The Malibu Saturday Night Speakers Meeting in Malibu, CA

Richie Alcoholic

First off, thank you Glenn through Justin for for asking me to come out and speak tonight is an honor and a privilege. Speak anywhere to be asked to do anything to to be alive, to be sober, to to be of service. And I'm I'm definitely grateful. So thank you guys.

Even the drive. I was sort of apprehensive about the drive. I'm kind of a bum. I like to stay within about, you know, 5 miles from my house because I'm lazy. But even the drive was pleasant. The sun caught me a couple times and the clouds opened up so I can see the, the coast. And you know what, life is good. It's beautiful to be at an, a, a meeting in, in Malibu. You know, things could be a lot worse.

Let's see here.

So much time, so little to say.

Wow,

let's get into it.

I want to tell you I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I am a huge fan of this program. I want to thank our first speaker, Jason. Jason did a great job. A lot of the same things you read or the things that are highlighted in my book and I totally relate. You know, I, our stories are different and yet the same. You know, I, I, I can relate to, to pretty much anyone an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting if I look for it.

So as I said, I love this program. I'm a big fan. I'm an, a cheerleader. And I will tell you that that was not always the case. You know, when I first got here, I was kind of anti it was not a big fan of you guys and wanted nothing to do with this place. You guys were kind of freaking me out,

but but we'll get into that. I I love to drink. Go figure.

I am a huge fan of alcohol and all its splendid forms.

I don't remember my first drink. I really don't. I wish I would have. I wish I would have had someone film it and I could have showed you like a video or something would have been a lot more helpful because I really don't know what happened. I do remember some of the earlier times when I drank and I didn't like the taste. I, I, I tasted beer, but I was a good little alcoholic. I practiced, you know, beer didn't taste good, but I was going to find it. I was going to find the one that did.

I tried wine. Wine was kind of weird. I, I tried various kinds of hard liquor and some burns, some made me feel woozy.

The woozy was cool, but the, the spins were not. And, you know, throwing up wasn't my, I wasn't a fan, you know, not at first.

You know, as time goes on, you're you're sort of stoked when you throw up, but

weird how it works out. But not in the beginning. I was very young. I think I was around 10 or 11 as my guess.

And then I found it. I it was stumbled upon it, you know, and maybe it found me. I don't know, but I

I found a little lovely invention by by two gentlemen named Bartles and James and I was on my way. For those of you that are young, I'm Speaking of wine coolers, boy, real manly drink.

I can tell you that I was highly respected in, in, in elementary school and, and, you know, and, and junior high. They, they thought I was a real man's man. I'm totally lying right now. I was known as the wine cooler wuss and

you know I would, I would show up to my friends house or I would choke to a friends house or the, the little party and I'd have my 4 pack of pina coladas and

I, I would quickly be held up to ridicule. And you know what, by the 4th one, I really did not care because I was drunk. It, it happened, you know, that that feeling and I chased that feeling from from day one to to to day none, you know, I, I, I just wanted to never feel me again, you know,

and I had a great childhood, you know, I was raised by my mom, a single mom. She had me and she was 19. She, she walked high school graduation, the the graduation, she was bun in the oven, you know, a month after 19, here I come. I don't quite think I was planned to call me crazy,

you know, and

mom and I got to grow up together and it was an adventure, You know, it still is. And I'm a huge fan of my mom and we have such an amazing relationship. And you know, she

she taught me so much. She continues to teach me so much. And, and I love that woman. She's my favorite person. You know why? Let's go that route tonight. How that happened. Anyway, so I love my mom. Hey, all right.

And so so we grew up together and it was fun. You know, when I was I was raised with manners. I was raised to that crying was cool. And I found out that's not cool. Again made fun of you know, I was I was a funny kid.

I was kind of I still am I'm kind of peculiar. You know what I mean? I'm

a I'm a strange brew, you know what I mean? Like something different about Richie and

I, I just turned 30 in January. I'm finally starting to get comfy with me. You know, after a lot of step work, a lot of program, a lot of meetings, a lot of friends, a lot of sponsorship, I I'm finally starting to be OK with me. But growing up, it was weird, you know, I felt funny. I was very intelligent. I scored well on those

Golden State exams and you give me a number 2 pencil and a bubble test and I'm probably going to do all right, you know, like, not too shabby. I was popular. I knew everyone. Everyone seemed to love me. I was athletic, I played sports. And yet it was weird, you know, I just, it didn't sit right, you know, And I don't know if I was really looking for a way out. I probably was. And it just found me, you know, for me, it wasn't wanting to belong, you know, I, I just wanted to,

I wanted you to like me.

I wanted everyone to like me, you know, I,

that's still the case. A lot of my nerves from speaking, it's because I, I don't want you to think I'm weird. You know what I mean? I don't want you to call me names. It, it stems from like basic childhood stuff. You know, I don't want that weird wine cooler wuss nickname, you know, I want you to think I'm cool. I want to thank also my friends for coming out. I have a lot of friends travel out here to, to come support me tonight and thank you giving up lots of fun parties and things. And they came to hear me, you know, and they've heard me and my sponsor. Thank you for coming out.

I've got such a loving sponsor and he's here and I'm blessed, you know, I am blessed. My sponsee, the lineage, you know, we stay here. A lot of people hear stories about a lot of people going out,

not making it relapse, this and that. You know what, on the flip side of that, there's a lot of people that stay, and I'm glad that the first speaker, Jason, brought that up. You know, a lot of people stay, and I've stayed, you know, after some slips, but I stayed.

Let's see here. So. Yeah. So I found wine coolers. And then it's, you know, like I said, I'm a good little alcoholic. I practiced drinking, you know, much like this program. This program tasted funny when I got here. I was not a fan, you know, just like the beer, the wine and the hard liquor. But then you learn to love it. You know, you just get into it,

and I got into it. I really did.

It took off.

I, I will tell you that I, I did a lot of other stuff throughout my little short lived career. I will mention that I, I'm only going to speak about alcohol mainly because I don't want anyone here to feel like you need to do those other things to feel you belong. If you're here and you're questioning what you do and if it's not working or if you got a court card or your family or rehab or whatever, it is

welcome. You know, chances are you might have some things to take a look at. I'm just guessing, you know, I didn't get here on a winning streak. I believe me. This was the last choice that I was looking for. And my, my, my, this illness, as I've been told, is progressive and it progressed pretty quick with me. It took off like gangbusters, you know, from the gate. And I got into a lot of trouble behind my drinking. I, I, I, I heard a lot of people.

I love one of the things that Jason read

the definition of an alcoholic, which is if when you want to stop and you find you cannot,

chances are you may be an alcoholic. And the other side of that is when you start and you can't control how much you have, chances are you might be an alcoholic. You know, I used to think it was about the amount because I come to these rooms and oh, I spilled more than you drank, bro. You don't know what you're doing. I see people with teardrop tattoos and spider webs and like, you know what I mean? Like just big dudes and they're angry and you know, and they're, they're talking about shooting up in their eye. And I'm thinking, you know what

I got? I got into this gang fight and then it popped off and, and, and, you know, in, in jail and, you know, I lost two fingers in the fight. My nickname is Ocho. And you know, you're like,

I don't, I don't know if I'm supposed to be here. You know, he like you're freaking me out.

You know, I, I got here really young. Things fell apart pretty quick and I, I lost sight of who I was. You know, the best thing that alcohol gave me, the best thing that drinking gave me was an attitude of I don't care. It allowed me to just exhale, you know,

the shoulders would loosen up

and all I wanted to do every time was just get that first feeling, just that edge off, you know, it's Christmas Eve, I got to see the family tomorrow. It's been a while. Oh, that's right. I did that thing.

I just, I'm just gonna have one, just one. And I would draw that line in the sand. I'm just gonna have one or not tonight, you know? And eventually I'd cross those lines and I'd either draw new ones right next to me and cross those shortly thereafter, or I would draw them next week. You know, if it was Christmas. Oh, New Year's. Oh, new. It's my birthday. Oh, Valentine's Day. You know what? Next New Year's, you know, and you just start skipping it and you're like Uncle

Ollie, Ollie oxen free. I'm over this.

I,

I fell apart pretty quick. You know,

our stories are different in that regard. Like everyone has their unique little individual snowflake story and but we're all snow and we all belong here. And I my little story was so cute and unique and special and then I realize it's just like everyone else's.

It stopped working

and I still got drunk, but my head wouldn't stop and I couldn't, I couldn't maintain.

I, I hit the first step, you know, I hit my bottom, which was I was actually willing because I'd come to these rooms. My, I ran into an old friend at a coffee shop, you know, in West LA and I saw, I say, I remember you. I was like, hey, you want to get a drink? And he's like, oh, I don't do that. Like, I'm so sorry.

I was like, OK, so no. So no to Del Saloon. All right?

I didn't really know where to go from there. I'm like, OK, good to see you. You know, he's like, all right, We started talking and he's like, I, you know, I'm, I'm in this thing called a A

and I had heard those two letters put together before and I just didn't know. I didn't, I'd never had a thought pro or con. And I just didn't know what he was talking about. I did. I guess I had to do with not drinking, but I didn't even know that, you know, And I just said, OK, that's weird. I don't know why you would choose to do that.

And so

we started hanging out. He took me to my first meeting. It was Thanksgiving morning at the log cabin at 7:30. AMI think it was 1998. I

There is nothing more grateful than an alcoholic at a 7:30 AM meeting, except for an alcoholic at a 7:30 AM meeting on Thanksgiving. They're even that much more grateful. And boy, they want to shake hands, they want to hug you. And they were just so awake and ready. And I'm, I've been up all night and I feel out of place

and I found out that a A was not for me that day. I found out a A is not for me. You guys shake hands too much. You can't stop clapping and

you know, and I don't like hugging.

Everyone wanted my phone number too. And I thought that that was weird. I thought you guys got the memo that my phone got shut off and like, it was a joke on me, like, ha, ha, ha.

So I wasn't, I wasn't too keen on this whole Alcoholics Anonymous thing. I, I didn't go back,

you know, the time did come where I finally,

it hurt, you know, I was willing to look at it. And that's what I mean by a bottom. I was actually willing to look at a different solution, you know, because whatever I was doing wasn't working and that was tough for me to, to come to grips with, you know,

So I went to some meetings. The 5th day I went to a men's tag and

at that men's stag I wigged out, not in front of anybody, but I in my mind I was gone. I'm out and I told my friend I'm out. I dropped him off. I I hung in there till the evening. I went to work. After work, I got my free meal, 'cause I was waiting tables at Lulu's Alibi.

I got my free meal. I went across the street, I won a lottery scratcher. 25 bucks, right? Real big money. We're not talking 2 bucks or a ticket. That's cash, you know, I mean, 20 and five, that's, that's money. So I went to cash it in so triumphantly, I slide it across the counter at 711. And I look at him with just that look of like, yeah, what's up now? You've never seen money like that, Winnings. And the guy looks at me just unamused, you know, like, all right, kid, what do you know? And he says, he says he got me. He was like, do you want money or do you want more tickets?

I'm a gambling man, you know, I mean, I'm like, let's get more tickets. And so turns out two tickets later, I won 500 bucks and I was no longer powerless. My life was not unmanageable.

Things were good. We're good. Don't need to say anything. I've got $500. Thank you. Seems like it worked.

I, I started looking at the, you know what island I was going to buy and

you know what I was going to do with my winnings. And I, I didn't do much with my winnings. I spent them all the next day and I was wasted, done, all gone. And I had plans of paying off certain things and doing doing right with my money

that that didn't happen.

I later tried sobriety again. You know, that time hit where things got worse because at that time I said like, if I go out, if I go out and it gets bad, I'll come right back. I'll come right back. I know at least now I know where to go. This a, a thing. You guys aren't going anywhere. You guys are suckers. You know me. I'm going to go check this out because I don't think I got this thing. You know, it's not for me. And

The funny thing was when I went out and it started to get bad, I didn't have that choice anymore and I couldn't come back. And everything inside me said, dude, come back, come back. And I couldn't, I couldn't bear to do it, you know.

So the time did come where I find that I got beat up again. You know, I just got beat up. And what I would do when I was out is you guys know, you know, you did it yourselves or you didn't. And if you didn't, you don't have to, you know, like, welcome. Stick around. It gets good here.

I found out that the consequences of my past won't keep me sober,

That no matter how ugly it was, if I keep remembering it, it won't keep me sober. That there's a lot more involved in sobriety. I also found out that not drinking is different than sobriety. You know, than working a program. See, not drinking to me sucks. You know what I mean? I'm not a fan. I, I, I love drinking, you know that that's what works. I can't show up to work. Life on the nach is kind of funky.

You people want to have me show up on time.

People want me to fulfill my responsibilities. They want me to call them back when they leave a message. People, when they ask me how am I doing, want me to respond in a respectful manner. These things are too much for me.

I get a little overwhelmed.

It's, it's just too much, you know? And I, I wig out and I don't mean to. I hurt feelings. I burn bridges. I steal from you.

I lie. I manipulate. I tend to work. I get a job, right? I'm really good at this. I'll get a job. I'll start at the bottom. I'll come in like gangbusters and show you exactly who I am, and you're going to think I'm amazing. You're going to promote me and then I'm going to rob you.

I don't know how that works. My mom didn't teach me that. No one taught me that. I taught me that. That's some weird stuff right there. I don't know how that happens, but boy, I'm good at it, you know?

And I just take everything out of the safe, you know, You give me keys to your store. It's my store now. Thank you,

I do deserve this. You finally recognize how amazing I am. Thank you

and those consequences of like what happens due to that just don't keep me sober today. You know, I finally,

I finally gave it a shot. You know, I was pretty tired. You know, I look at what brought me here and what was different. You know, this time it's going to be different. This time it's going to be different. You know what, I don't know what was different. A little bit of me, my perception, pretty tired, pretty burnt out. I was about £95.

I fool. I've got deep set eyes and drinking keeps me up. I like to drink for a long time. I like to go to real weird places. I like sawdust on the floor. I like really bad jukeboxes and 50 Cent pool, maybe some darts and some some funny characters and that's home. I like a dingy smell and I like to get weird. That's just who I am.

It it also turns out that a lot of the times I sweat a bunch. I'm really good at sweating,

I'm really good at getting rid of all my clothes because they just feel so funky on me. And I'm good at creeping everyone out around me.

That's me. I'm special,

yeah. It doesn't do well for, like, making friends, you know, and having them stick around. They want to get away from you. And who can blame them?

I, I finally got tired. I was burnt. And I decided that it was time. And so I, I went to a meeting, you know, I went Town Hawks Anonymous one more time. And I thought, you know what? Maybe this time it'll be different.

And you know what? This time it was different.

Before I had picked and choose. I'm a big,

a big, I know what to do kind of guy. Those #2 bubble test scores told me. I'm pretty smart.

Wouldn't you know it, I'm not.

I'm sort of below average intelligence when it comes to sobriety. I don't know much. I think I do, and I think I know what's best for me. I come to something I know nothing about, a A, and I want to call shots. Oh, I know. People tell me. Hey man, should probably sit up in the front row. It seems like you get distracted easily. Probably pay attention if you're up close. Oh, I know, I know, I know.

And that became my moment to moment mantra. You know, people like probably get a sponsor, kiddo. I don't know if you're going to be able to run the show on your solos. Oh, I know, I know, I know. Should go to 90 and 90. No, no, no, I know, I know. And I'd hear the repetition. You guys, you guys tend to say the same thing at every meeting. I found out I'm I'm almost nine years sober and I'm catching on. You guys repeat yourselves quite a bit and

I, I started to catch out of the lingo and boy, I can, I can,

I can repeat it. Well, I can, I can look pretty good for an hour, hour and a half at a meeting. Look like I have it down. I can show you that I'm the man and it's all under control. You know what? I'm not too good at that, you know? Happy birthday to all the birthday people. That blows me away that we stay here that long. You know 2-2 guys met in a house in Akron, OH,

75, almost 75 years ago.

75 years ago

and here we are in Malibu, CA

on a Saturday night. All of us bunch of weirdos. What is this? How is this even possible? You know, how do you draw that line? I look at the guy that came in here. You know me when I came in here. June 21st, 2001, the first day of summer, the longest day of the year.

So fitting.

I didn't think it was going to end. I just wanted 24 hours

and I look at that, that boy that walked in, that scared, uncomfortable, desperate

child

and to see who I am now. And I mean, I'm not

a little more mature than that. I've come to find out I'm pretty much I'm like a a junior high school girl now.

If you stay sober long enough, you find out who you're really

with enough step work.

The onion peels and what you find is kind of weird sometimes. Boy, I'm emotional.

Hi, my mom taught me crying is cool. And you know what? It's stuck. I I'm I can't stop.

It's funny,

sobriety is a trip.

I came to my first meeting back

and I had a lot to say. They have participation. At this point, I didn't have a place to live. I had been fired from that job. I robbed. Who to thunk

And I went to a meeting and I shared about how I needed a place to live, I needed a job, I needed money, I needed food, I needed necessities. And they said sit in the front row kid, you're going to be just fine. Make sure you hear the speaker and help us put away chairs and pick up cigarette butts at the end of the meeting. You're going to be just fine.

And I check to see if the mic was on because I did. I'm sorry, did you guys hear me?

I'm talking about necessities, things I need, and you guys are giving me semantics.

I don't know, does it? If I put away chairs and pick up cigarette butts, are you going to pay me or how does that work?

Because I need a place to stay tonight. I'm not getting this. And they said no. We heard you, Richie. Your problem is you worry about all the stuff, and sobriety is secondary.

And if you stick around here long enough, whether or not you do the stuff, you'll get some of those things.

But if you don't do the steps, if you don't work this program fully, you will relapse again and you'll lose all that stuff again. And do that over and over, you know, And Jason read about that. And this cycle was repeated over and over again. Unless I can experience an entire psychic change,

that's a big deal, you know, And they just summed up in that one little description, that short description. They summed up my last five years, 610, maybe 10 years, because I'd done it over and over. And I thought, man, you know what? Maybe they know what they're talking about. As crazy as it is, 'cause I knew if I stuck around at the end of the meeting, put away chairs and picked up cigarette butts, I wouldn't miraculously have a place to stay. I'm doing the math. It's not adding up. You guys in a A are crazy.

But I didn't know what to do. So I sat down and just said OK. I I gave up on having the answer of being in control and knowing what I knew

and I knew what I knew. And yet I stuck around. At the end of the meeting, this guy said you can stay with me for two weeks no longer. And I slept on a mound of cat hair. I'm allergic to cats. And I wake up

and I put on this Navy. I put on this Navy suit. And he, he was a tennis instructor. So he was out at 6:00 AM. And he's like, if I'm out at 6:00 AM, that means you're out at 6:00 AM. And I was like, oh, like he doesn't trust me. You know, the £95 acne guy. That seems really shady. You know, like, really, I got to get out. You know, like I can't sleep in and stay in your place.

And I would walk the streets of I had lived in Van Nuys. I don't like admitting that I lived in Van Nuys for, you know, for nine months and I walked Ventura Blvd. looking for a job and sweating stuffed up around 3 PMI finally clear up from the cat hair thing and I and I'd apply at places like that. I was so much better than my Panda Express and they would never hire me because I was so I was like, do you have a management position? You know what I mean? Like already like scheming, you know,

hilarious. Hilarious

sobriety has been a trip. You know, I got into the book and my sponsor had me. My first sponsor had me start at the beginning, you know, at the the very, very beginning. And

that's a trip. You know, I started at the front cover. I wrote my name, my sobriety date and my phone number. You know, I opened up to bill storage page one, he said, and he put me back to the front cover and he said, this is where we start. He's like, what to say there? And I'm like, doesn't say anything. What are you blind? He goes, that's what you know, nothing. I'm like, fair enough, Let's start from scratch. And he showed me he had me draw the circle on the triangle because of my third edition. It's not in there. It used to be in there

and I drew that and he explained Unity service and recovery.

You know, the threefold solution

and he broke down where the steps are in the reading. You'll hear different things from, you'll hear different things from different people about how to work this program. And I, I hope if you're new or if you've been here a while to figure that out and what that means for you. Funny thing is, you don't have to do any of it. You don't have to go to meetings. You don't have to get a sponsor. You don't have to get commitments. You don't have to sit in the front row. You don't have to go to 90 and 90. You don't even have to stop drinking. You know to just to be a member, you just have to have an honest desire.

What I found out was an honest desire only gets me so far.

If I want to stick around the next page, the first time it mentions that, the next page, it tells me that if I want to stick around, I got to work with other Alcoholics strenuously and that means I got to go out of my way. That that means like when I got plans, I skip them and I do what I know is best and stick my head out and say, hey, is there anything I can do for you? And first thought is I don't want to do this. And as soon as I'm doing it and I see that click happen and they say thanks. And sometimes they don't.

I know that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, you know, and it blows me away.

I got a new sponsor at 7 years because I had, I had been resting on my laurels for many years and resting on my laurels. I'll tell you, I had at at 7:00 at this, my seven-year birthday, I had 15 sponsees

Of those 1513 I was meeting with on a weekly or bi weekly basis. I was making it to about 1:50. I was able to make it to about 11:50 meetings a week. I had commitments at three of them. I was secretary. I was speaking on average about four or five times a month. That's like once a week, once every once, maybe sometimes twice a week, three times a week. It just depend. I was boy, I was a big fish in my head

and I found out. I talked to my sponsor and told him all this and he he said, how's your prayer and meditation?

I said, oh, I touch base in the car.

You know, it's it's pretty quick. It's what's up, big homie. Thanks. Thanks for all this. Thank. Thank you for doing what you do, for just thanks for being you. This is a cool life. Thank you.

He's like, OK, but you don't hit your knees and you don't, like, dedicate that time. No, no meditation. Avery. He's like never. I'm like, pretty much

said, what about written inventory? Said

a spot check.

Pretty, pretty prompt, you know, to to admit when I'm wrong. You know, I'm pretty good. He goes nothing pen to paper. I don't know. I mean, well, no,

OK, I'm gonna put you on my phone as HA Richie.

I'm sorry. Yeah, half ass.

Are you leaving with the 15 and the 11:50 and the no speaking? I speak a lot and he's like I was I was hoping I could get at least three quarters, you know, and he wasn't going for it. And what I found out was I had my my my program was unbalanced for me. I'm not telling you how to work your program. I would never tell anyone how to work their program. I hope you find what it works for you and for me. I I dropped. I didn't drop. It just sort of happened that my sponsees

when elsewhere and I lowered my meetings to, you know, I go to about 5-6 meetings a week now, got commitments at about three of them. And I've only got about four or five sponses right now,

but I inventory almost daily. I have a daily program now that I'm pretty good about. There's some gaps. I was looking at it with my sponsor today and there's definitely some gaps where I miss. I can always tell by my journal, you know, and there was an 8 day gap recently and but that's a long time I realized, you know, what else I noticed was that that's it's not like that anymore. It used to be the gaps were big and frequent. Now the gaps are smaller and less frequent. And I love my life today.

If you're new, I hope, I hope you. I hope you stick around long enough

to see through the people that relapse and the people that talk big game but don't walk big game. And I hope you see that there's a lot of people here that do the deal. And when I tell you about a program that I work today and the books that I read in the journaling and the gratitude list and I even I wrote a love letter to myself today. I wrote a love letter that's not in the book that is nowhere in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's in that was recommended to me from a different book. That's not

a A related, but I thought it was such a nifty idea that I started writing love letters to myself.

My sponsor and I, we both did it. We we went out and got stationary.

It's really, it's really cute. I like my stationary. I I use a I use a red pen because I think it's really sexy.

I If I want a love letter, I want

red ink. I think that's cute. I I started off my dearest Richard and

that's me. I go and I tell myself something I love about me. And when I first wrote it, the first one I wrote was so funky and so foreign because I am uncomfortable with myself. What has dawned on me in this almost year of doing this now is I haven't loved myself.

I have a hard time loving me still with the step work, with the friends, with the life, this amazing life that I have. And what I'm learning today is

I'm not too shabby. The steps have allowed me to become a human being, nothing more, nothing less. I've made so many mistakes in this program, some big, some small, some sideways, some this, some that, but I've done some pretty cool things. I'm a mixed bag, you know? And the cool thing is if I work this program and continue to be honest with my sponsor and my higher power,

Sky's the limit. You know, I can have the most amazing life today. And I do. And I love my life and I. If you're new, if you're old, if you're used,

stick around, you know, jump into this thing. Ask us what we do, you know, talk to us. Thank you for my life.