The South Coast Speakers meeting in Laguna Beach, CA

3 1/2 decades I've had the the honor and pleasure of leading this particular meeting and

the speaker tonight was able to convince me that I could go a day without drinking. And for all the hundreds of things he's done for me, I really

great deal of gratitude and I love this man very much. Clancy,

come on.

My name is Clancy Emmas Lund and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm very glad to be here. I want to

in kind of an honor of my dear friend and baby Tom. Let me just take a moment.

But I, I must say, there's a lot of young people here. A lot of young people stood up and there's always some old people in the meeting, some young people like John and I and Tom, you know, we get up every morning and read the obits and see if we made it. And

I had a special thrill the other day. I was reading the magazine because I was in World War 2 as a young man. And they tell me that now something over 1500, a World War 2 veterans die every day. So

I treat me with love. But that's the incongruity of a A because it's a strange place. You know, there's some old guy will get up there and say I stayed drunk around the clock

for 40 years,

as if to say to the little snots in the front row, I've been around longer than you've been alive. And they didn't know their little snots are thinking you can't be much of an alcoholic if you lasted 40 years. Your old son of a bitch.

And it turns out it is how long you drank even. There's nothing to do with it.

It's something that makes an alcoholic is something none of us seem to know very easily. It takes a hard time to find out. If you don't find it out, a doesn't make sense. I came to my first day meeting a great many years ago and I was just out of the University of Wisconsin. I was back from being in the war and the war. I'd learned to drink a little bit and I loved drinking and just I did very great in college and drank a lot and went out in the world, became a sports writer and drank a lot.

But I had one little problem

is that I I seem to drink a little too much, sometimes more than I plan to. And I would act bizarrely. That's was the term they used for me. And so somebody says I suggest I go to the Alcoholics Anonymous. So I went to my first AA meeting. I'm sure I felt some like ways of the newcomers here, except I was in a town where there's only eight people sitting around to tow 8 fat old guys.

One guy says, what the hell are you doing here? God, that's a wonderful introduction. I now know why I said it because I was 22. I looked much younger and there wasn't anybody in that state under 40 years old in a A and so there's like some kid 12 years old communication. I think I'm an alcoholic. Or do you? I think you have a broken nose,

but they let me sit around and listen to them and it doesn't take long. If you're new to know about a A easy

Alcoholics are people whose problem is alcohol, obviously, and they drink too much. They get in trouble and they come to AA and admit their problem is alcohol, which gives them a sense of relief, apparently. Then apparently they return to God. Then they show their gratitude by helping others. And it's just kind of a dreary Gray tunnel, it looks like, and everybody has to confront that. But it does take long to learn about a hell. There's a study around here.

And so I, I learned that in my first day meeting

and I learned it thereafter and moved to a different city where I was an executive of the company. And I started drinking too much. And they told me that you're going to, you're going to stop drinking, we'll have to let you go. And I had a great idea. I said, oh, Mr. Carlson you know, I'm

I got drinking in the war overseas

and I said, but they've got this new thing downtown called Alcoholics Anonymous, which you put me on a paid leave of absence and I'll go down there and get sobered up and quit drinking and be okay. He said, yeah, that'll be very fine because nobody knew much about it is very mysterious then. So I went down, sat in some meetings in that city and different faces with the same old pukes. You know, I drank lots by the and I could see that I was never going to stay sober with these jerks because my problem wasn't drinking.

My problem was drinking provided what comfort I had.

My job was trying to find a way not to drink too much. And so I I look for another job and found it. I didn't go back to that company and I did that for years. I would work in a company and I could write very well. I had very good things happen to me and I would get in trouble and they'd give me. You have to stop your drinking and go to a A for a while and

find another job.

And one of the nice things about it in those days is you. You can go home and tell your wife. Well, dear, I've gone back to a A wonderful, wonderful. I think it'll do wonders for you, darling. What do they want you to do? Well, they want me to taper off,

and there wasn't any Al Anon then to screw it up for everybody.

Since the birth of al Anon, there's ever been a moment's rest for anybody anywhere. Now they don't want you to taper off. Just wants to stop entirely. We know some program of absolute being Summer. We have the same steps. We have the same book. I release you, you son of a bitch.

But I did that and I went to a A and I and I, it's funny thing, you know, when I first came to, I had a sponsor briefly who's gave up with me quickly, but he had me read the book and I read the book Alcoholics Anonymous, as I'm sure somebody would ask you to do. And

they, they said it's a badly written book. It is not a badly written book. It's a, it's a dull book is what it is. It doesn't ever get anywhere. And I read it and I'm a I'm a writer

on the way to becoming a successful writer. And it is a nice place, but I like things that have some action. Do this, take this action and you read that book you

if you are thorough at this stage of your development.

I just gave up with a damn book.

I went to a A and

my problem with Alcoholics Anonymous always with this, these other people had terrible drinking problems and they got sober, they felt better. I had, I had a need for alcohol to because I was imbalanced somehow inside of me and I needed something to put me in balance and make me feel good. And my problem always was that I couldn't watch it. I thought about that later with us many years later when it came to a again and

stayed around for a while and I read the book again and I read something in there I didn't even recall reading.

It really is the story of my life. And if you're new here, tonight's the story of your life, although you may not even recognize it. At the beginning of Chapter 3, there's a page or two that talks a little bit about we Alcoholics and they talk about what we have in common, and you could read right through that. Never identify a thing till you stop and think what it's saying. There's one thing in there that seems to embrace Alcoholics of our type,

and that is somewhere along the line we all have had to

voluntarily or involuntarily accept the obsession that somehow someday I will control and enjoy my drinking. It says the persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity and death. See, why would that be? But we all do it. And the talk. I want to talk about how we fight the term alcoholic. I suppose the reason I fight the term alcoholic is because not only is degrading,

but that means I can't drink. And I got to find a way to drink a little little something to get me over the hump

and to talk about another thing that happens. Dreadful. Occasional brief recoveries, always followed by a worse relapse.

And we've all had this little recovery. I got it together now I got to remember to eat before I go out. That's it.

Which just gives you more to puke later, it turns out.

And you keep fighting it, and you reach. There's a one delicate little phrase in there that is just peachy. I wish I'd have written it. Reach a stage of pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. Remember, really, I think that's how drug these poor people get. But that is what that means at all. That's how you feel after you're sober again and people want some explanations for your behavior and you haven't got them.

The correct answer is

leave me alone, God damn it,

because I don't know any more about it than you do. All I know is that you don't understand. You think my problem is alcohol, but it isn't.

Alcoholics should stop drinking. Can't stop drinking. They all say, well, once I start drinking, I can stop, stop drinking for special occasions. All sorts of things in the mid 1950s has gone through a bad pattern. Therefore, I'd get a certain stage of drinking and I'd I'd have to go out and counsel police officers.

Bad move. I start going to jail quite often.

Not for a long time. Not like felons like Johnny Harris, but

decent citizens who were misunderstood.

And I got so I could get up the morning, go home, take a shower, go to work. I mean, I really handled it well. And one night I came, came out of one morning, I came out of jail in the morning and I didn't go that much. But once a couple weeks or so and one of my neighbors was there, I say, you shouldn't have come down to you. This, you know, I got that damn cop. He really abused me. I got his badger. I'm going to get his job because I don't know about that, he said. But

while you're out there, we couldn't find you last night and your little son died and we couldn't find you.

And it just about killed me because I had a bunch of little girls and one little boy and he was the apple of my eye, I'll tell you. And I almost couldn't stand it. We took him up to Wisconsin and buried him in his grandmothers foot of his grandmothers grave. And I put my hand his little casket. I said, John Himmelson, this will never happen again. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I wouldn't have let it happen for the world. And I came back and I quit drinking. I didn't go to a A because that doesn't help. I quit drinking.

I'd come home after work at night, have dinner with my kids. First time in a long time,

night after night go home and eat dinner and after we didn't work at the homework or take it for a little ride. Just wonderful and

the one problem I also had with drinking was this. I can always stop but after a day or two someone seems to sneak into my bedroom and put an invisible spring in my gut and the next day they start to tighten it and it doesn't come out as I need. Drink comes out as

just a little restlessness,

little irritability,

little tired of the daily sermon. What I did the last time I struck get off it little by little, watching whatever Technicolor. There's my life Crazy Greg, go back to that Gray and the job gets Gray and the people get Gray and my kids get Gray, and it's just my whole life is Gray. And I've spent thousands of dollars in psychoanalysis to try to find a way to break that pattern. And I did a lot of things, but I'll tell you how you break that pattern, in case you don't know.

Have a drink.

Oh, oh Jesus.

But then you must remember to say, I'll watch it this time

not knowing that you can't watch it.

But I this time it didn't happen. My kids now get along good. Every meal would say a little prayer for baby John, like he was a

with this

and everything was just going fine. Best two or three weeks I'd had for a long time. And then one night somebody snuck into my bedroom, put an invisible spring in my gut, and the next morning I got up and just so irritable. I'm still tired about going to work. I didn't feel going to work today. I didn't feel like taking the crap to those people, putting up with their nonsense in, but I did, and

the next stage was a little bit worse, a little more intense. Couldn't sleep very well last night, but why in the hell now I'm in Norwich and nothing. I was born and raised, conceived, catechized and confirmed in the church. And I did. I was a good boy and I got older. I'd start sinning, but I mean, I'd been a very good. And it suddenly struck me why my son was died, why he'd killed this Norwegian Lutheran God. This punishing son of a bitch had taken my little boy who never committed

life and killed him to punish me.

Well, screw you, God, you'll get me in hell. But you won't get me before that. Screw you. How's the end of that?

But unfortunately, the days kept going and every day I was getting awfully bad and I, I really needed some relief badly. But when you've taken the vow in your son's casket, you can't do that. And she went on and on and on. And one day I got up and my wife had taken the children to church and I just couldn't stand another day of this. And I pulled my car in the garage and hooked up hose, the exhaust pipe and turn the motor and went to sleep and died.

Just crazed. Incidentally, that was 54 years ago today. Anniversary time. Can you bring another cake, Tom?

Upside down, this one. But I in a neighbor next door, we have to drink breakfast, having a cup of coffee and saw me go in there and didn't come out and hear the motor running. So we wandered over finding if I was all right and finally dead in the car. And he pulled me out and they beat it in my chest and breathed in my mouth and rushed me to the hospital and oxidated me, worked on me. And then they evaluated me and determined I was seriously mentally ill

and committed me to the state insane asylum for an indefinite period.

That's the go in and where I go when I stop drinking. Folks, that's no answer in my life. Maybe some people, but not mine. And I went to this nut house in Big Spring and I was there a couple weeks. I started to feel better actually, because, you know,

I was protected. I didn't realize it, but there's no there's no pressure on me at all protected. The only thing I had little trouble sleeping. I'd have you ever been state mental hospital? But every time he just doze off somewhere you hear.

It keeps you alert, I'll tell you,

but will save me some big boob of a counselor. Better not ever try to escape from here, boy. Escape proof hospital, I said. Oh, is that so?

Took me a few days. I found a way to get through a door, down a corridor, through another door, across the yard and over the fence and I was gone.

And when I got out I suddenly realized what the guy told me was true. It is true. It's an escape proof hospital but you don't know till you get out and if you ever been in West TX but they could see you running for three days out there.

If you like to catch a fool in your white bathrobe, just

well, there goes that little Yankee sumbitch now.

And they snatched me back and gave me a couple months of electric shock for that run. After that, you never run much at all. You.

What's your name boy? I don't know. Check with the disk.

Then at the early December I started to come out of that

and they notes on my record that I had done the staging and direction of a grand opera at the University of Texas. That spring is one of my sidelights. So they asked me if I'd like to direct the Christmas pageant. So I directed the Big Spring Christmas pageant that year. Not very complex. The the big job was trying to keep the three wise men off the Virgin Mary. If you possibly did,

we just won a worshiper Clay and say,

and the next year they put in an experimental Alcoholics Anonymous ward. That hospital, I pretended to be an alcoholic because I knew what they wanted and I got out. In fact, I got to be their prized pupil.

They would send me out to Odessa and Midland and towns like that to talk at their AA meetings, to attend. It would come with me to friends. I'm here tonight on behalf of my fellow patients at Big Spring State Hospital. Folks, such a view have made it possible. It's as though we were going across a vast desert of alcoholism. We came to the tall green hills of sobriety, but they were too steep for our weary legs. We didn't know what to do. But folks such as you pointed out 12 Golden Stairs one

to another that we can climb. And now as we approach the top of our hill of sobriety, prepare ourselves to return to our homes throughout West TX. We wanted to tell you that God bless you and your wonderful work. You don't know what you've done. Thank you

laugh got me out of the Texas Dunhouse and I never had another drink till I ran out of Thorazine.

But my problem was, I know, I mean, I can't stop drinking and yet I can't continue drinking. That is the great damned if you do and damned if you don't try new techniques eat. In fact, at the end of that chapter 3, there's an interesting chapter 3. There's a little paragraph that just nails it. Talks about some of us have tried to trying from one kind of

drink to another, from Scotch to Brandy. See drinking beer only taking physical exercise.

Drinking only natural wines, reading spiritual literature, taking trips, not taking trips, swearing off with or without a solemn, a whole bunch of things. Remember how sober while I read that again, I thought, God, I've tried every one of those things except one. I never tried not taking a trip.

When the heat's on, I move it out. Only cowards stay and face the consequences.

But I it was just

on and on

and I came out of that hospital and I convinced people I learned my lesson. One of the things I had to go to an A meeting once a week, which I did. And I kept taking my medication. So I didn't notice the absence of alcohol very much.

I'm not drinking at all.

I remember the night of my anniversary of my end of September 22nd, 1967 of standing in Juarez waiting for midnight.

Huh. That was a year later, Goof

57. That's what I said.

What?

OK,

don't ever argue with the guy that's got the mic.

You'll learn that someday, Curly.

Anyway, the

I stood in Juarez and waiting for midnight. 12:00 Rum and coke.

Oh God, that was good. And I went home. I didn't get drunk

and the next morning I

realize those kind of hadn't whipped now perhaps. And that afternoon I had dinner that night the next night and had a couple cocktails with dinner. Went to the A meeting to get my chip.

Remember, imagine,

Clancy, you've been drinking. I said yes, I had a couple cocktails with dinner. Why? He said, well, this is supposed to be for being sober for a year. And I said I was sober a year. Give me the goddamn chip

and

punish them and everyone backs. They didn't need him anymore. And then I was looking pretty good. I got a job in Dallas at the biggest, largest advertising engine in the South. Boy, this is my big chance now. I've learned my lesson and I was working on If you're old, you remember them the Elsin Almeras for the board and company

and some of the others and

I is under a lot of pressure. I realized I could drink safely now I would stop him drinking personal drinking more and more and pretty sure I was drunk and pursuing. They're calling me in again and she's. I couldn't believe it. I was trying to try everything, just so much pressure and

they finally called me one morning and said, you know, Clancy, give me the car keys. We're firing you. You cost us a big account by not showing up where you were supposed to be last night and not to be found anywhere. Turned out later you were drunk somewhere. You've cost us that account

and he said I'm going to tell you something. I called your wife to Sporting and I told her that you're being fired and a few smart you'd get away from you take the children

because I'm going to make it my business to see that you never work in advertising again.

It's kind of bad to go with your morning hangover.

So I got my Severus check and I drank for a couple days because I realized I'd have to go on the wagon probably. But by that time, my wife, I got home, my wife had taken, left taking the children, sold the furniture, left my clothes on the front porch. I thought, isn't that just like him? One little mistake and they turn on you.

But I knew I had to get out of Texas because

I was signed out of the state hospital. My wife, that's the way they did it. Then your house, your family could sign you in and they could sign you out. I was signed out to my wife and all she ever had to do was pick up the phone and say I don't want him anymore, come and get him and they come and get you. That makes for tough around the house here.

Are you going to take this garbage out? Yes, I am.

So I knew how to get out of town. I had no car. A guy told me a couple weeks before that he he was trying to get a car moved to Los Angeles. Did I know anybody that would drive a car from her? No, I don't think so. But that morning I did. Yes, I do. And I said I'll drive it. I said, well, how about your big job? I said I quit him, I didn't like him. They're all phonies. And I got the car. And the first night I got as far as El Paso where I was big and Juarez

stood the bar, the Chinese Palace, drinking in terminal months of rum and singing my little song Yo Soy El Maestro de Los loco Senchi Wah Wah

and all my fans going Gringo, gringo.

I got the next morning and hungover I drove, got as far as Phoenix and got drunk. I thought I got to watch this car. I don't know anybody here and I hit it and I never did find it. I haven't found it yet. All my money, all my clothes, everything in that car. And I just desperate looking for my car. Some guy says why should I just knock it off today? I didn't get a fire. Help me, I'm not going to help you come out for Christ sake.

Turns to be a plainclothes cop threw me in jail. She's going to cool me off. And that 130 degree jail, you cool, really cool off of there. And I woke up in the middle night so sick. Oh God I'm sick.

I had to throw up. I want to toilet through

turned out in somebody's bed actually is what it was. There was no one in it. How would I know, you know? So then I did what I'm sure many of us have done, laid down and put your cheek in the cool tile

and oh God that feels good, and go to sleep. This guy came back from wherever he was, found his bed full of vomit and his drunken fool layers. You damn fool, you kick my head out. I don't suppose he meant to do it, but he kicked my front teeth out,

and that was one of the few mornings in my life that I was really glad I'd spent all those thousands of dollars in psychoanalysis. I was almost instantly able to identify his problem. Remember thinking this son of a bitch is overreacting,

but I didn't want to say anything to make trouble

that morning. They released me out of the Phoenix jail just overnight again, sick, covered with vomit and blood. But I learned one thing. All these years I would go to A I learned one thing. Whenever you get to a point where you it looks so bad and smell so bad, nobody wants to see you, there's one place you're always welcome. Go to an A a club,

the worse you look, the better they like it.

That's what's buying Jim.

So I thought where the A club was, a N 3rd St. called the Arid Club certainly was. And I walked over there so sick. And I sat by the door and figured somebody offered me some money and offered to help me or something. Stepped around me and I saw some old lady trying to get up her courage to be kind to me. And I thought such a poor lady, I'll give her a pass. So she came over to the young man. Yes, man, are you sick? I said. Yes, I certainly am ma'am

to herself. Wonderful to see you younger folks getting here before you've had to go all the way.

Well, you old bitch, I didn't say that, but it cost her $20 and I ran downtown, caught a bus to Los Angeles

and hit Los Angeles sick, desperate, maybe dollar in my pocket. I knew one guy here, a guy named Ted Quillin, who was the chief star at KFWB at that time. They were #1 station, and I called it Ted. I'd give him his start years before I said, Ted, I've had a terrible car accident, could you possibly help me? He said, yeah, of course I can. Can you drive out here? I have no car. I've smashed my car to take the bus from downtown out to Hollywood Blvd. Just come and see me,

you poor guy. And I went in, finally got there, went to KFW and just terrible, grubby, smelly. And remember, he saw me say, Oh my God, Clancy, Oh my God, I'm so sorry. And he peeled off pretty good wad of money for me. I said, Jesus, thanks, Ted, I'll get back. I'll get a check pretty soon. I'll pay you back. And I got a little room and I drank for a while and had some fun. Went to the beach, did this and that for a while,

I don't know how long. Then one day I ran out of money. I called him up as Ted. I'm really sick. Could you let me have a few of my checks? Didn't come, he said. I called Dallas Clancy and you haven't had a car accident. You're a bummer. Everybody knows you're a bum now. They'll say stay away from you.

Jesus said for old times sake, please, for Christ sake. OK, so you come to the back of the station tonight, not the front, the back. Come in the alley at 9:00. I'll come on the fire escape. If you're there, I'll see what I can do. So I was at 3830, a rain came out. He said you make me sick, stay away from here. You threw a $5.00 bill,

floated down to a mud puddle and I crawled out, got it that way. I really smarted outsmarted him

and the next night I went to sleep in an all night theater on schedule. And if any of you have been on all night theaters on Skid Row, but they they don't run all night. For one thing, they run till 5:00 in the morning and they only cost about two bits because they're designed for people, bums to go in and sleep all night. At 5:00 in the morning they rush you out and mop it down and open it up again. Remember that morning, OK, all your bumps out.

Where do we have outside in the rain?

My God, what am I going to do? I'm going to die. What am I going to do? Some guy said you want to sell a pint of blood for four bucks. I said Christ, yes. So he took us up, took him about eight blocks and through a blood bank. There's a group of men out in front who turned out. I found it later. They were there every morning, different guys, but they're also sick.

Oh God, just a crowd of people going to just and from the distance, like they're dancing. Used to call it the dancehall. All these poor old guys. We stood in line, they let me in. They fighting guys

said took a drop of running man. So you don't have enough iron in your blood to sell a pint of blood, kid, I said, Jesus, you got to help me. I'm I'm sick sounding about four blocks or something called the midnight mission. Go down there maybe and get some breakfast

where I went went to the midnight Michelle. Oh God, I'm glad to be out of the rain. I'd like some breakfast please. Guys, you just missed it. We just got done serving. I said, well, find me one more, one more much which I'm I'm so sick. I don't think gone much brother, He said, I told you we were done serving combined lunch. We'll give you some deed. I said a grandmother. I said I need something now.

Guys came over on each side and unpeeled my hand and threw me out the front door and says don't come back you son of a bitch.

I tried to explain to mine that a son of a bitch three years ago was on the faculty of the University of Texas. Adds that I wrote these LG number ads were running that very week in life and time and New Yorkers serving post Vanity Fair. I've had my picture in the New York Times for one of my achievements,

but it's really hard to explain these things in midair.

I started outside of that mission on a cold, rainy morning, and I had a terrible feeling. I didn't know what the feeling was. I know what it is now. I've seen happen to others. You get the sudden knowledge. There's no friendly direction. It's all foreign. Nobody cares anymore, nobody much of your crap.

And if someone got a company that morning said, you know, Slim, you're dying. You're down to 120 some pounds. You lost your wife and children, never see them again. You've lost your career. They used to call you a boy genius. You can't even get a job washing dishes. Look at you, you're a mess. You've lost all your money, all your clothes. Isn't that damn car in Phoenix that you lost your little mother up in? Wisconsin's no longer allowed to accept phone calls from you because your stepfather's so tired of watching you play on your emotions. Or so she'll go down into her

little tiny bank account to get a few more dollars and send it to her little boy. You'd rather have her think you're dead than the way you are. And he might have said you've been mucking around a A now for 10 years. And you sit in these meetings everywhere, all over the country, laughing to yourself and laughing at their little steps, their little traditions and their little slogans and their little birthdays. And I think jeez I wish I was born dumb like you idiots

and now you're dying. You could have said why. Should go back to a one more time and at least admit you're an alcoholic, see what happens.

And if someone had said that to me, and if I'm in the mood to be honest, I'd have to say, pal,

you don't understand. I'm not an alcoholic by this time. I wish I were. I wish I were an alcoholic. I'd do anything to be that simple. I wish my mind didn't tell me to point out what nonsense this is. I wish my mind didn't point out that there's something wrong inside of me,

but nobody come came up to me that morning. I just stood there and I said, why is the a club pal? I got to get out of the rain. So there's nothing downtown, he says. One at Wilshire and Fairfax. Where in the Hell's that? So we have to go up this hill to Hill Street, go to Wilshire and walk W to come to Fairfax. I remember walking and walking and walking and walking and

trying to be 7 1/2 miles. Although I didn't know it. I got to this demo club. Same old crap. Some guy inside the door.

Welcome home, son.

Oh Jesus Christ.

When I lurked around that club for a couple days and went to their silly meetings, who they were serving cake and had a terrible time. Had no idea that'd be my sobriety date. Had no idea I had no desire to stop drinking. Tonight when they read the traditions, tradition three said the only requirement for members would desire to stop drinking. I don't desire subject. You know what happens to me when I stop drinking? I go to the insane, the salaries of suicide. That's what happens to me.

And so the hardest thing. I

are so close to dying

and here it is now. I've been sober ever since then. In fact, next week

will be my 52nd anniversary of coming to Los Angeles. I'm And so September was a big month for me

and I

don't therapy. I've had his Alcoholics Anonymous since 1958. That's a long time ago.

And you wonder how could that be? I'll tell you. Let me put it basically what it is quickly, then I'll tell you why. Because a man got a hold of me who eventually got me to listen to him because I had some respect for him. But over period of time, I learned that everything I knew about a A was false. Alcoholics are not people who's got an alcohol problem. You don't come to A feel better by admitting you're an alcoholic.

You never return to God if you don't want to. You don't show your gratitude by helping others. Every one of those tenants, they sound right and they're almost right,

but they're false and I didn't come to learn to disbelieve them. First of all,

what do you mean an alcoholic? Is that a person whose problem is alcohol? My sponsor was very brutal with me about that. We saw a guy at a meeting that said that he didn't work the steps because he stopped drinking. That was enough for him. He went over to him and offered to keep him out of a you shouldn't be an A people like you. On the way home, I said, why did you why did you give that guy hell? Bob? Because he said as proud of his alcohol. I said, Bob,

I don't want to break it into you, but that's what a A is for people with alcohol problems. Nah, people with alcohol problems shouldn't be an A A

I was questionably be about because they should be wherever they want to be. I'll tell you what they do. They stop drinking, they clean up their act and when they're offered to drink, say no thank you.

I that's silly Bob. I've tried that 100 times over the last 10 years. He said maybe get up to your problem is an alcohol. I said what do you think my problem is? Bob said if something sounds like alcohol and it fools a lot of people, young and old, something called alcoholism.

Oh Jesus Bob, don't play word games with me, I look terrible. I'm smarter than you believe. Alcohol, Alcoholism, hurray, I'm cured, I'm cured, shut up. He explained and he gave me about a three hour harangue, most of which I was able to blot out before I went insane. But somewhere in the middle of it I heard something in looking back subconsciously begin to change my life, although I never knew it then and didn't know it for a while, he said. Alcoholic people

stop drinking and they quit and they take care of themselves in this strange thing called alcoholism, which unfortunately for you and me, looks almost exactly the same to the naked eye and our mind sometimes tells us it's the same. But it isn't this mind consuming, perception distorting, bodily eroding thing called alcoholism. You'll discover that stopping drinking and cleaning up your ACT has no significant long term effect on your life

other than to make it gradually so uncomfortable you can't stand it.

I said, Jesus Bob, I never heard anybody say that before. They said didn't drink them. They said stop and drink was the answer. Nah, stop and drink. Not at all. Stop and bring us the doorway. If all you do is stop drinking, you're always guaranteed you're going to drink again.

I said, mom, one thing I don't understand, why do these Alcoholics because I explained to them I was an alcoholic, why do these Alcoholics drink all the time? If it was doing such terrible things to them and they just killed them, why would they drink? He said kid Alcoholics don't drink alcohol because it's doing terrible things to them. You don't seem to know her very much. He said. Now you say you've been around a 10 years. You know that Alcoholics are people getting unnatural reaction to alcohol.

Yes I do, Bob. It's just a phenomenal craving.

Then they drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, and they go goofy. And now that's podium talk.

Had a cup of coffee in his hand. This would Johnny Walker kid. And I took a big drink.

The effect would be almost instantly alter my perception of reality. The world is a softer, a little nicer place.

Hmm, another big drinker too. Just begins to change my relationships to the world around me. Hi there,

I have a couple more drinks that inside of me I get taller and stronger and they get smaller and less afraid, less threatening to me. And I'm tough and I'm slick. I'm great.

Unfortunately, I don't stop there, but that's what alcohol does, he said. Alcohol has got to do something special for you that it doesn't do for other people. I said just do that for other people, he said. Nah, less than 10% of people who drink alcohol will ever get that effect. But if you get that effect, you're lucky and it's going to kill you.

I said my God,

I I said Jesus Bob, you say change your perception of reality and makes you get along with better with people and and you're strong and tough. What's wrong with that? He said because it is not really happening, you asshole.

Well, no way to talk to a newcomer, I'll tell you that.

I said, OK, I understand that. But now last night to me, there's a girl who'd been sober and she got up and said she'd got drunk again. Why would she get drunk again? That's the other part of the disease, kid. And he had a theory that I thought was stupid, but I heard a tape of it years later, and I thought right on. When people are born and raised, you grow up. It's not easy growing up in the world emotionally. I mean, some people grow up emotionally for 50 years.

People you're not. People don't interest what you got to say really, because you don't fit in really and you don't feel uncomfortable a lot. And every time you fall in love, you know they're going to have your heart broken. Just one thing after another.

Ask yourself problems you don't really know how to solve and deal with obsessions you don't can't deal with.

And worst of all, you don't even know the goal, where you're going. It turns out the goal, although we don't know it, is emotional maturity. And if you go through enough a grubby things, apparently you can become emotionally mature. But Alcoholics almost never become emotionally mature. Why do you think that is?

Because they have a difficult problem they have to learn something from,

they can drink it away.