La Hacienda reunion in Hunt, TX

Everybody, my name is Tom Pick and I am a recovered alcoholic.

I think I can legally tell my sponsor that I wore a jacket

It it is hot up here.

First of all, I'd like to thank Joe and Rich and Lisa and my dear friend Charlie Parker and and anybody else who had anything to do with with getting me here. I am. I am so grateful to be here. I'm, I'm really excited to to be to be speaking at La Hacienda. I, I was a patient here five years ago. I was here in

April and May of 05. My sobriety date is in June of O5 S.

You guys kind of do the math there. Umm, I didn't do a couple things I was supposed to do when I first got out, but I,

I got straightened out pretty quick.

I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous in 1987. I was, I was 23 years old. I was at the, at the, at the tail end of just the, the biggest losing streak you can imagine. I mean, nothing was working. And I, I tried for, I, I, I wanted to quit drinking for, for like, I think it was like 2 years before that. And, and I couldn't, I, I just, I, I, I tried,

tried pills, I tried lots of pills.

I tried, I tried, I went like four days without alcohol one time on my own. And it was, it was just, it was just tough. And I was, I was living in Austin, TX and I don't know about anybody else, but I don't think you can get sober in Austin, TX.

I think you can return to Austin, TX over not so sure about getting sober there. I, you know, I, I had worked in, in, in some of the hospitals there, Shoal Creek, CPC and, and in places like that. And so it was just too weird to, to check into a place where

all my friends work. So I just, I just didn't do it. I had to go to Chicago to go to this treatment center where, where I grew up. And you know, I went up there, I did 2930 days. I got out of my, my 23rd birthday. I flew back to Austin and and I had a had a set of instructions, you know, go to go to 90 meetings and 90 days, get a sponsor, get people's phone numbers, make friends, make coffee,

pick up chairs, get involved. I mean, all, all the, all the stuff that, that

you might expect someone would be told they're the first few days in sobriety. And, and so I went to a meeting my first full day out and I loved it. I loved it. You know, it was in Austin and the people were just, they were wonderful. They were friendly. You know, a lot of them gave me their phone number, told me to call them if I needed anything. If I felt like drinking, I could call them. They told me to keep coming back.

I went back the next day, saw the same people. They were acting the same way.

You know, the meetings I were going to were pretty much a discussion format. And I'm telling you, man, the first couple years of of, of, of these meetings were, were pretty interesting. I mean, people were saying some, some pretty, pretty wild stuff and I could, I could compare myself to other people and, and, and come out looking pretty good. I

still can.

I'd gotten a sponsor and the emphasis that that that was placed on on, on what I was to do was, was, was to attend a lot of meetings. If I keep myself busy, keep myself off the streets, keep myself in meetings, I wouldn't get drunk. I had, I had a close friend tell me that he had never seen anybody got drunk get drunk that had said the third step prayer that day. So I started saying the third step prayer to that from that day forward, I did

day for for a long, long time. And so that was kind of, that was kind of the program I was working at 10 meetings, say the third step prayer and hope for the best.

I'd gotten a sponsor. We did some kind of some kind of version of the steps. You know, I think it involved a lot of, a lot of guides and pamphlets and stuff that he made-up and stuff that his sponsor might have made-up. And, you know, and I'm, I, I mean, I, this, this guy meant the, the very, very best for me. I mean, he, he loved me. He wanted me sober. He wanted to help me and,

and he did what was done with him, which is, which is kind of like what we, you know, what we tell each other we're supposed to do. And, and so, but, but the results I was getting weren't, weren't very, weren't very good. And you know, I'll, I'll tell you about step two in a few minutes. But you know, I, I was, I was trying to do the steps and I'd done a four step and it was like, I know 50 or 60 pages and, and it was just, it was just,

it was just crazy and, and, and and I wasn't getting anything out of it.

And so I, you know, I continue to attend meetings and the years started to fall by and, and you know, all the, all the people were staying sober 345 ten years where it, it seemed like they were spending a lot of time working on themselves. And so I, I tried working on myself. And

I mean, if I could work on myself, I, I wouldn't need Alcoholics Anonymous. And, and so I was, I was working on myself and, and nothing's happening. And I'm getting worse and I'm getting, I'm, I'm starting to,

to just kind of fall apart in Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm dying in the rooms of AA. I'm I'm, I'm miserable, I'm depressed, I'm angry.

My wife could get up and tell this part of the story a little more honestly than I could, but it was, it was just, it was just, it was just tough. And I remember I had, I think I had about 15 years sober and I was, I was in a, in a meeting. It was a discussion meeting. I don't know what the topic was, doesn't really matter, but but we're sitting in a circle in the in the chairperson was just kind of calling on people

and you guys that have, you know, a bunch of years of sobriety, you know you're going to get called on. You can't hide in those meetings. They're going to call on you because they think you've got something to say.

And, and, and I didn't, and I wasn't, I hadn't prepared my act in case I was called on. So, you know, and I got called on. And so like, well, maybe I'll just tell the truth. And I said my name. I'm an alcoholic. And I said, you know, I don't, I don't want to freak anybody out or scare any new people, But you know, I've been sober 15 years and I, I, I feel like I'm on this path where I'm going to drink again.

And, and I don't, I don't think it's going to be today. I don't think it's going to be tomorrow.

I don't think it's going to be this week. I don't think it's going to be this month and it might not even be this year. But I'm on this track and I, I can't derail it. I don't know what to do. And, and they all came up after the meeting and told me they loved me and, and told me they were glad that I shared, you know, where I was at and, and you know, it, it helped them And they, they gave me some advice. They, you know, suggested that maybe I start showing up to the meetings on time because it at this point I'd already learned to show up 10 minutes late so I wouldn't have to listen

to how it works for the 10 thousandth time.

And then I don't know about where you guys go to meetings. We have this little thing at the end of the meetings called Burning Desire.

So I would leave 10 minutes early

because I couldn't, I couldn't take that anymore. And so I was getting about 40 minutes of meeting time coming late, leaving early. So they're telling me, well, come on time, set up coffee, get involved, stay late, pick up chairs, help out, double up on your meetings. And at this point, I'm, I'm going about three or four meetings a week. See, I'm, I've, I've gotten it drilled into my head that that if I quit going to meetings, I'm going to get drunk. And, and everybody that I ever saw get drunk with any, any length of time hadn't had quit going to

meetings. First I thought, well, it's no matter what, I'll just never quit going to meetings. And so I'm still going to three or four a week. And it's, and it's, and it's tough and it's, I just, I don't like the meetings. And so when I heard that, you know, double up in your meetings, I'm thinking, you know, if that's the answer to this problem, I'm just, I'm dead. I'm just, I'm just going to die because I can't do any more than I'm doing. I, I'm maxed out

and I left there pretty scared that day and, and, and pretty rattled and, and I got over it

and, umm, couple years later, I had 17 years sober and,

and in the thought of drinking came into my head and I started remembering all the stuff that I was told to do if that ever were to happen, you know, think through the drink, think, think through its logical conclusion. And if I think about all the trouble I'll get into, then, then I can scare myself into not drinking and, and, and, and stay sober. I can, I can make a decision not to drink. And so I started thinking about all, of all the stuff that happened during the, the mid 80s when, when things really hit the fan. And I thought about all, you know, the,

and all that other stuff. And, and then I start thinking about all the stuff that I had to lose at that point in time if I were to drink My, my, my business, my wife, my kid, my family, all my friends in a, a, my sobriety date, which was sometimes the only thing I had to cling to. I just, I had a whole bunch of stuff to lose. And, and, and the choice was really, you know, pretty obvious. Don't drink

and I'll bet you within an hour I was drinking.

Umm,

so I'm a little freaked out because I'm unlike or how come that stuff didn't work? How come thinking through the drink didn't work? And, and, and the truth is, is, is that I chose not to drink and I drank anyway. And, and I'm, it's like, why would a guy was 17 years sober, still going to three or four meetings a week, talks to people in a, a everyday married an A, a girl works with a few guys in the office who are in a, a, I mean, it's just a, a, a, a, a

why? Why would a guy like that drink? And and I I couldn't figure it out.

I really couldn't. I tried to get sober again. I tried going back to my sponsor and in my Home group

and I couldn't get sober. I mean, the best directions I got were, you know, go to a couple meetings a day and don't drink no matter what. I, I didn't have the ability to, to don't drink no matter what anymore. Maybe I had that when I was a kid. I, I really, I think I lost that when I was like 12.

Are you serious? I, I, you know, because of my alcoholism, I, I spent a total of, of 36 months and well, back in the 70s and 80s, remember when we were bad kids, they'd send us all to these boarding schools,

but you'd look in the, you'd walk down in the administration building of these schools and you'd see signs that says this is a, you know, an accredited hospital. Those, those are the boarding schools that I, I went to and

in between the the age of 14 and, and 18, I'd spent 36 months in these places misdiagnosed. You know, he's got depression. He, you know, his, his life is so bad because, you know, because, because my mom's an alcoholic or they thought I was messed up because I, I skipped second grade and that was very traumatic for me. Or,

or maybe because my, you know, because my dad put me on the toilet seat backwards. I mean, you know, God only knows, you know, why, why Tom pick is so screwed up? But but I was and and and you talk about

spiritual sickness and, and, and being a dry drunk, you know, 1618 months in these places was, was just the most miserable experience I've ever had in my life. You know, the, the, the counselors would, would tell my dad. Well, you know, Mr. Pick, he's,

you know, he's pretty well behaved. We don't have much of A management problem from him, but he's just not getting better like the other kids, you know, and I'd have to sit around and talk in Group and do all this stuff and, and, and, and the truth was, is that I just wanted a drink. I mean, I, I thought about it a lot and I was just, I was restless, irritable and discontented. I just didn't understand that that was the problem. And, and so I've, I've had, I've had, you know, the best therapy, the best psychiatrist, the best hospitals

that money can buy. And here I was 23 years old. It's just a, just a broken cookie.

And, and you know, and I, and I carried that with me through this, that period of sobriety for, for 17 years. I spent 17 years looking for the acceptance button. I mean, that's, that was supposed to be the, the answer to all my problems. And I, I couldn't find it. I couldn't, I couldn't figure out how to acceptance. I, I just, I couldn't, I couldn't get a handle on it. I'm, I'm not accepting anything. I'm, I'm fighting everything and, and, and I'm so worn out after 15 years of, of not drinking and, and and fighting that I'm, I'm just,

I'm ready to just explode.

So I tried to get sober,

didn't work. I'm not going to go into all the details, but I ended up here at La Hacienda and there's places, it's very, very special in my heart. This is where I learned about the big book. OK, I learned of the big book 20 years ago, but I learned about it here and I was, I wasn't in good shape when I when I got here. I stayed up in that

ICU or SCU for like 8 days and scrubs.

And it's not because they were afraid I was going to run away. It's just that that's all that could get on me.

And, and then I, I remember I was maybe here 345 days and they, they put me in a golf cart and drove me up to the, the bodega and, and they sit me down in one of the soft chairs and, and there's this guy walks up to me this, this Chris. And you know, he, he walks up and introduces himself to me. Everybody's just kind of getting coffee and getting settled And he's like, you know, hey, my name's, my name is Chris Raymer. And I, I do a little little big book talk here

and you don't like you look like you're doing so well. If you know, if you fall asleep, that's fine. I'm used to it. You know, just just don't worry about it. If you want some coffee while I'm talking, just get up and go get some. If, if you got to go back to your bed, let me know. I'll call them to come up and get you in. And, and, and I'm thinking, man, what a, what a, a, a nice, gentle,

demure

guy.

And then, and then he gets up and he starts talking and he's, and he's reading out of the big book. And I, I know this because he told me he's reading out of the big book

and, and he's talking about step one and, and, and, and some, some questions are starting to get answered, you know, like the big question, why did the guy was 17 years? Why wasn't he able to think through the drink? And, and, and you couldn't tell by looking at me that, that this stuff is soaking in because I'm, my eyes are closed, but I'm, I'm listening and, and, and I'm just thinking, man, when, when my eyes start to work again, I've got to get a big, I've got to see where this stuff is,

because I just, I didn't have experience looking at the big book. I when I was in treatment in 87, I read some of the stories because I was bored to death.

And that was it. Once in a while, we might go to have a big book study at the old Home group and, you know, someone to read a paragraph and then share about their day, you know, Well, you know, I, I love this Bill story. I, you know, my brother-in-law was a stockbroker and he gave me a stock tip and that, you know, it's just any, any, anything you can think of to identify with the big book, right? You know, Bill, Bill Wilson was a stockbroker, OK.

And so, you know, those were, those were the big book studies. I didn't, I didn't know what the book meant. I'd I'd never had it explained to me.

And so I'm hearing stuff and things are changing my head. I came in here thinking

that I'm just going to do 30 days. I'm going to go home and die. I didn't think I was going to get sober. I really didn't. I thought I could probably tough it out here for a month and then I'd go home and, and last about two or three days and then just just off to the races. I, I really didn't think I was going to make it.

So I, I, I got a lot of, lot of education here. You know, I've benefited from, from his experience and knowledge. I've benefited from from from the counselors who talk about the big book to to the housekeepers that talk about the big Book, to the people working in the store that talk about the big book.

And if someone leaves La Hacienda not knowing what to do, they just, they just didn't pay attention because it's all over the place here.

And I knew exactly what I needed to do. And when I left, I got a sponsor. I started going to the primary purpose group up in Dallas and I got a sponsor that first night. And I had a lot of ideas about, about what it meant to, to, to work the steps that that kind of had to get smashed a little bit.

We after the meeting that night, I asked him to be my sponsor and, and, and he took me into this, this little room in the church where we meet and, and, and he took me through steps 1-2 and three. And I didn't take that long to,

to take me through it because I, you know, I paid pretty good attention when I was here. And we did a third step prayer.

And then he, he told me I had to do my four step and he gave me a few days to do it. And I, I didn't think I could do it. I mean, my, my experience was I don't do four steps

except once. And, and that was enough. But it, but he, but he taught me that, you know, the, the template out of the big book, how to do this thing. And so I decided, well, you know, to heck with it. I'm, I'm going to give this a try. I'm going to, I'm going to really try this thing and see what happens. And, and so an hour and a half later, I had my four step done.

You know, you see, if you follow the directions in the big book, it just doesn't take that long. But a lot of people want to say, well, you know, you're Russian people and all this stuff. And it's like, if you just follow the directions and, and don't, don't add anything to it, it doesn't take that long. So we, we did this fist up and he, he didn't let me hold my four step while we were talking. He, he held it. She was afraid that I would sit there and, and, and read it and dive back into myself and, and, and what he wanted to do is control the pace,

which which I recommend doing when you're listening to fist steps and

'cause I, I can't, you know, I can't do 5 hour fist UPS with people. I'm good for like an hour. And then I'm just, I'm just, you know, thinking about butterflies and dandelions and stuff.

So we, we got through this fist up and he sent me home to, to do six and seven. I know people and I, I remember people that are, that are stuck on 6 and seven, like, Oh my God, Step 6 takes like 7 seconds.

You know, I got through, you know, six and seven had made an, a step list. I was still pretty young, so the list wasn't that long and I was also pretty nice. But, but you know, what does it take 20 minutes to make a list of all persons we've harmed 30 minutes including the creditors. You know, it's

75 minutes including the creditors. I don't know. And if you had the girlfriends, it can add a little time too.

But I started making amends and I'm about 7 or 8 days into the step work with, with the sponsor of mine and I start making amends and, and he, he tells me and, and no uncertain terms that I'm going to have to start working with people. And I was like, Buddy, I don't, I don't think you understand.

My hands are still shaking. I mean, I'm still, I'm not, right? He says, Buddy, you agree that you're going to do everything that this book says. And that's what this book says.

And so I think about a week later, I had my first guy to work with. I was sober three weeks when I, when I took him on and, and, and I caught the bug and, and, and now there's people in under this tent that know exactly what I'm talking about. There's there's nothing that feels better than than than than taking somebody who's just busted up hope to die.

What everybody looking at

now, I know

there's nothing that feels nothing that feels better than than than watching someone get from point A to point B in a matter of days, getting, getting connected to God, experiencing that experience that I've just felt and, and and it makes you want more. See, I used to think my job in, in that prior period of a A was, was not to work with the new guys. OK, that was, that was for the single guys and the old guys.

OK, because I'm, I'm young, I'm busy and I can't take phone calls at 2:00 in the morning. So my job was to sponsor the guys that had 10 or 15 years who sponsors had either died or gone back out. So I, I, I kind of worked with the orphans and, and they're, they're, they're very low maintenance. You know, they don't get into a lot of trouble anymore. And, and, you know, just every once in a while I got a, you know, play life coach and, and give advice.

And and so that was, that was how I convinced myself that I was, I was doing the program

was by doing that stuff. And so I had the truth was, is that I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I mean, I was, I was like one of the biggest phonies. Anybody could possibly be an alcoholic synonymous. I would, I would walk into these meetings thinking that that just by sitting in the chair, I'm doing 12 step work just just so that the new person can see someone sober sitting in the room

is, is like carrying the message. And that's all I had to do.

And, and we all know that the truth about that it, it, it didn't work very well,

but I had fooled myself into thinking that I'm doing OK. And, you know, and I don't know about how you women are, but, but, but the man, we kind of had this, this, this unwritten, unspoken agreement. You know, you don't confront me on my stuff. I won't confront you on your stuff. And, and everything will be fine. And so we, we, we honored that. I mean, we, we, we guarded that. We even had men's meetings about it. It was. It was pretty,

pretty, pretty sick stuff.

But I started working with these guys and I started going to the Salvation Army and, and, and it was an opportunity to get in front of about 50 or 60 guys, all of whom were transitioning from prison and had to do 90 days of the Salvation Army. And, and they all have to have a sponsor. OK. So a lot of them are running up to get their little sponsor sheet signed. And, and, and what it was for me was, it was, it was an opportunity to, to do step work with a, with a bunch of guys. You know, I was, I was doing step work with, I don't know, 6810

a month. We had, we had nights after the meetings where I was, I was on the on the tile floor at the Sally doing, you know, third steps with, with three guys at the same time. You know, I've done a couple of fish steps with, with two guys that were roommates and they agreed to do it together because they're, they're just wasn't time to do it, do it any other time with, with their schedule. And, but, but what happened was, is, is I started to, to understand this, this, this fellowship that people were talking about. See, to me, Fellowship was going out to Denny's

and talking about the people that didn't come with us to Denny's.

That to me that was, that was the, a, a fellowship. And it was, it was the picnics and the volleyball and, and all that stuff. I had no clue that it, it had everything to do with, with us having this common solution and going out and, and practicing it with each other and, and carrying this, this, this solid message out of the big book. And, and we would drive home from these things just just high as a kite. I mean feeling fantastic

because we we, we felt like we had actually kept our part of the deal that we made with God in in step three. And if you ever look at the words of the third step prayer,

there's a lot to that. There's we're making a huge deal with God that if you know, you take away my difficulties, I'll do this and this and this and this. And, and So what I felt like I was doing is I was keeping my part of the bargain and, and I, and I finally felt like I was, I was

a member of AA in good standing. I never, I never felt like I was a member in good standing. I felt like I was, I was a member because I said I was, I felt like I was, I was auditing instead of, instead of working it. I, I wasn't there for the grade. I was just there to attend and listen and, and maybe, you know, say a few funny things to make people like me. But that was, that was my experience with, with that fellowship. And, and what I found was was a completely different fellowship,

something that I never imagined possible.

I,

I always wondered why I was an alcoholic. I was, you know, if, if, if I can just get to the bottom of this, I can fix it and I'll be OK. And I've, I've watched people just just March to their graves trying to figure out what's wrong and, and trying to fix it. You know what, what was it? Was it my past? Was it my present? Was it, you know, what was it? And, and, and when I started taking these steps, I, I, I learned that that the problem is, is, is this, this

spiritual sickness? See, I was, I was sitting around a, a trying to have, having intellectual awakening as the result of meeting attendance.

And I got, I got about as smart as I could possibly get.

And you know, having attended literally at least 5000 meetings, I mean, I wasn't going to be anymore intellectually awake, but I was, I was missing out on on the real solution. See, I, I thought that my problem was emotional. I thought it was psychological for, for a while there, I thought it was psychiatric, which means you get to take medicine. And

I, I, I really thought if I, if I treat this stuff, then then I'll be OK. And in what I found out that that my problem isn't, isn't emotional or psychiatric or psychological or, or anything. It's, it's, it's spiritual in nature

and the places I was looking for a solution weren't working because it wasn't the spiritual solution. You can't, you can't fix a spiritual problem with, with a, with a human solution. It, it just can't be done. You have to have a spiritual solution. You know, I, I came in, you know, thinking and, and based on what I'd heard in, in meetings that that these steps were designed to, you know, turn me into good boy, teach me how to kiss and make up with others, teach me how to play well with others and, and all this other stuff.

And, and so the, the motivation to take the steps wasn't there because I was of the opinion

that I was playing well with others and that I had kissed and made-up and that I was behaving myself. And so the, the, the motivation to, to do the step work, just, it just didn't exist. I was, I was sober and in the bad stuff quit happening, which is what I believe the unmanageability was. I thought it was all the trouble I got into. And so when, when I got sober and I went home from that hospital in Chicago, I had 30 days or, or whatever, and I wasn't drinking. There's no bad stuff happening. The bank account is starting to fill up a little bit

and I'm thinking, you know, this is what I came for. The problems been solved. And come to find out that I just, I completely missed the point. I didn't understand what step one meant. And I'm not, I'm not going to read the big book to you guys. I'm not. I think everybody understands, you know, pretty clear that when we say we're powerless, we're talking about two things, powerlessness over choice and control. You know, that day that I got drunk, I didn't know that I was powerless over choice. I did not know it. I, I really didn't know it.

And I had taught other people that, that they were, they had power of a choice that day that when I needed to choose not to drink and it didn't work. It would have really helped if I had understood that I've, I've got to have a power grade of myself because my own power ain't doing it. And, and I learned that, that the, the 12 steps aren't about teaching me how to be a good boy. What they are about is, is identifying all the stuff that's blocking me from that power that I have to have.

OK, I gotta, I gotta connect, get connected to this power that's great on myself

so I can overcome this lack of power over alcohol.

Umm, and I used to try to get power from, from the meetings. And if you step back and, and you look at it logically, you know, think about if, if I'm in a room full of, full of people who are all powerless, where's the power? How do, how do I get it from a room full of powerless people? I mean, if, if he doesn't have any power and she doesn't have any power, she doesn't have any. And you know, if you take all the power in the room and add it up, it adds up to 0.

But that's, that's where I was looking. I was looking for that,

you know, for that perfect meeting where the right combination of people would say the right combination of things and I'd walk out and feel great and, and, you know, and it could even last like overnight into the next day, you know, and, and then maybe I can make it to another meeting and get that same feeling. And so I'm just kind of playing hopscotch.

We've got to look at me now.

I could just kind of, you know, play hopscotch, trying to find the right meetings to try to feel good. And it wasn't working. And it wasn't until I, I started taking these steps and, and getting rid of all this stuff that's blocking me from God. The, the resentment, the fear, the, the arrogance, which is almost gone, the, the, the dishonesty. I mean, you guys get the deal. All that stuff was blocking me from God And, and it's got to get removed. And of course, that comes from, from taking

steps. I didn't understand step nine. I, I thought step nine was all about, you know, apologizing and just kind of, you know, calming people down.

I didn't understand that that step 9 is, is, is the first time within the confines of the step work that, that we start to be of service to others, where we, we take these people who have been harmed and we restore them to the condition that we found them in. We're, we're, we're being of service here. We're, we're, we're fixing these people. It's our, it's our first

selfless act in the step work to go out and fix these people.

You know, it's when you look at your eight step list and it's pretty daunting. You know, you look, especially when you look at the creditors and all the money you owe. And I think I can't make all these amends. And, and, and in fact, if, if, if I just get to step 9 and, and I don't move on to 10:11 and 12:00, I probably can't make all those amends. A lot of the power that I got to make these amends came from what I did in, in 1011 and 12. And you know, a lot of people don't understand that you don't have to,

you know, finished step 9 before you before you get into 10/11/12 and the big books, you know, I mean crystal clear on that. It's on page 84. You can go look it up,

but but basically we're supposed to do 10/11/12 while we're cleaning up the mess. Some of Mens can never be made OK or you know, it'll take years and years to make them. So to so to wait till you finish nine to do 1011 and 12 can can maybe kill you. And I, I certainly didn't want to be a part of that. So I started, I started on the immense process pretty quick.

We, we had a guy at my old Home group who,

I'm not going to say his name, you'll understand why in a minute, who habitually came in and, and, and talked about himself and he and he talked about his, his problems and he, and we spent like four months on his cat dying. And we spent like a year and a half on, on, on his, his father issues and, and all sorts of stuff. And, and I, I didn't really know what a a was,

but I, I had an idea what it wasn't. And, and, and we were all gossiping about this guy and just

throwing them under the bus. And I went to a sponsor one time and I said, I said, John, you know, so and so's, you know, really like taking up a lot of time and meetings, talking about the stuff. And the guys are starting to talk and, and you know, he's, he's losing respect. And, and I said, you know, can you do something about it? He says, well, what would you like me to do? So maybe maybe ask him to just kind of keep it between you and him.

And he said, well, I'm I'm the one that told him to to do that.

I was like, Oh my God, there's nowhere to go from here.

And not to knock that guy, but, but a lot of us were taught that stuff, you know, bring your problems to a meeting, you know, bring your, bring your butt to a meeting, even if it falls off, we'll screw it back on and all that other stuff. And, and the truth is, is we are not there to fix each other. We can't fix each other. This, this guy was, was looking to us to, to get relief and, and, and we couldn't give it to him. OK,

you know, step 10, when when my sponsor and I were going over that stuff and we were looking on page 84 and we're reading it.

You know, I will read you a little big book here.

We got to this part that says

continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear, which is all the stuff we saw in the fourth column of the inventory.

When these crop up, the first thing we do is we ask God it wants to remove them.

The second thing we do is we discuss them with someone immediately, and that means like between zero and five minutes. Call your sponsor,

make amends quickly. If we have harmed anyone, then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. And those are the instructions for when when life kicks in the butt. And, and, and I, my sponsor told me that that's what I need to start doing. I was like, buddy,

are you telling me you want me to call you every time I get dishonest or resentful or selfish or afraid? He's like, yeah, I said, do you have any idea what you're in for?

Says, well, I just listened to your fist stuff. I know exactly what I'm in for, but you got to do it. You agreed to do everything I said. OK, I'll, I'll show him.

And so I tried it. I tried it, you know, some lady cut me off on Central Expressway and

and I almost gave her the finger and I was really mad and I called my sponsor. I'm thinking this is way too stupid for step 10, but I did it anyway. I called him and I told him he he's like, he didn't say what what happened. He said, what did you do? Like, what do you mean? What did I do?

It's what, it's what someone did to me. So I was like, OK, well, you know, I, I honked my horn so she'd look at me and make eye contact. Then I, I went like that

and that gave him an opportunity to tell me how selfish and self-centered I am and how that stuff's going to block me from God. He asked me if I had asked God to remove it and I said no. He said, we'll ask God to remove it and then go, go help somebody. He said, you know, go, go help anybody. If there's a drunk around, go help him. If, if you're at the office and there's no drunks, go to the person with the, with the worst job in the office and help him lick envelopes or something. Just get out of yourself and, and do something for somebody, which is, which is our job, which is what we're supposed to be doing anyway.

And so I did it and it worked. And then it happened again and I did the 10th step again and it worked. And, and what started happening was, is I started doing it and I kept praying and meditating and I kept working with people. And in those ten step calls started to become fewer and fewer and further between. And, and it's kind of funny. I, I sponsor a lot of guys. I've done a lot of step work with a lot of guys. And, and, and some people have to understand what we'll ask. Well, I mean, how can you possibly sponsor all those guys?

It's like it's really easy. I just teach them how to get to God and then I keep reminding them to go back to God.

I don't. I don't have to give any advice. I don't have to tell anybody to do anything. I'm just kind of like a traffic cop between them and God.

And if I'm doing my job, it's real easy because it doesn't take that long to tell someone to, you know,

go make amends and take it to God. It's a piece of cake. And So what happens is these guys do it and I don't get the calls in the middle of the night. A lot of times the calls I get are, you know, I, I just heard this on a four step with the guy and never heard this before. What, what should I tell him? And, and those, those are the kinds of conversations I'm having with guys that I sponsor that that's when, when this thing gets to be really fun, when, when you're helping them help others,

you know, it's, it's, it strikes me as odd

how things have changed in AA over the years. You know, I got here during the, the, the inner child and codependent period. I don't know if any of you guys remember that, but everybody was codependent and they were working on their inner child.

Oh my God, we were such a mess. We were such a mess. And then we got into the bipolar phase and everybody's bipolar and then we got into this phase and, and, and how about we just go back and, and, and look at what the literature says. And let's just rely on this stuff to fix ourselves. Let's just try it. I, I've, I mean, I'm, I'm seeing a part of Alcoholics Anonymous that I've never saw before. I'm seeing, I'm seeing people with, with 15161720 years sober