The 62nd anniversary of Club 12 in San Antonio, TX

My name is Joe McFadden and I'm a very grateful alcoholic and my, and my sobriety date is June 14th, 19193.

And, and I say that in a celebratory salute to this club and all of you out there because if it weren't for people like you,

you'll hear, I wouldn't be alive. When you hear the things that Club 12 has done for me. The other thing I'm getting choked up. The other thing I have to tell you is when I sober it up, I cry. I'm a crier. I cry at supermarket grand openings.

This club is it's, it's, it's not political politically correct to say this is the Mecca of Alcoholics Anonymous. But I will say this is this is the Ellis Island of alcoholic synonyms.

We should have Bill Wilson in a, in a flowing robe like the, like the Statue of Liberty on top of Club 12

and, and and he should have a, a big book, a first edition big book and, and at the bottom of it, the same thing that's written on the Statue of Liberty. Bring us your wretched refuse,

You know,

and just like, just like Ellis Island,

the immigrants when they come in and they get they get status and they get in here and they become citizens. They start wanting to lower the standards. And I remember having a couple years and I sit here and I start saying

these newcomers aren't sincere the way I was

Listen to that half measure crap out there. Oh my God. And and then one day I was in myself Roache righteous mode, which I will

speak a little bit about.

And I said, you know what? There's a big funnel out there that brings all the sick people and just all the the the lowest people and the half measured people. And it just comes right in all the sickness of of the world. And it comes right through the front door there.

And this is a new Comer looked over there at me and he says, yeah. And only the sickest of those sticks say sober for two years. So I never say that anymore. I would like to thank Pat. And I would like, where's Pat? I would like to thank Pat. And I'd like to thank Chris for inviting me to come and speak. I spoke last weekend out in San Diego. And I usually don't get nervous when I do this, but I got to tell you, my knees are knocking.

My knees are knocking because these are the people that saw me at the worst. They saw me. You know, you ever notice we read the AB CS this morning? You ever notice that there's no facility, there's no hospital, there's nothing out there that says you can go to and say, well,

A, A referred me to you,

there's nowhere for you to go. They used to say that this is the last house on the block, and that may be true, but let me tell you, I think it's also the last room on the last house in the block. I came here, nothing worked. This was the last place in the world for me to come and you people treated me.

If you're new here

and people are excited to see you and they walk in and say you're the most important person in the room,

let me tell you, it's, it's so true. They treated me that way 17 1/2 years ago. It's this Alcoholics Anonymous is kind of a strange place. It's the only place in the world that you can walk in, be the most important person in the room and be treated like gold. And if you stick around and you get one of those hard hearted sponsors and you work the steps and you do service work, you can work your way down to trusted servant.

And if they're treating you nice and you're saying what in the world is wrong with these people, let me tell you, I did that. And they know something that you don't know yet.

They know something that you don't know yet.

Oh, here I go again.

They know. They see who you are more than you do.

And Alcoholics Anonymous, when I'm doing this, when I'm working one-on-one with an alcoholic at my home out of the Big Book, when I'm sitting in a meeting, when I'm driving to a penitentiary to speak, or just carrying the message to a county jail on Monday nights, I know more about who I am and who my Creator is than any other time in the world.

That is my conscious contact. I'm sober only by the grace of God. If you hear me speak today and it sounds like, oh, he's a big book aficionado,

he's he's really working a good program. Let me tell you, I need a lot of grace. That word grace. I never knew the roots of that and why we say that the grace of God and all of that

that came from Bill Wilson. There was a guy at Clinton Street that didn't show up for three meetings when they had their meetings there in New York and they asked Bill, well, where's Joe has happened to be his name. And he said he had slipped. And they said, what do you mean slip? He said he slipped from the grace of God. And I come in here. I was prayed into this fellowship. I was prayed and that grace of God opened up

to me when I came here and I

it, I hear, hear this once in a while. Workers don't get don't get too well too soon. Work a step a year. I got involved right here at this group with a group of doers. They were maniacs for service work.

Page 28, the big book, it says we seek recovery with all the desperation that of a drowning man and boy. Let me tell you, thank God for those people.

The other thing is Bill Wilson.

In the doctor's opinion, it talks about on the during the course of his third treatment, there's a slipper.

He came in and he became sold on some ideas. And part of the those conceptions was that he would pass on those ideas to others and they would still pass on to others. And this has become the basis of this rapidly growing fellowship. And then he went on to write that these men and their families

appear to have recovered, and he said that these were people who had failed at every other means.

I would hope that if you were to come out to Bastrop, TX and follow me around, you would see that I'm not just a member of Alcoholics. And when it's convenient, I'm not just doing a A between the Serenity Prayer and the Lord's Prayer. A A is something that I live, something that I do. My Home group is the away out group of Alcoholics Anonymous and Bastrop, TX.

Thank you.

We have a close big book meeting Saturday mornings at 9:00. We've got a step study Tuesday nights at 7:00 and we have 2 noon meetings at noon on Tuesday and noon on Friday and you all are welcome to come there. We've got some very good AA.

The other thing is I just want for those of you who are taking bets, I just it, it means a lot to me. Any I have been. There's no way I should ever have a relationship or a marriage. And it's working. So please leave her alone. The ether hasn't worn off. Let's not break the denial.

I would like for my daughter, my wife to stand up and and just I want you to to see them.

I'll get into my story now. I'm I'm a guy that's not supposed to be alive. I'm not supposed to live free in society. I'm a guy who always felt a little different. I'm a guy who

as far back as I can remember, there was something wrong with me. As far back as I can remember, I felt weird, different, unique. I felt like there was a great big circle

and you all were in it, and I was in this little bitty circle and I could never fit in. I don't know what that was about. I felt that way all through my life. I remember trying to hang myself at nine years old. I just said, man, I cannot do this. I cannot do this. I remember

going through life

just saying how in the world

can I make it through another day? It was like, you know the hairs like have you ever seen a 220 Volt wire? If you were to strip the coating off that wire

and you were to let the wires arc, that's the way my emotions were. And I went around all my life feeling that way. And I just don't remember ever not feeling that way

until

at about 14 years old, we broke into Mr. Mahoney's garage when he was at work. And we sold some Mets beer. And I had never drank before. And my friends in the neighborhood were sitting around and we put it in the Creek and they started letting it get cold. And we were acting goofy and swimming and stuff and diving off the trees into the Creek. And then all of a sudden they said, hey, it's cold enough there, let's drink it.

Little did I know that something was going to happen that was going to alter the course of my life.

Little did I know that the absence of that feeling would be intolerable, more intolerable than it had ever been before. The 12 and 12 talks about sometimes the pain and suffering and human and sobriety is more constant and more acute

than when we were drinking because we took away our medication.

I drank that and all of a sudden I got these little needles sticking out of my nose. All of a sudden I wasn't this fat Roly Poly Sissy stutterer. All of a sudden I felt like I was enough. I was in that circle and I felt great. It was a good feeling and I rode that for a long time.

That feeling

is what the doctor's opinion talks about. Men and women drink essentially for the effect. I didn't drink the I hated the taste of it, but it just felt so good and I would do whatever it took to get it for many, many years.

I eventually got married. I met a girl whose daddy owned a car dealership. Now where I come from, that's what we call love at first sight.

And I began to court her

and we got married and my drinking escalated. I was not equipped to be a husband. I was not equipped to be a father. And I want to give you an example,

but before I do this, I, I just want, I just want to say one thing. This Club 12, they're talking about it. My sponsor asked me to join Club 12. He said this is a way

for you to become responsible. And I any, he sold me on that idea and I went up there and I paid those dues. And every month I'd come up and it would be hard some months, but I went up there and I felt like I was responsible and I was this, I took ownership of this club and I just want to put in a little plug. That's a good thing. The other thing is, you know, we've got the singleness of purpose and all. And one day when I was new, I came in and I said my name is Joe,

I'm an alcoholic,

I'm a food addict, I'm a sex addict, I'm a manic depressant, I'm a drug addict,

I am an obsessive compulsive. And my sponsor was sitting in the room, he says.

That's not good.

And he says, for God's sakes, what are you doing? And I said, well, I didn't know, you know? And he says, listen, you got to find yourself within the confines of those first 164 pages. You've been outside that circle your whole life. And what you're trying to do is keep yourself feeling different, weird, unique and saying you're special. If you can find yourself within the confines of that first 164 pages, there's going to be hope for you.

So from now on,

out of respect, you introduce yourself as an alcoholic, he said. You don't go to the Catholic Church and say I'm Southern Baptist. Change your homily to Hellfire and Broomstone,

I said. All right, well, one day I pulled up to the club and he wasn't there.

And I'll tell you,

here's my time to shine.

I introduced myself and I got to tell you, I think this is true. I introduced myself and I said my name is Joe and I'm a pig.

You know What's that? I'll drink it, snort it, snip it, shoot it, smoke it, fight it, or have sex with it if it'll change the way I feel about me.

I bet you we have some other pigs out here, right?

Well, I sponsored a group of guys and every Sunday night we'd have about 20-30 of them and we would be having a big book study over at my place.

And we said we got to name this group. We got to name this group. And they were saying, you know, we really like the pigs thing. We really like the pigs thing. I said, all right, well, let's call ourselves the pigs group. And we did. We were a group of pigs. We were people interested in growing spiritually

and and and I had this wife who says you keep your hammy hands off me, you drink like a pig and you run around with a bunch of other pigs.

And I wear that as a badge of glory. Now

when when we we, when then we decided that once we work through the steps and you become where you're you're sponsoring, then you should be something more than a pig. He said, yeah, why don't we have hogs? And that would be helping others grow spiritually.

This program of Alcoholics Anonymous

for me

isn't a self help group.

It isn't a program that you go to for me, that I go to to get well and so that I can feel better, isn't it? It isn't a program where I can go and I can meet a woman. It isn't a program where I can go and I can get my job and keep that. If that's what I was coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous would give that to me and then I could go.

Alcoholics Anonymous is a program that got me where I could go there and help others

grow spiritually perfect and enlarger spiritual life, that's what. That's the tether that keeps me grounded.

Anyway, that's enough about that.

When I was married and sent up in Kansas City and I married this girl and she was going to divorce me. So I did what any good self respecting alcoholic would do. I got her pregnant. That that kept a marriage together. See.

But this is an example.

This is an example of my thinking.

When she had she, she had our daughter and we were up there and she was doing this Lamaze, they called it back. Then you give me two ice, you know, here's what an animal I was. I said for God sakes, here's the ice. Come on now, come on. You Alright? How far is the contractual? I'll be right back. I go downstairs and drink.

I'm not proud of this.

And then when she had our daughter,

I was really snorkered.

And when they, when we went in and they pulled the baby out, I did not know this then. I, I, I wish I wouldn't. For those of you out there, I wanna let you know when they pull the baby out, when the baby comes out, the lady, the, the mother's temperature drops down and she starts to shiver. This is how sick I was.

I kissed her on the cheek and she was cold and shivering and I said you've been cheating on me.

And they threw me out of there because I made a scene and I went and I got drunk and I got in a car wreck.

You can't make this up on my Facebook page has a picture of me sitting in a wheelchair with a neck brace and her standing behind me like this. And,

and we're looking in the aquarium, you know, where they keep all the babies

and the nurses don't treat you nice. I mean, for God's sakes, women give births 24 hours a day.

I got in a wreck that happens what, once, twice a lifetime? And they treated me mean. I just didn't understand it. Her father came up and told me that she was going to divorce me and and how horrible I was and he hated me and he had every right to do that. And I had written him a check because his bookie

was coming down running he didn't want his wife to know about. I really wrote him a check for $5000 and I put loan and he put hyphen payment on it

and I tried to get that back when we were separated and he said no, no, no. And he he character assassinated me.

Well, the reason I'm telling this

is for two reasons. First off, that is sick behavior. That is sick. But I want to talk to you for a moment about untreated alcoholism. If you're new out there and you're thinking, can I ever get this? Can I ever stay sober? Is this really, I know they're talking about this higher power, but they're talking about Jesus. You know, if you're out there and you're saying, Oh my God, if I got to find a God is all the things I've done, there's no way I'm ever going to be able to stay sober.

My talk today is to you.

If you're out here and you have many years and you're saying you know this, I'm just

he's up there talking. It's funny, but my checking account 600 overdrawn. My wife hates me. I go to meetings and it's the same thing over and over and over again. My talk is to you,

this lady, we got a divorce and I came to San Antonio some swearing, never, ever, ever to drink again. And I want you to know I made that promise and I kept it for two days

now this thinking that I have. You know, when you when you sober up a drunk horse thief, what do you get? You get a better horse seat that's sober.

Five years ago it was my wife's a a birthday and we go to LaGrange to celebrate it. That's our district out there. And she gets up there and she starts crying and talking about all the friends she has.

I have like 12 years sober at that time. And she comes and sits down next to me.

I said.

You didn't say anything about me.

I'm ashamed. My sponsor tells me I must tell this. I left her there and I went home

and she caught a ride with some friends of ours who she likes better than me.

And I called my sponsor. He said you did what said. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that that just affect. He says you're an idiot. You go over there right now. Well, that's that's untreated alcoholism. That's where I go back. The other thing is I want to tie into this, this this wife who had my daughter, my oldest daughter in Kansas City

and her father-in-law.

When it came time for me to make my amends to her father-in-law

or her father, my, my ex father-in-law, I called him and he wouldn't get on the phone and talk to me. And I talked to Jim and he says we'll call again. I called three times. Finally he agreed to talk to me Sunday at 1:00, not 1259 and not 101, but at 1:00. And I called him and I said, Bill,

I'm a member of a fellowship and I'm trying to get my life in order. And I've been living life pretty bad. I've done some things to harm you. And I can never get over my alcoholism unless I clear away the wreckage. And I'm calling you to make it right. And this was the last amends I had to make it that time.

And he said, you want to make an amends to me, drop dead and die. I hate your guts. You've rent our family. Don't you ever call me. I don't care if you get sober. In fact, I wish you'd die any hung up on me. By all accounts, that was a horrible amends right

now, let me tell you.

Let me tell you why. What happened?

I walked in

to my bathroom and I was shaken and my look is going like this. And I had these tears coming down and I wasn't angry. I wasn't sad. I didn't know what it was. And I looked in that mirror and there was somebody I hadn't seen since I was seven years old looking back at me.

That's what Alcoholics Anonymous has done it. It got me tender, it got me fresh. It got me feeling forgiven

now. One of the things we had to do at that time was to I owed $10,000 in child support

and I thought I might be going to jail sober.

And Jim said you need to go down there and you need to start making payments and you need to find out. Well I went down there and I found out what the state of Texas wanted me to do because they were up in Missouri and I had to go through all of this. I called up my Y ex-wife and told her the deal and everything. Four days

a year later,

what's still going on? And I get special delivery and I get a FedEx and I open it up and it is a notarized release

of the $10,000 in child support, which was down to nearly 5000 at that time. And I looked at it and I said wow, manna from heaven. This a a stuff's great. But here's the kicker, and This is why this story is so important is I looked and it was notarized and guess who the notary was?

It was her father. He notarized that,

you see,

when we had this moment of silence in here and we're trying to quiet our mind, and this is a beautiful thing about Club 12.

There's people who have passed on Arrow and are over in the ethereal who have helped me. And I sure hope I get around to telling you how much they meant to me. There's something bigger than us. Ralph Waldo Emerson calls it the over. So there is something here at Club 12. There is something here that is magic and it is working in, through and as each and every one of us. That second tradition is so powerful. That tells me

the 11 step

is great. It's our current meditation. The 2nd tradition right now is to the group what the 11th step is to the individual. I'm not aware of it, but God's going to touch somebody's heart by something that I'm saying and I'm I don't even know what it is. I'm not going to be narcissistic and pretend to know. And when you're sharing and when I'm in here, there's gods coming through y'all. My job is to sit here and be unclogged. Right over there. There was a go timer, most of you knowing from the Broadway group, and his name was

throughout. And he'd come up to me all the time and he'd say, Joe God is things are face reality. Every time I saw him, Joe God is things are face reality. And I'd say, why do you keep telling me this? I'll write it down on my big book if you'd like. I'll write it down on a piece of paper and give it to you so you won't have to have me even memorize it for you.

Well, I sat down right here and I said, Ralph, why do you keep telling me that? He says someday it's not going to be about anybody else. The big book says either God is or he isn't. God is either everything or he is nothing. What is your choice? He goes, you need to make that decision right now, for then God is outside of space and time. It doesn't exist to him. The language of God is silence. God is things our face reality.

Affirm your choice right now ahead of time when

when the screws are down and the heat is on

right now ahead of time, decide that God is everything. That's what the God is. Things are, he says everything. Everything that happens in God's world right now is exactly the way that it is supposed to do be. And everything that's happened is carving away a way for you to fit in the big scheme of gods. And he said face reality is simply this. It talks about in the big book that the great reality is deep down within, he says.

Need to keep that. You need to keep that open and you need to keep that flow from being clogged. We could do not have room for resentments and fear and anger.

We I lived in Washington, DC for a little while and I used to go to meetings at the US Capitol with a one of my AAA heroes,

Hal Marley. Hal gave me this at the US Capitol. His sobriety date was February 24th, 1964. Bill Wilson asked him to write in the Daily Reflections on February 24th, 1964. He wrote on gratitude and he said that gratitude

is an action, that a, a, something that he does and he lives, not that he goes to. He talks about when he gets up in the morning, he hits his knees and he thanks God for three things, that he's alive, that he's sober and that he's a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Then he gets about with a attitude of gratitude, and he said it's a law of physics that two opposing things cannot fit in the same space at once. And a heart that is overflowing with gratitude doesn't have room

for fear, resentment and anger and those petty little things. And

I want to tell you that I hope that if you're here today

that do you just get a little piece of what I wish I could give to you that I have a love affair with Alcoholics Anonymous.

People say, Joe, you drop names and I do. But I will never apologize for having a a heroes. There are giants of Alcoholics Anonymous in this room and have came here up at this podium. I dressed the way I usually wear tie dyes. I spoke in Louisville out last year on Bill Wilson's birthday. No, on on Doctor Bob's birthday, June 10th. And they asked me to wear my tie dye And I said, well, no. I always like to wear a coat and tie to show my respect for what Alcoholics Anonymous

done for me. They said, yeah, but we'd like to. The story behind that is that I had a very, very, very low bottom, and it was dark and it was Gray and it was black most of the time. And there was nothing, nothing that would make my life feel worthwhile. And ever since I came in here and I worked the steps, and God removed that defect of drinking. And when I worked the steps, he removes the ones I'm working on.

I put myself in a position for him to remove them. That my life is bright and colorful and I'm around a lot of people who are. You see through the windshield of my perception. I don't see things as they are. I see things as I am. I can go around and I can have the windshield on the outside and all the things out there looking great, clean, squeaky clean and everything,

but it's not the things on the inside. It's dirty. It's my perception on the inside,

and thank God we have a way out. We can clear that away, clear away the wreckage of our past. We don't have to be. Our past does not have to equal our future. We have a way that that personality change that is sufficient enough to overcome alcoholism

is just incredible. I never thought that I could be up here today. Now, a little bit about that

is

I had been going in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous for a long time. I am a suicide drinker. I'm a guy who drinks too much and I drink to die. I don't want to feel

and I drank and I drank and I drank. There's some humorous stories that went along with that. My daughter was in Durango, Co with us and I got drunk 'cause her mother was not treating me in a fashion which I wanted to be. And so I went out and I got drunk.

Some drunk Indians in Durango, Co rolled me, left me in my underwear and T-shirt. The police came, they were going to arrest me for drunk in public. And I said you can't arrest me. And I said why? And I said, I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

They're rolling on the ground. And I said, I said, you call them and they'll let you know. They'll call the office there. I'm somebody. They know me a Club 12,

you know, they're laughing. They call two guys, they come over and they 12 step me and the sponsors, Sponsee Sponsee, Sponsee Sponsee sponses come because it's one of the first playoffs where Michael Jordan is playing and they're there. What? We're going to get you to the General League. You get there, we want to get back. And I said, what page is that on? You see, I can memorize things, but I can't live it. Where the heck?

So they take me over

and my daughter sees me and I'm talking to my dead brother and I'm crying. I don't have a dead brother.

The the marriage is over. I come back and I'm trying to I'm committing suicide to prove my love to this woman. She just doesn't get it.

Finally she has enough of me and

I'm going in and out of charm schools. Laurel Ridge. Laurie is here and she was in 2000. She checked me and she was my admitting nurse. And she, you know, a a was good, but I think they're a little strict about this not drinking stuff. You know, they take that a little too seriously. And she kept telling me about my drinking. It wasn't my drinking. It was a problem. It was the, it was the odometer loss. It was the women. It was things like that. And she kept talking to me about my drinking. I would go home and we, I would promise her I, I went to seven Acts retreats with the

church. I took everything I could do. I'd say baby, just want what about the kids? Come on, honey. I worked every deal and I, I there that woman went way further with me than she should have. And there was a lady who goes to this club named Susan and her husband was the chief of police. And she would call my, my then wife would call and she would have them come over and throw me out or say I think he's dead. And they'd call over the ambulance and the police would come over and they put

Gurney and my children saw me go through that over and over and over and over. Now why I came to Club 12? I came to Club 12 and I listened when Pat and and

Chris asked me to speak. I said, isn't there a bylaw about having a guy speak at your anniversary who you've 86 out of the club before?

Well, I don't think so.

I threw a chair at Dade Rayfield, for God's sake.

He's sitting there. I can lip sync. To this very day, Dave Ray feels Drunkalog. And I'd say, my God, you people are talking about not drinking. There's no way you could be sober for 40 some years. Jesus Christ. I'm sitting here, I can't believe it now. And I hit this chair and it knocked over and it hit Dade I. So I really didn't throw it. It was just he was in the wrong place. You know

this is going to be my one cuss word. Jill is a couple of his ass kissers now. You all call them sponsees,

ask me to leave. They did so in this way. Get out.

And so I left and I went down to Boys Town. I got drunk. I spent all my money. I somehow got back here.

I said, you know, nobody loves me

Alcoholics Anonymous. My own people have turned on me,

so I was out there. I get a bungee cord. I don't have a belt because I think I sewed it for gas money on the way or something. I find a bungee cord. I wrap it around my neck a couple times. I go out there to the front door. This is why you pay dues. Where's the guy going to commit a suicide of this place? Closer and you know,

I wrapped a bungee cord around my neck

and I sit there.

They're going to be sorry.

You know, in Huck Finn, Huck faked that. He drowned. And he was up in the balcony of the church and all the people were going by. Oh, poor Huck. And I started thinking about that. I said, I'll do that. And I said, whoa, you'll be dead.

Well, that keen alcoholic mind

and I hung myself right there and and, and little Robert right here. I passed out. Well, I had a horrible Crick in my neck and a bad headache and he woke me up. He says, Joe, we're going to call the police. You need help. And I said, Robert, they'll put me back in the state hospital and they'll only eventually send me here. I please don't do that. And I went over there and got a desire to. 7:00 AM

I'm not making this up.

And you know, we talk about on page 132. The theme of this is we talk about on 132 that we recount the and almost relive. It's not I, I believe me, I wish I, I had a I came and I met Jesus and everything was wonderful. I did eventually, but I'm just telling you, I am a crazy Mad Dog alcoholic and I have to seek recovery with all the desperation that I did those things.

I had one more bottom and that was simply this. Remember when Oral Roberts was going to lose his university if and God was going to strike him dead if he didn't raise millions of dollars? I had T-shirts made and was laughing at everybody and it said Lord and it was an acronym for Let Oral Roberts Die. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry

I

I drink 38, I take 38 Xanax, drink a half a gallon Reuniti. That's my wine of choice for death.

I get on the phone and I call, call Oral because he needs money and I'm telling him that I'm going to die and I'm going to pee on baby eyes

on baby Jesus feet and I'm going to be the best satanic Angel there ever was.

And then I pass out. Well, what I didn't know and though for those of you out there is they call suicide prevention and they come knock down your door and that really makes your wife angry. And they took me to the state hospital. But before they took me to state hospital, they took me over to Bear County Hospital. I was in ICU and I woke up from that and I said, my God, I can't even kill myself. I ripped out all everything out of my arms, my nose. I had all this black stuff, the charcoal,

and I said, you know what? This is it. I can't even kill myself. I run over, I open up the window and I jump out and I'm trying to slide through. For God's sakes, I'm on the 1st floor.

Swear to God, they put me on a straight jacket. They take me in a padded van. They take me over to the state hospital.

Doctor Coburn had been there 37 years. He knew Bill Wilson. He was a very good friend of Doctor Seals. And I need to speed up my story. It's part of this. Doctor Seal asked me when I had six months sober to speak up at Starlight. I'm there and I'm speaking. I'm really having a great time. And was her name Libby? She came up as secretary and said, Joe, Joe, you got 5 minutes, why don't you get sober?

Well, when I'm in the state hospital, I'm not in the alcohol. You know, I'm not going. I'm in Colorado unit. There's people that I was in back in 92. I was in the same ward with people who are still there today.

And I went and I met with the psychiatrist and I told Doctor Cole and I said, Doctor Coleman, I've been to Alcoholics Anonymous, please don't tell me to go there. I said, here's what I and I cried and I begged him. And I said, Doctor Colvin, would you please give me a lobotomy? Now that sounds funny, but I'm telling you, I was serious. I've been to Alcoholics Anonymous and it didn't work for people like me. And he said, Joe, there's a lady here who got kicked out of the Navy and she's on our staff and she has 17 years sober.

And she said that she's seen you in and out of here and you're an alcoholic. I said, Doctor Colvin, please don't mention that again. Give me a how about electric shock treatment? You know, I've been so used to plea bargaining, I figured it may work with him. And he says, no, Joe, no. I was in there for 82 days. When I got out, I weighed on nearly 400 lbs. I was awarded the state of Texas MHMR program. I was taking 14 pills a day to sedate them.

Sorry,

thank you people.

I was taking 14 pills a day to sedate the intensity of my emotions. I was living in Section 8 housing.

I was on $480 a month SSI payment. The prognosis was my my wife came in and visited me and my business partner and I was and they got they divorced. The divorce went through everything and I was just going to live. I could never have any pressure. I could never be a member of society. And I went up to New Braunfels and Kate was there and she says, Joe, I'm the one doctor Colvin told you about and I'm going to be your counselor. She goes, I must tell you something.

She goes, You're an alcoholic. This is your only hope.

There's no place else for you to go, she goes. There's hope for you, Joe. There's hope for you,

she goes. You got to get into Alcoholics Anonymous,

you got to start sponsoring, you've got to take those actions. And she shared with me all this and she says

I was awarded the state of Texas. They sent me over here to Club 12,

they sent me to gym. I did everything,

he says. I didn't, but I did.

I did everything he asked me. One other little sidebar is that when I was in Laurel Ridge, the psychiatrist there sent me over to a guy who was also a retired car dealer. And I went over there and it was Jim. And

I said, OK, well, you're my psychiatrist sponsor. He charged me $145.00 an hour. What do you charge? He goes, oh, no. I said no, I don't take charity 165. OK, I wrote it out. He says just put it away. I want something more. Anyway, What what the the rest of the story is this is that Jim had fired this site and fired him and

I was revenged by the psychiatrist. True story. True story.

Well, I came over to Alcoholics Anonymous. I did everything he asked me to do. After four and a half, five months, I was doing so good. They called him, they talked to him and I was released as a word of my sponsor.

That's not supposed to happen. I used to go back there on my birthday and I still have the people that were in there when I was there at the unit I was in. It's not supposed to happen. This is the miracle. We're like a bunch of fish swimming around in water saying, hey, how do I get water? How do I get water? Let me tell you, there's somebody.

I sat right out there

ten years ago with my very best friend in the world and we listened to a guy from Kansas City named Craig, and he and he talked and Mike leaned over to me and he said that's what's going to happen to you, Joe. I said no it'll never happen for somebody like me.

I want you to know the most important thing in Alcoholics Anonymous to me is being sponsored and is beings and is sponsoring and is remaining sponsorable. My best friend Mike, it's 16 years, got a resentment, quit going to meetings, started