,
I
don't
know
what
to
do.
He
says,
it
looks
like
it's
just
you
and
me.
I
don't
know
what
we
should
do.
And
the
guy
looks
up
at
him
and
he
says,
well,
I
don't
know
much.
I'm
just
a
farmer
and
I
haven't
been
very
much
educated.
But
if
I
went
out
to
the
North
40
to
feed
my
cows
and
only
one
showed
up,
I
wouldn't
let
her
go
home
hungry.
And
so
the
guy
took
that
as
his
cue
and
he
proceeded
to
get
up
to
the
podium
and
talk
for
an
hour
and
57
minutes,
this
little
guy
sitting
on
a
Bale
of
hay
watching
him
attentively.
And
at
the
end
of
the
meeting,
he
claps
and
they
they
start
packing
everything
up.
You
know,
they
pack
up
the
coffee
pot
and
everything
like
that.
And
he
couldn't
help
it
was
driving
him
crazy.
So
finally
on
the
way
out
the
door,
he
said,
he
says,
hey,
I
got
to
ask
you.
He
says,
how
did
it
go
tonight?
And
he
said
I
need
this.
He
says
so.
So
basically
he
says
to
the
guy,
he
says
how
did
it
go?
And
he
says,
he
says,
well,
I
don't
know
much.
I'm
just
a
farmer.
I've
not
been
educated
much
at
all.
And
he
says,
but
if
I
went
out
to
the
North
40
and
only
to
feed
my
cows
and
only
one
showed
up,
I
wouldn't
damp
the
whole
damn
load
on
her,
you
know?
So
unless
we
take
ourselves
too
seriously,
I
want
to
thank
the
committee.
We
had
a
great
dinner
tonight,
met
some
new
friends.
We
had
a
wonderful
conversation,
cover
all
balling
and
crying.
And
and
it's
how
this
works.
I
mean,
it's
amazing
when
you
find
new
people
and
you
connect
and
you
realize
the
commonality
and
you're
like
that.
We
were
having
a
serious
discussion.
I
was
fortunate.
Today
was
an
interesting
day.
I
mean,
I
don't
know
about
you,
I
drank
this
way,
but
I'm
sober
this
way,
but
started
off
early
this
morning.
A
guy
was
on
the
front
porch
and
we
started
talking
and
then
a
couple
of
other
guys
called
and
I
said,
well,
why
don't
we
all
meet
at
my
place
about
1:00
and,
and
it
was
just
barely
enough
time
to
get
changed
and
go
out
to
dinner
with
the
with
the
crew
today.
But
it's
been
a
full
day,
and
I
don't
know
about
them,
but
I'm
treated,
you
know?
And
you
know,
I
drank
for
a
reason.
I
came
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
and
I
wasn't
sure
why
I
was
here
at
first.
I
remember
my
first.
We
were
talking
about
that
today.
My
first
John,
was
about
3
weeks
sober
and
honest
to
God,
we're
we're
going
up.
We
found
out
somebody
knew
that
there
was
a,
a
National
Convention
up
in
Canada
and
it
was
in
Vancouver
and
that
seemed
like
a
good
idea.
So
we
took
off
on
our
cars
and
we're
driving
up
and
we
pull
off
in
somewhere
in
Medford,
OR
and
somebody
had
a
is
back
in
the
days
when
everything
was
printed.
So
they
had
a
printed
directory,
a
world
directory
of
members
of
Alcoholics
and
us.
We
called
somebody
up
in
the,
in
the
area
of
Medford.
They
were
so
tickled
that
we
called.
I
remember,
I
never,
it
was
just
my
first
introduction
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
But
these,
these
ladies
took
out
their
best
China
and
served
as
coffee,
called
all
their
neighbors
that
were
a
member
of
our
organization.
They
brought
them
over
to
the
house
and
they
wouldn't
let
us
leave.
They
just
wouldn't
let
us
leave.
They
were,
they
had
a
speaker
meeting
going
that
night
and
and
they
wanted
us
to
go
to
the
speaker
meeting.
And
I'm
kind
of,
you
know,
new
at
this,
but
I've
been
around
for
a
while.
I'm
a
keen
study
of
what's
going
on
in
a
A
and
people
talking
about
the
basis
of
the
people
say
things
like,
you
know,
you're
really
self-centered.
You're
going
to
think
everything
is
about
you.
And
I'm
kind
of
going,
OK,
I
got
that
one
and
on
and
on
and
on.
And
so
we're
at
this
meeting
that
night
and
they
talk
about
identification
and
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
here
we
are
in
the
middle
of
the
sticks
in
Medford.
I'm
a
city
guy
and
we're
out
with
the,
the
local
population
and
this
guy
is
at
the
podium
and
he's
doing
a
little
speaker
meeting.
It's
not
a
big
one,
but
it's
big
enough.
And
we're,
we're
back
as
far
as
we
could
get
in
the
back
row
out
there
trying
to
hide
out.
I
got
my
two
buddies
with
me
and
the
guy
is
talking
from
the
podium
and
how
he's,
he's
really
different.
I
mean,
this
guy
did
25
years
in
the
pen
and
he's
talking
about
having
a,
a
behavioral
disorder
so
bad
that
even
when
he's
in
the
penitentiary,
most
of
that
25
years
he
did
in
solitary
confinement.
He
couldn't
get
along
with
the
inmates,
could
not
get
along
with
them.
Absolutely
upside
down
crazy.
And
he
was
talking
about
what
had
happened
to
him
and
how
he
was
able
to
come
back
out,
have
a
career
being
a
different
life.
But
about
this
period
of
time
when
he
was
in
that
prison
and
his
attitude
and
his,
his
approach
to
life
and
how,
how
upside
down
it
was.
And
periodically
during
that
pitch,
he
would
look
out
there
and
he
would
say,
you
understand
what
I'm
talking
about.
And
at
first
I'm
going,
that's
it.
That's
what
they
told
me.
You
know,
you
know,
I'm,
you
know,
it
looks
like
he's
looking
at
me,
but
that's,
you
know,
they
give
me
the
Q
and
AA
that
has
nothing
to
do
with
me.
And
he
keeps
talking.
And
pretty
soon
one
of
my
friends
hits
me
in
the
he's
elbowing
me
in
the
rib
cage
and
he
goes,
do
you
know
that
guy?
And
I
said
no,
you
know,
and
it
goes
a
little
further
on
and
I'm
thinking
this
is
crazy.
And
pretty
soon
my
other
friend
bumps
me
and
he
says,
you
got
to
know
that
guy.
He's
he's
looking
at
you
and
and
I've
been
in
some
pretty
good
jams,
but
I
managed
to
squeeze
out
of
doing
long
term
time
and
and
at
the
end
of
the
meeting,
that
guy
walks
right
up
to
me,
looks
me
right
in
the
eyes
and
he
says,
you
know
exactly
what
I'm
talking
about,
don't
you?
And
I
did,
you
know.
I
did.
And
I
didn't
know
nothing
about
being
in
the
joint,
but
I
knew
about
absolute,
bone
chilling
solitary
confinement,
you
know,
in
a
crowded
room
by
the
way,
you
know,
of
my
life.
I,
you
know,
and
lifestyle
was
living
the
things
like
I
did.
Yeah.
You
know,
it
got
it
long
since
outgrown
that
warmth
and
connection.
And
this
guy
was
talking
from
the
heart.
And
I
began
to
understand
what
you
people
were
talking
about,
about
identification
and
about
being
able
to
hear
yourself
in
another
person's
story
out
of
context,
perhaps
from
the
way
you're
raised.
But
it
went
in
and
all
of
a
sudden,
a,
a
started
to
have
some
credibility,
you
see.
Yeah.
And
another
thing
that
they
said
was
about
why
I
drank.
I,
I
really
thought
I
liked
the
taste
of
Jack
Daniels.
I
really
did.
I
mean,
I
was
absolutely
convinced
I
did.
And,
and
I
did,
you
know,
but
what
I'm
saying
is
I
like
lemonade
too.
And
I
never
went
out
at
3:00
in
the
morning
on
a
stormy
night
looking
for
lemon.
So
it's
easy
to
get
distorted
about
what
we
like
and
what
we
don't
like,
you
know?
And
what
I'm
getting
at
is
it
said
that
an
alcoholic
like
me
drinks
essentially
because
I
like
the
effect
produced
by
alcohol.
And
I
think
that's
a
pretty
long
sentence,
you
know?
And
I
couldn't
tie
that
together
too
well
until
I
looked
at
that
for
a
while
and
I
began
to
look
at
what
was
going
on
in
my
life.
And
earlier
on,
I
think
I
was
all
of
the
age,
about
eight
or
nine.
I
talked
about
this
one
a
lot
but
I
was
already
upside
down
and
sideways
in
life
and
confused
and
I
don't
know
what
the
hell
is
going
wrong
with
me.
My
parents
had
shipped
me
out
to
these
experts.
It
kind
of
feels
lousy
when
you're
when
you're
shipped
out
to
an
office
and
everybody
kind
of
says
take
care
of
them,
you
know,
and
send
him
back
when
he's
better.
And
they
were
looking
at
me
and
they'd
always
look
at
you
with
this
enthusiastic
look.
I
don't
know
if
you've
ever
been
treated
by
professionals,
but
they,
it's
like
they're
rubbing
their
hand
and
they
go
home.
Boy,
we
got
one
and
we,
they've
got
a
long
list
of
their
credentials.
And
I'm
not
saying
there's
probably
a
lot
of
people
that
do
a
good
job
in
that,
but
I've
been
through
this
before
and
it's
like
they
got
a
long
list
of
credentials
on
what
they're
going
to
do
and
they're
just
happy
as
hell.
But
they
got,
you
know,
they
got
a
victim
to
work
on
and,
and,
and
you
go
back
the
first
week
and
then
the
2nd,
about
the
third
week,
you
can
see
that
they're
puzzled
and
they're
kind
of
looking
at
you
and
they've
lost
their
confidence
and
they're
trying
to
figure
out
what
the
hell
we
got
here,
you
know,
so
I
was
losing
my
confidence
real
rapidly
in
experts
being
able
to
figure
out
what
was
wrong
with
me.
And
I
was
precocious
and,
and
sideways
as
far
back
as
I
can
remember.
And
I
went
in
for
an
operation.
It
just
so
happened
I
developed
a
tumor
and
they
thought
it
would
be
serious.
So
they
were
going
to
have
it
surgically
removed.
And
I
remember
going
to
the
hospital
and
I,
I
went
into
the
hospital,
I
didn't
like,
I
was
pretty
young.
I
didn't
like
staying
overnight
somewhere
else
like
that
with
these
strangers.
But
anyway,
they
came
in
the
middle
of
the
night,
they
put
me
on
a
Gurney
and
they
took
me
down
to
a
room
and
it
was
a
well
lit
room.
It
was
really
bright
and
I
was
scared
to
death.
I
just
remember
thinking,
what
in
the
hell
are
they
going
to
do
next?
And
all
of
a
sudden
they
took
this
thing
out
that
looked
like
a
Mr.
Coffee
filter
and
they
put
it
over
my
face
and
I
thought,
what
in
the
hell
is
that?
And
then
they
started
to
drip
something
on
that,
and
it
was
the
most
phenomenal
thing
I'd
ever
come
in
contact
with
my
life.
Up
until
that
point
in
time,
I
had
never
come
into
contact.
I
levitated
up
off
that
table
and
went
to
another
room
that
they
said
wasn't
there.
But
the
point
I'm
getting
there
is
that
I
had
never
been
in
an
experience
like
that.
It
was
like
everything
changed
in
my
consciousness.
The
temperature
changed
just
like
tonight.
It
also
in
the
room
got
cooler.
You
know,
the
I
was
I,
I
didn't
know
what
fear
was
because
I
lived
in
it
every
day
and
all
of
a
sudden
I
was
in
the
absence
of
it.
It
would
be
like
being
in
downtown
New
York
at
rush
hour
and
suddenly
not
being
able
to
hear
any
of
the
cars.
It
was
the
strangest
feeling
it
ever
had.
It
was
absolutely
quiet
and
it
was
peaceful
and
I
didn't
know
what
that
was.
Those
demons
had
stopped
yelling
at
me
already.
I
hadn't
had
a
drink
yet,
by
the
way.
You
know,
we'll
talk
about
that
later.
But
what
I'm
getting
at
is
I
now
had
been
under
the
influence.
I
didn't
know
it.
And
what
they
did
is
they
started
to
pull
me
back
from
that
room
because
they
were
finished
downstairs
and
I
wasn't,
I
didn't
want
to
come.
I
was,
I
was
going
to
stay
in
the
mezzanine
and
and
they
yanked
and
they
yanked
and
I
came
down.
I
got
sick
as
a
dog,
which
is
what
you
do
when
you
come
in
contact
with
that
kind
of
thing.
But
I
found
out,
I
guess
I
say
this
a
lot
because
I
would
think
it
was
pretty
serious
what
they
were
doing,
and
you'd
think
I'd
be
real
concerned
about
what
the
prognosis
was
because
they'd
cut
some
stuff
out
of
me
and
I
wasn't.
I
was
so
fascinated
with
what
happened
in
that
room
that
I
only
wanted
to
know
one
thing.
What
did
they
put
on
that
mask?
And
I
put
two
and
two
together
within
about
two
years
and
I
was
off
to
the
race
track.
I
found
out
that
was
a
derivative
of
alcohol
and
it
was
the
medicine
that
I
had
never
found
up
until
that
point
in
time.
And
it
fixed
me
as
best
as
I
know
how.
I
mean,
it
would
literally
made
it
a
world
that
I
could
sit
back
into
and
I
stopped
dropping
out
of
school.
I
was
out
of
school
for
periods
of
time,
but
it
got
me
back
to
integrate
back
into
life
and
anything
that
can
change
a
room
that
drastically
that
quickly
and
that
much
I
was
already
incapable
of.
It
was
I
needed
that
to
exist.
And
that's
what
it
said.
It
said
that
I
drink
for
the
effect,
and
the
effect
is
prior
to
that,
that
coming
in
contact
with
that
mask,
I
was
experiencing
already
the
symptoms
of
alcoholism.
I
was
feeling
restless,
irritable,
and
discontent.
That's
mine.
If
you
take
a
clock
on
a
pendulum
and
you
look
at
that
thing
and
you
just
let
it
wind
down,
I
don't
know,
maybe
I'm
guessing.
I
don't
know
what
it's
like
to
be
normal,
but
I
think
most
normal
people,
when
they
get
right
in
the
middle
and
all
wound
down,
they're
peaceful.
I'm
not.
I'm
actually
restless,
irritable,
discontent
at
my
normal
state
of
being.
That's
the
way
I'm
wired.
When
I
exert
myself
with
some
of
the
things
you've
taught
me
here,
I
get
out
to
the
other
extremes
where
I
can
feel
peaceful.
But
if
I
don't
keep
widening
that
clock,
I'll
come
right
back
down
to
my
normal
state
of
being.
And
I
don't
think
anything's
changed
in
all
the
years
since
I
came
here,
you
know,
but
what
I'm
here
to
tell
you
is
I
made
a
passion
of
going
with
my
medicine
and
I,
and
I
followed
it
with
everything
I
could.
I,
I
can't
imagine
anybody,
I
don't
know
if
there's
anybody
in
here
that
just
gave
up
because
they
got
tired
or
something
like
that.
I
didn't,
I,
I
made
a
pact
with
myself.
I
studied
my
parents.
They
were
obviously
didn't
follow
their
own
goals
very
well.
And
so
I,
I
figured
out
where
they
had
made
mistakes
and
I
decided
that
I
wouldn't
make
the
mistakes
I
made.
And
I
and
I
did
everything
I
could
and
I
moved
around
in
life
and
I
got
places
and
I
needed
to
go.
And
I
woke
up
many,
many
years
later
in
a
place
that
I
just,
I
pinched
myself.
I
basically
had
become
what
you'd
call
very
successfully
materially.
I
had
a
very
well
run
business.
I
had
lots
of
friends,
you
know.
But
what
I'm
trying
to
say
is
I
wasn't
sleeping
under
the
bridge,
you
know,
and
things
were
getting
better
supposedly
on
the
outside,
but
something
was
going
on.
I
would
get
these
spells
that
the
medicine
was
starting
to
get
intermittent
and
it
would
come
and
go.
It
would,
it
would
flame
out
once
in
a
while
and
and
I
would
get
more
restless
inside.
So
it
take
a
little
bit
more
of
the
medicine
to
get
me
back
to
the
place
where
I
first
started.
And
I
kept
going.
I
just
kept
pushing
and,
and
striving
to
accomplish
and,
and
produce
things
in
life.
I
was
raised
from
the
right
from
the
saddle
as
a,
as
a
kid
that
if
you
want
something
and
you're
willing
to
work
hard
for
it,
it's
yours
for
the
work,
you
know,
so
I
wasn't
the
one
that
thought
that
you
sleep
in
and
expect
everything
to
come
to
you.
It
was
just
like
hard
and
life
will
open
up
to
you.
And
that
was
my
experience.
And
the
more
it
opened
up
and
the
more
it
produced,
the
emptier
I
got.
And
it
was
the
strangest
feeling.
I
remember
I
met
Larry
years
ago
and
I
got
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I
had
enough
to
feed
several
neighborhoods
and
all
these
things,
people
that
still
wanted
to
talk
to
me.
And
I
had
become
completely
empty.
And
I
don't
know
what
the
hell
was
wrong
with
me.
It's
a
special
kind
of
hell
when
you've
had
more
good
fortune
than
anybody,
you
know,
and
it's
not
enough
to
make
you
feel
full,
you
know?
And
I
didn't
know
what
the
hell
was
wrong
with
me,
you
know?
I
was
laying
on
couches
talking
to
people
and
I
couldn't
get
rid
of
this
hole,
this
empty
hole
that
was
stuck
in
the
middle
of
me.
No
matter
how
much
I
achieved,
no
matter
how
many
times
I
got
an
award
again,
something
like
that,
I
felt
like
appealed
zero.
And
I
didn't
know
what
the
hell
was
wrong,
you
know?
So
when
you
got
a
problem
like
that,
you
just
drink
a
little
more,
you
know,
And
as
I
did
it,
people
started
to
get
cranky.
I
don't
know
about
you,
but
I
people
would
at
that
point
in
the
life.
It's
amazing
how
your
best
friends
start
getting
real
cranky
and
baking
out
and
seems
like
everybody's
got
PMS
or
something
like
that,
but
they
lose
their
sense
of
humor,
you
know?
And
so
we
started
to
have
to
narrow
our
lifestyle
a
little
bit.
People
wouldn't
ask
us
back,
you
know,
and
things
kept
happening
like
that
over
and
over
and
over
again.
And
but
I
was
dedicated,
and
you
really
can't
be
much
of
A
drunk
if
you're
willing
to
let
a
few
things
like
that
distract
you.
So
I
kept
drinking.
In
fact,
towards
the
end
of
this,
it's
no
person.
I
mean,
there's
probably
people
in
the
trades
like
that.
But
just
to
show
you,
the
last
year
before
I
sobered
up,
the
last
year
I
can
remember
being
on
the
board
of
directors
for
a
major
detox
facility
and
I
kept
thinking,
don't
pass
out
in
the
meeting,
it's
not
going
to
look
good.
It
was
terrible.
I
mean,
it
was
like
a
wolf
in
the
chicken
house
and
I
was
living
a
life
that
was
totally
a
lie,
totally
back
as
we're
the
double
life
in
spades.
You
know,
I
had
a
poor
sick
father
and
I
was
a
Golden
Boy
and
they
had
asked
me
to
join
the
board
because
of
my
illustrious
career
in
the
outside
world
and,
and
the
fact
that
I
took
concern
on
this
pitiful
drunk.
And
here
we
got
one
of
the
live
wires
right
there
in
the,
in
the,
in
the
middle
of
the
whole
thing,
you
see,
and
everything
in
my
life
was
going
to
hell
in
a
handbasket.
I,
I
can
remember
I
couldn't
drive
anymore.
I
would
have
these
terrible
things.
I
had
a
business
and
people
sought
after
some
of
the
things
I
was
doing
and
it
was
embarrassing.
I'd
be
right
at
the
point
where
I
was
ready
to
close
the
sale
and
I'd
lose
consciousness.
And
that's
really
hard
to
close
one
when
you're
on
the
ground
when
you
wake
up,
you
know,
people
don't
want
to
sign
the
contract.
You
head
out
and
already
to
sign,
you
know,
and
I,
I
decided
what
most
Alcoholics
do
I,
you
know,
I've
been
educated,
I've
got
a
high
IQ.
So
I
did
the
homework,
man.
And
I
looked
at
it
and
I
arrived
at
this
conclusion
that
I
had
a
brain
tumor.
And
so
my
next
step
was
to
buy
a
lot
of
medical
insurance
to
take
care
of
my
family
and
my,
you
know,
in
my
hereafter.
So
I,
I
was
doing
the
responsible
thing.
I
was
treating
what
I
had
diagnosed
was
wrong
with
me
and
keeping
it
under
the
covers
because
if
you
come
clean
on
that,
you're
not
going
to
be
able
to
buy
any
more
insurance.
And
I
was
treating
my
brain
tumor
and,
and
passing
out
and
things
like
that
were
becoming
regular
habitual
habits.
And
we've
moved
towards
the
end
we've
moved
to,
Oh
my
God,
I
thought
we'd
died
and
gone
to
heaven.
We
moved
into
a
neighborhood.
There
was
people
just
like
me.
There
were
people
that
were
supposedly
successful
people
all
over
town.
We
were
all
living
in
the
same
neighborhood.
We
all
seem
to
like
to
have
a
little
party
once
in
a
while
during
the
week.
And
everybody
had
a
standing
deal
where
if
you
ran
out,
you
come
over
to
our
place
and
use
whatever
stock
we
got.
So
it
was
perfect,
you
know,
it
was
like,
I
don't
know,
it
was
just,
it
was
really
something
and,
and
we
ran
hard
in
there
and
that's
where
I
really
started
to
crash
and
burn.
And
one
of
the
guys
down
at
the
end
of
the
street
was
in
the
car
business
and
he's
very
successful
with
that
himself
and
he
ran
with
me
for
a
long
time
and
so
I
knew
who
he
was.
If
you
live
much,
I
got
traveled
around
the
world
and
stuff
like
that.
You
could
take
one
of
us,
put
a
blindfold
on
and
spin
us
around
in
circles
and
drop
me
in
a
foreign
country
and
within
3
minutes
I'd
find
another
alcoholic.
I
just
know
how
to.
Locate
my
own
kind
and
how
to
have
fun
and
find
things
that
are
going
on.
And
so
we,
he
was
like
me
and
I
knew
he
was
one
of
us
and
he
started
showing
up
at
our
parties
with
a
glass
of
7UP
and
it
was
a
dam
missing
diversity.
And
not
really
because
we,
you
do
that,
you
get
in
trouble
and
you
gotta,
you
know,
you
gotta
swear
off
for
a
few
days.
But
what
I'm
trying
to
say
is
he
showed
up
the
next
weekend
with
a
glass
of
7UP,
then
the
following
weekend
and
the
following
week
and
it
was
driving
me
crazy.
It
really
was.
I
just
kept
thinking,
how
long
can
he
do
this?
I
mean,
if
it
was
somebody
else
doing
that,
it
wouldn't
have
been
a
big
deal.
But
I've
never
seen
somebody
drink
with
that
much
passion
that
can
go
with
7UP
that
long.
And
I
was
looking,
I
kind
of
thought
he
had
a
trick.
So
I'd
be
talking
to
you,
but
I'd
be
listening
over
here
because
I
was
trying
to
figure
out
what
his
secret
was
and
he
was
demonstrating
that
the
virtual
impossible
to
me.
I
had
never
seen
that
before.
It
was
he
was
doing
something
that
a
drunk
can't
do
and
he
was
going
one
day
at
a
time
without
a
drink.
And
it
was
like
he
was
screaming
at
me.
And
mind
you,
this
guy
never
once
ever
said,
Hey,
David,
you
want
to
look
at
your
drinking?
He
never
said
a
word
to
me
and
it
was
like
he
was
screaming
at
me.
So
you,
whoever
you
are
out
there,
you
know,
especially
of
you
that
been
around
a
little
while
or
some
of
you
that
knew
what
I'm
saying
is
people
watching
whether
you
think
they
are
or
not.
Yeah.
And
what
we
do
is
very,
very
important.
You
know,
there's
no
fine
free
time
in
this
life
and
you
know
what
I
do
what
you
do
and
everything
like
that
is
what
you
do.
It's
not
the
this
way
or
that
way,
but
it's
going
to
have
an
effect.
You
know,
I,
my
thing
was,
I
thought
I
was
the
only
one
that
I
ever
affected
and
I
missed
that
by
1,000,000
miles.
But
what
I'm
getting
is
that
guy
was
the
loudest
message
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
I
ever
heard.
And
he
never
once
said
a
word
to
me
until
the
end
came.
I,
I
got,
I
went
to
a
party.
It
was
a
Valentine's
Day
party.
It
was
February
13th
in
1983
and
I
had,
I
had
absolutely
busted.
It
was
all
the
stuff
had
gone
out
of
the
bottle.
I
could
not
get
anything
to
feed
me
anymore.
If
I
could
have
stayed
out
in
my
field
another
moment,
I
would
have
absolutely
would
have.
I
had
no
desire
to
quit
drinking
or
whatnot.
I
just
couldn't
get
anything
more
out
of
the
bottle.
It
had
gone
flat
and
the
more
I
drank,
the
more
pushed
me
down.
So
I
don't
understand
any
other
way.
It's
just
that
was
my
experience.
Is
that
it?
It
had
to
stop
working
for
me.
And
I
went
to
him
and
I
had
one
of
those
nights
where
my
tongue
wouldn't
work
and
I
couldn't
talk.
And
I
walked
up
to
him
and
I
was
trying
to
Babble
something
out
and
he
he
intuitively
knew
what
was
going
on.
He
just
said,
Dave,
he
said
don't
even
try
to
talk
to
me
right
now.
He
said
just
go
home
and
get
some
sleep
and
call
me
in
the
morning.
And
in
the
morning
he
called,
I
called
and
we
talked
and
he
got
me
to
your
people,
you
know,
and
it
blew
me
away
what
was
going
on.
I
First
off,
I
thought
I'd
come
in
the
wrong
room.
You
know,
people
were
laughing
and
carrying
on
and
seemed
to
be
happy.
And
I
thought
there
was
nothing
freaking
funny
about
medicine,
of
the
medicine
going
away.
That
was
not
funny.
I
had
not
coped
on
the
face
of
this
planet
for
years.
And
the
people
be,
you
know,
be
like,
be
like
going
into
insulin
shock
and
saying
there's
no
more
insulin
on
the
face
of
the
planet.
I
mean,
that
was
not
a
happy
scene.
And
there
was
nothing
to
be
laughing
about.
And
people
were.
But
I
I
had
enough
trouble
going
on
that
I
couldn't
live
on
the
inside
of
the
door.
So
I
stayed
and
listened
to
this
nonsense
is
what
it
sounded
like
to
me,
as
you
obviously
didn't
have
the
same
problem
I
do.
And
I
stayed
long
enough
to
start
to
hear
few
things,
probably
the
biggest
thing
that
happened
to
me.
And
it
without
that
thing
happening,
nothing
else
could
have
happened.
Nothing
else
could
happen.
But
we
ran
around.
I
got
involved
with
a
guy,
one
of
the
guys
that
was
the
beginning
of
this
group
over
here
with
you
guys
was
one
of
those
first
six
people.
He
set
up
a
little
compound
up
in
Del
Paso
Heights.
This
was
a
High
Roller
guy,
big
real
estate
guy,
big
shot
from
Santa
Clara
and
he
decided
to
become
the
Pope
of
Greenwich
Village
in
Sacramento.
I
mean,
he
basically
took
vows
of
poverty.
He
set
up
a
shop
and
all
he
did
was
treat
St.
People
and
did
a
little
work
out
at
the
hospitals,
actually
worked
with
my
old
man
in
the
hospital
point
of
time.
And
my
wife
at
the
time
had
been
trying
to
knock
some
sense
into
me
and
she'd
gotten
down
into
one
of
these
groups
down
at
his
place
and
she
kept
trying
to
get
me
to
go
down
and
see
him.
And
we
got
going.
I
got
involved
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous
finally
and
he
and
I
would
go
out
because
he
said
you're
fortunate
you've
got
some
stuff
in
your
life.
So
he
says,
let's
start
using
it.
So
we'd
go
out
and
take
all
the
people
from
the
streets
out
to
dinner
at
2:00
in
the
morning,
you
know,
and
things
like
that
at
the
coffee
shops
out
of
brawlies
and
everything
like
that.
But
we
do
this
night
after
night
after
night.
And
it
was
just
insane.
We
were
just
going
with
everything
we
had
to
do
this.
And
the
thing
that
was
getting
me
was
that
we
were
going
to
meetings
during
the
day.
We
were
all
talking
and
crazy
and
upside
down
and
didn't
have
a
clue.
You
know
that,
don't
you?
And
one
night
I
came
home
and
it
was
probably
2:30
in
the
morning
and
I
was
just
exhausted.
You
ever
do
that?
We
just
drop
off
and
it's
like
even
today
it
still
takes
me
two
minutes
to
fall
asleep,
I
think.
But
that
particular
night
I
was
dropping
off
and
I
had
one
of
those
moments
where
I
was
just
falling
down
on
the
pillow
and
I
shot
straight
up
in
bed
and
I
was
leaning
on
my
back
on
the
wall.
And
I
thought
to
myself,
what
in
the
hell
happened?
And
I
realized
that
once
since
about
6:00
in
the
morning
when
I
got
up
that
day
till
2:30
that
night
when
I
was
going
to
sleep,
not
once
that
whole
day.
And
I
either
thought
about
drinking
or
not
drinking.
And
I
realized
because
I
was,
we
were
going
through
day
after
day
after
day
of
not
thinking
about
drinking
anymore.
It
had
beat
the
hell
out
of
me.
But
I
was
thinking
about
not
drinking.
And
that'll
drive
you
crazy.
If
you're
new,
you
know,
don't
drink
this,
don't
drink
that.
You're
just,
everything's
about
not
drinking.
You're
looking
at
signs
and
you're
putting
the
X
over
them.
And
I
had
never,
everything
in
my
life
was
about
planning
the
next
drunk.
And
that
one
day,
that
one
little
period
of
time,
maybe
1819
hours,
I'm
not
sure.
But
what
I'm
getting
at
is
I
realized
that
I
had
blanked
out.
It
was
like
a
mini
Alzheimer's.
I
literally
hadn't
forgot
to
think
about
the
most
significant
thing
of
my
life
for
just
that
period
of
time.
And
I
don't
know
about
you,
but
that
blew
me
away.
I
thought,
what
in
the
heck
was
that?
And
all
of
a
sudden
I
look
back
and
I
thought
a
a
must
know
what
they're
doing.
It's
something
to
do
with
what
those
people
were
talking
about.
And
so
I
came
back
and
I
listened
a
little
bit
more
and
next
thing,
one
thing
led
to
another.
And,
you
know,
a
month
went
by
and
six
months
went
by
and
finally
I
get
a
year
birthday.
And
I
was,
you
know,
I
was
amazed.
You
know,
here
I
have
physically
sober,
I'm
not
thinking
about,
but
without
that
ability
to
break
that
bond,
I
used
to
get
a
sweat
in
the
palm
of
my
hands.
And
when
I
got
that,
it
was
a
matter
of
moments
really,
or
hours
at
the
best,
until
I
was
drunk
again.
And
here
the
very
most
significant
thing
in
my
life
had
been
broken,
like
the
fever
had
broke,
and
I
was
at
peace
about
it.
And
I
couldn't
figure
out
what
that
was.
And
so
I
began
to
get
busy.
I
was
always
doing
that.
We
were
stacking
chairs,
washing
coffee
cups,
doing
things
that
they
told
me
to
do.
And
we
did
that.
I
didn't
question
that,
but
after
the
one
year
birthday
chip,
I
came
to
the
conclusion
that
it
was
time
to
make
up
for
all
the
bridges
I
burned.
And
so
I
basically
stayed
in
the
meetings.
I
stayed
secretary,
a
lot
of
meetings.
I've
always
been
active
since
I
got
here.
You
people
seem
to
know
what
you
were
doing.
I
wasn't
doing
too
good
in
my
life,
so
I
better
pay
attention
and
I
did
it.
But
what
I'm
here
to
tell
you
is
after
that
one
year
for
the
next
3
1/2
years,
I
busted
my
tail.
I
arrived
at
the
conclusion,
maybe
you're
not
like
me,
but
I'd
look
around
the
room
and
I'd
say
I
know
what's
going
on
with
them.
They
they
sleep
in
on
Saturday
and
stuff
like
that.
I'm
going
to
get
up
early.
So
I
got
up
early.
I
work
6
1/2
days
a
week
and
I'm
going
to
rebuild
what
what
fell
down
in
my
empire.
And
I
worked
and
I
worked
and
I
worked
and
I
then
I
work
some
more.
And
when
I'm
here
to
tell
you
is
at
the
end
of
3
1/2
years,
my
life
was
more
upside
down
than
it
was
the
last
six
months
of
my
drinking.
And
I
didn't
know
what
the
heck
was
wrong.
I
had
a
friend
that
was
very
high
position
in
the
state
of
California
overseeing
medical
licenses,
all
these
things.
I
was
my
game
plan
at
that
point
in
time
was
to
cut
in
line
at
the
electroshock
therapy
center.
You
know,
I
really
didn't
know
what
was
going
on
anymore.
I
thought
I
was
losing
it.
And
I
went
to
what
was
probably
going
to
be
my
last
meeting
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
I
did
the
unthinkable.
I
literally
for
the
first
time,
to
the
best
of
my
ability,
I
just
told
the
truth.
I
told
him
about
what
was
going
on
in
my
life.
I
was
being
divorced
a
second
time.
I,
my
business
was
going
through
the
tubes
again,
you
know,
I,
I,
I
couldn't
go
to
my
office.
I
was
afraid
of
the
people
that
worked
for
me,
you
know,
Everything
was
upside
down
and
crazy
and
confused
and
I
felt
like
I
was
popping
out
of
my
skin
and,
and
I
wanted
to
thank
him
for
showing
me
how
to
go
a
day
without
a
drink
all
that
time.
But
I
got
other
problems.
And
I'm
telling
this
stuff
from
the
depth
of
my
heart
about
how
upside
down
my
life
is.
And
two
guys,
two
hobos
that
were
in
that
meeting
started
laughing
out
loud.
I
thought
that
was
rude,
you
know?
Yeah,
and,
you
know,
right
when
I'm
finally
stolen
my
guts
about
everything
that's
going
on,
they're
giggling
about
it.
They
think
it's
funny.
And
at
the
coffee
break,
they
wouldn't
leave
me
alone.
They
were
outside
on
me
on
the
park,
you
know,
and,
and
they,
they
hung
in
there
with
me.
And
one
guy
stayed
out
in
the
bumper
of
his
car
till
11:00
that
night,
you
know,
And
I
heard
what
may
have
been
said
a
lot
before,
but
it
was
the
first
time
I'd
ever
heard
the
message,
I
think,
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I
had
never
heard
it
before.
You
know,
I
thought
what
we
were,
what
we
were
hearing
at
that
time
was
you
just
hang
with
the
groups,
you
run
to
the
meetings
and
you're
going
to
suffer
a
lot.
And
over
a
period
of
time,
you
just
get
better.
And
if
you
can
go
through
the
hazing,
it's
kind
of
like
going
through
one
of
those
lines
where
they
hit
you
with
the
sticks.
You
come
out
on
the
other
end,
you're
going
to
be
OK.
You're
going
to
be
a
winner,
you
know.
And
they
said
no
way,
he
said
no
way.
He
said.
You
don't
know
anything
about
that.
He
said,
come
over
to
my
house
tomorrow,
we'll
talk.
You
know,
I
went
down,
I
said
to
his
house,
I
got
in
the
door,
didn't
help
me
much.
He
said
I,
I
know
who
you
are.
He
says.
He
says
if
you
think
by
getting
me
as
a
sponsor
you're
going
to
be
OK,
Says
forget
it.
You
know,
he
says
that's
not
going
to
help
you.
He
says
you
either
know
you're
in
trouble.
You
know,
you've
never
even
met
me.
You
know,
this
guy
never
met
me.
He's
a
bad
dresser.
I
make
more
money
than
him
and
all
this
stuff.
And
he
looks
at
me
and
he
says
you're
a
short
change
artist,
you
know,
and
he
starts,
you
know,
taking
my
inventory
and
stuff
like
that.
But
he
said
something
that
if
you're
going
to
do
it,
David,
he
says
you're
going
to
have
to
give
it
your
all.
And,
and
I
looked
at
him
and
I
thought,
give
it
my
all.
You
know,
look
what
I've,
you
know,
and
all
this
stuff.
And
he
says,
he
says,
I
know
what
you're
thinking.
He
says
it's
not
about
competing
with
me
or
anybody
else.
He
says,
he
says,
when
I
give
it
100%,
I
get
what
I
need.
And
when
you
give
it
100%
of
what
you
can
do,
you'll
get
what
you
need,
but
you're
not
in
competition
with
me.
And
he
says
you're
going
to
have
to
start
doing
that
now,
whether
you
like
it
or
not,
or
you
can
get
a
little
bit
more
of
what
you
want.
But
if
you
want,
it
says
I'll
show
you
what
to
do.
And
he
says
I
was
going
through
this
long
winded
debate
about
whether
this
really
worked
or
whether
a
worked
or
whatnot.
I
know
there's
nobody's
ever
thought
that
before,
but
I
did,
you
know,
white
lighted
spiritual
experiences
and
all
that
stuff.
That's
for
the
spiritual
people,
right?
And
he
said
to
me
the
most
incredible
thing
I've
ever
heard.
He
says,
why
don't
you
give
this
six
weeks
of
everything
you've
got
and
to
everything
else
out?
And
he
says
at
least
when
you
go
off
and
do
whatever
you're
going
to
do,
Mr.
Smart
Pants,
he
said,
he
says
you
can
tell
somebody
that
you
gave
it
your
own
and
it
really
doesn't
work.
But
he
says
until
you
do
that,
you
can't
do
that.
And
I,
I,
I'm
a
betting
man.
I
thought
that
little
punk
isn't
going
to
shame
me
like
that.
So
I
took
it
back,
you
know,
and
I
got
busy
doing
things
that
were
absolutely
ridiculous.
I
mean,
they
had
nothing
to
do
with
staying
sober.
It
didn't.
I
mean,
it
was
being
kind
to
people
that
were,
you
know,
crooked.
It
was
all
the
wrong
things
at
the
time.
I'd
swear
he
was
on
the
take
from
my
wife
at
the
time.
He
was
defending
her
all
the
time
and
but
he
asked
me
to
do
things.
I
mean,
we
used
to
say
something
in
the
old
group
that
I
sobered
up
in
down
there
in
Norse
sack.
And
they,
they
say
that
I'm,
I'm
not
putting
anything
down.
It's
just
we
each
hear
what
we
hear.
So
I'm
not
here
to
be
an
expert
on
a,
I'm
just
telling
you
about
my
experience
since
I've
been
here.
But
they
would
say
things
in
this
meeting
like
a
is
a
place
for
people
who
want
it,
not
for
people
who
need
it.
And
I
got
to
tell
you,
it's
very
important
for
you,
maybe
somebody
out
there
to
hear
this.
I
tell
you,
if
that
were
true,
I'd
be
dead
today.
You
know,
I
never
wanted
what
a
a
had,
but
I
got
to
a
point
where
I
knew
I
needed
it
and
I
started
doing
things
I
didn't
want
to
do
with
people
I
didn't
want
to
do
them
with
in
places
I
didn't
want
to
do
it.
And
you
know
what?
The
program
didn't
give
a
damn
about
that.
It
worked
just
fine
when
I
started
doing
that.
I
I
took
me
several
years
to
go
back
and
read
Bill's
writing,
write
in
the
book,
write
in
the
book
from
the
guy
that
founded
this
thing.
He
says
who
cares
to
do
these
things.
No,
the
average
alcoholic
self-centered
extreme
doesn't
care
for
this
at
all
unless
he
has
to
in
order.
So
I
thought,
my
God,
you
guys
all
cared
and
I
didn't.
And
what
he
said
is
you
just
need
to
develop
the
capacity
to
to
realize
the
necessity.
And
that's
what
I
began
to
get.
I
began
to
see
that
I
wasn't
going
to
get
my
way.
And
I
began
to
do
things
in
a
manner
that
I
had
never
done
before
in
places
with
people.
I
remember
God,
we
had
a,
I
got
this
man
was
always
challenging
my
thoughts.
He
was
saying
things
I
hadn't
heard
in
the
meetings
before.
He
told
me,
you
don't
know
nothing
about
prayer.
And
I
said,
what
do
you
mean
I
don't
know
about
prayer?
And
he
says,
he
says
there's
two
sides
to
it.
He
says,
why
do
you
expect
it
to
work
with
only
one
side?
And
I
said,
geez,
I
was
an
altar
boy,
all
that
stuff.
And
you're,
you're
a,
you
know,
barefoot
on
rooftops
in
New
York,
for
God
sakes.
The
guy
was
a,
a
drug
dealing,
you
know,
and,
but
he
was
doing
better
than
me.
It
really
ticked
me
off.
And
so.
So
he
said,
there's
two
sides
to
prayer.
And
I
said,
OK,
tell
me
all
about
it.
And
he
says,
you
get
down
in
your
knees
in
the
morning,
don't
you?
I
say,
yeah,
I
do.
And
he
says,
what
do
you
do
when
you
get
up
off
your
knees?
And
he
said,
well,
I
go
into
my
day
and
he
says
there's
your
problem.
And
I
said,
what
do
you
mean
that's
my
problem?
He
says
there's
two
sides
to
prayer.
He
says
don't
ever
expect
your
prayer
to
work
if
you
just
get
on
your
knees
and
pray
to
God.
He
says
you've
got
to
do
the
most
important
side,
which
is
when
you
get
up
off
your
knees
and
step
into
your
day,
you've
got
to
stay
awake.
You've
got
to
look
for
the
answer
to
that
prayer.
And
if
you
get
back
into
your
day
and
just
get
into
what
you
think
needs
to
be
done,
you'll
never
see
it.
I've
heard
things
in
a,
a,
this
is
one
thing.
I,
I
believe
in
the
death
of
my
heart
and
anybody.
I
mean,
if
you
want
to
talk
about
it
later,
I'll
talk
to
you
about
it.
But
I've
heard
people
say
that
you
can't
see,
feel
and
touch
God.
And
I
want
to
tell
you
something.
If
you're
in
as
much
trouble
as
I
am
and
you've
got
as
upside
down
as
you
are
in
your
life,
and
they're
asking
you
to
turn
your
will
and
life
over
to
something
you
can't
see,
feel
and
touch,
I
will
join
you
and
wherever
you
want
to
go
and
we'll
trash
this
whole
place.
But
what
I'm
saying
is
they
began
to
show
me
that
there
was
something
here
if
I
would
do
it,
that
I
could
have
evidence,
hard
evidence.
And
he
began
to
tell
me,
why
don't
you
pray
to
this
God
that
you
don't
know
exist
and
ask
Him
to
produce
something
in
your
day
enough
that
you
can't
explain
it
away.
And
he
said
you
do
that
consistently
says
now
what
I
want
you
to
do.
He
says
when
it
presents
itself,
I
don't
want
you
to
question
it.
He
says,
I
just
want
you
to
step
into
whatever
it
is.
So
I
said,
you
sure?
And
he
goes,
Yep,
do
it.
Well,
I'm
only
in
the
5th
step.
I
go
to
a
meeting,
I
tell
the
truth.
I
tell
everybody
how
my
life
is
going
to
crap
and
it's
upside
down
and
crazy.
Three
guys
come
up
in
the
middle
of
that
meeting
and
ask
me
if
I'll
help
them.
And
I
said,
I
can't
help
you.
I'm
crazy.
But
they
asked
for
my
number.
So
I
go
back
to
this
guy
and
I
say,
OK,
big
shot.
You
told
me
to
pray
the
prayer.
You
told
me
to
do
all
this
stuff.
These
two
guys
come
up
and
ask
me.
And
I
said,
he
said,
where's
this
thing
where
you
can't
give
away
what
you
don't
have?
And
he
says,
you're
right.
And
I
said,
but
you
told
me
to
pray
the
prayer
and
to
step
into
anything
that
was
presented
to
me.
And
he
goes,
you're
right.
And
I
said,
So
what
do
I
do?
And
he
looks
at
me.
He
kind
of
looks
at
me
that
way.
And
I
know
I've
got
a
dilemma
going
here.
I'm
either
going
to
follow
that
prayer
through
or
I'm
going
to
go
back
to
what
I've
always
had,
which
wasn't
working
too
good.
So
I
got
out
on
that
busy
street
corner
of
Allegra
and
whatever.
I'm
a
proud
guy,
you
know,
And
we
got
two
guys
that
I'm
going
to
go
into
their
apartment
on
and
there's
a
busy
intersection.
There's
cars
everywhere,
and
I
decided
the
only
way
to
helpfully
handle
that
is
I
got
down
on
my
knees
in
my
suit
outside
this
guy's
apartment
with
all
those
cars
going
by,
and
I
prayed
that
please
don't
let
me
kill
anybody
when
I
go
inside,
you
know,
help
these
guys.
I
began
with
a
vengeance
to
try
to
do
anything
and
everything
I
could
do
to
begin
to
just
trust
that
there
was
something
that
cared
about
me
enough
and
we
start
to
take
care
of
me.
And
I
got
busy.
And
the
reason
I'm
in
here
to
tell
you
that
is
I
got
so
involved
in
that
activity.
Eventually
we
got
through
steps
and
things
like
that,
but
a
lot
of
the
steps
got
filled
in
by
the
real
sponsor.
And
I'm
not
talking
about
the
other
one.
You
see,
there
was
things
being
said
in
those
meetings
that
I
had
never
heard
in
the
meeting
of
AA,
you
know,
And
I
was
curious
to
see
who
was
saying
them.
And
things
were
happening.
And
all
of
a
sudden,
I
was
more
fascinated
by
that
than
by
anything
else,
which
is
exactly
what
it
tells
me
to
do.
And
all
of
a
sudden,
I
realized
that
I
was
back
in
that
room
when
I
was
nine
years
old,
you
know,
and
I
had
back
the
thing
that
I
left
in
the
bottle
of
the
pill.
Is
he?
And
I
began
to
realize
why
you
had
laughed
in
that
first
meeting
that
I
came
to.
Some
of
you
were
laughing
for
other
reasons,
but
certain
ones
were
laughing
because
they
had
found
the
answer.
And
that
these
hobos
per
se,
these
people
without
a
lot
of
education,
had
found
a
way
to
essentially
produce
the
effect
that
I
used
to
get
from
the
bottle
of
the
pill.
And
that's
the
only
reason
I'm
still
here
today
is
I've
got
to
be
under
the
influence
of
it
tonight,
the
same
way
I
was
under
the
influence
in
the
late
days
of
my
drinking.
If
I
sober
up,
I'm
in
deep
trouble.
I
don't
know
about
you,
but
I
I
cannot.
I've
got
to
either
be
under
the
influence
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
the
12
steps
or
I've
got
to
be
under
the
influence
of
booze.
But
if
I
try
to
just
go
cold
Turkey
and
live
life
on
lifes
terms
on
my
own
two
feet,
I'm
a
mess.
And
I've
been
here
a
lot
of
years
and
I
am
actually
probably
more
a
mess
today
than
I
was
a
day
I
got
here.
But
I'm
not
trading
places
with
any
of
you.
My
life
is
wonderful.
It
is
a
wonderful
life.
It's
provided
for
me,
not
because
I
stood
up
and
flew
right,
but
because
something
greater
than
me
provides
that
life
to
me.
And
that
to
me
is
the
message
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
It's
not
a
time
thing.
If
you're
new
and
you
begin
to
do
that,
you
got
the
same
thing
I
got
tonight
right
here
at
the
podium.
It's
nice
to
have
a
little
consistency
to
show
that
it
can
work
over
a
long
period
of
time.
But
other
than
that,
this
is
not
about
the
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
as
far
as
I
know
it.
There's
only
one
thing
that
can
keep
any
of
us
sober
here
tonight
and
it's
not
of
us,
you
know,
and
that's
the
big
deal
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
The
reality
is
there
is
something
that
created
each
and
everyone
of
us.
Whatever
you
call
it
is
your
business.
But
it's
about
the
business
of
reckoning
with
that
and
going
back
to
the
business
of
turning
over
something
called
self-sufficiency
and
going
back
to
the
old
business
of
being
taken
care
of.
And
it's
good.
It
doesn't
mean
that
we're
relinquished.
I
got
to
stay
real
busy.
But
I
was
a
self-sufficiency
expert,
you
know,
in
my
own
life,
maybe
still
can
be.
That's
why
I
still
take
10
steps
all
the
time
every
time
I
get
in
trouble.
It's
when
I've
gone
back
to
taking
care
of
my
life,
it's
always
for
a
good
reason.
It's
because
I've
learned
something
about
myself.
But
you
know,
if
learning
about
myself
would
treat
my
disease,
I'd
have
left
here
a
long
time
ago.
You
know,
I'm
dependent
upon
something
that
isn't
human.
It's
the
main,
the
main
ingredient.
There
isn't
any
other
ingredient
that
provides
that.
If
you're
new
or
if
you've
been
around
for
a
while
and
you're,
you're
stumped
because
life
has
a
way
of
doing
that.
I've
never
been
here
for
any
length
of
period
of
time
where
there's
not
some
new
cataclysmic
event
that
it
asked
me
to
stretch
my
imagination
beyond
anything
I've
ever
known.
You
know,
how
many
times
is
it
learned?
I
mean,
for
any
of
us,
but
I'm
trying
to
think
three
years
ago,
I
had
AI
had
a
divorce
or
the
back
end
of
a
divorce
going
on.
My
best
friend
from
27
years
died.
The
mother
of
my
youngest
daughter
was
diagnosed
with
cancer
and
my
daughter
was
having
a
heart
attack
over
the
fact
that
her
mother
wasn't
going
to
be
around.
Oh
yeah.
And
I
lost
my
job
and
I
think
there
was
a
few
other
things
going
on.
But
what
I'm
getting
at
is
it
was
a
wonderful
event.
In
hindsight,
it
wasn't
so
good
going
into,
but
it
drove
me
one
more
time
to
a
point
where
I
was
broken.
I
had
no
new
answers.
I
had
no
way
to
get
past
that.
You
know,
everything
that's
ever
happened
to
me
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
it's
real
and
it's
good,
is
when
I'm
totally
stumped.
If
I've
got
a
clue
of
how
to
solve
my
problem,
what
in
the
heck
am
I
doing
here?
Go
out
and
do
it.
You
know,
this
is
based
on
the
fact
that
I've
got
a
problem
that
I
can't
solve
and
it
stays
that
way.
You
know,
one
of
the
guys
that
passed
away
a
long,
long
time
ago
used
to
mirror
that
over
and
over
and
over
again,
he
said.
I'm
caught
in
a
trap
I
can't
spring.
And
that
is
so
it's
so
it's
like,
so
when
can
we
start
the
the
steps
so
I
can
spring
the
trap?
That's
not
the
answer.
You
know,
my
freedom
today,
my
peace
tonight
up
here
is
based
on
the
fact
that
basically
I
know
I'm
a
failure
and
that
it
doesn't
interfere
with
the
success
that's
going
on
in
my
life
right
now.
It's
actually
the
main
basis
for
it
happening
that
way.
I'll
give
you
an
example.
If
you're
new
or
relatively
new,
or
if
you've
been
around
for
a
long
time,
try
helping
yourself
not
take
a
drink.
You
know,
that'll
get
you
drunk
real
fast.
Yeah,
sometimes
it's
hard
in
a
A
to,
to
get
somebody
to
actually
accept
the
fact
that
the
basis
of
this
whole
organization,
way
it
got
founded
was
based
on
the
idea
that
I've
lost
the
power
of
choice.
I
swear
to
God,
sometimes
I
get
into
places
where
I
think
choice
is
the
answer.
What
I'm
hearing
is
I
got
the
choice
for
this
now.
I
got
the
I
don't
have
a
choice.
And
that's
why
I'm
peaceful
tonight.
If
I
could
choose
not
to
drink,
then
I
got
to
learn
how
to
choose
not
to
drink
tomorrow,
and
that
gets
me
restless
tonight.
I'm
going
to
stay
up
late
trying
to
make
sure
I
don't
choose
wrongly
tomorrow.
And
I
don't
think
it's
a
little
issue.
I
mean,
you
know,
I'm
not
saying
that
there's
not
other
ideas,
but
it's
the
mainstay
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
It
was
started
because
nothing
on
the
face
of
the
planet
knew
what
to
do
with
people
like
us.
And
it
was
very,
very
successful
by
the
basis
that
we
have
a
non
human
problem.
We
probably
have
a
hypersensitivity
to
being
close
to
something
greater
than
us,
and
the
closest
thing
we
ever
found
was
liquor.
You
know,
sometimes
other
things.
We
tend
to
get
hooked
up
to
members
of
the
opposite
sex
and
money
and
fame
and
all
that
stuff.
But
the
base
thing
is
we
have
a
predisposition
to
a
sensitivity
of
conscious
partners
from
God,
and
the
treatment
is
to
do
the
things
to
bring
back
the
unity
of
that,
to
bring
us
closer
to
the
thing
that
created
us,
whether
we
think
it
or
not.
The
one
thing
I
would
say
is
the
symptoms
always
the
same,
never
made
any
difference.
I
would
have
sworn
that
was
not
my
problem.
When
I
got
started
in
steps,
I
remember
telling
them,
how
do
you
make
me
trust
God?
You've
got
to
make
me
trust
God.
Thank
God
these
Alcoholics
knew
what
was
really
wrong
with
me.
I
really
thought
my
problem
was
I
didn't
know
how
to
trust
God.
Any
of
you
ever
think
that
way?
What
they
told
me
and
actually
Ron
says
he
never
said
it.
But
when
I
realized
now
is
they
said,
David,
your
problem
isn't
that
you
don't
trust
God.
Your
real
problem
is
you
have
no
way
to
stop
trusting
you,
is
it?
I
come
in
here
saying
I'm
beaten,
and
then
somebody
says,
well,
why
don't
you
do
that?
You
said
well
that'll
never
work.
I
flat
ass
failed
in
my
life.
Somebody
says
do
these
things
right
here
and
you'll
be
OK,
and
I'll
say,
well,
that's
good
for
you,
but
that
won't
work
for
me.
You
know,
I
have
an
overextended
capacity
to
have
faith
in
myself
when
I
doesn't
deserve
it.
You
know,
that's
what's
amazing.
What
are
they
saying?
Alcoholics
own
person
can
lay
in
the
gutter
and
look
down
at
the
world.
You
know
you
ever
do
that?
Probably
someone
you're
doing
it
right
Now
listen
to
this
Jackass
up
at
the
podium.
It
really
isn't
me,
it's
you.
I'm
a
Jackass,
but
that's
still
your
head.
And
if
you
do,
welcome
because
you're
in
good
company.
You
know,
it's
most
of
us
do.
Most
of
us
are
getting
ready
for
the
night.
We
get
up
here
and
we'll
do
it
different,
you
see.
But
the
point
then,
this
is
a
disease.
This
is
not
just
a
bad
habit,
you
know.
They
began
to
explain
to
me
that
alcoholism
is
a
disease
that
centers
in
the
mind
and
I
treat
it
by
drinking
alcohol,
but
the
disease
centers
in
my
mind.
What
do
I
mean
by
that?
It's
a
mind
that
tells
me
that
I
know
me
better
than
you
know
me.
And
because
of
that,
I
can't
listen
to
you.
First
off,
I
think
I
got
good
eyesight.
So
I
think
I
see
what
you're
doing
and
I
don't
and
I
I
think
I
hear
what
you're
saying
and
I
don't.
You
ever
done
that?
We
talked
about
that
one
all
the
time.
He's
going
in
there.
Maybe
I
see
Robert
and
he
says,
hey,
I
haven't
seen
you
for
a
while.
And
what
I
hear
is
Robert
says
I'm
not
going
on
enough
meetings.
So.
So
I
come
over
to
Tom
and
I
say
Tom
Roberts
an
asshole
and
we
need
to
avoid
him.
You
know,
no
offense,
Robert,
but
it's
all
all
in
the
good
sport
of
a
disease.
What
I'm
getting
at
is
I
don't.
I
don't
hear
so
well.
I
don't
hear
so
well.
I
project
things
that
aren't
being
said.
I
hear
things
that
aren't
being,
you
know,
going
on
out
there.
I
had
a
friend
of
the
day.
We're
trying
to
convince
him
to
go
home
and
rent
the
movie
The
Beautiful
Mind.
It's
one
of
the
best
movies
I've
ever
seen
to
see
what
it
looks
like
to
be
an
alcoholic.
We're
actually
living
in
a
life
with
things
that
aren't
really
happening.
And
it's
hard
pressed
to
get
people
to
listen
to
that
in
a
A,
you
know,
it
is
our
book
says
that
and
I'm
just
going
to
quote
it
a
little
bit.
I
can't
help
it.
It's
in
the
12:00
and
12:00,
but
it
says,
it
says
that
most
of
us
are
willing
to
accept
the
fact
that
we're
problem
drinkers.
Most
people
would
say
that,
right?
They
didn't
do
too
good
with
that.
But
it
says
few
indeed
are
willing
to
endure
the
suggestion
that
we're
in
fact
quite
mentally
ill.
There's
a
real
deal
breaker,
right?
That'll
make
you
real
popular
at
a
A
and
the
difficulty
is
we
laugh
in
many
ways
and
things
like
that,
but
most
of
the
people
get
pushed
out
not
never
knowing
what
hit
them.
It's
like
a
great
white.
You
know,
if
you
could
tickle
its
nose
before
it
bit
you,
that
would
be
fair
play.
But
it
hit
so
hard
and
so
fast
from
the
side.
You
never
see
it
coming.
You
never
see
it
coming,
you
know,
And
this
is
not
letting
up.
You
know,
we've
been
around
for
75
years.
And
I'm
going
to
tell
you
it's
a
wonderful
solution.
It's
a
wonderful
program.
But
we've
got
more
to
do
with
the
people
that
are
coming
through
the
doors
of
AA.
You
know,
we
don't
have
to
perhaps
lose
as
many
as
we
do,
you
know,
but
we've
got
to
get
out
of
the
idea
that
we
did
to
do
value
added
with
the
program.
The
program
that
came
out
of
the
book
originally
was
perfectly
fine.
It
works
wonderfully
with
alcoholism.
We
don't
need
to
bring
new
ideas
on
top
of
it.
These
hobos,
these
people
that
help
me,
very
good
education,
was
trained
by
people,
even
people
from
the
White
House
staff,
things
like
that.
People
took
a
long
time
to
give
me
credentials
on
the
wall.
And
one
guy
that
was
barefoot
on
the
rooftops,
another
guy
that
went
to
Scott
was
from
Scotland,
never
even
finished
high
school.
These
guys
told
me
things
that
nobody
had
ever
told
me
on
the
face
of
this
planet,
and
they're
still
the
most
important
thing
I've
ever
heard
in
my
life.
They
knew
what
was
wrong
with
me.
Yeah,
I
had
the
good
fortune.
Years
later,
one
of
the
guys,
real
big
guy
in
the
in
state
of
California,
you
know,
had
this
position
and
I'd
come
to
him
and
ask
him
to
help
me,
you
know,
get
down
there
for
a
little
therapy.
And
and
he
came
to
me
one
night.
He
said,
will
you
help
me?
And
I
said,
what
do
you
mean,
would
I
help
you?
And
he
says,
why
would
you
want
me
to
help
you?
And
he
said,
'cause
you're
one
of
the
sickest
guys
I've
ever
met
in
my
life
and
you're
not
sick.
You
know,
you're
doing
better.
And
he
said,
And
I
said,
well,
So
what?
So
what
do
you
want
to
help?
He
says,
Well
I've
been
taking
medicine
from
my
patients
and
I
can't
stop
using
it.
Would
you
meet
me
at
the
dumpster
and
we'll
throw
it
out?
So
these
are
the
people
that
are
educated
beyond
their
capacity
to
follow
the
instructions.
You
see
what
I'm
saying?
This
is
not
a
deficiency
of
education.
Sometimes
I
think
we
think
that
the
treatment
of
alcoholism
is
to
get
better
educated.
There's
nothing
wrong
with
finding
a
little
bit
about
it,
but
it
won't
treat
it.
Yeah,
Carl
Young
said
that
to
Roman.
You
know,
he
was
working
with
a
criminally
insane,
as
far
as
I
know,
and
he
was
working
with
quite
a
few
people
in
his
clinic.
Most
of
them
were
what
you
call
double
modalities.
Some
of
them
were
schizophrenic.
And
like
that.
Carl
says
to
Roman
after
he
falls
out,
he
says,
Roman,
I
got
to
get
you
out
of
here
and
get
your
bed
back.
I
got
I
can
treat
these
people.
I
can't
treat
you.
You're
too
sick,
is
it?
Yeah.
So
what
I'm
saying
is
I
met
these
guys
and
they
said
cheer
up.
It's
much
worse
than
you
think.
And
what
I
found
was
that
was
the
missing
link.
You
know,
we
were
talking
about
dinner
tonight,
Mark
and
I
were
talking
about.
But
the
biggest
problem
I
see
people
all
the
time
with
like
the
same
have
trouble
with
prayer,
meditation
or
something
like
that
and
never
had
a
problem.
I
mean,
I
haven't
really.
I'm
going
to
tell
you,
you
can
pray
and
meditate
you
all
you
want.
If
there's
not
the
foundation
in
the
1st
2
steps
for
what's
wrong
with
me,
there
will
never.
It
says
right
there
driven
to
AA
by
the,
you
know,
by
the
depths
of
my
problem.
And
there
I'm
confronted
with
the
truth
about
alcoholism.
And
it
says
then
and
only
then
will
I
become
open
minded
to
conviction.
You
think
I'm
going
to
give
up
and,
and,
and
start
doing
things
in
my
life
that
are
really
needed
to
be
done
If
I
think
I
can
weasel
out
of
it
or
do
something
different,
It's
very
important
that
I'm
faced
with
a
fatal
problem.
And
I'm
not
talking
about
drinking
now.
I'm
talking
about
sober
drunk
that
I'm
still
going
down.
That
sponsor
that
got
a
hold
of
me
after
four
years,
4
1/2
years,
said,
what
makes
you
think
you're
OK
now?
You
know,
And
he
said
there's
basically
three
curtains
that
you
can
pick
in
this
game
show
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Curtain
number
one
is
you
drink
and
you
die
drunk,
you
know,
and
I've
done
that.
I
buried
my
dad
and
people
that
were
very
close
to
me
that
I
would
would
have
done
anything
for,
but
they
were
dead
nonetheless,
you
know,
and
he
said,
curtain
#2
is
you
go
crazy
from
not
drinking
and
you
either
end
up
committing
a
crime
or
end
up
in
paper
slippers
in
some
mental
facility.
That's
number
two.
That
sounds
equally
kind
of
skeptical,
right?
And
he
says
#3
you're
going
to
actually
have
a
significant
experience
of
the
spiritual
kind.
And,
and
he
said
there
ain't
no
curtain
for
there
ain't
no
curtain
for
it.
Now,
I
think
it's
wonderful.
A
is
a
great
place
to
come
and
hang
out
and
be
safe
and
be
in
your
meetings
long
enough
to
hit
a
real
bottom
so
we
can
find
a
real
God.
But
that
is
the
message
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
This
is
not
an
agnostic
organization
as
far
as
I
know.
And
if
that
bothers
you,
they
always
told
me
with
it,
fine.
The
other
thing
will
drive
you
right
back
in
the
door.
We're
going
to
eventually
going
to
look
for
something.
Frankly,
if
they
told
me
shaking
Dead
Cat
on
the
roof
at
midnight
would
do
for
me
what
this
does,
I
would
be
a
disciple
of
Dead
Cat
shaking.
So
get
over
it,
you
know,
I
want
the
goods.
I
was
stuck
on
the
on
the
West
Coast
of
Spain.
One
time
we
were
on
a
hiatus
and
we
got
stuck
in
this
little
town.
No
fresh
water.
Oh,
it's
terrible.
And
and
the
worst
thing
was
we
were
stuck
at
this
camping
spot.
We've
been
on
one
of
these
little
things
where
we
met
a
couple
of
cuties
and
we
were,
you
know,
going
to
set
the
world
on
fire.
And
we
got
to
this
little
Mexican
resort
and
the
only
thing
they
had
was
this
stuff
called
Anna
Said.
I
don't
know
if
you
know
what
that
is,
but
it
is
the
most
God
awful
thing
I've
ever
seen.
It's
sweet
as
hell.
It
tastes
like
pure
licorice.
The
only
redeeming
factor
in
is
it
it's
got
alcohol
in
it,
you
know,
And
I'm
here
to
tell
you
that
as
ugly
as
it
is,
if
you
hold
your
nose
long
enough
and
pour
it
down
your
throat,
eventually
you
can't
snow
it
anymore,
you
know?
And
what
I'm
getting
at
is
I
didn't
care
what
it
tastes
like.
I
didn't
care
that
it
was
sweet.
If
I
could
get
enough
of
it
in
me,
it
got
me
to
where
I
needed
to
be.
And
that's
essentially
what
we're
doing
here.
You
know,
I
didn't
start
off
the
first
day
I
drank
as
a
raging
alcoholic.
I
remember
I
tied
one
on.
I
went
out
with
some
friends
and
we
went
out
with
his
sisters.
They
were
older
and
the
parents
were
gone.
And
we,
we
tied
one
on
big
time.
I
was
about
12.
And
Oh
my
God,
I
remember
I
woke
up
the
next
morning.
I
thought,
I
just
thought
I'd
been
hit
by
a
truck
and
I
swore
off
for
a
whole
week.
I
did
not
drink
for
a
week,
you
know,
Took
me
a
day
to
tie
my
shoes.
And
what
I'm
saying
is
I
drank
the
next
week
and
then
I
didn't
drink
every
day
after
that.
Little
by
little
over
the
years,
I
got
to
the
point
where
I
could
drink
every
couple
of
days
and
then
a
little
bit
longer
I
could
drink
every
day.
And
then
I
got
to
a
point
where
I
wanted
to
walk
around
with
an
IV
card
on
rollers.
Was
it
plugged
into
me?
That
was
my
goal
at
the
end.
If
it
had
kept
working,
you'd
be
seeing
me
up
here
with
an
IV
cart
right
now.
So
what
I'm
getting
at
is
essentially
the
12
steps
are
a
set
of
principles,
spiritual
in
their
nature,
which
if
it
basically
it
practiced
as
a
way
of
life.
Now
that's
a
funny
word
at
first.
That
means
that
I
don't,
I
don't
sit
in
a
discussion
group
and
talk
about
them.
It
means
I've
got
to
take
the
things
that
they're
talking.
Bob
used
to
say
this.
My
sponsor
sponsor
would
always
say
the
book
says
two
things.
It
says
do
this,
don't
do
that,
do
this,
don't
do
that.
I
said,
where
does
it
say
that
Bob?
And
he'd
say
look
here
and
he'd
show
me
and
he'd
say
this
is
the
way
it
was
for
me.
He
said
you
ever
happened
to
you?
And
I
remember
one
guy
I
remember
I
had
a
terrible
time
with
his.
He
had
that
he
probably
could
have
had
a
Labor
Relations
suit.
You
know,
the
boss
of
all
bosses.
This
guy
was
mean
as
a
tell
of
the
Hun
and
he's
telling
me
about
all
the
stuff
he's
got
him
dead
into
rights
with
the
labor
unions
on
the
whole
thing.
And
I
said
I
want
you
to
water
his
plant
when
he's
out
of
the
office.
He
said
you
want
me
to
what?
I
said
I
want
you
to
water
his
plant
and
do
other
things
that
he
won't
aware
of,
but
start
to
do
something
for
that
man
that
you
hate
so
much.
And
he
said,
why
would
I
want
to
do
that?
I
said
because
you
might
get
sober
another
day
if
you
do
that.
And
little
by
little,
we
still
laugh
about
it
today.
That
guy's
a
great
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Got
a
little
other
trouble
going
on
his
life
right
now,
but
we
still
laugh
about
that.
That
guy
is
still
a
prick.
He's
one
of
the
worst
bosses.
I
would
never
suggest
you
to
work
for
him,
but
the
guy
that
worked
for
him
is
great.
He's
fine.
Today
he
watered
his
plant
and
he
got
to
the
point
where
he
was
to
be
kind
to
this
man
and
he
broke
his
own
fever.
You
see,
people
don't
make
me
what
I
am.
What
happens
is
I
think
you
doing
what
you
do
gives
me
the
right
to
treat
me,
treat
you
the
way
I
want
to.
And
that's
what
takes
me
out
every
time.
You
know,
I
would
have
sworn
when
I
got
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
the
reason
I
was
hurting
was
for
what
you
did
to
me.
I,
I
know
maybe
some
of
you
are
like
that.
I
really
thought
that
my
real
problem
was
that
I
wasn't
as
conniving
as
a
recipe
for
I
was
with.
I
was
too
kind.
And
when
you're
working
with
wolves
and
you're
kind
to
them,
they
tend
to
snarl
up
and
bite
you
and
things
like
that.
And
so
I
was
sure
that
really
what
I
was
is
I
was
selfless
and
that
was
my
problem.
And
then
if
I
learned
to
be
a
little
bit
more
selfish
with
people
and
take
care
of
my
own
rights
and
set
my
boundaries
and
all
this
stuff
that
doesn't,
I
can't
find
it
in
the
book,
you
know?
And
what
I
found
was
my
problems
arise
out
of
myself.
I
had
to
be
shown
by
another
man.
Though
this
man
talked
about
living.
I
never
forget.
I
go
to
pick
up
my
spine.
I
go
to
my
sponsors
house.
I
was
going
to
go.
He's
not
here
tonight
so
I
won't
catch
hell
from
him.
But
I
go
to
sponsors
house
to
to
do
a
fist
step,
let's
say.
And
I
drive
up
to
the
house.
The
reason
I
trusted
him
is
he
was
a
drunk
just
like
me.
I
drove
up
to
his
house
and
mind
you,
I
get
to
the
house
and
I'd
see
the
front
door
open
and
he'd
come
running
out
towards
the
car
and
say
what's
going
on?
He
says
get
out
of
here,
we're
getting
out
of
here
tonight.
He
says
I
can't
go
back
in.
We're
having
a
little
sparks
with
the
wife
tonight.
He
was
having
trouble
himself,
is
he?
And
he
began
to
talk
to
me
about
how
he
treated
his
home
life,
you
know,
and
what
was
going
on.
And
because
he
was
doing
better
than
me
and
I
saw
he
was
even
more
corrupt
than
me,
I
knew
there
had
to
be
a
God.
I
began
to
watch
what
he
was
doing.
This
guy
is
still
not
right.
We
sent
down
to
meetings
and
he
goes,
he
looks
over
me.
He
goes,
man,
you're
sure
effed
up.
And
I
said
I
know
so
are
you.
And
we
laugh
and
we
got
you
know
in
a
great,
you
know,
this
does
not
require
me
to
be
anything
other
than
what
I
am.
I'm
perfectly
good
being
just
as
messed
up
as
I
was
the
day
I
got
here
because
of
the
solution
you
gave
me,
that
as
far
as
I
know,
God
doesn't
have
to
work
steps.
He's
already
got
him
down,
you
know?
If
I
turn
my
will
and
my
life
over,
told
me
he
intuitively
knows
perfectly
what
to
do.
You
know,
my
problem
is
I
keep
trying
to
think
on
his
behalf.
You
ever
do
that?
Good
luck.
I
can't
emphasize
that
enough.
I
think
what's
important
about
this
is
I
have
a
living
problem.
I
got
to
have
a
living
solution.
What
good
is
a
life
or
a
God
that
can't
be
in
this
room
with
us
right
now?
You
know,
if
you're
looking
around
in
this
room
and
if
there's
somebody
sitting
within
two
chairs
of
you
right
now,
you
don't
know.
And
you
would
take
the
time
tonight
to
say
hello
to
him
and
find
out
something
that
you're
outside
of
your
own
comfort
zone,
something
that's
new
that
you
don't
know
and
step
towards
it
and
say
hello
to
somebody
or
something
like
that.
That
has
more
to
do
with
this
process
than
anything
else
in
the
face
of
the
moon.
You
know,
the
problem
with
the
alcoholism
is
that
the
disease
in
the
mind
and
the
minds
trying
to
protect
me.
And
so
it's
created
a
barrier
around
me
and
around
you
and
around
just
like
Herbert
Spencer
says
it.
It's
the
perfect
bar
against
any
because
it's
contempt
beyond,
you
know,
investigation.
I
already
know
I
can't
talk
to
you
because
you're
not
right.
You
know,
I
never
met
you,
but
I
already
know
that,
you
know,
and
I've
never
been
right
yet,
have
you?
You
know,
I,
I'm
probably
going
to
be
wrong
tomorrow
and
it's
the
greatest
thing
in
the
world.
I've
not
been
right
about
anything
yet.
Yeah,
and
that's
the
beautiful
part
of
this.
I
think
it's
God's
job
to
be
right
and
it's
my
job
to
be
wrong.
And
it's
perfect
that
way.
When
I
was
a
little
kid,
we
went
down
to
Southern
California
one
time,
and
the
troubled
spiritual
growth
makes
it
so
rough.
Is
is
in
the
human
form.
I
think
if
you're
10
years
old
and
you're
living
at
home,
nobody
says
anything.
But
if
you're
40
and
you're
living
with
your
mother,
everybody
starts
to
talk,
you
know,
and
they
start
saying
there's
something
wrong
with
your
son,
you
know?
And
what
I'm
getting
at
is
everything
in
the
human
form
is
about
over
a
period
of
time
you
get
more
capable
of
self
governing
and
self
self-reliance
and
taking
care
of
yourself.
The
reason
this
is
so
difficult
for
me
to
grasp
is
it's
just
the
opposite
in
the
spiritual
room.
The
longer
I've
been
here,
the
truth
is
the
less
I
can
do
is
it
and
the
more
God
becomes
participating
in
my
life.
And
this
is
a
job.
If
there
is
progress
versus
perfection,
it's
that
I'm
less
involved
in
my
life
today
than
I
was
the
day
I
got
here.
And
I
trust
enough
allow
God
to
provide
a
life
to
me
that
I
could
never
provide
for
myself.
And
my
big
fat
ego
gets
out
of
the
way
long
enough
to
let
somebody
else
take
the
credit.
I've
got
to
get
over
this
notion
that
there's
going
to
be
brag
value
in
this.
I
know
just
enough
to
take
everything
out
right
now.
I
love
praise
you.
I
think
you
do.
I,
we
were
talking
about
with
Katie
there
tonight
and
it
was
like,
I
used
to
love
to
stand
in
front
of
a
group
of
people
and
get
a
round
of
applause.
But
you
know,
when
you're
dying
drunk,
that
round
of
applause
won't
do
much
for
you.
It
really
won't.
You
know,
I
know
that
for
a
fact.
Maybe
some
of
you
that
haven't
had
applause
for
a
long
time,
think
if
you
get
that
back,
it'll
treat
you.
I
can
tell
you,
I
can
short
that
cut
a
little
bit
on
you
and
tell
you
that
it
doesn't
do
it.
You
know,
you
know,
what
I'm
getting
at
is
it's
about
letting
something
else
begin
to
do
for
me.
First
with
booze,
because
I
accept
the
fact
from
another
alcoholic
that
I've
lost
the
power
of
choice.
But
then
eventually
in
the
sixth
step,
we
began
to
see
with
all
other
things,
all
other
things,
you
know,
we
take
a
piece
meal
at
first
maybe,
but
what
we
begin
to
find
out
is
there's
somebody
that
has
a
I'll
give
you
the
best
example
I
can
think
of.
I
don't
want
to
talk
all
night,
but
I
used
to,
you
know,
you
are
of
domestic
problems.
This
is
the
guy
that's,
you
know,
I've
had
a
few
And
what
I'm
saying
is
I
had
a
hell
of
a
time.
I'll
pick
up
my
first
wife.
We
would
just
go
around
and
round
and
round.
That
guy
was
hell
bent
on
getting
me
sober
until
about
two
months
after
I
got
sober.
And
then
she
lost
her
shadow
and
she
wasn't
too
happy
with
that.
She
had
to
look
at
her
own
drinking.
But
what
I'm
getting
at
is
we
would
go
round
and
round
and
round
all
the
time.
And
it
wasn't
until
years
later,
being
an
Alcoholic
Anonymous,
that
I
started
to
get
the
idea
of
spiritual
development.
Tell
you
is
we
fought
my
cats
and
dogs
except
for
one
exception.
She
had
a
dad
that
idolized.
He
was
a
drunk
like
me.
And
I
just
thought
I'd
gone
to
heaven
getting
into
this
family.
My
father-in-law
was
my
hero.
I
mean,
we
would
fall
asleep
in
the
mashed
potatoes
together
at
Christmas
time.
It
was
like
I
had
company
and
when
this
guy
came,
I
look
forward
to
his
visits.
And
what
I
realized
was
I
God
was
showing
me
this
one
time
he
would
come
to
the
house,
we'd
pick
him
up
at
the
airport
and
we'd
drive
him
in.
And
for
that
whole
week,
my
wife
couldn't
do
anything
wrong.
You
know,
she
couldn't
do
anything
wrong
because
her
dad
was
in
the
room,
you
see.
And
we'd
go
through
this
week
and
I'd
talk
about
how
good
the
cooking
was
and
everything
like
that.
At
the
end
of
the
week,
he'd
go
back
to
Texas
and
we'd
drive
him
out
to
the
airport
and
we'd
say
goodbye
and
hug
and
all
that.
And
we
didn't
even
get
back
in
the
car.
We
were
on
the
way
back
to
the
house.
I
told
her
everything
she
did
wrong
for
the
last
week.
You
know,
now
I've
got
to
be
a
clue
about
that.
I
realized
that
I
would
treat
people
one
way
when
their
father
was
in
the
room
and
another
way
when
they
were
alone.
I
don't
know
if
you
hear
what
I'm
saying,
but
I
think
I
can
treat
you
any
way
I
want
except
for
one
thing.
When
I
know
that
the
thing
that
created
you
is
in
the
room
with
us,
all
of
a
sudden
you
look
different
to
me.
Is
it?
And
I
began
to
realize
a
little
bit
about
spiritual
development
and
what
it
is
you
say.
It's
about
not
making
decisions
alone
and
basically
not
making
the
decision
at
all.
Looking
to
her
father,
per
Southeast,
when
her
daughter
is
upset
with
me
and
crying
and
maybe
going
to
him,
who
knows
her
a
little
longer
than
I
do,
and
ask
him
what
the
hell
to
do
with
this.
You're
saying
I
began
to
get
clues
about
life,
about
people
that
I
knew
not
enough
to
help
them,
but
I'd
go
to
him
and
I'd
say,
you
know
him.
You've
been
with
him
ever
since
I
got
here.
Help
me
with
this
and
I'd
start
to
get
answers
to
things
I
could
never
have
ever
tapped
into
in
my
life.
And
I
still
get
him
on
a
regular
basis.
We're
going
to
close
up
in
a
minute.
I'm
going
to
tell
you
that
Alcoholics
Anonymous
works.
If
you're
here
and
you
want
to
give
it
a
try.
I've
got
a
lot
of
people
in
here
that
want
to
help,
but
it
works
consistently
when
we
work
it.
I'm
sober
by
the
grace
of
some
of
the
work
we
did
today.
You
know,
I
never
got
to
a
bar
on
a
Tuesday
night
and
told
not
to
pour
me
anything
because
I
drank
so
much
on
Monday.
Did
you
do
that?
So
there's
no
such
thing
as
completing
steps.
In
other
words,
it's
a
working
process.
I'm
trying
to
do
the
things
tonight
to
stay
under
the
influence
of
Alcoholics.
Managed
tonight.
You
know,
I
like
the
way
it
makes
me
feel.
You
know,
I
like
what
it
feels
like
to
be
under
the
influence
of
what
you
people
gave
me.
I
encourage
you
as
we're
getting
out
of
the
meeting,
maybe
to
meet
somebody
new.
Don't
do
the
unthinkable,
for
God's
sakes.
Don't
tell
anybody
that
you
don't
have
all
the
the
angles
on
all
your
problems
solved
because
you're
level
to
get
help,
you
know,
But
what
I'm
getting
at
is
this
is
a
place
where
if
we
reach
out
and
admit
to
each
other
we
don't
have
all
the
answers,
something
can
begin
to
happen,
you
know,
and
that's
really
what
it's
at.
That's
where
God
appears.
That's
what
we
get
real.
Thank
you
so
much
for
the
privilege
of
being
here
tonight,
and
thank
God
we
got
the
temperature
back
then.