The North Shore Roundup in Vancouver, Canada
My
name
is
Joshua.
I'm
an
alcoholic.
Well,
I'm
glad
to
be
here.
Happy
non
denominational
religious
holiday.
I
I,
I,
I'm
not
really
I'm
glad
to
be
here.
I
love
the
city
like
you
care,
but
I've
I've
had
a
really
eventful
time
getting
here
just
immediately
from
the
plane
flight.
It
was
a
very
nice
direct
flight.
The
man
behind
me
vomited
on
me,
which
was
the
only
kind
of
like
in
flight
extra
that
I
wasn't
expecting.
And
I
mean,
it's
kind
of
one
of
those
very
clear
messages
to
me,
which
is,
you
know,
don't
be
drunk
and
fly
at
the
very
least.
And
then
I,
I
get
here
and
I'm,
I'm
probably
in
the
last
week
prior
to
coming
here,
I've
got
about
12
hours
of
sleep
because
of
some
stuff
that
had
been
going
on
with
my
family.
And
the
first
question
that
was
asked
of
me
was,
how
do
you
feel
about
speaking
tonight?
And
I
agreed,
of
course,
but
I
said
that
if
I
do
speak,
you're
probably
going
to
get
a
very
odd
message.
So
I'm
glad
I
didn't.
And
I
also
want
to
thank
the
committee
for
having
me
here,
Bill
and
Natasha.
Natasha
was
the
one
that
kind
of
found
me
in
Toronto.
And
the
way
she
did
it
is
she
called
Central
Office
to
look
for
me.
And
what
happened
is
I
just,
I
get
a
call
from
a
friend
and
they're
like,
Central
office
is
looking
for
you.
And
I
thought
to
myself,
damn,
it's
finally
happened.
I'm
getting
kicked
out
of
a
A,
but
thankfully
it
was
the
invitation
to
come
speak
here.
And
I,
I
want
to
thank
my
friend
Serena
for
speaking
on
Friday.
Really
like
in
terms
of
speaker
rotation,
she's
kind
of
a
hero
of
the
of
the
weekend.
And
but
I
kind
of
feel
that
everything
worked
out
really
like
perfectly
because
between
you
and
I,
I
am
much
more
spiritual
than
Serena
And,
and
frankly,
it
makes
much
more
sense
for
me
to
be
here
right
now.
And
I
want
to
thank
Katie,
who
is
not
here
for
speaking
last
night.
And
I
mean,
it's
been
there's
really
nothing
I
need
to
say
this
morning.
I'm
not
going
to
do
that
because
I'd
be
kind
of
a
waste.
But
and
it
was,
it
was
coolest
indicating.
And
I'm
really
glad
she
spoke
last
night
because
frankly,
I
think
I
would
have
lost
my
crap
if
that
like
light
show
was
going
on.
That
would
have
really
kind
of
thrown
me
off.
But
she
handled
it
quite
well.
And
the
message
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
has
been
very
clear.
And
I
like
that
she
was
is
to
kind
of
thank
me
for,
you
know,
quote,
UN
quote,
surrendering
Saturday
night.
But
frankly,
I
mean,
there,
there
is
no
like
surrendering
nights
or
anything.
I
do
this
a
little
bit
frequently.
I
to
this
day,
I'm
still
not
sure
why,
but
I
get
the
chance
to
attend
a
lot
of
conferences
and,
you
know,
it's
really
exciting.
I
don't
put
a
lot
of
weight
into
the
idea
that
I
personally
am
asked
to
speak
for
me.
It's
just
like
a
free
trip
somewhere
to
be
honest.
Like
that's
like
the
cool
thing
for
me
is
like
free
flying,
but
it's
kind
of
a
wonderful
opportunity
to
carry
the
message.
But
frankly,
you
know,
this
is
my
own
opinion,
but
I
think
that
speaking
is
probably
one
of
the
lowest
forms
of
service
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
mostly
because
it's
like
the
most
impersonal
way
that
I
can
carry
the
message.
And
the
books
pretty
clear
about
that.
I
mean,
it
talks
about
intensive
work
with
other
Alcoholics
and
just
one
alcoholic
talking
to
another.
It
doesn't
say
like
one
alcoholic
talking
to
thousands
of
people.
Now,
it's
a
cool
thing,
like
to
be
part
of
that.
I
make
no
mistake.
I'm
privileged
to
be
part
of
this,
and
I'm
privileged
if
anyone
ever
invites
me
to
do
anything
because
frankly,
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
the
only
place
that
it's
cool
that
I
spent
the
majority
of
my
life
screwing
up
royally.
Like,
this
is
the
only
organization
that
asked
me
to
come
share
that
with
you.
Like,
this
isn't
like
Mensa.
No
one's
like
asked
me,
hey,
come
tell
us
how
you
can
destroy
your
life
through
alcoholic
consumption.
And
like,
this
is
one
of
the
only
places
like
where
how
badly
I
messed
up
my
life
and
how
badly
I
screwed
people
over
is,
you
know,
to
a
degree
funny.
And
I,
I
love
the,
the
laughter
that
happens
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous
because
there
is
something
like
really
profound
about
the
fact
that
we
can
laugh.
And
it's
very
simplistic
in
the
sense
that
all
of
us
are
essentially
dying
from
a
terminal
disease.
I
mean,
there
is
no
cure
yet
for
alcoholism.
And
not
to
be
a
buzzkill
or
anything,
but
the
reality
also
is
that
a
significant
amount
of
us
will
die
that
horrible
alcoholic
death.
And
myself
included,
by
no
means
am
I
exempt
from
that
because
I
happen
to
be
standing
up
here
in
a
bow
tie
in
a
suit
speaking
to
you.
And
I
mean,
that's
kind
of
one
of
the
cold
realities
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
yet
somewhere
in
the
treatment
of
alcoholism,
we
get
to
laugh.
And
that's
a
pretty
cool
thing
because
by
the
time
I
came
in
here,
very
little
was
funny
to
me.
And
I
would
hear
people
laugh
and
I
would
wonder
why
it
was
that
you
were
laughing.
Like
what
was
so
funny?
And
the
strange
thing
was,
was
when
I
began
to
turn
my
will
in
my
life
over
to
this
thing
and
actually
start
doing
it,
I
began
to
see
where
the
human
relied.
And
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
I
mean,
truly,
laughter
is
a
form
of
identification.
So
if
you're
laughing
at
anything
we
say,
it's
possible
that
you're
identifying
with
us.
And
the
majority
of
us
here
are
Alcoholics,
which
may
mean
that
you
two
are
an
alcoholic.
There
might
be
like,
you
know,
family
members,
members
of
Al
Anon's
non
alcoholic
drunk
drivers,
but
for
the
most
part,
we
are
all
Alcoholics.
And
so
see,
the
good
news
is
this
is
that
here
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
we
have
a
solution
to
the
fact
that
you
are
suffering
from
a
complete
bankruptcy
in
regards
to
physical,
mental
and
spiritual
like
you
are
suffering
from
that.
We
have
a
a
solution
to
that.
The
bad
news
is
you
are
suffering
from
that
nonetheless.
And
I
was
at
the
the
history
panel
and
listening
to
kind
of
just
like
the
little
tidbits
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
for
myself,
I'm
very
fascinated
by
the
history
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I
mean,
if
you
ever
want
to
see
how
it
is
that
some
divine
intervention
happened
in
an
organization
that
is
the
history
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I
mean,
the
cofounders
of
this
program,
this
very
spiritual
program,
are
basically
a
street
hustler
and
a
butt
doctor.
Like
these
are
the
cofounders
of
our
spiritual
organization.
And
somewhere
in
the
the
meeting
place
of
these
two
men,
this
is
what
happened.
And
I
mean,
whatever
events
took
place
to
go
from
there
to
here,
that's
fascinating
stuff.
And
I
love
just
hearing
about
it.
And
and
frankly,
like,
you
know,
this
is
probably
one
of
the
greatest
times
in
in
the
history
of
the
world
to
get
sober
and
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
I
do
not
know
if
that's
true.
It
might
not
be
true.
But,
you
know,
if
you're
a
newcomer,
more
than
likely
you've
had
a
lot
of
bad
news
lately.
So
I'm
just
trying
to
give
you
a
glimmer
of
hope
that
yes,
this
is
a
great
time
to
get
sober.
I
like
I
said,
I'm
an
alcoholic.
My
sobriety
date
is
October
22nd,
1995,
which
means
I'm
a
little
over
13
years
sober,
which
is
impressive
if
you're
impressed
by
numbers
lower
than
14
and
greater
than
12.
My
my
Home
group
is
the
primary
purpose
group
in
Toronto.
If
you
ever
find
yourself
in
our
fair
city,
you
know
we
have
our
meeting
on
Monday
and
Wednesday.
Feel
free
to
look
me
up.
Like
tell
me
that
you're
coming
and
I'll
give
you
my
phone
number
and
I
have
a
sponsor.
His
name
is
Dan
F
and
I,
I
tell
you
that
simply
because
if
you're
new,
I
probably
have
your
attention
for
about
5
more
minutes.
And
some
of
the
stuff
that
is
going
to
help
you
stay
sober
before
you
have
come
to
find
that
higher
power
that
will
substitute
the
alcohol
in
your
life
that
currently
right
now
is
your
higher
power
is
that
I
came
in
here
and
I
surrender
to
the
idea
that
I
need
to
defer
my
will
to
something
greater
than
myself.
And
what
that
looked
like
is
I
found
a
man
who
sponsored
me.
I
found
a
group
that
I
can
be
accountable
to,
and
I
started
showing
up.
And
it
was
those
small
actions
that
propelled
me
into
what
would
eventually
become
the
transformation
that
happened
in
this
program.
So
if
you
knew,
that's
good
stuff
to
learn,
find
a
sponsor.
And
I've
come
from
the
lineage
of
sponsorship
that
it's
much
better
that
I
have
a
sponsor
that
doesn't
workout
that
well
than
me
try
to
sponsor
myself.
Like
just
pick
anybody.
And
the
criteria
that
I
use
to
pick
my
first
sponsor
was
he
had
an
Afro,
which
I
found
very
fascinating,
and
he
seemed
like
the
kind
of
guy
that
would
lend
me
money.
And
that
was
the
criteria
that
I
used
to
pick
my
sponsor.
And
fortunately,
even
with
this
very
spiritual
criteria,
I
found
a
guy
who
is
capable
of
transmitting
the
message
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
to
me
when
I
was
still
absolutely
insane.
And
that
is
a
Providence
of
grace
that
we
talked
about
in
this
program.
And
I
moved
to
Toronto
from
Southern
California
about
seven
years
ago.
I
got
silver
in
Southern
California.
My
original
Home
group
was
a
Pacific
group,
and
I
got
the
sponsor
in
Toronto.
Like
I
literally
just
picked
them
out.
And
he
ended
up
being
a
guy
that
had
also
gotten
sober
in
Los
Angeles
and
had
been
a
member
of
the
Pacific
group
at
the
same
time
I
was.
And
we
ended
up
knowing
a
lot
of
the
same
people.
And
more
or
less,
you
did
not
put
up
with
anything
from
me.
And
one
of
the
things
she
was
fond
of
saying
was
she
would
say,
like,
just
pretend
you're
a
newcomer.
And
I'd
been
an
alcoholic
long
enough
that
I
knew
what
the
appropriate
reply
was.
It
was
an
enthusiastically
say,
God,
gord,
that
sounds
like
a
great
idea.
I'll
do
that.
And
then
I
would
walk
away.
And
I'm
like,
that's
stupid.
You
pretend
you're
a
newcomer
board
and,
and
it
was
a
guy
that
for
whatever
reason
knew
the
messages
that
I
needed
to
hear
at
that
time.
So
my
own
recovery
has
been
contingent
on
having
a
sponsor.
You
know,
that's
just
my
own
recovery,
but
it's
been
contingent
on
having
a
sponsor.
And
the
other
thing
that
has
been
extremely
good
in
my
sobriety
is
to
have
some
type
of
meeting
that
I
am
accountable
to,
whether
it
be
in
my
Home
group
or
just
be
some
meeting
where
I
am
connected
to
the
fellowship
that
comes
to
that
meeting.
And
Katie,
when
she
was
speaking,
talked
about
meeting
sobriety.
And
I
know
meetings
of
bride,
like
you
go
to
the
meetings,
you
hear
what's
being
said,
you
filter
it
through
your
own
head,
It
never
comes
out
quite
right.
And
then
you
just
go
about
there
and
you
live
your
life.
And
the
problem
is,
if
you're
an
alcoholic
like
me,
that
is
not
powerful
enough
to
remove
the
obsession
to
drink
and
remove
the
insanity
that
is
inherently
within
my
mind
as
a
result
of
being
an
alcoholic.
Like
I
need
something
greater
than
just
the
meetings
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Now,
for
me,
it
is
entirely
necessary
that
I'm
a
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
one
of
the
requirements
for
me
to
do
that
is
to
attend
meetings
and
to
be
accountable
to
a
fellowship
and
be
part
of
a
spiritual
community.
That's
what
the
meeting
served
for
me.
But
just
coming
to
meetings
like
that's
never
done
me
good
enough.
Now,
if
it's
working
for
you,
I
don't
mean
to
insult
you
like
that's
awesome.
If
it
works
for
you,
that's
great.
It
just
it
never
really
worked
for
me.
And,
and,
you
know,
that's
the
things
that
in
a
very
simplistic
way
kept
me
sober
in
the
beginning.
I,
I
was
in
the
morning,
I
went
to
meet
some
friends.
And
one
of
the
cool
things
about
these
conferences
is
I've
got
to
know
a
lot
of
people
in
the
time
that
I've
been
sober.
I
probably
in
most
major
cities
in
North
America,
know
at
least
a
couple
people
in
this
program.
I
assure
that
it's
not
because
I'm
a
likable
person.
It's
just
that
at
some
point
in
time
in
my
sobriety,
I
came
to
the
realization
that
if
I
want
to
be
here
and
I
want
to
be
happy
and
sober
in
my
life,
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
more
or
less
my
best
shot
at
that.
And
so
I
turn
my
will
in
my
life
completely
over
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
that
was
the
end
result
of
it,
that
I
got
to
be
part
of
this
fellowship
in
a
way
that
I'd
never
understood.
And
I
know
a
lot
of
people.
And
the
cool
thing
about
coming
to
conferences
is
I'll
always
have
that
moment
during
the
conference
where
I'm
surrounded
by
people
that
I've
known
for
sometimes
a
very
short
time
or
sometimes
for
nearly
the
entire
time
I've
been
sober.
And
it
strikes
me,
dear
God,
we're
all
still
here
and
alive.
And
when
you've
had
that
experience,
like
that
is
an
incredible
experience
to
understand
that
people
like
us
are
still
here,
like
we're
still
alive
and
we're
still
happy
to
be
that
way.
Because
most
of
my
friends
and
most
of
the
collective
people
that
I
know
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
that
does
not
happen.
Like,
it
honestly
does
not
happen.
If
you
want
to
know
what
I'm
talking
about,
go
walk
down
Hastings
and
Maine.
And
you
can
see
how
that
does
not
happen
for
people
like
us.
And
so
I
walked
to
Gastown
this
morning
and,
you
know,
I
stared
across
the
water
because
what
kind
of
spiritual
speaker
would
I
be
if
I
didn't
stare
longingly
across
the
water?
And.
And
then
I,
I
met
up
with
some
friends
and
we
were
talking
and
we
were
just
kind
of
talking
about
my
family.
I
like
talking
about
my
family.
I
forgot
to
also
mention
I
was
19
years
old
when
I
got
sober.
And
I'm
incredibly
grateful
that
I
got
sober
at
that
young
age.
If
you're
young
and
you're
sober,
this
is
honestly
the
best
thing
that
has
ever
happened
to
me
in
my
entire
life.
Like
honestly,
being
a
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
more
than
likely
will
be
the
greatest
feat
that
I
do
for
my
entire
life.
And
if
and
if
you're
young
and
like
that
sounds
really
dumb,
I
understand.
Like
I
totally
understand.
And
what
I
would
simply
say
is
this.
I
consider
myself
at
least
a
semi
intelligent
person.
And
if
in
the
last
13
1/2
years
of
me
being
a
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
if
there
is
nothing
here,
like
if
you
honestly
had
nothing
to
offer
me,
I
kind
of
think
that
I
would
have
figured
it
out
in
13
1/2
years.
Like,
I
honestly
think
that
I
would
have
figured
that
out
in
13
1/2
years.
Like
maybe
in
the
fourth
year.
I
thought,
you
know
what,
you
guys
actually
have
nothing
to
offer.
But
I
never
found
that
out.
Like,
that's
never
been
the
truth
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
for
me.
So
if
you're
young
and
you're
sober,
again,
this
is
the
best
thing
you
can
possibly
do
if
you
are
an
alcoholic.
And
I
was
sitting
with
my
friends
and
we
were
talking
about
my
family
and
I
like
talking
about
my
family.
My
family
is
kind
of
crazy.
My
parents
are
wonderful
people.
Like
honestly,
just
wonderful
people.
I
was
born
in
the
Philippines.
I
was
born
to
a
very
affluent
family.
There's
a
bit
of
an
accident
that
accident
meet
being
me
born.
My
mother
was
16
years
old.
She
was
an
intravenous
drug
user.
My
father
was
16
years
old.
He
was
also
an
intravenous
drug
user.
In
the
Filipino
culture,
when
you
are
politically
connected,
it's
kind
of
not
cool
to
not
only
be
a
heroin
user,
but
to
have
a
baby
out
of
wedlock.
And
so
I
was
very
quickly
put
up
for
adoption
and
my
parents
adopted
me.
For
lack
of
better
words,
the
two
people
that
adopted
me
were
white
people,
and
they
adopted
me
and
expedited
me
to
the
United
States
of
America.
And
on
top
of
adopting
me,
they
also
adopted
five
other
Asian
children.
So
in
conjunction
with
being
incredible
people,
they
also
had
something
of
an
Asian
fetish.
And,
and
my
parents,
my
parents
are
both
my
father's
in
his
mid
60s.
My
mom
is
either,
oh
God,
she's
going
to
be
60
on
the
15th.
So
my
parents
are
in
their
60s
and
they're
one
of
those
people
where
the
older
they
get,
the
more
interesting
their
lives
get.
My
father's
done
well
fairly
financially.
He's
now
in
a
position
in
his
life
where
he's
thinking
about
retirement.
They
basically
run
these
like
extreme
marathons
and
together
and
they're
obnoxiously
in
love
with
each
other.
And
you
know,
that's
my
family
and
they
raised
us
with
good
God
fearing
like
values.
And
for
whatever
reason,
I
was
the
only
kid
that
it
just
did
not
take
with,
for
example,
one
of
my
sisters,
She's
like
a
first
grade
teacher
in
the
community.
She
has
kids,
she's
married.
She's
like
an
upstanding
member
in
her
community.
You
know,
my
brothers
are
doing
well.
And
the
sister
that
is
most
like
me,
her
rebellion
was
to
become
a
a
professor
at
a
Southern
California
university
and
teach
liberal
sociology.
That
was
her
rebellion.
Mine
was
to
sell
crack
cocaine
and
become
homeless.
And
this
is
the
system
that
was
most
like
me.
And
so
I
mean
it.
It
shows
the
contrast
of
whatever
happened
in
my
family,
like
things
just
did
not
sit
well
with
me.
It
just
never
quite
took.
I
was
always
a
little
bit
different.
And
what
I've
come
to
find
is,
you
know,
for
the
time
I've
been
here,
most
Alcoholics
talk
about
feeling
different.
Frankly,
you
know,
I,
I
do
talk
to
other
people
who
are
not
Alcoholics
and
a
lot
of
people
just
feel
different.
Like
it's
kind
of
the
human
condition
to
feel
different.
We
tend
to
treat
our
differences
with
very
odd
logic.
But
a
lot
of
people
do
feel
different.
One
of
the
exceptions
for
me
is
when
I
drink,
I
don't
feel
different.
That
does
not
happen
for
the
general
populace.
Not
everyone
feels
that
way
when
they
immediately
take
a
drink
or
more
ever
when
I
just
think
about
drinking,
I
stop
feeling
quite
so
different.
Also,
I
like
to
say
if
you
haven't
yet
already,
notice
I
talk
kind
of
fast.
This
is
not
because
I'm
nervous,
I
it's
because
my
head
moves
very
quickly.
Like
my
thoughts
just
move
very
rapidly.
I
assure
you
this
is
not
because
I'm
intelligent.
Most
of
my
thoughts
revolve
around
elaborate
disguises
I
can
wear
in
candy.
They
just
happen
to
move
very
quickly.
When
I
was
talking
to
my
first
sponsor,
I
was
telling
them
about
like,
my
heyday
of
drinking
and
using.
And
at
a
point
in
time
I
was
homeless
in
Seattle.
And
what
I
had
done
was
I'd
stolen
a
blank
doctor's
prescription
script
and
was
filling
out
these
bogus
prescriptions
and
going
all
over
the
town
and
getting
this
prescription
medication.
If
you're
new,
that
doesn't
work
anymore,
so
don't
try
it.
And
my
favorite
particular
combination
was
things
like
Demerol,
methamphetamines,
and
Jack
Daniels.
Essentially
what
that
does
is
it
makes
you
say
a
lot
of
stupid
things
very
quickly.
When
I
told
my
sponsor
about
that,
he
told
me
that
unfortunately,
that
seems
to
not
be
permanent
with
me,
so
I
apologize
in
advance.
So
here
I
am
at
a
young
age.
I
feel
different,
such
as,
hey,
why
are
your
parents
white
and
you're
not?
So
comments
like
that
made
me
feel
a
little
bit
different.
And
I
treated
my,
you
know,
my
differences
with
odd
means.
I
was
a
very
precocious
child.
None
of
my
child
died.
Paris
therapists
used
that
word
to
describe
me,
that
they
used
things
like
obsessive
and
narcissistic.
But
some
of
the
things
that
I
like
to
do.
When
I
entered
a
room,
it
was
incredibly
important
for
me
to
lick
my
finger
and
touch
adults
on
their
bare
skin.
It
was
also
important
that
they
didn't
see
me
do
this.
I
also
immediately
took
mental
inventory
of
all
the
metal
objects
in
the
room.
If
I
had
time,
I
would
also
lick
my
finger
and
touch
them,
but
that
wasn't
necessarily
necessary.
And
I
often
like
to
conduct
experiments
with
electricity
in
my
own
urine.
And
So
what
had
occurred
is
prior
to
ever
taking
my
first
drink,
I
was
in
dire
need
of
some
sort
of
treatment
to
the
condition
that
I
was
suffering
from.
And
that
condition
was
just
simply
my
own
self
centeredness.
One
of
my
favorite
toys
when
I
was
growing
up
was
this
matchbox
set.
It
was
a
series
of
like
plastic
tracks
that
you
kind
of
assemble
in
this
intricate
set
of
tracks.
And
it
was
a
little
metal
box.
And
you
throw
the
matchbox
car
in
that
box
that
had
a
crank
on
the
side.
And
you
would
turn
that
crank.
And
as
you
turn
the
crank,
the
wheels
on
the
toy
car
would
start
spinning.
And
when
you
pulled
open
the
gate,
the
car
would
just
take
off.
And
that
was
my
brain
prior
to
take,
you
know,
drinking
alcohol.
And
the
magic
for
alcohol
is
when
I
took
my
first
drink,
it
was
like
that
gate
had
been
lifted
and
I
hit
the
tracks
running.
And
that's
what
it
was
like
for
me.
And
my
first
drink
at
the
age
of
10
years
old
was
very
appropriately
vodka
and
Kool-aid.
I
I
had
got
invited
to
that
epic
party
as
a
youth.
And
what
time
is
it?
And
some
of
you
may
have
been
there
as
a
Dan
Dustin's
house.
And
we
were
drinking
vodka
and
kool-aid
and
we
were
shooting
fireworks
and
cars,
which
in
the
state
of
Colorado
is
illegal.
And
so
the
cops
started
chasing
us,
which
I
felt
was
an
overreaction
but
kind
of
fun.
And
they,
they
cornered
us
in
a
Creek
and
they
surrounded
us
all
two
of
the
cops.
And
they
started
asking
us
our
names.
And
now
my
friends
were
visibly
shaken
up
by
this
because
we
all
seem
we
were
going
to
jail
because
that's
the
logical
idea
of
cops
showing
up.
You're
going
to
jail
even
though
10
years
old
and
all
of
my
friends
are
shaking
up.
And
as
soon
as
a
cop
would
ask
one
of
my
friend's
name,
they
give
it
up
willingly.
And
when
the
cop
got
to
me,
for
the
first
time
in
my
life,
I
felt
the
effects
of
alcohol.
And
normally
in
a
position
like
this,
my
blood
would
run
cold
and
I'd
be
absolutely
paralyzed
by
fear.
If
there
was
ever
a
description
of
what
it
was
like
for
me
growing
up,
it
was
be
paralyzed
by
fear.
I
didn't
know
it
at
that
time,
but
I
was
absolutely
paralyzed
by
fear.
It
was
like
I
would
wake
up
and
a
voice
would
start
in
my
head,
hey,
what
you
be
afraid
of
today?
And
that
was
like,
you
know
what
I
woke
up
with
every
morning?
And
when
the
alcohol
hit
me,
it
was
like
my
blood
caught
on
fire.
And
the
cop
turned
to
me
and
said,
son,
what's
your
name?
I
said,
Sir,
my
name
is
Richard
Head.
And
he
kind
of
cocked
his
eye
and
said,
son,
are
you
trying
to
tell
me
that
your
name
is
Dickhead?
And
I
said,
well,
Sir,
I've
always
preferred
Richard.
And
the
cops
kind
of
turn
to
each
other
and
laughed.
And
they
let
us
go.
Now,
more
than
likely
they
were
going
to
let
us
go.
But
as
me
and
my
friends
stumbled
away,
we
were
convinced
that
we
had
just
escaped
inevitable
incarceration
because
of
what
I
had
just
done.
And
they
were
patting
me
on
the
back
and
telling
me
that
that
was
the
most
awesome
thing
that
they'd
ever
seen.
And
I
knew
it.
I
mean,
I
knew
to
the
depths
of
my
soul
that
that
was
the
most
awesome
thing
they
would
ever
see
ever.
Like
for
me,
that
was
my
first
kind
of
spiritual
booyah.
It
was
like
God
himself
had
come
down
and
give
me
a
high
five.
That's
what
that
felt
like.
And
when
I
came
into
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
one
of
the
things
that
allowed
me
to
stay
here
was
the
intentional
verbiage
that
you
guys
use
to
describe
the
spiritual
experience.
Because
every
time
you
would
talk
about
that
psychic
change
or
that
spiritual
experience
that
we
talking
about
our
literature,
it
would
be
the
best
descriptor
of
what
it
was
like
for
me
to
drink
alcohol
when
it
still
worked
in
my
life.
For
example,
the
definition
we
use
for
the
psychic
change
or
the
spiritual
experience
is
a
profound
alteration
in
the
way
that
we
react
to
life,
a
profound
alteration
in
the
way
that
we
react
to
life.
That
sounds
a
lot
of
what
it
was
like
to
drink
alcohol
when
it
was
working
for
me.
That
is
perhaps
the
best
definition
of
the
effect
of
alcohol
on
me
when
it
worked,
A
profound
alteration
in
the
way
that
I
reacted
to
life.
And
to
this
day,
nothing
has
ever
substituted
that
power
in
my
life.
Nothing
quite
worked
for
me
like
the
alcohol
did,
except
for
the
heroin,
the
crack,
OK,
and
the
marijuana
and
all
that
other
stuff
I
did.
But
nonetheless,
nothing
else
in
my
life
was
capable
of
enacting
that
instantaneous
transformation
in
the
way
that
I
perceive
you.
Nothing
acted
like
that.
And
that's
probably
one
of
the
things
that
makes
me
an
alcoholic,
is
a
way
that
the
alcohol
affected
me
so
instantaneously,
the
way
it
changed
my
perception
and
the
willingness
that
I
would
go
through
intentionally
or
not
intentionally
to
chase
that
effect.
And
that's
basically
the
story
of
my
alcoholism
was
a
pursuit
of
that
effect,
regardless
of
what
happened
to
me,
the
great
sacrifices
I
would
make
in
my
life
to
chase
that
effect
that
I
had
when
I
was
10
years
old.
And
when
we
come
in
here,
these
descriptors
to
say
you
were
grandiose
and
immature,
which
all
of
us
are
very
offended
by.
For
example,
for
me,
just
because
I
had
spent
a
large
portion
of
my
life
pursuing
a
moment
that
I
had
when
I
was
10
years
old
did
not
make
me
grandiose
and
immature.
I
am
just
a
little
more
nostalgic
than
the
average
person.
And
what
happened
for
me
is
perhaps
because
of
genetics,
perhaps
because
of
whatever,
I
went
downhill
very
quickly.
And
at
17
years
old,
I
had
been
at
that
point
drinking
for
seven
years.
I
was
serving
A2
year
incarceration
in
a
state
institution.
I
was
at
that
time
in
solitary
confinement
for
what
would
be
three
months
and
both
my
eyes
were
black,
my
knuckles
were
broken
and
my
nose
was
broken.
And
I
was
there
for
what
the
state
was
calling
Grand
Theft
Auto
and
a
flight
from
a
state
appointed
institution
which
is
illegal,
and
in
the
midst
of
getting
my
ass
kicked
by
the
counselor
in
there
because
I
was
refusing
to
stand
a
merit,
which
was
what
they
call
it.
When
you're
in
solitary
confinement
in
this
institution,
the
only
thing
you
have
to
do
is
spend
8
hours
standing
against
the
wall.
Now,
that
seems
like
a
simple
request,
but
I
refuse
to
do
it
because
I'm
defiant.
And
the
councillors,
in
their
spiritual
way
of
trying
to
convince
me
we're
beating
me
in
and
out
of
consciousness.
And
I
had
this
moment
of
clarity,
you
know?
You
know,
that
moment
of
clarity
you
have
when
you're
suddenly
like,
hey,
how'd
this
happen?
And
that
was
the
moment
of
clarity
that
I
had.
And
in
that
moment,
I
suddenly
realized
that
things,
at
some
point
in
time,
taking
a
turn
that
I
had
never
quite
predicted.
And
I
want
to
tell
you
about
what
it
is
that
led
me
into
that
institution.
By
the
time
I
was
16
years
old,
I
felt
that
the
only
way
out
of
my
lifestyle,
suicide.
I
absolutely
hated
myself.
I
was
quite
literally
at
this
time
a
daily,
daily
drinker
and
a
daily
drug
user.
I
could
not
get
out
of
my
lifestyle
and
I
had
no
idea
why
I
was
doing
the
things
that
I
was
doing
and
so
I
attempted
suicide.
One
of
the
common
factors
that
I
find
in
most
Alcoholics
is
by
the
time
we
get
here,
we
hate
ourselves.
I
don't
know
quite
why
that
is,
but
one
of
the
things
that
I
pay
very
close
attention
to
is
that
we
say
that
S
centeredness
is
the
root
of
our
problems.
And
what
I
try
to
remember
is
by
the
time
I
came
to
this
program,
I
was
suffering
from
a
form
of
South
centers
so
severe
that
it
was
quite
literally
killing
me.
And
that's
a
very
serious
thing
because
there's
very
few
other
illnesses
out
there
that
are
affected
by
Southcenterness
in
the
way
that
alcoholism
does.
And
I
think
the
fact
that
I
hated
myself
so
badly
that
suicide
would
become
an
alternative
viability
at
the
age
of
has
something
to
do
when
we
say
S
centeredness
is
a
root
of
all
of
our
problems.
And
when
I
told
my
first
sponsor
the
details
of
the
suicide
attempt,
he
told
me
that
God
forbid
if
I
ever
give
the
chance
to
share
my
story
in
an
audience,
that
I
relay
the
details
of
the
suicide
attempt
back
verbatim
because
he
felt
it
was
a
wonderful
example
of
God
working
in
my
life
at
a
time
that
I
did
not
believe
in
God
and
nor
would
have
wanted
him
to
work
in
my
life.
And
what
happened
is
I
tried
to
kill
myself
through
carbon
monoxide
poisoning.
I'd
stolen
a
van,
stolen
a
hose,
put
it
into
the
exhaust,
looped
it
back
into
the
van,
sat
back,
turned
on
the
van
and
waited
to
die.
And
I
remember
as
a
fumes
from
the
carbon
monoxide
began
to
creep
into
the
interior
of
the
van
and
I
began
to
lose
consciousness.
For
the
first
time
in
my
life,
I
felt
a
sense
of
peace
and
serenity
that
I
had
never
felt
before.
And
it's
my
understanding
that
you
can
only
feel
that
way
living
the
way
that
I
was
living
if
you've
completely
lost
the
ability
to
hope
and
dream.
And
that
was
my
life
at
the
age
of
16,
when
the
alcohol
was
still
working.
And
when
I
came
into
this
program
and
I
began
to
read
your
literature,
there's
a
particular
line
that
jumped
out
at
me.
And
it
was
painful,
incomprehensible
demoralization.
And
at
one
point
in
time,
when
I
was
starting
to
kill
myself,
I
came
to
and
realized
that
I
wasn't
dead.
So
I
took
the
hose
off
the
floor
of
the
van,
put
it
directly
into
my
mouth,
sucking
off
it
in
the
hopes
it
would
kill
me
faster.
And
again,
that
was
my
life
at
the
age
of
16,
when
the
alcohol
was
still
still
working.
And
he
intimately
what
painful,
incomprehensible
demoralization
was
I
could
not
get
out
of
here
fast
enough.
And
what
happened
is
I
had
parked
this
van
and
what
I
thought
was
an
abandoned
business
complex.
I
was
wrong.
Much
like
a
lot
of
things
in
my
life,
I
was
wrong.
And
this
group
of
people
came
into
work
for
their
first
working
lives
ever
on
a
Sunday.
They
went
into
the
front.
This
one
guy
was
late.
He
came
in
through
the
back.
He
said
as
he
was
opening
the
door,
he
looked
over,
saw
the
van,
and
had
a
strange
feeling
come
over
him.
So
he
came
over
to
investigate.
Very
quickly
he
found
me
and
realized
what
I
was
doing,
turned
off
the
van
and
dragged
me
into
the
office.
I
was
in
and
out
of
consciousness
at
that
time
and
I
really
don't
remember
that
much,
with
the
exception
that
I
remember
quite
clearly
that
the
guy
who
found
me
at
some
point
in
time
telling
me
that
he
believed
that
God
sometimes
gives
us
the
opportunity
to
write
what
was
once
wrong
and
that
years
ago
his
brother
had
committed
suicide.
I
was
still
pretty
pissed
off
that
they'd
screwed
up
my
own
suicide
attempt.
So
the
the
kind
of
went
over
my
head.
But
years
later
when
I
would
find
myself
as
a
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
being
sponsored
by
a
guy
who
knew
how
to
work
these
these
steps,
I
would
be
asked
to
make
amends
to
these
people.
And
I
would
remember
him
saying
that
to
me.
I
remember
my
father
walking
in
with
the
paramedics
and
he
was
crying.
And
I'd
always
pictured
my
father's
as
kind
of
very
emotionless,
stoic
person.
I
never
actually
seen
him
cry.
And
I
remember
as
I
saw
him
do
it,
I
absolutely
despise
myself.
I
could
not
have
hated
myself
anymore
in
that
moment.
And
I
wanted
more
than
anything
to
either
be
dead
or
drunk.
And
I
say
that
because
at
the
time
that
I
made
the
decision
to
kill
myself,
I
was
stone
cold
sober.
The
reason
that's
important
is
because
for
the
13
1/2
years
that
I
have
been
sober,
I
have
basically
found
two
alternatives
to
active
alcoholism.
The
1st
is
dying,
because
obviously
dying
shuts
off
this
disease.
And
the
other
is
this.
Now
I
know,
and
it
says
in
our
big
book
that
we
do
not
have
a
monopoly
on
recovery.
This
isn't
necessarily
the
only
way
to
get
sober,
but
for
me,
it's
been
the
only
way.
And
if
you've
reached
a
point
in
your
life
and
you
are
at
that
jumping
off
point
where
the
only
viable
alternatives
in
your
life,
I
other
are
either
killing
yourself
or
becoming
a
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
that
is
a
really,
really
difficult
decision
for
you.
We
understand.
We,
I
mean,
we
really
understand
that.
And
when
I
got
came
into
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
some
of
the
impetus
of
me
getting
sobers,
I
was
convinced
that
the
shared
pain
and
misery
of
being
sober
in
a
a
would
give
me
the,
you
know,
the
courage
to
kill
myself.
And
that
was
partially
why
I
got
sober.
And
I
used
to
think
that's
a
horrible
reason
to
get
sober.
But
what
I've
come
to
find
is
that's
probably
one
of
the
best
reasons
and
probably
one
of
the
most
common
reasons
that
Alcoholics
of
our
variety
try
to
get
sober
because
the
only
other
alternative
is
death.
And
that's
actually
seeming
like
a
pretty
cool
deal.
And
what
happened
is
I
was
rushed
to
the
hospital
and
the
doctors
tried
to
explain
what
I
had
done
to
myself.
They
said
an
average
human
would
have
a
carbon
dioxide
level
of
a
two
or
three.
When
I
came
in,
my
level
was
at
a
30.
And
they
said
I
was
quite
literally
away
from
dying.
There's
no
logical
reason
why
I'm
still
alive.
And
I,
I,
I
like
to
believe
that
I'm
somewhat
on
borrowed
time.
And
the
reason
I
like
this
particular
story
in
this
fellowship
is
by
no
means
is
that
an
uncommon
story.
I'm
pretty
convinced
that
each
and
every
single
one
of
us
can
think
back
at
a
time
as
to
why
there's
no
logical
reason
why
you
should
be
so
fortunate
to
be
sitting
here
this
afternoon
sober
and
alive.
And
see,
that
is
a
great
Providence
of
grace
that
lies
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
there
is
no
reason
why
any
of
us
should
be
here
like
sober
and
alive.
I
mean,
it
just
doesn't
happen
for
people
like
us.
And
I
try
to
remember
that
on
a
daily
basis
because
I
have
deep
fears
of
what
would
happen
if
I
forgot
about
that.
And
so
my
parents
realized
that
if
they
didn't
do
something
drastic,
I
would.
I
would
kill
myself.
And
that's
how
I
ended
up
in
that
institution.
I
was
released
by
the
time
I
was
18
years
old.
And
I
really
identified
with
Katie
when
she
said
that
she
cheated
her
way
through
high
school.
I
also
cheated
my
way
through
high
school.
By
the
time
I
was
16,
I
was
also
asked
by
the
state
to
stop
using
computers
because
of
some
of
the
things
that
I
was
doing,
which
were
apparently
illegal.
During
the
time
that
I
was
institutionalized
by
the
state.
I
took
it
upon
myself
to
hack
into
the
school
mainframe,
and
as
a
result,
I
graduated
high
school
with
a
3.56
GPA,
which
to
this
day
I'm
still
pretty
damn
proud
of.
Unfortunately,
like
Katie,
the
problem
is
I
never
got
an
education.
I
told
my
sponsor
that
when
I
was
doing
my
amends,
and
he
said,
you
know,
in
some
way
you
have
to
actually
make
amends
for
that.
So
I
called
up
someone
that
was
affiliated
with
the
institution
that
I
was
in
and
told
him
what
I
had
done.
After
a
moment's
pause,
he
said
to
me,
you
know,
I
figure
if
you're
smart
enough
to
do
that,
you
probably
could
have
graduated
high
school
anyway.
Good
luck
in
college.
And,
and,
and,
you
know,
I
had
been
in
the
continuous
process
of
trying
to
rectify
my
academic
situation
and
trying
to
seek
a
higher
education.
And,
you
know,
that's
been
a
wonderful
part
of
my
own
recovery.
So
what
happened
is
I
was
released
when
I
was
18
years
old.
I
was
completely
psychotic.
The
place
that
I
had
been
institutionalized
in
had
been
on
and
off
shut
down
by
child
protection
agencies
because
of
the
rampant
accusations
of
physical
and
sexual
abuse.
And
I
was
absolutely
psychotic
by
the
time
I
was
released
at
18
years
old.
And
I
could
not
kill
myself
fast
enough.
And
through
a
series
of
poor
timing
and
bad
luck,
I
found
myself
homeless
in
Seattle,
sit
in
the
car
next
to
a
guy
that
I
would
have
been
convinced
with
my
friend
moments
before.
He
was
pressing
the
cold
steel
of
a
gun
against
my
head,
threatening
to
kill
me.
And
I
knew
he
wouldn't,
or
he
would.
I
had
liberated
some
product
from
him,
and
he
was
not
taking
kindly
to
that.
And
in
the
moment
that
he
was
pressing
the
gun
against
my
head
and
threatening
to
kill
me,
the
thoughts
that
were
going
through
my
head
were
please
just
pull
the
trigger,
Please
just
pull
the
trigger.
I
hate
myself.
I,
I
don't
know
why
it
is
that
I
do
the
things
that
I
do
when
I
wake
up
and
I
see
the
sunlight
coming
in
through
the
crack
of
the
corrugated
steel
that
is
covering
the
dumpster
that
I
am
not
living
in.
And
I
wander
the
streets
of
Seattle
and
I'm
fortunate
enough
to
catch
a
reflection
of
myself
in
a
storefront
window.
I
cringe
and
discuss
with
the
fact
that
I
lacked
a
courage
to
blow
my
own
head
off.
Please
just
pull
the
trigger.
And
that's
what
I
was
thinking.
And
at
the
exact
same
time
that
I
was
thinking
that
the
other
thought
that
was
running
through
my
head
was
I
wonder
if
I
can
pop
the
door
handle
and
roll
out
of
the
car
before
he
pull
the
trigger.
And
see,
that
is
a
great
dilemma
of
my
alcoholism.
I
lack
the
power
to
propel
my
life
in
any
direction
that
seems
to
lead
in
any
sort
of
positive
way.
I
lack
power.
And
it
says
in
our
literature,
it's
one
of
the
most
spiritual
lines
probably
in
the
world.
Lack
of
power
was
our
dilemma.
And
see,
that's
why
the
alcohol
was
so
important
in
my
life.
That
was
my
power.
And
for
a
very
long
time
it
worked.
Well,
actually
not
that
long.
I
got
sober
when
I
was
19
years
old,
but
for
a
very
long
time
at
the
age
of
19,
it
works.
And,
and
I
heard
Serena
years
ago
at
Young
People's
Conference,
and
she
said
something
that
has
sat
with
me
ever
since
I
heard
her.
And
I'm
going
to
paraphrase
this.
So
I'm
sorry,
Serena,
if
it's
not
what
you
said.
By
the
way,
that
was
a
really
good
talk
years
ago.
But
what
she
said
is
she's
not
sure
if
the
planets
and
the
stars
will
ever
line
in
such
a
way
that
will
compel
her
to,
against
all
odds
and
against
her
better
judgment,
want
to
get
sober.
Because
why
is
it
the
people
like
us
suddenly
want
to
get
sober?
I
mean,
our
lives
are
bad,
but
my
life
had
been
bad
for
a
long
time.
Why
is
it
that
I
suddenly
want
to
get
sober?
Why
is
it
that
I
suddenly
understand
there
might
be
a
problem
with
the
way
I
drink?
Why
is
it
that
I've
suddenly
surrendered
to
the
idea
that
I
need
to
let
go
of
alcohol
if
I
want
what
I
don't
have?
Why
does
that
happen?
Like,
I
honestly
don't
know.
And
I'm
not
willing
to
chance
that.
Because
it
finally
happened
to
me
and
I
hit
bottom.
And
my
bottom
was
simply
the
painful,
undeniable
realization
that
I
was
not
who
I
thought
I
was.
And
what
happened
for
me
is
the
alcohol
and
the
drugs
ceased
to
work
in
my
life
in
the
way
that
they
used
to
in
as
much.
So
no
matter
how
drunk
I
got,
I
knew
exactly
who
I
was,
exactly
where
I
was
going.
And
for
some
ungodly
reason,
I
was
no
longer
OK
with
that.
And
the
alcohol
had
ceased
to
work
in
my
life
in
the
way
that
it
used
to.
That
was
my
bottom.
And
if
you're
here
in
this
program,
my
guess
is
you've
had
something
very
similar
to
that.
That
moment
when
you
suddenly
realize
what
that
gut
wrenching
awareness,
that
hyper
awareness
that
happens
to
us.
This
isn't
working.
And
if
I
run,
I
have
nowhere
else
to
go.
Why
does
that
happen?
We
talk
a
lot
about
spirituality
and
we
talk
a
lot
about
the
Providence
of
God
and
we
talk
a
lot
about
faith
and
grace.
I
don't
know
why
that
happened
for
me.
And
like
my
whole
deal
is,
I'm
not
willing
to
question
that
enough
to
find
out
if
it
will
ever
happen
again.
Now,
I
understand
that
one
of
the
common
experiences
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
to
come
in
and
out
of
this
program.
I
did
not
stay
sober
from
the
first
meeting
that
I
came
in
here,
but
I
caught
the
message
fairly.
By
the
age
of
19,
I
had
quite
literally
lost
everything.
And
now
granted,
at
the
age
of
19,
it's
really
not
that
hard
to
lose
everything.
But
nonetheless,
I
had
lost
everything.
And
I
had
arrived
to
that
point
where
I
was
willing
to
surrender
to
somebody
else
to
see
if
I
could
get
something
that
I've
never
had.
And
that
was
happy
sobriety.
And
that
eventually
led
me
into
working
the
steps
now
one
of
the
most
effective
way.
What
time
do
I
stop?
You
really
shouldn't
say
that.
One
of
the
the
most
effective
ways
that
I
found
to
talk
about
my
own
recovery
is
to
talk
about
all
12
steps
and
how
they've
applied
to
my
life.
Now
granted,
this
is
only
my
only
experience
and
quite
often
it's
a
little
bit
of
my
own
opinion.
I
inherently
distrust
any
alcoholic
that
gets
up
to
the
podium
and
says
I'm
not
going
to
talk
about
my
opinion
at
all
for
the
entire
time.
Like
I
think
that's
impossible
for
most
Alcoholics.
If
opinions
were
a
source
of
power
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous
alone,
we
would
be
capable
of,
you
know,
generating
enough
energy
to
power
a
small
planet
for
like
5.3
billion
years.
So
like,
honestly
I
lack
the
ability
to
not
share
my
opinion
after
about
5
minutes.
Now
what
I'm
going
to
try
to
do
is
be
quite
clear
when
I
am
stating
my
opinion
and
also
try
to
base
it
only
on
my
own
experiences.
I
say
that
for
this
reason,
if
you
have
not
yet
had
an
experience
with
those
12
steps
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
I
really
encourage
you
to
find
your
own
because
if
there's
anything
in
here,
that's
what
we
have,
The
12
steps
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
this
fellowship
is
incredible,
absolutely
incredible.
These
meetings
are
incredible.
These
conferences
are
incredible.
But
if
we
didn't
have
something
real,
something
spiritual
to
back
them
up,
then
this
conference
would
just
be
a
show.
I
mean,
it
would
quite
literally
just
be
kind
of
like
a
concert
or
entertainment.
And
for
some
people
it
is,
and
that's
cool.
But
I
think
there's
something
much
deeper
and
much
more
substance
that
lies
in
here.
And
I
believe
that's
the
12
steps
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Before
I
talk
about
those,
I
just
want
to
make
a
quick
mention
of
the
traditions.
You
know
the
best
kept
secret
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I
I
like
the
traditions.
You
always
get
to
this
point
in
sobriety
where
it
becomes
cool
to
say
I
like
the
traditions.
Like,
as
if
they're
better
than
the
steps.
I
like
the
traditions.
They're
more
important
than
the
steps.
Anyway,
I
started
discovering
a
bit
about
the
traditions.
One
of
the
ways
I
did
this
is
as
a
form
of
amends
to,
I
guess,
old
people.
I
had
to
drive
circuit
speakers
around
in
Los
Angeles
that
were
too
old
to
drive
themselves
to
the
meetings
that
they
were
speaking
at.
This
one
lady
that
I
often
drove
around
with
the
name
was
a
lady
by
the
name
of
Marie.
She
had
55
plus
years
of
sobriety
at
that
time.
I
don't
know
if
she's
still
alive,
but
she
was
around
when
Bill
W
was
still
alive.
And
she
went
to
meetings
before
the
traditions
have
been
fully
instated.
They
existed.
They
just
yet
haven't
taken
root
in
the
meetings.
And
she
would
tell
me
about
Alcoholics
Anonymous
prior
to
these
traditions
really
existing.
And
unbeknownst
to
me,
this
program
was
not
the
all
inclusive
place
that
it
is
today.
It
used
to
be
highly
exclusive.
There
are
meetings
that
were
segregated
by
race.
There
are
meetings
that
were
segregated
by
sexual
orientation,
there
are
meetings
that
were
segregated
by
business
affiliation,
by
religion,
by
you
name
it,
a
lot
of
variables
that
were
often
quite
out
of
control
of
the
members
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
Bill
W
and
some
of
the
other
founders
realized
in
their
wisdom
that
if
something
wasn't
done,
we
would
die.
Because
if
Alcoholics
could
not
at
the
very
least
be
exposed
to
this
message
to
the
meetings,
our
lifeblood
would
run
cold.
And
so
they
came
up
with
the
traditions.
And
these
are
the
things
that
I
believe
protect
our
fellowship
from
ourselves,
from
our
own
S
centered
interests
that
exist
even
after
working
the
steps
and
finding
a
spiritual
way
of
life.
And
I
like
to
think
about
the
primary
purpose
of
carrying
the
message
to
the
other
alcoholic.
This
is
one
of
the
most
powerful
things
in
my
spiritual
toolbox.
It
is
one
of
the
reasons
that
meetings
work
in
my
life.
See,
what
I've
come
to
find
is
after
13
years
of
sobriety,
often
a
lot
of
my
problems
reside
solely
in
my
head.
Literally
my
problems
reside
in
my
head,
like
just
what
I'm
thinking
of.
That's
my
problem.
And
I
go
to
a
meeting,
like
I
go
to
my
Home
group
and
suddenly,
you
know,
I've
studied
the
traditions
and
I
realized
at
the
moment
I
walk
into
that
meeting,
primary
purpose
in
my
Home
group
is
to
attempt
to
carry
the
message
to
the
still
suffering
alcoholic.
That
is
my
primary
purpose.
And
when
I
align
myself
with
that
primary
purpose,
something
shifts
in
my
head.
And
when
that
happens,
almost
magically,
my
problems
go
away.
And
that's
one
of
the
reasons
they
have
meetings
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
work
for
me
is
because
it
quite
literally
removes
my
problem.
And
it
talks
about
that
in
the
book.
It
doesn't
say
God's
going
to
figure
out
a
way
to
manage
our
problems.
It
just
simply
says
our
problems
will
be
removed.
And
that's
one
of
the
ways
it
happens.
And
that's
one
of
the
reasons
I
respect
the
traditions.
Now,
the
steps
I,
I
came
in
here
and
obviously
the
first
step
I
work
was
step
one.
And
three
very
simple
questions
were
asked
me.
That
first
question
was,
do
you
find
that
when
you
drink,
you
have
little
to
no
control
over
the
amount
that
you
drink?
What
my
sponsor
was
asking
me
was,
do
I
think
that
I
suffer
from
the
phenomenon
of
craving
that
physical
allergy
that
sets
in
my
body
once
I
take
that
first
range?
And
I
knew
that
was
true.
I
knew
the
first
moment
that
I
started
drinking,
for
whatever
reason,
I
was
physically
compelled
to
continue
drinking
much
different
than
all
of
my
other
friends
because
I
would
hear
that
the
reason
I'm
an
alcoholic
is
I
drank
to
get
drunk.
I
started
drinking
when
I
was
10
years
old
and
I
can
assure
you
that
me
and
my
10
year
old
friends,
the
only
reason
we
drank
was
to
get
drunk.
It
wasn't
like
we'd
acquired
a
taste
for
whiskey.
I'm
Asian
and
10
years
old.
I
didn't
even
have
pubic
hair.
Wasn't
like
I'd
acquired
a
taste
for
alcohol.
I
was
drinking
to
get
drunk.
And
but
the
thing
that
began
to
separate
me
from
possibly
my
other
non
alcoholic
friends
is
I
quickly
came
to
find
that
when
I
drank,
I
had
to
get
drunk.
And
with
them,
it
was
almost
like
a
choice,
like
they
could
drink,
decide,
hey,
I
don't
don't
want
to
get
drunk,
so
I'll
stop.
That
seemed
to
be
a
choice
that
I
always
lacked,
like
I
never
had
that.
So
I
knew
the
answer
to
that
question
was
yes.
And
the
other
question
that
he
asked
me
is
when
I
honestly
want
to
do,
I
find
that
I
cannot
stay
sober
on
my
own.
And
what
he
was
talking
about,
there
was
a
mental
obsession.
The
fact
that
in
every
sober
waking
hour,
the
most
paramount
thought,
as
in
the
thought
that
pushes
away
all
other
thoughts,
is
how
can
I
get
drunk
regardless
of
whether
or
not
I
want
to
drink.
And
that's
a
problem
like
I
suffer
from
that
in
sobriety.
That's
what
happens
to
me
when
I
am
not
drinking
is
the
only
thought
is
how
can
I
drink?
And
the
weird
thing
is
I
don't
even
know
that's
happening
until
I
pick
up
that
drink
and
it
starts
going
off
again.
And
I
answered
yes
to
that
because
I
become
aware
of
the
fact
that
that
was
happening
in
my
life.
And
then
the
last
most
important
question
that
was
asked
of
me
was
do
you
find
or
no?
Do
you
like
the
way
that
you're
living?
And
that
was
kind
of
one
of
the
most
important
questions
because
I
hated
the
way
I
was
living.
I
mean,
that's
why
I
come
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I
absolutely
hated
the
way
that
I
was
living.
And
what
he
was
talking
about.
There
was
a
spiritual
malady.
The
fact
that
when
I
am
sober
and
when
I
am
drunk,
what
I
feel
is
a.
Of
irritability,
restlessness
and
discontentedness.
That
is
my
state
of
drunkenness
and
sobriety.
Irritability
in
the
sense
that
I
am
quickly
angered,
quick
to
frustration.
Discontented
in
the
sense
that
I
cannot
rest
any
satisfaction
or
happiness
out
of
the
way
that
I
live.
And
what
the
hell
is
the
other
one?
Restless
in
the
sense
that
I
cannot
find
any
easier
comfort.
And
that
is
the
most
inherent
state
of
sobriety
and
drunkenness
for
me.
Like
that
is
a
problem.
That
is
a
spiritual
malady
if
that
is
what
I
am
suffering
from.
And
so
I
did
my
step
one
there,
and
we
talk
a
lot
about
like
the
revolving
door
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
I
understand
that
conceptually
what
that
means
is
the
doors
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
are
always
open
to
anyone
who
has
a
desire
to
stop
drinking
or
at
the
very
least
has
a
suspicion
that
they
might
have
a
problem
with
drinking.
However,
that
does
not
mean
that
if
you
relapse,
you
get
the
fortitude
to
come
back.
Like
there's
no
guarantee
that
that's
going
to
happen.
One
of
the
most
disturbing
conversations
I
had
in
this
program
was
with
a
guy
that
was
kind
of
this
iconic
figure
in
Southern
California.
After
14
years
sober
or
something,
he
got
drunk.
And
he
would
spend
several
coming
in
and
out
of
this
program,
sometimes
getting
30
days,
sometimes
getting
60
days.
But
he
never
could
get
any
significant
amount
of
sobriety.
And
from
all
outward
appearances,
before
he
had
gotten
drunk,
he
was
a
solid
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
one
day
I
kind
of
pulled
him
inside
and
I
asked
him,
like,
what
the
hell
is
going
on?
Like,
why
are
you
doing
this?
And
he
said
to
me,
whatever
was
that
I
first
heard
when
I
came
into
this
program,
whatever
magic
it
was
that
I
heard,
I
don't
hear
anymore.
I
keep
coming
back,
but
I
just
don't
hear
it.
I
hear
the
words
that
are
coming
out
of
your
mouth
until
actually
I
understand
you,
but
it
holds
no
weight
anymore.
And
if
there's
ever
a
hell,
like
a
complete
absence
of
God,
I
think
that
for
an
alcoholic
who
is
at
some
point
in
time
experienced
happy
sobriety,
that's
hell.
To
come
into
Alcoholics
Anonymous
to
one
place,
it
has
ever
afforded
me
a
state
of
peace
and
serenity
and
not
hear
the
magic
that's
here,
not
feel
the
spirituality
that
we
emanate
in
these
rooms.
That
would
be
hell
for
me.
And
that
could
be
me.
Like
I
could
be
the
guy
that
goes
back
out
and
she
keeps
trying
to
come
back
in
and
just
doesn't
hear
it
any
longer.
Like,
that
is
a
powerful
message
for
a
person
like
me.
I
have
no
idea
whether
or
not
I'll
get
to
come
back
in
if
I
go
out.
And
that
is
the
powerlessness
that
I
suffer
from
as
an
alcoholic.
And
the
logical
thing
finding
that
I'm
powerless
is
to
move
on
to
Step
2.
And
it's
to
find
a
power
that
can
restore
me
to
sanity.
And
I
was
very
stupid
when
I
came
into
this
program.
And
fortunately,
my
sponsor
often
used
simple
analogies
based
on
my
past
to
help
me
understand
the
steps.
And
for
Step
2,
I,
I
saw
like,
you
know,
I
saw
the
big
book
and
it
said
God
and
then
it
changed
a
higher
power.
And
I'm
like,
you
know,
I
have
a
fake
high
school
diploma.
I'm
not
stupid.
I
know
that
you're
talking
about
God.
And
I
went
to
my
sponsor
and
I
said,
you
know,
I
can't
do
this.
I
don't,
I
don't
believe
in
God.
And
if
I
do
believe
in
God,
like
he's
not
a
guy
that
wants
to
do
anything
with
me,
I
can't
do
this
step.
And
so
he
used
a
story
that
I
had
told
him
to
help
me
understand
this
step.
For
the
two
years
that
I
was
institutionalized,
it
was
kind
of
a
general
rule
of
thumb
that
we
knew
in
the
doctor's
office,
if
you
saw
anything
that
looked
like
a
prescription
medication,
you
stole
it,
obviously.
And
I
was
in
the
doctor's
office.
I
saw
this
box
of
medication
on
the
box,
it
showed
old
people
walking
down
the
beach
hand
in
hand
and
had
the
words
for
the
ease
of
pain
and
discomfort.
I
stole
it,
assuming
it's
muscle,
muscle
relaxants
because
I'm
intelligent.
I
brought
it
back
to
the
institution.
Being
the
spiritual
being
that
I
am,
I
shared
it
with
my
friends.
About
an
hour
later,
we
suddenly
realized
that
2
old
people
walking
down
the
beach,
hand
in
hand
and
the
words
for
the
ease
of
pain
and
discomfort,
we'd
all
just
relapse
on
prescription
strength
laxatives.
And
for
the
next
couple
hours
we
turned
our
will
in
our
lives
over
to
a
power
greater
than
we
understood.
The
reason
my
sponsor
used
that
particular
example
is
I
had
told
him
that
I'd
never
had
faith
in
anything.
And
what
he
informed
me
was
it
was
not
the
quantity
of
faith
that
I
lacked.
It
was
a
quality
of
faith.
Like
I
need
to
find
something
that
was
worth
having
faith
in.
And
what
he
meant
by
that
was
at
that
moment
when
the
alcohol
and
the
drugs
are
still
working
in
my
life,
the
only
evidence
I
had
needed
to
act
on
faith
was
2
old
people
walking
down
the
beach
hand
in
hand
in
the
words
for
the
ease
of
the
pain,
discomfort.
And
instantaneously
I
turn
my
will
in
my
life
over
to
that,
convinced
that
it
would
take
me
where
I
wanted
to
go.
That
is
faith.
And
what
I
love
about
the
beautiful
wording
about
this
particular
step
is
the
only
suggestion
we
make
on
your
higher
powers
would
be
something
that
you
understand
and
it
be
something
that
can
restore
you
to
sanity
and
that's
it.
And
I
could
do
that
like
I
believe
that
my
sponsor.
That
was
enough
in
the
beginning.
And
the
book
even
says
that
the
only
concessions,
the
only
surrender
we
have
to
make
is
we
have
to
come
to
believe
that
living
the
way
that
we
are
living
does
not
work.
That's
all
we
have
to
believe
in
the
beginning
because
when
we
really
do
that,
then
we're
going
to
become
willing
to
surrender
ourselves
to
something
that's
beside
our
own
will.
And
when
we
do
that
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
more
than
likely
we're
going
to
be
put
in
touch
with
the
power
that
can
restore
sustainity.
And
that's
what
happened
for
me.
And
I
moved
on
to
my
third
step.
And
you
know,
I
just
surrender
to
this
program.
And
really
what
that
looked
like
in
my
third
step,
having
made
that
decision,
all
I
had
to
do
was
start
doing
my
four
step.
It
was
really
that
simple
in
the
beginning.
Having
made
that
decision
to
turn
my
will
in
my
life
over
to
my
higher
power,
which
honestly
at
that
time
was
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
my
sponsor
was
start
doing
my
four
step.
And
over
the
years,
my
own
idea
of
what
God
is
has
evolved
into
something
that
I
can
really
do
business
with.
And
I'll
talk
about
that
later.
But
in
the
beginning,
all
I
had
to
do
is
start
working
my
four
step
and
I
began
to
make
that
inventory
in
the
way
that
it's
detailed
in
our
book.
And
here's
the
thing
about
resentments.
I
was
very
unclear
as
to
what's
this
anger
and
what's
resentments.
For
example,
like
if
I
hit
my
thumb
with
the
hammer,
my
most
instantaneous
reaction
is
probably
going
to
be
anger
like
you
hammer.
And
you
know,
that's
very
normal.
That's
a
very
human
thing
to
be
angry
at
the
hammer,
even
though
I'm
the
one
that
hit
my
finger.
And
then
after
that,
I
don't
think
about
it.
A
resentment
is
after
hitting
my
hammer
or
my
finger
with
the
hammer.
I'm
like
you
hammer.
I
throw
it
across
the
room.
And
the
next
two
weeks,
I
think
about
how
I'm
going
to
find
that
hammer
and
everyone
that
hangs
around
with
that
hammer
and
I'm
going
to
them
up.
That's
a
resentment.
And
see,
that's
what
I
suffered
from.
I
would
drive
to
meetings
and
I
would
have
these
wars
in
my
head
with
people
that
were
in
my
group.
And
by
the
time
I
arrived
to
the
meeting,
I
was
pissed
off
at
people
in
my
group
for
these
arguments
that
had
occurred
in
my
head.
And
you
know,
that's
what
I
was
living
with.
And
like,
that's
a
problem.
Like
you
need
to
anesthetize
yourself
in
some
way
if
that's
your
way
of
living.
And
for
the
long
time,
alcohol
did
that
for
me
and
you
removed
the
alcohol.
I'm
just
really
pissed
off.
And
the
inventory
was
the
first
process
and
began
to
remove
that
from
me,
that
poison
every
single
perception
of
everybody
in
my
life.
And
I
made
that
inventory
and
I
brought
it
to
my
sponsor.
And
we've
been
getting
going
through
that.
And
at
the
end
of
the
inventory,
my
sponsor
looked
at
me
and
he
said,
now
tell
me
all
the
things
that
you
didn't
write
down.
And
to
this
day,
it
amazes
me
that
my
sponsor
said
that
because
he
had
like
three
years
of
sobriety
at
the
time.
And
no
offense
to
anyone
with
three
years
of
sobriety,
this
is
kind
of
just
a
joke,
but
I
sponsor
guys
with
three
years
of
sobriety
and
I
don't
really
even
trust
them
around
open
flames.
But
the
fact
that
she
knew
to
say
that
to
me
and
the
fact
that
it
was
true,
I
had
not
written
down
a
lot
of
stuff,
but
there
are
a
lot
of
stuff
that
happened
to
me
when
I
was
homeless.
It
was
a
lot
of
stuff
that
happened
when
I
was
a
kid
and
I
was
institutionalized.
It
was
a
lot
of
stuff
that
I
was
deeply
ashamed
about
and
just
humiliated
about.
It
was
the
kind
of
stuff
that
I
had
convinced
myself
there
was
no
reason
to
tell
another
man
this
had
happened
to
me
just
to
stay
sober.
There's
no
logical
reason
why
I
should
have
to
do
this.
And
yet
at
the
end
of
that
inventory,
it
suddenly
occurred
to
me,
for
whatever
reason,
if
I
want
what
he
has,
and
I
began
to
realize
what
he
has
is
happy
sobriety,
I
need
to
come
clean.
For
the
first
time
in
my
own
life.
And
against
my
better
judgment,
I
began
telling
him
these
things
that
I
was
deeply
about.
And
after
telling
these
things,
my
sponsor
was
uncharacteristically
quiet.
And
he
said
to
me,
for
what
it's
worth,
I'm
sorry
these
things
happen
to
you.
Perhaps
in
a
perfect
world,
these
things
wouldn't
really
happen
to
any
kid.
And
I'm
sorry
these
things
happen
to
you.
But
fortunately
for
you,
these
are
no
longer
an
excuse
to
live
the
way
that
you
were
living.
And
I
heard
that
like,
and
it
amazes
me
that
I
heard
that
because
I'm
not
the
person
that
hears
that
kind
of
stuff.
Every
time
that
I
think
back
and
I
can
recall
hearing
something
that
my
sponsor
said
and
understanding
what
he
said,
it
amazes
me
that
that
happened.
For
me,
that
is
a
divine
Providence
of
grace
that
exists
here,
that
I
understood
what
he
was
saying
and
I
believed
him.
And
that
was
the
first
time
that
I
felt
the
liberation
that
we
talked
about
in
here.
It
was
the
first
time
that
I
realized
that
I
was
accountable
for
the
way
that
I
that
I
acted.
And
see
the
reason
that
was
liberating
is
because
I
had
believed
that
in
order
for
me
to
ever
find
happy
sobriety,
you
all
needed
to
change
because
you
were
my
problem.
And
the
only
way
I
could
ever
get
this
was
obviously
if
you
guys
all
changed.
And
the
problem
with
that
is
that
those
are
possible
conditions
to
be
met.
And
so
the
good
news
today
is
this.
The
only
person
that
needs
to
change
for
me
to
stay
sober
is
me.
And
having
Pound
found
a
power
that
I
can
do
business
with,
I
began
to
realize
that
that
was
possible.
I
began
to
realize
for
the
first
time
my
entire
life
that
I
could
change.
And
see,
it's
funny,
Serena
was
talking
about
how
many
of
Alcoholics
are
phenomenal
even
when
they're
drinking.
Like,
I
am
not
one
of
those
phenomenal
Alcoholics
even
when
I'm
not
drinking,
to
be
honest.
But
I
I
kind
of
find
there's
two
types
of
Alcoholics.
There's
a
kind
of
alcoholic,
much
like
Serena,
who
goes
out
there
and
does
amazing
things
even
when
they're
drinking,
and
then
through
a
series
of
senseless
sprees,
tears
that
down
again
and
again
and
again
to
the
point
where
they
can
no
longer
build
it
back
up.
And
then
there's
the
kind
of
alcoholic
as
as
a
result
of
their
alcoholism,
they
never
gain
anything.
And
that
was
me
at
the
age
of
19.
I'd
never
accomplished
anything
and
I
knew
I
would
never
accomplish
anything.
I
have
no
recollection
of
the
why
I
just
said
that.
But
anyway,
that
was
the
kind
of
alcoholic
that
I
was.
And
when
I
realized
that
I
could
change,
that
was
the
first
time
that
I
realized
I
could
change.
I
mean,
I,
I
believed
that
I
could
not
change
the
way
that
I
was
living.
And
that
is
a
hopeless
state
of
living.
And
after
having
done
these
two
steps,
I
moved
on
to
my
six
and
seven.
And
my
six
and
seven
are
simply
coming
to
that
realization
that
I
have
so
many
character
defects
that
nothing
short
of
the
Vine
intervention
will
be
able
to
restore
me
to
any
sort
of
semblance
of
normality
of
life.
And
the
example
that
I
like
to
use,
and
I
borrow
heavily
from
a
guy
that
I
know
named
Sandy
B,
is,
you
know,
for
whatever
reason,
I
sponsor
like
an
army
of
guys.
And
ever
so
often
they
stay
sober
and
they
get
a
medallion
and
at
our
meetings,
we
celebrate
medallions.
So
they
get
up
there
and
they
take
their
cake.
They
say
something
semi
intelligible
people,
you
know,
start
plotting
because
that's
what
you
do.
And
they
think
their
sponsor.
And
I
said
to
my
sponsor
seat
looking
I'll
sponsor
like.
And
in
a
moment
of
divine
spirituality
it
it
I
become
very
aware
of
the
fact
that
the
reason
my
sponsor
sponsee
stayed
sober
is
because
he
has
a
sponsor
and
I
happen
to
be
that
sponsor.
So
really,
all
the
applause
that
you're
giving
to
him
should
be
coming
to
me.
And
that's
my
definition
of,
you
know,
spiritual
pride.
What
I'm
actually
looking
for
is
gratitude.
What
I'm
looking
for
is
the
gratitude
that
somebody
actually
wants
what
I
have
today.
What
I'm
looking
for
is
the
gratitude
that
I
actually
have
something
that
is
worth
giving
to
another
person.
What
I'm
looking
for
is
the
gratitude
that
today
I'm
a
purpose
in
use
and
another
person's
life
in
a
way
that
I
was
never
able
to
be
of.
I
am
of
purpose
and
use
in
another
person's
life,
which
I
have
never
been.
I
mean,
honestly,
by
the
time
I
came
to
this
program,
I
had
never
been
that
way
by
the
time
I
arrived
here.
You
may
identify
with
this.
I
had
all
these
grand
schemes
and
plans
about
how
I
was
gonna
better
my
life
in
your
life.
And
what
would
happen
is
I
would
execute
these
plans
and
my
life
would
get
worse
and
your
life
would
get
worse.
And
like,
that's
a
problem.
And
all
my
best
ideas
are
simply
making
everybody's
life
worse.
And
that's
what
I
came
here
with.
And
as
a
result
of
these
steps
and
trying
to
pursue
a
transformation
through
giving
my
defects
over
to
my
higher
power
to
be
of
use
to
other
people,
my
life
is
transformed.
And
we
talk
about
that.
We
talk
about
our
stories
being
effective
to
other
Alcoholics
because
it
gives
them
the
ability
to
identify
with
us.
We
talk
about
all
the
crap
that
I
personally
have
gone
through
has
been
put
to
use.
I
mean
specifically
put
to
use
to
other
men
in
this
program.
I
can't
tell
you
the
amount
of
times
I've
sat
down
with
another
alcoholic
and
shared
something
very
personal.
There's
a
lot
of
stuff
that
I
do
not
share
from
the
podium
and
very
rarely
share
every
publicly
in
meetings
that
one-on-one
I
will
share
with
another
person
because
I'm
convinced
it
will
help
them.
And
a
lot
of
these
guys
stay
sober
and
they
tell
me
that
it's
helped
them
and
I
know
that's
not
me.
What
that
happened
is
I've
worked
these
steps
and
I've
come
to
realize
that
the
only
freedom
that
I'm
going
to
find
is
if
I'm
willing
to
use
my
past
as
a
way
to
help
other
people.
And
that's
truly
six
and
seven.
When
these
defects
of
character,
these
things
that
have
always
served
to
separate
me
from
everybody
else,
are
used
to
somehow
better
another
person's
life.
That's
the
transformation
that
happens
in
six
and
seven.
And
then
I
moved
on
to
my
8th
step
and
I
began
making
that
list
of
the
people
that
I
had
harmed.
And
I
brought
that
list
of
my
sponsor
and
we
sat
down
on
his
Mercedes
and
we
went
over
that
list.
And
at
the
end
of
going
over
that
list,
I
felt
more
depressed
than
I'd
ever
felt
in
sobriety
because
I
realized
it
was
impossible
for
me
to
make
amends
to
these
people.
And
he
looked
at
me
and
said,
I
bet
that
looks
impossible,
doesn't
it?
And
I
said,
yeah,
I
mean,
this
is
impossible.
There's
no
possible
way
I
can
rectify
all
of
this.
Like,
I
can't
do
it.
If
this
is
a
requirement
to
being
sober,
I
am
screwed.
And
my
sponsor
said,
you're
right,
it's
impossible.
There
is
no
way
you
can
do
this.
But
he
said,
but
my
experience
is
this,
if
you're
willing
to
make
amends
to
all
of
these
people,
what
is
required
to
make
amends
to
these
people
will
be
given
to
you.
And
that
is
my
guarantee
to
you
because
that's
what
my
experience
was.
Whatever
is
required
to
go
around
and
rectify
all
of
these
harms
that
you
have
done
to
everyone
on
this
list,
if
you're
willing
to
make
that
amends,
it
will
be
given
to
you
in
order
to
make
that
amends.
And
I
heard
him
again.
And
normally
when
I
would
hear
something
like
that,
I
would
think,
you
know,
that's
easy
for
you
to
say
you
drive
a
Mercedes.
But
I
heard
him
say
that
and
I
believed
him.
And
the
wonderful
thing
is
a
lot
of
times
I've
got
to
sit
across
from
another
guy
in
my
car
and
tell
him
that
exact
thing,
Tell
him
that
I
know
this
list
looks
impossible,
but
my
guarantee
to
you
is
this,
if
you're
willing,
honestly
willing
to
make
amends,
all
these
people,
whatever
is
required
to
make
those
amends
will
be
given
to
you.
Whether
it's
money,
whether
it's
the
ability
to
travel
to
another
place,
whether
it's
the
ability
to
just
think
and
act
differently.
It
will
be
given
to
you
when
you
become
willing
to
make
these
amends.
And
that
is
the
grand
promise
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
that's
why
we
often
coin
that
part
about
the
9th
step
when
we
are
halfway
through
the
9th
step,
the
promises,
because
that
is
promises
inherent
in
the
collective
group
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
that
have
done
those
amends.
And
I
want
to
talk
about
one
specific
amends.
It
was
very
important
for
me.
One
of
the
events
that
I
was
asked
to
do
was
to
the
people
that
had
saved
my
life
when
I
tried
to
kill
myself.
I
believe
that
the
spirit
of
this
amends
was
due
to
the
fact
that
Bill
and
Bob
often
talked
about
it
became
important
for
their
own
sobriety
to
go
out
and
seek
the
people
who
had
been
instrumental
in
them
staying
sober
and
simply
this
thank
them
as
a
form
of
amends.
I
think
that's
why
my
sponsor
asked
me
to
just
find
these
people
and
thank
them
for
saving
my
life.
This
is
a
really
easy
amends.
There's
nothing
bad
that
could
have
happened.
It
wasn't
really
even
that
humiliating
or
it
shouldn't
have
been.
It
would
take
me
6
years
of
continuous
sobriety
before
I'd
be
willing
to
make
that
amends.
And
in
my
6th
year,
I
was
going
through
an
existential
crisis.
And
by
existential,
I
mean
I
just
did
not
believe
in
God.
And
more
importantly,
I
was
not
connected
to
anything.
And
I
felt
that
connection
in
the
way
that
avoid
eats
at
you
from
the
inside.
And
it
became
apparent
to
me
that
it
might
be
associated
with
the
fact
that
I'd
never
been
willing
to
make
that
particular
amends.
So
I
went
about
to
try
to
make
this
amends
and
find
the
people
that
had
saved
my
life.
And
I
went
back
to
that
old
business
complex
and
I
went
into
the
building.
They
weren't
there
anymore.
Nobody
knew
who
they
were.
I
went
back
to
my
car
crestfallen,
and
I
said
a
very
quick
prayer.
And
that
prayer
was
God.
I
think
it's
important
that
I
make
this
amends
today,
if
that
be
your
will.
Give
me
a
sign
and
make
it
really
obvious
because
I'm
stupid.
I
can
count
that
I
know
of
at
least
two
times
in
my
life
that
prayers
had
an
immediate
result
in
my
life,
and
that
was
one
of
them.
Immediately
after
saying
that
prayer
occurred
to
me.
Try
one
more
place.
And
so
I
walked
into
one
more
place
and
sitting
behind
the
counter
was
one
of
the
ladies
that
had
been
there
when
I
tried
to
kill
myself.
And
not
yet
quite
willing
to
give
it
up,
I
said
to
her,
Ma'am,
the
reason
I'm
here
today
is
because
years
ago
my
brother
tried
to
kill
himself.
And
she
looked
at
me
and
she
said,
no,
I
think
it
was
you.
And,
and
she
got
up
behind
the
counter
and
she
started
crying
and
she
hugged
me
and
she
brought
me
back
into
the
office
and
introduced
me
to
the
rest
of
the
people
that
years
ago,
it
saved
my
life.
And
against
my
better
judgment,
I
began
doing
what
was
stipulated
to
make
my
amends.
And
all
I
had
to
do
was
tell
him
what
my
life
was
like
and
thank
them.
And
I
began
telling
them
what
my
life,
my
life
was
like
and
thanking
them.
And
in
the
context
of
telling
them
what
my
life
was
like,
it
struck
me
in
a
way
that
was
almost
like
unrepeatable
that
my
life
was
really
good.
I
mean,
my
life
was
really
good
and
not
necessarily
because
of
the
external
things
that
were
going
on
in
my
life.
And
externally
my
life
was
really
quite
great.
But
it
was
internally.
And
for
the
I,
I
understood
that
like
when
I
was
telling
them
how
my
life
was
as
a
result
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
I
knew
how
incredible
it
was.
And
I
thank
them.
And
that
connection
to
a
God
that
I
had
been
searching
for
my
entire
life
was
made
in
a
way
that
I
could
never
have
done
myself,
never
in
a
way
that
I
could
have
tried
to
orchestrate
on
my
own
self
will.
And
that
to
a
guy
that
I
was
convinced
only
one
of
the
best
things
with
me
was
made.
And
I
did
a
physical
action
in
a
spiritual
connection
happened.
And
like,
that's
the
beauty
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Because
if
we
required
implicit
belief
in
these
steps,
like
if
you
had
to
believe
these
steps
would
work
in
order
for
them
to
work
in
your
life,
that
would
be
a
placebo.
I
mean,
definitively
that
would
be
a
placebo.
And
we're
not
offering
you
a
placebo
in
this
program.
We're
offering
you
a
very
real
solution
to
a
very
real
malady.
You
don't
have
to
believe,
you
just
have
to
do
it.
And
that's
why
it
works
for
a
guy
like
me,
a
defiant
alcoholic,
the
kind
of
person
that
doesn't
believe
anything.
And
that's
what
happened.
And
I
like
to
think
of
that
blank
tapestry
or
like
that
universal
consciousness
with
these
million
flits
of
these
million
sparks
of
light
just
flitting
through
the
universe.
And
ever
so
often,
one
or
two
of
them
collide
in
such
a
way
to
create
a
flash
of
light
so
bright
as
to
be
undeniable
in
their
existence.
You
know,
those
coincidences
that
seem
to
pull
out
of
nowhere
and
happen
in
our
sobriety,
those
moments
that
we
could
only
just
think
we're
just
being
lucky,
and
yet
they
seemingly
happen.
That
is
the
existence
of
God's
divine
grace
for
me.
And
like,
that
is
what
I
found
in
this
program
because
to
be
honest,
I
did
not
believe
in
any
God
for
six
years
of
my
sobriety.
And
yet
I
managed
to
stay
sober
because
I
was
willing
to
turn
my
will
in
my
life
over
something
that
was
not
me
and
had
the
ability
to
restore
me
to
sanity.
And
that
was
a
A.
And
finally,
as
a
result
of
doing
that,
I
was
finally
connected
with
the
God
of
my
understanding.
And
that
is
what
happened
for
me.
And
The
thing
is,
is
I
believe
that
if
you
do
this
thing
fully,
nothing
spiritually
will
be
withheld
from
you.
That
is
a
great
promise
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
I
moved
on
to
my
10th
step
and,
you
know,
by
trying
to
practice
these
affairs
and
promptly
admitting
when
I
am
wrong,
I
get
to
create
that
buffer
zone
that
allows
me
to
stay
sober
even
when
I
screw
up.
And
I
screw
up
a
lot.
And
then
through
the
11
step,
through
prayer
meditation,
I,
I
seek
to
improve
my
conscious
contact
with
God.
And
you
know,
I
meditation
back
in
the
1939.
And
the
other
speaker
said
that
just
meant
thoughtful
contemplation.
Like
when
I
meditate,
I
don't
close
my
eyes
because
most
of
the
time
I
fall
asleep
when
I
close
my
eyes,
I'd
like
to
believe
it's
because
I'm
really
peaceful
and
serene.
But
really,
it's
just
I
have
a
very
primitive
mind
and,
you
know,
long
periods
of
darkness,
my
mind's
like,
go
to
sleep.
So
what
I
simply
do
is
I
try
to
think
about
what
I'm
trying
to
do
to
carry
the
message
and
stay
sober.
And
that's
my
meditation.
And
one
of
the
most
incredible
examples
of
this
step
was
done
from
a
friend
of
mine.
I
have
this
friend,
Guillermo.
He
is
quite
literally
at
this
point
dying
from
cancer.
Me
and
one
of
my
friends
are
good
friends
of
his.
He
was
an
arrival
gang.
He's
like
literally
this
big,
huge
Mexican
gang
banger.
And
he's
dying
from
cancer.
He
has
great
sobriety.
And
when
we
asked
him,
you
know,
we're
going
to
pray
for
you.
What
do
you
want
us
to
pray
for?
And
what
he
asked
us
to
pray
for,
as
he
said,
just
pray
that
my
family
and
my
loved
ones
accept
what
God's
will
is.
And
I
thought
that
was
incredible.
I
mean,
I
really
thought
that
was
incredible
because
what
I
would
have
prayed
for
is
like,
don't
die
from
cancer.
And
what
he
asked
us
to
do
was
just
pray
that
his
loved
ones
and
his
family
except
God's
will.
And
I
think
that
was
one
of
the
best
examples
of
the
11th
step
prayer
that
I've
ever
heard
because
through
the
11
step
prayer,
it
has
done
away
with
my
compulsive
need
to
label
things
as
good
and
bad,
like
this
is
good
and
this
is
bad.
The
problem
with
me
constantly
doing
that
is
something
bad
happens.
Then
I
believe
God
doesn't
exist
because
that's
how
I
roll.
Unfortunately,
that's
just
how
my
mind
works
and
when
I'm
done
away
with
that
constant
need
to
categorize
things
as
good
and
bad.
Things
simply
are
what
they
are
and
that
is
a
spiritual
freedom
that
I
exists
in
my
life.
And
then
I
move
on
to
the
12th
step
and
I'm
running
out
of
time.
So
I
just
want
to
talk
about
this.
One
of
the
interesting
things
about
speaking
and,
and
things
like
this
is
it
gives
me
the
opportunity
to
choose
what
I
want
to
talk
about.
And
sometimes
I
have
a
really
hard
time
just
getting
current,
mostly
because
I
run
out
of
time.
And
the
other
is
because
it
takes
me
a
little
bit
of
time
to
process
what's
actually
going
on
in
my
life.
And,
you
know,
Katie
and
Serena
talked
a
lot
about
the
difficulties
that
happened
in
sobriety.
And
if
you
believe
sobriety
is
going
to
be
just
like
the
absence
of
pain,
I'm
sorry.
That's,
that's
not
how
it's
going
to
be,
but
it's
not
the
complete
alleviation
of
pain.
In
fact,
if
anything,
I
believe
if
you're
working
the
steps
correctly,
it
will
get
very
painful.
And
the
good
thing
is
a
lot
of
the
pain
that
we
feel
doesn't
necessarily
ever
have
to
come
back
in
the
same
way,
but
it
does
happen.
And
my
sponsor
used
to
say
the
most
annoying
thing
to
me
and
what
he
would
say
is
thank
God
for
your
problems.
There's
this
old
Chinese
proverb
that
says
in
every
problem
lies
a
gift.
And
sometimes
we
have
those
problems
because
we're
in
dire
need
of
those
gifts.
And
I
used
to
hate
him
saying
that,
but
I
understand
it
now
because
I
see
that
that
in
every
problem
is
a
gift.
And
sometimes
these
problems
happen
because
I
honestly
do
need
the
gift.
And
what
are
my
favorite
things
about?
One
of
my
favorite
sayings
about
difficulties
is
by
an
American
poet
laureate.
And
what
she
said
is
when
a
difficulty
comes
my
way,
I
throw
my
arms
in
the
air
and
I
shout,
Thank
you
God,
for
giving
me
the
opportunity
to
grow
closer
to
you.
And
you
know,
that's,
that's
what
I
like
a
couple
weeks
ago.
Damn,
I
I
don't
really
don't
try.
Usually
have
to
think
about
sad
things
that
happen
to
other
people
to
start
trying
anyway.
A
couple
weeks
ago,
actually,
I
want
to
talk
about
this.
When
I
was
out
there
using,
I
went
to
my
grandmother's
house
and
I
love
my
grandmother.
I
call
her
Grammy,
and
I
was
kicking
heroin
at
that
time.
And
you
know
how
we
have
those
things.
I'm
never
going
to
do
this
or
else
I'm
like
a
total
loser.
One
of
my
things
was
not
to
steal
from
my
grandmother.
I
stole
from
everybody
else,
but
not
my
grandmother.
She'd
always
loved
me.
And
my
other
grandparents
were
racist,
so
they
weren't
all
that
into
me
being
Asian.
But
she
had
a
particular
fondness
for
me
that
I
was
just,
I
loved.
And
so
my
thing
was
don't
steal
from
Grammy.
And
I
went
to
her
house
and
I
was
kicking
heroin.
And
I
found
myself
standing
in
her
bedroom.
And
I
remember
opening
this
heavyset
jewelry
box,
reaching
in
and
grabbing
this
crumpled
set
of
20s
and
pulling
away
and
saying
don't
to
myself
as
I
pocketed
that
money
and
walking
out
of
the
bedroom
and
trying
to
make
it
look
like
my
I
hadn't
been
in
there
so
my
grandmother
wouldn't
know
what
I
just
did.
And
I
remember
as
my
uncle
escorted
me
out
of
my
grandmother's
house
to
kick
me
out
of
the
city,
I
knew
my
grandmother
known
that
I'd
been
in
her
bedroom.
And
I
knew
that
she
what
I'd
done,
and
I
walked
out
of
there
with
the
last
semblance
of
dignity
that
I
had
left
in
that
room.
Anyway,
that's
what
I
did
at
my
grandmother's.
And
the
amends
that
I
had
to
make
to
my
grandmother
was
obviously
pay
her
back.
She
lived
in
Colorado
and
one
of
my
sisters
lived
there,
and
she
got
married.
So
for
the
first
time
in
my
sobriety,
after
being
sober,
you're
sober.
I
found
myself
back
in
Colorado,
and
I
was
standing
outside
the
church
and
my
grandmother
saw
me
and
she
rushed
over
and
hugged
me
and
said
she
didn't
even
recognize
me
because,
as
she
said,
I'd
grown
up
into
a
handsome
gentleman.
And
we
hugged
each
other.
And
as
we
were
hugging
each
other,
I
placed
this
crumpled
pile
of
money
into
her
hand.
And
and
before
she
could
say
don't
give
it
to
me,
I
said
just
please
take
it
for
me.
And
she
closed
her
hand
over
it
and
I
said
thank
you.
And
that
was
the
amends
I
made
to
my
grandmother.
Two
weeks
ago,
my
mother
called
me
and
said
that
her
mother,
which
is
my
grandmother,
had
just
gone
into
acute
Hospice
and
she
was
going
to
get
there
and
she
was
the
first
person
to
get
there.
None
of
my
other
family
members
could
get
there
because
my
grandmother
was
dying.
And
it
just
so
happened
that
I
could
get
there
first.
So
this
was
last
week,
and
I
flew
out
to
Colorado.
And
for
five
days,
I
sat
with
my
mother
six
hours
out
of
the
day
in
an
acute
Hospice,
sitting
next
to
my
Grammy,
watching
her
die.
And
I'd
love
to
say
this
is
like
a
glamorous
thing
where
I
was
like,
you
know,
making
amends.
But
frankly,
it's
just
I
have
a
relationship
with
my
family
today.
And
that's
that's
what
you
do
when
you're
a
son
is
when
your
mother
calls
you
and
your
Grammys
dying
to
show
up.
And
now
obviously
that's
a
result
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
and
that's
just
what
you
do.
And
and
I
showed
up
and
I
sat
by
her
bedside
and
we
listened
to
The
Sound
of
Music
because
that
was
my
mother,
my
grandmother's
favorite
thing.
And
I
can
remember
as
a
kid
sitting
next
to
her
on
that
old
tweed
couch
and
watching
The
Sound
of
Music
with
her.
And
there's
something
both
beautiful
and
horrible
and
watching
someone
you
love
literally
die
day
by
day,
hour
by
hour.
And
before
I
left,
I,
I,
I
stood
with
my
sister,
you
know,
the
sister
that
would
have
absolutely
nothing
to
do
with
me
when
I
came
into
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
And
we
both
held
my
grandmother's
hand
and
we
said
goodbye
to
her.
And
then
each
on
our
own,
we
said
goodbye
to
her.
And
I
stood
next
to
her
on
my
own.
And
I
ran
my
hair
through
her
hands.
And
I
told
my
grandma
that
I
love
her
and
that
I
would
see
her
soon.
Not
soon,
but
I'd
see
her
later.
Maybe
soon,
who
knows?
And
that's
what
I
did
last
week.
And
and
then
I
flew
home
and
the
next
day
my
mother
called
or
two
days
later,
my
mother
called
me
and
she
said,
your
grandmothers
gone
home.
And
that's
what
Alcoholics
Anonymous
has
given
me.
I
mean,
it
doesn't
really
sound
that
great
if
you're
new.
You're
like
great
people
who
are
dying.
But
here's
the
thing,
I
got
to
show
up
and
it's
one
of
those
weird
alcoholic,
or
at
least
a,
a
idioms,
I
got
to
show
up.
And
for
those
of
us
who
have
had
that
transformation,
that
spiritual
awakening,
we
understand
what
those
words
signify.
I
got
to
show
up
and
that's
what
happened
for
me
is
I
got
to
show
up
and
it's
just
that
beautiful
transformation
that
happens
here.
I
sometimes
will
hear
people
say
that
they've
come
in
here,
they've
worked
the
steps
and
not
that
much
has
changed
for
them.
And
now
I
understand
what
that
means.
I'm
still
a
very
crude
person.
I
still,
thankfully,
have
a
bit
of
a
sense
of
humor,
still
Asian.
I'm
grown
that
much
since
I
got
sober.
But
for
me,
I've
transformed
in
a
profound
way.
I
have
absolutely
transformed
in
a
person
that
is
unrecognizable
from
the
person
that
I
was
when
I
walked
into
this
program.
That
is
the
message
that
I
have
to
give
you
is
that
I
have
transformed
into
another
person.
Like
I
now
know
what
it
is
like
to
stand
by
my
Grammys
bedside
and
watch
her
die
because
I
love
her.
Because
that
is
the
thing
that
I
never
understood.
Because
I
was
so
self-centered.
I
did
not
understand
what
love
meant,
and
I
love
what
both
Katie
and
Serena
said
about
love.
And
see,
the
thing
about
this
program
is
we
can
move
toward
hope.
And
that
is
a
beautiful
thing,
a
health
place,
like
the
World
News
for
love.
I
mean,
it
kneels
before.
And
ah,
and
I
never
knew
that.
Like
I
never
knew
that
that's
what
existed
in
this
world.
And
I
have
never
been
a
conspiracy
speaker
again.
I
want
to
share
this
last
couple
last
stories.
I
one
of
my
favorite
stories
in
the
big
book
is
the
Keys
of
the
Kingdom.
And
it
ends
with
saying
that
we
will
have
a
wealth
of
friends.
And
that's
been
my
experience.
I
came
here
assuming
that
you
were
the
problem.
And
so
logically
having
more
of
you
in
my
life
is
not
the
solution.
And
I
quite
literally
have
a
wealth
of
friends.
I
mean
people
that
I
would
literally
take
a
bullet
for
without
hesitation.
And
I
love
them
to
the
bottom
of
my
heart.
And
one
of
my
favorite
books
when
I
was
young
and
reading
was
Mother
Night
by
Kurt
Vonnegut.
The
reason
I
like
this
book
is
because
even
at
a
young
age
I
understood
the
that
was
being
talked
about
in
this
book,
and
that
concept
was
how
a
series
of
tragic
events
would
eventually
ostracizing,
completely
alienate
the
main
character
from
society
as
he
knew
it.
And
shortly
after
I
got
sober,
this
book
was
made
into
a
movie.
Those
two
events
are
unrelated,
but
I
remember
watching
this
movie
Mother
Night,
and
it
captured
perfectly
one
of
my
favorite
scenes
in
the
book.
And
what
happens
is
the
main
character
finds
himself
staying
on
a
busy
St.,
appropriately
in
the
rain,
and
he's
standing
there
and
it
suddenly
occurs
to
him,
if
you
were
to
stand
there
and
not
go
anywhere
for
a
week
or
a
day
or
an
hour
a
month,
nobody
would
know.
Nothing
would
change
in
his
life.
He
had
nowhere
really
to
go.
And
I
watched
that
and
I
realized
how
much
that
was
like
when
I
was
drinking
and
how
much
that
was
like
when
I
was
sobered
before
I
found
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
That
was
my
experience,
that
as
a
result
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
I've
been
completely
removed
from
both
myself
and
everybody
else
in
this
world.
And
the
problem
is,
is
that's
a
problem
for
me.
As
much
as
I
would
like
to
believe
that
I'm
comfortable
with
that,
I
am
not
comfortable
completely
and
profoundly
alienated
from
everybody
else
in
the
world.
And
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
a
thing
that
bridge
that
gap
for
me.
And
I
like
to
end
with
this
story
because
I
haven't
come
up
with
any
better
story,
but
I'm
a
big
fan
of
the
concept
of
home.
You
know,
I
was
adopted
at
some
point
in
time.
My
parents
basically
disowned
me.
I
was
a
runaway.
I've
been
searching
for
home
my
entire
life.
And
I
sponsor
this
guy
who's
from
Chicago
who's
25
years
sober.
And
before
his
25
year
Medaiah,
me
and
him
went
out
to
eat
and
we
talked
about
the
concept
of
home.
And,
you
know,
he
uprooted
all
of
his
sobriety
and
Toronto
and
he
left
his
family
and
his,
you
know,
the
sobriety
that
he
found
for
the
last
25
years.
And
the
thing
that
we
were
both
ingredients
of
is
the
fact
that
Alcoholics
Anonymous
transcends
home.
That
for
whatever
reason,
when
we
completely
committed
ourselves
to
this
program
and
this
fellowship,
we
came
to
find
a
home
here.
And
I
was
out
in
Toronto
and
I
was
speaking
at
this
convention,
which
was
kind
of
a
big
deal
for
me
because
I
was
beginning
to
understand
that
I
had
found
a
place
that
I
loved
in
Toronto.
And
I
love
being
Canadian.
Like
I
honestly
love
being
Canadian
and
I
love
Toronto.
I
love
my
fellowship,
I
love
being
there.
And
at
the
end
of
the
conference,
we
had
the
dance
and
I
was
sitting
up,
I
was
watching
all
of
the
friends
that
I'd
made
in
Toronto
and
they
were
dancing
there,
having
this
wonderful
time.
And
I
had
this
absolutely
overwhelming
feeling
overcome
me.
And
often
music
has
a
way
of
expressing
emotions
and
feelings
that
I'm
incapable
of
expressing
on
my
own.
At
that
exact
moment
that
I
was
feeling
this,
the
music
that
went
over
the
auditorium,
the
lyrics
was
this
feels
like
home.
And
for
me,
I,
I
cannot
think
of
any
better
way
to
describe
my
experience
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous
than
This
Feels
Like
home.
And
if
you're
new,
whether
or
not
you
know
it,
welcome
home.
Thanks.