The Hawaii State Convention in Honolulu, HI

This will be a speaker discussion meeting. Our speaker will share for 20 to 30 minutes, then we'll open it up for discussion. Our topic this morning will be am I being responsible? Please help me welcome our speaker, Steven.

Hey, good morning. My name is Steven and I am an alcoholic. Thank you for the leg.

My Home group is Connie Ali. We meet Monday nights at Saint Andrews Cathedral in downtown Honolulu, so for our out of town visitors, please feel free to join us on Monday night. It's a fabulous meeting.

A little bit about myself. My sobriety date is March 10th, 1986. I'll do the math. That's 24 plus years of sobriety. I came in at 22 and now I'm 46.

And so, you know, I kind of kind of grew up in this, you know,

and I'm really the product of a hodgepodge of people in rooms like this because during those 24 years, I traveled around a lot and I just, you know, we inspire each other and, and I met a lot of wonderful people. And so I'm kind of this this collection of all these wonderful people of, of met. I'm a local boy. I grew up here in Hawaii,

my father grew up here. I like to say I might be white on the outside, but I'm brown on the inside. And I'm definitely, definitely, the islands are my home, you know, But I did have the great fortune to live many different places. So

yeah, the, the topic, am I being responsible? You know, I love being able to speak on a theme because then it makes me really kind of do that reflection on myself and, and see where do I really stand with that topic. So my first reflection on am I being responsible?

What quickly came to mind is the responsibility pledge that we say in some of our meetings, which is I am responsible when anyone anywhere reaches out the hand of A, A reaches out for help. I want the hands of a A to be there. And for that I am responsible. And then I also reflected on the AB CS of this program, which I am absolutely. I was absolutely blessed in early sobriety. My first sponsor beat the ABC's of this program into my head.

A, That we are alcoholic and cannot manage our own lives. B, That probably no human power can relieve our alcoholism. And he would add including sponsors and see that God could and would if he were sought. He said. Steven, as a group, as a roomful of Alcoholics, our primary purpose, our primary responsibility is to carry the message to the alcoholic who still suffers. But you, as an individual alcoholic,

your primary responsibility

is to establish and pursue a relationship with a power greater than yourself. For it is through that relationship that you will be relieved of your alcoholism.

And so that was an amazing gift to get really strong up front in sobriety. You know that God could and would if he were sought and in in my youthfulness and in my eagerness. I figured that would take me about three years to accomplish and about three years out of found God, tracked him down, taking him apart, figured out how this God thing works, put him back together and then put him up on the shelf and

be be happy, joyous and free.

So that's kind of my plan in early sobriety. It didn't really go that way. And,

you know, I like to use the G word a lot and I have been in rooms where people have sensitive ears and they don't like to hear it. But you know, God is part of my life and part of the solution to the problem of alcoholism. And you, I don't know how you can talk about the 12 steps and the principles of this program without intimately talking about that relationship with with God.

So I, you know, just want to put that out there for those with sensitive ears.

I grew up, I grew up here and I grew up in an alcoholic family. And I had my first drink at the age of 15. So I drank from 15 to 22. That was seven years of being on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, you know, to, to through the gates of hell. I mean, it was a wild time. My first drink I lit up like a firecracker and ended up punching my best friend in the face because he was trying to take the alcohol away from me.

The next morning I woke up all beat up

and, you know, my friends are like, you know, what the heck happened to you? And I was baffled. I had no idea. You know, today I know, I know. I carry a disease of alcoholism. And for me to drink one drink, that's too many, you know, and 100 is not going to be enough. And so from for those seven years, I could not predict from that first night, I could never predict with any kind of accuracy what would happen once alcohol entered my system. I was absolutely at the mercy

of what came my way and I did drink before school, during school, after school. I drank whenever it was made of available to me and

in high school I did graduate but I got kicked out of my prom for being drunk. I blacked out during my graduation and I was voted class clown my senior year. So that was kind of high school for me. I tried college.

It didn't workout. The professors expected me to show up to class on time in the morning, which was working very well for me. So I got a job here in Waikiki and I moved to Waikiki because drinking and driving was not something I wanted to do. So I lived in Waikiki, worked in Waikiki and from graduating at 18 to 20

two, I basically just lived in this one little area. You know,

I would go to work at 3:00 in the afternoon, be drinking on the job by 7, get off the clock, be drunk by 11 when I got off work and stayed out to the bars to at least to some bars closed at 4:00. And that was a cycle, you know, and I just, it was, it was hard. And I quickly

became depressed and suicidal. And so really I found the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous through the help of an outside professional who

to introduce me to this. And when I first went to my first a meeting, I knew I had found something, you know, I had that experience of a great weight being lifted off my shoulders. And for that outside professional, I will be forever grateful for truly saving this Alcoholics life. So I I got a Home group, I got a sponsor, I listened to what he said. And then, you know, I've had 24 years of awesome rock'n'roll. But going back to the

am I, you know, being responsible, you know, I have two. So the two main responsibilities, one, I need to show up and be a, be willing

to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. And to me that's a message of hope. It's a message of recovery. It's a message of possibility. It's a, it's a, a message of healing. And then I need to, and obviously, you know, I cannot transmit something I haven't got in order to be of use. I need to pursue a relationship with the power greater than myself

and sponsorship the rooms I've been amazing. But that that sacred and intimate relationship with with another alcoholic where I could really

hear the message and have it kind of tailored to where I'm at in my sobriety really did help.

I I, you know, I did move a lot and it did afford me the opportunity to to work with different men in this program. And that I think, you know, was it was terrific. My first sponsor said, you know, whenever you move, you need to find a local sponsor. Yeah, we can always kind of stay in touch,

but you know, the process requires some some person to person, person time. And so I would do that. And once a day I moved to and I and I got this new sponsor and we were sitting down to do that, you know, kind of get to know each other thing that we do. And I was sharing with him where I'm from and, and then I shared with him that I'm gay.

And then he kind of said, oh, that's cool. And they said, but just to let you know

straight. And then it kind of laughed and said, ha, but don't hold it against me. I was Born This Way

and I said, well, that's obvious. And he said it's obvious I'm straight. Really. No, I said it's obvious you were born that way because given the choice, who the heck would choose to be straight? So

we we hit it off, you know, and really as a gay man, that was never really one of my primary issues,

my sexuality, but it is important to me that I'm able to to be honest with with the people in my environment, you know, and, and I just love that because it's so that one little thing. It was so flip flippant at the time, but it was so true, you know, and it really kind of empowered me on

on how I how I deal with, you know, with my personal, with my personal history.

One of the greatest things that I got as as as a tool to pursue that relationship with, with God was this same sponsor. He told me I had gone to him and I had a lot of anxiety and I would was kind of a little high strung for for many years and I had some kind of problem

that I needed his advice. Now, what I really wanted as far as advice was I wanted him to tell me the correct thing to do.

And I want to answer that correct thing meant tell me what I need to do so I can get my way and I can get the biggest piece of pie, you know, and I come out on top. That's really was, I thought his job, but he wouldn't tell me very specific things to do.

He would tell me things like this and it's just the most absolutely powerful and amazing thing that really helped me, he said. Steven, whenever you find yourself in a situation

where you don't know what to do and you have a lot of choices, there's a lot of things you can do. He said

always error on the side of compassion. Pick the most compassionate thing and do that. Now I have to say it saved me in so many scrapes and so many dramas that if I could just pull to the front of my mind, you know what is the most compassionate thing to do? In fact, if I could even just have that clarity to think the thought compassion, it really would would just stop a lot of this, this internal struggle

that I would have. And the other thing that it took me much longer to grow an appreciation for this saying. But he would say, Steven, whenever, no matter what situation you're in, you can always choose to smile.

And today I totally, totally get that.

It's one of the most beautiful things we can do is just that acceptance. Yeah, just accept whatever is going on and to be able to smile with compassion.

That's cool.

So but my sobriety was really kind of move around. You know, I got a boyfriend early in sobriety. Amazing, amazing guy. And you know, we, we did the, the house, the cat, the car, the travel, the, you know, the friends and I was busy. You know, I did finally go back to, to college and I graduated with a degree and on the Dean's role,

on her role and

kind of moved on. But

what I did is I, you know, I kind of, I saw my pursuit of God is one thing that I did over here. I, you know, through prayer, meditation, and I did do formal meditation classes. I did yoga, I chanted, I drummed, I went to men's retreats, but they were all kind of separate. And then I had my, A, a group, my Home group, which usually was,

I was there not so much out of love and tolerance. It was more out of tolerance for those Home group members.

And then I had, you know, sponsor Swansea relationships. Then I had my boyfriend and then we had friends. So I had a very compartmentalized life. So, you know, if I needed God's help, well, I went over here to the prayer meditation compartment, you know, if those, those grumpy old Home group members which wouldn't do what I thought they needed to be doing, you know, then I went over to the sponsor to complain.

And that's why I really had this dilemma on how do I bring

this all together? Yeah. How do I live a useful and purposeful life that is under this umbrella of a relationship with a loving higher power? Because I wanted that. And I have to say, I know some of you people out there had it because I could see the twinkle in people's eyes. You know, I could see that lightness in people's steps. And in fact, that's one of the things I use that attracted me to my sponsors is they had this

inner magic, this inner something going on, you know, this like this inner secret on how to live life on life's terms.

And,

you know, so I would try to get what they had. And one time, so I move, I have this, this sponsor. And he had that, that amazing quality of just any situation that came his way was he always just was delighted. In fact, one time we were going to A to someone's sober anniversary party and we got a flat, flat tire.

And I was like,

had anxiety because, you know, we're going to be late. And who caused the flat tire? Who left a nail on the road? You know, I'm spinning in my head. It's like, who does that? You know, how do nails end up on the road? And what are we going to do? And, you know, all this drama going through my head didn't faze them a bit. And I knew that it wasn't an act. It was just for him. We got a flat tire, you know, and I wanted that. And

you know, after several years of working with him, this one time I went over to him and I had had a fight with the boyfriend and I had a big drama with the Home group

because they really weren't doing what I thought they needed to be doing.

I went to go tell my sad story to to my sponsor knee. I think he heard the the Home group drama because I was just on the verge of having to go find a whole new Home group, you know, for because of that and then this fight with the boyfriend. And so I think he heard the the Home group one. And then I was in the middle of my boyfriend drama when he stopped me and his old Steven,

stop, start, stop. Because you know, this is just, this is too much, this is too sad. I I just can't take any more of this.

Hey, Cos I can really feel your pain. And I can feel that, you know, you need some peace in your life. You need some serenity. I'm all like, yeah, and I need other people to do exactly as I want them to. But am I? He saw, you know, most people don't. He goes, Steven, most people don't figure this out until after 10 years of being in this program when their head pops out of their backside. But I'm going to tell you this now.

Oh yeah, I think I was at 8 years sober. I'm like, oh, I get this two years early.

He goes, yeah, I'm going to tell you a little secret.

Actually, it's a little a a secret. And right away I'm like, part intrigued and then part resentful. I'm thinking, well, why didn't anyone tell me if there's a secret? Why didn't someone tell me this before? So I'm like, really? He's got my attention. I'm off the dramas now. On to the secret of a a the secret to happiness and serenity and peace and all those good things that were not in my life at the moment.

And so he leans forward and asked me to lean forward, you know, motion me forward and we get real close.

He goes. The secret to A A is this.

There is no secret, Stephen. You've got to apply the steps in your life.

I'm like, what the secret is? There is no secret. He goes, I don't know what you're waiting for, but clearly you're waiting for something. You know, you spend all your time in the drama and the problem. We need to move you into the solution. And it really made an impact. I get why. I mean, most of the impact was kind of resentment at the time. But after that, you know, whenever I find myself in a in a situation I didn't want to be, I would think about that. You know, the, the secret is there is no secret. I gotta, I gotta apply these steps to my life,

got to do the work necessary to create that useful, purposeful life through a relationship with the power greater than myself. So, you know, step by step. And so I kind of really started to, to recommit. I never fired my Home group. I stayed with them. I was able to solve the boyfriend issue and kind of in a step by step do do the work. He's also this this same sponsor who told me at one time that he thought that I was spending more

time with Judge Judy and Bart Simpson than I was with God and that maybe I needed to look at my priorities. And so I did an inventory on how I spent my time. And it was certainly true. You know, I really, my little prayer meditation piece was very thin. And so, you know,

I started to commit to different practices

to pursue that that relationship. I don't have that much time. Do I want to kind of jump forward? I move again to another state. I have to Florida and living on the West Coast of Florida and boyfriend and I are going to the East Coast to South Beach, Miami for for a weekend. And so we're zipping along. We stop off for lunch at roadside restaurant is a restaurant bar and it was full. The restaurant was full. So we ate at the bar

and sitting there and next to me was this stranger

who was somewhat attractive. And we start, we strike up a conversation. He turns out to be an ambulance driver. And that's kind of gory and kind of cool, you know, So we get into these stories of gore as I'm eating my hamburger, you know, hearing all his first responders stories. And then it went on to death and on to dine. And then the conversation moved on to a soul, you know, to people's souls. And I was like.

You know, 10, about 10 years in the program, you know, spiritual, I have this.

So I explained to him, you know, all about the soul. And then I asked him his opinion and he said, well, he, he believes that people have souls, but that the souls have no personalities. And that when we die, this essence, this universal essence of us returns to its source. But the, the personality, the thing that makes us us, you know, kind of disappears.

And it really upset me. I mean, I got like all irritated

on him saying this. And so I go back to my new my Home group and I complain about it, this Ding Dong and his version of the soul. And I'm not here to say I take any position on a on a soul. That is not the point of my story. But I'm complaining and someone says, you know, where it is a spiritual, spiritual axiom that when something outside us bothers us, there's something going on in the inside. And maybe you want to take a look at this on why would your personality remaining behind be such an issue to you?

And so I looked at it and you know what I, I discovered about myself that when, when I had gone back to recommitting after that comment about Judge Judy and Bart Simpson and recommitting to doing a lot of service work and going to a meetings and all that, is that. I really did it from a place of I'm going to grudgingly be in service and kind of chalk up these tick Marks and, and become the best AAR out there. And somehow, somewhere down the road, all this, you know, begrudging

service work that I did was going to pay off. I was going to get Ching in front of the line. Something good was going to happen to me. And that comment really threatened that. It's like, well, if I'm not going to get something, what's the point, you know?

And in that really doing a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself, navigating past the two gatekeepers of personal freedom, which are fear and pride

really, you know, putting pencil to paper, I realized something about myself and that was that a lot of my life was lived as an equation. A lot of my life was about I do this and then I get this. A lot of my life was about I have this, so I must be this, you know, I have boyfriend card this that I must be successful, you know, and

once I realized that I then committed to I was only going to do service work that I did from the heart.

Yeah, that I did because I wanted to, you know, I wasn't going to be in service. I was going to be of service. I was just going to find find that inspiration to move forward with sponsees, with Home group commitments, with carrying the message. And I'm just going to do it, you know, not because I'm going to get some points at the end of the day, but because it's the right thing to do

in the step 7th talks about, you know,

finding that inspiration. Yeah. Finding what it is that a power greater than ourselves want us to do. And my only experience with that is that that inspiration comes in the moment. Yeah. And my only reward has to be that experience of carrying out

that, that request, carrying out that, that mission at the time. And So what out of all that I got was for me,

sobriety is about expression. Yeah. Sobriety is what I, what I do and not what I have. You know, I, I do things because I'm inspired, because that little voice inside me says do it. And oftentimes the reason I don't want to carry out that voice is because that voice is saying something that I perceive as a minority opinion or I or the voices saying something that I feel that I'm going to be seen as less than or the oddball or the screwball,

you know, And that was the struggle to overcome that, to say, you know, I am,

I am committed enough to my relationship with the power greater than myself that when I'm inspired to do something that I will do it regardless of what it seems to cause on the outside. Because I never know when a seed is planted with someone else or with me. In fact, there is this delightful lady I had in a, in a, in a, one of my home groups, Rosemary.

And I just loved her to death. And she was in her 80s

at the time. And she would say humility. For her, humility was something she experienced when she stopped struggling with reality.

And I love that, you know, I, that's the root of my problems. You know, I struggle with reality. I want people, places and things to be different than what they are. And to really get that, you know, it's thing, let things be.

It was kind of my, my, my task on that. So another very important journey for me that happened in in Florida

was

this this one day I was we were living on the West Coast of Florida and I was out on one of the keys and I was rushing back to the mainland to do something very important, I'm sure. And I'm crossing this low lying bridge that connects the key to the mainland. And in the middle of this low lying bridge, there was a drawbridge to let watercraft pass through while I'm, you know, speeding late for something. And the crossing arms go down, which raised my anxiety. I'm like, Oh my God, now I'm going to be even later. And so I

the car

and in protest, I turn off the car because that was going to show whoever was out there, you know, how displeased I was that I had to wait. So I'm sitting there, I'm looking at this beautiful sailboat slowly make its way through the opening in the drawbridge. You know, I'm just, I'm just in a normal, you know, kind of irritated space. You know, let's get this over with. Let's move on. I was not

in the Lotus position.

I was not, you know, smelling incense. And I my attention gets caught by this bumper sticker on this car in front of me. And it was an old beat up white Toyota. I remember it vividly. And the bumper sticker said this. It said, are you a human being having a spiritual experience or are you a spiritual being having a human experience and completely with no

you know that prayer meditation place. I had this moment of amazing clarity

and that clarity is that I am both both a spiritual being having a human experience and I'm a human being having a spiritual experience. And the difference, the thing that determines how I will experience my day is the actions I take. My actions determine my experience of life. You know the, the the book talks about this is a program of action. This is a program of doing. And if I want to be a spiritual being having a

experience, I need to do certain things. And if I want to be a human being struggling to have a spiritual experience, you know, I do certain things, you know? And it was real clear that my actions determined the way I experienced life. It seemed like I had never heard it before, but it made a difference. And when I did, shortly after that, I was working with a sponsee.

Well, I'd like to say, OK, so I have this experience

and I'd like to say I, you know, elevated and life just got better. But it didn't, you know, as soon as the crossing arms on this bridge went up and I speed off, you know, I quickly forgot this insight. But I was working with the Swansea not much later and I was showing him with him. That wonderful thing, that tool that really helped me is whenever I'm in a difficult situation, just air on the side of compassion, do the compassionate thing.

And I had this little insight that I was going to recommit to that practice.

And I was just absolutely going to only do compassionate things. And I was going to be the most compassionate human being, you know, pushed the Dalai Lama aside, You know, it's going to be Steven. So I started the practice on a on a Sunday night. And by Thursday after lunch, I said if I am compassionate to one more SOB, someone's going to die and it's not going to be me.

So I gave that up. But

but it gave me pause that why if being compassionate is the right thing to do, why is it so difficult?

You know, we have this amazing tool in this program called reflection where we can hold the concept, an idea, just kind of hold it in front of us and not make it do anything, just sit and wait. And I was doing that, you know, with this concept. Why is it so difficult if doing the right, if being compassion is the right thing to do, why is it so difficult to do? And I just kind of

contemplated on it and my my answer came to me in the form of a quote and as a quote by a very famous

20th century person. And this person is quoted as saying the most important decision a human being will make in their lifetime

is the decision of whether they live in a friendly universe or a hostile 1.

And I really sat with that. And I went inside and I did that fearless, searching moral inventory where I navigated past those two gatekeepers of personal freedom, fear and pride. And I really looked at what is the nature of the universe I live in.

And at first, I pulled up a whole bunch of experiences from my childhood and on that were very unpleasant, that were abusive and were filled with pain and humiliation and loss.

And I said to myself, well, the reason it's so hard to do the right thing is because we live in a hostile universe. We live in a universe that, you know, we have to get what we can, you know, at someone else's expense. You know, you get yours. I get mine. And that's why it's difficult.

But I stuck with it and I went in and I found a whole nether set of experiences from my personal past. And those were experiences filled with just amazing joy and gratitude, amazing people and places and things that I've had come into my life. Those things that are absolute proof that there is a loving power greater than myself that I have

the great fortune of pursuing a relationship with.

And so I said, well, no, The universe must be a friendly place.

I think what makes that quote so powerful and personal to me is it talks about making a decision. Step three talks about making a decision. You know, it doesn't say, based on your life experience, conclude logically that it is in your best interest to turn your will and your life over through the care of a loving God. It says make a decision, you know,

and I decided that since I was pursuing a relationship with a loving

higher power, that this loving higher power has created a friendly world. In fact, I would go past that. And I'll say today that I live in a universe that adores me, that blesses me, that chases after me, you know, that conspires for my benefit. And I can accept people, places and things for exactly the way they are. I don't have to struggle because everything is as it should be that this loving higher,

it did not make any mistakes that this loving higher power is in complete absolute loving control of my life and everything that comes in. And my responsibility is not, you know, to fend off the, you know, the bad stuff. My job is to make myself available for the blessings and for the usefulness that that Creator finds for me at any given

moment of time. And it was a beautiful thing. And I think it's so much affected my path. You know, I now see the spiritual path as being broad and roomy, always inclusive, never exclusive, that everyone is in the right place at the right time right now and no one has anything they need to apologize for to me, ever.

You know, the great divine of, of, of felt within myself and found in the rooms

is the divide between those with continuous sobriety and those with intermittent sobriety. And for many years, I thought the winners were just the ones who had long term continuous sobriety. And I kind of poo pooed those who, you know, found the need to come in and out of these these rooms. And my best friend from high school, my very, very dear friend,

was alcoholic. And

as I

travel my path, I had the, you know, the, the pleasure and, and the pain of experiencing him traveling his path and, and it led to divorce and, you know, loss of his kids and his jobs in his house and his car and, and everything. And he just could not get,

he could not just put the time together. You and I watched his trajectory towards pain and I tried shame and humiliation and blame and said, well, you aren't taking it serious enough and all that.

And a few years ago, I got the call, you know, that he had been found dead and he had been dead for five days in his apartment. And, you know, when I took away from that was this very intimate, loving experience that, you know, we all do the best we can. We're all blessed with what we have, you know, and, and the best thing I can do is just show up and, and be useful, you know, and

if I could go back and, and change anything, I don't think I would. You know, my path has brought me to such an amazing, beautiful place that I just, I adore people, places and things in my life. And my great lesson for this year, because I always like to kind of talk about where I'm currently at in the moment. My great lesson this year is that

I don't have to have things go my way in order to be happy. In fact,

sometimes I found myself happier and tickled and thrilled when things don't go my way. And that is a new freedom and that is a new happiness, you know, far beyond what someone could have said. Hang in there, you know, things get better

because it's it's been delightful.

I think that's about my time. But I do want to share this one other story that just tickled me to death

is a few years ago. And it was with the sponsor and I was doing one of those traffic shares, you know, where I was complaining about the traffic on the road. And

you know, the the drivers were too slow, the light, the lights were way were red, way too long. There was potholes, construction, all that drama. And it was irritating me and, and my sponsor said, well, Steven, I'd like you to go home

and I'd like you to get on a map and I'd like you to route 5 different ways to work and then five different ways back from work. And the next week I challenge you to take those different routes. And I love a challenge. So I said that. Sure. So I went home and got on a map, did the five different ways in five ways back. And the next, I think it was like couple weeks later when when we met again, he asked about it. And so I explained, you know, the clever ways that I

had, you know, I figured out to my clever routes. And then I said, but still too many lousy drivers, the red lights are way too long, potholes everywhere. You know, he nodded and smiled. And he said, I'm Steven. What's the point of that time you spend in your car in the morning?

Rather odd question I thought, but I am used him and I said to get to work and he said what's the point of that time you spend in your car? You know on your in the evening and I said to get home from work.

He said you have a primary purpose and that is to establish and pursue a relationship with the power greater than yourself. Use that time to pursue God.

I'll close with this. Many of us have exclaimed what in order. I can't go through with it. Do not be discouraged, for no one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not Saints. The point is we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. Thank you for letting me be a service.