At the 65th Superior Roundup in Superior, WI

Hi, my name is Barton, I'm recovered alcoholic.

My sober date is June 12, 1995. By the grace of God willing to do his work and an amazing design for living. That's why I'm sober and failure of my right mind tonight.

I always introduce myself as a recovered alcoholic and I do that for two main important reasons. I know my accents from New York, so if you get confused

back in New York and now living in Arizona, people don't quite understand when you say you're recovered. And I don't do it to be controversial. There's people here that are new, and when I got here I wanted some hope.

It's very important to

to give hope and Alcoholics Anonymous, That's the reason that we stay here is the reason that we come here,

share our experience, strength and hope. To say that I'm in recovery would say I'm still in pain and I'm still trying to get over something. We're not cured of alcoholism, but I do not suffer any longer from the trying to detox from alcohol. I don't suffer from the mental obsession for alcohol. So therefore I recovered. The other reason

I do it for you and for myself. I came into Alcoholics Anonymous 1987 and I hear it, read it pretty much every meeting I go to. And that is those who do not recover or people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program.

And from 87 to 95, I wouldn't. So I couldn't. Finally in 95, I was willing to do absolutely anything. And all I was asked to do when you'll hear it in my story, is this way of life. And as a result, they recovered from alcoholism. There's a lot of things that that that are in that how it works that I didn't pay attention to. I heard very often you just don't want it.

I was. I was a chronic relapse where I come back and people would say you just don't want it.

And I never asked, what is it?

It's a fairly simple question. If I asked it, it's very good possibility somebody would have said, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we don't drink. Alcohol is anonymous, doesn't offer sobriety. It offers a way of life that gives us a spiritual awakening. If it's some strange reason as a result of that, we just don't pick up a drink. We have that daily reprieve based on the way we're living through those 12 steps, 12 traditions and 12 concepts.

I don't question why. I just know that I stopped trying to not drink and live this way and I don't drink.

There's also we read at it half measures availice nothing and I wouldn't even do 1/4 and I would wonder why I couldn't stay sober.

There's a lot of stuff in that how it works. And I have to say from 87 to 95, I probably didn't. And and most people who are honest, you're talking to your friend next to you or you're thinking about what you're going to do after the meeting. You don't listen to we don't listen to when it's read how it works. And it's an extremely important piece of literature that's read for a reason at every single one of our meetings.

I guess probably think of a whole lot of things that are in that,

but we don't pay attention to, you know, we have to be careful what we say in Alcoholics and others. Because I know I started getting confused every once in a while when I would wake up a little bit and actually want to not drink anymore and I would hear the same person come up to the podium and say half measures of value. Nothing. Stick to the first three steps. Well, I don't have much education, but the first three steps is 1/4 and half gets you nothing. So what is the 1st 3 going to get you?

I'll tell you a little bit about myself. My personality is to be extremely shy. And I had no idea when I, when I, when I, when I turned my will in my life over to the care of God. You know, there's not a whole lot of people in Alcoholics Anonymous or a whole lot of people in the world that are willing to do that, to really make a decision to do God's will, to show God's way of life, to show God's power, to show God's life. And when you decide to do that, he keeps you really busy. And I'm a really shy person. And this is where I end up

speaking in front of a bunch of people in a state where I know absolutely nobody. And that's not what I want to be doing, but that's God's will. And I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic. I wasn't that grateful when I woke up at 2:30 in the morning to catch a plane to get here, but that lasted about 30 seconds. And then I was thanking God that somebody actually wants me, that people want me to come to another state. They didn't even want me in my own state. So

there are a lot of miracles, a lot of things that happened from being shy. When I first got to Alcoholics Anonymous,

from 87 to 95 people used to offer me $20 just to raise my hand and say my name,

and I couldn't do it. There's a lot of meetings in AA today in New York that would give me 100 bucks to shut up and I can't do it. So

but, but I, but I grew up in a neighborhood where it was tall apartment buildings and I would look out the window, probably 9-10 years old, look out the window and see the older guys passing the bottle around laughing and having a whole lot of fun. And those were my heroes. I couldn't wait to be just like them, to hang out with them.

And it wasn't long before I started going outside and hanging out with the older guys and drinking and having fun, getting sick, getting made fun of. And I was a little punk drinking with the old guys and they would tease me. Then I then I went into fifth grade and they let us out for lunchtime and the teacher would say do not go on that side of the schoolyard. Stay away from those people.

So where was I at lunchtime? On that side of the schoolyard with those people.

And I wouldn't make it back to school after lunch. And of course, you know, that was later in into the 5th grade. So it didn't, it wasn't really too long, but my grades dropped immediately and started getting into trouble. And graduation came from 5th grade. And they decided that they weren't going to promote me into the 5th into the 6th grade. They had a meeting with my parents and they decided that my parents were moving

and they give me another chance, so they were going to promote me into the 6th grade.

So we moved that summer

and I spent every day of that summer riding my bicycle from the old neighborhood to the new neighborhood and drinking with the older guys and just learning how to drink better and, you know, not sleeping over their houses and not making it back home. And my parents were going through some hard times, so they didn't really discipline of, you know, not coming back to the new neighborhood. But the summer passed, and the first day of school came,

and I was scared to death. You know, I spent no time that summer meeting any of the kids in the neighborhood, in the new neighborhood. So I was going into a school where I knew absolutely nobody, and my parents had a clot. There was a closet at the front door, and there was some bottles of liquor at the front door. And so I went to that closet and I drank a little of one of the bottles. And I got that sense of ease and comfort that we're familiar with. And off to school I went, and I made it through the first day.

It works so well. The second day I didn't have so much fear because I knew I'd just go to the closet, drink some alcohol, get a little buzz and go off to school. And it continued to work, and it continued to realize that this is the way I can get through school by just drinking every day. And eventually I found people who would buy liquor for me. I started getting caught in school for drinking

who find it in my locker, they'd smell it on my breath or I'd come to school really drunk and get into trouble. And there was a woman who came from a another school called Project 25. It was a drug and alcohol program. And I was mandated to see her every once a week. I think it was Wednesdays, but whatever it was once a week. I had to go see this woman and she had a large impact on my on my life. I mean, I still remember her name from 6th grade. This woman's name was Josie. And

it was the 2nd threat for my drinking and I love drinking, but this was the 2nd threat. The first one was I almost got left back. And now I'm being told that if I continue to drink in school, if I continue to get in trouble in school, I'm going to become a full time student at Project 25, that I'm no longer going to be allowed to go to this school. And you know, it's very difficult for me to meet friends. So I, there was no way I wanted to get removed from school and start all over again and meet people in a new school. So

I didn't want to quit drinking either. So I ended up as a full time student in project 25.

Well, Project 25 did was I was getting worse, not because of project 25, but my alcoholism was progressing and my parents were getting more educated on how to handle an alcoholic. I was starting to get extremely violent. I had a sister who died very young and I loved my parents. I mean they, they tried to do the best that they could. My my parents had separated. My mother was 120 lbs soaking wet. She would stand at the front door begging and crying. Please, I don't want to lose another

child. You know when it talks about frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices. The first thought that comes to my head is my mother standing there 120 lbs soaking wet, crying. I don't want to lose another child. Please don't go out that door. And I would physically pick her up, throw away from the door and go out and drink for days at a time. Come home,

either a bloody mess, somebody would find me on the street and drag me home, or she'd get a call from the precinct that I'd been arrested. So it's not what I wanted to do with my parents.

I hated my parents. I hated my parents. You know, at this point, as it's progressing because the project 25, what it did was it educated them to not put up with my stuff that if I got arrested, let me go off the spot. Let me go off to this, you know, wherever they're going to lock me up. And they locked me up in some horrible places. And you know, I was my parents fault because my my mother would say,

you know, I don't want to, but lock him up. He's an animal. I can't handle him. Because if I did come home and she tried to confront my drinking, then dresses would fall over and chairs would go flying. And I don't have a problem. Back off of me, leave me alone, you know, and and she couldn't handle that. But I hated her for saying lock them, lock them up. And my father would come over and he would say, there's nothing I could do. Your mother has custody. So that was his out.

So I started to become a real

part of the system, what they call a pins petition person in need of supervision. And judges were starting to tell me where I was going to live rather than the nice home that my parents provided. And I remember I would, I would go into shelters in Brooklyn, NY and they, they, I would sneak out and drink night train with the bums on the corner and then climb back into the windows of the shelter And they'd catch me And they try to put me on clothes restrictions where they take my clothes away. And I would run out the door and I call my father and say, don't worry, I'm going to show up

court. But I'm not staying in that place with those people, you know, in pajamas or whatever.

I went to any length to drink. I loved what alcohol did to me. It was in and out of institutions, one after the other, just because of my drinking. Every institution that I went to told me bought if you just didn't drink, you'd be OK. And that was the last thing I heard out of any of the therapists or counselors mouths from the time that my parents were sending me to therapy to the times I was being locked up

and given therapy. Because I knew that it was once I picked up a drink that I felt OK. It had nothing to do with. If I didn't drink, I'd be OK. What they had to tell me had absolutely no depth and weight. I shut down immediately. They have no idea what they're talking about.

19, sometime in 1970, seven, 1978, I was sent upstate to Hawthorne, New York. And this was going to be for 18 months. And while I was there, I started to reflect that I have had absolutely no childhood, that all of my childhood has been so far locked up in institutions.

I'm missing all the things that my friends are doing. I'm missing my birthdays, I'm missing the holidays. And I started to get really depressed about where my life has gone.

So I made myself a promise that when I got out of this place after 18 months, I'm not going to drink the way I was drinking. So in my head I began to know that alcohol may be a problem and I need not to drink the way I was drinking. So I came home from Hawthorne and the first day of school started high school, where I was brought into the Dean's office day #1

and the Dean took out my records and he started looking at them and he said, you know,

but we don't want your trouble in this school. We have your records, We're going to be watching you, and if you get any trouble in this school, you're out. Fair enough. I'm not going to be a St. So I got up and I said good to see you. And I walked out and I went home and I explained to my mother what had happened and I said, I really don't want to go to school anymore. What do you think? I call my father and ask him if I can come work for him. He was a fairly successful businessman.

She said, call your father, see what he says. So so I called my father up and, and I explained the story to him and I said, you know, I really, really want to come work for you. I gave him the whole sad story that I had had had no education since 5th grade. I'm not going to do well in school anyway. You know, they're not giving me half a chance. So he he said he would talk to his partner and, you know, he got back to me and he said, you got it.

It was a cold October morning, the week of the week of my birthday. And I woke up that morning feeling like I had arrived. I mean, like I'm going to be a working man. I'm changing my life around, you know, having a birthday and, and, and look what I'm doing today, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to be working, you know, no more school and I'm really going to change my life. And I was standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus so I can go to work for the first day.

And a buddy of mine came over and he gave me a little birthday present. He gave me a small bottle of Jack Daniels. And I loved old number 7. And I put it into my coat and I said this weekend I'm going to celebrate my birthday. And then I'm a working man started to get a little cold. And you guys are familiar with cold and

swig of old #7 will warm me up. So that's what I did. And I'm sitting on the bus and I'm starting to get a little nervous about the first day of work. Well, I know how to calm my nerves. And I polished off that bottle of Jack Daniels. I was pretty buzzed and I walked into work for the first day and made a complete ass of myself

and of my father and that wasn't my intention. I woke up that morning

to make my family proud and to do the right thing. That's alcoholism. I know with today I didn't know within they talk about an AAI hear people talk about crossing the invisible line. I don't know if I ever crossed an invisible line. I drank alcoholically from day number one. But I do know that if I think back, that was the first time that I had no choice whether I drank or not, that I couldn't reason my way through not drinking.

I had great reason not to drink that Jack Daniels, and I drank it anyway. And there were consequences to be paid. And that continued for years and the consequences continued to get worse and the struggles not to drink got worse.

I stayed working for him on and off and, and, and I put the company through hell. Being it was a family business. They moved me around a lot, from stores to wholesale places to

putting me on the night shift. And you know, my dad did the best he could to try and get me to straighten out. I would ask if I can go away. You know, I would have time off to go away to a rehab and you know, I get the time off and I wouldn't go to rehab. It was just free time to go drink more

19,

you know, bad with years. But at some point I decided that

I need to change my life again. And I was in California and just on vacation and I met a wonderful woman who was a detox nurse. And I decided, well, I'll marry this detox nurse. That'll sober me up.

She was 10 years older than me and had a son nine years younger than me, and she was a detox nurse. And how could a drunk go wrong? You know, that wants to get sober, You know, family, automatic family and detox. Perfect.

Didn't work,

came back to Queens. We rented a house and

it wasn't a good scene.

She would get mad at herself because I couldn't get sober.

I I met all of her friends moved into her neighborhood with with drinking the bar that with all her friends hung out and her ex-husband. She would try to walk into the bar and as soon as the door opened I saw her and said get the hell out of here. It was it was bad if she was sitting in this room today. She's one of the people who I am aware of who I have not gotten to make any more amends other than through her son who I got to make an amends to. And it was very clear Mom said just stay the hell out of my life.

But if she was sitting in this room today, I wouldn't recognize her because I was just drunk all the time. I have no idea what she would look like. A

When I was hanging out in a house with

all of her friends and there were four brothers that owned the house.

Two of them have passed on from alcoholism and they were all like brothers to me. One of them is still been away for 20 years and the other one who was sober for 10 years but would not give his life his way all way of life and I don't know where he is unfortunately. My daughter calls him Uncle Joe and we pray for him but nothing good went on in that house. We all own motorcycles and none of them ever left the garage.

All we did was

drank.

But one morning, Warren, the oldest of the brothers, was showing up with new friends. And he was going into the garage and he was getting on his bike and taking off. And, you know, I'd see him all the time, just not even saying hello. We're just waving everybody and going in and taking off with these new friends. One morning I called him and I said, one way, you've been going. He said I couldn't drink anymore. And, you know, his health was really going. And I went to I'm going a a. That's nice.

I didn't want to hear about that. You know, people had suggested a, A to me when I, you know, I would check myself in on a regular basis prior to this occasionally to like, you know, outpatient programs and,

you know, little treatments. And, you know, in New York they had a lot of sliding scale and I wasn't making any money most of the time. So they would want 5 bucks from me and I would stumble into these therapy appointments, you know, for alcohol counseling and say I have no money. And they would always say, you know what,

it's been two months, you haven't paid us a penny and you stumble in here every day. So obviously you've got money. And they would throw me out. So they would say just go to a A and I would read the literature of a A and I would see this God stuff on an A A and this these things they were asking to do on how it works. Not for me. So I wouldn't go. So when Warren said that it's all I said was not for me. That's nice.

Every once in a while, I would talk to Warren. And one morning I woke up in complete despair and I called Warren. I said, all right, Warren, I'm ready to go to one of those a, a meetings with you. And he said, I got to work tonight, but there's a meeting at the school in Jackson Heights. Go there. People will recognize you as new. They'll be real friendly. And just if you really want to get sober, go to that meeting. So I spent that day

struggling and suffering and pacing and trying to decide am I really going to go to the say a meeting? I got there couple hours early because I didn't know what to do with myself.

And I showed up and I walked around the school for a while looking to see how to get into the school for the meeting. And the guy came over and he tapped me on the shoulder and he said are you looking for the a meeting? And I said yes. And he said come with me, I'm setting up. Bless you. And

it's funny, in Arizona, nobody says that. And they look at me like I have two heads. So now when I hear it, I have to say it.

So I went into the meeting to set it up with him. And I walked in and and I was watching him put the shades up and, you know, the chairs and put pamphlets out. And I'm just watching him. And he's, you know, being real busy. And he walks over with his little blue card and he says, would you like to read this? And I said, sure. And now other people are starting to walk into the meeting. So all I did was kept reading that blue card because I didn't want to look at anybody.

So I was really glad that he gave me that blue card until the meeting opened up

and then he said to read the blue card we have bought and

my heart jumped out of my toes. I spent what felt like 5 hours but I can guarantee was no more than 5 minutes figuring out how the hell am I getting at this meeting where nobody will see me and I'll never come back again. Because if that's what you have to do is read shit out loud in an A a meeting, it ain't for me.

I walked out of the meeting, snuck out of the meeting,

got lost in the school, started getting really full of fear, figured I'm going to jail tonight. I was a mess

trespassing. I'm not in that a a meeting. They'll never believe that.

Found my way back to the meeting, leaned outside the classroom at the meeting was in and figured when everybody leaves the meeting I'll just follow them out the door and go drink myself to death.

Well, the meeting ended and you guys walked out at a meeting and instantly surrounded me.

And I don't know if you could do it here, but in the meetings in New York, right after the meeting, everybody goes to the diner. And they told me I was going to the diner with them and I had 1000 reasons that I couldn't go to the diner and you wouldn't take one of them.

So I ended back at the diner and, you know, feeling all alone with a bunch of people, you know, I didn't have to socialize and

began my somewhat of a journey in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Met a lot of really good friends.

They suggested that I do some stuff with this program. They suggested that I practice some traditions like clean we can smoke in the meetings back then and clean the ashtrays. And I was like, why? Just flick it in the street or hang on to it? What do you got to clean them for? Just don't dirty them.

Well, why don't you make coffee? I don't drink coffee.

I didn't drink coffee when I was drinking. I'm not going to drink it now, So what am I going to make it for?

Set up chairs? Well, why doesn't everybody just grab one on the way in?

The guy had all the answers, so I couldn't practice the traditions

until I was able to live the steps because my thinking was extremely warped,

you know. Then I started to really get sick and tired of hearing your problems. So I would just hang outside the meetings and I would grab, hey, why don't you hang out in the meeting with this bullshit? And I find always find somebody to hang outside me how to get there on time. But I wasn't going downstairs to the meeting.

People started to say, well, why don't you, why don't you come into some of the meetings? My problems are none of their business and I really could care less about this. So I stopped going into the meetings. It was the attitude I had and I can't imagine why I kept sneaking and drinking and and I couldn't really stay sober and and I couldn't get along with people and like life was just horrible. But

in the midst of of having some of this dry time,

I met a woman who was my bomb aid when I was drinking.

But now we got into a relationship because I wasn't drinking because her sister who was in a A told her it would be a good idea. And we ended up getting married,

got some decent jobs, some really decent jobs, just not drinking.

Was buying some nice cars,

bought a house.

My wife and my daughter went to Florida and I was miserable. I mean, all these great things are happening in my life and I was absolutely miserable. And they went to Florida and they came home and when they walked in the door, I had this brainstorm that I don't want to be married anymore. And I looked there and I said I'm leaving. She said what? I said I'm leaving

and now remember we were renting a an apartment and just sign the papers.

Bought a house. Well what about the house we bought? Well, you and Ricky go live in it and but I'm out of here.

So I went on a little dry drunk and then of course, eventually I went on to Mediterranean. Anything that was good, I just pushed out of my life. I didn't have to handle it

so I could drink again.

So that's what I did

the end of 94 sometime. I went on that Med, I went on a Med tear and

was in a neighborhood one night that I absolutely had no business being in

and I was fighting with some people that had no business fighting with. And I was lucky they didn't cut me up and put me in a dumpster. And

in that rage of anger that them not doing what I wanted them to do, I ended up back in a meeting with you guys. And today I know how I got there. But that night I was in a complete fog. How did I get back into to say a meeting? And it was probably the only a meeting in Queens, NY that I didn't know anybody. And that's where I ended up. And it was called the Utopia Young People's Group. And there was a bunch of young people in that meeting that were loving life.

And Friday nights they were going out to the city and they were going to clubs and listening to music. And

during the years prior to that, when I wasn't drinking, I couldn't, I loved music. I mean, I love music. I've been restored to sanity. You won't see me to dance tonight because I know I can't dance. But but I love to listen to music. You know, my foot taps and that means I'm having a grand old time. But that's, that's the most you're getting out of me. And it's not because of any reason other than I know I can't dance.

So anyway, they would go to these clubs and

I would get real uncomfortable because I couldn't beat around alcohol and not want to drink

and I wasn't understanding how they were doing it. And of course, my alcoholic mind told me, well, they're just not alcoholic like I am, so that's why they can go to the bars.

One night, one of them was celebrating their anniversary, and his sponsor was speaking for him. And his sponsor was absolutely hysterical. His sponsor stood at the podium and he would lay on the floor and start stretching his hand up like the animate dialing 911 when he was like in blackouts and

just like really had me hysterically. I thought this was the greatest guy in the world. And then he started talking about being recovered, being happy, joyous and free going or any other human can go without danger,

not seeing alcohol, just just all these things that were in my perception, absolute lies. And I turned around to Audie and I said, audio, that's your sponsor. That's speaking for you tonight, right? And he said, yeah,

I said, I think tonight you should find a new one. And he said, why? And I said, I'm going to kill him. And I meant it. He had absolutely no right to sit there and say that you could be that happy, joyous and free without alcohol

and it was really pissing me off. So Audie looked at me with a big grin on his face and he said thought I'm sure he would love to talk to you.

So after the meeting, they spoke

and already called me up that night and he said tomorrow, you know where Eric Store is. And I said, yeah, he said tomorrow he said that you should come to the store and go there and talk to him. I said, you got it. I'm going to go talk to him. All right,

so I went there to kill him and

he was standing in front of the store on Jamaica Ave. and he saw me coming and he walked into the store and he went behind the counter because he knew I was coming to kill him.

And he stood there and he talked for about two hours about his drinking, and I listened.

That's where the war stories are told. He sat there and he put himself in my place. He told me all about his drinking for two hours.

And after about two hours of me going, yeah, I've done that. And you know, my ego telling him some of the shit I did. And at some point, for some reason, I said to him, you know, I came here to kill you because last night you were bullshitting us.

Tell me more about that. What do I have to do

to live the way you say you're living? And he went. Man, I'm glad you finally asked. He was getting tired of telling all these war stories,

but that's what we do. The desire has to come from us. So we finally asked. I finally asked and he said, all you have to do is follow the 1st 164 pages of our big book, our basic text, and you can recover.

And I looked at them in despair and I said, Eric, I have never read one book in my entire life. I heard that that book is really boring and difficult to read, so I'm not starting with that one. Thanks anyway. And I started to leave and he ran around from behind the counter because he knew he had me now. And he grabbed me at the shoulder and he said, not so fast. I'll tell you what, we'll read that book together.

We'll talk about it. Anything you identify too that's in that book, why don't you let me know about it?

The only stupid question is the one that you don't ask. At some point in the book, we're going to get to a way of life that you have absolutely no idea about. You're not going to identify to but ask questions and be willing to practice it for the rest of your life.

Fair enough. What do I got to lose?

He opened up the book and he talked about the first page being the first promise of how it's a story of how 100 men have recovered. And that gave me a little more hope.

Started to explain the doctor's opinion.

People always told me just don't pick up the first drink and you won't get drunk.

I don't have much education, but I know you can't skip right to the second. Thanks. You know, that's just like this trick you've given us.

I started to understand what it really meant in the doctor's opinion, extremely useful information, because it made sense through all of my drinking, how many times I promised myself or family members or girlfriends or wives that I'm not going to drink excessively, I'm just going to drink a little bit.

And it didn't work. It made sense and I had a lot of hope.

We continue to read that book.

We started to read There is a solution.

We started to read more about alcoholism,

and there I lost all hope. It explained the alcoholic mind. It explained the inability to reason

while why from the first day of work all through my life, from that point on, I always had a lot of good reasons and a lot of things to lose. If I picked up a drink and I did it anyway, I woke up thousands and thousands of mornings and said I am not going to drink today no matter what. If you hooked me up to a lie detector test, I absolutely meant it. I am not going to drink today no matter what.

And I got drunk

and more about alcoholism explains that That is the alcoholic mind and I have that that I can't playback the old tapes. My tape lies to me or it's all muffled. I can't hear it correctly. It tells me it won't be that bad this time. Or more insanely, based on what happens to me when I drink. I don't care what's going to happen when I drink.

Either one of those thoughts are complete insanity. And when it comes to alcohol,

that's the best I can do even today. Today I cannot choose whether I drink or not. I cannot fool myself and say, you know what? I'm just not going to drink for now on because I choose not to. June 12th, I'll have 15 years and I know I still can't just choose not to drink, that I have to do something. And as a result of that, I just won't drink.

I don't know why.

I don't care why. I drank because I like the results produced by it. I live this way because I like the results produced by it. I just don't drink. Who wants anything more than that?

If we got to that second step

and I had a problem with it, I had a problem with if I couldn't see it, if I couldn't smell it, if I couldn't taste it, if I couldn't feel it, if I couldn't experience it with any of our senses, it wasn't so. And you've got my personality by now. I argue with everything. So I was winning that one, hand over fist. There is no God,

but he started to show me how Audie had recovered, and I knew Audie pretty well and he started to show me how he recovered.

And he said it's just because we came to believe in a power greater than ourselves.

Slowly, we just came to believe in it.

Fair enough. I believe you believe.

Are you willing to turn your will in your life over to the care of that God?

What God?

The one that you might believe in.

All right,

if it works, are you willing to spend the rest of your life bearing witness for that God to show other people God's love, God's power, and God's way of life? You bet your ass of that thing that doesn't exist works. I'll show everybody.

That was my third step decision

says the wording is quite optional.

That's where I started. God as I believe, God as I understand him and I don't. But if this imaginary thing works, I'll show with the world.

He asked me what I thought love might be. I mean what I thought God might be and I said love.

He said, well, you love your wife and your daughter and you left them. You're letting some girl in AA13 step you in. You're living with this little Brazilian girl that and you say you love them all.

Let's leave love alone.

Fair enough.

We made that decision and he made it. He reaffirmed his third step decision with me

and he handed me a pen and paper

and he said write everybody down. That pisses you off. Anybody that you don't like? Any places you don't like?

Any principles? What are principles? Ideas,

I said.

Do you think we'll both live that long?

He said. Just write everything that comes down.

So I sat there and I wrote a bunch down and he said, you know what? Go home and see if anymore comes to you. And I spent this short, maybe about a week. Write it all down.

Why? How it affects me? He started to teach me

what it effects might look like.

Then he told me, all right, well, now you wrote all of that put out of your mind completely

the people that you're pissed off at and what they did, and look at what you're left with. I was left with a mess. Where are you to blame in that mess that you're living with?

That was my spirituality. Then he showed me how to do the fear inventory. To boil down how my whole entire life was completely run by fear.

Me afraid of anything. That was a long conversation before I was willing to write down a fear of inventory. And even today, as I write inventories, it's always my biggest inventory,

sex inventory. Write down everybody that you were in a relationship with that was selfish.

Where you cause jealousy, a list of suspicion, a list of wrote all this stuff like chicken scratch but I wrote it. I can't write, but I got it all down on paper. Neatness didn't count. It's not homework, just do it. Shared it all with him.

Was absolutely willing to have God remove all of this

because I don't want to drink anymore. There was a lot of things there that were fun, but I understood that they were causing me to drink. Nothing at that point was worth that.

But how am I going to work on all this? You're not. You're just going to be willing for God to remove what he wants to and keep what he wants to. That was fair enough. I was hoping he was keeping some really cool shit,

but I couldn't use it as an excuse and I still can't today.

I am willing for God to remove anything that stands in the way of my youthfulness to Him

and you. That's important because it's the only way I'm going to stay sober, and that's really important.