The Windsor conference in Windsor, Ontario, Canada

Hi, I'm Kerry Min Alcoholic

and my sobriety date is September 6, 1994. My Home group is a way out group in Tannersville, PA and my sponsors name is Melissa And I start every talk by by qualifying in that way. Because

the bottom line is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has allowed me to get a relationship with the power greater than myself, which has enabled me to remain abstinent from alcohol for an extended period of time. But it was those three things bring down the drink, seeking a solution and asking somebody for help that innate that allowed me to start on this this wonderful journey. I mean,

where, where else in the world do you get to? I mean, I've, I've, when I go to when I do a conference, when I'm asked to speak, one of the things that I really like to do is sit in the back of the room and talk to people.

I like to find out what kind of recovery. What do you guys do here? Like, what is a, a like here? What are your experiences and what would you change? What do you love about it? And I have to tell you, I, I do this enough, you know, and I haven't felt as at home and as welcomed as I have here. I feel like I have friends. I bet, I bet people from Ohio that you know, and I'm like, I love these people. I've cried more this weekend than I probably cried in a really long time.

Every time somebody's speaking, I'm like, damn it, I'm gonna cry. Please, just, you know, this morning I'm like, please don't cry because you'll run your makeup and I cry, you know, but this is the beauty. I'm not crying because I'm sad. I'm crying because I'm overwhelmed by the awe, by the beauty, by the miracles that I've seen in Alcoholics Anonymous, the things that sustain me through my life when things are difficult or when I, I don't know what to do when I'm faced with the things that normal people can do and face

seem to be OK with it. But I seem to have a learning curve that, you know, I just, I don't get it. I remember the things that I've seen here. I remember the miracles that I've witnessed. I remember the person that I was when I walked in these doors, and the person I was when I walked into these doors was somebody who stole, who lied, who treated the people who loved her terribly.

And I got soared. 18. So my drinking isn't all that interesting really, because, you know, I only spent some, you know, a couple years doing it. But my experience was alcohol taught me that I can't control how much I drink once I start.

I, my experience with alcohol showed me that I think abnormally when it comes to alcohol. You know, I have normal, I've, you know, I've, I've met normal people in my life who, who drink and say things like, you know, I, I'm going to have a nightcap. They drink a half a glass of wine and go to sleep. That's not my experience with alcohol. That's not what happens to me when I put it in my body. You know, I, I can remember sitting in health class, we had like health class and, you know, it's like sex Ed and drug Ed and whatever, you know, this is marijuana. It's like, uh-huh,

you know, don't do cocaine, don't drink. And I'm like, yeah, I just did all that in the parking lot before I got here. Now I'm kidding, kidding, but I remember sitting in this in the class, and they're like, alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. I'm like, no, it's not.

I'm not at all depressed when I drink. But so The thing is, is my body is different than the average person. And I didn't know that when I, until I came here and somebody explained to me the nature of alcoholism and what it meant to be an alcoholic.

I didn't know that I thought differently than other people. I didn't know, you know, we all hear those sayings, you know, like don't take the first drink and blah, blah, blah. And, and, and, and you know, and I've heard that I mean Alcoholics Anonymous, I mean, I'm a product, you know,

I'm 34 years old. I remember, I can, I can remember watching 90210 and Dylan went to a A and I'm being like, that's interesting. Dillons in IA, you know, you know, so I mean, like Alcoholics Anonymous has been something that just been a part of, you know, my collective consciousness my entire life. I, I've never not known about rehabs. I mean, I can remember like watching MTV at 3:00 in the morning and seeing, well, you know, do you have a problem with alcohol?

You know, are you lonely and depressed? Why don't you call my rehab? You know, so I mean, the recovery message has been something that I've known about my entire life. I've had family members, cousins, people have been in and out and around. I have a, I have a my, you know, my cousin brought me to my first real AA meeting. When I mean real a meeting is a meeting when I went in there and I went there because I wanted to be different on some level and I didn't know what I wanted to be different. I just know I didn't want to be where I was. And my cousin brought me and he sober to this day. And

he did, you know, because I don't know if I could have gone through that door alone and because he was kind enough to see that I was crazy

and take pity on my poor parents and family and say, well, I'll share this meeting on a Wednesday night. And it was happened to be at my parents church. You know, my parents are very, very religious. And they're wonderful, beautiful people. And, you know, they're very involved in the church. Like my mother's a Eucharistic minister, my dad's an usher. I mean, we're, I was raised Catholic

and, you know, good old Irish family. I'm half Irish, half Polish, so I'm really cat. I was raised really Catholic,

you know, so you know, he's sharing this meeting at my parents church and I'm like, this is where I went to CCD. This is where I get drug. I mean, like where I would be like, you know, be out on a Saturday night high, you know, doing what I was doing. My mom, you know, I crawl at home and my mom would be like, you need to go to church. And I'm like, no, And she dragged me kicking and screaming to this, to this church. And, you know, I sit there so and be like,

I'm not praying, you know. And by the end, by the end of the Mass, I was like, OK, that wasn't so bad. No, you know, whatever. But I mean, so he dragged, he drugged me to this meeting in my parents church. And I was like slinking down the back door. But I'm like, well, I'm with my cousin. So it's like, I can like, you know, I think I can sneak in. He's goes here and, you know, like, and he's part of the family and they attended, you know, so I think I can go there, you know, and I sat in the meeting and, and I didn't get sober that day. You know, I didn't get sober for a couple years

actually too. But I found out that Alcoholics Anonymous wasn't a scary place. And I found out that there were really, really beautiful people here. And I saw that there was something different about what you guys did. I saw that there was something different about how you looked than how I felt.

I've always felt like there was something less than about me. I've always felt like, I mean, I'm sure you you've, how many times have you said raise your hand if you said I felt different and I don't know why.

I mean, that's just the alcoholic mission statement. I'm weird. I don't work and play well with others. Communication is an issue for me.

Relationships, huh? You know, I mean, these are things that we don't do well. I mean, I,

I don't do well when I have to interact with anybody other than what's in my head, you know, when I have to actually talk to you guys and interact and like, you know, have a conversation and listen, follow the train of the conversation and think about like, what's the appropriate response? Those are things that I have to actually take a second ago. I'm supposed to say something now what? OK, OK, wait, wait, wait. OK,

that's, that's terrible, right? You know, I mean, this is, this is, this is the way that I live my life. I, I didn't have any of those skills. I just didn't,

you know, And I can remember being in like kindergarten or first grade in like

just being afraid of everything. I, I was one of those people long before I picked up a drink, long before I alcoholism was even a word in my vocabulary, I had a Cabbage patch doll. You guys remember cabbage Patch dolls? Her name is Cindy Lou. She was my prized possession and I loved her more than I loved anything else in the face of the earth. And I must have been in like I was in 3rd grade and I grew up in New Jersey, which is really just a toxic waste dump.

And

it's very polluted. And I remember that there was a house around like a couple blocks from where we live. There was like a watch factory and they had like mercury and like they make make sure they used to put it in the paint in order to like make your watch illuminate. And apparently they had dumped a bunch of this stuff in some toxic waste,

you know, on this land, built some houses, and people were getting cancer and stuff. And I'm like in 3rd grade, and I hear about this. And I'm like, there's toxic waste three blocks from my house. I play in that park. The world is a scary place. And I can remember, like, sitting in my bed at night with my Cindy Lou. I'm thinking what if toxic waste like blows into my backyard and I die?

What if the house is on fire? How do I get out of the house and make sure I have my Cindy Lou? My Cabbage patch doll

had you know, and I thought this and that. The world was just a scary place for me and I was full of fear. I mean, I'm 8 years old and I'm planning escape routes from my parents 3 bedroom house.

It's not like I had really far to go, you know? But am I planning an escape route for my Cabbage Patch doll and myself? You know, because I was afraid of everything. And I, I've heard arguments and discussions of whether or not we're born an alcoholic or we cross a line. I think it's both actually. I think that there are some people who are born

with that thing missing that God shaped hole. I was that's me. And then I've met people who were like really, really normal. Then I don't know the whole developed it just something ripped apart in their soul and their alcohols. I don't know, but I've heard people who like were pretty normal and then weren't and I've sponsored them. Those are those are the sponses that I kind of like I kind of shake my head with like, I really don't get you, but I'll help you, you know, because they're like the type of people who drink functionally have jobs and marriages and are successful, get degrees and then

an alcoholic and lose it all and everything like that. But I'm like, you got that stuff. You functioned, you were able to like, you know, be remotely successful. I'm somebody I've been, I was asked to leave a school for special kids

at a certain point, you know, like my poor parents, they just kept like putting me in, you know, in the hospital, keep going, bringing me to the doctors and, and I had been in I, I went to high school and my brothers and sisters are a bit older than me. And I had this, I had an my sisters are listening. So she's going to love this one. My, my older sister. I had this this principle and he he had been my sister's home ring teacher

when I was born. My sister was in high school and she the day that I was born,

umm, she came to school and said I have a baby sister and her name is Carrie. This is the family legend, right?

And, you know, so, you know, years later, I wander into this high school, set some fires, get into some fights, do some bad things and

up in this principal's office, like often. And he'd sit down with me and say, Miss Cosgrove, you know, I remember the day you were born. You're a beautiful, wonderful, smart sister who never did anything bad,

who is in my whole room. Why can't you be more like her? And I'm like, I'm saying you on fire. Like these are the things I think a lot of screw you, you know, you want, you know, and I can't remember that 'cause I had set a fire in homeroom out. I didn't understand why that was a big deal. I took us, you know, I took a spray can and lit a match and said, you know, and I got suspended. I'm like, what? What do I do? And nothing burned, you know, because I didn't have that common sense that normal people have. That's what I said. I think I was born with that God shaped hole.

I didn't really understand limits. I didn't understand the consequences of my actions. I couldn't think beyond like the, you know, right in front of my face. And half the time I didn't even recognize what that was. So I was full of this fear and I went through my life with this fear. And you know, when I put alcohol in my body, I felt it less and my mind told me that anything that I was,

anything I would lose, would be worth losing. So I didn't have to feel that fear,

you know, and that's really what that's about. We tell ourselves all kinds of reasons for why we drink, but ultimately what it's about is that I have that you're a restless and discontent inside of me. And whatever it is, whatever it costs me is worth it. Now, mind you, because I, I have such a wonderful family with such a wonderful life, it ultimately didn't cost me very much. It cost me an education, you know, some brain cells, the trust of my family for a really long time, things like that. But ultimately all of those things have been earned back in recovery,

you know, so, you know, I have this body, I have this mind and I have that God shape whole that we call the spiritual malady, you know, we call it uterable rest. Listen to his content. You know, on page 52 of the big broke of Alcoholics Anonymous, it talks about the bedevilments, you know, you know, can't, you know, can't have personal relationships, you know, can't seem to be real help to other people, pray misery and depression can't make a living. And that means not have a good life, not money,

you know, full of fear, you know, all of these things. That's that's what the God shape whole looks like in action.

What it feels like is a terrible sense of unworthiness

and a feeling that somehow, you know, I could forgive you for doing something. And then when I do it, I'm a horrible human being, you know, and I hear this, I'm like, I, I'll sit and listen to, you know, I've listened to a lot of fist steps in, in my, in my time in Alcoholics Anonymous. I've been graced with that. And I, my, my, and I'll hear stuff and I'll be like, whoa. And I'm like, but you're a child of God and we love you. And we'll find a way to fix this. Let's say I hit some amends and La La, la, love, love, love.

And I get a speeding ticket and I'm like, I'm a horrible, terrible person, you know? And that's because of that, that sense of unworthiness. And I carried that for so long. And

what I like to talk about is not so much about how I drank or how I got here, because I think that's somewhat irrelevant. The three parts of the disease are that that diagnostic tool, physical, mental, spiritual is what's important. How that physical, mental and spiritual look like for you is your own story. How it looked like for me is my own story. But what I like to talk about is what Alcoholics Anonymous has given me because what I feel like these conferences, what I got from this conference this weekend was

how much a, a works. And let's be a cheerleader for the program of recovery because there's the fellowship, which is what we do when we're smoking outside, and the program of recovery, which is what we do when we're sitting across our kitchen table or the dining, you know, diner with our sponsor.

And I think where I live, people don't understand that. So they say things like, I'm, you know, I'm in a recovery program. I said, no, you work a recovery program and you're a recovery fellowship. Let's get our terms correct. You know, one of the things that my sponsor and my sponsor was a college professor. So she was real big and she, she was a journalist and stuff. So like she really was about language. She doesn't get a dictionary.

Get a dictionary. Look it up. Let's call things what they are,

you know, because I had this vocabulary that was full of failure and F words and all kinds of stuff

that didn't accurately describe my experience or what I wanted to convey to people. What I wanted to convey to people what what was in my head couldn't seem to come out my mouth appropriately or in any way that you can understand it without being really offended. You know, because I was full of that fear and I was so blocked. I didn't understand about being blocked from God because it was a state that I was constantly in. I didn't know any other state then being blocked from God. It was

normal. And having had a spiritual awakening as a result of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, the state of being connected to God

is so normal, it's hard for me to conceive of not. I had a friend who had visited me from Iceland. He was staying at my house. He had gone out. He'd gone down to San Antonio, which I was kind of jealous of because I didn't get to go

when he was staying with my husband and my and my four children. And he, you know, it come and we were talking and he's, you know, he's sober

like the 10 year or something like that. We've been friends for we've been friends for a really, really long time. And we were talking about like what we do in our spiritual life, what that looks like and what you know, we're actually talking about the 10 step, you know, that pause, ask turn thing, you know, pause. When am I agitated for devil? Ask God to remove it, turn my thoughts to someone else, speak with another person and make amends. If I did something I shouldn't do and if I did some if I didn't do something I shouldn't do be of service to someone else. And if I did so I shouldn't do be

apologize and be of service to someone else. So basically, you know, pause, ask and turn my thoughts away from me and then my actions. So we were discussing this and we were talking about the 10 step. And I'm like, I don't consciously pause most of the time. It's an automatic thing for me. It's what I do. Something happens and I stop and say, OK, I'm being selfish,

what's going on? God, remove it. And then if it's a matter of picking up the phone or turning to somebody next to me, I'm being selfish,

you know? What can I do to be of service to you today? Boom, done. It's not even something that I think about anymore. It's something that's become a habitual thing. My relationship with God has become something. It's not habitual. It's such an intrinsic part of me that it's difficult for me to describe. I would have an easier time talking to you about what I do in my bedroom with my husband than I would about what my relationship with God looks like because it's such a personal thing.

And the idea here is this is

I had this whole, I had this fear. I had this crushing sense of insecurity and unworthiness. And it came to Alcoholics Anonymous and I was taught away out of that. I was taught away to live my life. The design for living that really works,

that allows me to be in a state of clarity. I love it. I love it. You know what I know when people work the steps, they say things like I'm current. I almost, I swear to God, I almost jumped up and down and clapped my hands when I heard that the first time this weekend because those are things I don't really hear where I live. Where I live, there's a lot of fellowship recovery, not a lot of program recovery, if you get my drift. And a lot of people say things like just don't drink. And then somebody says how? And he said,

don't do it. I'm like, uh-huh. They say things like let go and let God, well, how we'll just let it go, you know, like letting like, like the third step is a fishing expedition. I love that this I took my rollback and like, no, no, no. See, here's the thing. We align our will of God by practicing spiritual principles. God doesn't take your will. The program

funnels it, channels it and directs it in an appropriate manner.

That's what it does, you know, give it up. I don't say Gee, I'm gonna give up my will. So I'm just gonna sit here and do nothing. You know, it's not a fishing expedition. It's about becoming in tune and one with and becoming a part of ones community. I love that word community.

Because what fear does is it separates me from you, is that isolation and that feeling of separateness that keeps me from truly being willing to understand or experience what you experience. And I can't truly be of service to God and to others unless I'm willing to put aside my preconceived notions or experiences to try

the world on from your perspective for just a few minutes.

Because when ultimately when I sat down and I wrote Inventory, what I found out that I was so stuck in looking at things in my perspective, I was unwilling to consider that maybe some of the things that happened to me in my life had nothing to do with me.

That whoever was doing whatever they were doing were having their own experience with their God, their world, their fear in themselves. And yes, it affected me, but it wasn't personal. I don't go out in my day and say, you know, I want to hurt people's feelings.

I want to make them feel inadequate, less than. And yeah, I really want to piss them off. That's not like my, that's not my action plan for the day. My action plan is I want to be a good girl and I would do good things and be happy. And some are along the line. I make a decision based on South that puts me in a position we hurt. Then I do something really bad because you hurt me and all of a sudden I'm pissed off and I don't know why and I'm all set and nobody likes me, you know?

But the idea here is that, you know, if that's my experience

and I'm not personally out to get people, is it possible that nobody's personally out to get me?

And that's what I'm talking about, that community being willing to be open to another persons experience and being willing to give people the benefit of the doubt,

to be willing to allow them to be human and realize that we're all all just fallible children of God. And there's a friend of mine, a friend of mine says this, and I love this. And I, I, I try really hard not to, not to curse because I have a foul mouth.

I am still a 14 year old trapped in a 34 year old body. But there's a statement and I love it. It's called I'm an ass. You're an ass.

And whenever, whenever something happens and I'm like, Gee, that's stung. I have to remind myself I'm an ass. You're an ass. You didn't do anything to me that I haven't done to someone else on some level in some degree wasn't personal. So it's this community, this thing, this, this, this being human and, and being fallible and having that

that thing that we come together and we can be stronger together. I'm never better than when I'm sitting with another alcoholic. Helping them have an experience with God.

I am never better

and so I do this thing, I live this life and I have these experiences because I want that community. I want to feel whole. And the only place I've ever felt whole in my life is here. This is my home.

I got a text before I spoke and it was, I almost cried and I try I'm I have one of those. I'm such a tomboy it's ridiculous. Putting me in a dress and high heels is like arduous. My husband laughs when I have to pack for conferences because I was taught

that we show up and we suit up and we look like we're responsible, respectable members of society when we stand before Alcoholics Anonymous, which means that ripped jeans and AT shirt and tattoos everywhere in my hair, like whatever which way in a pair of flip flops doesn't cut it for being up here. So I'm packing for conferences and I'm like, which dress makes me look a little bit more responsible?

You know? What high heels can I actually stand in? Because I never wear them except for when I'm up here,

you know, so and he laughs. He just laughs his, you know, he just laughs because he knows how crazy I am. But here's The thing is that

I get to do this. I get to share this. So I, I had this text, you know what? Before I, I was, I was coming up here and this a sponsee of mine text me and she's like, how's it going? I'm like, it's going pretty good. I'm having a good time. Said, how are you? And she said, I'm grateful to be sober today. I'm so grateful. God put me put you in my life. No one has ever said that to me until I walk through these doors. No, no one who interacted with me when I was in my sickness ever was truly grateful for having known me.

They loved me because they had to. They tolerated because it was what they were supposed to do. But being grateful to have to be in someone or having somebody being grateful because you exist purely because you are you is one of the most beautiful experiences that anybody can have. And we have that here. And was because alcohol is anonymous tolerated me when I was incorrigible. I came in these doors. I had like my hair is 9 million different colors, blue hair, green hair, my head was shaped,

wear underwear for like the first year.

I mean my Home group. This is God's honest truth. My Home group in Jersey, where where I originally got sober, had had a group conscience meeting as to whether or not they should allow me in their meeting anymore because I didn't wear underwear

and someone pulled me and I wear like this hippie skirt and Doc Martens and, you know, my hair is sticking up everywhere. And I come in the meeting and I'd be like, you know, and lie. That was something else. I did a lot. It's like I like watched like Days of Our Lives and then come into open. I call them open disgusting meetings because I'm an intolerant little

stink, but open discussion meetings and I would like make stuff up to see if you guys would believe me. And I knew that he knew I was a liar. And they didn't kick me out. They didn't say, you know, you're a sick little ticket, get the hell out of here. What they said is keep coming. And I was like, keep coming. I'm going to come back here. And I did and I did and I did and I did until, until I was about two years sober.

And I hadn't worked the steps until I was two years over because the big book

and the 12 steps were not something that people did as a matter of recovery. You know, people read the stories in the big book and they, they had sponsors and they went to retreats and they did things like that, but they didn't, you know, writing an inventory wasn't something they, they, they would say things like, you know, you'll get drunk if you write that four step. In fact, my poor husband, he wrote a four step when he was about, I don't know, like 90 days clean. And he did it himself. Like he found the big book and he got the pictures and he's like, you know, I'm going to write an inventory because I'm

die. He couldn't get sober. And and his sponsor kept saying, well, you know, you might drink. Don't, don't you maybe should stop right in that four step. You might drink. And then he went up to the Wilson house, you know, had an experience with God, 12 steps came back and said, whoa, I can't believe, you know, So, you know, like I'm on fire with this big book stuff. And, and my husband's like, yeah, you told me last year I was going to drink if I did it, you know, But I mean, where, where I got sober, that really wasn't about having a relationship with a higher power or

learning how to live despite fear. It was about a lot about hiding in Alcoholics Anonymous, going to 100 meetings a week and talking about your problems. And after a while, I don't give a

I don't give a Doo Doo about your divorce.

I don't care about your cat. I know your cats. I know you loved it. But dude, it's been six months. It's dead. OK, Get a new cat. Let's get on with the thing here, you know? And that's the way it was. No, not to be like callous or anything, but you know, people, we, I was taught to go to my meetings and dump my problems. And the fact was, was that nobody talked to me, nobody liked me, and I was a mess. I didn't have any damn problems because I didn't interact with

people. I hid, so I had nothing to talk about. I had to make stuff up, you know, so you know when I and and then people would be like, good share, you know, you, you really got to the heart of it. And I'm like, I made all that up

my dent in a book somewhere, you know, So the idea here is that, you know, this is what I taught, was taught recovery was. And I ended up being at a meeting and in Staten Island, ended up moving to Staten Island, NY, you know, by accident, you know, God brought me there. You know, I didn't never wanted to live on it. Doran Island, it's a guard. If they literally put it, it's a garbage dump. They put all the garbage from the tri-state area in Staten Island. The middle of the island is a garbage dump. Yeah,

I didn't ever expect to be there, but I I, I, you know,

I moved to this island and I sat in this meeting and this guy from California was speaking. He was like he was, he was doing his last retreat before he went to go study with the Dalai Lama. And he looked like if, if David Crosby and Captain Kangaroo had sex,

he would be the love child.

Thank God he's dead. Because if he if you ever heard me say explain him that way, he probably would be really mad now. He'd think it's funny. So anyway, so he was talking and he was getting this talk and the 9th step. He was talking about a men's and freedom and how free do you want to be? And I'm like, you're full of crap, dude. And I'm, you know, I'm 20 years old, mate, mate. Yeah, 20 years old. And I'm an angry, scared little girl. I have a baby. I had gotten pregnant when I was about 60 days clean, you know, and I

had had this daughter that I didn't know how to be a mom to, but I tried really, really hard and I was miserable and I was afraid to drink because I knew that I would, I would hurt her and, and I loved her more than I loved like she was my Cindy Lou, you know, like the escape plans for my house. I loved her more than I loved anything else in the face of the earth And what I, I knew that if I drank, I would hurt her and I didn't want to do that. But I couldn't live like I was living because I was afraid of

everything. I can remember I went to a an open disgusting meeting in the Staten Island and I was, I had to get up and get a cup of coffee. And I can remember having a panic attack because people might see me. Mind you, I sat in the back of the meeting. The coffee was over there. No one was seeing me. They're all looking forward. But I thought you guys had the, you know, eyes in back your head. You knew where I was all the time because I was so damn important that everybody was paying attention to every little thing that I was doing.

And you saw it at me. You telegraphed horrible things to me in your head, and you thought it means that wow, who's that girl who really hopes she doesn't come back here anymore? And we show her butts fat and she's not very pretty and she's kind of dumb and who the hell is she? And I thought these things. I heard these things from your brains when I went through my life. So I'm sitting in this meeting hearing you think at me while you're facing away

and I get to get this cup of coffee. My hands shake and I'm spilling all over myself and I sit back down and I'm broke out in sweat. I'm overwhelmed with fear and I want to die. I want to die. I just like, I cannot live anymore feeling the way that I feel and I don't know any way out of it. God answered my prayers. A couple weeks later, I stumble into this meeting. There's Captain Kangaroo talking about freedom and I go up to him and I'm like, you're full of crap. And I'm not making amends. Those people, they hurt me.

And he goes and he starts asking me these questions about like, you know, what happens when I drink? How do I think about it? And what I found out now that I've been through the steps is that he qualified me as to whether or not I was an alcoholic.

And he asked me all these questions. What happens when you start drinking and yadda, yadda, yadda. And then all of a sudden he pulls somebody over and says, you know,

you help her. And this guy said, you know, he's this old guy in his bald and fat. And I'm like, you know, what are you gonna do? You know, you little, he's gonna, you know, I'm like, you're gonna hit on me or something, you know, you know, 'cause that's the way I looked at everybody. It was what can I get from you and what are you gonna do to me? It was always a cost benefit analysis. And I always, always expected to be screwed over at some point. So I was out for me and to protect me and to make sure that I got what I wanted. So, you know, people helping me, wanting to help me, that

something that I believed was possible, that you would want to help me just for the pure joy of helping me. Now you wanted something for me. So I was pretty sure this guy wanted to sleep with me, you know, because I was so attractive, you know, in my flannel shirts and my baggy, baggy pants and my hair in my face and the foul mouth and the anger that wafted off of me and the fact that, you know,

you know, I was the most antisocial, angry, disgusting human beings you would probably ever want to meet. And I lied all the time, you know? But he wanted to sleep with that, of course, you know,

but he, he ended up bringing me to a big book meeting at his house that he and his wife had. And they, we, I started to go through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and I began to have an experience with God. I found out what it meant to be an alcoholic, that threefold disease. I found out what it meant to be a hopeless alcoholic, meaning that that I'm, I am hopeless apart from divine help means that

I'm hopeless, not helpless, meaning that there is something that I can do in order to live. But here's the thing, and this is the beautiful thing of Alcoholics Anonymous is that it doesn't tell me I have a choice as to whether or not I pick up a drink. It says that I can die an alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis. So the choice that I make is not whether or not I I don't choose not to drink today, I choose to Live Today.

I choose to live on a spiritual basis

and that's something that today has become not even a choice anymore. That's the beauty of that choice. I made that choice. I didn't know I was choosing to live in a spiritual basis. I I just wanted to be not in pain anymore. And I followed this person around and they begin to begin to have an experience.

Today, the choice to live on a spiritual basis isn't even a choice that I consciously make anymore. I mean, there are times when there's difficulties and I have to make notices, call my sponsor. All right, what's the what's the right thing to do here? But what I'm saying is that my life

has evolved into something that living on a spiritual basis is the inevitable conclusion. My husband, sober and alcohol extonymous. He has the same clean date as I do. My children know about alcohol extensus. We have a house meeting in our house. We practice these principles and all our affairs. I have sponsees out the wazoo, commitments out of the wazoo. If I wanted to run screaming from here, I really couldn't. I have enough tethers to hold me to Alcoholics Anonymous then. I'm held here against my will sometimes,

but

that's the beauty of living on a spiritual basis is that spiritual basis takes you over. It talks about it. It talks about in the big book. It says that that the that the relationship that we have with our creator, that spiritual experience will become the center of our lives. And my life is such that that experience that that connection to God is the hub of the wheel that all the things that I have and all the things that I do

come from, and I love those things.

So that experience, that relationship with God is absolutely necessary to be and, and have what I have. I'm a hedonistic person. I like to feel good doing this, being here, sharing this, having this experience, living my life the way that I do, experiencing God the way that I do feels wonderful, better than I've ever felt in my life. And now I'm making a comparison. And I explain this to my sponsors all the time. Let's face it, sex is a great equalizer.

Most of us have had it,

Gay street, whatever it is, we've had it. We've had an experience with it. We can't understand it. It's a human nature sort of thing. And I explained the spiritual awakening as being something like an orgasm. You don't know, you know. It's like, it's like, you know. The idea is that you don't know. You don't know what you're missing until you've had it. It changes you. You're never the same.

That's what a spiritual awakening is,

and that's what I want. That's what I chase,

you know, And so I talked about being being struck and paralyzed by fear and coming up here and talking to you guys up here is not my favorite thing to do. My favorite thing is going to be in the back and do my thing and wear the shoulder, shoulder, yadda, yadda, yadda. You know, I don't necessarily like speaking. It's not something that I enjoy,

not because I don't like doing like you all, but because I'm a self-centered so, you know, alcoholic, insecure and I'm like, you know, my butts too big and what if I say they're the wrong thing? What if the F bomb flies out of my mouth? You know, things like that.

But

I have been given tools in this program to be able to do the things that I know that I need to do, even if it's something that I'm afraid to do. And then I begin to have that experience with that thing that I'm so much afraid of that it becomes such a joy and privilege. I was talking to somebody at my Home group a couple couple days ago and she was talking about how she resents that, you know, after being sober for 19 years, that she still has to go to meetings. And I'm like,

I get to go to meetings,

I get to have a relationship with a higher power. I get to sponsor. This is a privilege. I am somebody who nobody wanted to be around. They tried to kick me out of Alcoholics Anonymous. And thank God it failed. But it's, dude, AA was kind of like, you're a little too much for me, man. You know, you're a little annoying.