The Pacoima group of Alcoholics Anonymous in Pacoima, CA

Alexander, I'm an alcoholic.

Hey, Audrey, thank you very much. That was really good. I really appreciate you telling the truth. I heard one cuss word when I was in the bathroom. Well,

that little girl you. I want to thank my friends for coming too. A lot of my friends are here for my Home group. My sobriety birthday is May the 29th 1991 and my sponsor is Jimmy Moss and I am a member of the No Nonsense group. Our Home group meets on Sunday nights at 6:30 and Hermosa. Excuse me

and Redondo Beach, which is it's kind of like saying Watts Compton.

Are you confused? I'm from a close knit community originally. I'm from the project. So, you know,

everybody wants their city to be, you know, recognized and we and we meet over there and we come here. We come here often as often as we can. We're very busy as a group and and my life individually is a person is very busy, but it would be absolutely monkey business if I couldn't make it over here. And we come over here and we love this group. I mean, if you're new

to Pacoima and you're coming here regularly and, and you don't see the,

the, I don't want to call it magic because magic is an illusion,

but the miracle of recovery just just flows out of this place. And, and we love it. And we, and we try to emulate some of the customs that you guys here have here in our group. We come here and we learn from you people and we respect Pacoima a great deal. I grew up in Watts.

I am from what?

I mean that sound like I'm from Watts, but I am. I am from Watts. I went to school in the San Fernando Valley for six years. That explains the proper diction. But I really AM

people. They're going to show my wife's ID card or something. But I have someone and I grew up in the projects and my momma had six kids by 6 different men and and I and I love the projects. It's kind of like one problem stacked right in there next to the other one.

And I, and I grew up over there and, and it's a very, very interesting neighborhood. I trip off. People who try to act like they're from that kind of situation is really very amusing

and not real at all. And, and, and I, and I remember just, you know, you wake up in the morning after being, you know, after being asleep, you wake up, you look around and you see all the different things that, that, that the projects have to offer early in the morning,

you know, and you and, and, and, and, and for some reason, as an alcoholic, I can always adjust to whatever is going on if I really, really, really put my mind to it,

you know, even if it's not real, you know, if I really just focus on this illusion or delusion, I can really, really live with, you know, in the insanity of that. And, and so it's just a breeding ground for, for this disease that I have, this alcoholism. And I remember living in that community and going to school out here. I went to Pacoima Junior high school. I graduated from Pacoima Junior high school. And I remember just sort of, you know, living in this, in this, in this, in this, in this idea that

I can get loaded

and as long as I can drink, you know, everything is going to work out. See, and I don't even care if it works out good. When I say workout, I mean I'm going to get another drink

and every drink I took was connected to the next one that I took. It was out there was there were always linked together. And I just remember people trying to talk me down off the Cliff of my own BS, you know?

And I would never, never give in, you know, because my mind told me that I'm running what? I'm creating my own reality. I'm a captain of this, of my soul, and I am the master of my fate. And nobody's going to tell me nothing about nothing, especially if I don't agree with them.

And what I what? And through drinking and just, you know, 'cause my mother made alcohol looks so fun, you know? And I just remember them sitting up playing Big Wiz all night and playing Space,

talking real bad about each other. And next thing you know, I wound up with another sister, you know, I don't know. And so we got all these kids and we got all these cards and we got all these booze and we got all these lies and we got all these false beliefs. And we got the projects and then we got me,

you know, and, and, and, and, and what, and what, what went down is I got chased out of that neighborhood, you know, really seriously. And, and, and people don't drink the way I drink regularly. Like I drink, you know, they just don't. And I, and I can hang out with people, you know, like us. Like when I wound up on Skid Row, you know, I wound up living on 5th St. Julie. And that's where I, you know, I, I went there first.

And for those of you who keep telling people that

you were trapped in Skid Row in your mind, it's a different concept when it's really going on, on your behind you, right? Because I hear people in the meeting sharing that I was trapped Skid Row in my mind. And that may be fine, but it feels a little bit different, you know, 'cause I had it in both places, you know, in my mind and on my behind, you know, and I was down there and I and I, you know, I loved skid rope too. I liked it, I really did. I remember the first day

off the back of that RTD bus, I threw those doors open. I felt like that white lady in that movie The Sound of Music, when she's swirling around on that hill and I would sing and I loved it. I love, I love, I love Skid Row. I love the way it smells. I love how nobody's really bothering you about stuff,

you know, and, and, and, and all these fears that my sponsees tell me about. Sometimes I reminisce about how, you know, I didn't have to worry about nothing, these problems of abundance that everybody's so panically dealing with today. I didn't worry about none of that nothing on Skid Row. And, and what happened is I went and I made, you know how you want to go make an amends. But you know how these tools, you don't know nothing about it. You are going to apologize for somebody in case you can get, you know, some more alcohol.

And, and I went back over to the project and my friends saw me and they knew, you know, we got to beat him up. You know, he's a bad guy. And they chased me and they did. And they, and they physically assaulted me. And I can use some choice words when I meant for coin. And, and I was laying on the ground and this lady came out from the Westminster building. This is a community group where I used to do theater work with them when I was younger.

You know, kind of like the Little Rascals on crack.

And so she came out and saw me laying on the ground and she said, you know, what happened to you, you know,

and, and, and, and, and that was like a moment of clarity for me when she said that. And I don't, you know, I did not know that alcoholism was running my life. I had not a clue. I really didn't. And N did it really matter? As long as I could get drunk, I don't care what you call it. Let's get loaded, you know, and I, and I got scraped up by that woman and she took me to kill her. Martin Luther King General Hospital.

And they patched me up

and gave me a shot of an outside issue. And then I proceeded to go on, you know, thanks for the help. I'm fine, you know, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm loaded, man. And you know, I'm on the go here. And I remember going over to my aunt's house and she wouldn't let me in the house because of the way I lived, the way I smelled and what I was doing, you know. And she just told me you cannot come in here. And

really shook me up, 'cause my auntie always let me in, you know. And she told me I could sleep on the garage floor, though the floor of the garage. And I went down there and I slept in that garage, you know, on that floor in there. And my little place sister, she brought me some food, some cold chicken that morning with some cold chicken with chicken with chicken,

some chicken whether I'm homeless or not. And they probably some chicken

and I just felt like a like a like a creature that had finally been captured. And I'm in the garage and they they, you know, you know, I push it under the door, you know, and I get the food, you know, and then and then I get that Bill. Bill Wilson talks about that fierce determination to do battle. It comes back again. And this is after I've sworn it off. I've been captured by the love of my family and I'm still trying to figure out

I'm gonna get, be and stay loaded. See,

and I'm a wild animal and I can't deal with reality. I gotta get I got some somebody's got to get some boons farms in here or something,

you know, and and and and and the party was over and my mind keeps saying, where is the party at party been over. But my mind that's if you're a newcomer, the great obsession. If you don't feel like grabbing all the dictionary in Ebonics, the great obsession is is is that thought or that phrase? Where to party at?

Where's the booyah? Where is the? Where is the? Where is it?

You know, and and and and and. I'm here to share that

that was over. And delusionally, I still try. You know, those old cars, cars. I still trying to crank it up. My mother won't let me in the house. I'm I'm sleeping on the garage floor of my aunt who always spoiled me and gave me whatever I wanted.

I I, I'm addicted to not bathing my body. I am obsessed with not getting some hot water up on my behind. And my mind is still telling me where is the party at?

Yeah, and, and, and and and finally, she said you need to go down a big General Hospital and see if those people down there can help you, see if they got some kind of a program or something. It's my auntie. So she gave me a couple of bucks to catch the bus. Why would she do that? I have no idea,

but to start my recovery I must go get a 40 ounces.

You're going to stay sober. You better get drunk first.

That's my mind telling me stuff like that. So I go get drunk so I can go get sober, you know, and I go down

to big general and I all I remember, and this is vague for me and I I don't want to give a drunk a log, but all I remember is this little old white lady in this booth. It was almost like I was in a dream. And she said go down to El Centro. It almost feels like I'm playing Zelda, the video game. I'm going to these different themes

and so I go here and the little old white ladies telling me go to El Centro, maybe they can help you, which is a little drug addict, alcoholic referral place down the street from Big General Hospital. So I kind of hobble on down there and I met this man named Ronnie Macias.

Ronnie died a couple of years ago and he, he saved my life is what he did. You know, he took me and he put me in a hotel room over on 7th and Vermont for seven days.

He gave me some bus tickets in order to get over there and a miracle happened. I didn't sell the bus tickets

and I went over there and I lived in that hotel for seven days and every day I would come back and forth to his office. He would let me use the phone and he was trying to find a program to put me in. And on the last day I stayed up with this little Jewish guy at the hotel and we drank beer 240 oz. We talked about the conflict in the Middle East till 4:00 in the morning and then I went to sleep and I woke up and Ronnie told me to come down there and go downtown to the Volunteers of America building

that phone and call a lady named Yolanda at a place called Warm Springs Rehabilitation Center. And I called that Lady after I saw a Roach on the ground and I picked it up and I hid it and walked around the corner once again to get loaded in order to stay sober. And and she told me that I had to have seven days in order to go to Warm Springs and that's why Ronnie had me in the hotel. I guess

I really want to stop, but I got loaded this morning. I'm sorry we got to push this back, she said. Get on the van anyway.

And that was on May the 28th of 1991. I've been sober ever since. You know, I chose the next day for my sobriety day because you know how we are.

And,

and now I'm not sure about recovery.

I just can't believe that I started cooperating with those people. I don't know where that power came from.

See so many people nowadays in my recovery of 19 years sober, if you missed a cake. So because when I was new, I would come in and out of meeting sometimes I took a gig early and I'm up here. I'm the speaker now.

We got new people in here, but I can't believe that I started cooperating with these people.

Why? Why would and I and I would see all my friends going through the rehabilitation center swearing all, you know, that partner doctor's opinion where we see, you know, that we're in trouble, we know we're in crisis. We're emerging from a spree. We got this firm resolution. We're never going to do it again. I'm never going to do it again. The gig is up

and unless I find some sort of, you know, stimulation in which the way alcohol did me, I wind up doing it again anyway. And for some reason,

you know, at that rehab that day, it was a Wednesday. And I just remember, you know, not fighting it, not just go, I got to get loaded somehow, you know, And those thoughts were were slowly leaving me. And for some reason it just sort of felt, you know, that night after that first, first, first a, a meeting I ever went through in my life. I'm laying in that bunk and I'm saying to myself, wow, what if this is really the time where it really could happen?

What if this is the night? What if this is the time where it could really happen? Well, where I'll finally, you know, shut up, okay? And listen and do what somebody tells me about my current condition,

you know, And I had no idea where that came from, but thank God it showed up

and, and I wound up going to a meeting that next morning. It was a book study. And I you know, I seen this book and I said, Oh Lord, and I got the Bible up in here

me and and and and my coworker here in Janae in retirement, our little, you know, our hustle. I left the Bible scares me at that moment in my life. Don't bring the Bible nowhere near me. And the counselor, Russell Cole is something under that's not the Bible. That's the big book.

That's not the Bible

you know, and they say that the Bible act. The acronym is is basic instructions before leaving Earth is what the Bible is

and

and I I could never leave this earth man. I always woke up grounded in the reality of my own crap.

I never could get off the planet man. And I don't care how much drinking I was doing. I was trying to escape and,

and, and, and I went to that book study and I listen to those people

and,

and I got really scared because I started thinking about it much like here. It had Warm Springs and Staffs were on the wall in the dining hall and I was sitting there reading them, you know,

and I figured they were like algorithm like word problems because I, you know, I was declared gifted in the 6th grade by the only Unified School District.

I'm a smart drunk so I'm solving the steps.

1st pay a meeting

and I and I was looking at him and I said, you know, these people may really have something.

I really, I really, you know, this is a guy with no underwear on. I didn't have no clothing when I went up there. I left my clothes on my brother's house 'cause I owe that dude somebody. And, you know, I didn't want to go back over there. So, but I'm here,

you know, and I, and I've, I've had a good night's sleep, you know, by way of vomit and diarrhea. And I'm up now and I'm in the dining hall at Warm Springs and I'm solving the steps, you know,

and I see I one of my thoughts, I can't, I can't see where they're coming from.

And

I just, I, I, I, what I did up there is I just got involved.

One of the most annoying residents that Warm Springs Railroad Fishing Center ever had, you know, and what I did is whatever they needed me to do, I just did it. I was a head switchboard operator there. I ran the LIP Center literacy improvement program with no high school diploma. I taught four classes in the Lip Center. I was the dorm Councilman

and I was a liaison from residence

to staff while I was there. Plus I was involved in theater therapy program which I was the original

intern for the the first year they had ever done it. So I was very, very, very busy not working the steps

and I and I and I remember just being so smart

in treatment,

smartest guy in the rehabilitation center. And it came time for me to leave and I, the program is a 90 day program. I was there for 11 months.

So I'm there and I'm leaving and I'm getting ready to leave and I'm scared because now I got to go. I got to go out into the community and and live this thing and really pray to a God of my own misunderstanding.

And and and really and really and really and really and really touched base with the fact that I'm out of touch.

I I am a dodo bird when it comes to functioning

outside of this world of drinking.

When I'm drunk and I bump into reality every now and then, it doesn't matter because I don't even know it.

But now I'm sober and I don't. I don't I, I can't, I can't deal with it. So I wind up at a place called the Open Door Fellowship of Alcoholic Synonymous in Lancaster, CA. That was my original Home group and I met a man there named Dennis Lee. OK.

And,

you know,

he talked to me at a noon meeting, you know,

and he was talking to me about steps 1-2 and three.

And I told him that had already done my step packets at Warm Springs, The green, the blue, and I think it's kind of an orange color. I have done the Rainbow Packet work on the steps

and he told me that since I knew so much about steps 1-2 and three that I could get started on my inventory. But first I needed to learn what he knew about steps 1-2 and three. And that kind of threw me off a little bit because the smartest resident in the world at Warm Springs was no longer living there

and I had no idea what he knew about those first three steps. And as a control freak weirdo with no real information to live by, I was a little curious.

So I began to shut up and let him show me some stuff and then I would think about him and talk bad about him behind his back to myself.

It worked.

And, and he took me to the steps and he would come and pick me up

and he gave me these little writing assignments because I didn't have a job and I wasn't going to school and my social calendar was open.

And, and, and, and he began to tell me what to do. And he said that we need a dictionary. We got to look the words up because it seems like you're pretty smart

and we don't see too many of you smart people make it around here.

And I looked at him

and I could see the racism coming out,

prejudice. And he's embarrassed that a black man of my type has started figuring out what's really going on around here. But I didn't let anybody know he was a racist. I went ahead and did what he told me to do anyway

in Florida and and he would take me over to his office and every every every other night or so when I had to work. Then we go read and most nights we read in his car. He said this little bitty small Volvo 4 four door Volvo and we would read in that car and one night he was taking me home and he was listening to his style of music that he likes

and I reached for the radio and

he acted like a black man that night.

And so I began to draw back.

Man taught me a lot of stuff. I grew up without a father, you know, and, and he let me know that he was not him.

He told me exactly what I needed to hear, what I needed to hear. And the only way I know that is because of now, not back then,

because I'm sober and he died. So

see, And that's how I know he knew what he was doing because of where I am today trying to do it,

you know, And I'm grateful

that man took me and he loaned me that tie and I went and got that job. And I came out of that door and smiling. And he kind of smiled a little bit. And then he changed his face and said, give me my tie back.

It's a new that tie. And it's. Yeah, yeah, he took the tie back. I thought we had made a bond that day, but

not at all, you know, And I, he just treated me like alcoholism was real,

it was fatal and it needed to be dealt with.

He always treated me like that,

even up to when I moved out of the community. Alcoholism is real, it's fatal, and it needs to be dealt with. You know, and as an alcoholic, particularly when I'm not drinking, and I really think I got control over how I'm thinking. I could get caught blinking when it comes to this disease and wake up, you know, stunned, baffled and drunk because I wake up loaded. I know people playing away from drinking.

And this is a plan of recovery,

you know, because this is, you know, it's, it's recovering from the damage and the brutality of this disease. It is not for me to gain some sort of power within myself to do battle one more time. That's my history, you know, and, and, and that always caused trouble. I'm a surrender to alcoholic today. I'm not here to fight anybody about anything.

That's one of the reasons why in my earlier sobriety when I started sponsoring people, one of the things that he taught me

was don't debate the program with people you're trying to work with, because when you do that, they just might win the argument.

See. And if I'm arguing with somebody that don't even want to be here, that ain't even done all the work,

and they fool around and win that argument, you know, two people with a little bit of sobriety can pull together a AA40 answer.

So I'm not here to argue with sponsees and stuff. I have some friends here tonight who will tell you that, you know, I raised my voice. You know, people say, well, yeah, we use love when you're talking to these people you sponsor, just love them.

And I'm here to share that love has different tones to it.

There's shades of love

and mine is black.

I'm not playing around with this stuff. I've seen too many of my friends with too much sobriety blinking at the fatality of this stuff, throwing away years of sobriety, talking about a felt a certain way that day,

you know, And I got loaded, you know, one of my icons, one of the people I had on a pedestal, one of the people that I respected,

26 years of sobriety. And he got involved with some newcomer, you know, and left his wife and the kids, you know, and they both got loaded.

Now somebody said, well, you know, that's gossip and all that, stating facts. This disease is very powerful, very powerful sickness here. And I'm not well. You know, when you look up the word well in the dictionary and they don't have a little picture of my black face right next to that word. I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body, you know, of myself. I am nothing my father do after works,

you know, I'm basically here on borrowed time. Everything in my life today is on loan, including my relationship with this group. And all I got to do is start turning my back and ignoring facts. And I'm out of here, Jack,

you know, and, and, and what happens is I, I wind up starting working with these people after he gets me through the steps, says you got to go sponsor these people.

You know, because we used to make fun of him because he sponsored a lot of people. Me and my friends, we gossip, you know, look at it. He's trying to control out there. He is again working with somebody else. You know what about me?

You know? And he used to tell me the reason why I'm sponsored so many people is because so many people aren't.

And my friend Bobby and some of these other people, they was listening to the speaker one time and he said, Can you imagine if every man and woman and Alcoholics Anonymous would get off their comfort zone and sponsor one guy or one gal? If everybody here that has gone through the steps was sponsoring one woman, one lonely woman, one sick guy,

you know, return this fellowship on its head.

And, and I'm just really grateful that I'm in that number, man. I'm trying to carry the message. And it's really, really hard sometimes because I'm a human being and I have desires that come into my hand which oppose the grace of God purely based on my defects of character. And if I'm not careful and if I'm not involved and if I'm not in prayer, and if I'm not doing that inventory not in my mind

because we got people to do the inventory in their minds.

But if I don't put pen to paper and get those fears down and start really opening up and stop just giving you the showman sobriety, the dog and pony show of my, you know, crap. If I don't stop doing that and really get down to the causes and the conditions of my fears, you know I'm out of here too.

I'm an alcoholic.

You know, I always have been able to talk good about things that I like,

but on top of that, I have alcoholism

and I wanted to be alcohol wasn't

because alcohol wasn't would just be so easier to deal with.

You know, because you don't have to worry about those amends, don't have to worry about how you talk to people and what they look like and how you can just sort of float around drunk.

I need to be involved with the fact that I have alcoholism now. I don't carry this around as a fear all day,

but it has to be a part of the core of my reality. I mean, what I'm, you know, I, I'm supposed to be on 5th and San Julian selling me my brother's clothing and anything I can get my hands on to get that next train. And I'm speaking in Pacoima tonight and then I'm going to go over to the late night meeting we do on Tuesday nights in Burbank.

But I'm the next homeless tramp and a whore in a bomb.

Something happened to me.

It's my job to ethically come and tell you the truth about that. Something happened to me. That's why Bill wrote his book. Something happened to him. Remember, he didn't even need the book to get sober. He wrote the book so we could stay sober.

And something happened to that man, some power, something got got to him,

you know, and

he didn't even realize it until he got to another drunk for real, you know? And that guy turned out to be this behind doctor, this proctologist,

and he went and he went over there and he helped that guy, you know. And I'm starting to realize now with some time sober that unless I'm helping other people, I don't see the reality of my sobriety. All I see is I'm trying to get in mind before somebody else gets it. And I got time to be altruistic. The group needs what

I don't take my gas bill

well and, and I'm here to share that, you know, meetings are powerful,

but groups are what set those things up. You know what, I'm here today to share that my Home group has really taught me a lot of stuff here lately that I wasn't really in touch with for a for a couple of years kind of dry when it came to the maintenance of the group. Kind of asleep at the wheel about the needs of the group.

What does the group need? Do I need to quiet my, my personal ambitions so the group can survive? I mean, they say that in the literature. For my lips and my motives got me somewhere else.

I'm working on my life and my career.

I'm busy. But what about those people that weren't so busy? When you draw your new butt up up in here, what about those feet? Why were they sitting here making sure that the lights were on?

You know, thank God my original sponsor wasn't too busy, you know, to help me. Thank God that he was connected to the group and not just tripping off of his ego and the things that sensationalized him in a meeting.

Thank God that he helped them keep that door open when a lot of people didn't have no money and stuff.

You know, thank God that Doctor Bob sold his house to make sure that we could be sitting here almost 80 years later.

You know, I mean, you guys got a pretty good speaker here tonight.

Thank God, man, that people know enough about the traditions to keep people like me at a certain right size level about my condition.

You know, and, and, and they put the group 1st and then you realize or I realize that I am a part of the group so I'm being taken care of.

You know, my gas bill today was $3.06. That was my gas bill.

And then I want to help a newcomer and they, the girl or the guy will say, well, I haven't eaten in four days, you know? And then I'm digging around in my pocket trying to find out which bill I'm going to pull out.

You know I got a lot of nerve

when I'm all done telling you about all the classics.

I still need help,

you know? I, I, I, I, I sometimes forget that it's about God. Sponsorship in the steps. I start thinking that it's about ambition. You know my stuff and how I need to stay ahead of you

and I'm bottoming mentally different from people who get to live like that. That's not the 4th dimension of existence for me.

And, and, and I love, you know, this group. I see this group here and I don't know enough about it, you know,

and I'm willing to learn today,

you know, we got our little group and we're, we're responsible as a group for three meetings a week. And, and we're just trying to, you know, we have bare, bare, bare, bare minimum, bare to minimum expenses. That's all, you know, all we worry about is how we can be effective, you know, and that's something that I didn't know how to do when I was new. All I cared about as being a newcomer is once I get all the stuff that I see them flashing around us, then I'm going to be happy.

And that's just not how it works.

There's a reason why some of these people have some of this stuff around here

and it's not because they've just been sitting around living in fear, grabbing and taking from people,

you know, and there's some soldiers around here that are pillars in recovery. And I mean, pedestal is made for books and statues. And but there, there's some people around here that are really, really in love with this stuff. And I want to be with those people. You know, I don't sit in the visitors section of Alcoholics Anonymous effort.

And that's not how I got loaded anyway. That's not how I got loaded out. You know that joke? You know, there's a breakfast, there's eggs and there's ham. The chicken makes a little bit of a contribution, but the pig makes the total sacrifice.

And I see people laying a lot of eggs. You know, they lay a couple of eggs and the next thing you know they fly. They fly the coop

and and I'm not here to lay eggs. And you know, I want to be committed to our call. That's how my original sponsor passed away. The night that he passed away, there was a newcomer that he was taken through the steps of the bedroom. He was letting that guy live over there. He spoke at his funeral,

you know, and now my sponsor died. He didn't have a lot of money and stuff, you know, But that newcomer was staying over there eating because he didn't have nowhere to go.

And that guy got up and cried and shared at his funeral. That's what kind of That's what I'm working on right here.

That was a pig story.

Total sacrifice.

You know, my friend Paul, he brought up this a weird, crazy definition of the word altruism. And it's almost like the the species or the animal will will put his own life at risk to preserve the movement,

the heart. And it's like I come to the meetings and everybody looks comfortable. It don't look like anybody sacrificing nothing

but my time to hear their problems.

Well, sacrifice that, you know, and and that's not the kind of sobriety I grew up with. That's those guys were running around there making sure that us new people didn't destroy what they were building for us.

Those guys were running around making sure. So how do I do? The secretary, the previous secretary is supposed to show you. How do you make the coffee? The girl that just got through doing is supposed to show you

how I use the GSR. What's that the old GSR supposed to show you?

You know, and one of the trends that I've been seeing is just, you know, let me lay my egg, put my legacy to the group and then fly away.

You know, and that's just not a a, that's not what these books are saying,

you know, building there in the service manual. We were laughing in front of our headquarters last night. Paul and I was like, they finally realized, wait a minute, we might die,

you know, because we get so, you know, we be rolling. Hey, what's up? You know, you don't know. Well, shit. My life, man,

You know what am I going to do?

I want to make sure that other people know what to do,

you know, and what's cool about that is everybody can join in on that responsibility. The highest rank in the program is sober.

Everybody can make sure the lights are on,

you know, even if you just help by turning them off.

No, because I didn't come here with no money either. I'm just really grateful that I'm not lost in the dark of my own selfishness and self centeredness trying to hide A self determined objective. Like I don't have defects of character and I don't know how to help out, not with over 10 years. So I don't want that man's spirit haunting me.

I want to be free today.

You know, sometimes it seems like there's alcoholic banshees, right? You know, I don't know. I live by myself too. I don't have anybody in the house and I don't want to turn and see him there, you know? Why are you being so selfish?

I love it, man. I love these people. These people, man. I what got sick and I had to go to the I'm all over the place. I'm, I'm, I'm sorry if you're new and you can't follow along,

but I went to the hospital again and I was bleeding to death again. And they finally found out what was wrong. But my friends came up there and they had a meeting and then they put me on the floor where there's a little hallway area that's perfect for a little meeting

and all the a, a friends, the ones that could come because we all live, have lives and stuff. It showed up. We had a meeting,

you know, and I didn't get a chance to plan my own death because they stopped, you know, Because, you know, we get, I get deprived. I don't know about you, but I deal with depression. You know, a lot of this stuff that goes on in my head doesn't vanish in the twinkling.

And, and I'm sitting in there and my friends come down and they have a meeting, you know, and then

and, and, and nobody says anything to us. It's like security doesn't come and go, hey, what are you people doing in there? Nobody said nothing to us. We had the meeting, we prayed, and then they left, you know, and it's just like, that's what's here. Newcomer, this weird spirit of the fellowship. I used to think that Alcoholics Anonymous was a place,

you know, and I didn't realize that it was just a way of life that there's a spirit involved in this thing that see, we don't beg people

after the start, after see, it says we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. And once you start, we don't beg. So it's like when you talk about the needs of the group and what needs to be done, we leave by example, you know, and there's people in my in the group that just put it all out there, man. And if you learn from that, you do. And if you don't, you probably gonna leave anyway. Be less electricity will be burning up in here, I guess.

Let's see, I saw people that you they did stuff without even being asked to do it.

I don't know why I'm talking about this. They weren't asked. They just do it and then you go, wow, that's being done.

And to keep me from being a spoiled little brat doing whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it, including think and drink all day, maybe I'll do what the dude, the stickers and say stick with the winners. Well, the winners are the stickers. The people that stick that stay, let me mimic and model their behavior. Let me see what they're up to, not gossip about them and figure out how wrong they are about stuff,