Big Book study in McKenzie Bridge, OR

That's right.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And the exes. You want to list these things top to bottom, top to bottom, top to bottom, top to bottom. And once you get all those people, places and things that you're resentful at, then you come over to two. Here's the reason you don't do this. The human nature will tell you that it's natural to go left to right, left to right, left to right. You with me? Ain't right. Not in this one. The instructions are up here. You ain't going to read them because you're a good bunch of drunks. I got to know a lot of them. So just follow

pretty easy once you get these done then you come back and you do this. And the reason you don't go left to right is because if I write down that ex-wife

and I list one of the things she did, I'm done. I'm pissed off again. I can't get the rest of this out. But if you just list the people, places and institutions, then you come back and you put I'm angry at this person because

a lot of people are thinking, well, what if I've got that ex-wife and I'm angry about more than one thing? You put her name here

and you list the things

you with us. Here's the deal. When you get into this column, 9 words or less,

I know you guys that have been around here for a minute had that guy show up at the legal pad and he's written this novel.

Don't do it.

Please don't do it because what you're going to do, you're going to hand your guy this sheet and he's going to say you're angry at your way Ex-wife.

It says here because she always had to be right. What does that mean, Larry? Well, she had this need that she always had to be right.

Problem with that is she was right a lot of the time. I just didn't want to own it. You see what I'm saying here?

So all you're doing is you're writing a couple of words so that what the sponsor is going to ask, he says, what does this mean? You're going to tell them you're going to write all that stuff down. 9 words or less. Blow through this. Let's get her done. Come over to 3rd column. Hang on a second. I'm going to go backwards a little bit,

bear with me.

This sheet is in your packet. Not going to go over it except to tell you visit this sheet when you're doing your inventory. The reason being it's going to give you some comparisons here,

the business, the personal. But the big one is you wise guys out there that think you know what all these words mean. Quiz yourself. Make sure you understand the meaning of these words. You got a glossary that will tell you. There's two words on there that seem to have a very similar definitions. One of them is selfish, the other is self seeking. Somebody suggested to me and it works for me. My experience is selfish is in my mind

selfish. Self seeking is how it that selfishness manifests itself in my actions.

So it could start as a selfish thing and then I become self seeking. When I inflicted upon you,

it's up here on the sheets, not in there,

right

guys? If you need this sheet, e-mail me

[email protected]. Everybody. Some of you don't have it. Let's go. Frank's a slack dog. All right. You ready? All right. The next one is an example of resentments. When you get all these people, places and things down, you think I'm done? Go back and look at this. There's a list of people. There's a list of institutions and principles. A lot of us don't know what the hell a principle is. You think it's somebody that runs a high school. Well, it's not.

May be on there though.

An institution could be the 10 commandments, it could be child support, it could be alimony, adultery, homophobia, Jesus Christ. These are things that are instituted or principles. Institutions are these things. The Bible Marriage Society.

OK, take a look at the people

sponsor on here somewhere. There he is.

Visit this sheet. Because when you think you're done, you might want to rethink it. OK,

then we're going to go over here to step three or the column three. Column three says what does this affect?

There are three basic instincts of life. We all got them. The first one is social instinct. We're hurting animals. We love being together. I want you to like me. I want to be your friend. Let's hang out

you with me. But that's not always going to happen.

The social instinct,

self esteem, how I feel about me,

personal relationships, how I feel about you or how I perceive you feel about me. Ambitions are plans to gain acceptance, power, recognition, prestige in the future.

OK, get a series of check boxes. Check them off. If this thing effects any of these, any of these instincts, check it off. When you're checking these things off, if you don't know or you're unsure, don't try to be the Golden Boy because you won the prize. Leave it blank. And a competence sponsor will walk you through and say, don't you think that that would affect us?

You follow ramification. Bill Wilson did not spend a lot of time talking about it in the big book. He spent some time, though, in the 12:00 and 12:00. I invite you to read the first half of the fourth step in the 12 and 12 does not give any direction on how to do it, but it expands on social sexual and security, those three areas of self. And I challenge anybody. I've yet to find somebody who's found a problem that that falls outside of social, sexual or security issues. If it did not affect one of those instincts,

it wouldn't make it on this list. You have to affect one of those areas of self, otherwise I don't care.

We, we desire to be with each other. That's the Social Security instincts. Pretty self-explanatory. We need money, we need homes. We need to be, we need to be secure emotionally, OK, we got to survive. We got to pay the landlord,

OK, you check off those boxes and this is about the ambitions. Your plans to gain material wealth or Dominator depend on others in the future.

Come on over to the last one, the sexual instinct. God gave us this

to recreate. It's a spiritual act, but we take it to extremes and we're going to get into that in depth in a little bit. But if these resentments that you checked off because that's a sheet wrong affect your sexual instinct, acceptable which is your sex life is accepted by either society's gods or your own principles.

Hidden, which is elements of your sex life which are contrary to society's gods or your own principles?

Pretty clear. Or your ambitions regarding your suck life. Sex life either hidden or acceptable.

I can assure you as you go through this, if you, if it doesn't make sense, don't check it. Once again, a competent sponsor steps up and says, well, what do you think about that? Right, you with me on that one.

All right, so far we've done 3 columns. We're going to skip over to the top middle of 66. The book says it's plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But see, for the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely great.

We found it. It's fatal. Yeah, we found that it's fatal. For when harboring such feelings, I shut myself off from the sunlight of the spirit.

I used to think that drinking made me insane.

Here I am, apart from a drink. But if I let a resentment cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit, the book says, the insanity of alcohol returns. And then I drink.

The insanity always precedes the drink. I used to think it was the other way around. With us. To drink is to die. And that says if we're going to live like breathing, if I'm going to live, I have to be free of the anger. The grouch and the brainstorm are not for me. They may be the dubious luxury of a normal man, but for me, as an alcoholic, these things are poison.

So I turn back to the list. It holds the key to the future. I am now prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. Now check this out. All I've done is made three columns of information I've written, who upset me, what they did, and what part of me is affected. That's all I've done so far. The direction to the book suggest that.

Let me ask a question. How many guys in here are going to do a four step inventory? We're not doing it while we're here. How many guys have got plants? OK, Did you kind of get relieved that you don't have to write a novel? This is pretty simple stuff, guys. It's really simple. It's just you and a piece of paper and a pen,

All right? It says we're going to look at it from a different angle. We've been talking about these people that have wronged us up here, the IRS and her. OK, And now we're going to look at it from a different angle, Christian angle.

I wanted so badly to get over those resentments, those fears and that guilt, that shame, the remorse, the whore, the hopelessness. I wanted so badly to get over that. But I can't remove that myself. If I could, I would. The book suggest we begin to see that the world and its people really dominated us. When I'm looking at this in black and white in front of me, guess what? That kid from from 1977,

he is dominated some way or another my life

at certain times for the last 30-4 years,

34 years dominating his life. I've had over 30 years of it dominating my life

and I've seen other people around this fellowship who've had even longer experiences dominated a past action. The book suggests in that state, the wrong doings of others fancy to real have power to actually kill. In this page are seven death threats. There's seven death threats on this one page. You think they might be serious? It says how can we escape? We saw resentments must be mastered, but how we couldn't wish them away

than alcohol. And here's the gift. And I've had I've sat with guys who've done a fourth step in the past and they were never taken to this part.

That writing will not relieve you of a resentment.

Then treatment centers would be turning out sober, recovered Alcoholics all the time because they do a lot of riding. Here is where I get the relief. This was our course, the 1st 100. This is what they did. We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick,

though I didn't like the symptoms, their actions, attitudes and behaviors,

and the way that these symptoms disturbed me. They, like me, were sick too.

Prayer. I asked God to help me show them the same tolerance, pity and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend when somebody offended me. I can say to myself, this is a sick man, how can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done this series of prayers there. Now why am I doing that? Why am I praying for this unfortunate bastard?

Why am I praying for this SOB?

So I can be free of the resentment.

I'm the one who's being spiritually locked up as a result of the resentment. He will not drink over my resentment, even though I wish he would.

I will drink over my resentment. I'm not going to drink over what he did to me. I'm going to drink over my inability to deal with what he did to me. People talk about a treatment, people, places and things. That's what made me drink. No, she never got me drunk once. After I did an inventory I realized my feelings about her got me drunk.

My guilt, shame, remorse, hopelessness and horror over what happened got me drunk. My resentments got me drunk

and it put it all back on me. Always comes back to me. Let's skip this next paragraph please. So full paragraph down says referring to our list again,

putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done, we resolutely look for our own mistakes. Where had I been selfish to sign a self seeking and frightened? And we added inconsiderate because it shows up on another inventory list

and we found that it applies throughout the inventory process. So what you're doing is you're making a series of checkmarks. This is your part in this resentment. I'm angry at her because she always had to be right. Let's follow that thought all the way through.

It affected myself esteem because I knew I was lying, because she was sometimes right.

I was dishonest because I wouldn't own it, because I wanted to be right.

I was. I was self seeking because if I was right, I'm the man.

I was frightened because not only was I afraid that she would find out that I knew she was right, but the you would find out that I was living a lie.

And I was inconsiderate and I was inconsiderate two people here at least. I was inconsiderate to her because I wouldn't give her the credit that she deserved. And I was inconsiderate to myself because had I been honest with her, we could have let this issue go away and probably lived a little more harmoniously. You followed for me.

OK,

So that is the 4th column of the inventory. This is your part, and if you're going through here

and you're unsure what your part is, don't check it. Once again, you've got to rely on a competent sponsor

to walk you through this and he'll help you to see your part. I had an experience some years ago with a young man that had moved here from another country and on his inventory sheet he had a he had a an incident on there where a guy had broken into his house as a young and when he was a young kid

guy came in and beat and raped his mother in front of him.

4th column was empty.

Align the sponsor.

I'm looking at the sheet and I said, dude, both columns empty, what's your part? And he just looked at me, says Larry. I don't have a part.

The point I make with that story is just because those boxes are there doesn't mean you got a part. Don't become the victim. Don't become the martyr. If you got a part and you understand, you see it clearly, market. If you don't leave it blank. Once again, the confidence box is going to help you help you see it if you got it, OK, Remember, our inventory is ours, not the other man's. So sometimes

and I give you another example, guy that we both know back in Atlanta when he was nine years old was sexually molested while

playing in the hallway of his apartment complex over in the projects of Atlanta

growing up, repeatedly sexually molested by his next door neighbor.

And he made it, made it to his inventory, and his sponsor suggested that while the action that what occurred is not his fault,

that's not what this inventory is about. Why are you holding on to the resentment?

Why are you continuing to hold on to resentment 30 something years after it happened?

The resentment I'm holding on to because selfishly it fuels something in me I can. There's a lot of reasons why you can hold on to a resentment. He wasn't responsible for what occurred to him as a child. He is responsible at the age of 40. Plus, holding on to the resentment over what happened 30 something years ago. You know you can dig deep and you can get free now. Remember, we're not doing a fourth column until we started to pray.

The specific directions in the book suggest that we list people, places, institutions, what they specifically did, what it affected. I pray God help me show them the same tolerance, patience and pity I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. Now I look for my part, where was I? Selfish, self seeking, dishonest and considerate, and afraid. I'm going to be seeing this in a whole new way. Because guess what? I'm asking God to help me see them as sick people too. If it's just about the writing, that means you have power,

that means you can relieve your own alcoholism and that that's not what my book tells me. My book tells me that we need God's power. Is this stuff making sense to you guys? Are we losing you anywhere here? It's pretty simple stuff, isn't it? Bottom of 67 says notice the word fear. Flip back over to the previous page, say 65 please, and just glance at it because they've done a similar inventory or a sample inventory and out to a far right side of the inventory, the word fear is bracketed. This is what they're referring to. OK, go back over to

seven. Skip down to lines. It says this short word fear somehow touches about every aspect of our lives.

Fear was an evil and corroding thread. The fabric of our existence was shot through with it. Fear set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. But didn't we ourselves at the ball rolling? Sometimes we feel we think fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble, says this 12 and 12. It says that self-centered fear is the is the chief activator of all my defects.

Self-centered fear. Fear blocks me off from so many things that I,

you know, like I want to go on a long ride,

but the fear in me tells me I don't measure up, I'm not good enough rider and I'm probably going to have a problem somewhere between Atlanta and Akron. Not true. My bikes are capable and I'm healthy, but the the fear will keep me from doing that. It will rob me of that opportunity with us,

says We review our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper even though we had no resentment in connection with them.

We asked ourselves why we had them. Guys, that's important. This fear inventory. It looks just like the resentment inventory, but don't be confused. You don't have to be angry at something for to make this sheet. These are things that you're scared of cuz the book just told you that you're driven by 100 forms of it.

I can be scared of flying, but it doesn't make me pissed off at the plane.

I'm scared of snakes, but I'm not. I don't. I'm not angry at them. They do what they do. Frank was telling me about a damn bear chased them. Were you angry at the bear? He's just doing what he does, man. Get the hell out of my house. Ran his butt out of there too. I don't even want to go there. Fear is a whole different deal, and it blocks us off from so many things the book says. It's an evil and corroding thread in the fabric of my existence is shot through with it,

he says it we think it should be classed with stealing because it seems to cause more trouble. It robs me of so many otherwise good times that I might have.

Oh says we asked ourselves why we had these fears. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us?

Self self-reliance. I'm going to depend upon me to fix it. Wow. We've already talked about it twice in here. We're seeing that a life lived on self will can hardly be a success. self-inflicted upon others and manifesting itself in so many different ways. Man, self-reliance failed me. The question that goes on to say self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough.

I once even had great self-confidence,

but it didn't fully solve that fear problem or any other. It goes on to suggest the next paragraph. Perhaps there's a better way. We think so, for we are now on a different basis.

Bottom of 66 says that we this was our course. We're looking at people who have harmed us or done wrong things to us in a different way. We're going to look at them as possibly being sick people. We're going to look at the same way in fear. We've invited God into our world

and a third step decision. I'm giving myself to God. He ain't taking nothing. I'm giving it

to do with me and build with me. So I'm going to look at this, I'm going to God. I'm going to possibly go out on a limb here. Maybe there's a better way. We are in a different basis. What trusting and relying upon God. There's the way you deal with fears. You can't go out and make an apology to an airplane

or a snake or a bear.

We're living on a different basis. It says here's how you deal with fears. Because we're live. There's a better way we think. So for now, we're on a different basis. We're on the basis of trusting and relying. Christian, what's the difference in trusting and relying? You know, you're sitting there at the circus and you're watching the guy on the high wire

and he goes all the way across and you think that's pretty good. And then somebody swings a bike over to him. He's got a wheelbarrow on the front and he's pushing this bike across and he's got, you know, it looks good. Everything's great

and he gets away across and then he announces how many people think I could do that again? Every hand goes up. Who wants to get in the wheelbarrow?

Crickets. That's all you hear is a bunch of crickets. I trust God infinitely, I really do. But am I going to act like I trust him by relying upon Him? Trust is easy. That's watching the guy do it. I trust that he can do it. Relying is that I'm going to get in the wheelbarrow and trust that God's got a better plan than I do. Trust that and rely upon God to deliver me safely. Relying upon God, I'm going to do what I'm

supposed to do and I'm going to leave the results up to him because it says that we're in the world to play the role that God assigned. Just to the extent. Isn't that sound a little bit like we talked about? He's the director, I'm the actor, He's the father, I'm the child, He's the employer, I'm the employee, principal, and agent. I'm going to expand upon my relationship with God by relying upon Him to be the Father and I'll be the child, to be the principal. I'll be His agent, to be the employer, and I'm His employee.

The book tells me after that, being all powerful, He provides what I need says just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us. That's doing His will, aligning our will with His and humbly rely on Him once again, that getting in the wheelbarrow deal. Does He enable us to match serenity with or calamity with serenity? Our lives have been calamity all our lives.

What we're seeking serenity. And it goes on to say we never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator.

We can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness.

Here's a paradox. What is it? It's the way of strength,

it says. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage.

All men of faith have courage. I used to think that courage was the absence of fear.

Courage is in spite of the fear.

The fear is never as bad as it's never going to be as bad as I thought it was up here. It's manifested itself and it's boogeyman. This huge, towering just it's, it's so huge. And then I see it and it's this little teeny, tiny thing. It's never as bad as I think it's going to be. So we never apologize to God.

Instead,

here's a manifestation of that third step prayer. I let God demonstrate through me what He can do.

How do I get over fears? Just by being brave? How many people do that work for nobody? Prayer. I ask God to help to remove my fear and to direct my attention to what He would have me be at once. We commenced to outgrow fear. We commenced commence means begin. What does he want me to be? The book suggested in a couple of places. Happy Joyce and free to fit myself to be of maximum service to him and my fellows. Oh, to be the

actor to his director, to be the agent to his principal, to be the child to his father,

to be the employer, the employee to his employer. And once you get done with your fears inventory and you think you're done, go back and revisit this. Here's an example. And there's a whole bunch of them here. So once you're done,

go back and revisit this because you want to be searching fearless and thorough. OK, now about sex guys, before we go into this, I really would I'm I'm going to ask you, let's keep this thing down to earth because we know what kind of trouble this deal has caused us. And this this thing can get spun out of control and we can laugh it up and yuck it up. But the bottom line, at the end of the day, it's caused me a lot of heartache. I've harmed a lot of people in my life with this deal right here

and checks. I've lost more sponsees over money and sex. Fear of it, not enough of it. The book suggests many of us needed an overhaul there. Sex isn't always intercourse. Sex can be a lot of things. I asked my sponsor. We did this inventory a couple of weeks ago in our Home group and my sponsor was there. Bob conducts a four step workshop that lasts 6 hours at the Rock and all he does is the four step inventory.

And I said, Bob, give us an example of sexual misconduct,

he says. I'm in the choir at church.

I'm married, I love my wife, we're happy. But there's this young lady with big boobs in the choir. She's married happily and got children, but she stands next to me in the choir,

he says. When in between songs where our hands are by our side and we're touching each others hands,

nothing ever happened.

They touched each other's hands.

That's hidden sexual misconduct. That's an example of Bob's hidden sexual misconduct. The book suggests that we have no judges other than God.

That's an example of a hidden sexual misconduct.

They didn't go sleep with each other. They didn't even grab her tits. He just rubbed her hand. She didn't tell her husband and he didn't tell his wife.

You follow books suggest. Above all, we try to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off track here. We find human opinions running to extremes, absurd extremes. Perhaps there's one set of voices that cry that sex is the less of our lower nature based necessity of procreation. Then we got the voices who cry for sex and more sex, who bewail the institution of marriage. They think most of the troubles of our race are traceable to sex. They think we don't have enough of it or it isn't the right kind.

They see its significance everywhere. The book suggests 3 lines down. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone Sex conduct. Arbiter is judge, if I am sponsoring a man and he's living a lifestyle other than straight

sexual conduct, for instance, a gay man,

and he goes into the story about it, that conduct of that behavior, I don't know anything about it. Who am I to judge it? Or there's some things with his sex life that I have no experience with. I can't judge that. So what do we do with it? Christian book says we all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. So it doesn't say all Alcoholics, such human beings. We talked about it earlier when we were talking about the God the God. The God directed animals.

All humans have sex problems because we got what self will

and we abuse this privilege, this God-given thing to extremes

says what can we do about them? We review our own conduct over the years past. Where have we been selfish, dishonest and considerate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Where were we at fault and what should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and we look at it all right. There's that inconsiderate thing we talked about and it says where did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy?

You're in an outing with your lady

and this real liquor comes walking by,

but she's got attributes that your wife might not have. And you give her a second look and your wife sees you doing it.

Hello. Suspicion, jealousy, bitterness. You think this is what? What were you? What were you looking at? That woman? You never look at me like that. You see how simple this is, Because when you do the sex inventory, you hear it. These things tell you it's that you've gone out and been unfaithful to your partner.

No, this is a sexual misconduct inventory and it says we put them all down on paper.

There are going to be extreme examples of your behavior in the past and they go here, but you list them top to bottom, top to bottom, top to bottom. There's going to be those nameless people.

Maybe not in your life. There's a ton of nameless people in my past. I wouldn't know them if I tripped over them today.

Not because they weren't significant.

They were victims of my misconduct.

You list them, the girl at the Waffle House,

that girl that night at the don't have to have a name, but you put them here. And what did you do?

What did you do to harm this person?

And you carry it on over the 3rd and 4th column

the book suggests. In this way we try to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subject each relation to this test. Is it selfish or not? Prayer. We ask God to mold our ideals and then to help us live up to them.

We remember always that our sex powers are God-given and therefore good. That's a big That was a big deal for me. They're good sex powers. They were given. They're good neither to be used lightly or selfishly, nor to be despised and loathed. It says that you put each

one of these to the test. You got to ask yourself, is it selfish or not? Are you manipulating your way into something you shouldn't be doing? You get what we're talking about here? Is it selfish?

And I got to tell you,

I'm guilty with doing that with guys. I could find out that you live in my town and you're a builder and I want your business. I'm all of a sudden going to be your best friend.

I can have sex with money.

The same sound sex, Ideal. Many people in this room got no idea what that means. When I first heard this term, I thought it meant

what I wanted in a relationship and I put down how tall she needed to be, what her cup size was and all that business. It's not what they're talking about, but it can be. What do we bring to the table? I have a question.

It says what should we have done instead?

Should you have had that? Had that conduct

what? Instead of doing the fault or the wrong or the harm,

you do the opposite.

You understand what I'm saying? OK. Are you married? You had an affair with a girl over to Waffle House. OK,

and where'll I get your wife? On the phone, dude. But you go out and you have this affair.

What should you have done instead?

You don't. We're not telling you to write it down.

It's asking you the question

and you did your wrongs, your inventory. OK, OK.

And I want to be clear on something here. There's nothing in this book that talks about writing down your assets.

Lot of people in the fellowship says you write down your faults and your assets. My assets didn't damn near kill me.

Let's talk about this same sound sex ideal. This is in your packet. This is not something we wrote. We found it from someone that we respect. And this isn't from an old inventory of his. And all this is an example of what a sane sound sex ideal could be. OK, and Christians going to read that for you #1A true partner. Someone to share equally in the responsibilities of life. Neither partner feels they are taken advantage of #2 an intimate relationship.

Someone who can see into me, see the dark and the light. Someone with whom I can take emotional risks and let them in behind the wall that I put up and not

abandoned me. Totally accepting of me, good and bad, without expectation of change.

If that change comes, it comes from God #3A monogamous relationship sexually and spiritually, where I show reverence

and respect of our love and commitment. IEI demonstrate that my mate is number one all the time in my life. Honor and cherishment #4 Someone with whom I am free to be truthful, not afraid to be honest. Both omission and Commission #5 my lover. Open, honest sex fantasy. Realization through caring exploration of our sexual natures. The true goal is pleasure for each other through sexual means to enhance intimacy. Where to really do become one.

6 Fair Play Total commitment to harmony through fair expedient compromise using the rules to keep our disagreement within bounds and open commitment to a quick fair resolution to restore harmony to our relationship #7 safe, loving, nurturing home for parenting, emotionally stable, filled with love and self sacrifice for the good of the family. Union number 8A balanced Relationship work and play balanced. Spending and saving, balanced

home and travel. Balanced money is not my God loving family or paramount

#9 a relationship which nurtures the couple hood not just the parenthood. So when the nest is empty, our relationship moves to the next chapter, does not start again. Someone to grow old with #10 someone to grow with mentally, spiritually and sexually. A non judgmental support for the betterment of the individuals which betters the couplehood. Someone who will share in our combined vision of our future and love and our lives to come. With whom I can strive to reach a mutual goal of serene old age

where we can look back on happiness in the journey, not a finishing line. The number 12 my #1 fan, supporter, confidant, best friends, lover, spouse, wife, mother, companion, and hero. Where we Revere each other through sacrifice and love to become one. And that the one we become can give back and help others, including our kids. The Program

society and church where our lives can be an example of the program

which helps others find happiness, fidelity and love.

OK, so that's a pretty good example or a guideline if it as it were as you as you try to set to shape your own sound same sex ideal and then you do what Christian real quick question. How many people did that just floor you had never even conceptualized of a sex ideal that was outside of the confines of what happens in the bedroom

or in an intimate walking relationship, be it a marriage or, you know, some kind of relationship like that. This floored me the first time I read it. This is an example. This is a well written example, a very elaborate example, but the book suggests whatever our ideal turns out to be, I must be willing to grow towards it. I must be willing to make amends where I've done harm, provided I don't bring about more harm in in so doing. In other words, I treat sex as I would

any other problem. Prayer and meditation. I ask God what I should do about each specific matter.

The right answer will come if I want it. There's a caveat. You got to want it.

God alone can judge my sex situation. This is a big one right here. Council with others is often desirable, but I let God be the final judge.

I realize some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. I avoid hysterical thinking or advice. Hysterical thinking and advice. If you go over to

in this meeting and you go up to five guys and you talk to him about any given sexual situation,

answers or comments or suggestions or feelings or opinions are going to be all over the place. So you avoid that. I keep this with my sponsor and he listens and if he has direction, he'll give it to me. Otherwise, he's going to take me back to the ultimate source, God, because it tells me that God alone can judge my sex life. Most extreme example I've ever seen of that was a woman walked into the 8111 club in Atlanta, sat down, they opened up the meeting, did the readings, the prayers, everything.

Was good to go introduce the topic. She raised her hand and says just found out I'm pregnant, what do you think? Should I get an abortion? 50 untrained psychiatrists tackled that. We didn't talk about alcoholism, we didn't talk about the new guy, we didn't talk about a solution. And we had people in that room who were literally coming to fisticuffs over one another because that was an extreme topic and how dare that be discussed. The most important thing we could have done is that's an outside issue.

We suggest that you get some counsel with people that you know, love and trust,

you know? But there was a guy who showed up at a book study Larry and I did, and he was shopping for the answer he wanted. Larry, what do you think? What's your opinion about this?

It No, no, no. Wasn't a weed eater. It was a big This is the book suggests. Suppose we fall short of our chosen ideal and stumble. Guess whose ideal? This is Mine. This is my ideal. This isn't my mom and dad's ideal. This isn't my church's ideal. This is mine. I ask God to help me mold my ideal, and then I ask him to help me live up to it.

It's my ideal. This is what I'm shooting for. And Chris Raymer does a real easy exercise. It's called 20105,

right? 20 things that you want in a relationship. Healthy things

take out the 10 that matter the least and then circle the five that matter the most. And it's a challenging exercise. When I got down to it, guess how? Guess how important big boobs were on my list?

They were number six. They didn't make it on the final five. Guess what did make it for me? My experience. A woman who doesn't talk to hear her head rattle

walking with a relationship with her creator. Supportive of what I do in AA.

Loves amorous sex

and wants to be in a healthy relationship.

I thought boobs and legs and butt were going to be all over that thing. I'm pretty sure butts on his though. He's a butt man.

Was there a hand in the back?

I was just,

if you want, this is somebody else's ideal, you can. I mean, it's your ideal. This is another man's. Are you clear with that? This is another man's ideal. If it appeals to you, go with it

anyway, it says. Suppose we fall short.

Does this mean we're going to get dropped? Some people tell us so. It's only a half truth.

It depends on our motives. If we're sorry, here's the test. Is it selfish or not? If my ideal my ideal is a healthy monogamous relationship and I'm going outside of that relationship to get some on the side,

who's going to pay the price of that? My ideal is healthy, monogamous,

but my alcoholic, selfish, self seeking side wants to live over here. I can't let the two worlds combine. I can't let them know about one another. Guess what, I'm living a lie, a double life. Guess what's going to catch up with me? Fear. Resentment makes for more drinking, doesn't it? It's only a matter of time,

the book says, if it depends on us, on our promotives, if I'm sorry for what I've done and I have an honest desire to let God take me to better things, I believe I will be forgiven and will have learned my lesson. If I'm not sorry, and this is a I'm going to give you an opinion and I'm going to express it with utmost enthusiasm. One rule in our sponsorship family, and it's absolute. If she ain't got time sober working the steps with the sponsor, leave her alone