The Primary Purpose Group in Dallas, TX

If you start to get nervous, just picture me in my underwear and

you'll feel a lot better.

You know,

one of my favorite things, first of all, this is like, this is like my favorite kind of discussion meeting. I mean, it's the topic is me and I get to talk the whole time. And I, I think every discussion meeting ought to be like that.

It's a real treat to, to be speaking here tonight. You know, it's been a while since I've spoken here at this group, although I do get to, to do the foundation meeting once in a while. But it's, it's, it's a real treat because of, of how much I, I, I love this group and, and how much

this group is done for me. And, and I, and I feel like, you know, when, when I speak, when I do something, it's like I've, I've just paid back such a little piece of, of the debt that I, I owe to this group. And so it's, it's, it's a real honor for me to be here. I've I've been in lots and lots of groups over the last 20 something years and and and I've never felt like I like I owed a group much

like I owe this one. So glad to be here.

You know, my, my story is, is probably not a heck of a lot different than than a lot of people's, except I just, I don't remember it very well.

You know, I, I started drinking it at A, at a very, very young age and it was probably drinking on a regular basis by the time I was 12 and, and after a couple years,

I wasn't doing well in school. I wasn't going to school,

I wasn't getting along at home. I, you know, I was, I was in conflict. I was living with my father and he, you know, we just couldn't agree on, on the, the school attendance policy. We couldn't agree on the curfew. We couldn't agree on the smoking policy. We just, there were just a lot of issues that we couldn't come to terms on. And, and, and, and I was at odds with, with him and, and he was kind of the one that made the rules. He was a little bit bigger than I was and

you know, by as far as he could tell, I needed to, I needed to go away. I need he, I was too much for him to, to, to handle. And, and so I, when I was

my first few months of freshman year in high school, I got sent away to, to my first long term. What, what they called residential treatment centers, which are just basically places for, for screwed up kids, you know, back in the 70s and 80s,

you know, the insurance companies would, would just pay for these places like crazy. And, and that's what they did with us. They, they sent us away. And in that first one, I, I went to is it was for 16 months. And I remember I was there for about a day, a day and a half and, and I couldn't get my hands on any booze. I mean, I could not drink. And, and I just, I slid downhill so fast. It was, it was just unbelievable.

I was, I was so incredibly miserable that the whole time I was there, you know, and they, they, they give my dad progress reports and, you know, well, Mr. Pick, you know, he's, he's, he's a nice kid and, and, and he's well behaved, but he's just not showing much improvement. You know, he's, he seems to be, you know, he's, he's still depressed and he's not responding to anything. And, and, and after a while, you know, I just kind of overstated and, and, and got sent home and I lasted for another

11 months before I was off to, off to the next one. And

I went to a place for four months in Chicago where I lived. And then they sent me to another place for 16 months, which is how I ended up in Texas. So I spent, you know, you know, between ages 14 and 18, I spent a total of, of 36 months locked away in these places because of, because of my alcoholism. But, but we didn't, we didn't call it that. I mean, you know, not that I would have been interested in talking about it,

but it was, you know, they called it depression and

couple of disorders and, and, and, and they tried to treat me with antidepressants and group therapy. And, you know, we, we'd sit around in, in groups every day and, and, you know, it's like there may be a dozen of us and, and, and every day someone who's going to have to cry in order for for us to get these people in the group. I mean, someone, someone had to break down and cry. And, and I was, I was always the, the toughest cookie to crack. You know, it's like, OK, Tom, you've, you haven't said anything in three months. And you know, we got to hear from you And, and man, I,

I would just fight these people and fight these people. And, and I didn't understand what was going on with me. They didn't understand what was the matter with me. And, and, and it was just the worst time of my life. Not so much being locked up, but just not being able to drink, just just, it just made me miserable. And then I, the last place was in Austin, Austin, TX, and I decided to stay down there

after I left instead of going home to Chicago. You know, Chicago is the the scene of the crime. And it didn't really seem to make sense to, to go home. I had nothing going for me there. And, and I was afraid if I went back home, I'd end up in another place again. At least at least you know, no one could

really see what I was doing. And so it just made sense to stay there. And I don't know if any of you have ever drank in Austin.

You can't get sober there.

I, I, I, I, I drank heavily and, you know, and I was, I was working at the Austin State Hospital and, you know, we work three to 11 shift and,

and it was, you know, 8 hours of tackling and shackling. And then we'd go out and get screwed up every night and, you know, sleep in and get up at, you know, one in the afternoon and do it all over again. And, and it was just, it was just the coolest job you could possibly have if you're going to drink. It was just, it was just perfect. And, but after a couple years things, it, things just hit the wall. I I was done drinking and

but I I couldn't, I couldn't get sober. I'd, I'd worked

in, in the psych hospitals down there, not just the state, but some other places. And in the thought of checking myself into one of the places that I've worked at or that I've got friends that work at just freaked me out. And I, and I, I couldn't get sober when I wanted to get sober. And Long story short, I went back to Chicago and my dad helped me get into this place and, and my 23rd birthday, I, I, I left there and, and headed back to Austin with a, with a set of instructions. And, and you guys can, you know, certainly imagine what they were, you know, go to

90 meetings in 90 days and get a sponsor and get some phone numbers, make friends, go out and, and, and do stuff with people, go to the dances, you know, play sober softball, make coffee, do whatever. And, and so my, my first full day home, I, I went to a meeting and, and, and I love it. It was, it was a discussion meeting

and I met a lot of really cool people there, people that were, they were like me, people I could relate to. And, and, you know, some of these people were people that I would actually

party with, you know, cool people.

And there's, there's so many people. I wouldn't, I wouldn't, I wouldn't spend a minute drinking with you.

But, but, but there are quite a few people there that that I would. And, and I just, I felt like I was at home and, and, and the meetings were, were somewhat interesting at first. You know, it was, it was, you know, mostly topic meetings and, and people would talk about whatever they were going to talk about. I mean, sometimes the first couple of people would would stay on topic, but it would always veer off in into some direction and and

you know, but, but it was, but it was interesting. I'd listen to people talk about their problems and, and you kind of want to go back the next day or the next week to hear how,

how things are unfolding in their lives. And, you know, and, and, and, and after, after like 10 years of this, I'm just, I'm just, I'm ready to blow my brains out. I'm just, it's, it's just, it's just killing me. I, I've gotten a sponsor right away. I got the, there's this one guy who sponsored all the cool people. And I thought, well, I'm cool.

So that's, that's, that's who my sponsor needs to be in. And, and, and, and this, I mean, this guy loved me. He, he, he wanted the best for me. And, and we did some little, took some little stab at the steps.

You know, one of the problems was, is that he didn't, he didn't understand what the big book said. I mean, we just, we just didn't talk about it. We didn't talk about what the literature says. We didn't talk about what the program really is. And so we had just kind of picked up this, what I like to call hearsay a, a, where it just kind of gets passed on word of mouth and word of mouth. And until, you know, after, after 30-40, fifty years of this stuff, it gets a little goofy and it gets a little, little off track. And, and we start trying to improve things and,

and add some clever twists to what we're doing, make up some interesting things that are designed to shield us from the first drink. And, and, and, and none of us knew any better. I know my sponsor didn't. If he did, he, he would have done something about it. And, and so, you know, I had a sponsor. I, you know, I was told to call him whenever I felt like drinking, which I did,

you know, I was, I was told to pick up newcomers and take him to meetings. You know, during the first four or five years, I, I took a meeting to a couple of different

detox centers down there and I would just get up and do just, you know, some regular old AAA talk. Just try to give them some hope and make them laugh a little bit. But nothing, nothing with any, any depth or weight really. I didn't have a whole lot of experience to, to share about the steps. And, but, but you know, I went down and I did it and I made a bunch of friends and I was, I was plugged in and I was going to, you know, 567 meetings a week. Even in the beginning it was, you know, 10 or 12. I mean, I just, I just, I just bought into everything and I and

did it and, and you know, I'd love to tell you, you know, it was, it was completely miserable. But, but sometimes it wasn't, you know, sometimes it was OK. And there were, there were, there were a lot of people who are, who are very dear to my heart today, who, who I'm still friends with. You know, some of you guys know Charlie Parker down in Austin and Tommy and a few other guys. I mean, these guys did everything they possibly could do to, to help me. Everything they knew how to do, they did. And, and they didn't hesitate and, and they did it lovingly and

without anything, you know, being expected to return. We just, we just didn't have the recipe. We, we just didn't have the, the formula for how to do this stuff. But we were all trying our best. And, and that's, you know, it's really about all I can say about that.

I remember I, I, I finished college. I, you know, I came in out of GED and I, you know, UT was in my backyard. And I decided after, you know, five or six years of being sober to go back to school. And I got a got a bachelor's in accounting and a master's in accounting, which

which means that I can do algebra with dollar signs.

I'm not, I'm, I'm not using it today. Thank God. I tried and I hated it. It sucks,

but you know, I, I, I, I managed to, to arrange some things in my life the way I thought they needed to be arranged in order for me to be happy. You know, I'd gotten married. We, we, we adopted our son when he was a few days old, you know, got the college degree, you know, move to Plano, TX, bought the house, had the,

have the job with the big six accounting firm and, you know, and everything was groovy. And, and in spite of the fact that, that everything was just the way I wanted it or pictured it when I was a little kid, I was still pretty unhappy. You know, I'm still going to four or five meetings a week and you know, I've all my friends are in a A and you know, I married an A, a girl. And you know, my whole life is, is either a a or work or, or my wife and kid. And

I remember I was, I was in this meeting,

some of you may have heard me talk about this. I probably had about 15 years. And it was, is a discussion meeting was a men's meeting. And the the chairperson was, was calling on people. Wasn't like, you know, you just say you don't you talk when you want to talk. He was calling on people. And, and you know, when you've got a bunch of years in the program, you're getting called on, you know, they think you got something to say. And, and I knew my time was coming, but I just,

I was distracted and I was thinking about other stuff and, and, and so when, when by the time they got to me, I just, I, I wasn't prepared. I hadn't, I hadn't worked on what I was going to say

in the event that that I was called on and and I wasn't listening to anybody else. I couldn't really tell you, you know, what the topic was inside of style. I'm just going to tell these people the truth. And, and I said my name is Tom. I'm an alcoholic. And I said hi, Tom. And I said, you know, I don't, you know, I don't want to freak anybody out. I don't want to scare any new people or scare anybody else. But you know, I got 15 years and, and I feel like I'm going to drink again

and, and I don't think it's going to be today or tomorrow or this week,

probably not this month, maybe not even this year. But I'm, I'm, I'm on this path and, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get off, you know, I don't know what to do. And you know, the rest of the meeting that kind of shared at me and gave me a little advice during the meeting. Then after the meeting, they, they came up and hugged me and told me they left me. And these are my friends. I'm not, you know, these aren't bad people. These are these are my buddies

and, and they told me that they loved me and told me that they were glad that I shared that and and that they're

that I let them in on what was going on. And, and and they told me that I needed to start coming to the meetings on time. See I how it works. Just was just driving me crazy. And that was just, that was 10 minutes and I didn't think that I needed to be there.

And I'd, I'd leave 10 minutes early right when the call for the burning desire, because it's going to be that same old SOB that's been using the burning desire to get the last share in for, you know, five or six years. So I'm, I'm, I'm doing 40 minutes of meeting and it's, it's about all I can stand.

And these guys are telling me you need to double up in your meetings.

I'm like, Oh my God,

if, if, if doubling up on, on these meetings is, is going to save my life. I'm dead. I'm going to die. I can't do it. You know, I'm going to three or four a week right now. I, I can't, the thought of going to six or eight just freaks me out. I can't do it. And, and I didn't, and

couple years later,

the thought of drinking came into my head and,

you know, I started going through everything that I had heard that I should do. If that ever comes up, I'll be honest with you, I didn't think it had ever happened. It hadn't happened in 16 years, 16 1/2 years at that point. And, and so I started thinking about what the mid 80s were like, what it was like when I, when I first got sober. And, and, and I, you know, frankly, I, I got sober 'cause I, I thought I couldn't live more than a month or two if I kept going.

And I didn't come in here on a winning streak and,

and I didn't think I could, I could go back and live through it again for very long. Then I started thinking about all the, all the bad stuff that would happen if I were to drink. You know, I'd lose my, my wife, my kid, my business, my, my family, my million friends in a, a, my sobriety date, which I was so proud of

my life

and, and I was like, no way. There's no way I'm going to drink. And, and probably less than an hour I was drinking

and man, I would, I would love to tell you guys that, you know, at some point I just said, screw it, I'm drinking. But that did not happen.

What happened was as I decided not to drink and I drank and it's and it's like this, this mental blank spot that the big book talks about. I didn't slip into a coma. I wasn't, I wasn't just out of my mind. It's just that it, it just, it just started happening and I couldn't make it not happen. I couldn't. It's like a it's like a sober blackout. You know, it's functioning. I was, you know, I was going, you know, it's going to green lights and stopping the red lights. I mean nothing, nothing weird,

but, but I couldn't keep myself from drinking. I, I absolutely could not do it. And, and, and when I drank, man, I, I, I got to tell you, besides, you know, being drunk, I mean, I was just, I was unbelievably freaked out. It's like how, how in the hell did this happen? You know, I, I tried doing what people told me to do. You know, I've been, I've probably banked, you know, 5 or 6000 meetings.

You know, I couldn't, I couldn't call my sponsor. I couldn't call anybody before I drank. I, you know, I couldn't look at a meeting schedule and get myself to a meeting. I couldn't choose not to drink and get away with it.

And, and there I was drunk and I didn't like it. And I, I tried to get sober. I tried going back to my, my Home group and I, and I talked to my sponsor and I tried to, to get him to help me get sober and, and it didn't work. You know, I, I, I went back to my group and it's, you know, it, it's one of these groups where, where the only new people we ever saw were people that had just come out of treatment. And so they're all shiny and cleaned up and, and they're not really circling the drain

and, and, and we would just tell them to do 9090 and, and a lot of them could get away with it. And so we weren't really used to dealing with, with wet drunks and, and helping them get sober. And, and also, I think maybe some of these folks kind of, kind of saw themselves in, in me and I might have made them a little uncomfortable to, to see me drunk. And, and so they just, they just kind of avoided me like crazy.

And,

you know, I got a different sponsor and, and, and that didn't work. And

I just, I just felt like I was, I was going to die. I felt like I would never get a a again. You know, I'd always heard that, that people with a lot of time when they go back out, they, they rarely come back. And, and that have been my observation. I mean, I, I, I witnessed that first hand a a million times and I thought I was going to be one of those guys. And, and I almost, I almost gave up. In fact, I did. I mean, it's just kind of a kind of a freak thing that, that I decided to, to get some help.

I mean, my wife just cried at the right time and I decided to try to do something And, and I did. And I, I discovered some people that, that knew the big book and, and knew how to explain what the problem was to me. See, I, you know, I came into Alcoholics Anonymous thinking that that step one meant that I've got a drinking problem. And when I drink, bad stuff happens.

You know, that that wasn't too big of a, of a of a limb to go out on. I mean, you know, it's pretty obvious that the bad stuff happens when I drink.

But but you know, here I was, I, you know, I had 30 days. I go back to Austin. I start making friends and go to the meetings and dating the AA girls and getting involved in doing all this stuff. And I'm not drinking and the bad stuff not happening. And I'm thinking, you know, my problem is solved. You know, the, the message I got about the steps is you, you work the steps on things. Well, my mom died, so I'm going to work the steps on that. My girlfriend left me. I'm going to work on the steps on that. I didn't have anything to work the steps on. Nothing bad was happening,

so there's no need to resort to the steps. And, and so my, my motivation to, to, to do the steps just, it just didn't exist. You know, I, I thought that going to meetings was a good idea and then it made sense. And you know, it's fun and I could do it and, and do it perfectly. I got to do is show up on time and leave on time and you've attended a perfect meeting. And and I could I could pull that off till the end.

And so I never understood what the problem really was.

And, and because of that, the treatment never made any sense to me. And, and then I found, you know, I found these guys who, who understood the book and explained my problem to me. And in, in all these little dots that have been scattered in my head that I've always been trying to line up, start to get lined up and they start to make sense. You know, I, I used to think that the steps were all about, you know, turning me into a good boy and teaching me how to play well with others and kiss and make up with everybody and all this other crap.

And, and I'm, you know, I'm thinking, you know, I did kiss and make up with, with those that I needed to, to make my life easier. And, and I, I was a nice boy and I, I did play well with, with the people that I liked. And you know, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't need this stuff. It's just, you know, I'll, I'll dabble at it. But you know, I mean, I'm just, you know, I could take it or leave it. And in what I found out was that the steps are designed specifically to identify

and block and remove everything that's blocking me from God.

See, I didn't understand this powerlessness thing. I thought that, that when I, when I got that desired chip and I said my name is Tom and I'm an alcoholic, that I took step one. I, I thought that that was my step one experience, that I was admitting that I was powerless over alcohol and all this other stuff. When the truth was, is I had absolutely no idea what it meant to be powerless over alcohol. I just, I just went along with it. You know, everybody else is, I guess I must be too. But I didn't understand what it meant about, you know, lack of power over choice and control.

And, and, you know, for those of you who are who are checking this group out for the first time or, or new and haven't really heard about step 1:00. And basically what when we say we're powerless, we're powerless over two things,

choice and control. When I, when I drink, I cannot control how much I'm going to drink. Even when I was 10 or 11 years old, I would drink and I would drink and drink and drink and drink until I passed out or fell asleep or got arrested or you know something. And, and I, I would do this every single time. I never had a period where where I, I crossed a line into not having control of this. I'm going to just, I started off out of control and then just stayed that way my whole life. And in the in

is this alcohol when I put it in my body, it triggers a craving for more alcohol. OK, I've been to five or 6000 a a meetings. I've never heard anybody talk about that stuff. We're always talking about the cat crapping on the carpet or the the pool boy putting too much chlorine in the pool or just just crazy stuff. But there wasn't time to talk about, you know, the doctor's opinion or the steps of God are working with others. We got we got problems to work on

in the, in the powerlessness over choice. I, I really missed that whole lesson.

I really missed that lesson. But what what the what the literature tells me and what the experience of the first hundred members of A A shows me that they documented in in the basic text of our of our fellowship is that I cannot choose not to drink. No matter how bad I need to not be drinking, no matter how bad I want to not drink, no matter how bad people are begging me not to drink, no matter

if if I'm going to die with my next drink. I cannot keep myself from that first drink. I cannot do it for any length of time.

Some people can go a week or a month. Some people go a few months. I, I can go 18 hours and, and, and that's about as, as good as it gets before, before the, the memory and, and all, the, all the, the shame and all that stuff of, of, of what happened the day before lose its impact on me, You know, I mean, you guys know what I'm talking about. It's just that I, I can't remember any of the stuff with, with enough force like that day that I got drunk with 17 years. You know, why the hell is it that some guy

17 years, who's used to not drinking, who doesn't have any drinking bodies, who's, who's successful in business, great wife, great kid, doesn't want to drink in the 1st place, Why in the hell would he drink it? It doesn't make sense. And, and, and the truth was, is because I thought that I could choose not to drink. I thought by by listening to, to my friends in the meetings that, that, that I could think through the drink, that I could think about the consequences and not drink. Let's, let's think about that for a minute. If, if I can, if I can keep myself sober,

if I can, if I can think through the drink and, and rely on all the bad stuff that happened in the memory of that stuff to keep him from picking up. Am I powerless over alcohol? No, if, if I can keep myself sober, I still have power over alcohol. I can't take step one. If I can't take step one, I don't belong in Alcoholics Anonymous. The truth was that I had no clue that that when that time came, you know, and I didn't know when it was going to come, I wouldn't be able to choose not to do it. And, and that's why this thing is so deadly.

That's why, that's why we die of this stuff. And there's the graveyards are full of people who, who were taught by, by people in a, a that they could think through the drink or that they should think through the drink. And then when the time came, they tried it and it didn't work. Graveyards are full of those people. And, and it's, you know, it just, it just breaks my heart to think about that and to think about all the people that I've given instructions to, to, to go to 9090 and, and think through the drink and all this other stuff.

You know, we were just, we were just passing on some, some bogus, bogus information

about, about what this program is all about. And, you know, but, but once I understood that, that, that lack of power is my problem, the, the, the solution made sense. God is the solution. If I don't have power, I need power. And, and the only power that that's ever going to work for me is a power greater than me, because I don't have power that's great enough to, to overcome this alcoholism.

Well, when, when you put it like that, I'm, I'm interested in how the solution works.

You know, how do I get to God? You know, I, I grew up in Chicago and, and I know some of you ever heard me say this, but we didn't have God in Chicago.

Yeah,

and I, I was here, I am sitting in, in these meetings with you Texas people and, you know, there's a church on every corner and, and, and everybody's been going to church and doing all sorts of stuff. And you guys already have some kind of belief or some experience. And I'm just, I'm just inexperienced in this, in this God stuff. And, and I would listen to you guys and, and I think, man, this is not for me. I'm not going to get this thing

and and I was right. I, I wasn't getting it.

I was, I was getting some pretty, pretty weird advice about how to, how to connect with God and, and I, and I tried it and it wasn't working, but I just, I just didn't understand this, this whole thing. You know, why, why is God the solution? And, and you know, when 1 understood what the problem was, God made sense of solution. And in, in what I learned was the other steps are designed to, to unblock us from God from, from that, that source that's, that's always been there in the first place.

I just happen to be blocked. And, and so it's pretty easy for, for my sponsor now to, to get me to take these steps. And you know, it, it, it's kind of, kind of interesting. I'd heard about this group several years before I ever went back out. And I knew a guy that was coming here and he knew what I was about and he knew that I would love it here because

I tended to be somewhat vocal about the meetings I was sitting in. And, and so did he. And so we just kind of made friends and, and he's like, dude, you've got to check out this meeting.

I was like, what's it called? It's the primary purpose. So why

let's, I mean, does it get better than this? He says. Well, all they do is they study the big book and they're sponsoring people and, and they're and they're taking meetings to other places and, and, and you can't talk about yourself in the meeting.

I was like, dude, I I love it. Where is it Midway and royal? Oh God, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in, I'm in Plano.

You know, I, I would have to pass like 10 groups to get to it

as I'll tell you what man, I'll check it out sometime. I'll give you a call and then we'll go together. And of course I never, never made that call. And I can't tell you what would have happened had I come. I I think I probably would have fit in pretty well and, and, and and and throwing myself into it, but

it wasn't until I drank again that that I learned about this group. And I called that same guy and I said, hey, are you going to that primary purpose group still? He says, yeah, I said, who's your sponsor?

I wouldn't let this guy sponsor me. I mean, I watched him get sober and he was an idiot.

He said, well, this, this this guy named Myers Ramer. And I said, is is he pretty good? He's like, yeah. I said, well, cool, I'm going to ask him to sponsor me. And so I came up, it was a Tuesday night, and Myers was chairing the meeting. And, you know, he got everybody to stand up that was able to sponsor and he didn't stand up.

It's like this. This is not how I planned it.

And I went up to him after the meeting. I was like, hey man, I had 17 years and, and I went back out and and I need help. I noticed you didn't stand up. Can you make an exception? He's like, well, of course. And we went back in that room back there after the meeting and we did the first three steps and he gave me instructions on doing my 4th step. And he gave me about, you know, a day or two to do it. And, and I did it in a day or two.

And, you know, within within two weeks, I think it was like maybe 11 or 12 days, I'd gotten through the steps. And then we had that talk is like, I'm not going to let you just sit in these meetings and hang out. You need to start working with other people. I was like, dude, I mean, you know, I'm just, my, my head is still messed up. I got out, I got AI, got AI, got to relax and get my bearings. He's like you don't have time to relax,

you need to find something to work with. And I believe them. And then I have 3 weeks when I got my first guy to work with and I did step work with that guy and he stayed around for a little while

and then decided that being sober wasn't for him, which I completely understand. And, but, but that was, that was the beginning of, of all the cool stuff to come. And I started going down to Salvation Army and, you know, taking two or three guys a night through, through step work down there. And, and we were just kicking butt and taking names and just having the greatest time of our lives. And, and as it is time wore on, I never quit doing this stuff. And, and I got more into prayer and meditation

and I, and I got, got more into doing 10 step work. And, and I realized that that that step 10 was, was going to be the thing that kept me alive. You know, it's the thing that, that most people, even people that go to PPG, we're, we're not just because you're a member of PG or you attend this group that doesn't give you anything extra. There's, there's no, there's no extra insulation. We've still got to do this work. And, and I guarantee you that the people that do go back out probably haven't been doing 10 step work. And so

I pay real close attention to that and I, I # the table on that stuff with the guys that I work with because, because I know, because I, I just know, I know how I get when, when I'm left unattended for a day or two and, and, and, and my mind starts working and, and everybody starts messing up and, and I've got to judge everybody and all that stuff. I, I know what this stuff does. And so I'm, I'm pretty emphatic about it. And you know, I mean, the guys that I sponsor will, will certainly attest to that. But but we're staying sober

and they're doing the work and I'm doing the work. And I hope that continues.

You know, I got into, got into prayer and meditation and I, you know, for 17 years, even the day I drank, I said the third step prayer didn't really know what it meant, had it memorized and had a friend of mine tell me that he'd never seen anybody drink that that said the third step for her that day,

because I, I can do that. So that was, that was my prayer life and it was usually in the car and

I just, that's just what I did. And, and what I learned is, is

I'm not gonna ask you to show any hands, but if, if you're not meditating, you're missing a huge piece of this puzzle. You're, you're missing a, a huge part of this deal. You know, God loves to hear from us. You know, he thinks it's cute when I say, hey, God, it's me. You know,

lottery Tom,

but but he really digs it when I shut up and he gets to do some talking and that's what the meditation's for.

That's where I get quiet and I empty my head of all these thoughts that I'm capable of having. And, and I, I allow myself to, to, to take in whatever he's going to put in there. And I don't, I don't see any flashes out of burning bushes. I don't hear any voices. It, it just, it just what just happened to, is that, you know, sometime I'll run into a situation and like the book promises, instead of being baffled about it, I'll, I'll have this intuitive thought

or I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll face a dilemma.

And, and there will be a struggle between my will, which, which is going to be more fun and in God's will, which is going to get me what I want later.

And, and, and that, that intuitive thought, that gut feeling, that instinct tells me to, to follow this path. And, and when I do, it's always good. And when I follow mine, 90% of the time it's, it's not that great. And, and I, you know, I've started to trust it and I started to listen to it and I've started to take it seriously.

And, and I just, I can't emphasize that enough. You know, back in the, back in the 30s and 40s when, when a A was just at the top of its game, these guys were huge into meditation. It was a big thing back then. And it's kind of flip flop now. You know, where, where, you know, you can, you can wander into any, any, you know, a, a group here in Dallas or LA or Chicago or anywhere and ask people to raise their hands that day that meditated. And you're not going to see a whole lot of hands. You'll see a couple liars, a couple people that did it

and, and, and not everybody else. And so it's this stuff is, is, is real, real, real important. You know, you can take that to the bank. And then I got into sponsorship and, and that changed everything for me. I had, I had sponsored people.

I don't, I don't feel like I killed this guy, but, but, but there was a guy who who who came to me, an old friend of mine wanted some help. I had about five years and we had worked together and at the state hospital and those are close corners and it was pretty dangerous. And you become really tight with the people you work with.

And he called me up asking for help. And I was like, come on, man, let's go to a meeting. And he went to the meeting was just just disgusted with, with what he heard. It was just a big turn off for him. We saw everybody's a bunch of babies and whiners and just bitching and moaning about stupid stuff. And on the on the way home, he, he was just griping at me. And I was like, buddy, you know, these people you're criticizing are the people that are going to save your life.

You know, that's this is all, all we got to offer. You know, I need to go to some more meetings,

to some more meetings. And you went to some more meetings and was the same thing just as just as this arguing and complaining out of them. And it, it would get a little bit more heated and he'd get a little bit more passionate about about how much he didn't like it and, and wanted something else. And I didn't have anything else to offer this guy. All I had was, you know, go to meetings and call me if you feel like drinking. And then he, he wrote a suicide note and

he killed himself. You know, he told his mom to, to, to thank me for, for everything I did for him,

you know, a few other things. And, and, and he killed himself because, you know, I didn't have, I didn't have the instructions for him to get sober. He walked into our meetings and all he heard was people complaining about their lives. You know, all he wanted was, was to stay sober. And, and, and, and he wasn't hearing the solution. And that it just, it breaks my heart to think about that. But that was, that was my sponsorship experience with new people. So pretty much from then on, the guys that I sponsored were all people that