10th annual beef dinner of the Mystic Knights of Sobriety group in Edmonton, Canada

I'm done. I'm an alcoholic. Like they say in a Jack. Never let the truth get in the way of a good story, huh?

And I do want to thank Jack and Perry for picking me up at the airport and Rick for taking such good care of me in the months leading up to here, letting me. And and you know, you don't know what you're walking into an Alcoholics Anonymous when you're invited, you just say yes. And and it seemed to be something very important about the beef that was going to be served. The beef hold. I tell you, we're having beef. Yeah, you told me, Rick, we're having beef. I got it six times, buddy.

We got beef in the States, I swear to God.

Well, you don't have beef like this. I'm telling you, don't have beef like this. You know what, Rick? You're right.

And I want to thank the guys who cooked tonight. That was unbelievable.

Of course, the real problem is I ate so much. I don't think I've ever given a talk with this much blood in my stomach rather than my head, and usually have a little adrenaline going. I'm a little nervous. I'm just sleepy,

but I'm absolutely delighted to be here with the Mystic Knights of Sobriety. And I just, if you don't like that name, I don't know what to tell you because that's the best name of a group I've ever heard of. And Alcoholics Anonymous, and I've heard some good ones. That is a great name

and I love Alcoholics Anonymous and now the Mystic Knights have fed me beef. So now I love the Mystic Nights because I didn't get this big by accident and

and my time is short, my wind is long. And so I'm just going to tell you in a general way tonight what I was like and what happened to me and what I'm like today, hopefully. And I'm going to speak for about an hour because if there's any watch watchers in here, I know I'm a watch watcher. I want to know when the guy's going to stop and no life saved after 9:20. So I'll be done before then. So you can just you can feel free to throw stuff at me. Tap on your watch. If I get close, it doesn't hurt my feelings at all. I'll just keep talking. That's

and just a minor correction, there's a on the on the ticket I saw it, said Donnell from Seattle, WA. I'm not from Seattle, I'm from Bellingham, WA. We are closer to Vancouver, Canada than we are to Seattle or about 20 minutes from the Canadian border. And in Bellingham, we like to say that if Canada ever makes their big move, where our first line of defense against you. And

but of course, Bellingham's a college town and it's just a bunch of dope smokers. So you won't have any problem getting through us,

which without the aggression dude.

But my wife Eileen, who's a good member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I moved to the Bellingham area about six years ago from Los Angeles. So we kind of look at Seattle like LA with bad weather. So we, we don't go down to Seattle much, but we absolutely adore living in the Pacific Northwest and living in Bellingham. And, and that's the wonderful thing about Alcoholics Anonymous. We left a big a, a community behind,

a huge experiences of love and support and recovery. And it was, it was very

scary to step out and to make that big move. And, and what we found was a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous at our destination. And we're so fortunate, I think, in what, you know, I like to call modern AA that we can go anywhere on the planet just about and find an AA meeting and find another alcoholic to have that experience of identification with. And that wasn't like this when this thing started. And we're very fortunate that we have that today. And, and I like

I I certainly wasn't going to end up in front of the Mystic Knights either on a Wednesday night. That wasn't my plan when I started drinking and

I don't know if I was born alcoholic when I was new and Alcoholics Anonymous. I'll get this out of the way. My sobriety date is 9/16/91, so I'll be 19 years sober in September. Have a sponsor. He's Dave P, he has a sponsor. I have a Home group, it's the SOS Men's group, the second best name of a men's group and Alcoholics Anonymous,

and we meet on Wednesday nights. They are meeting as we speak in the Fair Haven district of Bellingham at 7:00 at Saint James Church. And I always say that. So if you're ever in Bellingham, we hope guys will come see us. We'll make you feel very welcome.

And those are very important things in my life, a sobriety day, a sponsor and a Home group. And they have served me well. I've had those things in place pretty much from the beginning in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm very grateful for those things. And I, I don't know if I was born alcoholic. I know that this is all in hindsight and having read the book and getting comfortable with the literature. I certainly had the alcoholic tendencies, you know, because the thing about my alcoholism, you see, I thought I had a drinking problem. I really did. And so did everyone around me.

And the problem was for a guy like me

is for years before I actually tried to quit drinking, people have been talking to me about my drinking, well meaning people. And we've all had them in our life. The well meaning people and the well meaning people are family members and husbands and wives and employers in the district attorneys and arresting officers,

doctors that are stitching this up and we don't feel the needle and they think that's unusual.

No doctor, no nothing for me. I prescribe for myself. Just you go ahead and stitch.

You should really feel this, but I don't. Isn't it great?

And they certainly talked to me about my drinking and they convinced me over years. So when I had what our big book refers to as self knowledge. And what self knowledge is is not your mommy or your daddy or your husband or your wife or the arresting officer or the judge telling you got a problem with your drinking. It's in the quiet of your room at night in your soul. And you know that the drinking's torn your life apart. You got to do something about it. And you admit for the first time you got a problem

and you think, God, they were right. I've been talking to me for so long about this drinking thing,

and they're right. I got to do something about it. And I thought that all I'd have to do is quit drinking and everything would be fine. And I didn't understand that the worst part of my disease, my alcoholism, which I thought was a drinking problem, really starts to rear its ugly head when I stopped drinking. I didn't understand that for the real alcoholic, the consumption alcohol is a treatment for alcoholism. It reduces the greater aspect of our disease

that when I'm drunk, oh sure, it'll kill me eventually,

take every good thing out of my life and it'll wring out any good that I've ever had in anybody around me is going to pay that price just because they have the misfortune of loving a guy like me. But that's nothing compared to what happens between my ears when I stop drinking. And I thought I had a drinking problem. And I've known people that had drinking problems, you know, and they, they got married and they had a kid and they said crazy things like, well, I'm married now, I have a kid, I'm not going to drink anymore. And they didn't come to a A, they just quit drinking. And they were,

it was astounding the first time I made the alcoholic declaration. I'm quitting drinking, so don't try to tempt me. The first time I had that self knowledge and I quit drinking, I wouldn't absolutely stark raving mad sober. And I was confused and I was baffled because for years people have been talking to me about my drinking. And they had convinced me if only I could put the drink down, I had this great life waiting for me. I'd be a terrific guy. So somebody needed to explain to me

why I wanted to kill myself or kill someone else,

and I had no idea what I suffered from. You see, I thought I had a drinking problem, and I really suffered from alcoholism. So the things that I bring to the game of life naturally, my instincts, my intellect, my emotions, things that might serve me very well in other areas of my life will kill me dead. Where alcoholism is concerned, they're absolutely worthless. If I think I can drink my way or think my way out of alcoholism, it's not going to happen.

If I think I feel just right, if I have the right attitude about taking on my alcohol, isn't I'm going to die drunk.

Absolutely no power there. And because I didn't understand what I suffered from and because I didn't go to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't get a sponsor. I didn't work your steps. So I couldn't have read your book. I couldn't have got to the part that said for the real alcoholic, he will absolutely be unable to stop drinking on the basis of self knowledge.

I couldn't stop drinking because I thought making the declaration would be all it took. And so after 2 short weeks of my own program of recovery, when I picked up that drink, I thought I was picking it up to reward myself because I had been good. And if you're an alcoholic, you understand that. Let's see, I haven't drank in a couple of weeks. That's pretty good for a guy like me. I think I'll reward myself with the very thing that's been burning my life to the ground. Makes perfect sense.

And when I drink after a short period of recovery, whether it's two weeks, 2 minutes or two months, it doesn't matter. For a guy like me, I am not drinking to crash the car, lose a job, break a heart skin and knuckle break another promise. That's not why I drink. And I used to think I was drinking to get the edge off. You know, I was thinking I was drinking to reward myself and I was going to be careful this time and I wasn't going to go hang out with those guys and I was going to go back to that bar where I got in that trouble. I had the rules and regulations imposed on my drinking. It was going to be different this time,

but what I found out in Alcoholics Anonymous is the reason I picked up a drink again simply was I wasn't enjoying my recovery, my own recovery. And that can happen to us in Alcoholics Anonymous. We can be going to meetings every day. We can have a sponsor, we can say all the right things. Doesn't take long to master the language around here. First things first, easy does it? One day at a time.

Let go, Let God. How you doing today, Don? I'm expecting a miracle.

And we can die right here in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. Bill Wilson knew that. Bill Wilson talks about the guy who quits drinking and doesn't do anything else except stops physically ingesting alcohol. Doesn't work any steps, doesn't service to anybody else, doesn't get involved, doesn't have a spiritual awakening. Just quits drinking. And he does what I do when I quit drinking without Alcoholics Anonymous. He sounds like this. Don't miss it at all. Working better, feel better, exercising again. Don't know what that was all about

and Bill wrote in the book. As the ex problem drinkers. We laugh at such a Sally. We know inwardly our man would do anything to take a half a dozen drinks in succession.

And that's what I was. I was the guy that quit drinking on my own and watched my friends drink. And that fun. Remember that

you don't change your playmates or the playgrounds. Go that same old drinking party and go. No, man, I'm fine. Club soda, baby. Yeah,

inside your head screaming, I want a beer.

I want to kill the mall.

So I was very confused about alcoholism to say the least. I was bringing a knife to a gunfight and it didn't work. It spent six years out there after I had that self knowledge that happened when I was 25 years old. I didn't make it to the program till I was 31. I never want to forget this last six years of my drinking. They weren't the fun part. The fun part is that part that sneaks into my room late at night, whispers, lies to me and my own voice in my own head, and tells me how good it used to be because it wasn't all bad.

You know, it's funny, that voice that wants to kill me, the voice of my alcoholism, doesn't naturally talk to me about that last six years of drinking. I have to go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and experience the gift of identification

where one of you is proud enough and honest enough to tell the truth about what it was really like for you out there. And when you talk about how it was so salty and how it made you feel and how you were hopeless, helpless and hapless and you talk about the things you did and where you went. I identify with you and it gives me that gift of remembering. One of the prayers I pray every day is God. Give me the strength to remember when I pray and meditate in the morning. I meditate on two things every morning. Now, there's a lot of other things I do, but I spent 5 minutes every morning meditating on what it was like

and I spent 5 minutes

every morning meditating on what it's like today. And I'll tell you, if you do that, if you never tried that, you will not have a bad day. I guarantee you. Because I clear my mind and I remember that last six years and it's like a horrible picture shows the worst horror movie you've ever seen in your life. And it just, it starred in me. That's the bad part.

And after that, I start thinking about how good I've got it today simply by my membership and Alcoholics Anonymous. Look, I don't take it lightly that I was asked to come and do something like this. I never do. I think it's an honor and a privilege,

but I think it's an honor and a privilege just to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Just to be able to come to rooms like this with people like you and enjoy the gift of sobriety one more day. A gift that for a long time I didn't think I wanted. And once I wanted it, I knew I'd never have it. I knew I'd never have a sober life. I knew I'd never make it an Alcoholics Anonymous because I tried everything I could think of to quit drinking and I couldn't stay stopped. So I knew this thing wasn't going to work for me. But when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't even come here to quit drinking. I came

because I was in trouble. Imagine that. And I came in here to buy some time, figure out my next move and get the heat off. And it's so funny how the looking back in hindsight and writing that first inventory, seeing all those alcoholic tendencies in my life long before I took the first drink. I mean, I'm selfish, I'm self-centered. I'm the kind of alcoholic that knows how he looks in 17 different angles at all times.

I'm the kind of self obsessed alcoholic I'll get you in a corner and talk incessantly about myself for 1/2 an hour straight. Realize I'm doing that. Go, wait a minute, wait a minute.

That's enough about me. What do you think of me?

You know, I didn't have to come to Alcoholics Anonymous to learn how to do an 11 step inventory because I was a goofy little out pre alcoholic kid laying in bed at night reviewing my day. You remember reviewing your day when you're a little kid long before you took the first drink? Adding up the score. Oh, I should have said that. Oh, I should have done that. And I don't know about your your alcoholic mind. Sober or not, when I add up the score, it never comes out right, does it?

I'll tell you, I'm almost 19 years sober. I have the gift of sobriety in my life to give the sponsorship. I sponsor men. I have a big, hairy, full, beautiful A a life. Yet if I want to screw up my day, all I got to do is go. Well, I think I'll schedule about 1/2 an hour. I'm going to go sit on the couch, cross my legs, and I'm going to think about every area of my life for a while. And then when I'm done with that, it just doesn't come out right. I just do not have a head that produces comforting thoughts on its own.

My thoughts today or for amusement only? I have absolutely.

Now, I'm not saying my head is always terrible, I'm just saying it's inconsistent. I cannot count on my head to give me good, consistent feedback. I just don't count on it. Now, why do you think that that is? Do you think it's maybe because in our book it's clearly stated that the problem resides mainly in our mind? What does that mean? If you're new, this is what it means. If the problem resides mainly in your mind, This

is never going to fix this. You can't take a broken tool and go fix a broken tool. It doesn't work. I need things outside of my intellect and my thinking to fix me. I need the power of God. I need the perception of a sponsor. I need the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I need the fellowship that happens here. I need your perception of my life because at any given moment, my perceptions off. I'll tell you, alcoholism is definitely

doing the same thing, expecting different results. That is the insidious insanity, the first string. But we don't just do that with drinking.

Pain is no teacher for Alcoholics. We seem to enjoy pain.

I was like that from the gate. I remember being five years old, goofy little pre alcoholic sitting in the sewing room and I looked to my right and there was an electrical outlet and I looked at my fingers and there was a body pin and I remember thinking looks like it'll fit. Bam. And I got shot across the room and my fingers are smoking and my hair is standing straight up and I'm ever thinking, did that just happen?

Did that hurt as bad as I think it did?

Bam,

now.

Now, based on the way that I live my life until I came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I guarantee you I would have went for three, but I was unconscious.

It's the only thing that stopped me.

And I did that with my wife. I took the vehicle of my life and I'd slam into that wall. I throw it in reverse and slam into that wall and throw it in reverse. There's a hole here somewhere, you know, Got to hang in there.

You know, if you're going to be an alcoholic, if you're going to go the distance, you can't let a little thing like looking bad stop you.

And I love the early part of my drinking because when I got drunk for the first time, I wasn't,

I would, I wasn't even drinking to get drunk. I was drinking to fit in, you know, and I wasn't my first drink. Not interested in my first drink. Cute information. I don't really see why it's important. But I am interested in my first drunk because that's where I got enough alcohol on board in one setting to get there. You see, alcohol as much as anything, it transports me. It takes me to the land of I don't care. And I love that address. I mean, that's where I wanted to live my entire life. I love the effect produced by alcohol. What is the effect? Is the effect that I think I'm better looking than I really

have the courage to walk across the room and ask that pretty girl to dance? Yeah. But no, the effect for me, in a word, is relief. It's relief from what swirls around in my head in a sober state. But in a sober state, I had nothing to compare it to until I threw my first drunk and I was drinking with the guys that played high school basketball with. We're having a good time. And what was on tap that night was Old English 800. And that is a fine malt beverage if there ever was one. And

I remember was somewhere around that second can of malt liquor, I had a feeling come over me from my toes to my head that filled me from the inside out. And in that moment, everything changed, yet everything stayed the same. I looked at these guys that I'd like to add a great affection for. I played ball with

and now I love these guys

and I turned into a goober and I started telling him about it.

I love you guys. We're going to be together forever.

I was listening to that rock'n'roll coming out of that cheap stereo and that rickety car. We drove up to the Hollywood Reservoir and I thought that was the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard. Got all emotional

and we're up in the Hollywood Hills in Southern California looking down at this concrete pond, which was the reservoir, and the sun was getting low and the sun lights kind of sparkling on it. I thought it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

And then I experienced something that I was to experience. Every time I drink, I start to think and what I thought was, you know, I should get down to that water. Now the hillside we're on is a scrub brush

with just chaparral and scrub oak on it. It's about a 45° angle. And I start walking down the hill to get down to that beautiful water. And then I'm walking kind of fast, and then I'm kind of jogging, and then my legs are like windmilling behind my ears.

And then I fell and it was like sky, earth, sky, earth, sky, earth, sky, earth. And I slammed into this scrub oak full speed. I just hit this tree and just stop. Bam. And I was an athlete. And when you're an athlete, you almost instantly are able to ascertain what's happened to you and anything anytime you make contact. And when I remember thinking was I'm going to be really hurt.

And I got up and checked myself out and there was no pain. Now this is my first drunk and I'm already acquiring valuable information that's going to serve me for the rest of my drinking career. You know, if I drink enough alcohol, there's no pain. You know, and I, I love the idea of no pain. You know, you guys in the gym and you're lifting that heavy iron, No pain, no gain. I got my own expression. No pain, no pain.

And I do what most 17 year olds do. The first thing I got drunk, I got violently ill and bled all over the place and got tortured unrelentlessly by my friends. And you know, it was a big joke the next day at school. And I didn't remember any of that. I never tap the brake. All I remember was that moment up in the hill when the music sounded just so and that water looked just right. My friends felt nearer to me. And I don't remember thinking, hey, you know what?

I think I'm going to drink myself after death and burn my life to the ground. I just remember thinking, I like drinking and we're going to be doing some more of this. And the early part of my drinking was the no trouble part. You know, I wasn't picking up a tab. I didn't seem to get in any real trouble. I wasn't standing in courtrooms in front of judges trying to explain my latest event of outrageous behavior. I didn't have my mother standing in front of me crying her eyes out, saying, don't you know, you're killing yourself? I didn't have girlfriends hiding in closets

because they're afraid they're going to get smacked around in my latest drunken rage.

And when I was 23 years old,

if you had told me those things were going to be added to my story, I would have told you you had the wrong guy, that that would never happen to a guy like me.

And when I was 23 years old, of God Almighty had walked into the bar, I was drinking and sat down on the bar stool next to me and said, Don, the next drink, the next one, it's going to pass you into a region where there's no return through human aid. You're going to have to go to Alcoholics Anonymous for the rest of your life or die a horrible alcoholic death. I just told God Almighty he got the wrong guy because it was working for me from the inside out, from my toes to my head, allowing me to be anything I wanted to be, not feeling anything I didn't want to feel. I'm going up the ladder in business. I'm dating up the storm,

making a lot of money, and I love the exciting and wonderful effect that alcohol is having in my life. And trouble starts to come into my story, and trouble really comes into my story. And everybody that has the misfortune of caring about a guy like me, my alcoholism starts to affect my family and affect my relationships. And the thing about that is it's not a problem for me until it's a problem for me. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I had a girlfriend standing in front of me crying, her eyes outgoing. Don't you know, I feel like,

not really.

And I wish that the pain that other people experience, both emotional and physical, as a result of the actions a guy like me takes sometimes when I drink is some stimuli to me to change. But it's not. In fact, this isn't just about my alcoholism. This isn't just about what happens when I drink

to date. As I stand in front of you, do you know

I have yet to work on a problem I don't have?

Isn't that something? How many times do we? Are we the last ones to know? How many times do we write an inventory and Alcoholics Anonymous sitting across from a sponsor who knows this better than we know ourselves and they're just waiting, Please. Maybe he'll see it this time. And you say, you know what? I think I'm a little selfish, you think,

you know, I've been thinking sponsored, maybe, just maybe I had a part in that car wreck. Maybe.

I love that stuff

and I drank and I drank and I drank

and it got worse. I remember after I had self knowledge for the first time and I went on that six year odyssey of everything you read about in chapter 3. Various vain attempts to control and enjoy my drinking, brief periods of recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. A feeling I was regaining control to find out I lost even more control and my life just spiraled down. And I started, you know, acquiring the things that you're going to have to acquire if you're going to go the distance with your alcoholism, you know, and I got the two best friends I ever had when I was drinking. I got

place in my life and I kept them right up to the day I walked in Alcoholics Anonymous and long after I was here. And that's justification of rationalization. And if you're going to be an alcoholic and you're going to go the distance, you're going to have to be able to justify and rationalize your bad action. You're going to be you're going to have to be able to go to jail and then have people just mortified about that. And you're going to be able to have to say with a straight face something like this, Oh, well, everybody goes to jail once in a while.

Everybody crashes a car once in a while. Everybody loses a job once in a while, breaks somebody's heart once in a while,

get sick once in a while, wrecks of marriage once in a while. You got to be able to say these things and you have to be able to believe them. You see, my alcoholism demands that I believe the lies I have to tell myself in order to defend my right to take another drink. Because if I ever have to take a long, hard look at my own behavior and what's really going on behind the mask, I might have to do something about my drinking. And I can't have that. I can't have that. It's too valuable to me. You don't understand the terror that comes into my life almost immediately now

when I don't take a drink. Alcohol. I used to be able to put together a couple of weeks, a couple of months, but towards the end of my drinking, it happened so quick. I'll get out of jail and I'll think I'm going to quit drinking. And I know, and I mean it. I mean it with every fiber in my being. I used to be able to ride that for a month, maybe two months, not take a drink. And now it's two days later and I'm going out of my mind and I've got a drink.

The periods between my drunks are getting closer and closer. I can't seem to put any real time together anymore and I'm scared. And I've made so many sweet promises about my drinking for so long to so many people I don't even talk about anymore. I'm afraid to whisper that I'm thinking about doing something about my drinking because they might watch me and I'll let them down one more time. I'm discovering that I drink even more when I try to control and enjoy it. I drink even more when I try to quit. I do better and seem to get in last trouble when I'm not trying to quit.

A lot of the biggest, most dramatic things came into my life, came into my story, when I was in the process of trying not to drink. There's something about an alcoholic trying not to drink on their own willpower that when we finally do pick up that drink, it's like being shot out of a cannon, isn't it? I can't explain that kind of relief to normal people. They don't understand what it's like because you can't explain to somebody you don't understand. I didn't drink for 70,

two hours.

I went to work and everything

there was traffic,

but I don't

understand why you stole all the rent money and went on that run for four weeks. It was a bad three days. It was tense.

I lose the best job I ever had in my life in January of 1991. I call it my sister in Simi Valley, CA, and I play the victim card because I'm not just an alcoholic, I'm an alcoholic slash victim. Any victims here tonight, you'll identify with that. If you've been here for any length of the time, hopefully you've worked the steps and hopefully you have the unique experience of having two childhood stories, as I do,

because I have the childhood story I dragged into Alcoholics Anonymous with me.

It's very tragic

and hopefully if I tell it just right, somebody will feel sorry for me.

That was always my intention when I told that story. This story about my mom's alcoholism and my dad who deserted the family and never looked back when I was two years old and the gang infested neighborhood I grew up in. And my mom picking up guys in the bar and being seven years old and having to walk across my mom, some drunken guy I don't know, naked in our living room to get some Cheerios to go to work. It just sounds bad, doesn't it? Oh, poor kid, you know, he can just see me in my footies, can't you? You know, just

my little blankie is just Oh, and then, of course, you know, you come to Alcoholics Anonymous, you get a sponsor and they take a kicking and screaming through the steps. And

what happened for me is what the book talks about. I got down in black and white what really happened. And it's astounding the things I conveniently forgot on my way to Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, You know, I had a mom that raised three kids on her own, never took a dime of help, support, welfare, nothing. Took two buses to work, two buses back to put food on that table. She had a tough life. I never thanked her for it when I was drinking. That woman sacrificed everything so we would have food and clothes on our back. And she suffered from alcoholism. She was a woman alcoholic.

No answer. And I never said thank you until I got sober. You know, a woman that did that much for us. Yet by the time I came to AAI was filled with spite and rage and venom for that woman. And that's called a lack of perception. There's something wrong with my perception of reality. It makes me see things that aren't there and I don't see the things that are there. And I'll tell you the biggest mistake of loving God ever made it with a guy like me, as he made my eyes looking outward instead of inward. And if nothing else, Alcoholics Anonymous in the process

steps in the inventory process in particular, and the continuance of that process in the 10 step on a daily basis has allowed me to take my eyes off of you and put them on me, which is coincidentally where my life is lived. I found out something astounding in Alcoholics Anonymous, if the quality of my life is based on the quality of my actions. Not my feelings, not my emotions, not my thinking, but the quality of my actions. And I had to almost die and come to a simple loving program called Alcoholics Anonymous to learn these things that they've been trying to teach me my whole life.

But I couldn't hear him because they didn't have what I had. I had to hear it from a broken down Carpenter who I met, who was my first sponsor and Alcoholics Anonymous. And we shared the gift of identification. And like the book said, he was able to win my entire confidence in a couple of hours.

So now I'm lying up at my sister's house. She says, you can come stay at my house, Donald, but if you drink, you're out of my house. And I tell my sister who I love as much as anyone on the planet, I won't drink, I promise. And I drank every day in that house for eight months until I got sober. And if you don't have that, you do that when they're watching you. Well, maybe you're not a sneaky rat like I am.

I got no problem drinking around your schedule. What time do you go to work? 7:00 AM bars open and at the end of my drinking, I'm not drinking a kid myself. I'm better looking or that my friends feel closer to me or any of that nonsense. I'm doing oblivion drinking,

I'm doing light switch drinking, I'm getting the whiskey on board hard enough and fast enough to shut off my head so I can get drunk and go into a blackout so I can pass out in this room. I'm mooching off of my family so I can come out of the blackout to meet the hideous 4 horsemen. Terror, frustration, bewilderment, the spirit. They sat on the end of the bed on this room. I'm mooching off of my sister and they waited for me to come up from my drunk and then they would talk to me in my own head and my own voice and they make statements and ask me questions.

They say, who are you going to hurt the date on? Who you going to rip off the date on? You know, Don, you've taken every good thing that's ever come your way and you just torn it to shreds. How's it going to end for a guy like you?

And now you're with the last relative of anything to do with you, and you're stealing from her purse and you're stealing your niece's Girl Scout money. You're an animal. What the hell is wrong with you? And I don't know what you do with a head like that on a hangover morning, but I just take another pull off the jug. And I thought I was going to end that way. See, I had surrendered to alcoholism without knowing what it was. I knew I'd never get sober. I knew I was going to die drunk.

There was number more fight left in me. I wished for the end. The best I could do was drink and shut off my head. All the fun was gone. And I sit there at night drunk and wonder what had happened in my life and remember a time when I was young and I played ball and I had friends and I had a future. And I wonder where it all went and how it got so bad so fast and how I would do anything to have it back and knowing it was beyond my grasp and how it would never be OK for a guy like me. I got an unemployment check in September of 91. I went up to my brother-in-law Larry and

Larry. I got my check and I borrow your card. He asked me a strange question. He said. Don, will you be coming back?

And the reason he asked me that question is I borrowed his car a few times that summer and gone out on little vacations, we'll call them. And I'm an alcoholic to 12:00 and 12:00 says my outstanding characteristic is defiance. So I got right in Larry's face and said, how dare you, Larry, you know, the last time this happened, I apologized. I opened it.

I open my heart to you.

I was vulnerable

and now you're coming down on me. I don't really need this crap, Larry. Larry felt terrible and he took the keys out and I snatched the keys and I'm going out to this man's car who's home I'm living in for free with my alcoholism. And I remember thinking there better be gas in it.

The grandiosity of the alcoholic, the delusions of entitlement. And it gets worse when we get sober. This is what I'm drinking. Can you imagine when I was like, when I got sober and I did the world that big favor? Well, I'm sober, you know,

the whole world should stop and take notice. Jesus Thong got sober. Let's get the parade committee together.

I go down to the local liquor store to cash my check because that's where Alcoholics are my type. Cash or unemployment checks, and I have. What the book refers to is the thought that precedes the first drink, which in my head sounds like this. What's and 1/2 pint

and I buy the half pint. The half pint gets lonely and I drink another half pint and I think, you know, I can go visit those friends in the valley, be back in 45 minutes and I'm gone. Three days later, I'm driving up the hill to face that family. I've done over one more time. I've taken their hope, their faith and their trust and I torn it to shreds. And you need to understand this, that driving up the hill to see that family, I love them no less than I love them at this very moment. And I love my family tremendously. You see, I got a problem. I can't serve 2 masters. I only got time

serve one and that's king alcohol. And you get between me and a drink. It's nothing personal. It's almost business like. I'm getting to the drink, I'm going around you, I'm going through you, I'm manipulating you. I'm telling you what you want to hear. But bet your bottom dollar I'm getting to the drink. But I don't know anything about alcoholism, so I don't know how to explain that to you. So I say things like this. I'm sorry,

I don't mean to treat you this way. I don't know how it happened. I'm really, really sorry and I mean it so much when I say it, But it got really hard for my family to believe that and give me those second and those third and those 30th chances when I roared through their life year after year after year. I walk into that house and I find out my brother-in-law wanted to report the car stolen and my sister is negotiating him down to a missing persons report

and the police are on their way up to do the follow up work.

Now, I don't know if you've ever been up for three days drinking and doing outside issues,

but the police usually aren't who you want to talk to. I had warrants for my arrest in two counties. So I start yelling at my sister. I got warrants, I'm going to jail. Thanks a lot. Because now it's her fault.

I go outside to wait for the police because I I don't want the interview to go on in front of the family. I have no idea what I'm going to be saying, but I'm fairly certain I'll be lying

in the black and white unit rolls up and on the side of the black and white unit, it says canine unit. And I think great, they brought the dog like I'm in any shape to make a run for it. And the cop could say out. He started asking me those hard, tough questions like where were you? And most of what I remember is illegal. So I'm lying. I'm making up a story. And he starts looking at my eyes really hard and I break his gaze. So he breaks with me. And so now we're kind of dancing and shuffling in the front of the house, and

I don't feel well. I'm getting nervous. And I see the dog in the back seat, and I just want to divert his attention. And I point at the dog and I go, hey, is that your partner? And he says, yes, it is. He walks over and he opens the door and his dog gets out. German shepherd, beautiful dog, not a hair out of place like a Rin Tin Tin reincarnate. And with no prompting on my party, start to relay facts to me about the dog's life. The dog is three years past retirement age. They can't retire him. He's too good. The dog is participated in more arrests than any dog in the history