Carl H. from Hollywood, CA speaking in Calgary, Canada

Hi, my name is Carl. I promised Chris I would do something. Hold on a second.

Marjorie, thank you so much for inviting me down to speak or up to speak. I consider this a great privilege and I tell you something like this. I can't tell you how valuable it is to me and I hope it's of some value to you. If anyone gets called out during this, I have a three minute version which I like to give you so you'll get the picture.

It's an analogy, and as you know, analogies are never perfect, but this one's pretty good.

Before program, I was very much like the family dog,

absolutely important member of the family and lovable as can be. And do anything you wanted to do.

I could run errands, I could fetch, I could guard you. You know, dogs can be detectives. We can sniff things out. We're rescuers. We rescue people in the snow in the Swiss Alps. We have convenient little kegs of Brandy around our throats to enable some people,

and dogs, of course need to be taken care of a little bit. And we have to be taken out for walks and a good run. And if you're not ready to do that, that's OK. We can wait and wait,

wait, wait. And when you're finally ready, you are so grateful. So grateful.

But that was before program. Now, nearly 20, three years later, I am much more like the family cat.

I'm just as lovable

and just as important. Member of the family is that damn dog.

And I love you and you love me. I share my life with you and you share your life with me. But you are not my life. I have a life.

I won't do everything you want me to do. Well, do a lot of things that I want to do,

and if you're in trouble, I can't rescue you.

But I'll listen to you and I'll make you feel better just by listening. And I'll jump into your lap and make you feel good. And I put my arms around you and I'll tell you I love you and I'll purr and you'll feel better. But don't ask me to do that when I'm napping.

You wait until I get up

and then I probably am hungry and I have to go have a bite to eat. So you just wait a little bit and after that, you know, I've been drinking, I have to wash up, you know, that's what we do. And if it's near 3 o'clock, you know, I go out the back door and I have to inspect the backyard.

I've got work to do out there. They're expecting me. I got my chase and I got birds of the scare, and there's a nasty dog about four houses down. I give him obedience lessons every day

and when I come back maybe your problem would be all solved and we won't even have to bother with it.

But if we do, I'll jump into your lab and I'll I'll put my arms around you and I'll hug you. Well, that's the end of the end of the analogy. Meow.

And now for the longer version,

about 20 years ago, I was stopped for speeding somewhere in Alabama. And I was sitting in the front seat with a cop, and he was writing up my ticket. And he said to me, you don't have faster, we're going. And I said, yeah, about 85. And he said, well, the radar said 83. I said, OK, fair enough. And he said we never stopped people here unless they're going over 79. I said, you know, I really wish I had known that, you know,

And then he said, so why were you going so fast? I said because I thought I could get away with it.

And this guy froze. He said

nobody's ever said that to me before ever. If I could tear up the stick and I would, I can't. I said that's all just my luck, but that's OK. And he said, So what makes you so honest? And I said, and I thought for a minute and I said, you know, I've been in a program called Al Anon for about two years and I pretty sure that's where it comes from. He said, what is that Al Anon? So I gave him said a little something. They had another question and I said a little more,

another question, some more more. I spent 20 minutes talking to this cop about Alan on an A A the 20 minutes ISA is speeding. I give it all back to the cop,

and I knew that he was not asking those questions out of vital curiosity and he wasn't asking for his cousin. It was for him. And he knew that I knew, and I knew that he knew that I knew. And what? We never said anything. We're still doing John Wayne, you know,

And we got finished finally, and he had to meet a ticket to sign off on. And I started doing. I said, my gosh, you got me down here for 61 miles an hour. He said, yeah. He said it's the reason for that is you see the traffic fines here are just incredibly steep.

And he says, would it cost you about 360 bucks? And he says this way it's still going to cost you 90. So that's the best I could do. And I said, well, thank you, Thank you very much. I really appreciate that. And he said thank you.

I got into my car, he waited till I got started at a big U-turn wave for me from across the street, blew his horn. It was like we were all friends. And I waved back and blew my horn like we were all friends. And I got back on the road and had continued on my way to my destination, which was New Orleans,

doing 79 miles an hour.

And I was feeling great. I was feeling Absolutely Fabulous. And why? Why? Because I've been working in steps, the principles of this program. And when we were wrong, promptly admitted it took responsibility for my own actions, carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs. And also, I'd save 270 bucks

and before program I would have been angry as hell.

I've been screaming up there and say where was that cop? And all those people were passing me. I was doing 85, they were doing 95905. Where was that cop? What are you picking on me for? For $360.00? I'd have been going on and on like that. I would have been bent out of shape and angry as hell,

but the program takes my bad decision to be, you know, to speed in terms of it into something worthwhile. Some good comes out of this. I even get to feel good about myself. And it starts out, You see this program, it does what The Alchemist could not do in the Middle Ages. It takes lead and turns it into gold. It takes my bad behavior and turns it into some good comes out of it. I like to think that there's a cop somewhere in Alabama who's sitting on an island on me. So, you know, it's funny how I got here. Give a guy a ticket once. I don't know if that's true or not,

but you know, it's not unlikely, not at all. Now about in the 90s, a woman in Al Anon asked said something to me and I immediately relapsed as if I had never been to a meeting before in my life. She said, Carla, I have a situation at work and you are the solution. 911 this is Carl. How may I help?

What was wrong with me? I don't know,

but a quick check of my college background and my credits and a quick exam and I was suddenly a counselor in anger management. Hello.

With absolutely no experience. And I was going to work for this lady and I was going to work with men who have been convicted of domestic violence. And instead of going to jail, they came to anger management once a week for an hour and a half for 52 weeks. And they paid for it. And they didn't want to be there. Well, later on they did, but they didn't want to when they started out and they got it wiped off their records. These were not the worst cases. The worst cases went to jail.

But the woman said to me, we got a lot of newcomers here and you know, with newcomers, you know, they were in denial. It's not their fault. It was the Whites fault or the girlfriends fault and all that. And we got to get them over that denial. And they need a man as a counselor. This lady has left and I decide they need and you're the guy. And she got me so enthusiastic about this. Well, you know what, Alan? Odds are like if anything is worth doing, it's worth doing to perfection

the alcoholic. If anything is worth doing, it's worth doing to excess.

But if you think about a human being on perfection, you know, perfection is a little excessive. So really the other side of the coin of the alcoholic. I mean, we're crazy too without drinking. But I was going to be the greatest counselor management at Southern California had ever seen. Why, one day there'd be a little statue, perhaps a modest statue, up in Sacramento

he wiped out, you know, and that was a week before, but two days before

the woman got together with me. And she gave me the case histories and I looked at them and

how can I talk to these guys? They're also different

range in age from 19 of the 70. It all walks of life. You name the race, that was it, national ethnic background. So different. Here I am Wasabi. How am I going to talk to some of these Latino guys? How am I going to talk to a day laborer? I had a college professor there. I had guys with two strikes on him. And I'm starting to get worried. And because you know that first encounter when you meet them, if you don't connect with them, nothing happens. You may lose them. And it's important to get through to them because domestic violence once it starts, doesn't go away by itself.

And then she added in, she says, oh, there's one guy there not for domestic violence. Oh, great. Is his parole officer wants him to go to anger management. I said parole over what he do. Well, he was in prison for 13 years. I prison for 13 years. What did he do? She well, you know, the grievous bodily harm, manslaughter and of the violent temperament. I won't have to talk to these people. I'm going to have to make a connection with these. I'm going to, you know, help them. I've never done this before in my life. And I thought to myself, this is another

mess you've got me into, Stanley.

And as we know, when Al Anon, we are our own Stanley's. And I didn't want to go through it, but I had to. What was I going to say to these guys in that first time around? I didn't know. But you know what? I have a higher power and I call him God. I don't know if he's God or not, but I just use the word God. That's it. I talked to him. I pray twice a day, thank you in the morning, thank you at night. And when I have a problem, I trotted out

and I meditate and I say, here's the problem, I need help. What am I going to do? What am I going to say to these guys?

And then it's like magic. It's as if I'm taken by the hand and I've LED up the mountain and there's the guru. And I say the problem again. And this guy looks at me and he says, you silly man, you know what to tell them. It's in your program.

Yeah. And I knew. And I couldn't wait. And as a rainy, cold night, and I got over to this claustrophobic little room for this critical first encounter, windowless, terrible room, 20 guys, and they were waiting for me. Boy, were they waiting. And here's what I hit them with.

I said, my wife and I been together for nearly 40 years and we have a great marriage.

We get along beautifully. We don't fight, we don't argue, we don't raise our voices to each other, We don't tease each other. We get along beautiful. We like, we love each other, We respect, admire each other. We even like each other. And what's interesting is my wife is an alcoholic. Hello.

But she hasn't had a drink since 1981, and back in the days when she did drink,

she didn't drink all the time. She's what we call a periodic.

Sometimes you wouldn't drink for a year, six months, six weeks. Life was good, marriage is great.

Better now. Now everything is great. Really, everything. When I say everything,

gentlemen, I am talking about everything.

But then what? She did drink, you know, it wasn't always so hot.

And I never knew which Sarah I was going to get. Sometimes it's OK, sometimes not. She had beyond a certain amount. She went into blackout. I didn't know that at the time, but way back 40 years ago, we came home from a party in Hollywood. We were trying to make some connections for our careers. And she didn't behave too well. I mean, she didn't say this, but she was very funny. Very funny. But you do not say to a producer's wife, you know, that ladies who were moo moo's look like cow cows.

I mean, this is funny, but you don't say it to the producers wife. You know, who might I have a shot at maybe getting a job from him? No. So I was kind of, you know, just a little bit angry when we got home, just a little bit. And fortunately she went into bed and I just put on some music, had a glass of wine to calm down. She came back into the room and she starts it on me as if I had done something wrong. I hadn't done anything wrong. I didn't know she was in blackout. She read the riot act to me, accused me of things that were completely untrue, pushed every button I had drove me up the wall

wouldn't listen to me. I still that is screaming stop you. What the hell are you talking about And I pretty good her attention and I picked up a chair and threw it across the room and it didn't she didn't phase her. She didn't even notice it. And then I walked across the room and I gave her a backhand across the face. And then she stopped.

And that was the first time in my life that I'd ever hit another human being, except in self-defense.

And except as a kid, that was maybe once,

and I swore that would never happen again. She didn't know what happened. She little red mark on her face the next day and I told her what happened and I apologized. She didn't know what she said.

I swore it would never happen again.

So six months later, when it happened again,

I realized that once the animal is out of the cage, it's hard to get him back inside.

And I said this better never happened again. But it happened again. And that was it for me. And I went off and I found a counselor. It turned out to be a psychiatrist. You know what, guys? He cured me in one session. Never hit my wife again. She never had to worry about it ever again. Hewitt, one session. Beautiful.

I told him what happened. I told him about all the buttons he she pushed, why I lost it, This, that and the other thing. He said yeah, pretty tough, pretty bad. Yeah. He says, well I'll work with you. He said I'll give you 2 alternatives. What do you want to be a bully or a real man? I said what are you talking about? He said you lost it with your wife. You're bigger and stronger than she is.

Wait on deep. You know that if you lose it, you'll get away with it, he said. But if I bring in a guy here next week who's 7 feet 4 and 350 lbs and he wraps a hand around your throat and he could throw you against the wall and break you in half, I get him to push all your buttons and get you to the point where you were just going twice as mad as Sarah ever made you. At what point are you going to lose it? And all often hit him, I said. I get the picture

and from that point on my wife never had to worry about me hitting her again

because he said real man or bully. I said real man. Now I got just as angry again in the future many times, but this guy showed me how not to act it out, what to do with it. That little thought experiment was right there. I didn't want to be a bully and every man in this room has a one time or another in his life in a bully.

And that's good news for you guys because it means I know what I'm talking about.

And that's good news for you guys twice, because it means I know what you're talking about. So you want to work with me, Let's work together. And if you don't, shh.

And we started to work together.

Within a month I had four guys in Al Anon.

The group was cooperating. They were working beautifully. One guy was a holdout. He was from a foreign culture, I won't name it, where wife meeting and child meeting was a national sport.

And he didn't want to understand that the group got on his case and said you don't live there anymore, you're an American now. And even he started to come around and that ex convict finished up his year. Yeah, I had him for three months. He did his exit exam. He graduated. He came back to me and he said, Carl,

thank you.

I've never listened to another man before in my life.

My old man, my uncle with drunks, the parish, the priest and the church was sleeping with half the women in the parish

and who wanted to listen to them,

He said, But you came in that first night and you blew me away, He said. You blew all of us away. We were talking about it when you left. And he said, and I've listened

and he said I'm responsible for what I did

and for what I do.

I don't ever have to do it again. Thank you for giving me my life. And he walked away. I went into my office and I sobbed.

Me,

me. Turn a guy's life around

may help these guys become real men. No, with me.

Oh, it was this program.

It was these steps

I shared, part of my fifth step with these men. That's all I did. One drunk talks to another, one Helena talks to another one, the vestally violence talks to another. I learned that in this program,

if I hadn't done a four step, I never would have had a fifth step if my sponsor hadn't made me put my name on the list and forgive myself for that behavior years earlier, He said. You can't hold yourself hostage for that. You can't go back and change your past. But he said, but you had the guts to change your future. Give yourself credit and let go of it, for God's sake.

And I did. And that meant I had no secrets. If we're as sick as our secrets, I didn't have any secrets in these guys or from you or from anybody.

And that's the magic of the program. Once again,

out of my rotten behavior 40 years earlier,

I get the feel terrific about myself. This program takes that rotten behavior and turns it into something worthwhile, LED into gold. The magic of the program, it says somewhere in the big book, no matter how far down the scale we have gone, our experience can be of help and benefit to others. And so it was that those are my miracles. And I've got more.

My first meeting they were talking about the steps and I didn't want to. If I would have heard a guy talking about this stuff, I said yes, that's fine, that's why. What's it got to do with living in the drunk for 25 years?

You know, because I couldn't make the connection. Early on, my wife stopped drinking, but she escalated into pills. And at one point she, at the urging of a psychologist, she said she would treat her if she got rid of all the medication she was taking. And for six years, I was in the dark again, in denial and getting screwed as usual, not knowing what was going on. But at least she didn't fall down for six years, that was OK. And when she was on speed, man, could she do housework? Unbelievable.

And so she went into a detox for 28 days, and I took her to check in at the administration desk. And I must say that on the outside I was serene and helpful and supportive and way down deep there was something gnawing away. Identify it now as saying, why is it always about her? What the hell is this? First, you know, she's a drunk, and now she's a pill head. And you know, when is it my turn? I've been a good guy all my life. I did what my parents said. I obey the law. And all this crap goes on. That's all down there.

So you might say that it was a little bit angry,

but on the outside is cool, cool Carl, you know, and she's walking down the hall and the tottering to 28 day lockdown and the emissions there said will you help? And I said sure. She said here, this is for you for 28 days. And there were seminars and things that go to and I said, I'll go to them and find all of that stuff. And there's a case psychologist. I said, fine, she'll need it. And she said, no, no, it's for you too. And I said, that's all right, that's fine. And she said, of course you'll go to Al Anon. And I said, what is that? She said oh, that's for your disease, honey.

Oh, I was already feeling so terrific. Anyway

the the conversation after that can only be described as brief

and and spirited.

So I back I got into the elevator and I turned around as the doors are sliding shut she said go down at the basement and turn left. There's an al Anon meeting in progress and as the doors were sliding shut I wanted to give her the Sicilian sign and she missed it and that made me angry. So the buttons are sticking out on the elevator. So I gave the 1st floor button a big healthy left jab and the door and the elevator went down and the doors opened up

and it was in the basement. What

are you doing to me? I said, OK, I'm here. And I walked past, turned left, walk past the morgue and it is meeting in progress. And it was a packed house, fortunately and as one seat way in the back. So I had to go through in front of all the people. And fortunately this meeting was coming to an end because the first thing I heard drove me wild. Hi, my name is Rebecca Sunnybrook Farm and

oh, I would made amends to my alcoholic. It was so beautiful that day and we've been so happy. So

I and I listened to some more of this drivel and I wanted to get out there, but I didn't want to go in front of all those people again. So I waited. I waited and finally we get to the to the closing and hi, I'm your leader, Goody 2 shoes and she reads the al Anon closing and she gets to the pride for all of those who know it, she says.

And for the newcomer, we aren't we aren't perfect. I say, yeah, you got that right.

I thought you may not like all of us.

You all come to love us in a very special way, the same way we already love you

so. So we stood up and we we said that you surrendered for and I tried to get out and it was a hammer lock from the left and A and a half Nelson from the from from from the right. You know, you know, this is the Al Anon hug. Don't let the newcomer escape.

And especially a guy you know.

And I said no, no, no. I don't even help. You know, my wife, she doesn't drink anymore. She's up there. No more filthy. She said, here's a new cover I don't need. I don't think they keep coming back. Keep coming back.

I went home and for lack of anything to do that night, they staring at the cat.

She made me feel guilty. I don't know I read understanding ourselves. They might have just said dear Carl and they put my life history right there. You know, I felt responsible for her alcoholism. I got angry at her alcoholism. I blame myself. You know, I counted the drinks. I did this, I did that and it all all the wrong things for the right reason. I loved her,

but I messed things up and I made it a little worse and I thought,

hey, I better stop doing this. I can't keep doing this.

First day I'd like the drunk who was told that you can't drink anymore because if you do, you're going to die in six months. And he says OK, I quit. They're pretty rare,

but on the Alaunite counterpart now, I didn't get into the steps or anything like that, but I got out of her face. I actually was in step one. When it says we're powerless over alcohol, it translates to this. Al Anon is mind your own business, stay out of her face. And I did. I started it from day one and it changed our relationship and it got better and better the more and I stayed out of her face. You see what

alcohol brings out the worst in the alcoholic and the worst in the people around them.

And when you have an alcohol, you're living with an alcoholic. And when they're drinking, they behave like a 2 year old brat. Now, if I had control issues, they really came out when she was behaving like a 2 year old brat because that turned me into an angry parent and I wanted to stop this nasty, stupid behavior.

And now I had control issues because I controlled everything about her. You know, you become like that. And so I was working on not being in control. And I said to her one day, I'm working on not being a troll. I don't know, always when I do it. Would you be willing to tell me when I do it to you? And she said, oh, would I?

And you know, the first thing she said to me, we had one car at the time. She said, we go to drive when this is two of us, you always drive. Why is that? I said, I don't know. I guess because I'm in control, you know? She said yes. She says I get to drive to. I said OK,

and so I learned to become a passenger while my wife was driving.

And Sarah drives

differently,

to be honest. She drives well, but she doesn't drive the way I do. You see, it's my problem. And I sit there as a passenger, you know, putting the brakes on when she wasn't and making the red light when she wouldn't. And, you know, it was my problem. I had to stop and I had to look out the window and bite my tongue until it was bloody, bloody. And the other thing is when the person is driving, we don't tell them where to go or how to go. They're in charge. I go to the airport from my house. I know exactly how to go zip zip on the LAX in no time, even with traffic.

We she drove us one day and I thought we were going to Catalina Island.

And so I'm looking out the window. I don't want her to see the blood coming out of my tongue

and finally I relaxed and I started to enjoy the ride and going through some section of Westwood or Lai spotted a little turned out to be a little gem of a French restaurant way stuck somewhere never would have found it if we hadn't been going to the airport Sarah's way. And I learned the lesson that day that my way is not the only way, not only how to get to the airport. There's more than one way to do that, but in all kinds of things, and I never looked back. Our marriage was just going great. I wouldn't tell her what to do for anything. She

across the street and look both ways without me telling her. I don't even tell her how it's raining Dr. Carefully. No, for me that's an Al Anon slip. You're going too far, said a lady one day. She says I tell my husband to do that because I love him. I said when I want to tell my wife I love her, I have ways of doing it. It's not to tell her what to do. I'll give her a big smoochy before she goes out the door and she'll want to come back for more and boy, she'll Dr. Carefully to get some more.

So about six months into the program, I'm ready to leave. My al Anon condition is what I call it was hammered into submission and our marriage was great. And if we to continue that way, it would have been fine. Millions and millions of marriages would love to have what we had even with that. But I happen to bump into the psychologist on occasion and she had me into her room and we chatted a little bit and funny things happened. You know, it turned out that my childhood was a little dysfunctional. I hadn't realized that.

Is there anyone here who comes from a non dysfunctional family? If so, would you kindly leave the room?

I thought my childhood was normal as anybody else's but the I don't wanna be labor it. But the critical part was between the ages of five and about 12 and my mother's, it turns out, was an untreated al Anon her Her father was a raging alcoholic, and my dad grew up with three sisters and his mother. His dad died when he my dad was about 3, and he deferred to to my mother and she this rager between in those ages. I don't know what what happened, what it was, but I was loved. I was nurtured, I was cared for. I was

given everything and if I did something wrong, I had a whack across the face. I got screamed at, yelled at with a closer stripped off. And she had my dad beat me with a leather belt, even to the point where neighbors were screaming. If that doesn't stop, we're going to call the cops. And this if I was perfect, everything is fine. She wanted perfect. I tried to be perfect and that was the problem. I had to look good. I had to find out what's going on, how to give them what they wanted, and I did. I tried to be the best little kid in the state of New Jersey

and unfortunately I took that kind of relationship out side just for my parents, my teachers too.

I wanted to please them. I did whatever I was told. It worked OK in education, you know, I sat there quietly. I did my work, I aced everything. I learned a lot. I had enjoyed school. It was great. I did that with everyone I met. What I was doing was soliciting their approval. I, I would March to their drummer because as a child, as a child, that was my weapon. That was my defense. If I got them to like me and approve of me and validate me, then they wouldn't explode and beat me up.

So they came very good at that.

So I had to find out what was going on and then I could make the move. So you would, you took the lead whether you knew it or not. And then I could, I could take this, make the second move. And that's how I was with women. If I saw a little glimmer of green light, then I could proceed. But I didn't March in and barge in on my home when I was, if I dated your teenage daughter, she was safe with me as long as she knew her. She had boundaries. And unfortunately, where I grew up, all of them had boundaries. And

so it took me, well, you know, I won't go into that.

And so when I met Sarah,

actually I met her six months before I met her. I saw her in her movie and she blew me away off the screen. I said, my God, what a great actor. That's wonderful, incredible. Wow.

Six months later, I dropped my picture in a theater somewhere and they called me back and I auditioned and I got the part. And I got a small part in this play on Broadway for my very first job. And I was under studying a Canadian actor named Bill Shatner.

And when he was out for about a week, I went on. I got to appear on Broadway, my very first job. Anyway, I didn't know anything about Sarah, but she showed up on the on the stage that day in the theater. And I heard that Husky voice in that English accent sliding. I was in love. Oh, man. But it's just unbelievable, I thought. But there's no hope here because as I learned, she was up here in the theater. They were writing parts for her. She had already been nominated for Tony

Drama Critic Awards. He won. Every hot guy on Broadway wanted her. Actors, writers, producers, wealthy guys, guys, 6 feet, so beautiful hunks, you know? And who was I? I was on the bottom of the totem pole. I was the first generation American kid, working class kid, blue collar from Jersey City. No hope here.

One day Bill was working on a scene that Sarah wasn't in it. She asked her who's the understudy. I like him to run lines with me. I got over there and we started to run lines.

I got finished running lines with her and she said my God you're good.

I got this from the goddess up there.

And there were other perks, you know, as we kept rehearsing, rehearsing, I saw, I thought like a green light.

I moved in. It was all over. It was there like 2 pieces of wreckage on the high seas. We came together,

but now we were a little more buoyant because we were larger volume

and there were perks with her. It turns out. Your shape of a theatrical family. Both her parents had stars on Hollywood Blvd.

I went out with her. I I met everybody had ever seen on television. I walked into Saudis with her on my arm and I was somebody. And that was the problem. All the normal things were there, the attractions, everything that was normal was there and that was good. But this was abnormal. She did for me what I should have been able to do for myself. I should have been able to validate myself professionally and validate myself as a man. I should have known that. But I didn't have that self-confidence in that self worth. I wasn't taught how to do that, brought up how to do that. I always had to get it from someone else,

so I got it from Sarah and she became part of Maine and part of my identity. And so when her alcoholism kicked in, I had to do something about it because that was me.

The identity, you know, in its own way, it's a little sick, you know? I mean, I know a lot of couples like that. I shouldn't go through life. You can't tell them apart after a while. And you never seen them separated. And when one person dies, the other one is dead within three weeks or three months because a half a person doesn't stay alive. But with us, we gave away our own personal selves to this unity. And it's wrong. Psychologically, it's not the best. And so I went ahead and did all the wrong things because of this,

and I didn't learn about it until I got into Al Anon and she got into rehab and I had this psychologist and she suggested that perhaps I continue with the program and go on to the second-half of step one, get a sponsor and do the rest of the steps. She said the therapy will do you some good

and I bought into it. So I found a sponsor and he began to work with me right away. First thing he said to me said Carl, wherever you shave on that mirror, put a little sign you are looking at the problem,

OK? And I did that and he said and get a 12 by 12 and start working on the first step. I said first he said, you know Richard, I got to tell you I'm really panicked about the 4th and the 5th. I don't know how I'm going to do that. He says I have a solution for you to get over the panic. You'll focus on step one.

Oh, OK. You know, this was a simple man. I'm complicated. He brought me down to earth. You see, when I first heard things like First things first say in the moment to do the next indicator stuff, I thought, what about? It's stupid slogans these people have is crazy. I like something more complicated. You know, you go to the guru and you say to him, you know, what is the secret to a happy life? And he says,

did you have breakfast this morning? Yes. Then wash your bowl.

Wow, that's deep. I get that. Yeah, man. What does it mean? It means First things first. Stay in the moment. Do the next indicated staff.

So I found the right guy to be my sponsor and he said to me, he said call, you're probably your own worst enemy. I said no, my first wife is still alive.

He said we're going to have fun doing steps. And we did. And by the time I got through steps 4:00 and 5:00,

I felt different. I asked myself a question one day, what kind of people will do a searching and fearless moral inventory of themselves and share it with another human being? You know what the answer is?

People like us, decent people who are trying to become better people. And for the first time in my life I didn't need someone to tell me that I was a decent person trying to become a better one. And the way down deep there was a sense of self worth and self respect developing on my own. And the further I went through the steps, the better it got. I got into the immense steps. My sponsor said amends to your mother and your father because they weren't on the list. I said, oh, come on, Richard, He said. Look,

I've got you forgiving yourself about your nasty behavior years ago. You're gonna have to forgive your mother for the same. And your dad, he said, make a list of all the good things they've done for you, all the good things you got from them, all the great roles that models that they were to you. And ignore the bad stuff, but make that list of good qualities that you got from them and the gifts you got

and then you'll be able to let go.

I said OK. And he said go into their lives, figure out who they are. And they did. They were wonderful people, wonderful people. My dad was was from Germany and he was in the German merchant marine. And in the 1920s, he got his first trip. He's about probably about 2021 years old, 1927, I think. He got to New York and he had shore leave and he went, he spent a lot of it in a German Jewish delicatessen on the West Side. And he had a great time with these people. And when his ship left, they left

without him. And he had a job in the deli, a room above the deli. And he learned to make the greatest potato salad in the world. And as he learned English, he also learned Yiddish.

Why was that a gift to me? Well, think about World War 2I German relatives over there. Germany was raging anti-Semitic. My household was completely free of anti-Semitism. He had a Jewish partner in business. I never given the baggage of that kind of bigotry. Yes, it was a gift and a gift of humor for my dad, the way he played with our language the way Viktor Borger would. He had a cunning little sense of humor that I loved. He he point out things

I could have seen but I wouldn't have you riding along the highway and there's a sign. Eat here, get gas.

Or if you think your waiter is rude, you should see the manager

and

may be aware of those things. You know, And in the last 10 years, I've been writing articles, you know, based on all stuff like this and getting unpublished. And it's only because my dad got me interested in things like that that I went ahead and all my life was interested in our language. And his humor was generally wasn't hostile. You know, he'd love stuff like, have you lived here all your life? Well, no, not yet.