The fruits of Sponsorhip at the "Kitchen Table AA with gumbo" workshop in Now Orleans, LA

Jay Alcoholic,

what a joy.

I want to thank Lisa for taking the bullet for the group and hosting me this this weekend. I I deeply appreciate that

I and,

and it's just a wonderful, wonderful thing to be here amongst you.

The last section we're calling what Bill

the fruits of sponsorship, the fruits of sponsorship. We're from the land of fruits and nuts, and we bring you greetings. We bring you greetings. People always say, you know, Los Angeles. I say it's a strange place and it was designed for strange people and that's why I live there.

Don't give up.

Don't give up,

they say. Don't quit before the miracle and and don't quit after the miracle.

And my life has been a series of

very, very interesting experiences since I came to you. And I, I, I bought the whole package. As I said, the only thing I think that's remarkable about my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous is that I've never left in 30 years. I've always had a sponsor. I've always, I've always been sponsoring my Home group, the Hermosa Beach Men's tag. I've gone to it every Monday night. I've been in town for 30 years

and believe me, there were times when that thing needed to be gutted and burned to the ground.

One time I actually came to Bill and I said that's it, I've had it,

I'm quitting.

And he said you can't.

So I went to our other friend Jim and I said Jim, that's it, I'm quitting. He said you can't,

so I can't and I just show up. I was speaking to a friend last night and, and one of the things about my kind of thing about a A is that I can't decide whether or not I'm going to go to the meeting. It's Monday night, I'm at the meeting. You know, if there's something else going on that's important, I'll, I'll go and do that. But if it's Monday night, I'm going to be at the meeting. Tuesday night I got a meditation group for men at my house. Wednesday night I'm up at Roxbury at another meeting and Thursday night I'm at the 11th

group with my wife and and each of those meetings is each equally wonderful to me. I love them all fiercely,

but this thing about what are the fruits? Well,

you know, first of all,

let's get back to family a little bit because family is, you know, where we all, you know, my, my father

was a hard drinking, good looking guy who moved fast and, and, and the last thing I was ever going to be was with him

or like him. And,

and when I got sober, the reason I got he, he accused me of being like one of my great aunts. And it was the most horrible thing that anybody had ever said to me. And I was shocked and I ended up getting sober a few weeks later. I mean, it was just wild that all happened. But anyway, my my dad, when I tried to make amends to him when I had about four months sobriety, when I started, he got up and walked out of the restaurant,

just left.

The next time I tried was about a year later and he just got up and walked out of the room.

When I had five years sober, I tried again.

Nope, not having any part of it.

Ten years sober.

Try it again.

Still, he kept drinking and he didn't want to be one of those whiners. All of his guys that he drank with, they all had to come to a A at one time or another. My dad actually the last driving under the influence he got, he told the judge just sent me to jail. I don't want to go to those meetings. And that's with me being sober a long time and another daughter being sober a long time. So

he had a few opinions.

So anyway,

when I was 14 years sober, I went through a big change in my life. My first, my first marriage dissolved and, and it was the way that it dissolved was a wonderful thing. She was sober and had a sponsor and I was sober and had a sponsor and, and we were able to take responsibility for our inability to create the kind of environment for my daughter and for each other that was,

that was loving and supportive.

And,

and I was, I was devastated and I, and I went back. I went back and, you know, went through the book again and this time I did something a little different. I, I actually called all the guys that I was, that, that still were going to a a that I was sponsoring. And I said, let's do a workshop together. Let's all go through this together. And so we all got together and we started going along and,

and I made the mistake of asking build A to run shotgun on it when I was out of town and,

and it did not go well and people weren't doing things correctly. And he felt incumbent upon it to resign with reason and went off and started one of his own. That could be correctly done. And, and

he's done that on a number of occasions with different things that I've been involved with that I've tried to try to bring him along on. But, but, but anyway, the, the,

during that inventory that I wrote and, and this experience was really important to me because I, I found something that I had not found before in sitting there with this group of guys. And we all had different things that were going on in our lives. And by going through this together, I think there were, I think there were eighteen of us that started and there were

14 enough of us that fifteen of us that that finished, but there were only 12 of us that actually did it. The other three is

built correctly observed were just skating along on our spiritual coattails and not really interested in doing the work. And

but anyway,

one of the things that came out of that was number one, having a new experience. Not not so much of thee awareness of the book and all that stuff which I got, but was observing the power of the steps working in all these different guys lives. Because a year and a half later, all of the guys that did the work, their relationships, their jobs

all had changed dramatically for the better.

And I saw the power of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd used to been seeing it one-on-one or maybe two on one, but I'd never seen it across the board work like that. And it was a wonderful, wonderful thing. So, you know, if you're in one of those situations where you can't find somebody new to work with, you know correctly, get a couple of your friends, get some people that you admire and get together. You know, because nobody really knows what it's like to be 10 years sober and Slidell

the difficulties and the problems in it.

Get some common sufferers together

and go through the book and do it and see what happens to the group. It was, it was a remarkable thing Out of that

I, you know, I got to make another run at the old man. And when I thought about it, I sat down and I and I and I and I wrote him a letter.

And I said in the letter, I said, dear Dad,

I have now left my family

and I now have committed every sin

that I ever judged you for.

Please forgive my arrogance.

Please forgive my judgment, Jay.

Send it off,

Few days later I get a call.

Kid got the letter. Thanks. Click.

But it felt different, you know, I mean, he actually responded to it.

About six months later. I'm up at this ranch. He lived 10 hours away on the Oregon border. That's 10 hours of driving really hard. So, you know, normal person be about 14. And we, I'm up visiting him and I was at his home bar, right, 'cause that's where you end up when you're with the old man. You end up at his home bar if you want to talk to him. And so we're we're sitting there while he's having a few drinks with his friends and he gets up to to go to the head and

and the bartender says, hey kid,

you know that letter you sent the old man?

So yeah, he said he keeps it in his wallet.

We still were not close.

Umm, you know, his alcoholism made it so it really wasn't a safe environment for me or for him. You know, it wasn't so much that it was, it wasn't safe for me. I mean, I mean, at any moment I might say something about his drinking. It must have been horrible for him, you know, I mean, come on. But

my grandmother Marie, who's 99, who still lives at home and I have the privilege of, of being her being being the family member that's close to her. She we decided that it was time for her to go and move up to the ranch and live with my father. So we

we drove up there to have the talk with the family. When we got there, we were greeted by my stepmother, Marsha.

And when we got up there, the cirrhosis was so bad that she looked to be nine months pregnant.

And we had no idea.

And I mean, I knew that she was a bad drinker and that she had health problems and all that stuff. And so just so you know, you know, I mean, I was talking about how happy I am to be sober and all this. This is what love looks like with my father and his bride.

They would eat Vicodin and drink sulky dogs together.

This is the environment I come from. So anyway, she's totally serotic and, and So what do I do? Well, obviously my grandmother's not going to move up with that, so we're going to keep her at the house. But the next thing is, is that there's trouble in my family.

And as a sober man, what do I do?

What is it that I've been modeling to these guys? What have it that I've been been talking to people about? And, and, and so I know that I can't change the outcome, but of and by my presence that what I need to do is I need to start showing up. So every other week I start driving 10 hours up, stay the weekend 10 hours back and just doing what I can to be helpful. And,

and about four months later, my stepmother died an alcoholic death. She died of cirrhosis of the liver and, and I was able to be there

and to be of service and to be there with her. And, and while I'm in there doing the best I can to, to, to make sure that she's being attended to, my dad's in the other room drinking hard.

And, you know, when you're throwing the ice cubes at the bottom of the glass, the way that sounds, you know, and that was the soundtrack of what was going on. And he was there as much as he could be. But alcoholism removes us from situations that we desperately want to be in. And, and so she passed and my dad was really a mess. And his friend said to me, well,

what are you gonna do about your dad? Unfortunately, I'd been going to those other meetings and I said I gonna do nothing. You wanna talk to him? Talk to him

and I gave him about four weeks and, and I decided to just stop by, right. So that means I got to drive 10 hours just to come say hi to the old man. And I drive up the driveway and it's 5:00 in the afternoon on a Friday. And I I roll in there and

he's sitting in his chair

in his bathrobe, covered in his own waist.

He wasn't completely out of his head, but he was. He was not of himself.

And what was that? What did I do?

What do you do in that situation? We'll see. I've been on the 12 step list. I've been on the 12 step calls. I know what to do with an alcoholic in that situation. I know how to pick them up. I know how to get them in the shower. I know how to wash them. I know how to treat them with the same respect that we were talking about with Mike, that this is not, this is just a drunk like me. And so I take him and I and I and I and I get him in bed, you know, and I clean the place up and,

and I found a, a place, the VA that would take him and, and all that stuff and help him detox. And I said, dad, you know, we just need to go get you a medically supervised detox. I'm not talking about you haven't go to those silly meetings or nothing. And, and he says, so the next morning

he gets up and he says, well, I've been thinking all night, really.

I've been thinking all night. I'm not going to go

now. He's in really rough shape. All I got to do is hit him with something hard and I didn't throw him in the trunk. It's no big deal. But since I've been going to those other meetings, I jump in the car and I'm, I'm, I, I, I do what you taught me to do. I drive. I get a double espresso,

make a couple phone calls, I call Bill

and and then while I'm driving back to the house, what comes to me is that line from Doctor Bob's nightmare that if you want to quit drinking by yourself, that's entirely your affair.

So I go home, I go to the store for him. I say good to see a pop and I leave.

And I didn't call the I tried calling him for the next week, couldn't get a hold of him.

And then finally a call comes through from him and he goes, I'm about half mad at you. I said, really why? He said I didn't know it would be that tough. And the old man kicked about 7 Vicodins, a quart of vodka, a calf case of beer, a day habit by himself.

And I went, yeah, baby, I said. I said, that's I said, that was really tough, wasn't it? And he goes, yeah, I said, they had it right in the last weekend, didn't they? He said, yeah,

I said, yeah, OK. I said. And So what happened is, is we started to talk about alcoholism, not about recovery and Alcoholics Anonymous. We started just talking about the not drinking thing. And I want to tell you that not drinking

of and by itself, even though many times those of us who are active and involved in Alcoholics Anonymous and know the spiritual way of life, that just not drinking is an amazing blessing. An amazing, amazing blessing. And you know, I told him why it is we don't drink O'doul's and sharps, you know, non alcohol. You guys know why? Why you don't? Why? It's not alcoholic beer, right, 'cause it's not for Alcoholics.

Because it's got alcohol in it

and, and in the big book it says the only therapy that we have for Alcoholics views, allergic types is no alcohol in any form whatsoever. So I told him about that. I told him not a good idea to be drinking Virgin Mary's because sooner or later you just want to get the spicing, right? You got to put a little Smirnoff in there just to make it go down right. And he understood that. So we talked about this stuff and, and my father

never had another drink

for the rest of his life,

which was 364 days.

Umm, he,

my, my sister

was up visiting him and she,

she's active in a so she's getting all kinds of phone calls from Sponsee's and he goes, well, what's goes, what's the sponsor? She sits there and explains to her what a sponsor is and all this stuff. And

my dad looks at her and he says,

well, I guess, I guess Jay is my sponsor.

While she was there, she saw that he was really sick and she said you better get up here. And so I came up and I and,

and he had, he had cancer real bad. And so we took him to the hospital and, you know, they took a look at him and they ran him through all the tests and all that stuff. And,

and they said, well, you know, if we if we take out a lung and we give you a lot of radiation every week, you know, for six months, you'll have a 50% chance of living two years.

And he said, OK,

I said, Dad, did you hear what they said after the doctor left? I said, did you hear what I said? This guy hated doctors, no offense, but but he, he, he and, and he, and he said, he said, And so I explained to him what, what I'd heard. And he goes, that's a really shitty hand. And I said, yeah, pop. He says, well, what do we do?

And I said, well,

I say we fold.

I said let's go home. You know that I've got some skills now from helping Marsha. And I won't leave you. I'll come in, I'll be with you. And,

and so we went home and I, I got to go and work things out with my wife and, and come back and it, and it only took 2 1/2 weeks until he, until he passed. And, and,

and there were a couple of things in the hospital. You know, one was, I was, I was, I was concerned about not hurting him and getting him out of there. And I'm thinking, well, we'll, you know, put a robe on him and all that stuff. And the nurse said, no, no, no, you got it. You got to make sure he gets his boots and his handle. So we get him in, you know, his hat in his boots and get him out, you know, his rancher, and we get him, get him out into the car, you know, and say,

well, pops, would you like a cigarette?

And he goes, you know, I don't mind if I do. And so we stopped and I got him

pack of cigarettes and he took a drag off and he leaned down and he tapped me on the thigh. So I drove him home.

He was a man of few words,

but I knew

and and I got to bring him home and he got to die in his own bed

or in his own home. And and at any time that that happens, it's a victory for for the power Got to do the stuff with Hospice and all that stuff and a wonderful experience. Now you guys have been exposed to me for a little while. You know that I'm really kind of strange and off the spiritual thing and this a a guy and all that stuff. But see, all I do is I show a little willingness and I get drawn further and further and further.

And

on the anniversary of my 25th coming to you on the second day of May

in 2004, a wonderful, wonderful moment of celebration in my heart for my community. That was the day that my father chose to leave this life.

And if you think I was weird, then,

you know, I went completely off the hook after that

because I knew that I had there's far more going on than I have any idea. And I, I had the privilege of having sober of feelings, you know, that having the feeling of my heart breaking open

and staying that way

and being able to accept and enjoy that. That was just,

that's just the experience. That's just the thing of being part of this.

What more? What more could any man ask for? What more could any man ask for?

You know, my,

my relationship with my wife is all based around this stuff. I know that in our literature, there's a pamphlet that said the most, the most important job in Alcoholics Anonymous is the general service representative. I disagree. I think it's the sponsor's wife.

And because you need

somebody that's going to be a double agent that's going to help guys that you're sponsoring to actually get through the experience of dating women and doing all that stuff.

And she is, she is.

And she's been of great help to the men that I work with and and helping to

teach them how to act with dignity and grace with women.

My daughter when she was 13 years old said to me, Dad, it's all about the friends now. She didn't live with me.

And

I remembered coming from the divorced family that I remember that part. And I said, OK, baby. Well, you know, your mom says it's OK. And and so, you know, I've had you every weekend, all weekend long for a number of years now. And and I love it and I'll miss you, but you know, you can just come and be with me when you want. And you know, she never slept another night at my house.

But we've been very close. And

couple years ago I said to her, well, you know, when that experience happened,

I said, did you feel that I was just dropping my fatherly duties?

And she said, well, no. I I felt like you believed that I'd become old enough that I was a social being now and it was time for me to go out and start mixing it up with people and,

and you didn't want to try and control that,

she said. I felt you really believed and trusted me

and I said, Oh well thank you darling.

I said, I tell you what, I sponsor guys that have teenage daughters

and they get very confused about what's going on with their daughters. I said, you know how Adele's a double agent helping my guys? She said, yeah. I said, would you do the same with my guys that have daughters?

She said absolutely.

And so I give her phone number to guys. And I had a guy say, look,

I paid for the family therapist. I paid for the private counseling for the kid. I paid for my private counseling. We went to the school counselor and we went to the parish priest. And you know who gave me real, practical advice about how to love and be with my daughter?

Your daughter.

So there is no aspect of my life that this thing does not touch. There is no boundary in it.

I live this. This is my way of life. And it is a marvelous, marvelous thing.

You know, we talk about letting go, you know, don't let go, man. Just jump. Just jump. You know, the older folks in here, they remember that Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid when they're going running off the waterfall, you know? But, you know, just just just jump. Just jump. You'll be amazed what happens. You'll be amazed. Thank you.

When Jay's dad, Jim was sober that year before he died, at one point he brought him down to LA and was kind of showing him off because nobody had ever seen him sober. And he brought him over to my house and we're sitting on the couch together and,

and I looked at him, I said. So, Jim, so you're not drinking?

He looked at me and smiled. He went, Yeah.

And I said, well, how is it? How do you feel he goes? Well, the best thing about is I don't have to go to those damn meetings you guys go to.

And we just laugh, man. It was amazing. That guy wasn't drinking. It was really amazing. It was really sweet.

As I mentioned in my story, I was raised in a A and I got raised in this house where

now I understand what was going on there. Before. I really wasn't that conscious of exactly what was going on, but I was surrounded by a bunch of a, a men and A and a bunch of Al Anon women

from the age of 6

until I was like 15 or 16.

It kind of, you know, you grow up, you kind of you're not so much at home anymore, you know, but for that whole time, there was lots of AA activity happening in my house all the time. And when I was younger, younger, before babysitters and stuff, they would actually take me to this fright many meetings. But this Friday night meeting, in particular in Westchester that my parents started, they started this meeting and, and when it finally closed its doors, it was pushing 45 years old, you know,

and,

and I would sit out in the kitchen

and during the break, I would help bring out the Donuts and the coffee. And at the end of the meeting, I'd stand, hold everybody's hands. You don't say the serenity prayer. Keep coming back, you know, and and I was surrounded by this stuff.

I hated one of the requirements for being an alcoholic, as I, I think you almost are required to hate your parents and you know, the alcoholic for the alcoholic life to seem like the only normal life, you got to create it and, and reality around you to make that work. And the rule first rule is,

is it you can never take responsibility for your own behavior because your behavior is indefensible. So it's got to be someone else's fault. And usually mom and dad are the 1st in there trying to interrupt the fun and control your life. And, and we usually have this kind of over reactive kind of hatred for our parents. Some of them were really dark and horrible and alcoholic and awful. You know, some of them deserve some hatred.

In my particular case, you know, my father got sober and they, they just, they weren't that bad people really. At the very worst, they ignored me, you know, I mean, they just, most parents aren't qualified to be parents. You know,

they should have done something else besides raise kids. But they never beat me or molested me or anything like that. It didn't come from that kind of a violent environment. But I grew up with this, this hatred. I mean, just a rage, especially against my father. He would come in the room and it would just turn my stomach and just make me sick to even be around. I couldn't stand the man. And we would have screaming FU fights at each other, you know, I would do most of the cussing. We've been standing in the kitchen toe to toe, getting ready to go at it. That kind. I really disliked him

and I really felt that it was my mission on this planet was to make his life as miserable as humanly possible. And I and I really aggressively, I was not shy and I really tried to do that. And when I got sober in 1985,

he was at the top of my resentment list.

He was number one. I hated him much more than anybody else. And at about a year sober, it was his 70th birthday. And I made amends. And I knew that I had to make the amends. And, and I knew I, I just couldn't live with that kind of rage and anger. And one of the things that Jay and I, Jay taught me how to do this, and I do this with guys, is when you're going to make it and manage, you write out what you're going to say

and let's review it and we'll kind of edit it and make sure that you're not going to cause another fight.

Let's be clear on what it is you want to say, why you're making amends. What's the purpose here? What are we trying to accomplish? You know, we're not going to ask for forgiveness from them. It's not up to us to ask anything of these people. We're just going to apologize for our behavior, plain and simple.

And as I was writing down what I couldn't really recall

what it was that he did to me that caused that level of rage. And I was shocked by that experience. I mean, certainly there had to been worse than that. You know, I come up with like two or three things that weren't real nice, you know, I mean, but it that kind of response, I mean, that was the first eye opener that I had, that maybe I had overreacted a bit to some events in my life,

you know, and I have no idea where that comes from, you know, where that overreaction comes from. But I have a lot of memories in sobriety as well. I mean, this didn't go away right away where something negative would happen and then I would respond and everybody would forget about what happened as they're reacting to Bill flopping around on the floor like a boated fish. I mean, my reaction to this event was just clear over the top, you know, and, and that's a common threat

my life.

But at a year sober on his 70th birthday, I made amends to him. And he said to me, as I was taking him in the other room, he says, oh, you don't have to do this.

And it was kind of like Jay's father walking out of the room. He said, you don't have to do this. And I looked at him and laughed. And I said, you better than anybody know that I do. You know, I have to do this. I did not know that he had never done this.

I figured he had done it.

I was to find out later he had never done any of this, this stuff. And

so I sat him down and I said, you know, I'm sorry that I wasn't the son that I know that you wanted me to be. And I'm sorry for all the horrible things that I've said and the horrible things that I did. I'm not going to list them here. You were there. You know, I haven't forgotten any of them and I'm sure you haven't either. And you're my father and I love you and I don't want to hate you anymore. I'm tired of this.

And, and we had a little talk. He kind of told me some stuff. And you know, we had a little talk and I, I went home that night with my wife, my wife that I was married to. When I came in and as I was driving home back to our house, it was like somebody reached inside and grabbed all of that rage and just pulled it out of me. I started crying and sobbing and I couldn't stop

and I've I've never done that before or since. I don't think really.

I mean, that was a spiritual experience that I was present for. I was stone cold sober and I felt that leave me, you know? Was it 100% of it like 95? You know, I mean, most of it was gone and it just took all the energy out of all of that screaming and hollering and sleepless nights and visions of his death and my dreams. Just horrible stuff.

And demons. We have demons, you know, these demons that are in US.

And my relationship with him began to change. He was not the kind of guy that that hugged you a lot. He wasn't a touchy guy. He was a depression kid, you know, working since he was 12 years old. Just one of those guys, you know, just a real quiet, hard working show up, you know,

salt of the earth, blue collar guy, dude, a dude, you know, and just supplied for his family, took care of everybody. And, you know, and that was the kind of thing. And he just wasn't a real huggy, touchy feely guy. He didn't coach soccer. He didn't sign me up for anything. He was building a business and doing a lot of a a, you know, that's what he did. And, and I figured if I wanted to, and I was taught this, if I wanted to have a different relationship with him, it was going to be up to me to make that happen.

But I, I couldn't wait around for him. Once again,

your behavior, my happiness is based on your behavior. If I can't live like that anymore,

I can't wait for that because you just don't behave right, you know? And so I have, I have to be the one. That's the move. I have to make that move. If I want him hugging me, I got to start hugging him. So I started hugging him. And then something horrible happened. He started showing up at my AA meetings,

which was really awful, you know, I mean, he had kind of drifted away from AAI mean he was still going, but he really wasn't involved at any level of any kind really. And when I got sober, he got perked up

and he started showing up to my men's tag,

which was awful. And the real awful thing about it is everybody was really happy he was there. He was the old timer at the men's stag. Everybody was oh, shit, we got Gordon now, you know, when 1 old guy Eric Gordon had more time than Eric, which was really cool because Eric was an asshole. And yeah, he still is, you know, and, but. And

of course,

John Quick,

I hope that tape doesn't get back to he could Take Me Out real easy, you know, and anyway, and I got to see a side of my father that I'd never seen before. I got to see the guy hanging around with a bunch of other guys, tell him dirty jokes. And being a guy, I'd never seen that before. And he said some of the funniest stuff I've ever heard in a a, you know, and I'm not going to repeat it. We're in mixed company. And it was filthy. And I'd never heard him. He never

he was a good Southern boy, you know, growing up he had manners. Yes, Sir, yes, ma'am, Kind of a guy, but he's down at a A with the boys and all that went right out the window, you know, I mean, pretty soon there he's just telling crotch jokes one after the other, you know, and I didn't even know he knew that stuff, you know, And all of a sudden he changed, you know, I saw this regular guy, you know, that wasn't trying to be the correct father or that, you know, he was just an A a dude.

Well, as this was happening and our relationship was beginning to change and we were getting closer,

you know what, I, you know, I found my father and Alcoholics Anonymous. I am truly blessed. This doesn't happen to very many people. You know, I mean, it have a lot of people heal with their parents. And the level that we healed was really quite remarkable. You know, the fact that we could never share anything, but we could share a A

and I started sponsoring guys and at about two or three years sober,

I was sponsoring this guy Al, who still sober to this day. He's 2223 years sober now.

And Al was taken care of his mother and his mother was dying. She was quite old and she was very ill. They didn't have any health insurance or anything. And Al was taking care of her. And this was a big issue in his life. And he would was constantly talking with me about it. And he had to change her diapers and pop her hip back into the socket. And, and she wasn't a very nice woman either. She wasn't like Mother Teresa, you know, she was kind of a

just a mean spirited dark person. And and Al had a sister still does. And her sister is his sister is very strange for their weird group of people, you know, and and alcoholism really runs in their family. And it's just kind of and here Al is fairly newly sober with the burden of taking care of this woman and, you know, just full time, 24 hours a day. And this went on for several years.

And one night he's over at my house and he had left the hospital. She had he had to take her into the hospital because she was very close to death.

And he had given them my phone number before cell phones. And and he said, this is where I'll be. So he's in my kitchen. We're talking about what's going on in the phone rings and they say, Al, you better get back here. It looks like she's close. You better get back here right away. So he gets up to leave, but he's not leaving. He's just standing there. He's looking at me and I know what he wants and I don't want to go.

You know, She's not my mother. I'm just sponsoring this guy, like reading the book with him and stuff. You know, We don't do that stuff.

You know, there's limitations here, right? I don't have to go do that. It's not in the handbook. I've never read where it says that we have to go do that kind of stuff. That's way too personal. That's his mother, not my mother. I've never seen anybody die in a hospital and I'm not looking forward to it. So I'm not going

and he's not leaving.

And I finally said to him, I said, do you want me to go with you? And he goes, would you please?

This guy's got a family. Aunts, uncles, sister stuff, you know? I mean, they're at the hospital. He's not like he's alone. But I now I'm stuck, you know? I can't just say no. I'm not going to go. I was hoping he'd let me off the hook. I was hoping he'd say no. That's OK, man. I'll be all right, you know, But hang by the phone. I might need to call you. Yeah, sure. Sure. Yeah,

I go down to the hospital and I walk in this room and it's horrible.

I mean, she's all horrible looking and she's got tubes and ventilators and the beepers are going off and the rooms half lit and and I'm creeped out and I find a chair over in the corner and I go sit in this chair and I close my eyes and I just breathe a couple of times. And I just said something innocuous, like God help me, you know? So I feel like, you know, help me through this something. And this feeling came over me.

Yeah, I didn't hear any voices and no lights changed, but a feeling came over me, a very distinct feeling

that said to me,

everything's OK here, there's nothing wrong. This is not a mistake. Just relax. It's all right.

And I believed it. I mean, I just kind of relaxed and I sort of took a breath, you know, to expand my lung capacity because when you're all uptight, you're like this. And I looked around the room and it seemed like, well, this is this is the way. This is what happens, right? And Alice pacing back and forth, you know, and he's a great big guy like me, but he's a larger man. He's a framer, like a Carpenter. He's got great big hands. And I tell him, I said, come over here and sit down. There's a chair next to me. I said, sit down. And he comes over and he sits down, and I held his hand

and I looked at him and I said, you know, man, everything's OK. There's nothing wrong here. It's all right. Just relax. And I said, let's pray. And we lowered our heads and I said some prayer. I have no idea what I said, but I just said some prayer. And why, you know, something tried to be poetic or something, you know, I mean, I'm not real creative, you know, all the cool stuff that you hear come out of me, I stole from other people, you know.

But he's holding my hand when this is happening, and he's holding my hand really tight.

And while I'm saying that prayer, I could feel his hand relax in my hand. Just let go.

That's intimacy.

That's what it is.

It's real quiet. It's very subtle and I miss it all the time because I'm looking for a head rush and I've come to find out that emotions are very quiet. They're very subtle. They're not dramatic like we are. That's a fabricated emotion. Most of them are very quiet,