The Lethbridge & Southern Alberta Roundup in Lethbridge, Alberta

Okay,

good evening everyone. My name is Travis Selbers and I'm an alcoholic.

Justice a little better maybe.

OK, so

maybe just start off by just thanking, you know, it takes understanding and can see that throwing, putting together a roundup like this takes a lot of work and, you know, a lot of self sacrifice.

It doesn't just happen. There's a lot of money and a lot of preparation and I really appreciate

all, all that has been been done for me. And, and, you know, just thank you the committee for for being able to, to put on an event we can all get together and, and

share experience, strength and open.

Yeah, Tyler, Tyler Feeks gave me a call. And, you know, I couldn't couldn't have called from A at a better time there. I was at work, I was working a night shift and man, I didn't want to be there and

I want to be home with my wife. And, and you know, I was getting a little bit of razz from, from the guys at work. And

he called in and just totally changed my day right around. And I probably, I got the message and, and probably sat in my chair for about two minutes or five minutes and absolute amazement. You know, it was the longest time I paused ever. You know, it was, it was, yeah, it was pretty, pretty mind blowing. I, I couldn't believe it. You know, I, I got this, this joker I discussed maybe to start off a little bit of humor. I could probably recite it

from my memory, but I don't know if I'd like to do that. I'd probably miss the punch line or something. So,

you know, feel free to laugh, you know,

make me feel a little bit better anyway. But you don't have to.

Friend forwarded me this. This is now this is drunk. A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends played with him to let him take let them take him home. He says no. He only lives a mile away, about five blocks from the party. The police pull him over. They check his license and ask him to get out the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out. A notice of robbery is taking place in the house around the block. The police tell the party animal just to stay put,

they'll be back in and they run around the corner to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there he tells his wife he's going to bed and tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and he's being in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and and his wife says yes. They ask him, ask to see him and then she replies he has been in bed all day and has been there.

He has been in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police still have his driver's license. They asked to see his car. She asked why

they insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door and there the police car with lights on and everything is sitting in this man's garage.

This man told this story on his first a a meeting. You know what?

I want to disappoint anyone, but I don't think my story is as intriguing as that would be. But

I guess, no, I don't know there's anyone new here today. If you, you know, probably have your attention for the next 5 minutes. I know that because I was new once and I didn't really pay too much attention. But, you know, if, if you're new or, or the fellowship or the program of local economics and you, and you hear one thing that, that I have to say, I just hope that you hear that, that there is a solution,

the alcohol and alcoholism and, you know, we can recover one day at a time. You know,

it was, it was explained to me in the beginning, you know, I, I always, you know, like, why, why does someone come around here for, for 30 years? And, you know, I always thought, why doesn't this guy get it already? You kind of just, you know, figure this thing out and, and start some more controlled drinking. And, and you know, was explained to me once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. And, and

you take a cucumber and you pickle it and it turns into a pickle. And you can't take, you can't take the pickle out of the pickle, you know, so, so they, they said you, you're pickled, you know, and

I thought, okay,

you know, Alcoholics Anonymous really has, has no monopoly on, on sobriety, but we do have a program of, of action and, and recovery that has helped millions of people stay sober.

No, I'm not a reformed drinker. I don't go go on crusades over drinking, you know, I just know that I cannot safely drink alcohol myself.

You know, when I first got, got into Alcoholics Anonymous, I, I just, I thought I was such a, such a bad person. You know, I did so many horrible things and, and I was just such a horrible person. I was just such a bad person. And, and, you know, working with some people and, and slowly I became to realize that that I wasn't a bad person. I was a sick person,

you know, you know, and, but I had this, this hopelessness and this feeling, my life just felt absolutely hopeless and, and totally meaningless, you know, and that's, that's how I felt when, when I came into the, to the rooms.

Umm, now there really is a difference between communication and listening. And I hope today that that maybe God can, can inspire and work through me and be, I'll be able to, to communicate a message. And, and maybe not as the, IT won't be the message that, that you hear, but, you know, hopefully we'll be able to,

God will inspire me to say something that,

you know, some, some people can be able to take home from this. And it was explained to me in the beginning that Bill W was, you know, was a co-founder of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, and the big book was written with 100 men and women. And, and, and, you know, it was, it was kind of cool to see that, that how Bill writes. He, he's a very ambiguous, ambiguous writer. And he likes to, you know, take a number of different points or try to stress, to stress an idea. He would take

a number of different ways to,

or illustrations to be able to get that point across. And I don't know about you guys, but I sure know in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous that there's, and, you know, we're always trying to, to teach in a different way. And we all learn differently. And and you know, it's, it's always better to to come up with, you know, the, the solutions stays the same and the message stays the same. But, but how it can be carried across can be different, you know, and

you know, it's born in in Stony Plain, AB. I

born in a Catholic family,

parents, good parents, you know, we had a pretty normal upbringing. You know, I was promiscuous at a very young age. I, I just had so many nameless fears, you know, and I just didn't think that, that I could trust many people. I, I didn't, I didn't understand and I couldn't identify with these fears. I just know that I had so many, so many of these nameless fears and and the first drink, you know that the first time I drank it, it took all that away. You and I

can't really describe it except for,

you know, and, and that's what, what the first drink did for me, you know, and it took all that away and I was able to, my skin felt like it fit and, and, you know, whether I fit in or not, I didn't care, you know, and, and that was just the way it was. And, and I was always so worried about what other people thought of me, you know, and, and the first drink took that away and it, and it basically distorted my perception of reality and, and, and eluded me from, from a reality.

Eventually, as I progressed in, in my alcoholism,

I had an intuition very early in my, I guess getting loaded career or drinking career that, you know, I had this, it was profound thought. It was like, you know, if you go down this path and continue to do things, the things you're doing, you're going to have trouble with this for a very long time. And you know, I, I, you know, it was crystal clear and, and I was just immediately dispelled and, and I immediately rationalize and justified the things that I was doing it and my actions,

you know, like it can't happen to me. And, and

you know, I'm too young.

I'll stop just before I lose control, you know, and, and all these different lies that I told myself. And maybe just to give you an illustration of, of where I was in my drinking

a little bit, a little bit into it, I was

drinking at a pub there. And before, a couple days before, I was talking with a member of AA and, and I was thinking, you know, planning and scheming on ways to, to get and more, get more and to be able to use more. And I figured, you know, if I take my truck and if I light my truck on fire, I'll be able to collect the insurance money. You know, I didn't know why I didn't sell my truck in the first place.

Doesn't make sense to me. But this was a brilliant idea. You know, I figured so if I if I light my truck on fire, I'd be able to collect the insurance money and then

go and go on this two week vendor and justice be rolling on dubs. But

I was at this pub and, and you know, I was just, I remember drinking this beer or whatever I was drinking and it was just going down like water and I was just pounding the stuff back. And, and all of a sudden I was, I was, you know, picking fights with, with all my friends.

You know, I was in conflict with my brother. We were outside kind of Tesla and around. I remember that night, I, I tried to call my ex-girlfriend

for a girl. You know,

I, my, my cousin pulled up, he was a little bit late to the party and, and you know, I was always just trying to get warmed up and I always overshot. Hey, you know, my, my cousin, he pulled up and, and I got all this stereo equipment in my arms and I'm, I'm robbing these vehicles all around this, this little puppy. I got radars and, and, you know, satellite radios and then ACD deck. And he says, what are you doing?

I didn't really know. And I threw I asked him if I could took this put this stuff in his truck. And that's all. I remember the night I woke up at A at a buddies place and and

I was looking for my truck and I didn't know where I put my truck a so I figured it must have been stolen. So so I called the the cops and and I reported it stolen. I filled out a police report. I called the insurance company and I reported stolen with them. And then I was at at an AA meeting that night and and the guy that I was told told I would start my truck on fire and and collect the insurance money. I told him I lost my truck and he said, well, there was a white GMC. It was a truck I was driving at the time. And he said that was

just last night in front of there was a white GMC. I don't know if it was yours, but it was on fire in between Stoney and Spruce. And I'm thinking, Oh no, you know, what did I do, man?

You know, so, so I didn't want to, you know, make any. I didn't want to go over there or nothing, you know, I

so I just kept looking for my truck and my truck

turned up three days later I found it. It was way down a back alley and and a number of blocks away from my friends house there. But you know, this is the insanity. I, I just didn't really have a clue and I was just trying to have fun, you know, and you know, just just trying to have fun and made a lot of friends that night. You know, as you can see,

I couldn't handle money. You know, I, I,

I, I really couldn't, you know, I, I'd work a number of different jobs, man. I would work everywhere. I would work on the pipelines, on the rigs or whatever, and, and anywhere that would pay me and I would make a bit of money and I would be gone, you know, and, and they would have no track of me And, and well, that's, you know, that's the, the way I was. I couldn't handle money at all. You know,

I questioned, you know, I really questioned my son. I questioned if I were a psychopath because I really didn't know. You know, I, I thought

I was absolutely the things I was doing and I thought I might be a psychopath. I entered Alcoholics Anonymous when I was 18 years old. You know, I sobered up when I'm 20, when I was 22.

I'm 25 today. I've had three years of continuous sobriety. And to the, I guess for the thanks for the grace of God and the fellowship and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. But but when I got here, man, I couldn't tell the difference between the truth and the false. You know, maybe I could, maybe I just didn't care, you know, and I was, you know, when you're 18 that that's scary. You know, that's, that's a very scary place to be.

I, I was through four treatment centers. Every time I, I went there, I was waiting for the magic wand to come over and be waved over my head and, and to cure me. And, or they, they'd come up with this pill and, and they'd give me this pill and, you know, I would be able to, to drink safely again. I was waiting for the quick fix and it never came, You know,

umm, I thought, uh, I thought I, I was supposed to, to get involved in this one treatment center who was out of Calgary. And this treatment center was, was for a year long. And

I just couldn't see myself staying sober for, for a year, you know, I couldn't see it. And, and I thought that, you know, if I could go to treatment and if they kept me there for a year, that, you know, I would be able to get a little bit of sobriety and maybe a foundation under my feet. And, and I, I thought that, you know, I would never own anything worth anything of value anymore because I never, as soon as I had anything, I would always sell it or give it away or upon it. And, and

I thought I would have to have like a bodyguard. The book talks about, you know, we thought he had to have a bodyguard to, to walk around with him the whole time because he just couldn't,

couldn't stay sober on his own will. And that was me, you know, that was absolutely me. I lost the power of choice in drink, you know, and you know, there was at times there was no mental defense against against the first one.

I was still living with my parents at the time and, and I knew I was on my last legs there. And I came home one weekend from a vendor and, and my dad had my bags backed and he asked me where I wanted to go. And I didn't really know. He took me to the homeless shelter, the Herb Jamison Center downtown.

I just remember when he dropped me off, he was crying and we were both crying and, and you know, I didn't know what was, what was going on and, and I really wanted to, to stop, but at that time I really couldn't, you know, and I was the first time that, that I realized that, that this is serious and, and I probably lost the power of choice. You know,

I stayed in the, in the homeless shelter for seven months. We had a treatment deal there or whatever. And you know, I followed the program. I went into a transitional housing and I went back out again after seven months.

My last, my last drink, I was actually attending school. It was shortly after that I was attending NATO first year Millwright at Nathan and studying and I got through a couple weeks of the course and I was, you know, off to the races again.

I found myself in in a crack shack downtown in someones basement. There were guys that were beating me up. I was threatened that I was going to get tied up in a basement and raped. Everyone was carrying knives and, and,

you know, I come to the door and I'd get my face beat up and, and, you know, I just, I just couldn't all this stuff, man. And I couldn't kept, I couldn't stop from going to this place because that's, you know, that's where I got, I got loaded, you know, and, and I'm an alcoholic, but, but when I drink, it distorts my perception of reality and inevitably leads me to drugs, you know, and I had to come to the source and, and

you know, I, I, I'm an alcoholic, but, umm, when I drink it, it distorts my perception of reality And, and it inevitably leads me back to that first drink. You know,

I, I, I pulled a job from the Millwrights Hall. I'm a, a member with the Millwrights Hall. And I actually went to work in Madison Hat. I had to get out of the city. I just figured, you know, maybe the geologic triple cure or whatever would fix me. And, and I, I took off and to Medicine Hat. This guy, he picked me up, you know, I didn't have a vehicle. I didn't have a penny to my name. And, and a member, he picked me up and, and he, he drove me down there,

you know, he, he put my, my

ruralum on his, on his credit card. He, you know, bought me groceries. He took me to work every day with him. And, you know,

I was just like, how do you find a guy like this? You know, and I knew him a little bit, but, but he knew a little bit about me and, and he knew a little bit of, of where I was going and, and a couple things that I've been through. And, and just out of the goodness of this guy's heart, he kind of trusted me and was giving me another chance, you know, and I'd go to work five days a week and, and I'd walk to a meeting every day.

It was a 20 minute walk. And I'd walk to a meeting every night. And, you know, I'd change the garbages and, and wash the coffee cups at the end. And then I'd walk back and it was winter time and sometimes it was snowing and I just, I just knew I had to go to a meeting. You know, I,

I found this one guy and he wanted me to

write down, you know how how the first time I drank, you know why I drank, how it made me feel. He wanted me to write down halfway in my drinking career. You know, how, how it escalated, how it made me feel, why I drank. What was the outcome? You know, for the first time I drank the middle and, and the last time I drank and I was able to see the disease as described in the big book. I was able to see it progress

in my life. I was able to see the obsession of the mind, you know, taking over. And I was able to see how the allergy works. I went once I put it into my body, you know, it becomes virtually impossible to stop. So I couldn't stay sober because of my mind and I couldn't stop because of my body. And I was absolutely powerless over alcohol.

You know, I, I like to, it was described to me in the beginning, you know, we, we have a daily reprieve, you know, contingent on, on our spiritual condition. And,

and it's almost like, you know, you know, we're sick people, but what we have, we can recover from, from this disease. And it's almost like a person with, with diabetes, you know, you can't see it, but you just know what's there, you know, and, and they just need to get their daily insulin, you know, and that's what it's like for me. The The 12 Steps of Alcohol Extenormous is and the The Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous is is my daily insulin that allows me to stay sobered one day at a time. And,

you know, I, I,

I, I, I stopped running from, from everything and, and all this, this chaos that I was creating in my life. And, and it's almost like the avalanche, you know, you can run and run and run and then all of a sudden you run out of breath and you can't, you can't run no more. And you stop. And this avalanche just covers you, you know, and, and life wasn't peachy for me when I first over it up, you know, it wasn't, I wasn't the greatest thing, but I had a lot of, a lot of stuff going on, you know, and, and that's, that's just the way, the way things went, you know, so, so lack of power was my problem. And I had to find a power.

You know in which in which I could live.

I was then told to to write a wanted higher power ad. You know, and, and

you know, I believed in God. I was raised in a Roman Catholic home, but you know, my God wasn't working for me, you know, so I had to come up with a new one. And so, so I started writing this wanted higher power. And I actually found it there the other day. I've, I've added a couple things to it. And if you don't mind, I'm going to just read out a couple things

I had been involved in in a, a, you know, for a number of years. And I was trying to get this thing and I knew

I seen that, that other people were doing it, you know, So it gave me a little bit of hope that if you can get sober doing it this way, then maybe I could, you know, and I just wanted to, to try and, and hone my beliefs to what the big book believed, you know, and maybe then I could, I could get sober and, and you know, it, it, I, I, my beliefs of, of God are, are a lot different today than, than they were when I, when I came in. And

a friend says, you know, I, I believe in a God today that that doesn't forgive me,

you know, and you kind of think, well, why would you believe in a God that doesn't forgive you? And he says

because he didn't condemn me in the 1st place, you know, and I think that's 100% the truth, you know? And, you know, we make our own problems and,

you know, we, we, we really, I do it to myself, you know, I do it to myself. And, and I kind of like that. And there's so many different things that, that if a guy becomes honest, willing and open minded, open minded, you know, this, this program can take you so many different places. But what I wrote down wanted higher power must discipline me to recover from a hopeless state of mind and body

to change my feeling, attitude and outlook on life, to provide an immediately immediate and overwhelming God consciousness to cede honestly honesty, willingness and open mindedness must create opportunity to be a productive member of society. I never thought I could ever be a productive member of society, you know, and that was important to me. Must be all inclusive, never exclusive. I was sick and tired of all the debates. What's right, what's wrong, this religion is right, that's wrong. And and I was just sick and tired of it. You know, I, I wanted just to believe in

God. That was that was all inclusive, never exclusive, you know,

willingness to to face my problems in the light of a as experience, a power that speaks to me through others people and and leads me to a place safe and protected. I would like to believe in a power that inspires me to place the needs of others ahead of my own,

that will be with me in all my activities when I ask. A power that is understanding and has a sense of humor gives me the ability to tell the difference between the truth and the false.

That helps

my Peace of Mind and prosperity. A power that inspires me to with intuitive thoughts.

It reminds me to to pause when agitated or doubtful. It's a place awareness in, in, in my recovery that that I know I'm not running the show and constantly remind me to to say to myself that I will not mine be done.

I believe in a power that could and would if you were sought. And you know, I believe that God will do for me what, what, what I can't do for myself. And, and I know you, you people,

a number of 80 members, you know, they just asked me a question point blank, you know, do you now believe or, or are you willing to believe? And, and it really is, is, can be that simple, you know,

so, so I, you know, even though like that I wrote down my characteristics of my higher power. I really thought that I found God, you know, but, but I really didn't find God. I just thought that I did, you know, and I found God later on in, in the 12 steps of alcohol synonymous. I was able to and maybe not even glad. Maybe it was this power, you know, and,

and really Step 2 is not about God. It's just about finding a power and lack of power was my dilemma. And, and I had a step one experience, you know, and I became open minded, you know, and I was, I was willing to to grasp on anything, you know.

I really had two alternatives, you know, and you know, I can go on. I can expect accept spiritual help because I honestly wanted to and was willing to make the effort or else I can continue to go the way I was going in. And that way, you know, I knew that nothing good was to come up in, you know, and my a friend in in a a that he describes it in a way, you know, it was almost like a fork in the road. You know, I could I didn't know where where the 12 steps of Alcohol's Anonymous were taking me, but I just didn't know

directly off the Cliff I was taking myself, you know, and I was good enough for me. You know, I was I was happy with that. I came in, I had two misconceptions. 11I I thought I knew what what God was and I really didn't. And and I thought I knew, you know, what, what an alcoholic was. And those really were were two huge misconceptions that, you know, that have a a lot better understanding of, of what that is today.

I was explained, you know, there really is 2 Alcoholics Anonymous there. There is the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, which I tried to stay sober on

for the past three or four years of trying to get sober and I couldn't do it. You know, I had to get involved in, in working the 12 steps and I had to get, get my feet moving and to get get to work. And

you know, they asked me, you know, either either God is everything or he is nothing, you know, and, and what is my choice to be? And, you know, these things are are so simple how the book talks about these things and and

you know, simple, not easy. You know, it's, it's just the solution is simple, but it but it's not easy. You know,

the, the minute I was, I was able to see,

you know, it talks about in Page 60 to 60, three of our big book. And, and the minute that I was, I was finally able to see how I can be the actor and how I can control and manipulate things, you know, in my own life. And it wasn't just, you know, lip service or it wasn't just, you know, I, I, I, I'm saying I, I got it, but, but I really don't, I was able to actually see it in my day-to-day living and in my actions and, and how I'm dealing with things. And, and

that was incredible to me, you know, because that was, that was just the hugest thing that, you know, because you can't, you can't, you can't fix nothing. You don't, you, you can't see, right. And I was finally able to see that, you know, and,

and I thought that was the most coolest thing. You know, I I was the alcoholic who who prayed and prayed and prayed and, and just expected, you know, God to do the work for me. And and you know, the third step first is, you know, God Ioffer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as I will. Then, you know, this is 5050. Feel you know, God's not going to do for me what I can't do for myself. And, and I really needed to, to do the things and take responsibility for myself and, and

the toughest thing in in recovery was, was to get sober doing it someone elses way, you know, because I had all these ideas, man, I had all these different plans and designs for my life. And I would come up, it's almost like being in the ring, just being in the ring with, with King alcohol, you know, and I come up with this idea and I'd go around with king alcohol and eat, knock my ass out and, and I'd be on the ground and, and,

you know, I'd be out for a little bit and, and all of a sudden, you know, no mental defense and, and

I lost the power of choice. And there I go again. I got this other idea on how to recover. And once again I'm knocked out. And that's, you know, that's the way it was. And, and I, I really the toughest thing, I think in recovery was, was to do it, you know, someone else's way because you know, you get involved in and you, they say, you know, you got to get a sponsor. And how does this guy know me? You know, like, what does this guy know? He's never known me. I got to call this guy. I didn't even know him. And I got to follow his advice, like,

what is this thing, you know? But that was that was really tough for me. And you know, the foundation

of steps 1-2 and three were absolutely critical.

I really didn't know what, what my will in my life was. And it was until I, I, I went through up to, to step 7 and I had a bit of a, a more better understanding of, of what my will of my life really was.

There's, there really is a difference between belief and faith and faith and trust. You know, and, and, and I heard one time that there's say, say a guy picks up a newspaper and he sees on the front page that this guy's tightrope Walker and he walks across skyscrapers in Edmonton And, and, you know, you go,

go to that place on my belief that this guy can walk across these skyscrapers, right? And you see them do it. You see them do it once and and you know, OK, well, you know, let's see it, do it again. And then he does it again. And and now you have faith that that he can do it again. You know, first you're going on belief. Now you see him do it a couple times. Now you have faith he can do it. And he grabs a wheelbarrow and he says, you think I can do it? And he walks his tightrope on his wheelbarrow, you know, and you have faith he can do it. You see him do it. And then he asks you, I want to do your trust. I can do it.

And you say, well, yeah, I trust you can do it. And he says, we'll jump in, you know, so,

so there's a big difference between belief and faith and, and faith and trust and

getting

by this time I'm almost, I'm coming back from, from Medicine Hat. And you know, I, I got, got to keep going because I would just do the, the 123 shuffle, you know, 123123123 and, and I would stop at 4:00 or I would stop at 9. And, and

I wasn't able to stay sober. I knew I had to, had to get more and, and I would try to do this step four. And I made huge progress and it was absolutely incredible part of my recovery, just sitting down, you know, one alcoholic with another, you know, with, with my sponsor at the time. And, and to go through this Step 4 process, I was able to, to, to write down my angers or my fears.

You know, what the, what the cause was, how it affected me. I was able to see, you know, how, how these things affected me

and then finally I was able to see my part. You know, I was able to finally see my part. I'm telling you, I couldn't see it, you know, I couldn't see it for the life of me. I, I tried and I, and it was, it was all that guy's fault, you know, and, and I would be blaming and my fingers will be pointing all over the place. And, and,

you know, resentment is, is a, is a reoccurring feeling, you know, and, and as it reoccurs and, and it becomes, I'm able to turn it into, from a mountain into a molehill really, really quick or, or a molehill into a mountain real quick. And

these feelings that I had, you know, they're real, but they're, they're just irrational, you know, like they but fancied or real. They had the power to actually kill me, you know, and, and, and I had to be rid of them. And, and I was, I was finally able to, to see some, some truth and, and some facts, you know, because my drinking was, was really but a symptom and I had to get down to, to the causes and conditions, you know, And

so, so getting down to, to more of the facts, I was able to, to see

and begin to take responsibility and not be the victim all the time, you know, because all the time. And I was just walking around and I was playing the victim always, you know, it was always done to me. And, and I was always pointing the finger. And, you know, my sponsor told me, you know, victims don't recover. And, and I couldn't afford to be a victim, you know, more. And, you know, I, I experienced enough pain and I really wanted to, to get sober. And so I really tried to, to begin to take responsibility for, for my own actions. And, and that was a big step, you know, that was

a huge beginning just to be able to do that. You know,

I would call call him on a couple different occasions. And, and this guy did that to me and he said that to me. And oh, well, you know, you don't have to be so over sensitive, you know, but this guy hurt my one feeling, you know, and, you know, I was able to, to see that, that, that I was an alcoholic a little bit on a deeper level. I was able to to see that that, you know, I'm, I'm not so unique as I thought I was, you know, and I thought

nobody could could understand how I feel, you know, and I was able to, to see that that I just wasn't, wasn't so unique.

Beginning to to see a little bit of patterns, you know, in, in my actions and thinking. And, and, you know, I was starting to analyze my motives for doing things a little bit, a little bit more. You know,

I, I would always assume things, you know, I would always read minds. I don't know if you guys do this every once in a while, but I'm a mind reader and, and I would make these assumptions. And, and

it was shown to me in the back of the book, you know,

there's one man who, one principal who will hold a man in everlasting ignorance. And that principle is contempt prior to investigation, you know, and that just brought me to, to, you know, don't, don't judge a book by its cover, you know, don't just assume things until you know the facts, until you absolutely are 100% sure, you know, And that gets me out of trouble sometimes, you know, And I thought that was pretty cool.

I was able to see a little bit better why I thought the way I thought and why I acted the way I acted. You know,

a number of times I would put these, put everyone on pedestals, you know, my sponsor and a couple of people in, in my Home group, you know, I would put these people on pedestals and, and they're only human, you know, and they're not perfect and they're going to fail. But when they failed, I would be absolutely devastated. But I was able to see that, that it's not right to put these people on, on, on pedestals and, and my rear roll, my real reliance must be on God, you know, and, and I was able to, to see that in this 4th step, you know.

I, I was able to see

numerous times that I place myself in a position to be hurt, you know, based on self. You know, I made decisions based on self, which later plays me in a position to be hurt time and time again. Man, it was, it was a lot of it coming down to selfishness, you know,

expectations. I had such high expectations of, of everyone and, and of myself and, you know, I had to begin to be a little bit more accepting of, of people, you know, places,

umm, tonight, to not take myself so seriously all the time, You know, to be able to, to just go about, about my day and, and be able to laugh at, at some of my mistakes that a, that a guy makes or, or, you know, just to cut up and, and have fun. And I was given, you know, it's outlined. There's a prayer for fear and, and a prayer for, for anger and, and you know, I was able to

finally see in the book and be able to, to recite these prayers every once in a while,

You know, when, when these things would crop up and

judgment, I would, I would judge people, you know, and I was absolutely terrified because, you know, I was, I was scared. I was, I was just a bad person because I would judge these people. And, and if I had, if I could, if I wanted to get sober, I had to quit judging for some reason. That's what that's what I thought. And, and you know, I'm telling my sponsor, I'm talking to my sponsor about this stuff. And, and he says, you know, judgment is, is a natural,

natural human instinct. And, and, you know, in, in order to, to judge,

everyone judges, you know, and everyone does judge. It's just, it's wrong for me to get to a place where I'm condemning and criticizing people, you know, but, but the judgments I have are, are, are absolutely, you know, everyone judges, you know, and, and I need to judge the, the, the healthy people and, but towards the non healthy people in order for me to stay sober, you know, so, so this is an important thing that that I need to do and it really can get off track if I start criticizing or condemning people.

A friend talks about, he says that he sees people in more Shades of Grey, you know, and, and we're all children of God and we each have the right to be here. Nobody's, nobody's higher or nobody's lower. You know, we just start to see things in a little bit more, more Shades of Grey. And you know, what, what other people think of me is none of my business. You know, I was able to, to see like these, these facts and, and this truth about myself was, was, you know, incredible. It was a good beginning

to, to recovery.

And I always thought about myself, you know, occasionally I thought what you were thinking about me, you know, but, but usually it was, it was, it was all about me. I,

I was, I was in Medicine Hat there one year later and, and

you know, the first year it was OK because I just needed to work and, and I was on firewatch. That was my duty. Hey, so my second year back I was a year sober now and I'm thinking I'm going to get all the good jobs and and you know what? They put me on Firewatch again, you know,