The first anniversary meeting of the There is a Solution group in London, UK

Pete Gustavus is a not acceptable at this meeting. And with that, I'll hand you over to our first speaker of the evening, Craig, who has come to share the experience. Thank you,

It's a pleasure and an honour privilege to be up here. There is a solution Groups 1st anniversary which I'm sure it will be the first of many. You know many of the people within this group and I know that

you know the passionate fact. That's why I like, and also

they know that their lives depend upon it. You know, I think that that's what a lot of it comes down to. You know what?

I, we, we embarked on a new way of living, a new way of life,

which I was much in need of, you know, most definitely, you know, I tried doing it my way, You know what, to find one for doing what I wanted when I wanted it, you know, and

didn't really work out. You know,

life was becoming very much hard work again.

Life used to be hard work for me from the very beginning.

I'm one of them people. I know many people I like. It's not everyone starts their life off like this, but by difficulty, just living, you know, especially around other people, interacting with others was virtually impossible for me. I'd prefer to isolate by myself, you know,

If I was going to join the army, it'll be the sniper. I'll be the one by myself, you know, hiding somewhere else. You know, I wouldn't be part of the game that that's getting involved in everything,

you know, and that, that, that inability to mix to get on, you know,

you know, that, that that was the biggest problem I had for years and years and years, you know, until I found drugs, you know, until I started getting out of my head. Life took off. That was like, this is the missing part. You know, this is what's been missing all the time. You know, I've started to feel a sense of freedom, a freedom from the fear and anxiety that I'd always, always had.

You know, I was a very anxious person

and when I've got high and I've had needs and comfort and I've never felt before, you know, and, and, and I loved it, you know, I, I finally got a hobby that I, I really relished, you know, and, and I went for it, you know, really did you know, I was sometimes using with people where was a bit of a badge of honour. The more you did, you know, the, the, the, you know, the more bravado that was about it and I was half well, finally something

and I'm like selling that, you know, look at me go. That's how I started off. That's how I look a bit continued towards the end, though, I was hiding. I hiding how much I was using, how often I was using. I was still doing more and more than what I'd ever done before. I didn't want anyone to know, you know, because I realized there was a serious problem going on and I

had little control over what was doing. You know, it used to scare me.

You know how easily I could give you an example. The last one, I went on the page the morning before, what a morning that I started at that page. I woke up and it was one of them days and taught me my life out. This is it. These days only comes like, you know, sometimes once every four years, something like that. And I'm like, this is it, I'm doing it. I'm going to work, I'm going to be productive, I'm going to do what we need to be doing. I'm going to get healthy. Everything else,

I was on fire that morning. I was so determined, so certain, so sure that I was gonna turn the corner, make something of my life.

And it came about 11:00 in the morning.

I was at McDonald's

and I was going back to the car and I was sitting in,

you know, simple, just better a little bit. You know, it's a nice time. Why not? If I start now, then I won't, you know, I won't be scratching around at half three in the morning trying to find a dealer that's still working. You know, I can do that at 7:00 in the evening instead. You know, this is, this is the same person who an hour, three hours earlier was going to sort the rest of his life out. You know, I, I knew what happened when I started using, you know,

it was health and leather every time,

you know, just a thought of a drug, you know, and I'd be multiplying it before I even got there

and oven. But that's how easy that's that obsession, that thinking would grab me, you know, and that that obsessive thinking, you know, I know he's never gonna leave me. You know,

if if if I wanted to, if I tried to will it to by myself, you know, that there was only one thing I really sort of would would rely upon before embarking on this program

was my own willpower. You know, that's what was going to Get Me Out of situations. That's what was going to sort my life out. That's how I was going to control my drug use or stop doing drugs. You know, my willpower means nothing when it comes to giving up drugs. It it's good in other situations, but when it comes to stopping drugs, it it's not fair. I have the will but don't have the power to do it. And

and that that day was a fine example of it.

You know, it evaporated. You know, my willpower was useless. And I recognize now that I was never, ever going to get that willpower to work in them situations when it comes to drugs. And I know that now because you know, something that the book speaks of a spiritual malady, you know, when a sense of restlessness, irritableness and discontent, it says,

you know, that's, that's my nature. You know, I'm restless. I can't keep still. I said I was full of fear, full of anxiety,

you know, that's that restlessness, discontentment. I'm never quite happy. It's never quite right, you know, sometimes. Never mind. It's not quite right. It's bloody miles away from where I want it to be. You know, I've got ideas. Yeah. This is where my life should be. This is how great my life should be. This is who I should be and where I'm going. And and I'm at the bottom of the mountain all the time. I never seem to be getting to the top of that mountain,

you know, and that, that I can't, I can't live with that, you know, that, that lack of

performance or success in my own life, you know, and inevitable, you know, very irritable things annoy me, you annoy me, I annoy me. My thinking annoys me, you know. But it's so easy to just get annoyed by little things, big things, anything, you know, It's not going my way. And it just that that's just how I am.

But when I'm like that,

you know what, life comes a bit unbearable,

you know, and and I am always turn to the thing that I know it's always guaranteed to work, you know, quick results, you know, that that was using getting high. You know, I knew I'd do that. I'm going to feel better. You know, I treat that spiritual condition, that spiritual malady, you know,

but nowadays, you know, I treat in a different way. You know, the the drugs work for many years. They they were solutions to a problem always out there's fear based spiritual maladin. You know, that's what drugs did. They treated that spiritual condition. You know, that that that anti life kind of feeling that I had, you know, I just couldn't get on with life. You know, it just was not my bad, you know, living this for other people. You know, I ended up here by mistake.

Advocate, you know, and umm, you know, the solution I've got now, you know, involved his name up there four times. God, you know,

I wouldn't have thought that was going to be the case, you know, but that's

one of the, the, the most important relationship I've got today. Is that why, you know, because that, that power, God, you know, that God is where we get the power, you know, the power to stay clean, the power to move forward in my life, The, the power to, to climb that mountain that I never seem to be able to climb. You know that the power to integrate with other people, to communicate, you know, the power to, to, to get free

from the bondages of, you know, fear and anxiety. You know that the power to live, to enjoy living, to be a part of life, the human race, you know, to be integral. You know, I couldn't be integral. I couldn't be part of, you know, I found it so hard. So therefore I tried to isolate as much as possible. You know, all get high, you know, nowadays, great, you know, I've become a part of the human race. You know when I do that,

you know, this doesn't involve doing things I want to do, you know, a lot at the time it involves doing things by the people, a lot of things I don't want to do, you know, by doing that, you know what I feel, you know, so much more whole on the inside, you know, and I don't have that sense of restlessness, that irritability, that discontent, and therefore it don't need to use to make myself feel better.

That's all I was doing most of the time. Don't realize it. I used to use to make me feel better, you know, now I've otherwise made me feel better. And there's so much more purer

than what it used to be. You know, I get to experience life now the way

I always wish I could have. I could have even imagined what it's like to experience life this way. But you know it, it's golden. It really is, you know, and if if you're if you're new around, you know, one get, get get involved in this, Why not? You know, it's worth it. I'll leave it there. Thanks, Greg. And now I'll hand you over to our second so Ruth who's come to share her experience.

Thank you. My name is my name is Ruth, and I'm a recovered addict.

It's wonderful to be here tonight. It's such a pleasure to, you know, to come like 150 miles or so from from home and to come and find exactly the same strong message of recovery and, you know, people who suffer from the same illness that I suffer from and have the same solution.

There is a solution. You know, that's the first bit of good news. I didn't hear that very often when I was out there using. There is a solution. You know I tried lots and lots of

of different things. People perhaps said you know this might help or you could try this. But you know, there is a solution.

You know, I found it at at my Home group in Plymouth. I loved what it said. Actually in the preamble it said drug addicts recover in DAA by getting a sponsor and working steps and it really is that simple.

Took me a long time to get that. It was so simple, I couldn't see it.

I arrived in Plymouth many years ago and you know, I can remember a time when I sat there in the middle of town. I thought, what am I doing here? You know, I'd, I'd kind of gone through so many years of, of using and, and all those kind of self-imposed crises and running away from things. And, you know, I'll move here and everything will be all right. And, you know, and I'd ended up

in this town, but quite by accident, you know, and I just didn't know what I was doing there.

But I found out, you know, I, I don't think of that kind of thing as it was God's will. But, you know, I just feel that I was very, very fortunate to find a Home group that had a very strong message of recovery

for me. You know, I use drugs, of course, for many years. And, and I, and I felt a lot of what Craig felt, you know, that fear of being around people, that discomfort, that using drugs and alcohol, you know, kind of masked all that,

you know, wasn't the kind of addict who was constantly overdosing or, you know, I, I, I kind of kept this impression of having things reasonably together. You know, I, I, I brought my daughter up after a fashion, you know, I was in the, you know, I even had a job in the end, when I, when I actually reached a point of desperation, things really didn't look too bad. You know, I had, I had a job, I had a home. My daughter still lived with me, you know,

intents and purposes. I looked like I was kind of doing right, but I was broken. I was absolutely broken inside, you know, I,

I experienced myself as I really am. You know, I had this moment of clarity where I realized that I was going to spend the rest of my life doing exactly the same things, be that taking drugs, be that, you know, going through numerous boyfriends and, you know, moving to new places, you know, just this constant chaos,

constantly just feeling lost and, and like there was something missing. You know, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was going to continue to do exactly the same thing for the rest of my sad life. And I couldn't bear it. I really just couldn't bear it.

And finally then I had the willingness to go to a group of people who had met on a number of occasions and, and who I knew was serious, you know, and this had always been my problem with them. You know, I'd always felt they were far too serious. You know, for God's sake, it's only a few drugs, you know, this denial that I had around my using. But, you know, when I was that desperate, I knew where I needed to go. And,

and the best thing about it was, as I said at the beginning, the message was so simple.

You know, it was laid out for me by people with experience. You know, they, they didn't, didn't mince their words. You know, it was very, very simple. You're in trouble. Get a sponsor, do what we've done, you know, and you too can have these results. Because I could see that these people had a good life. You know, they, they were happy people. They were laughing and joking with each other. They obviously, you know, they radiated a kind of comfort in themselves, a kind of, you know,

something that I didn't have and I desperately, desperately wanted.

And I had enough humility and enough willingness

to just do what they did, to ask for help and, you know, to follow their direction.

And it was only a very little bit. You know, it was a very little bit of willingness and a very little bit of faith. And that was all I needed. And with that little tiny bit, you know, I got a sponsor. I got some simple suggestions and I started to put these things into action in my life.

And that faith and that willingness grew very, very quickly because things started to change. You know, almost immediately

I felt a sense of calm. I felt that things were going to be OK. So I kept doing this stuff. You know, faith very quickly became experience. And, you know, I, I began to work the steps with my sponsor and I had a really profound experience in that, you know, because I'd often thought that

in fact, I can remember saying to my sponsor, you know, what about this problem I've gotten, What about that problem I've got, I'm going to need some help with it. And my sponsor very wisely said to me, you know, just just work the steps. If you need anything else after that, fine, but just work the steps and see, see where you're at then. And for once in my life, I actually did what I was told, you know, and, and I focused on the steps. You know, it was, it was like wearing blinkers

for several months, you know, quite voluntarily. I decided, you know, I wasn't going to

do anything other than, you know, just live day by day and work these steps and, and put my best effort into it, you know, and that's what I did. And, you know, I, I went through the steps and to my absolute amazement, I found that, you know, all sorts of things in my life began to get ironed out. You know, all my crazy thinking, all my kind of running around trying to control everything and trying to put everything right. And, you know, all that stuff began to kind of calm down

and sort itself out. And I found that, you know, I didn't need to be like that. I didn't need to be constantly trying to control everything. You know, I was able to begin to get a connection with a higher power, you know, and to hand my will and my life over to that higher power on every level,

You know, because when I, when I first encountered 12 step fellowships, it, it, I had thought it was just all about the drugs, you know, but I found that, you know, I could have my whole life over to a higher, higher power and, and the results were fantastic.

And you know, I've, I've gone along and you know, I have a very, very different life today. I've been able to achieve some quite amazing things really. Um,

but I was reflecting today on how it's really just the ordinary little things that that bring me such pleasure, you know, being able to talk to, to a stranger on the bus and not just feel completely kind of self centred. And,

you know, just just little simple things in my life that that mean I'm actually able to enjoy my life. Not, not any, you know, great events or, or, you know, fireworks going off or anything like that. You know, I live really quite an ordinary life on the whole, but it's how I feel about that life and how I feel about myself and how I'm able to conduct myself in that life and and, you know, see where I can be of use to other people and

feel that I have, you know, some per person, some direction in life. You know, thank you. And, you know, to be able to come here, you know, I to, to be able to come and share a message of recovery, to share my strength and experience with you is is, you know, the culmination of that. Really, you know, it seemed, you know, it seemed like.

Something that seemed a bit odd to me years ago, before I ever really got this. You know why? Why do people want to keep going to these meetings? But,

you know, I know now there's nowhere else I'd rather be than than, you know, coming here to share a message with people and, you know, who knows, making a difference to someone's life. And I'll leave it there. Thank you. And with that, I'll hand you over to our final speaker of the evening, Dan, who has come share his experience. Thanks a lot. My name is Dan. I'm Alice. Thank you very much. And it's a few to my group. My group,

our group, those Home group members who

asked me to come to share for for you tonight. And it's a privilege and an honour. I'm wearing tie. It's not something I normally do. I don't really like wearing a tie, but I it's here to pay tribute to the group and to I take this seriously, to honour those who haven't made it and more. And most important, because my sponsor told me to, I was told to wear a tie and I did what I was told. Which if anything like me is a fucking miracle.

I I literally do have a T-shirt

a but says don't tell me what to do and I was a big fan of that. Don't tell me what? There's no point. I'm not gonna do you tell me anyway. I'm a I'm a rebel. I'm a defiant rebel. I'm an atheist, a militant atheist. I'm a Marxist, I'm a feminist. I and whatever you've got ethic really I,

that was my bravado my, my ego. But deep inside and also when I with you, this great word reflected, I think when I was forced to reflect more often than not, I was baffled, baffled as a child, I was baffled as a team. I was baffled as a an adult. I was baffled as a drug addict. I, I was baffled as an employee,

I was baffled as a boyfriend. I just battled as a son. I just didn't get it. I just, you know, I remember walking to school once with my mates and

of about 13 or 14 and yeah, we're talking about O levels. And you know, what we can do after school is going to happen, you know, become a lawyer, doctor. And I sort of lagging behind them just thinking what are they talking about?

They've been given some special lesson because I certainly haven't had it and I don't know what but they mean how do they know I can't, I can't sort of make any decision whatsoever. And I was in, you know, self-centered in my little world and what

doing I don't, I'm scared now. They've obviously got a plan and I don't. And we just have to walk. It's down in Chiswick, just across the church and ropes, A4 lane, the A4, four lanes of traffic. And I'm standing in the middle of this. I'm a little stubborn concrete and I've missed lagging behind. They've got across the road and I'm stuck in the middle of the road and this great big Oscar going that way and there's a bus going out and all these traffic and I'm stuck in the middle of the road. So I don't know what I'm doing. I just, you know, if I make the wrong move, I'm going to get

killed and then get hit by something. And that really sort of captures my, my life in many respects. I was baffled. I have no direction. I have no idea what I was doing, but it's crazy. You know, when I, when I started using, shortly after I started using and

it was great because I didn't care anymore.

I felt like I've got something I don't 1st I believe not to put it in my body. I've said in my pocket, get a little 6 feet down the Portobello road and I was the king. You know, I mean I really, I felt fantastic and I was in the club and nothing else mattered. As long as I had my special new friend, all would be well. And it was good for a while.

And I remember it was a 90s dawned and

sort of new drugs came in, different drugs, whatever. And I remember a friend of mine,

usually quite a bit, but you just want to be a gold card carrying member of a fucked up club. Don't That's it. That's what I am. That's it. This is this is the life. And I was making quite a lot of money at the time and and drugs are easy, you know, black cab, champagne, all the rest of it. And

I just that's the way it's always going to be. It's always the guys I was using with the thing you want to do to slow down, mate. You mean you need to put some of that money away? You perhaps

first time you're talking, you're an amateur. I don't want to. And it all came to a grinding hole one day and I was unemployed, on the dole, living the squat and trying to sort of recapture the glory days. And it was all that 10 or 20 LB bag a day. And I, I remember, you know, just like they said, I remember thinking, right, I got arrested. I remember thinking right

now that is it and I'll take this seriously. I'm going to go to college.

I'm a smart guy. I'm gonna get even smarter. I'm gonna do this course and then I'm gonna set up this company. And are you gonna watch me fly high? And I remember the first day of this course, it was actually in the afternoon. I enrolled in the first lessons in the introductory lesson in the morning. I've been in court pleading. Please don't send me to jail. Please don't send me to jail. I've got courses. I'm responsible member of society. I have my tie on the suit and I even have a gold pen that I found so much. Anyway, so

this this College of down the Elephant Castle and I'm I'm right at the front and I'm looking good and I am the best student in the world ever. And I remember going home to, you know, that went really well. I was pretty, I was clean.

To be one of my core peers, I had to be to me. And what's the problem? So the next day I'm not at the front, but I'm still pretty keen. Yeah, two or three rows back, you know, not in the suit anymore, you know, iron up the woman. I've only won at the time. Anyway.

Two weeks later I am at the back of the classroom. I'm thinking

probably score at lunchtime and make it back for the afternoon. I could probably do that. I could probably do that. I remember being in the toilet going, I have lessons. I don't do that. And and then the next thing I was getting a phone call about three months later from this girl. OK, are you right? Where are you? And it is gone. And I was thinking, I'm sure I didn't want to do this. I'm sure I didn't. This, this I know this is bad news

that where I'm going because I've been there before, it's not going to go very well for me and I don't seem to be able to care about it. I don't seem to have to do anything about it. I don't seem to have any real resources. And this is 1998. I didn't stop using for another three years and in during that time, I had a period of being clean and, you know, kind of assert my girlfriend got a job, got car, got flat. And I

during this period, my I met with my sister. He's very worried about me and I, you know, I've made this push and yet another push and she flung her arms around me and she said it's so good to have my brother back. And I deep down I knew that that was a lie. Well, she, she may believe that I didn't. Deep down I didn't believe it. Deep down I knew I was the same thing. Whatever this thing is,

this thing that's backing me, the thing that means I go and use when I don't want to

use the wrong What's it wrong wrong. I use the right drugs. I'm concerned, but I used them in the wrong way or the wrong time or the wrong amount or that I just can't seem to mean drugs don't, as much as I love them, don't seem to, to be able to get on. And

I, I started going to psychiatrists and doctors and therapists and drug workers and counselors and all that sort of stuff. And again, I was baffled. I remember sitting with this very good doctor and he was saying, you know, what seemed to be a common sense really. And I remember thinking, I know those words are true. I know they that's sense, that's logic. It's you have all this training and it's good,

but it just is like ping pong balls

of the cyber battleships. While I'm concerned because I know I'm doing this and the back of my head down here. Whatever, because I'm I know what I'm I'm going to do it now. And I went and did it again and again and again again until finally I got to a place where the this wonderful book Anonymous described as the jumping off place

where I I the thing that I've been keeping me alive of John. And that was hope, the tiny little bit of hope. And that was the thing that's actually killing me. And it had gone and the wind blew through me. And when I read the words in the chat provision for you about the sort of this bewilderment, this terror, this loneliness, I just thought, Christ, I know that that that really is me. You strip everything away from me and you take the drugs away from me. And when I don't have what I want, which is always,

and I want a Bentley and I want this beautiful woman. I want millions of pounds and I for doing nothing, you know, when I, when I, when I sort of and just me, that's how I am. I am scared. I'm baffled. I, I, I, I shut it at the thought of anything doing anything right. And

I,

the thing that really got me was that I knew that tomorrow was going to be exactly the same as today, exactly with one caveat that it was going to be a little bit worse. And after someone downhill

now I didn't come here with an arm hanging off for a long prison record or haven't killed anybody. And I knew that was irrelevant. I used people who all of that happened to and they used just like I did. And they they, they died. I just knew that my the game was up

and

having because I explored. I didn't know this. I'd explored my reservations. I'd come here. I'd tried a hell of a lot. I've tried using drugs. I've tried not using drugs. I've tried doctors, psychiatrists, therapists. I've tried rehab, but long unless

it availed me absolutely nothing. And I thought, you know the classic I've got to know myself. Yeah, I've got to learn about myself. Waste of time if you're like me. I didn't do anything for me whatsoever.

What happened was that I got to a .1 day where I truly had enough. I was defeated. That and this is the marker for this, was I was so tired. I only just physically tired. I'm physically knackered now. I mean deep, deep within me, all I want to do is sit down and rest for a couple of hours and not have to get up. I couldn't do that if I was in the room on my own with a sofa and some drugs. I couldn't sit on the sofa. I could not take it easy, I could not relax. I could not just be with myself. No matter how many jobs I had, I just could not do it

and I felt haunted. There was this deep feeling of doom and gloom. A friend of mine and Plymouth describe it, torture and doom, and

I met these guys. Let me explain. I met these guys just like in this meeting here, men and women who had recovered, and I didn't like them very much.

They were happy.

I wasn't. They had lives I didn't. They knew how to live a life. I had not got a clue. And but I I threw in my I threw in my lock with them and they were the most tested group in town. Nobody liked them. What in any way. They weren't talking about how they felt. It means they weren't talking about their King day. They weren't going. They weren't. These people were

constructive, happy, useful, purpose, purposeful, directed lives.

And I signed up and you, it's a no brainer. I recovered. I recovered because I shut up and I did what I was told to do. It's that simple. I trusted my sponsor. He obviously knew how to live like he screamed out and it beamed down him. He projected an image of confidence and it didn't suffer fools gladly. He he just didn't seem to care.

But when a newcomer turned up, when a suffering addict turned up, he was on it

straight away and he asked what? I was standing outside this church and this guy handles up and he's battered in front and and I'll stand up. So you don't just start doing the work. And I and I was and I was this guy, newcomers coming towards me. I'm like, Oh my God, what do you want to do? What do I do? I just, you know,

I was supposed to step in front with in twists and he just went bang and he did this bit of 12 step work and I just set that open mouth. I couldn't believe it. This guy that was quite scared of and, and, you know, he was talking fuck off. You know, he said that sometimes it's the most spiritual thing you can say to somebody. If you got to piss around, there's a door over there. The problem with this meeting is we haven't got a big enough sign over that door saying exit. Yeah. And these are kind of things you say and I'll be Oh my God. And he got hold of this new guy, sat down, cup of tea for this guy. I gave him a fag and he just started talking. He shared

and I watched this Rep of a man. The hope began to flow into his eyes and I washes and sort. Fucking hell, man, I want to be able to do that. I can. I can because I've recovered. I can because I'm not a spiritual guy. I don't know what being a spiritual guy is. No idea. I'm not really interested. I am, however, I'm a man who lives on spiritual principles that are contained in this book is what you get when you work through the steps. And

I did that and I've got what my sponsors got. I've got a great life. I've got a life I'm proud of. I say I'm proud of you. If you want to speak to somebody who can explain what that really is like, don't speak to my mum. I destroyed her life. And she, when I see it, she just smiles at me. She's, she's grateful as I am. And yeah, this is a wonderful meeting, wonderful group. Thank you very much indeed.

Could you please keep your shares reasonably short so that everyone has a chance to share?