Big Book study in McKenzie Bridge, OR

Now Bill, just in case you're not convinced, he asked the question again, if you are a seriously alcoholic, as we were, we believe there is no middle of the road solution. Middle of the road solution. Take your time. Don't rush into taking the steps. Relapse is part of recovery. Just don't drink and go to meetings. If your butt falls off, pick it up and take it to a meeting. Those are middle of the road solutions. Do the work. It's right here and all your timelines and clear cut directions for doing that work is in this book.

These middle of the road solutions are not outlined in our text. This is what the 1st 100 did.

I don't know what you want, but as I sit here with my feet right where they are in Eugene, OR today, I want what they got and I got to do what they did. If I got if I'm going to get it. But the chapter five starts out says if you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then and only then Are you ready to take certain steps. I know this is hard language and I'm not over here trying to shove this up your butt. I'm just telling you about my experience because I drink and I die.

We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, just the living part.

And if we if I have passed into that region from which there is no return through human aid, I had but two alternatives. One, I can go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of my intolerable situation as best I can, and the other is to accept spiritual health. Now, I like the accepting spiritual help. I don't got to figure it out. I don't have to be good enough for it. I don't have to be smart enough for it. I don't have to study for it. I don't have to do anything except accept it. And that is one of the hardest movement blocks that men, especially in Alcoholics Anonymous, have

accepting help. I'm used to earning it. I'm used to manipulating it. You know, it's like the guy passed it on to me. And what was the, what was the only caveat? If I take what he gives me, I then have to pass it on. It's got to be, it's got to be a hook. That's a good simple definition of humility. I can't do this. Would you help me? Yeah. A man approached me on the on the on the balcony earlier today. And he said, you know, I don't deserve to be here.

Of course you do. You wouldn't be here. If you do what what we do, you're going to get what we got. I know that sounds so cliche, but if you do what we do, you're going to get what we got. It's just that simple.

Books suggest that this we did because we honestly wanted to and we were willing to make the effort.

Says a certain American businessman had ability, good sense and high character. This is Roland Hazard. He's the guy we talked about, Had enough money to burn a wet dog. Let's talk about rolling here for a second. Let's tell you about this guy's substance.

Roland Hazard, born into wealth, married in 1910, became active in the Republican Party, served one term as a Rhode Island senator. From 14 to 16, he sat on the board of Allied Chemical, Allied Die Allied Signal, $18 billion corporation. Back then they owned Burlington Industries.

There's a first attempt. It's at recovery was a one year commitment with Doctor Coral Ying and we're going to go into that now. But Roland Hazard once again he could buy anything on the plant. Hell he could have bought the boat that he that he went to Switzerland on. So he didn't have enough money to buy his way out of alcoholism. Says for years Roland had floundered from 1 sanitarium to another. Roland consulted the best known American psychiatrists.

Then he went to Europe, placing himself in the care of the celebrated position, the psychiatrist, Doctor Carl Jung. All right,

Doctor Yoon was his third choice. Let's go back to the timeline last night when Roland started looking. The most prominent name in in, in Society of the day was Sigmund Freud. Freud wasn't taking any new patients at any price. His second choice was a guy that was getting elderly by the name of Alfred Adler. Adler was getting too old. He wasn't taking any any new patients. Let me tell you the kick, the kick here.

If Roland had seen either one of those guys, we wouldn't be here

because they were both atheists. He gets up, hooked up with Young and Young tells him about the spiritual solution.

So that was a God shot man. That was number coincidence. OK

Yep.

Now that we would have been somewhere talking about her inner child as we're dying from alcoholism, holding teddy bears would be in holding snuggling teddy bears up here today. You know, it's Keith Lewis who just passed away about a year or so ago. Amazing. Speaker He spoke at a place in the late 80s and it was their headline. Speaker Saturday night. And he gave his opinion about the the medical fraternity and a lot of the quote UN quote psychological measures that were taken to try to help Alcoholics. And he says, you know, he suggested that their inner child needed a good

spanking. And a lot of those people got up and walked out. And he came back a number of years later, and the first thing he wanted to do was make an amends. He says, listen, I'm really sorry for expressing my opinion in such a way because those who walked out left their teddy bear sitting in their seats when they left. He wasn't asked back for a while,

says he'd gone to Europe, placing himself in the care of the celebrated position of the psychiatrist, Doctor Carl Jung, who prescribed for him. He went for a year. Every Thursday for an hour. They met. He was outpatient therapy now, it says here, though experience had made Roland skeptical, he finished his treatment with unusual confidence. His physical and mental condition were unusually good, and above all, he believed he had acquired such a profound knowledge of the inner workings of the mind and its hidden springs that relapse was

unthinkable self knowledge. Nevertheless, Roland was drunk. In a short time he got drunk on the boat back home,

says more baffling still, Roland could give himself no satisfactory explanation for his fault. So he returned to Carl Jung, whom he admired, and he asked him point blank why he could not recover. Roland wished above all things to regain self-control. self-control got him where he was, didn't it? He seemed quite rational and well balanced with respect to other problems. And we've talked about, we hinted at 5 different types of Alcoholics back in the doctor's opinion. He's type #5

well balanced, normal in every respect except in the effect alcohol has upon him. Then it goes on to say yet he had no control whatever over alcohol

was this. He says he begged the doctor to tell him the whole truth and he got it. And Jung's opinion, judgment. I'm sorry he was utterly hopeless. You might want to highlight that word or underline it. Hopeless means you're dying dude.

Not kind of, sort of, but you're dying. Roland could never regain his position in society and he would have to place himself under lock and key or hire a bodyguard if he expected to live long. Wait a minute doctor, I got all this money. What about all this money? Says this is the great positions opinion. It goes on to say that but Roland still lives and is a free man. He does not need a bodyguard nor is he confined. He can go anywhere on this earth where other freeman may go without disaster, provided

he remains willing to maintain a certain simple attitude.

We're going to skip down to the next paragraph. Roland asked the question straight up and and Doctor tells them you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I have never seen one single case recover where that state of mind existed to the extent that it does In You,

says Roland felt as though the gates of hell had closed on him with a claim. He says. I've seen some guys recover, but, well, they're not near as bad as you are. Dude, you're you're in bad shape back here. What kind of attitude,

spiritual attitude, that there is a power greater than yourself, God consciousness. It's called a complete psychic change. We're about to get to that. So we asked the question, are there no exceptions? The best way I've ever seen this put and it's I hate to go to a movie like this, but the movie Dumb and Dumber when Jim Carrey is at the end of the movie and he professes his love to the girl and she tells him straight up,

not in a million years. That little grin that comes across his face when he says so You're telling me there's a chance?

There's a chance That's an alcoholic chance.

So he says, Doctor, are there no exceptions? And here are the odds. Yes, there are exceptions to cases such as yours have been occurring since early times. Listen to these odds here and there once in a while. Oops. Alcoholics have what are called vital spiritual experiences. Now, to me, these occurrences are phenomena. They appear to be in the nature of huge emotional displacements and rearrangements. What we're calling this is a psychic change. Ideas,

emotions and attitudes which were once the guiding forces of the lives of these men

are suddenly cast to one side and a completely new set of conceptions and motives begins to dominate them. What we're talking about here, the question in the back was a certain simple attitude. What we are going to be talking about in this book study this weekend are there all we're doing here. And A A is trying to change our attitude about three things. Ourselves. When we walked in here,

our behaviors and and and our habits have been so despicable. We we in our minds consider ourselves to be pieces of dirt.

Low self esteem if you will. The second attitude is our attitude about

our fellows personal relationships. You drop your rocks. I took sandy beaches. Suggestion. Drop the rock. Our attitudes about our fellows. Because if I ain't feeling good about me, you ain't feeling good about me and I ain't feeling good about you. Screw you attitude about God's kids. Third attitude is about God. When I walked in the door, I knew he existed, but he wanted nothing to do with me. I've been a bad guy in my life

and there was no redemption attitude about yourself, about your fellows and God

you with us certain simple attitude,

he says. In fact, I've been trying to produce some such emotional rearrangements within you with many individuals. The alpha methods which I employed are successful, but I've never been successful with an alcoholic of your description. Again, Bill is going to suggest that we go back to amplification in Appendix 2. We're going to wait till he begs now. Upon hearing this, Roland was somewhat relieved for reflected. After all, I'm a good church member. That hope was, however, was destroyed when the doctor told him that while your religious convictions are good and your case, they do not spell the necessary vital

experience. So here was the terrible dilemma in which our friend Roland found himself when he had this extraordinary experience, which, as we have already told you, made him a freeman. We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men. Go back up into your room, or go into one of these bathrooms and fill a sink up with water. Stick your head in it. Hold it there as long as you can.

Nature is going to make you snatch your head out in gas for air.

We sought the same desperation as that of a drowning man,

Bob, and please help me. If you ain't got that desperation and you're new in here today, I got bad news for you.

This is that. This is that window of opportunity. This is one of them

now. What seemed at first a flimsy read has proved to be this loving and powerful hand of God. A new life has been given us. Or if you prefer a design for living that really works,

suggests further on clear cut directions are given showing how we recovered. Well, I tell you what, that's strong language in it directions. I hate directions. Then it says these are followed by 42 personal experiences. This is book was written before the speaker meeting.

So here's the speaker meeting in the back of the book and then what? The speaker meetings in the back of the book were intended for one reason. It says each individual and their personal stories describe in their own language and from their own point of view the way they establish their relationship with God. The book talked about the central fact of our lives, absolute certainty that our creators entered into our hearts and lives that He has done for us what we could never do for ourselves.

I'll sit and listen to a speaker in a meeting. In this I'm going to express an opinion.

I'll sit and listen to a speaker in a meeting and God shows up about four minutes till the very end and it's in a passing reference.

And that's it.

My book tells me that I'm supposed to talk about the absolute certainty that my God has entered in my heart. And I'm supposed to describe in my own language and from my own viewpoint, how I how I establish a relationship with this power, with this creator, with this force of the universe. That's my job, because that's it's like the wet part of the water. You know, if I'm going to describe the spiritual side of a a like there's a spiritual side of a a everything about it spiritual, you know, but says it says this will give

others a fair it will give a fair cross section of our membership and a clear cut idea of what has actually happened in our lives. If I'm just not drinking and I'm telling you that I'm just not drinking for those Alcoholics, and I was one of them who tried to just not drinking thing, they're going to find that story useless. Thank you for telling me about your not drinking. How do you do that? Is it the meetings you're going to because we bury people back in Atlanta who just go to meetings. Is it the service work that you're involved with? Because we find people back in a, a who put

back in Atlanta who put a bullet in their mouth because all they do is have service.

The book talks about a relationship with God, Central fact of our lives, absolute certainty, you know, and Larry harp on certain things. I harp on this one. God. It's all about God. It's all about God. Anytime I think this is not about God, I need to go back and look at it 'cause it's all about God. It's all about God. It's all about God. Guys, let's take 5 minutes. We got one more chapter before lunch.

On this blast break, I was approached by some guys and what's happened through this course of of this book study, we've disturbed some people about the question of alcoholism and what they've been doing up to this point in their meetings. And that's a good thing.

Meetings are for that new guy that's looking for us and he's looking for a solution.

And hopefully when you leave here, you ain't got to do it my way or Kristen's way or Chris Lamer's way, but tell these guys the truth. Tell them about the solution to alcoholism.

You know, I mean, a guy we're talking a minute ago about you get into these meetings and the weed eater comes up and somebody says, well, you think that's something I gotta ride in lawnmower, think that's something. If you think that's something and it's one upmanship. And the guys going, you know what? I can go back to the job if I had one and they could tell me the same stuff. I can go to the bar and talk about this. Yeah, I need a solution because I'm dying here. But he never says anything because we've lost him and he walks out. He's scared to death and hopeless. Once again. He's come to the last stop on the block.

He's humiliated itself by coming into a lower life form, a group of useless, horrible Alcoholics and they throw them away too. We got to quit doing it, guys. This is the lifeblood of our society. Anyway, chapter three more about alcoholism. The important thing that you need to know going into this chapter, this is the Alcoholics viewpoint and you're going to, I don't know about you, you may not. I love this chapter. There's some guys in here that I just love.

Bill goes out on a limb here by suggesting most of us have been unwilling to admit that we were real Alcoholics.

No person likes to think that they are bodily and mentally different from their fellows. He's talking about Page 21 the real alcoholic. Therefore, it's not surprising our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. Vain, hopeless. The idea that somehow, someday we will control and enjoy our drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. What's that control and enjoy stuff about me Think about it. When you were having fun with drinking, there was absolutely

control. The wheels were off and just good times. And when I'm having a really good time to control it, I mean, here's the all right, here's your stipulation for drinking. You can come if you only have one beer.

I'm not coming.

I'm sorry, mom and Dad, but I'm not coming to your anniversary. No, no control and enjoy that. There's two deals going on here. If you're controlling, you're not enjoying. If you're enjoying, you're not controlling. You can't get them to things going at the same time. Then it goes on to say the persistence that says the drinking is is the greatest. All right. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many of us pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. Right there, huh?

I'm going to. I'm going to define 3 words and one we'll kill three birds with one stone. Obsession, illusion and delusion or insanity. Sanity. The definition is wholeness of mine.

What do you reckon insanity is? So obsession, illusion, and delusion are all the same thing. Simple insanity. People say that power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. Hell, I'm not crazy. I go, really. Let's take a look at your life for a second. Let's talk about this for a second.

Book suggests we learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves, that we were alcoholic.

This is the first step in recovery. There you go. The delusion that we are like other people or presently maybe has to be smashed doesn't say it needs to be talked about or discussed. It needs to be smashed because you ain't like nobody else. Yeah,

this, this is such a key thing because there's a, there's this understanding that happens on a gut soul level that does. It's not an intellectual concept. Understanding alcoholism in my head was easy. Understanding it on a fundamental level in my gut and in my soul was not understanding the step one

that I cannot drink

because I'm powerless over alcohol. My life has become unmanageable. When I read step one the first time it said you cannot drink.

That's what I read

when I conceded to my innermost self. Step one took on a whole new meaning. Step one took on a meaning now when I conceded in my gut that I'm going to drink.

Step 1 does not mean that I can't drink. Step one is that I'm gonna drink. No matter how badly the necessity or wish, no matter how much I don't want to, I will drink again. That's the great abnormal thing about alcoholism, the idea that somehow, someday I will control and enjoy my drinking. I don't have the mental capacity to not think about the consequences. And even if I do think about them, the book suggests that they are readily supplanted with this threadbare idea that this time it'll be different.

Handle myself like a gentleman. I will. I'm a grown man and I deserve a drink. It goes on to sit there and say the delusion that we're like other people or presently maybe has to be smashed. Delusion and denial are two words the treatment centers love to throw around. And denial is thrown out real subtle. He's in denial about his alcoholism. This next line gives one of many descriptions of the alcoholic. We're out. We Alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. That's the allergy section of the of the disease.

The difference between denial and delusion is very subtle. Denial is when you know the truth, and it doesn't apply to me. I knew what alcoholism was and I understood it, but it wasn't my deal. Delusion is you don't even know the truth, and Doctor Bob was in the delusion.

Bill Wilson was the first person who came and told him the truth about alcoholism from an alcoholic's viewpoint. He talked about all the subtle insanity that precedes the first drink. Delusion is a big deal because a lot of people don't understand why they're in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and we haven't qualified them.

How many people qualify Alcoholics who walk in and raise their hand and say for the first time, I'm new, this is my first meeting, Do we qualify them?

Because most of them have no clue what alcoholism is. They think their problem is alcohol. They don't understand alcoholism. And that's a key thing because the people who die from alcoholism may not understand that. That's what put them in the grave.

Goes on to say that we know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. Ever is an italics. Remember we talked about the extra money it cost to change the typeface. All of us felt at times we were regaining control. But such intervals, usually brief, we're inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. I understand the pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. You know what that means?

Remember those days where you did that thing in front of the family or your boss

or they you came to in the middle of the street? You remember those? Yeah. See all the nodding? Welcome. Cool. We are convinced to a man that Alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Now, what they're talking about is the progression of alcoholism. We followed it through Bill Wilson's life. He he was he discovered alcohol. And then all of a sudden, it ceased to be a luxury. And that's the way it was. We ended up up here on the hill today

because we're in the grip of a progressive disease

just like cancer. Unless you give it some chemo and nip it in the bud,

you know, I'm saying because it never gets better over any considerable period. We get worse, never better. There we go, bottom of page 31. You see these pamphlets are well-intentioned fellowship, right? 20 questions.

The book has two places where they suggest two tests. One is a set of questions, one is a series of actions. Here's the action bottom of the page. We do not like to pronounce any individual as alcohol. You guys got a new guys vibrate and he comes up and he says, you know what? I'm not sure I'm alcoholic. I don't know if I belong here. You guys just look like a bunch of duds to me. All you do is drink coffee and smoke cigarettes. Say well,

Mr. New Guy, here's what we suggest you do. Can I call you new? But you can quickly diagnose yourself. Alcoholism is the only disease that does not

manifest itself in my life as a real like the way Scott Redmond talks it as a real piece of business until I diagnose myself. I was dying of alcoholism for years before I recognized I had alcoholism. It was there, but it wasn't real for me until I acknowledged I I had it. And I used to run the comparison. I used to date this girl who is a lifeguard and she would throw the life preserver into the pool for the for the kid in the end of the pool who was drowning.

But until the kid acknowledged that he was drowning, he didn't grab ahold of the life preserver. There's nothing that could be done. She ended up diving in to grab him and pull him out. Until I acknowledge my alcoholism, it doesn't exist. It's not real. I'm not dying from it. So we have to diagnose ourselves and what do you do? We step over to the nearest bar room and try some controlled drinking. Try to try to drink and stop abruptly and then try it again. You got to do it more than once,

it says. It will not take long for you to decide if you were honest with yourself about it. Honest. There's your caveat. It may be worth a bad case of jitters if you get a full knowledge of your condition.

All right, all right, we're going to talk about a couple of different examples. Bill Wilson, they in the book, they give four specific examples of different types of Alcoholics included the stories in the back of the book and Bill's story. There's a number of different examples. I didn't hear it the first story I heard. I didn't hear me in the first story I heard. I heard it when I went into this chapter. We're going to go over to page 35,

first, second full paragraph, our first example, and I'm going to tell you something.

Well, actually this will be the second example because we're skipping 1. So this guy Jim,

y'all gonna love Jim, y'all gonna wish you to known Jim. Jim's real name was Ralph Furlong. He was in the 1st edition. His story was called The Prodigal Son and Jim is a who? I just love this guy

says that our first examples, one we're going to call Jim as a man, as charming wife and family. He inherited a lucrative automobile agency. His old man passed away and left him a Chevrolet store. Jim had a commendable World War record, right man he had, he had so much Garland on his own and and and salad on his on his chest. He'd done well in the Army. Jim's a good salesman. Sell anything. Everybody likes Jim. Everybody loved him. Jim's an intelligent man. So normal so far as we can see, except for a nervous disposition. Oops. Now Jim did no drink until he was 35.

In a few years Jim became so violent when intoxicated he had to be committed. Jim left to drink liquor and fight. Come on, He drank a glass of Scotch and kick your ass. And every time he did it, they had to lock him up.

I'm leaving the asylum. Jim came into contact with us. So he's at the treatment center, and he leaves and he calls a NA. We told Jim what we knew of alcoholism, about the first step, that he was powerless over alcohol, that his life had become unmanageable. And the answer we had found, we told him about step two. Yeah, we met. He. Jim made a beginning. Jim's family was reassembled. He began to work as a salesman for the very business. He lost their drinking. I'll be damned. So he lost that Chevrolet store 'cause he couldn't stay sober.

All went well for a time,

but Jim failed to enlarge his spiritual life. To his consternation, Jim found himself drunk half a dozen times in rapid succession. You know it, what Jim does when he drinks, he fights. So to this consternation, that's amazement or horror, to his horror, he found himself drunk 1/2 a dozen times. Because what did he do? He did step one. He took Step 2. But he didn't take that. He didn't make that vital decision in Step 3.

To his consternation, he found himself drunk half a dozen times. On each of these occasions we worked with him, reviewing carefully what had happened.

Ask him what you do, Jim. I only had one. Jim agreed he was a real alcoholic and in a serious condition, so he agreed once again to step one. Both proposals. Jim knew he faced another trip to the asylum if he kept on, so he knew if he drank anymore, he's going back to treatment center and moreover, he'd lose his family for whom he had a deep affection. He didn't want to lose his family again. He doesn't lost him one time yet Jim got drunk again. We asked him to tell us exactly how it happened. This is Jim's story. I came to work on Tuesday morning. I wonder where Jim was on Monday.

I remember I felt irritated. I have to be a salesman for a concern I once owned. He used to own this place and he's selling used cars now. He ain't even been a new car department and he says I had a few words with the boss. Boss probably said Jim, where were you yesterday?

Nothing serious.

Now I want to. I want you to this paragraph that we're reading. If you have a pen, you might want to bracket this paragraph. This is normal sane thinking. He's having a few words with the boss. Nothing serious. Nothing serious. Normal sane thinking. Then it decided to drive into the country. I'm going to see a prospect for a car. Normal, sane thinking for a car salesman. He's been out here before. He might find a prospect and sell a Chevrolet. On the way I felt hungry and I stopped at A roadside place where they have a bar

thinking for a hungry car sales. I had no intention of drinking, not a bit, just thought I'd get a sandwich,

you know? I also had the notion I might find a customer for a car at this place familiar. I've been going to it for years. Normal, same thinking so far. I had eaten there many times during the months I was sober. They had great Bologna sandwiches in this place. I sat down in a table, ordered a sandwich and a glass of milk. Normal, same thinking so far. Still no thought of drinking. I ordered another sandwich and I decided to have another glass of milk. This is normal same thinking for a real hungry car salesman. But if you'll notice, there's some squiggly writing coming up here. And what happened to him suddenly? The thought

lost my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk, it couldn't hurt me on a full stomach abnormal, insane thinking. I ordered a whiskey and I poured it into the milk. Of course he did. I vaguely sensed I was not being any too smart, but I felt reassured as I'm taking the whiskey on a full stomach abnormal insane thinking. Now the experiment went so well I ordered another whiskey and I poured it into more milk. Well, of course he did, because see that first one set up what the allergy of the body. He

have a choice.

I didn't seem to bother me so I tried another. Of course he did. He didn't have a choice before the 1st drink,

he was simply following the call of nature after this, after he had one. Thus started one more trip to the treatment center. Now here was the threat of commitment, loss of family and position, to say nothing of that intense mental and physical suffering which drinking always caused him. And here's some squiggly right Jim had much knowledge about himself as an alcoholic. He was fully convinced that he was powerless over alcohol, that his life had become unmanageable. Yet all reasons for not drinking were easily pushed aside in favor of the foolish idea that he could take whiskey if

he only mixed it with milk. It's called the obsession of the mind. Whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. There we go. Now, how can such a lack of proportion of the ability to think straight be called anything else? We're going to skip over to the top of page 39.

Let's take another illustration.

We skipped it and I apologize because we talked about test question one on the allergy, but you can go back to top of page 34 and make a bracket on that paragraph because it's test question 2, which is on the obsession of the mind. We skipped over that. Apologize for that 3739, I'm sorry. Second paragraph starts out by saying Fred. He's a partner in a well known accounting firm.

Fred is another guy who's an early member of A A. His real name was Harry B

and Fred's A He's a He's a white collar guy, blue blood. He's a partner in an accounting firm. Fred's income? Good. He's got a fine home, happily married and the father of promising children of college age. And Fred has so attractive personality, he makes friends with everyone. Once you meet Fred, you just love him. Fred's a good guy. If ever there was a successful businessman, it's Fred. To all appearance, he's stable, well balanced individual. Yet Fred's alcoholic. Oops. We first saw Fred about a year ago in a hospital where he'd gone to recover from

bad case of jitter. So a A shows up and he's in the treatment center snaking and shaking. Calls it the jitters. It was his first experience of this kind, and he was much ashamed of it. Far from admitting he was alcoholic, he told himself he came to the hospital to rest his nerves. Yeah, I'm in four point restraints for shits and giggles, but I got, I got this one. I'm good. The doctor animated strongly that Fred might be worse than he realized. For a few days, he was depressed about his condition. Fred made

his mind to quit drinking altogether.

Fred. Yeah. Now, it never occurred to Fred that perhaps he could not do so. In spite of his character and standing, Fred would not believe himself an alcoholic, much less except a spiritual remedy for his problem, if you would. This is a in the South, where we're from, they call this guy much man. Very proud. Very proud. He could whip any problem. He's a strong moral fiber, and that's what this guy is.

We told him what we knew about alcohol, told him about the first step. Fred was interested. Is this Fred or Jim? Yeah, Fred was interested, and he could see that he had some of the symptoms. But I'm a long way from admitting that I could do nothing about it myself. He was positive that his humility, experience, plus the knowledge he'd acquired would keep him sober the rest of his life. Self knowledge would fix it. He wouldn't even look at the second step. Why would he? I ain't got that problem. We didn't hear from Fred for a while. One day we were told he was back in the hospital,

quite shaky. He's back in the treats, that treatment center, all shaking and snaking. He soon indicated he was anxious to see us. Call them fellas from my damn it. The story he told is most instructive. For here was a guy absolutely convinced he had to stop drinking, who had no excuse for drinking, who exhibited splendid judgment and determination and all of his other concerns, yet flat on his back nevertheless. We'll let him tell you about it. You know, I was much impressed with what you fellow said about alcoholism

and I frankly did not believe it would be possible for me to drink again. I rather appreciated your ideas about the subtle insanity which precedes the first drink, but I was confident it couldn't happen to me after what I had learned. I reasoned I was not so far advanced as most as you fellas, that I had been usually successful in licking my other personal problems and that I would therefore be successful where you men failed. I felt that I have a right to be self confident. It was only a matter of being

matter of exercising my willpower and keeping on guard. Every time he exercised his willpower, he ended up in the jitter joint.

I like the way Fred's talking about it. Basically what he's saying is, thanks for sharing. I got this in this frame of mind. I went about my business and for a time all was well. I had no trouble refusing drinks, and I began to wonder if I had not been making too hard work of a simple matter. One day I went to Washington to present some accounting evidence to a government Bureau. He's probably going up to Washington to see the IRS. I'd been out of town before during this particular dry spell, so there was nothing new about that. You might want to underline the words dry spell. This guy's a fire hazard. He's

drinks a bad. Basically, I felt fine. Now that I have any pressing problems or worries, my business came off well. I was pleased and I knew my partners would be too. It was the end of a perfect day, not a cloud on the horizon. Fred is so proud of himself, his chest is all puffed out. He's made that call back to home, back to the home offices of fellers. I've made us a bunch of money today. Fred is under the delusion that he knows what his relapse is going to look like.

And that is a scary place because everybody in this room has this has at one point in time envisioned what a relapse will look like.

Like I'm going to be able to see it coming, like it's going to kick open the front door and take hostages. My experience is that's not how relapses occur. Relapses don't usually kick up in the front door and take hostages. They usually slide around the back door, start sliding in a piece of furniture here and a lamp there. Next thing I know it's moved in and I need a drink. I don't, I didn't even see it coming. And you know he hits that old saying that a relapse start months before the 1st drink.

You know I stopped going to meetings just enough. I stopped praying

just enough. I stopped calling my sponsor just enough. I stopped 12 step work just enough. All of a sudden, that subtle insanity comes back and I drink.

But it doesn't. It doesn't like that. And so, once again, Fred's about to tell himself why I went to the hotel and I leisurely dressed for dinner. Here's some squiggly writing. As I crossed the threshold of the dining room, the thought came to mind. It would be nice to have a couple of cocktails with dinner. That was all. Nothing more. I ordered a cocktail and my meal. The operative word is he ordered a cocktail. That's it. Yeah. Then I ordered another cocktail. Of course you did. After dinner, I decided to take a walk. I wonder where Fred went

Walk. Went to the ATM,

got to get some money and when I returned to the hotel it struck me an 8 ball would be fine before going to bed. So I stepped into the bar and I had one Fred's full of. He's lying, he's so full of it. I remember having several more that night and plenty the next morning. So when he went to the barn he got that highball, come on, he got a handle jug to go back up to the room with. He said he had plenty that night and several that night and plenty more the next morning because he didn't sleep. He was in love with that handle Jack, he says. I have

shadowy recollection of being on a plane bound for New York, finding a friendly taxicab driver at the landing field instead of my wife. My brother was a very flamboyant gay man. He was in the fellowship. He 12 step me. But the thing was, when his name was Talmadge and when he would drink, he'd pick up the phone and call people at 3:00 in the morning, family members, and tell them about their incestuous behavior and shit.

So when Talmadge would come out of a blackout, he had a path of destruction and people on fire want to kill him all across the country.

So what happened? Here's what I imagined with Fred. Freddy's all drunk. He's he's sucking on a handle jug back in his room. He's lit up. He calls her up. He's. Let me tell you something, bitch

you about your Mama and your sorry sisters.

So he says he has a shadowy recollection to be on this plane and there's a friendly cab driver waiting on him at their spill, 'cause she's done. Said I ain't picking him up,

so he gets in his cabin. What happens? The driver escorted me about for several days.

You ever rode in the cab? What? What would it cost from say

for a 15 mile cab ride? 30 bucks, 40

Fred's in a cab for days. You think he probably found an alcoholic cab driver. He's buying this guy Toot every now and then, you know, he says, I know little of where I went or what I said and did. Then came that hospital with unbearable mental and physical suffering. So he's back in the treatment center, he says, as soon as I regain my ability to think. I went carefully over that evening in Washington. Not only had I been off guard, I'd made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not

of the consequences at all, could not, with sufficient force, bring in the the horror and the humiliation.

Yesterday or the day before last week, I had commenced to drink as carelessly as though the cocktails were ginger ale. I now remembered what my alcoholic friends had told me. They had prophecy that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come. I would drink again. They had said that even though I did raise a defense,

it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Why is that? Because, see, Fred conceded to the step one, but he never took step two. He never came to believe that a power grading himself could restore him to sanity. One is as far as he got.