The Open Door's 29th Annual Alcathon "Feel the Fear and do it Anyway" in Lancaster, CA

My name is Andre. I'm an alcoholic

and good to be summer, good to be free.

Welcome to the new people. My sobriety birthday is May the 29th, 1991. My Home group is a no nonsense group in Redondo Beach and my sponsor is Jimmy Moss. And it's an honor and a privilege to do anything in Alcoholics Anonymous, especially to show up sober.

And I want to thank boys and

the rest of you guys and gals for having me here. It's hot. And this is Lancaster

and this is my Home group for 12 years and I love this place and

I, I haven't been here in several months, so

that's an honor and a privilege to be here. Your alkathon, our alchemon, is looking pretty festive. I told Shalaby you guys have enough decorations up to last for the whole year until you bring them down. And it's tradition here.

In fact, I see some shit, but you know, behind me. Just really grateful to be a part of the permanent motif of Alcoholics Anonymous

here at the Open Door and thank my friends for coming with me. Several of my members of my sponsor family and Home group rode up with and we also have a time slot here tomorrow, so

if this pitch doesn't go off too well, my friends will be here to clean up for me tomorrow afternoon around 2:00.

Oh God, what a what a woo. Let me tell you, it's been a long haul. I'll start out by saying that

I'm a real alcoholic

by way of physical allergy as spiritual malady and the middle of session when it's triggered I'm

off and running. And before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous I didn't have the pot to piss in or wonder to throw it out of. I was pretty much a dead man talking

and I've done quite a bit of that to myself.

You know, 95% of my dilemma is a,

that I'm selfish and self-centered

and the other 5% is that I am an alcoholic

and I'm 100% insane without this program.

And through God's sponsorship and the Staffs, I've been able to feel some fear and do it anyway and walk through those things. And I learned that originally from my original sponsor, Dennis leaves the 1st man that approached me after treatment and took me through all 12 steps of the program. And what happened was I, I grew up in Watson from the Jordan Downs housing project

is not very close to this community at all, as far away.

And I love the projects.

I, I, I remember when my mother used to have these parties and she has six kids. So we had a party for each month of the year and the front part of the year,

and then for the rest of the six months she would just make shit up like Flag Day, Flag Day party or you know, just all kind of stuff. And they would play Spanish,

which is the card game and big quiz and all this stuff. And me and my sister would clean up after the party and, and we'd be cleaning up those drinks at those normies and hard drinkers would leave behind. And I just fell in love with that. That was just like the way to go,

you know? Anybody gonna help clean up? Yeah, me back off, you know, and and I love cleaning up after my mother's parties and my mother made alcohol, but very fun, you know? And what happened for me is I wound up getting loaded one time with my brother and my cousin when I was around 1514 years old. And from then on,

you know, I told myself that I've never not gonna not do this,

period. And I proceeded to drink and get loaded and

party. You know, all

all the way out of dropping out of high school, you know, because I something about alcohol, what it does for me, it doesn't do to the normal or average drinker. When I take a drink, the drink takes me and I'm, and I'm and I'm out of control, you know, so I wind up getting ran out of that community and I wound up getting chased into that rehab. And up there they had these people

coming in, coming up on, they call them panels.

And there were, they were, they were coming up on these panels and they all look like they were high to me. They look like they've been smoking weed or something. And these men and women would come up and they would talk about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and what it had done to them and why they weren't drunk anymore.

And it was interesting. It was so interesting that

half, half my stay there, I sat in the front of the meeting hall, you know, because when I first got there, I like sitting in the back because when you sit in the back, you can kind of half ass dodge facts. And I had to sit in the front to really get

more acquainted with what these people were saying, you know, and, and it seemed like to me like if you're going to drive all the way to hell, the Warm Springs, which is like on this road to Jericho,

you, you, you may have found something interesting, particularly on like Friday and Saturday nights. You know, these people were driving all the way up that hill. And I just remember meeting the guy up there during the week named Al Russell. And he used to come to our noon meeting on the hill. And he, too, used to sound like these panel people.

It was almost like they were related, you know, and he was sharing about his life and

some of the struggles that he was having. But you know, he would always share about what he did with this program in order to not be loaded no more. And all those things became interesting to me. So interesting that I started sponsoring people before I even took the steps. And I was going over work with some of the new people at One Sprays in the dining hall with the working knowledge of absolutely nothing,

if I may have killed

few of them. But I survived that experience over and you know, I got out of there

guy named Kenny Washington, who was a counselor there and he backdored me into one of his, his sub living homes. And I moved over here around the corner from this place to age 12, you know which is a sober living home at the time.

And

I came here on a new to the new meeting. I got out on a in the morning and I came here to the noon meeting because my friend Bob aswell had already been out. And he told me you need to go to the open door. And it wasn't in this room. We were two doors over and he

he said you need to meet this guy named Dennis. I already have you set up with him. And I thought to myself, we'll see. My friend here knows the status, you know, because I was the ex a, a steering committee chairman at Warm Springs. So I needed somebody that was really going to get out, be able to work with me

since I memorized the book and hadn't taken any of the steps. And he introduced me to this man. And that day at the noon meeting, I was sharing about how I was miserable.

I was going to get ready to take my gear cake. It was coming out and,

and, and I don't know what to do. And I shared with the group that I had already taken the first three steps because I filled out those packets at Warm Springs, my step packets and, and I shared and I and he made me laugh during the new meeting. He made a comment about the floors and how dirty they were. And he suggested that the people who were feeling like shit

help clean this shit up of what he said. And I

state after the meeting and he talked to me

and he asked me did I have a sponsor And I told him no. And he said, well, I'll help you.

And I thought about it and say, well, I don't know if I really need help, but I know I need to sponsor because I know that's politically correct to have. I can already see that that's a pretty popular thing to do around the end.

And so I talked to him about those step packets,

you know, and he listened to me very carefully right outside the door. And then he's interrupted me when because I had gone on for about 5 or 10 minutes, he finally interrupted me and said, it sounds like you know a lot about those first three steps. These

sounds like you need to get started on your inventory. But first, I want to let you know what I know about those first three steps.

You know, And that kind of threw me for a loop because I didn't know what he knew about those first three steps. And right then and right there, Dennis Lee gave me a writing assignment. He told me what to do. He told me where to go, and he told me where I should be. And I know that that is not the reality of a lot of people's sobriety and

and that's why they called me down to share mine with you from this podium. It's my turn

and that's what took place and

and he he started reading that big book with me. He was uncomfortable with me reading the book alone

because he said I was too smart for my own good.

And I don't know about you if you've ever been cornered by a racist,

but this is what I felt. Because as a black, intelligent person who has gone through 11 months of rehabilitation, you know, the last thing I need is some big old white man from Florida telling me what the hell to do.

But I listened anyway, you know,

And he talked about

what happened to him and he told me how he got sober and

use that big book and our time together to show me how he was staying. So,

you know, and he used to make me, he used to suggest that I come to a meeting once a week door, even though I was making all my meetings at the open door at one meeting in particular that he wanted me at was that 1030 fair meeting on Tuesday nights.

I could not stand fear meaning. And the only reason why now that I'm looking back at my life and like what was going on with me, the only reason why I really, really, really, really despise that meeting is because I knew no matter what was going on in his life,

you know, if he was not out of town,

you know, he was at that meeting

for years

and he was very busy, both monkey business and all kind of others. But when it came to the 1030 year meeting, if Dennis Lee was not here, we knew why

he was always at that meeting. And,

you know, he read that format, you know,

you know, you're supposed to give everybody a chance to read in the meetings.

Dennis was responsible for reading that, you know, in that meeting. And and I just remember sitting around listening to him one night. He has he during the day he had surgery on his eyes. He had to get these moles removed off his eyes. And I thought to myself finally, you know, a break from this fucker

didn't work. You know, she dropped him off.

He showed up

after eye surgery to the fear me and it's just like being 100 freak. It's like how did he get here? You know, we didn't know that uncle dropped him off, but it was just like he, you know, he he was just somebody that

that was more concerned about God sponsorship than the steps than his own well-being on a lot of days. I mean, he was just sold on the ideas that are contained in this Great Society and in that book.

And I just remember him walking him through

a particular amends. I had to go make an amends downtown Los Angeles. And that was the time that a gal named Marie was a real popular newcomer. Marie was around and everybody loved Marie and everybody went to court with Marie. And, you know, all the guys wanted to have sex with Marie. Marie just sort of floated above my fucking ego in 10 minutes, you know,

when she showed up here and I had come around the time where I needed to make this amends because I had three, three traffic warrants down in Los Angeles. And I told him, I finally told him about him and took me a couple of months. And I just thought to myself, I may not be as popular as Marie, but a lot of people know me, you know, now, you know. And so when I go make this amends, everybody's going to come with me. We're all going to hold hands like in the movie Toy Story.

You know, we ought to hold him and go down to the courthouse. And Dennis told me, here's the $14.00 that you need for the Greyhound

and you need to go on down there.

No support,

no support, you know, and I just thought to myself, here's another sign of racism, right?

Everybody run around

following this little white girl and they want to all sleep with her and stuff, but the, you know, the crazy black guy needs real backup and nobody's there for me.

I did not tell him that at all. I just got on the Greyhound bus that morning and went on down there and I went to the courthouse. We had just done my third step and he rushed me through all these other things. He didn't take a whole lot of time in between the third step and the 9th

because he knew my stomach was really, really weird and I would just flip out and lie and bullshit. And he really wanted to tackle the things that were really tackling me, like I needed surgery when I got here and I was lying about that, you know? And I did. I dealt with that really quick with him

and I went down to that courthouse man and I was scared and I I set the third step prayer. I was waiting on the judge

to call me up and he called me up and I had my completion letter for Warm Springs and he stepped all the little tickets papers and said you're done. And I almost fainted. I got real lightheaded because I because I built up this fear that my sponsor needed to walk me through. See,

and he knew I needed courage and the truth to do it, just like the book says,

you know? But I didn't have the kind of faith at first that I thought I should have had, you know? So he showed me blind faith by telling me to take my ass on down there.

And that guy, when he said you're done, I went all the way. I don't know if you've ever been to the courthouse downtown, but a lot of the stuff takes place upstairs. So I rode the elevator all the way down and I thought to myself, they didn't give me any papers or anything. I got to go back up there and I went back up to the courtroom and the bailiff said you're done, you know? But I'm so used to, to, to not being done with my bullshit.

I'm so used to this long country music trail of crap that goes along with who I'm supposed to be. I didn't know how to be free, you know,

and, and I rode the bus back and I was telling all my friends that I had the best sponsor in the world, you know,

But before I went, that's before I went down here. I didn't like it. And when I came back, he was awesome.

You know, aren't people awesome when you realize they're helping you? Don't they suck? When you don't realize that at all,

you may be a candidate of alcoholism. And so anyway, I, I went through that and then finally, you know, there came a time in my sobriety where I went,

you guys, you guys call it crazy.

I went out crazy. And I was at the speaker meeting one night because Dennis had told me that when you get 5 years sober that your head is going to come out of your ass. He promised me that

and one time I had by this open, I wouldn't heard the speaker things down in Silver Lake at the 80 Center and I heard that man saying that, you know, he had five years sober and his head was out of his ass and he and he was freaking. So I went and told Denison it done to me. Oh, I got five years and my head's coming out of my ass now. And Dennis just simply replied, yeah, your head is coming out of your ass, but your mouth is hanging out.

And and I got these info when he told me

and I thought it was embarrassing and rude for him to talk to me like that. So off I went to find another sponsor and I found this guy

down at the rafters, you know, and he's a really nice guy and he told me the most profound thing I'd ever heard. He told me that I needed to continue to work and go talk to Dennis,

you know, and that's what I did,

you know. And then I moved away too, you know, I got out of here and I've had some people like Steve and the other Steve that went out, you know, they helped me, you know, deal with this step working stuff

and to kind of turn the corner on Dennis. For me, it was like after I got older and sobriety, I started realizing how much of A commitment that he had with this program and guys and gals like me, you know, in spite of his flaws, you know, and the fear that I experienced is the fear of being sober and not behaving as a drunken fool.

You know, that is the ultimate fear of this alcoholic when I'm all done barking,

you know, and I had an original sponsor that that knew that that's what was really going on with me. And he was able to help me through the work and get

get this relationship of desire power that against and keeps me sober and left to my own devices. I'm really, really a very fearful, thirsty and sane man,

you know, and I'm looking at some of the faces here right now at this meeting and some of the people that aren't really here, but I see their plaques and stuff. And the history that I have with Alcoholics Anonymous starts from this place,

you know, and being

being so grateful

because my sponsor was really not the kind of guy that was sort of a, you know,

perfect individual. The one thing that I love about Dennis, particularly in regards to the meeting, I mean, there's a difference between a groom and a meeting, right? And not only was he able to come and visit certain meetings, but he was, he was an effective part of this group. And it was

certain amount of respect that he had for it, particularly while the meetings were going on. It was almost like he knew when to cross talk, or it seemed as though he knew when to talk shit about me while I was sharing and everybody would laugh at the right time and everything. But there was still a certain amount of respect that he had for the function of the meeting and how the group needed to survive.

And he was very clear on that. And the only way that I know that now is by looking back at some of the things he did. And it wasn't always connected to what I wanted him to say.

And,

and I remember when Brenda called me and told me that Dennison finally passed away because we have been down here a couple of weeks before that me and my friends.

And even before that me and a couple of my sponsors went. So I'm in the hospital

and it just looked like in spite of what he was dealing with, you know, he always knew that he was in a, a, it just, it never, I never really seen him waver from that. In spite of all the shit he calls for himself on certain days and whatnot, You know, he never really wavered from the fact that he was a part of Alcoholics Anonymous. You're not afraid of God that he passed that legacy on to me.

You know, I don't ever want to get too many years where I forget about the days I was in when I got here.

And coming back here is a clear indication of the fact that

I'm just an alcoholic.

I don't know if you've ever been back to your classroom when you've gotten older, but a lot of times when you go back to your kindergarten class or your 5th grade classroom, it just seems like all the furniture has gotten smaller and it's because you've grown, so your size has changed, not these objects. And what I'm sharing right now is not everything is the same size here.

I haven't been. I haven't grown beyond

the respect that I need for the open door,

you know? I don't have it so good that the open door is so fucked up that I could just overly disrespect it because I've moved beyond what the open door means for people,

you know? I don't have that kind of sobriety today.

When my mind starts turning those kinds of thoughts, I'm in danger

and so are you, see, because I'm connected to you. And when I'm disrespectfully running around here, not respecting the thing, that's the core of what I need to be about. The main taproot of my sobriety is my absolute powerlessness over alcohol

without being connected to a group. Honestly and respectfully, I'm just an irate fool that nobody wants you to work for age 52. Those, the Devilmans, they become a part of my reality.

He taught me that if I can come to a place like this and truly try to respect what's really going on, that when my supervisor on that job tells me to do something, I'll shut the hell up and do it.

And he taught me how to transcend these behaviors and these ideas into regular everyday life

without my AA humility badge on. But I had a certain amount of anonymity about being an alcoholic synonymous. And I'm just really tripping off that. And I've been telling the story lately when I went and applied for that job over there at that retail store, and he took me over there and he loaned me in his dream time to get the job. And I went in that place, man. And those people hired me right on the spot

and,

and I came out of there with a big, old huge shitty grand on my face. And for one little half a second, it looked like he was kind of smiling a little bit.

And then when I got that card, told me, give me my goddamn time.

Because he knew who he was dealing with, regardless of who those people in that building thought they were.

That's why I love my spots

and I can only do that with time sober. I can't do that with problems of abundance that I don't want to solve. I don't see the love of my sponsor when I'm dealing with that,

you know? But on the other side of getting through this fear, then all of a sudden I see what I'm supposed to be doing around here,

you know? And I don't have to be perfect and I don't have to be the one that everybody likes,

but I don't have to have all the money. You know, I just need to be the guy that's willing to set aside myself determined objectives

to have some sort of real connection

of the group.

There's meetings all over the place, you know,

and

something about the group, you know, the group I'm involved in right now, you know, we're coming up on an anniversary. We'll have two years as a group and it's not really a big group, you know,

and some of our friends have Shalaby's been down there, Janie and so View Boys. And

you know, even Steve has traveled outside of the comfort zone and, and, and, and gotten down. And what I want to share with you is we also visit a group called Pacoima

and, and they have customs and the open door has customs and, and each group is autonomous. Each group has their own character. The character of The Open Door is that we care if you want to stay. So

you know, and, and we'll let you raise hell in here too. I mean, if you really want to stay so. Because when I came here, they were throwing chairs.

Joni would be in here acting a fool. And the only reason why we would sort of, kind of put the cradle around the baby, so to speak, is because we really believe she wanted to stay sober.

In other words, we didn't believe that she just wanted to have a place to hang out and do whatever the hell she wanted to do, whatever she wanted to do it.

We believed as a group that she wanted to stay sober.

So I'm here to share this afternoon that if you mean business, so does the open door at its core.

But if you don't mean business, then these people can see monkey business a mile away and they may just stop you in your tracks in order to preserve the sanctity of the group

because no one individual is more important than the crew,

you know? And I'm not saying this from some Martin Luther King junior book, you know,

from a literature and our experiences as a society, the group is more important than the individual.

I was reading the service manual the other day and I was quoting some of that stuff with some of my friends. And it's astounding to see that the Co founders had this great human experience based on the fact that one day they could die. So they had the kids and stuff organized as pious as they were that it came to their Oh my God, we might die. We got to do something besides try to do everything.

Sure, boys can relate to that. And, and, and in order to include everybody,

we needed the traditions. And when Bill first wrote the traditions, other groups that he would try to go speak at would say, Hey, Bill, you know, we know that these traditions thinking about Bobs are important to you, but we want to hear from Gala, you know, and and and Bill was sort of treated like crap for a little minute in regards to the traditions. You know,

most Alcoholics,

you know, when instincts have gone astray, they walk at investigation, you know, and don't nobody really want to be looking at these traditions in regards to the fact that I want you to prioritize me. You know, what about me? What about my fear? What about my distraction? Vast behavior. And the truth of the matter is, you know what? There's room for everybody,

but

this isn't a hostage situation and he taught me that. There is a rescue operation going on here. However,

we're not going to let you new people screw it up.

We're not going to let the drive drugs come in and screw up our groups.

And I'm experiencing that in my Home group and I'm experiencing that in my sobriety. See, I was really wet and soaking wet when it comes to reading the book with my sponses and going through the steps. I'm really good at that. But when I

dry drunk in regards to the traditions and the 12 concepts of service, I'm,

those are instincts gone straight.

I'm chaotic. Who cares about what's going on? I'm here now, you know, and that kind of drunken behavior at the group level is really not healthy. And I just wanted to put that out there that when I'm in fear of the traditions, I need to really do maintenance on my spiritual condition.

See, and I, I love the fact that a A rotates its leadership so everybody can get their turn in the arena.

It's not just some sort of a thing we do through nepotism or something. Everybody can be the whatever,

you know. Everybody has an opportunity to learn about this stuff that keeps us from falling apart.

And when I'm dry and I'm not willing to put my hand in and to be a part of that, you know, I, I become, I become a necessary nuisance that the group still knows how to get around. It's beautiful alcohol. It's not. It's amazing, you know,

because to be honest with you, when I'm involved in the sets and my sponsor and God and didn't see you to stay with my hand and my ass is in the same spot, you can't screw with me,

you know? And it push comes to shove, my God will push me toward the love that I need, you know?

And So what I had to do is I had to really get involved even more and not just sit around and complain about the open door.

I'll try to figure out some kind of a mock presentation of how I'm really doing what needs to be done. And they're all screwed up over there

because I remember the day when this building was flooded, right? And we couldn't have no means in here. And I remember a couple of those groups, we were talking crap about letting us have meetings in their hall

because that flood affected day as a whole as far as all the people in this area that needed a meeting. See,

love should go beyond myself. Determined objectives on who I think I'm supposed to be around here.

I don't know if it feels like a lecture, but I have a hard time with this icy heart really taking a look at my part. I need sponsorship. I need a group that can see right. You know, I told Dennis leaves to say he had a sponsor that could read two sentences into his bullshit,

and that's what I need.

I still have that today. And it all started for me accepting the way that he worked with me here.

I missed my original sponsor. I missed calling him and have him shoot. Jokes on me,

you know, and tell me

he's to make fun of me because I didn't know what words meant. And it wasn't that he was making fun of my illiteracy, it was just the lie that I would tell. Like I knew what something meant and he would make fun of that and he would let me know that it's not a good idea to pretend you know anything.

Learning is cool,

hip to learn stuff and I didn't know that when I got here. I thought you had to know shit. You know what I learned from my sponsor is that it's okay to learn some stuff.

I learned how to walk through fear.

Doesn't mean that I don't have any either, you know? So I guess what I'm trying to share is that when I decided to move and I decided to get involved with this new group, I'm really not even really making these decisions. I'm just trying to live as spiritually as I can

and 4th dimensionally, things just unfold right in front of me and I don't have to be the captain of my soul and the master of my faith and I can cooperate. And that's all we're asking you to do, newcomer. Those of you who are coming around here or any other meeting and you don't know really what is going on here, we suggest that you just cooperate and find out and then

life will be saved and changed,

you know? And that's what I got taught from the people in A and nobody held a gun to my head and said, you better do this. But damn, when you get in that fear, that's what it sure sounds like.

And I did it anyway because real quick, you know, I didn't want to go back.

I don't want to go back.

I don't want to go back to 5th and San Julian. The only time I have any business being on Fitness and Julian is when I do that panel, when I did that panel down there for my friend. I don't want to eat out of those dumpsters anymore. I don't want to smoke cigarettes, so I don't want to smoke at all. Having a cigarette in 13 years. But I don't ever, I don't ever want to go back to any of that stuff.

And what you people allow me to do is leave here and act like this without the profanity out there.

You know, at my job, with my landlord, with the insurance company for the cars,

the post guy, my post, my, the post worker in my neighborhood, his name is Jim.

The guy that cleans his suit, his name is Victor. You know,

my landlord, her name, You know, I, I just,

I got, I got taught some really tangible depth and weight oriented stuff from this place,

you know, and it was because in spite of the personality and in spite of what I think needs to be going on in a meeting when I was here, there was just a certain amount of respect that we have for the group as a whole. That's all I'm sharing about, you know, and I just hope that that continues one way or another.

And we try to have that respect. And that doesn't mean that we all walk around and have these really tight pants on and stuff, you know, and large like the open Lopez.

I look at their overload truck

alcoholic. But I am teachable today. And

according to that part in the third step in the book, and I'm not going to quote the whole thing because I can, but I'm not going to, it says we are now on a different basis.

What in the hell does that mean in regards to my Home group and my relationship with my friends?

When they tell me, you know, when I'm getting ready to deep what I'm really getting ready to take in the fruit of the third step, what does that really mean? When they're telling me I'm now on a different basis,

what does that mean? Does it mean that I stay the same because just just the way I am?

Because the hair in the back of his head, you stand up when he heard people share that in the meeting.

That's just the way I am. You know what I got thought that's the way you're going to stay and be there.

You know, the most constant thing in the universe has changed.

You know, I'm just so grateful that on most days, in most moments, especially when I'm disturbed, I try to come from a different basis,

basis of trusting and relying upon God. You know, because of myself, I'm nothing,

you know, my father do it for the worst. And one of the reasons why voice when voice said, you know, come down and open up The Alchemist come and give a pitch. And he said, you know, because you talked about Dennis like other people don't,

you know, and I know that Dennis, you know, people talk about the, you know, the quick money deals and all of that stuff with the, with his pet projects and all that stuff. You know what, Bill Wilson had that same bullshit. He's from the position on the stock market.

Yeah, don't judge my ex sponsor. You want to talk some shit about something? Read up on Bill Wilson's crazy ass.

You ain't been reading enough. You just been judging a lot. But what happened was Bill decided to make some changes by the grace of God, and here we are almost 80 years later trying to do the same thing respectfully.

And most of us fail miserably at it, but we keep trying.

And that's what the respect is here, you know, here at the open door. I remember. I remember when Jamie came to the open door,

you know? I remember when Charlotte showed up here,

you know? I remember boys in Warm Springs.

I remember Diane.

I remember.

Because I hear people saying, you know what, I have no effective mental defense against that first straight. And,

and I'm not going to attack poor readers in a a. But the book clearly points out that there will come a point in time where there will be no effective mental defense against that person. But on a lot of days, I do have an effective middle defense, and

places like this remind me of what that is.

Respect for the group reminds me of that defense.

But trying to do all things for all people, I lose track of what the defense is.

The book says there will come a point in time. Is that all the time for you? Because if it is, you need staff work. Papa

got some right to do. It's not all the time that I'm defenseless against first straight, especially now that I'm in the solution.

So anyway, I started venturing out and going to these other meetings and stuff and, and I'm going down here to Redondo Beach and

we formed our little group and we got our little thing going. And our group is so small that you really see when somebody leaves,

Oh my God, somebody left the group. What are we going to do? Quick, close all your books and go, go find them, you know, or whatever. You know, we don't do that in a you know, and every time somebody leaves a piece of me kind of feels something.

But I got taught

that we don't chase some God replace,

and I'm not here to force Alcoholics Anonymous on anybody. Nobody

laid me down on the ground and strapped me to a chair and the open door and said you're never going to drink again. That would happen.

You know, I kept getting hurt and I kept doing dumb stuff and my sponsor kept showing me these steps,

you know, And here it is 19 years later and all I can think of is, you know,

some of those little talks we would have in that little ugly red bone ball.

I couldn't stand that damn car. But every time he came and picked me up, I got my ass in it

and he would drive me around the corner to the meeting and my mind was telling me I can walk. Why is he driving me around the corner?

And the reason why he was doing that is because he was sharing Alcoholics Anonymous with me.

He was trying to make me feel a part of his life

because he knew I needed him to be a part of mine.

You know, He was trying to get me to understand that I didn't understand nothing,

that I needed some new information on how to behave and live in life.

And I can only see that now. And on certain days I wish I couldn't start a little better because I'm defiant

and I rebel and I delay

and I talk shit

and I judge

and I get thirsty

and then I get on my knees and I ask God to help me

in the United States sober.

And then I come and I get to see

I'm on my way to New York next Friday. I'm going to go speak at the AG Group,