The 70th "Old Grandad" Conference in Hot Springs, AR

Hi, I'm Billy. I'm an alcoholic

by the grace of God and Alcoholics Anonymous. My sobriety date is January the 5th the 1990 My Home group is a design for living big book study group in Wall, NJ. If you ever find yourself on the Jersey Shore on a Sunday night. We seem to be getting a lot of attention lately. The Jersey Shore

S all of a sudden on the map.

I, I want to thank the committee for asking me to come here and for graciously being so hospitable to my wife and I,

I, you know, I, I'm, I'm always an, or of any AA committee, most of all, because I know that probably it is a lot of people or there's a small group of people in this room who for the last 365 days have probably put their heart and soul into this event. And having done that a few times,

I know there's also probably another group of people who have done nothing the last year, but have a lot to tell the people who've done everything the last year, how they could have done it better. And that's a difficult part of being involved in a, a service sometimes is, that's just what you open yourself up to, you know, but the reward is not the thank yous. The reward is staying sober. So regardless if somebody has something to say, how you could have had better ribbons or been in a better hotel or a better weekend or whatever it will be. That's just the story of

service. I, I learned a long time ago from a man who's a lot smarter than me that if you want to stay involved in a a service and you always have to get your way, it's probably not the right Korea track that, that more often than not, probably you're going to have to do things like compromise and, and do things that don't come naturally to people like us. And

but that was a good lesson for me to learn because, you know, I love a history and I love a comes of age. And I love that they've stressed that point over and over again. That no matter what, the group always knows better than any of the smartest people that have ever come to a A. And that even if the group is wrong, they'll find out a couple of years later, but that their right to be wrong is more important than my right to be right. And for a guy like me to say that that it, it have come

long way in that way that that I'm not always right.

I also want to say thank you because

I travel a lot for work and I'll be very honest, I get to eat in some pretty good restaurants from time to time. But last night I got to go to Waffle House and whenever I come down South, I go to Waffle House. I can't get that where I come from. We have Pancake House, we have all, we have Cracker Barrel, but Waffle House for some reason still stays below Virginia or just around that border. And I can't say I want a triple order of home fries, smothered, covered, diced and peppered.

So I, I appreciate that.

Um, and for anyone who's new, that's you. I just want to get a couple things out of the way.

The first thing is that this is a podium, not a pedestal. And so I'm standing behind it, not on top of it. I'm, if I say anything that sounds offensive to anyone in this room today, I'll be glad to hear what you have to say to me afterwards in the hospitality room. But I also want to stress that I don't mean to ever disrespect the podium of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't ever mean to hurt anyone's feelings in the audience.

I just also, I just believe very strongly that

the way I drank was not very respectful.

Where I come from and how I was raised to deal with other people is not very respectful. So in order to be truthful and make some things very clear, sometimes some of those things sound maybe a little bit off color. But it is not meant to hurt anyone. And I would encourage anyone that hears anything that I say like that to wait to the end because probably there's some reason that I'm mentioning it that later on has played a pretty important part in my sobriety.

And for anyone new here that doesn't like a A and doesn't believe in God, I have another message. And that message and that message is, if that were the requirements to be an AAI, you would have a different speaker today.

There's no requirement that you have to like Alcoholics Anonymous to come here or to stay here. And there is no requirement that you have to believe in God when you walk in the door. And, and I'm, I, I, I hated Alcoholics Anonymous and now I love a, a, a lot today,

a a real lot, but I don't think it comes in comparison to how much I hated this place at one point. And I'm going to get into that quite a bit. But where I come from,

this is not where we grow up and want to come. This is not what we look forward to. I come from an Irish Catholic family. That doesn't make me an alcoholic, but it sure gives me a lot of other

ways to believe and think. And one of those ways is that people come to a a acquitters and people come to a a are traitors. And drinking is just a way of life where we come from. And there's us and there's them, and there's a lot of uses and them's where I come from, and I'm going to explain a couple of them.

A is not the only us and them. And I'm probably going to be brutally honest about the uses and themes that I come from. A so I want to get, and then I want to get three things out of the way so I don't lose track of them. Like the speaker said last night, no, no souls are saved after 60 minutes. That's just the way it goes. You know, whether it was Joe or Charlie who used to say it all the time, that the mind will only absorb what the behind can handle.

I I believe that, you know, you can only absorb as much as you can sit in a chair,

but there's three things I just want to get right out of the way and that's al Anon, icky Pennsylvania and service. The 1st is al Anon. So let me just be as honest as I can be about al Anon without telling any terror. I have no al Anon jokes. I have no al Anon handshakes. I have none of that. I have to be

entirely honest, without the worldwide fellowship of Al Anon family groups, I would not be your speaker today either. That's just as simple as I can put it. Although my mom wasn't the most active and probably the greatest member of Al Anon, because of who she married to and because of how her son turned out,

she wound up gracing those doors. And you know, one thing that I'm clear that she learned is that God had a plan for her son and that God's bottom was none of her business. And that as hard as it was and as painful as it was to watch your son hit bottom, that she had been interfering in God's bottom for a long time and fixing and managing and controlling, whether it was her husband, me, the household, keeping up appearances,

We all know the same old story. And I believe in a family disease of alcoholism to the core. And I'm going to talk about that today. But I am clear, you know, sometimes, you know, if you're new again, I really identify with new people. You know, I try not to forget what it's like to be new because I went through that period of time in a a where I forgot what it was like to be new. And I just became a preacher and dogmatic and militant. And there was either one way to get sober or there was no way.

And what I found to be useful to newcomers is to really be honest about how you were as a newcomer. And that's what I try to do. You know, I came into AA in the 80s, and I'll just share one thing about AA in the 80s. There were a lot of other fads going on. There's always fads and Alcoholics Anonymous. There's always some new trend going on. And

last night the speaker mentioned old timers. And the reason I love old timers

is because they love good old basic Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, that's what they love.

And

AA in the 80s was a different place. Not that it was better or worse, but if we were a teenager, it was a different place. First of all, you could go to treatment whenever you wanted to go. There was no restrictions. Health plans hadn't caught on yet. And if you were a kid that was in and out of AA in the 80s, you knew the best treatment centers, the worst treatment centers. You had the whole deal down. And so,

but if you're new, sometimes you hear things in a a that don't make sense.

And so when I tell someone that they should read the big book, it's not so that I can become their teacher,

it's because I want them to know what a A is and what a A isn't. And I've had to learn that what a A isn't includes the notes in my big book, includes my highlighted pages, includes any special spiritual thoughts I thought I might have had one day that I should share with others. What a A is, is the black print in the big Book. And and that print is very clear on a lot of things, but sometimes when you knew, you hear things in meetings that just don't make sense.

And so when I mentioned my mother's

participation in Al Anon and my early entry into a A, one of those things I used to hear was there's nothing worse than a belly full of booze and a head full of a A. Well, that's not my story. I wish it was. It's just not mine. I might have thought about a A maybe the next day at three O clock in the afternoon when I woke up.

I might have thought about a A before I went out drinking. But you know, I sometimes see people in meetings talk about crossing a line.

Now, I'll try to stick to the stinginess of purpose because sometimes line has a different definition inside certain rooms. But I'm talking about the line of alcoholism when people say they cross the line. So you're looking at a guy. I don't know anything about a line. I've never seen that line. I don't know where it is. I've never crossed it. I've never been on the social drinker side of it. I don't even know about anything about it.

I don't have any judgment that if you were on one side of the line and came to the other that you're not an alcoholic. That's not my business.

I can just share my story. I'm a rip roaring, get hammered, get violent alcoholic from the very start. I've never not known how to take a second drink ever in my entire life. I just don't know anything about that type of drinking. Now if you want to ask me, I'll tell you what the worst thing is. Having a belly full of booze in your mom's head full of Al Anon. That's that is

that is. That's a bad combination. When you're a 16 year old boy who drinks the way I drink,

then you're in for some trouble and the first drink gets you drunk. That one will drive you crazy, especially if you're like me and I've been wearing my drinking like a badge of honor since I started drinking. I was not ashamed of my drinking, ever. Not until the end, soon as I found out that I inherited the gift from my dad and my uncles that I could drink better than most people.

That I could sit down with kids who are four years older than me,

who have 50 lbs heavier than me and I could drink them under the table. I wore that like a badge of honor. So I would never admit the first drink got me drunk. Maybe the first shot of tequila after the eighth tall boy got me drunk. But you know, I went to DWI class when I was 17 years old and I would hear people say this. So I have a real debt of gratitude to Al Anon for my bottom and then icky pot. It would be hard for me. And sometimes I speak and I forget to mention it.

I know because especially what young people's a A looks like today in a A compared to when I came into a A, you know, I talked about what about all these fads in a A. And when I came into a A, it was very popular to be a recovering Catholic or, you know, there were other authors out there and I needed to get in touch with my inner child. And, and I'm not saying people don't need to do that

or, you know, you know, that you need to get in touch with your feelings,

but I don't, my experience is the kind of drinker and alcoholic that I am is that once I stop drinking, I don't need to go on a search for my feelings. That's just how I drink. You know, I haven't had a feeling for a a very, very long time. And even when I was newly sober, have a feeling light up in Newport. I mean, I, I stayed away. There was no search required. And so I have a debt of gratitude to Icky Paw because

in 1992 I was on the committee for Icky Paw. And

you know, I had heard all this thing about young people's is not a A and all this other stuff. And

I'm, I'm so glad I learned so much from that committee.

So many lessons against my own good thinking that usually is, you know, gets me into trouble to begin with. But so many lessons. And now I keep our returns to that same hotel in a couple of days. It's hard to believe, you know, now I'm old and, and icky pause coming back to the same hotel. But, you know, a couple of lessons I learned there, and I learned them from good people is, you know, I was an alternate GSR in 1992, but I really didn't go to assemblies.

I heard about this guy called a delegate. I had no idea what this guy's job was, but sounded to me a lot like principle, guidance counselor, social worker or somebody with some kind of authority. And I even heard that this delegate kept track of our young people's committee meetings. And you know, the earliest 7th tradition story and for me is that, you know, going back to 1992 and Icky Powell is going to be in Times Square.

We decided that we needed a $7000 neon sign that said 36 Icky Paw. How else? How could you possibly have a couple of 1000 people come to New York City, young people wanting to dance and not have a $7000 sign? And, and we were pretty flush with money and, and we voted to buy that sign,

but the delegate appeared at the next meeting. And

but I share this because it's an important part of my personal story is that he didn't appear with a service manual to shove down our throat, much like I don't need to put a big book down anyones throat. I he appeared with the cost of the electricity bill at the New York Intergroup office. He appeared with the cost of a soft cover big book that could get sent in a Correctional Facility. And he explained to us how many of those books could be bought or how many months delights in that office could stay on

and taught me such a huge lesson. And that person is the same person who told me if I was going to stay involved with young people, say, hey, that was not a place to learn about the other 24 spiritual principles, the traditions and the concepts that I should stay involved in general service. And as a result, I did. And you know, I, I, I was a panel 49 delegate privileged and and currently I serve as a non trustee director on the AOL service board.

But all because of that early involvement in young people's a a.

And I look around the country today and it is amazing to me that from the mid 90s and the early 90s, I can rattle off the list in my head of aerial officers and area delegates and alternate delegates and people who are serving in general service positions today who came in the doors through a young people service conference. Now I've been to occupy, you have one of the greatest in the nation. I mean, I wish I could say that I have I ever came from a place, but anyone has ever been to occupy. You know why it's one of the greatest.

SO

I just wanted to get those things out of the way. You know, I've raised my hand a lot probably to accept a service position in a A,

but I've learned that ego gets us into him and humility keeps us there. That's just the way it goes. And you know, many times I have not gone my own way. And, you know, I'll just share this little personal notice in my, in my professional life, I deal with a lot of very difficult situations, both financially, union, labor wise, a lot of difficult situations. And I often joke around in my head, if I'm talking to my CEO and he'll say, he'll call me to his office and say, Bill, I need to go down to Florida in three weeks.

And this is the list of problems that needs to be dealt with. And this is going to be an ugly meeting. So just be prepared. And I often laugh to myself when I leave one of those meetings. And I think to myself, you know, this wasn't as bad as like the spring assembly in 1999, you know, or, you know, the Icky paw meeting in 19, you know, the host committee meeting. Like, you know, you know, I learned so many skills in young people's A A from computer skills to learning how to dress, to come in and talk to hotel staff the right way to learning how to deal with people.

Not an AAI am forever grateful. So, you know, just so you know a little bit about my drinking and like I said, I don't want to be disrespectful to anybody here. I told you I come from an Irish Catholic family, a large 1:42 first cousins, not a lot where I come from. My mom has nine brothers and sisters, my dad has seven. They get married, do the math, a couple of kids, four point, whatever, each set of aunts and uncles and you get to that number pretty easily.

And, and I grew up in a family that doesn't believe in this disease.

So the family I come from does not believe in alcoholism. And, you know, during the 70s, when I was a pretty young kid,

the economy was really bad, much like it is today. And in New York City, a lot of people are getting laid off. They were laying off cops, firemen, paramedics. All the union trades weren't working. Everybody was on the unemployment bench. And a lot of my uncles really went off the deep end. But we don't talk about alcoholism. You know,

if something bad happened and the kids happen to hear about it, because in my family, you try to keep information away from the kids is no one would ever say he has a drinking problem. Someone say, you know, the electricians haven't worked in two years. Of course, Uncle Frank is like that, you know, or why did my dad even do something? Well, you know, that the Police Department hasn't gotten, you know, raises and they don't haven't had a new contract in three years. And we're living on the same thing today that we lived on three years ago. And now we have two more kids,

but never ever talk about alcoholism.

But I saw a lot of tragic things growing up

around alcoholism. I just can't get away from that. And I stress that I do not blame my parents or my genealogy for being an alcoholic. I know why I'm an alcoholic. The big book makes it clear to me that I cannot safely drink. I have an allergic reaction. That reaction causing me causes me to keep drinking. Worse than that, the next day when I am completely physically sober, I feel completely uncomfortable in my own skin and my brain tells me the only way to not feel uncomfortable anymore is to drink

again. And we all know what it's like to be in that vicious circle. But I come from a family that has a lot of other things going on. You know, the 12 steps in the 12 traditions are not the family guide. My family, they're not handed to you. You know, I pretty much, you know, where I grew up and raised, you know, I did, I was a racist, anti-Semitic, homophobic,

sexist, and, and, and that's not said as a joke. That's just

in things I picked up hearing certain people talk about we hang out with certain people and we don't hang out with other certain people. And, you know, and certain rules about how it is to be a man in society and what men do and what men don't do. And, you know, I'll skip ahead about 30 years from being now, about 20 years from being seven years old, maybe 18 years old. But it was shocking to me as a young man getting sober to learn.

That most of the things I was taught make you a man do not make you a man. And most of the things I was taught that make you not a man actually make you a man. That was, you know, when I talk to new people how who are struggling with this way of life and it is a way of life and they don't catch on fast. So they think like something's wrong because because they're not getting it as fast as someone else.

My experience in Alcoholics Anonymous has not been that learning this new way of life

has been the most difficult challenge. My experience in Alcoholics Anonymous is learning my unlearning my old way of life has been a much more difficult challenge because it was so inbred and me how I should live. So when you grew up in a household I grew up in,

you know, every weekend when you have 42 Irish Catholic first cousins, it becomes like a revolving door of christenings and confirmations and graduations and 1st communions.

And

when you go to one of those parties, it's the amendment to men and women, the women. That's not, I didn't hear that in a a for the first time. You know, I heard that in my family and I might not have heard it, but I witnessed it. We get to one of those parties. One of my uncles brought a couple of decks of card. One of my uncles brought some rolls of quarters and some singles. And the men are going to stay here and the women will stay there. And if it's New Year's Day or Thanksgiving Day, then there's football games on. And so somebody probably brought a bookies phone number so that somebody can call in a last minute bet on a football game.

That's just how we roll in my family during the 70s, you know, And maybe the men and women cross paths at the dinner table, maybe.

And at the end of the night, it all ended the same way it all ended. Like a Cops episode. Just turn on Cops one night and you can watch my family.

There are kids up screaming, being held in the arms of parents, partially with their day clothes on, partially trying to get them in pajamas. They should have been in bed hours ago. Someone is screaming at someone else and someone is trying to get someone's keys from someone else. That's how it goes. And in my family, you know you don't disrespect someone. And if you're a woman, you definitely don't respect your man

and disrespect him by asking for his keys in front of someone else.

You just don't do that. If you drove there, you drive home. That's what men do. And so those things would just ingrained in my head. And I saw a lot of tragedy as a kid. And, and what I didn't see, I heard about. I knew that two cops on the same, my dad went to the same. Saint Patrick's Day, by the way, is a season where I come from. It's not, you know, I don't want to say Saint Patrick's Day, you know, because that kind of doesn't give it enough. Saint Patrick's is a season.

It starts at the end of February and it closes right before Easter,

you know, at the end of March. But I knew that two cops my dad knew were driving home from the Saint Patricks Day parade at 4:00 in the morning, and that one was in a blackout and took out his weapon and killed another. I knew that. I knew that a lot of nights I went to bed and at 4:00 in the morning, 'cause I told you I come from the family disease of alcoholism.

So that means that if you're a drinker and I know you drunk and sober, I know that when you put your keys in the door, by the sound it makes, whether you're drunk or whether you're sober. I know from the way you open the door and the way you're walking, whether you're hammered and it's going to be a nightmare or whether you're just coming in and for some reason or not, you haven't drank. But when I showed up in Alcoholics Anonymous,

I wasn't ready to share a lot of this stuff. I wasn't going to tell you that I used to lock myself in my closet

at 4:00 in the morning, that there was, you know, that I knew the progression. I knew that it started with the voices and the yelling and the screaming and then wedding pictures being broken. Like I knew the progression and I knew enough horror stories that I would just be locked in my bedroom closet in tears, hoping and praying that somehow a gun wouldn't go off. That somehow my dad wouldn't kill my mom and maybe kill himself or my mom wouldn't kill my dad. And

maybe kill herself or some horrible combination of that kind of tragedy.

But the mysterious thing about the house I grew up in is that five hours later, briefly 10:00 on a Sunday morning, when you wake up, it's like you went through the flux capacitor and Back to the Future like nothing happened. Like all remnants of any trouble from the night before is gone. There's no glass on the floor. The pictures that are broken are safely hidden.

Mom is cooking breakfast for before we go to church and my dad is sitting down in his favorite chair listening to the Emerald Society bagpipe band drinking some Irish whiskey. That's just normal where I come from. And no one is talking about what happened the night before so that you start to believe, almost like it's delusional, like almost as if it didn't happen. And you would think that someone who has witnessed that would not want to drink.

Now, when I say drink, and I got to be very clear about this

when I say my first drink in my family, which is not the post a child for mental health. So I'm admitting that I am not talking about what a lot of other people consider their first drink, like going to Yankee Stadium and sitting in a right field bleachers and splitting a beer with my dad is not drinking where I come from. That is bonding. That is in the father son handbook. OK. That's the only tool my dad had. You know, if I wanted to spend time with my dad, it was going to be in a VFW hall, a Knights of Columbus hall,

an American Legion hall, or an Irish Gin Mill. End a subject. And long before I started drinking, I knew the rules of drinking. In fact, I always talk about the when I first started drinking in bars, you know, in high school, I knew a lot that other kids didn't know. You know, I knew that when a man puts a $5.00 bill on the bar, the bartender makes change for you. You don't put it back in your pocket, you leave it on the bar. That's what men do. I knew that an upside down shot glass meant you had a drink coming.

I knew what points on every type of game meant.

I knew what a Super Bowl box was. I knew there were numbers on this side and numbers on this side. I knew what that meant. I knew how to play every game of pool and knew how to play every game of darts. I am a kid who was raised in bars. If I was going to spend time with my dad, now I've gone fishing with my dad, now my dad, you know, listen, I'm a product of the late 70s and 80s, OK? But I have very other than alcohol, that's probably hardly any other substances in my story. Now, I don't say that because that makes me

kind of spiritual giant. My dad was an undercover narcotics cop. So

when you grew up in my house and even after he left, there was no way I was going to come into contact with someone that And then my dad went on to run the DEA task force in the, you know, the section of New York I come from. So there was no way that I was going to like be caught buying something or selling something to someone that worked for my dad. So, but I say that because,

you know, a lot of times we get, I have my own belief on the 3rd tradition and that's what it says in the long form. As for those who suffer from alcoholism, period, I really don't care what other problem anyone has. I care if you're an alcoholic and if you're an alcoholic, welcome home. There's a place here for you where you can find help. If you have a million other problems, welcome home as well because we got a million other people with every other problem that you could. But the the identification is that you're an alcoholic.

But I want to spin it for you for a second on how it worked. In my head.

I believed for a long time that because I didn't use drugs, I didn't have a problem. I believe for a long time that because I separated myself from other people, because they did this and I only did this, that I was OK. Now, Grant, now you should know that that's far, far from the truth.

I drink like an animal.

What alcohol does to me is unbelievable. Whether it's page 21 or 22 of the big book that talks about Jekyll and Hyde, it's unbelievable what happens to me when I drink. And so those times that I split a couple of beers with my dad, I don't count as drinking. What I count as drinking is being in the back. And I'll date myself a little. So, you know, iPods and C DS didn't exist,

but being in the back of like an old Nova or Monte Carlo or Duster,

listening to Black Sabbath with like Five guys and going out one night and getting my first eight pack of Milla, the small bottles, that's my first night of drinking. And that night, although I didn't know it, I changed my life forever

because I had the spiritual experience of all spiritual experiences. I forgot who I was. Not only did I get hammered, but I felt comfortable in my own skin. And you know, I can sum up my drinking story a lot of times very easy. You know that prior to that, you know, age 12 and 13, little adventure. I was not too bad a son. I was not too bad a kid,

I was not too bad a brother. I was a pretty good Boy Scout.

I was a pretty decent kid to have on your baseball team, but I hated myself.

But take a couple of months after that, one night with Black Sabbath and two eight packs of Miller, my life had turned upside down. I was a horrible son, a horrible brother, Not a good student, not a good kid to have on your baseball team if you need somebody to show up and and not a good Boy Scout anymore. But for the first time in my life, I liked myself. Now I run into people all the time of all ages, but I only have my spiritual story.

All I can tell you

is that by age 13 I had a choice between hate and myself and liking myself, and as soon as someone introduced me to an option of liking myself, 13 years. Although it seems very young, I can assure you is 13 years too long to hate yourself?

You know, I run into young kids and I see them and I sometimes I hear people say, well, it couldn't have been that bad. Or you know what,

if there's people I know that we used to write in the book that we've raised the bottoms. And I and I understand that that hopefully everybody doesn't have to be as bad as everyone else.

But for anyone that thinks that young people don't have bad bottoms, that they've been raised. So thank God they were saved all these years of misery.

I have some news for you. Go to your local young people's conference. Pull a couple of people aside. Ask them about their bottoms. If, if anything, the waste is, you know, Bob B from Minnesota is definitely one of my favorite speakers. And he always talks about, you know, is there a big difference between a A today and when he came into a A? And he always says no. But the world has changed,

the surrounding community has changed. What has become acceptable now

wasn't acceptable 4050 years ago for the normal child. And so kids are now doing things way earlier than they ever did them. And you start drinking and you're, you're out all kinds of things. Because if there's anyone who's new or who's sober and young here and you're sober like a year or two, I'm sure you'll identify with what I'm going to say because someone said it and I identified with them as there's nothing worse than being like 24 years old and speaking at a meeting and having someone or have the whole audience

as they're sharing in the discussion meeting tell you how lucky you are to be an AA, how lucky it is that you are two years sober at aged, You know, because when you wind up at AA as a teenager, it does not feel lucky. It does not feel like you won the lottery for life, like you beat everyone in the race you got here 40 years earlier. It's

the people that I run into, men and women that I run into. It means that you have been a disaster since word go. It means that you have accomplished more wreckage and tragedy in 1/4 of the time it takes the average person to get here. So that is not a sign that your life is going well or the bottom has been raised. It is a sign that you need to be an alcoholic synonymous.

And you know, my drinking took off

and I already talked about I'm not a line crosser. I've never crossed a line. I just know what it's like to be hammered. And I know that I like being hammered and I know that I like wearing drinking on my arm like it's a badge of honor. And there's nothing I like more than to be 17 years old and in your parents house when they're away on the Saturday of a football game that Saturday night. And I like nothing more than a bounce quarters off a table into a shot glass. And I like to be sitting across from

who's like 100 lbs heavier than me and three years older than me and on a collision course because I'm going to make him puke or pass out before I do. It's just going to happen. And that's how I've drank from the word go. Now, the way I drink, it's a bad combination because

at 3:00 in the morning, my experience of the type of drinking that I do is that I lose control of justice about every muscle in my body except for my mouth, which seems to to work better. My mouth works better at that time. And so that's a dangerous combination In an Irish gin mill in New York at 3:00 in the morning when you're underage and you shouldn't be in there and you're in the back, out the back door where you're puking your guts out and you're lying on the pavement and some guy with steel tip boots is kicking in the ribs.

Because I just don't know how to shut my mouth. And even when he has thinks that I've had enough and goes back in, eventually I am going to get back up and eventually I am going back in after him. That's just how it went with my drinking. And, you know, my drinking never changed. I wish it did,

but it never did. You know, we talked about progression. Sometimes I'm not a real big fan of that word. I I understand that what people are trying to say,

but I was an alcoholic as much as when I went to my first day a meeting as a teenager as I was when I last got sober at age 23, a month before my 24th birthday. That's just the facts. I might have not known. And you know, there's a lot of people who travel on a country and I guess some people believe that they can actually give people a spiritual experience in a podium. And I know that I can't do that. I can give people a little hope

and maybe a couple of clues, and what I've found is my successes in sobriety are not what help people the most.

It's my absolute failures that seem to be helpful to people to be honest enough about what didn't work and what doesn't work.

You know, as a teenager and Alcoholics Anonymous and I was tricked in to come into a, a, there was a pittance petition filed against me, which is a person in need of supervision. And my high school counselor, I was talking to him a lot, and he was the counselor for the bad kids in school

and not the regular guidance counselor, The regular guidance counselor throwing our hands up a long time ago with me, I was not a savable cause. So you got sent to this other guy, Mr. Pavi, Frank Pavi and God rest his soul because he kind of tricked me into going to AA the first time. He said that maybe even if I didn't want to go for myself, maybe I'd understand why my dad was so out of control.

And when I went to a A, it was a smokers paradise, thank God. And you know, at that age I got suspended or detention or grounded everywhere I smoked, you know, I was young, but in a A they just said light them up. It was great, 16 years old, kicking back in a chair, smoking with the 50 year old guy with no problem. He just wanted was glad to see you at the meeting and wanted to see you come back.

But I remember, you know, those days, and I want to share these with anyone who's knew that.

My only advice to someone who's new in a A is the following.

I can't judge you, I can't teach you, I can't do a lot of things. But I can tell you that before you pick up another drink, it might be very worthwhile to find out if you're the real alcoholic that described in the Big book,

because maybe you're not. And so you're a social drinker or you're a hard drinker, or, you know, the speaker last night talked about it. But if you are a real alcoholic, you don't have the same option as those other people. If you're a real alcoholic, I can't even tell you how many Sunday night meetings I meant to come back to as a teenager and in my early 20s,

you know, something better was going on on Friday or Saturday night. And my plan was I'm gonna drink and come back to AAA on Sunday night. Now, I eventually made it back on a Sunday night, just never that Sunday night. You know, months later, things like that would happen and a, a was a scary place to,

you know, umm, first of all, it's filled with old people. There was not a ton of young people, especially my age and, and where I lived, I wasn't in an urban center. My parents lived on Long Island

and you know, I always say, you know, I travel a lot for work and I've traveled for a, a, a man told me when I was 17 years old, maybe the most spiritual statement ever made to me in my entire life. And it's not one you can find in the big book. It's not one you can find in any of the top 100 spiritual bestsellers of today.

It was the following statement. He pulled me outside a meeting. I was 17 years old. And he said, Billy,

it's a shame that you may be too cool to get sober

because you're a pretty nice kid,

but cool people don't get sober.

I should have listened to what that man had to say that night.

Instead, I just like everything else in my life. Someone tells me something, I just agree with them. And then as soon as I walk away, I'll do what I want to do. Because if I'm uncomfortable in a meeting today or is a good chance, it's because there's like a mirror in my face. Because the worst thing I like to see in a A is some young guy who's too cool to get sober. Because I know what it looks like. I know what too cool to be sober looks like and sounds like.