The Into Action group in Plymouth, UK

Common Welfare and Tradition 5 We respectfully ask that disruptions be kept to a minimum. Repeated disturbances are not acceptable at this meeting. And with that, I'll hand you over to Julian who has come to share his experience, strength and hope. Thank you.

Thanks. I'm Julian. I'm an addict. What we used to be like, what happened and what it's like now. And people say, how should I share? That's a share, isn't it? I mean, hopefully that's what I'll be saying. That's what I'll be doing tonight, telling you those things.

I like saying I'm an addict because

for a large chunk of my life I had no clue what I was, no clue what I was. The only thing I experienced was an overwhelming sense of difference and behind that, an overwhelming sense of fear. They won't like me. They won't like me. One of my earliest memories as a as a as a youngster, a family came to Take Me Out. They only wanted to Take Me Out for a picnic. I imagine I had a lovely time if I hadn't been who I was. I ran ahead.

I ran ahead until it went away.

And that's one of the most important stories of my life.

Not the big stuff, not the not the scary stuff, not the not the not the needles and not the pills. That's one of the most profound and important stories of my life. I I couldn't be with others. I couldn't mix freely with others. And I sought something all my life to make this anxiety go away. There you are. You see, that's who I am and that's what any one of us who walks through the door is going to identify with. I know this now because I spent a large chunk of my life around recovered addicts

and this is what they will tell you, same as me. They couldn't mix with others and they needed something to, you know, to bring that glow of security, that warmth around that others appeared to have. You know, others appeared to be easy in the world and I spent my life envying such people and whilst bad mouthing them at every opportunity.

And I sought comfort in chemicals, but it wasn't the most dangerous decision that I ever made. Using chemicals was not the most dangerous decision I ever made in my life. The most dangerous decision I ever made in my life is to run away from the things that frighten me,

and I did it for many, many years. Run, run, run. From every challenge and from from every,

from every long journey, I saw the easiest softer option. You know, when the Alcoholics that I first came across, they came across, I'll be honest, I came across Alcoholics who had recovered long before I met an addict to her they rarer, I'll tell you, they're rarer, much rarer. But I came across Alcoholics who had talked about the easiest softer option. And they also had claimed that they'd look for the easiest, softer, optional option all their lives and continue to do so. When they found a fellowship, they continue to do so.

It says, you know, some of us bought. Some of us bought when they found out what was required. You know, it seems like a tall order. Seems like a, a, you know, a bit of a commitment. You know, like most people in this room, I'm not a joiner. I think I've just told you that, you know, I'm not I'm not, I'm not somebody you'd call a joiner. And when I came into a room full of people who all sat with a unified purpose and were proud of that and they had some sense of identity and purpose, it seemed pretty freakish to me.

Seemed pretty freakish and pretty scary. I got to tell you, I wasn't comfortable and I didn't like it. I didn't like it. The only reason I remained there is because I'd, I'd been in charge of my life for such a long time and no good had come of it. No good had come of it. You know, I simply wouldn't have been able to sit with my sponsor had I not been convinced of that. I've got to tell you, my sponsor wasn't very nice guy. It wasn't a very nice guy. I was convinced he didn't like me.

I was convinced he didn't like me. You know, he used to. He used to say some horrible things.

Horrible things. You know, when I first came to a meeting, I came because like most people, I had specific terrors that was that were fast catching up to me, fast catching up to me. I'd gotten away with things for years. I've gotten away with things. And as long as I had gotten away with things, I always felt I've done its work, felt pretty proud of myself. I moved on to the next big idea. Usually a partner that was my particular thing, but I don't talk too much about that because everyone's got their thing. Everyone's got

thing and yours may be different. For me, I went from girl to girl thinking, knowing, actually not thinking. What am I saying? Knowing that it was going to be better this time, knowing that I found the right person, you know? And the killjoys and naysayers, well, you put them aside, don't you? You know, you shut them out. Anyone who can't pat me on the back and wish me well has to be shut out. And that off times included my family and those closest to me. You know, if you can't see the error of your ways in judging me, you know, don't judge me. I said don't judge

and I push them out of my life. And but I stopped getting away with it, you see. And I can remember, I can remember going down the escalator at Dingles and I got into the habit of getting money on my store

but once a week to fuel my habit. And I would go down the escalator and I was clutching my ward in my sweaty palm thinking this has got to stop. This has got to stop. And there's words with turning over my head. This has got to stop. And part of me knowing,

no, it's not. It can't stop. It can't stop because it never has. And I was beginning to turn the corner. My mind was beginning to take me up to a place where no addict could ever help me get to. I've got to tell you, none of you and no one I've ever met in in my recovery has ever helped me towards my step one. I got there one of my own little arms. If I hadn't gotten there on my little lonesome, I couldn't have been sponsored.

Sponsors can't give you step one. And if there's anyone in here who has, like me,

been around a little while and got nothing but but pain and hasn't, you know, hasn't sort of, you know, it's maybe if to you it's still a mystery why there are people who sit here week after week saying the same thing. You know, I, I got recovery and it's brilliant and this is how I did it. If that's still a mystery to you, it's because you're waiting for someone to give you step one. Ain't gonna happen. It's not gonna happen. If I if, if you walk in here, I'm convinced you're gonna walk out of here. I'm convinced. I wasn't convinced sitting in a meeting. Nothing hit me like a bolt out of out of the blue. Rather, I

in meetings for year on year on year, learning nothing because most of the time what I was hearing was

until there was a silence long enough for me to jump in. And then I went

and and we got nowhere. We got nowhere. My life got steadily worse. You know, I'm here to tell you, you know, unless I'm a freak of nature, sitting in meetings doesn't help. Sitting in meetings doesn't help. And I can see a lot of people nodding, you know,

recovery is possible in meetings, but, but, but it doesn't start in meetings. It starts by understanding for good and all, that I am my own worst enemy.

You know that. It's the way I perceive the world that is the problem. It's the way I perceive others. It's the way I make decisions. And again, if you've got a little experience of working the program, you'll know the next phrase, you know, based on self. My decisions based on self were at the at the heart of it, you know, and I could go to meetings and I can say that and I'll get quizzical looks, you know, he's making it up.

Oh, you know, what business has he got coming here? Same things like that. Well, I haven't got any business. I'm just quoting,

I'm just quoting the experience of many, many, many, many people who found recovery in the 12 steps, who went before me, who came to the understandings that their, their problems they felt of their own making. I'm doing it against, I'm quoting the, the, the collective experience of recovered, recovered addicts and Alcoholics, you know, their problems they felt were of their own making. And suddenly, you know, when I began to hear people, people talking like this, the, you know, the clouds began to shift away. The first time in my life, you know, and I realised, you know, I realised just

like these people that I'd found, you know, I had gone through life trying to rest happiness from it, trying every means at my disposal to get happy. And I'll tell you something else that might come as about, you know, belt out of the blue. I always meant well. I always meant well. You know, I've been in institutions, treatment centres, they call, you know, these wonderful treatment centers. People can't shut up about these treatment centers. You know, some people like them so much, they keep going. They keep going back.

I've been in these places and people talk about themselves as they're almost wicked person in the world and that you know, well, I don't identify. I meant well. I really did mean well. I never meant

to cause harm. I never meant to cause harm. I never meant to leave people's lives in turmoil. You know, I've never meant to, to cause my parents shame. You know, that was the result, you see. And that was the result of all my best efforts. Only, you know, I used when I first turned up, people would say, you know, you're best thinking got you here. And I tell you what if, if you're, if you've been around a while and you hate the cliches I identify. I hate the cliches. I loathe them. I try not to use the cliche. Some of them are complete bollocks,

you know some of them. You got to be careful which cliches you're listening to. I was in a meeting a while ago and I heard somebody say

I have to remember, was it? They said classic, I have to remember. The longer I'm sober, the nearer I am to the next drink. Of course,

absolute nonsense. And I'll tell you why they said it. They heard it last week at the impressed them, so they thought they'd speed it off. No, I tried to stick with what's in black and white because it's what's in black and white. What's been in black and white for many, many years is what actually works. It's what it's what changed my life. None of my own little ideas ever changed my life. And so I try to stick to that. And

when I came to this understanding about myself,

when I finally understood that it doesn't matter when I'm whether I whether I have good intentions or not, it doesn't matter whether I try to do the right thing in life, I'm still going to end up in trouble. When I finally understood that, that's when I realised the need for response. And that's when I realised what all these other guys are used to sponsor for. They had got smart enough, they've gotten smart enough

to realize that they needed somebody to protect them from themselves. You said.

I'll tell you what I was really worried about. I was worried about losing my home. When I came to my first meeting, When I came to that wasn't my first meeting. I mean, I've been coming to meetings, fellowship means for 25 years, quarter of the century. I'm 13 years, but I'm 13 years, so 13 years clean.

And what I was really worried about was losing my home, losing contact with my daughter,

the unbelievable mountain of debt that I had accumulated for a person who wasn't in business, for a private person, you know, the unbelievable mountain of debt art accumulated and the fact that I'd yet again got a terrible and disastrous and painful relationship splintered on the ground around me. And then I was, I was worried about these things. I was worried about these things. And the people in the room didn't seem concerned about them. You see, they didn't even really want to talk about to me about them that much. My sponsor wasn't that interested either.

I mean, it, it wasn't that it wasn't that he took them those things lightly I see today. But what he wanted, what he realized, what he knew from his own experience, from his own experience, is that if I could simply focus

properly on the things that he had done, all these other problems would melt away. All these other problems would melt away. The fellowship is not a relationship Council is not where I come for a relationship advice. It's not a clinic. It's we are not professionals. We don't give professional advice. We do not give professional guidance. They're not economists. They don't tell me how to pay my debts. What they do is give me a way, a template, if you will,

to live my life.

And if I adopt this and if I listen well, and my God, I've never listened so well as in those early meetings, if I listen well, all will be well. All will be well. And they said it with great confidence, you see, great confidence. That was what touched me. It wasn't that they, you know, I were all kinds. Andy says it sometimes. There are all kinds of people, you know, I loved it when Andy said the other day, you know, there aren't any clever wallet, maybe clever people here. You know, there may be clever people here, but I'll tell you for nothing. It's not why they're, it's not why they're clean, you know?

It's not why they're clean. You know,

they all claimed with absolute certainty that these simple principles had changed their lives. There was no one in the room coming up with bright ideas. No one. And my God, you know, for a bunch of addicts, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. Nobody was laying claim to this. Nobody was saying that. Well, there's a little bit in here. And by the way, if you do this, which I've always found to be a good idea, you know, nobody was talking like that. Nobody was talking like that. Rather, they were expressing

a willingness and obedience

to a willingness and obedience and a desire to live along certain lines and to be disciplined, to allow themselves to be disciplined by certain principles. And I was moved. I was really moved because it was new. It was new. And I'd already been around meetings for eight years and I've never heard it before. I'd never heard it before. And

concomitant to that, I'd never actually seen that much recovery before either.

My version of fellowship at that time was a group of people, a disparate group of people without many ties to each other apart from sexual.

I sat in meetings where you could literally draw the line across the room, you know, and when the and when you've run out of people to sleep with, you generally drift away. I mean, there was that kind of, it was that kind of fellowship. I suppose it was that kind of fellowship. But I found here something that where principle was genuinely ahead of the game, ahead of the game,

and I found safety from myself. I found safety from myself and it was wonderful. It was refreshing, but it wasn't easy. You see, they don't say, you know, some of us booked for nothing because I have. Most of us do. Most of us do. This is not a small group because we're doing it wrong. It's a small group because we're doing it right. It's a small group because we're doing it right. Most of us bulk. Not some of us. Most of us bulk because

for everyone there comes a time when the sponsor will turn around and say something you don't want to hear.

And that's the point where we find out how much you have bought this step one crap, you know, that's where we find out. That's where we really, really get to know ourselves when the sponsor says something that is beyond the pale, beyond the pale. And it used to happen about once a week, I think with me, I call it the Homer Simpson moment, you know, and I'd sit, I'd sit all sort of righteous in the meeting because, you know, next to my sponsor, because I was now one of the lads, you know, I was on board and I'd taken, I'd taken Step 5 and I, you know, I was one of the gang.

I feel very happy with it all. They need say something. And I think, don't you know, you can't say that I don't agree with you. I don't agree with you, you know, or, or, or he's or I'd make a phone call and say, look, I'm so, I'm so ill. I'm so ill. I got a really, really bad headache and I toothache and I feel terrible. And before I finish, you say I'll be round in 20 minutes, be ready. And, you know, and it pissed me off. It pissed me off,

but I always let him get away with it. You see, I always let him get away with it because I profoundly understood that I needed not to be alone with my own thinking.

I profoundly understood it and he couldn't help me unless I did. He couldn't help me unless I did. I let him piss me off. Didn't matter that he did. It didn't matter that I was irritated with him. What mattered is what I did about it. And I and he didn't care that I was irritant. That's the other thing that impressed me about my sponsor. And I think that you'll, you may see the point in this because it's so close to, to, to who I was. He didn't need me to like him one little bit.

He didn't need my, didn't need my respect,

didn't need it, didn't care about it. He had his life, you see, my opinion of him was no part of his life, only his duty to do right by me. That was all that mattered. And if you've been around a while, you'll understand that these are rare things. They're not rare to try out for two minutes. It's not rare for a person to sound like the you know, to speak with the tongues of men and angels for two minutes in a meeting and then walk off and behave

appallingly. This is not rare,

but what's rare is for a person to take principles on board, digest them fully and live by them. Very, very rare. And I saw it there. The group was full of examples, many examples of people who who, who weren't doing that too. But I never let that bother me. I just stick with the ones who were. And I've always been that like that. I've always been like that. I've never let it bother me. If there are people in the group, sometimes, you know, over the years, people have come to me and say, oh, you know, so and so,

You know, I know they sound good, but

I don't care. I'm not going to die. I don't care. I don't care. I stick with those that I trust. I stick around those who I know are doing it. I know that sitting in interaction won't, won't save your life. I know that. And I keep saying it. It should come as notice of surprise to anyone who is guarding guilty secrets that they're not going to be helped by this group. There's there's no secret about that either. The principal saved my life not sitting here. And so I stuck close with my sponsor and I let, I gave him the, you know, I gave

in the right to be wrong in my eyes because hell, I'd always had, I'd always caught the shots. You know, I chose my friends. I chose my friends. I chose, I made my decisions and they were always wrong. They were always wrong. I always everything, every move I made hammered the nails further into the coffin every move I made. And so having learned this, it wasn't wasn't that hard

to bite the bullet when my sponsor wanted to take me in directions that I was unused to or mistrusted.

And in fact, it was refreshing. It was refreshing. And I came to that point in the steps. It's different for everybody. I came to that point in the steps where I remember sitting in my kitchen and being overcome by a feeling that my God, this is going to work. This is going to work. You know, it was actually for me, it was, it was in the middle of my Step 4.

And so there was a gap. There was a gap I suppose between understand, coming to understand and believe that this is working for them and coming to understand and believe that it was going to work for me too. And you know, I stuck around and gave it my best shot until that happened. It wasn't long. It wasn't long because I was on Step 4 within. I was on step four really within a few weeks of having asked for sponsorship and I was through to step 9 within at that point at that is in those days, we do things a little quicker now within

the month. So I was through to step 9 within a couple of months. And I'll tell you why, because they were grown-ups. They understood that I hadn't this, this wasn't a lifestyle thing. You know, they, they knew that I hadn't come there for, to find a good company. They understood that, thank God and God bless and they understood it. They knew that I was there for my life. And so they got me through quickly. They didn't. They didn't have me sit there

while they spouted platitudes to impress their women. They didn't do it.

They didn't do it. They got me through the steps quickly and they and they and they made sure that they, well, my sponsors certainly made sure that he withdrew his approval.

In direct relation to the work that I was putting in, I'll tell you, if W sponsor suspected that I wasn't pulling my weight, it's very difficult to get his attention. During the meeting, I noticed that. I noticed that. Very difficult to get his attention. Very difficult to spend more than two minutes on the phone with him if he thought I wasn't pulling my way because it's not a social occasion. It's not a social relationship. My sponsor is not my friend. He's still not my friend. I've got friends today because I'm sponsored

my sponsor, you know, my sponsor is

plays a, you know, profoundly important role in my life. But he's not my buddy. He's not. But it's funny because he calls me that, but he's not my buddy. He's there to play, you know, to play a part that and I and I need him to keep on doing it. I don't need him to be my mate any more than I did in those days, any more than I did. And I followed his example. I followed his example to the letter and

there's not a minute in the last 13 years that I've regretted it. The person that's talking now is not the person who walked through the door. And I often said this, the person who walked through the door actually didn't make it. He didn't make it. If the person who walked through the door was still here, I wouldn't be making much sense right now. I really wouldn't be making much sense right now. I'd probably, I'd probably be dead. You don't see that many 50 year old 51 year old

junkies. You don't,

you know, So I'm quite aware that I'm on borrowed time. I'm on borrowed time now. And the fact my life is directly related to having bitten the bullet and begun to take on board obedience to principles. People get so confused about obedience. They think I was obedient to my sponsor or obedient to a man. What nonsense. You know, this is absolute nonsense. I wasn't obedient to, to, to people. I was obedient to a set of principles that allowed me to live in a community,

a set of principles that allowed me to to live in a community successfully. It's no coincidence they've managed to be in the same group for 13 years.

No coincidence at all. Because, you know, I couldn't stay in in the same bedsit for very long. I couldn't stay in the relationship for more than two years, and I certainly couldn't keep the same friends for 13 years. I don't know about you guys, but I ain't got any friends that go back more than that. I haven't got any. Why? Because I'm a pain in the arms,

I'm a pain in the arse. I can't, I, I cannot be around other people successfully. Only with the steps can I be around other successfully.

When I came in here wondering why I was lonely because I had to have everything my way. Decisions based on self, self seeking even at my even when my best intentions were in charge. Decisions made on self-made my life a misery. And so I allowed something else to take over. You know, coming into a group is a big deal. This is a drastic solution. You know it's not for. You know, as I think I've hinted that before,

this is a solution that is not for

the weekend uses. It's not for lightweights. It's not for lightweights. If you don't think your life depends on this, or on the other hand, if you think your life has already been saved down the road in an institution, it's not for you. It's not for you. The people who will stay here are the people who understand the deal they're making. And I understand what's at stake. I know what's at stake and I'm here. We're dressed in the way that most Republicans for me, I, I, I really, if you're new and you think, why is he wearing that? You know, it doesn't. Where does he think he is? You know, I hate wearing suits. I hate wearing suits. I feel uncomfortable in them.

And if you've known me friendly at the time, you know the very rare rarely do I dress this way because I know what's at stake. And I don't sit here as Julian. I sit here as one of the guys. And all the guys sit here, they wear a suit and tie. Anonymous. I'm anonymous. I'm not selling you who I am.

Who I am won't help you.

This suit and tie not only do two things, they help me celebrate the special occasion that this is for me because I've been asked to do something that indicates you trust me, indicates you trust me. And the other thing is

it helps me be one of the guys. I can't stand out. It's it's difficult for me to stand out if I'm doing what everybody else does. That's one of the one of the lasting principles of this fellowship is we do think that this fellowship, we do things together.

And so here I am understanding what's at stake, My life's at stake. And the happiness of everyone that depends on me is at stake. You know, it's not a game. You know, it's not a game. It's not a game. And I know for the most part, I preach to the conversation. For the most part, I preach to the converted. Because you try this in most meetings, you know, really, you know, you won't be able to, you'll be deafened by the sound of slamming doors. You know you'll be deafened by the sound of slamming doors.

And so we know that those who are ready to take life changing decisions

have to do this, have to have this firm understanding of step one. You know, am I ready to do things differently? Do I need to do things differently? Am I ready to trust that someone else might have the answer? Or am I going to do this for 5 minutes until I'm challenged, until who I, the person that I walked in as is challenged Because it's going to happen. It's going to happen. You know, if I didn't need to be told I was wrong, I wouldn't need to be here at all.

I wouldn't need to be here at all. And I, and also, if you read the basic text, you'll realize that these guys can teach you how to leave your pride outside. They can teach you how to peel it off and leave it outside, put it right back on as soon as I get out there. But they do teach you how to leave it outside, which allows me to be of use to others for the time that I'm here. And I know that I'll have missed stuff. You know, there's no such thing as the perfect shirt. I'll tell you for nothing. There is such thing as a crap shirt,

but there's no, you know, I'll have missed stuff. I'll have missed stuff out,

I'll have missed stuff out. And the great thing about this group, as I know that you will all come in and cover what I've missed. And thank you for asking me to share. Cheers. Thanks, Julian. Can I please ask that Sharon be confined to addicts And may I draw attention to tradition?