The Northern Alberta Convention in Edmonton, Canada

My name is Leila. I'm a recovered cocaine addict from Toronto. My Home group is called A Way Out. Thank you very much, Daniel, for introducing me. I want to say first and foremost, hello, How are you? First and foremost, I got to take a minute to thank first and foremost, above all things, God for bringing me here to you. I thank God for keeping me clean and sober. I thank God for giving me the balls to tell you what I'm about to tell you.

And I think the committee

for inviting me here to talk with you today, I really don't think that you guys know what you got yourselves into. I just spent, I just spent one of the coolest mornings probably in the last year, the coolest mornings I have spent with about 17 to 20 complete strangers

that I met yesterday and through a series of two days, we just all took the first 12 steps of this program.

And, and here's the thing, here's the thing about that. You guys, you have you guys, you made my year. I do this all the time in Toronto. I got sponsees and friends and proteges and people working with other people. And as much as I have lived a miraculous life for the last eight years, clean, sober and recovered and free, his miracles

still take my breath away. Because I'm thinking, what's the best that can happen when this really cool conference? I'm gonna hear some cool stuff and I'm gonna share my experience and I'm gonna make a stand in the truth. And, and, and I, we land. And it was like, you know, a little bit spooky because there was a lot of resistance just to even our presence being here.

And I'm in the bathroom in our hotel room, and I'm on my knees and, oh, my God, I can't see the purpose that I'm here. And I think maybe I'm just here to share with you some cool, funny stories. I don't do that. I don't do that. You know, sometimes funny stuff comes out just because I'm a nerd and, you know, funny things just come out.

I got on my knees and I said, God, I don't see what's coming in the next 2448 hours, but I'm going to trust you blindly as I have for the last eight years. And within a few hours,

I'm hooked up with 17 to 20 of the coolest people that I have met in a really long time who are honest and fresh and willing and took all the steps in a in a few hours. And does that mean that they don't need to be sponsored and are going to sponsor each other and take back their fellowship that is dying?

That's exactly what they're going to do. And it doesn't mean that there's this thing where it's like anything that you say and anything that you do that is not a cliche and that is not some some, you know,

sheep mentality that you're some kind of a troublemaker. And I'm our fellowship is in a lot of trouble. Guys, we have completely lost why we're here. And here's the thing about that. I wouldn't care so much because I live a great life and I got a strong Home group and a strong fellowship in Toronto. But here's the thing that kills me.

I look at someone's face who's so excited for the first time in decades, these guys were excited to be told the truth. That actually you have all the tools in front of you and all the power that God is giving you to take back your fellowship and make a stand for the truth. I mean, what is the truth? Why am I here, really? Why am I here? To show off that I've been sober for eight years to piss some people off. And I understand. And you're either going to sit here and bear through it and you're going to hate my guts or you're going to walk.

But The thing is, you got to look around. Some of us really need to be here and some of us do not. If you can stay clean and sober because you've been sober for 10 years, you don't need to be here. You don't it. And it doesn't piss me off. It impassions me to see that there are people who really need to be here because we are real addicts. And guess what? Those are the guys that are keeping pushed out of this fellowship because they just can't do what you non addicts can do.

This is our fellowship. Our fellowship for drug addicts who cannot stay clean and sober on fellowship, who cannot stay clean and sober on prayer alone, who cannot stay clean and sober on the church, who cannot stay clean and sober 'cause I went through treatment, who cannot stay clean and sober on really stupid cliches. This is our fellowship for those who cannot do that. Now my problem is this.

You can come in and you're welcome to be here. You're

the only requirement for membership in our traditions is that you want to stop drinking and using, right? But that does not qualify you to sponsor somebody like me.

It doesn't. It doesn't. Here's what's going to happen. You're going to come in and we are inundated with people who can kind of use what we have, make the best of it, right? Stay clean and sober, eat our food, fool around with the women, right half ass sponsor the men. And that works for some of you because you're not real addicts. You're not.

It's none of our business to decide who's an addict and who isn't Reid working with others.

If you are satisfied, if you are satisfied he's a real addict or a real alcoholic, then you can continue. If you're satisfied, what the hell does that mean? Oh, just open the doors for anybody and let them come in and take over our fellowship and turn it into a really sick social club slash group therapy. And if you don't like what I say, well, you don't take it up with your sponsor, not me. And maybe it'll be the first time in your life that you'll do an honest inventory.

But here's the thing. My purpose in being here

are for my new friends, my new friends, my brothers and my sisters in the fellowship. Who, Oh my God, do you not want to miss out on this guys? But it's up to you now. I mean, I don't live here. I can't be here with you and do this, but God is here with you to do this and this book is here to do this with you. You got to take back your fellowship and make a stand for the truth. What is the truth? You really need to be here and all this crazy ass 50,000 treatment center questions about what makes me

an addict is nonsense. It is nonsense. Our book asks 2 very specific and clear questions that qualify whether or not you need to be here. One, if when you honestly want to,

you find you cannot quit using. What does that mean? I mean, what does that mean? When I honestly want to stop, I'll draw you just a little bit of a picture. I'm 2122 years old. I grew up in a Muslim. I mean, we could just sit here forever and nitpick my childhood and nitpick my family's religion and nitpick the abuse and the drama. But the bottom line is what I'm in a position at 2021 years old where

I'm really into cocaine.

I'm really into the lifestyle of stripping and hustling and power and glory and manipulation and pickpocketing and robbing people. I'm living the life. I am completely willing to be seduced by the darkness. I'm there. Something really strange starts to happen to me.

Start realizing that, you know, the consequences are getting a little bit intense here. You know, I mean, I'm not just waking up in the morning and, and, and I'm feeling a little bit weird and I feel really bad about myself and, you know, I stole some money. I want to die.

Them coming down. I'm completely obsessed with never doing this stuff again. OK, What happens to me though? I get sober. That's the big solution, right? We're going to get clean and sober and that's the solution, right? OK, I'm back to the drawing board. I'm not happy inside. What do I start doing? I become obsessed with ending that state of sobriety. I talked about it yesterday during my work, our workshop for sponsorship. That doesn't necessarily look like I go out and get high. That looks like what?

That looks like What? Oh, now I'm obsessed with that guy. Now I'm obsessed with that job. Now I'm obsessed with being the most popular in Cocaine Anonymous, Right?

I get obsessed with ending my state of sobriety.

Why? I'm not happy inside. I'm restless, the book calls it. I'm restless. I'm irritable, I'm discontented. And you can reword that in any fancy therapy lingo that you like.

And manic depressive. I'm depressed. I can't seem to be of real help to other people. I can't express what I so desperately desire to express from inside me. My soul is being smothered. But I'm clean and sober one day at a time. And I'm shaking hands the right way and I'm stacking chairs right. I'm a fucking clown. I'm a clown juggling trying to get your attention. And inside I'm dying.

But I've made the decision. I never want to do this again. Remember

the very vital decision my life depends on me stopping the use of cocaine, crack, pills, booze, whatever. I made that decision. I'm going to tell you something. I could have passed a lie detector test

that told were told the truth. I meant it. I never want to do this again. But guess what would happen? I would do it again. And here's the really scary thing. No thought, no fight, no resistance, no nothing. You know what that's called? A mental blank spot

that is my illness. I have a peculiar mental twist that completely leaves me defenseless to the truth that I'm going to go on a run now because I'm not normal physically.

I'm not like my girlfriends, who they do a couple of lines and they go hustle the floor and they make some money and they go home. Layla's trapped in the dressing room, coked out of her tree. Well, I just want to do a couple of lines, but I'm not normal physically. It's called an allergy.

I have an abnormal reaction to cocaine, and it's not the cocaine, it's my body reacting abnormally. Here's the thing about that, though. Now I'm clean and sober after I've gone on a big binge, where am I back again? Firm resolution never to do this again. See, a lot of people, they just want to, they think that talking about the the problem is to go on and on about your war stories. Here's the thing. And this is going to smash smash some of you people with your big

feathered egos. It is not the fact that you were a biker or a thug or a criminal or that you pissed on yourself or threw up on yourself or lost your license or lost your family that makes you a drug addict. That might just make you a fuck up. That is not necessarily what makes you a drug addict. Here's what makes you a drug addict. When you honestly want to leave it alone,

you cannot. And when you are using, you have little to no control over how much you use. If you qualify for those two things, welcome to Cocaine Anonymous. If you do not,

well, then just be quiet.

Whoa. All right, Because here's what's going to happen. Us real drug addicts are taking back our fellowship. And you can either come along or it's going to get divided even more. And everyone's so worried about being divided. We're also, oh, you know, Layla, it's all about unity. Let's not rock the boat. You know, you're trying to divide the fellowship. Baby, baby, baby. The fellowship is divided.

It's divided. Do you understand? It's divided. And here's unity is not about going to any lengths to not rock the boat, going to any lengths to people, please,

going to any lengths just to hold on together really tight and justice try to make it through the day and night get high. That's not unity, people. Unity is we we share a common problem and a common solution. And if you don't have that common denominator, you don't belong here. See the traditions protect you from people like me because I can't throw you out. But what you're going to do is you're going to have to sit there and listen as we take back our fellowship. And if you don't like it, then don't come to our home groups, don't read our book, and don't sponsor people like me. Because

to kill me, your junior therapy bullshit is going to kill people like me. Kill those fresh faces that I met upstairs.

You don't have a right to do that

over my dead body. Are you going to keep doing that?

See, I was given a lot of power when I went through these steps. I mean a shit load of power when I went through these steps. And I'm quoting from one of my sons old favorite movies, Spider-Man. With great power comes great responsibility. I was given a lot of power When I recovered. I went from a hopeless, dying, lying, devil's girlfriend,

ruined, defeated, enslaved by the Matrix woman

to a free woman. Ain't nothing. And nobody got nothing on me. Nothing. I hide completely behind my God, period. And here's the thing about that. With that power came a great responsibility to tell you the truth. What is the truth? If you want what we have, we who have recovered as a result of taking all 12 steps and practicing all 12 principles in all our affairs and living by the code of our 12 traditions,

if that's what you want, then you can join us and actually take the steps. See, if that's not what you want, you shouldn't be taking the steps. See, nobody is willing to actually, like, be responsible and start qualifying people properly. Well, yeah, I kind of have a drug problem, but, you know, like, I just want to see how it goes. And like, I just want to kind of like, you know, figure it out and get us some meetings and do some step work from some step guide. This big book is the only step guide, guys, only step guide. The Big Book is our step guide.

It's our cookbook.

It's our cookbook. Can you imagine if we were all sitting here with our cookbooks and we're going to talk about cooking and then we go, I'm really hungry, where's that cake? I talked about the cake. I talked about the recipe, I talked about the ingredients. I watched Joe blow with 17 years chowing down on his cake. Why am I still hungry? Why am I starving 'cause I have not baked my cake?

This book is a recipe book. It's a cookbook. The recipe is the book.

The 12 steps are the ingredients. If you follow precisely what this book says to do. And here's the thing about direction. There is taken direction and there's taking literal direction. You know what literal direction is? Go right, I go right. Go left, I go left. Say this prayer. I say the prayer. Do this inventory now, not six months later. Not with your bullshit 50 page long

self help mental rape

inventory as outlined from this book. OK, I'm going to do that. I'm going to share this with another human being in confidence. OK, I'm going to do that. After turning my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him, there's a lot of stuff that floats around about who that is and what that should be. Here's the thing about that. There's so much talk about this. Well, I'm having the educational variety. I didn't have the birding Bush. Not yet.

Why are you closing yourself off to that? Because maybe some people who don't need to have a direct experience with the power of God, they don't need to do that. Well, they just come and make some really stupid bad jokes, posture with their Peacock feathers, squash newcomers, put down women. Uh-huh. You know exactly who you are.

You do you do that and you can get away with it. Maybe you act out a little bit, maybe you beat the dog, or maybe you're an asshole to your wife, but you can get away with that kind of behavior. And you come and you take out your power trip and bullshit on the rest of us, and you think that God is going to let you get away with that? No, He sends people like me to you, and you invited me. So thank you.

So thank you. No more, no more. As God's people, we stand on our feet. We don't crawl before nobody.

Nobody. Not you. Not your elders, not your GSR representatives, not your World Service delegates, not your committee members. You crawl before no one. You got that before no one. You stand on your feet in front of God,

that is your leader. See, everybody wants to be a general, and nobody wants to be the grunt. Everybody wants to be the general. Everybody wants to be the leader and talk about their way. And we're going to rewrite this book and we're going to do it our way. Remember the literal direction thing? You're going to follow these people into the Bush and you're going to get scraped up and you're going to be starving and they're going to go, well, maybe you just weren't willing enough.

Maybe you just weren't ready to do this work that I can do. Here's the thing, though, about literal direction. You follow what this book says,

and you will get exactly the kind of recovered life that the first people who wrote this book had. You want to trash this book? Go somewhere else. You want to do something else? Go somewhere else.

It's not that we think that this is the only way to do it. Guess what? In this fellowship it is. You want to do something else, then go somewhere else. It's a 12 step fellowship. We're going to talk about the 12 steps. But see, people want to sit and they want to talk to me and talk to us about their conception of God. Well, you know, it didn't happen for me like that. You don't want to get too well too fast. You didn't get sick overnight.

You're still sick, brother.

Or my favorite, squashing people's spiritual experiences because you're so goddamn crusty

that you wouldn't know a spiritual experience if it slapped you across the face.

You wouldn't. You're too busy squatching other peoples. Why? You're too young. You shouldn't be sponsoring people. Well, you're a girl. You shouldn't be helping that guy. Here's the thing about that. If you're so unrecovered sexually that you cannot sponsor or help a woman, and you think the only way to behave yourself as a man is to hide from women, my brother, you got to look at that. You got to look at that. That's like saying the only way I can stay sober is to hide from the bars,

right? The only way to stay humble is to avoid speaking. That's not true humility. That's not true sobriety. That's not what it's like to be a man

or a woman. I mean, we're your brothers and sisters here. And look how we're treating each other. My friend Dana, we eat our own in Cocaine Anonymous. Some little guy starts getting a spiritual experience. And, you know, look, look what I did. I was going through the book and I read this and I feel like I'm really, I'm getting some ground. And here comes along, you know, Big Biff with his Peacock feathers and chops him down off at the knees. How dare you contradict my powder dry sobriety.

How dare you?

Here's the thing about that, though. This is not about your conception of God being put on me or my conception of God being put on you, or that it's about the educational variety. And that's how it is forever. It's not. I went through the steps in all earnestness when I came to this program. And the reason for that is this. My step one was firmly in place,

firmly in place myself. Will was broken sufficiently for me to be humbled and teachable.

Otherwise, forget it. Because here's the thing,

only one character can play God.

It's you or your sponsor or your quote UN quote leaders, or it's God that plays God you choose. But there is only one character that can play the role of God

and don't ever let anyone mess with your point with God. Hey man, if it's the spirit of the universe, rock on. If it is the Buddha and all his glory, rock on. If you don't know but you just open to the spirit of the universe, rock on. If it is Jesus Christ who is my personal Lord and Savior, rock on. But here's the thing. Please don't tell me how to pray and I won't tell you how to pray.

That happened to me when I was first going through the steps. I was an ex Muslim slash new Ager slash atheist slash hippie dippie, whatever.

But guess what? All I needed to start activating this cookbook. I was willing to believe that there was a power greater than myself. A power not a belief, not a theology, not a religion, a power greater than myself. And it was a sufficient enough invitation for the power of God to come into my life. And and the thing about that is this. I had to be sufficiently convinced that I am broken and cannot save myself

and no amount of posturing in the fellowship or big book or or printouts or worksheets or I want to kill myself. All the crap that floats around. No amount of that stuff

can keep me sober now. Don't twist my words. You can help me, you can walk with me, you can guide me, you can stand with me, you can speak the truth to me. But you can't save me.

I got to that place in recovery, clean and sober. I saw it. I saw that I was powerless, Completely powerless. I have lost the power to choose whether or not I'm going to stay clean and sober.

Do you understand that that means I don't wake up tomorrow and decide to stay sober? If you can do that, you don't need to be here. The problem was removed as taking as a result of taking all the steps which put me into contact with a power greater than myself. That is what recovered me. Not your wisdom. Sorry. Your wisdom led me to a place that I could become willing and humble enough to see that I'm truly powerless. They spend 50 pages,

you know, on step one. Why? Why? To convince me I'm powerless. I am. The tidal wave is a coming. I'm drowning in a raging ocean. But we were talking about this yesterday. What's scarier than that is not being oblivious to it, is not knowing that that's happening.

And my sponsor, through the process of the 1st 50 odd pages of step one in the Big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, took my hand and showed me the tidal wave that was coming. And that was already there before I read this book. That was already there before she pointed it out. And I had a true moment of clarity and humility where I saw that I am broken. I am done. I cannot keep myself clean and sober. I cannot squeeze my way through this little tiny hole on my own anymore.

And I became truly humble and teachable. You didn't have to convince me to take action. You didn't have to convince me to turn my life and my will over to the care of God, as I didn't understand him at the time. You didn't have to convince me. Yes, Captain. We're going to read this book. Yes, Captain. We're going to take this inventory. Yes, Captain. We're going to keep praying and meditating. Yes, Captain,

we're going to look at all the defects of character that block me off from the power of God, that block me off from the wisdom that is trying to speak into my life and guide me and help me and shield me and love.

Yes, Captain, you're going to go out and make amends to all the people who did you more harm than you did them. Yes, Captain, you're going to go out there and you're going to help these new people. And you have to understand, Cocaine Anonymous in Toronto eight years ago was brutal, brutal. Talking about the big book was as bad as if you were talking about the Bible or something. Here she comes talking about the big book. Oh, here come those bookers, those muckers, those thumpers,

those gurus.

Get off your pedestal.

It was a big cross to bear, but we did it anyway. Because here's the thing. My allegiance is to God, not you. Sorry. My allegiance is to God. My commitment was with God. I turned my life and my will over to the care of God. My relationship with God and not your opinion of me is what keeps me sober and clean and empowered and free and a slave to no one. If we're friends, it's because we're really friends and not because I want your attention and approval.

It's real, like a real life.

And what happened for me is I continued on and I did all this work and I'm like, well, I guess that closes the door on God. I mean, I figured God out and I know I'm having this beautiful spiritual experience and it's intimidating the hell out of people. And a few of us are getting together and we're trying to turn the tide and there's resistance. The waves keep flipping us over. As you're experiencing in your fellowship today, you try to turn the tide and someone comes and flips over your boat and squashes you and puts you down and goes.

Just kidding.

You know who you are, right? Yeah. And And you know who you are who receive it, right? And you just let it go. Who? I want to be humble. Well, I don't want to rock the boat. Well, I don't want them to think that I got some balls to say stop talking to me like that. No, it's not a joke. It's called an attack, A passive aggressive attack on the foundation of your recovery. See, God is the foundation of my recovery,

not this fellowship. What happens if this fellowship was completely destroyed? What? I'm screwed,

NO23. Four of us, 17 to 20 of us would get together in a hotel room, our new meeting in Edmonton. Room 536 would get together and the power of God would work miracles through us and in us to stand here with you and invite you. I invite all of you to take a stand with us. Here's the thing though, you're either coming with us or we're leaving you behind. You got that? You are not going to shit on these people anymore

anymore. It won't be tolerated, or we'll come back and we'll bring more people with us.

Wow,

My own personal experience with that is

I thought we were standing alone. And here's the thing, my brothers and my sisters, the people who are babysitting my son right now, who I love and I trust with my life, who I was making many, many home videos at our hotel room with her 15 outfits that we brought. My friends, the people I love and adore, they were little people scattered and hidden in the shadows and Cocaine Anonymous of Toronto,

right? While the bigwigs had taken over and all you had to do was take one look in their eyes. And my brother, I mean, if that's what a spiritual experience looks like, I don't want it. You're mean,

you're mean and you're hard. Your heart is hard. And I don't mean like firm and strong, I mean mean,

you want to change. Cool. If not, we started our own meetings. We went into detoxes. We were taking people through the steps while we were still fresh, learning how to do that. And we learned together and we walked together and we continue to pray and meditate and made our mistakes and went through all the stuff that goes through with turn in the tide. And the tide turned. And the doubters and the scoffers and the people, now they just hide behind their computers and make up websites attacking Cocaine Anonymous and the people who are really involved in this book. And here's

beautiful thing, every single one of those people could knock on my door tomorrow morning and say I'm really messed up and I need some help. Can I come to your meditation group? Come on in brother, we love you,

but make no mistake about it, just because I love you does not mean I'm going to let you shit on my fellowship. No, no, uh, uh, not going to happen. And as a result of doing that, I grew in my relationship with God and I continue to try to do this thing and went through my ups and downs and tried to create my own ideal and relationships. You can try that, or you can just learn from our experience and actually go to God directly,

right? My ideal, no matter how good it is and no matter how rude it in principles it is, it is still Layla Power.

My ideal for the fellowship, my ideal for sponsorship, my ideal for relationships, my ideal with work. It's still my ideal. And here's the thing, there were a lot of people around me going. I mean, that's just crazy talk, Layla. And what do you think? God's just going to drop a paycheck in your lap? Actually, He does.

I don't know what to tell you He does. What do you think God's just going to heal you of that mental illness? Actually, He did. He healed my mental illness. I'm sorry. I'm not saying that that's got to be your thing, but He healed my mental illness, and I'm not sorry for that.

He healed my financial insecurity. He healed my inability to be still.

Why? Because my problem is a spiritual problem.

It's a spiritual problem. It manifests in a mental illness called addiction. It manifests in a physical reaction called the allergy to cocaine. It manifests in that. But the root of it is a spiritual problem. I am uncomfortable in my own skin and in my own spirit because I suffer from a very deeply ingrained belief that I am separated

and all the steps did were not fill the hole or reconnect me with God. No, no, they healed the illusion that I am separate from God.

I am not separate from God and I know that to be the truth. And I'm about 6 years clean and sober

and I'm working this program and I got people and we're sponsoring and we're doing this and we're doing that. But something's missing. And you got to understand like I'm a really hardcore anti religion and anti this and anti that. I mean, I was just like anti, you know,

but I was willing to be taken to a new level and it was my experience. I asked God to reveal himself to me and Jesus Christ showed up. My experience and and why I share that with you is not to convert you. This is what I love. People are afraid if I say, Jesus, I'm trying to convert you, then they get pissed off when I don't look what I'm not going to for you. Jesus.

The reason why I, the reason why I share this experience with you is to tell you, you got to go seek God on your terms with him. You got to go deep even though it goes against your previous beliefs, even if it goes against the status quo, even if it goes against what you experienced yesterday morning. I don't know who's going to show up for you, but I do know that God will show up for you. He will in a new and wonderful way.

I mean, that is my relationship with God. And I encourage you to stick to your guns with your relationship with God, no matter what that is. But guess what? You don't have to pray to Jesus to stay sober. But you got to give me the right to do that. You got that. You got to give me the right to do that, just like I give you the right to pray to whoever you want to. That's what unites us so beautifully. It is our direct and very personal relationship with God that keeps us sober. Not my dict

on what that should look like. It's got to be a personal relationship or I'm telling you, you're not going to stay sober, you're not going to stay connected, you're not going to stay happy. If you are a real addict, you're not. You can't settle for second best. You can't get fed on someone else's cake that they're eating.

You can't. Well, you're you're salivating and looking for a crumb. You got to sit down with someone who's a recovered cocaine addict

and go through this book as if it's a cookbook and you're going to put a recipe together and you're going to take all twelve ingredients and you're going to put it together and you're going to put it in the oven of God and a cake is going to come out. Here's the thing about cooking and baking. Can you imagine me putting all the ingredients together, all perfectly together? I'm following all the directions. I'm not substituting mud balls for chocolate chips and then going out of the hot phone. How did that happen?

Well, you know, you didn't have an honest enough recovered sponsor to sit with you and go, dude, that's a mud ball and not chocolate chips, right? No, no. We'll spend 15 hours of these saying, well, I mean, you know, we don't really have a right to say what's a mud ball and what's a chocolate chip? No, no, sweetie, it's a mud ball. It's a mud ball, not a chocolate chip. OK, But let's just say you follow it directly, exactly as what the book says, and you put that together

and you follow exactly what it says, right?

And then I'm going to put this little weird gooey thing how it's going to become a cake. I have no idea how taking inventory and getting on my knees and praying and making amends and trying to talk to somebody that really, I mean, I just, I really have no interest in talking to because I'm not getting anything out of it. How is that all put together going to recover me? How is this gooey, sticky wet

thing BLOB going to turn into a cake?

That's the ovens business, not mine. Guess what? Now here's another thing. Do I need to believe that it's going to bake in order for it to bake? No Can you imagine? I'm baking a cake and I'm outside the oven biting my nails, going, Oh my God, I really hope it bakes.

It's indifferent. It's going to bake anyway. It does not need my belief to bake. It needs my willingness to follow very specific instructions from this cookbook. And if you do that, you are going to have a cake and eat it and show other people how to bake their own cake and eat it. And guess what? You can take this recipe anywhere to Edmonton, Toronto,

wherever

and take it with you and bake the same cake every single time you do it. And it's your very own personal cake and it's the kind of cake that's going to fill you up from the inside and out so that you don't need to eat junk food anymore and garbage anymore and trying to steal other people's cakes or squash their cake. You'll have your very own God cake and eat as much as you want of it, but you got to follow very specific directions. And if you don't want to do that, you

ask yourself why? Because you're such a rebel and a renegade. Dude, you're in Cocaine Anonymous. I mean how cool are we?

Hi, I'm a fuck up and I want to be leader of the fuck ups. Whoa, come on. What is this?

What is this? That's the pride. It's ridiculous. You got to ask yourself, why is this?

I don't believe my life depends on doing this if I'm not doing it. See, I was starving enough that you could have told me I had to walk 15 miles just to get one egg to add into my list of ingredients. Yes, Captain. Yes, Captain. Thank God I had a recovered cocaine addict who worked with me. Thank God every single problem in this fellowship is rooted in bad,

poor, shitty sponsorship

that actually we're taking that title away from you. Unless you're taking people through this big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and sitting with them consistently and leading them through the steps, you're not a sponsor. You don't get to have that title. You don't, because the first requirement is that you yourself would have had to do this. You got to be walking this path, but you're going to leave me down a path you've never been to. I'm perfect at that. I was perfect at that.

So how do you, how do you get to

how do you get to some St. in Texas? Well, I mean, this is what I think. I think you got to take route #84 and then we're going to go down. Oh, by the way, Layla, when was the last time you were in Texas? Never.

What am I sharing with? Well, I googled it.

OK, but then they could have googled it. Yeah, I know, but I've been sober longer than you, so my Googling abilities are better than yours.

Have you been there? No, I've never been there. I've never been there. See, my sponsor was there. The people who sponsored me were there. They're a real addicts. They know exactly what this thing is about, eh? This is about the power of God in your life. Your life. Not just my life, or your friend's lives, or your guru's lives, or your elders lives. It is the power of God in your life.

It is about the power of God in your life. And you have a responsibility to share that with the new guy.

And if you're such a self seeking people pleaser that you can't tell them the truth because you don't want them to dislike you, well, you got another inventory to do. And I'm not talking about being mean and rude. I'm talking about making a stand for the truth. Because guess what, my friends, unless you make a stand for the truth, you are going to lose.

You are going to lose touch with it. Unless I'm teaching people how to bake a cake, I'm going to forget the ingredients. I ain't going to be baking cakes for very long on my own. I need you to do this. I need you to do this. I need you to be here for me as you are for me, as I am for you. We were so obsessed with, you know, some of me program, it's a we program. Then start acting like it.

Start acting like it. Put the welfare of your brothers ahead of your own and see what happens to you. See what happens to you.

Stop. Stop the negativity. Stop the whining. Stop the trashing. Stop the bickering. Stop the raping of our program. Stop. Stop

and make a stand for yourself. This is about the power of God in our lives. We stand united in what? The certainty, not the what if the certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts, not my head,

my heart, and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous if you are a seriously alcoholic or addicted as we were. It's right in the book. We believe there is no middle of the road solution. Look around people, the middle of the road solution is dividing us and that's OK because it's like Moses part in the sea. On one hand, we really need to do this and we're going to make a stand and do it. You're rather going to join us or you're going to fade off in the distance.

I'm going to.

That's what this is about.

That is this is about there is no middle of the road solution. We are in a position where what is life becoming impossible for you? Because if it's not, you're not going to want to do this. You don't need to do this

is life becoming. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible. And here's the kicker. If we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we have two alternatives. Guess what? There's no third door. But if you have not passed the region, there is 1/3 option for you.

But a true, real addict alcoholic who has lost the power of choice to choose,

and lost the ability to control his drinking and using? You've placed yourself beyond human aid.

Place yourself beyond human aid. We have two alternatives. One is you're going to go on to the bitter end, dragging as many fresh faced newcomers down with you. Or two, you're going to accept spiritual help and you going to shut up and you're going to do it smiling because you're not squashing these guys anymore. You're not. That was like the coolest meeting I have been to. I just can't stop thinking about it. The coolest meeting I've ever been to. 20 people don't even know each other, sitting, laughing, sharing. A fourth step

is at the end of it. No, it's the beginning.

The beginning,

a new day as we grow in numbers and in power. But we have two alternatives. One, you're going to accept spiritual help or you're going to turn it into a booze can without the booze.

No, because there's a few of us that we are willing to take on the responsibility that has been given us. And if you don't like that because I'm not willing to write, bitch back behind you and let you lead me into hell. Sorry, I don't know what to tell you. You can take it up with my bike sponsor,