The East Las Vegas group in Las Vegas, NV

Introduce our speaker, Adam T from Los Angeles, CA. Thank you. Thanks,

my name is Adam. I'm an addict

like to 1st thank the committee for asking me to come out and speak tonight. It's it's an honor and a privilege to be asked to participate in Narcotics Anonymous. Ultimately, it's a responsibility to give back what was so freely given to me. I want to welcome you guys that are new. If you're trying NA one more time, if perhaps you don't think this will work for you, if you really don't want to be here. I mean, I, I hate to say this, but I, I hated all you happy people. You know, I didn't, I would get released from treatment centers.

Last thing I wanted to do was, you know, get involved in this. I mean, a lot of people get loaded to fit in. I wanted to get away from everybody, you know, And

I mean, I did that walk of shame. I had so many key tags and chips. I stood up for 17 years. I mean, I, I could have played poker with them. All is ridiculous. And you know, I don't mean to be funny, but I did that walk of shame over and over and over again. And, you know, I would go into your head and look back at myself and think, what a loser. Why can't you get this? What's wrong with you? And I mean, I know the old timers were judging me. You know,

if you're new, we're judging,

right?

You know what they say, right? They say, oh, don't judge anybody in Narcotics Anonymous. You ever hear that? 5 minutes later they're telling to stick with the winners,

right?

You hear a lot of stuff in recovery that's not necessarily in the basic text. They'll tell you don't make any major decisions in your first year. Have you guys seen the third step?

That shit comes out of treatment centers.

Come on, Adam. Come on, Adam,

what's the other one? Oh, don't get in a relationship in your first year. No one knows if that works. No one's ever done it.

Now, now, I know there's a couple, right? There's always a St. in the crowd.

If you got a Halo on, don't let it choke you.

I

but the one I love is God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

And you know, if that was true, I wouldn't need God's help.

And the longer I've been separated from narcotics, the longer I've been in recovery, the more I've absolutely needed God's help. And Narcotics Anonymous has done for me what I could never do for myself. It's done for us collectively as a group, conscious, what none of us could do,

you know, And I never wanted to admit that I needed you. I think the most common thing that we say in recovery, the most important thing that we say in recovery is, yeah, me too. You know, I never really understood that because for me, like a lot of us, this is a disease of isolation. It's about being separate, different and alone,

you know, And eventually I started going through treatment centers, you know, and this isn't a plug for treatment. But by the time I finally got clean, I gone through treatment 28 times. And I remember telling my sponsor, you know, I went through treatment 28 times. I was hoping that would get rid of the guy, you know, loser. And he looked me right in the eye. And he says, you know, that doesn't make you an addict.

And I thought, you're kidding. He says no, it means you paid half $1,000,000 for our basic text.

And I wasn't laughing. I didn't think that was funny.

You know, My experience shows me that any scheme that attempts to shield the attic from temptation is doomed to failure. See, Treatment was a great place to fatten me up for another run,

but treatment never solved the problem.

And I always thought the problem is narcotics. And a guy said to me, you know, that little bag adult, that little bindle, that little crack pipe, if that's your problem, he said, you're probably not an addict. And then he said to me, if you're a real addict, the type that's described in the literature, your problem isn't narcotics. And you know what? It took me another decade to understand what he was trying to tell me.

Because from the time I was in junior high school, it was obvious that I couldn't live with narcotics.

You know, pissing in my pants, drooling on my desk. I mean, you know, 7th grade, everyone could see I couldn't live with narcotics. They used to call me space cadet. You know, everyone thought I was like, you know, Asian because I couldn't keep my eyes open.

You know, I could live with narcotics. But if you're an addict in recovery, the greater aspect of this disease is the fact that I can't live without narcotics,

and I have a mind that always takes me back to a bag of dope.

I have a mind that will argue with anybody about anything at anytime. You tell me it's blood, I'll tell you it's white. You tell me to go right, I'll go left with an attitude

right. I'll blame you the whole way. It's your fault,

that's why we say denial is. Don't even notice I am lying.

You know, when I do it in every aspect of my life, I don't just do it with narcotics. You've been separated from from, you know, narcotics for a while. You know what happens, right? It, it manifests in all these other behaviors. Like we say, you know, I, I put down the spoon and what do I do? I pick up the fork. Next thing you know, I'm like, I can't see my feet

and I'm on my knees in step six and seven saying God, please remove this from me. I can't live like this anymore.

Then I put down the fork and pick up the credit card.

Now I'm going to fix what I did with a fork. Buying clothes.

I'm gonna hide it.

I'm in liposuction

and then I'm on my knees again in step six and seven in bankruptcy court saying, God, please, I can't live like this anymore.

Then you know what I do? I start acting out in the rooms. Can't go to that meeting again.

Can't go to that meeting again. It's no wonder there's 412 step programs. They're all identical except for the first half of step one. And you come into Narcotics Anonymous and you've got Alcoholics. Then you got addicts, then you got addict Alcoholics. Then you got alcoholic addicts that are somehow different, right? And then you got the dope friends in the back that are worse than all of us.

And if we don't have a common problem,

we don't have a common solution. I suffer from the disease of addiction. One program, one recovery, one message.

You know, and it's my experience now that when I straighten out spiritually in the steps, I straighten out mentally and physically in all the other areas. And I never understood that. And what I would do is I would play musical poisons in the first half of step one. Like we say, it's like changing seats on the Titanic,

you know, and never really address the problem. And I always thought the problem was narcotics,

you know, And it took a long time for me to really understand what this spiritual malady is. A malady that moves me into an obsession, an obsession that moves me into this allergy where I can't stop,

and an allergy that kills me. So I can't live with it. But the greater aspect of this disease, and if you're like, I really can't live without it.

And eventually I started going through treatment centers and, you know, I was in my final treatment center. I was 120 lbs. I had tracks from my wrist to my neck. I look like I just got out of a concentration camp, you know?

I was hopeless. I was dirty, I was lost. I'd let everybody down one more time. Remember that great feeling in detox?

You know, I've been on methadone maintenance for 10 years, you know, and this woman comes in on her H and I panel, you know, to do her H and I talk, you know, probably from the Liquid fellowship,

you know,

one of Clancy's crew, right?

Wearing a business suit,

you know, And she looks down at us and she says, if I could give you all the gift of recovery, I wouldn't do it. You know what I said? I looked at my friend. I said what a bitch.

And what she said was she said the reason I wouldn't give you the gift of recovery is because I wouldn't rob you of the journey.

And all of these years later, I understand that that journey to recovery, very much like that journey to surrender that each and every addict has to walk is personal.

And thank God we don't shoot our wounded in Narcotics Anonymous. This would be an empty room.

By the way, if you're new, I want to welcome you. We're the only people that want to reward because we ran out of a burning building.

Really happy you're here.

If you're sitting here tonight thinking about getting loaded, it beats the hell out of being in a dope house right now thinking about being clean.

And there's a lot of people that were sitting next to us that are out there right now thinking about this, you know, down on Fremont in the hotels. I know what it's like,

you know, it's difficult

sometimes to stay here, but it's almost harder to get back here,

you know? And for me, like a lot of us, the door evolved for a long time, you know, and then eventually it slams shut. And then I was shooting dope in county jail. I was getting loaded in treatment, you know, I was having people mail it to me,

you know, and all of a sudden I couldn't get back here.

You know, I was going to that clinic every single morning,

die into this thing, and the disease killed me every day, but it wouldn't bury me.

And if you're new, my sponsor said when I got clean, he said, I want you to buy a black suit. And I said, why? And he said, well, you're going to go to a lot of funerals. And then he said if you get loaded again, at least we'll have something nice to bury you in.

He wasn't nice to me,

see, But the reality is, if you baby the addict, you'll bury him.

Tell me the truth

that this is a fatal, progressive, chronic disease.

That this disease for me is like being on a train and the train only goes to one place. We know where it goes. It goes to jails, institutions and death. That's the only place the train goes

now. Right now we're at a station

and I feel safe,

but my experience shows me that I will get back on that train again.

You know, took a long time for me to really understand what it meant to be powerless. Because people say, what's your juggy choice? I'm like, what's your drug and no choice.

You know, I could put this down and that down, but you put that shit in front of me. I'm sitting in my pants,

you know, I can't say no.

And I'm very clear on that powerlessness. And people say, oh, don't use no matter what.

I'm like, why don't you join Nancy Reagans merry band of winners and just say no

when everything in my consciousness in my life demands that I stand and deliver. I show uploaded for weddings and funerals and baptisms.

I don't show up at all.

You know, I'm stuck in that hotel room. I'm stuck in that, you know that public toilet.

And I do that over and over again.

And it took me a long time to really understand that concept that I can't bring into my consciousness. All of that pain and all that suffering

that happened to me.

Took a long time for me to really understand that that journey to surrender that we talk about like that journey to recovery is, is really, really personal,

you know? And me, after spinning out of control and being in the rooms and going to the clinic and, and sitting in noon meetings and drooling on myself and taking other people out with me and doing all the despicable, diabolical, disgusting things that a lot of us have to do on that road to desperation. You know,

I wish I could give that to you if you're new. But see, that's the cover charge for Narcotics Anonymous.

That walk of pain, I hate to say it. That's why, you know,

it's only a buck.

Took a long time for me to get any kind of clarity that, you know,

that surrender,

it's the hardest thing in the world to have. You know,

now I do a lot of H and I, I shouldn't, right? I'm an alumni from everywhere.

And by the way, if you're new and you heard about Narcotics Anonymous in treatment hospitals and institutions, which is one of the committees in Narcotics Anonymous has the lowest relapse rate in all of recovery. You know, and what are the things that I started doing was taking these meetings and panels back into institutions, into prisons, into hospitals and into detoxes. And, you know, I have a panel up at the VA, which is the Veterans Administration.

And, you know, it's a really strange thing because, you know, getting a room about this size right, full of soldiers, you know, and you pick a topic like surrender,

you get dirty looks

and the room gets really quiet,

especially Marines.

But one of the greatest illustrations of surrender that I'd ever heard came out of one of those experiences. If you ever watch a soldier surrender, the illustrations perfect. You'll see him take the rifle, lay it down on the ground, sit down on the side of the road, wait for someone to tell him what to do.

When you got 40 AK 40 sevens pointed at your head, you don't throw down the gun with an attitude.

What's your relationship to narcotics? Huh.

You get caught looking at the gun, you know someone's going to put a cap in you, right? Am I looking back at narcotics? Am I looking back at the magic that I once found? See. Because if you have that reservation as an addict like I did, life has its moments. And for those very moments, I am willing to give my life

to recapture and recreate the magic that I once found in the bag.

That sense of freedom, that sense of peace, that sense of unity, that spiritual connection, that magic that I once found.

And my experience shows me that unless I can find that freedom and that balance and that focus that I sought through narcotics, through the 12 steps, there's no way I'm going to stay here.

Now, there was a guy by the name of Doctor Harry Tebow who is one of the contributing members to some of the original literature, and he talked about the difference between compliance and surrender. And I think you can look him up on the Internet. And you know, I've been in compliance to Narcotics Anonymous for years, doing it for sober living, doing it for the judicial system, doing it for the parole department, doing it for Family Services

where I live on the West Side. They do it for the trust fund.

But see, that concept of surrender, very much like that soldier that lays down that rifle is unconditional.

And I had to look at my relationship to narcotics that I couldn't stop once I started, that I couldn't stay stopped on my own, that I couldn't stop without a spiritual experience.

And I had this vine that always takes me back.

And for me, there was a huge difference between the act of surrender that got me into the program and into Narcotics Anonymous over and over and over again, and the status surrender that's keeping the old timers here. It's a completely different concept.

It's kind of like watching a swan glide across a pond of Stillwater. It looks so graceful. It it's so effortless, it's so smooth, it's beautiful. But you know what's going on under the water, right? He's paddling like hell

and people ask me what changed after going through treatment 28 times? What changed after being in the rooms for 17 years loaded?

And what changed is action

that I became willing to take actions in Narcotics Anonymous that I did not believe in. I became willing to set aside everything I thought about NA, about the 12 steps, about you, about me, and about God so I could have a new experience with this thing. And I started to look at it from a different perspective. I swear to God, if this was a roomful of dope dealers, you'd have every number in here.

That's why when Narcotics Anonymous started, they didn't want us meeting because most of us, a lot of us were felons.

But we're here for the purpose of recovery,

and you know, you'll never see anybody more willing to work the Narcotics Anonymous program than the addict that comes crawling in that door after a long, hard run. He'll do anything. 90 meetings in 90 days, right? He wants to get a commitment. He's got, what, 2-3 sponsors?

First they added detox. He wants to take the coffee pot home.

Fuck. That's how we lose half our literature.

You won't be selling that in the hood

and thirty 6090 days later that same addicts looking at me going man. You mean we got to go to meetings every day?

And just like the prize fighter that throws in the towel and says I'm done, what do I do? I take that towel back one little piece at a time. I take my will back,

and my experience shows me that the way for me to stay in a state of surrender is by coming to meetings regularly, by maintaining commitments, by being of service, by living in 1011 and 12,

and by taking actions continuously that I don't believe in until eventually my thinking and my perception changes.

And you know, I couldn't get, no one could give that to me. And I had to lose in every imaginable way before I could win with this thing.

And you know, it's like unplugging refrigerator. You know what happens if you unplug refrigerator, right? Everything goes bad.

It doesn't matter if it's twenty weeks old or 20 years old.

My experience shows me and if you unplug a refrigerator, everything looks fine for a while

and that's the trouble. I unplugged from Narcotics Anonymous and put a little more into work, a little more into the relationship, and my life looks really good.

But spiritually I deteriorate

and my experience shows me that the shower I took yesterday won't keep me clean today, that I can't stay clean on yesterday's program. There's a lot of old timers at a lot of years and they forgot how to have days.

That's true.

You know, my sponsor, it's, it's really strange because he told me if you're not willing to take people through the steps, you're gonna die.

And that was the whole point of the exercise. The work in Narcotics Anonymous was not working on myself. It was getting rid of self so that I could be of service to others, so I could reach into my community and help other addicts. And through doing that, I would find freedom,

and I didn't believe that until I experienced it. Then we can talk all day long about what gets us into these rooms. I think it's more important as addicts in recovery to talk about what keeps us here.

And you'll hear people's perception completely different. Oh, I ended up in NA and you look at them and you can tell

I didn't end up in NA. I came here to start a brand new life. And why do I come back to help you?

It took a long time for me to understand. See, there's two kinds of people in the real world. And I know I'm an offensive people tonight and I'm sorry.

There's givers and there's takers. 90% of the world out there is takers, 10% are givers. Now you come into Narcotics Anonymous, you think it's any different? Same thing, 90% takers, 10% givers. You don't believe it? Wait till they ask for cleanup tonight.

Start to wonder how many people actually register for this thing.

And we talk about the ties that bind us together.

My friend said it was like a sporting event. You got fans and you got players. And the players are the ones that set up the meetings, are the ones that put out the chairs. They're the ones that bring the literature. They're the ones that make the coffee. They're the ones that are on the committees. And then you get the fans. They're the ones that take the literature and take the coffee. And you know what? Narcotics Anonymous is the most dangerous spectator sport in the world.

Fear won't keep me clean. If you're an addict, you know, and you're new and you're a little scared, that's cool. But my experience shows me that getting the 3rd strike, living on the street, being homeless, losing my career, throwing away my education, losing my health, losing my family, losing my kids,

that's not enough to keep me clean. Did Scared Straight work for you?

Now we have what they call the recreational user. There is such a thing, you know, they stop Sunday afternoon.

But see, there's a big difference between they're the ones that break the pipes and stuff.

Now you get a recreational user and a real addict in a holding tank for, say, driving under the influence. You get 2 completely different philosophies going on.

You got the recreational user on one side of this cell thinking, man what I use so much last night I knew I shouldn't have used so much. Real addicts on the other side of the cell thinking why did I take the strip

now the court card. People never laugh at that shit.

They don't think that's funny at all.

Could have been a completely different Friday night for you

recreational users wife says you know if you don't get clean, I'm leaving you. Recreational user cleans up his act doesn't use in the house right gets a little Visine.

Now if my woman says to me, honey, if you don't get clean, I'm leaving you. You know what I'm thinking right? Thinking about single life.

And as an addict in recovery,

if you remember the way that I lived, like a lot of us live, if anything got in the way in narcotics, it was out of my life. Anything got in the way of the bag and I slowly compromised everything. I took jobs that would support my using. I picked women that would support my using,

and slowly it took it off.

But if anything got in the way of using, it was out of my life. And if you're an addict in recovery, if anything gets in the way of Narcotics Anonymous, it's out of my life. Now, that may not be your experience, but that's my experience. And I remember the, you know, if a woman gets in the way of my recovery, you know, I remember the first time I said that from the podium there she was in the back of the room.

She's like, baby, you don't look like an addict.

Where you got to go to all those meetings? You're not speaking again, are you?

Your programs getting in the way of our recovery, our relationship.

3060 days later, I'm having Thanksgiving dinner with her and her lovely family.

Head of the table. I'm all dressed up, outcomes the exotic wine. She's like, sweetie, you could have a glass of wine. It's just a glass of wine. Four more rehabs.

Shit, I stole a purse that night

and she came to detox with a get well card.

You know I did it to her again, right?

Like what, four or five more times?

Might have a couple girls like that in here tonight.

That's what they call codependency, right?

You guys know what the difference between a codependent in the toilet seat is? Toilet seat don't follow you around after you shit all over it?

What was that, a revelation or something?

Shit,

I might get killed after the meeting.

There's a program for you guys.

For her, a slip was 10 minutes of compassion.

I have sponsees that pay more in taxes than I make all year. They have these huge careers and these little tiny programs. You know what? I've never seen one of them stand the test of time here. What do I do for a living? I stay clean. What do I,

you know, what do I do for money? It's over there. And if I get them mixed up, I'm in handcuffs.

If I get him mixed up, I'm in an emergency room or I get both, I'm handcuffed to a journey

with a cop trying to get the rock out of my mouth. Right.

Oh, that might be a yet for you.

Shit can happen

so I got to take a look at that.

Self knowledge won't fix me. I've had every relapse prevention class known to man. You go through treatment 28 times. You've heard it all,

you know, And if you're new and you think you're going to learn about your triggers and you're going to learn about relapse prevention, I mean, you might. I mean, I remember being in relapse prevention class and I'm raising my hand. We're talking about triggers. I tell my counselor waking up to trigger for me.

I was asked to leave the class.

I'm disturbing the other clients

come up. I want to use right

so you know, there I am, behind a dumpster on Skid Row, drooling on myself with an outfit hanging out of my arm,

reciting how it works out of the basic text

and the bum next to me. He's like, will you shut up man? You're ruining my high

and I'm crying because I can't get back here because I've got a head full of Narcotics Anonymous. I got a bag full of dope and I'm separate, different and alone. One more time.

Oh, you think that sounds painful. You know, it's worse being in this room tonight, really being an addict and not working the 12 steps, that's worse. Coming to meetings late, leaving early, not having commitments, not being of service, not having a sponsor. That's worse. That's why I always wanted, you know, welcome or inspire the guy in his last 30 days. You know, we don't talk to the guy in his last 30 days. We say, you know, welcome if you're in your first 30 days. We had to say, you know, if you're in your last 30 days

because I mean, you can only spot the guy in his last 30 days. Just ask him how he's doing. I'm fine.

I'm like, why don't you tell your face that, bro? Jesus.

But the tragedy of that is later we hear, oh, you know, so and so on. He blew his brains out.

He died

and it ain't so funny, you know, when it's someone you love, You know, one of our dearest friends, you know, they used to take me to meetings and hang out with me. You know, I killed himself and it's like he came and heard me speak 10 times. It didn't help him

because knowledge won't fix me. I told my sponsor I had a degree when I got clean, he only said to me. He said you know what thermometers have degrees? You know what he stick those.

See, these 12 steps for me today are a set of principles. Only through application and practice will they relieve me of this obsession.

There's people that know more about the 12 steps and about the literature and about the readings and I'll ever know on Skid Row. Trying to get another hit right now.

And the difference between them and me is I got smart feet

and I'm not gonna unplug that refrigerator. And I'm gonna do today what I did yesterday, and I'm gonna do tomorrow what I did today,

you know. And because of that, you know, I've got some freedom.

See, the knowledge is necessary for me to win the confidence of a newcomer. Or the clergy couldn't do it where the therapist couldn't do it, where the drug and alcohol counselor couldn't do it, where the parole officer couldn't do it. Another addict was able to win my confidence because he lived like me.

Not just in the spoon, in the Brillo and the horn, but he lived my, like me, an untreated addiction.

And he could share that separation, that resentment, that selfishness, the dishonesty that addicts live with. He was able to share with me his experience, his strength and his hope.

And see, it's 1000 words. It means more than 1000 words. Like, you know, I see guys in my neighborhood and, you know, they're all strung out and they see me coming along. And the first thing they say to me is, man, would you get out?

You know, cuz in the only time we ever look like this is like, you know, a week after we get out

and I'm like, I've been out for years.

And then we talk about how that happens,

and then you hear it. Well, you know, my life really ain't that bad.

You know,

there's two kinds of denial for me. One is denial about the problem. But the greater aspect of denial is about the solution,

and we hear it. Most of us don't have to think twice about whether or not we're addicts. We're all nodding at that.

But will the steps work for me like they work for you?

A lot of people walk around, say Narcotics Anonymous doesn't work, and I go how many people were you sponsoring when you relapsed? Never heard it. Let's say we're doing one and 13

and you hear it. You know there's a clue. The clue is this. You know they say keep coming back. It works if you work it. You ever heard him say keep coming back? It works if you know it.

Another one I love. Oh, just think it through. Just play the tape through. I play the tape through back to Skid Row. And you know, my head tells me Skid Row wasn't that bad.

Just give me a toothless honey and a cardboard box. I can make it on Skid Row.

I got an ATM card,

they got dollar hits. Now,

normies don't laugh at that.

And you know, part of the scene in this convention is about insanity,

and I always thought insanity was doing the same thing and expecting different results. Isn't that what you hear around here? That's not the insanity I deal with as an addict. My insanity is doing the same thing, knowing exactly what's going to happen and doing it anyway.

Now, at least the other kind of insanity, doing the same thing and expecting different results. At least there was some hope there.

Now, I don't want to if I haven't offended you already, but you know,

for me to pick up a bag of doves, kind of like say, having sex with a gorilla.

Now if you have sex with a gorilla, honey, it ain't over till a gorilla says it's over.

You get that gorilla back in the cage. It starts looking at you again with those loving eyes.

Remember how I used to be?

I promise I won't hurt you this time.

Nobody's gonna know.

Just a tip, baby. Come on.

That's the insanity that I live with.

It reminds me of the polar bear we were talking about. This guy gets a rifle for his birthday, and one of his lifelong ambitions was to shoot a polar bear. So he goes to Alaska, where the polar bears are, and, you know, he sees this bear and he's got this new rifle. So he takes his shot and he kills a bear and he goes over to check out his kill.

Tap on his shoulder, bigger polar bear looking down at him, the polar bear says, you know, you just shot my son. You got two choices. Either let me have my way with you, or I'm going to mall you to death.

Couple weeks later, he's healing up in the hospital.

Now he's got a resentment, right? It's going to go back and get this bear. So he heals up,

gets back on the plane, goes up to the tundra where the bears are. He sees the bear, he takes his shot. He goes over to check out the bear.

Tap on his shoulder, bigger polar bear looking down at him. You just shot my uncle. He got two choices. Either let me have my way with you or I'm going to Moll you to death. Couple weeks later, he's back in the hospital, healing up again, you know, now this goes on and on, back and forth, back and forth. Couple years later he's up there, you know?

Sees the biggest polar bear he's ever seen, and it's the one. So he takes his shot.

He goes over to check out his kill. Tap on his shoulder. King of the polar bears looking down at him. And the king of the polar bear says, you know, we've been watching you.

You're not really up here for the hunting, are you?

Now that's a little message about the insanity of addiction

because I can remember being £120, you know, dying of this disease covered in tracks. And I'm looking, you know, five or six of my friends got me in the mirror and I'm saying I look great and I'm killing myself.

See, I'm driven by resentment. I'm driven by delusion. I'm driven by that selfishness. I'm driven by that fear

and it drives me back to an obsession,

an obsession that drives me into this allergy and the allergy kills me and I'm doomed to live that life over and over again.

Now, you see a lot of people that that come into Narcotics Anonymous. There's a lot of guys that I used with, you know, we did robberies together. We did all these despicable, diabolical things. And the weird thing is, as soon as they get clean, everything works for them. They put the bag of dope down, you know, and they fit in again. The career welcomes them back. They come to meetings once a year, never work a step, and their life gets consistently better.

They've been serene since their ass at the seat in Narcotics Anonymous.

That's not my experience. My experience, every time I put the bag down, the first thing they say to me is, boy, you need to be on medication.

Why you so angry? Why you so emotional? What's wrong with you? Why can't you sit still back there and I'm crying at dog food commercials?

See, when I'm not using, I have a whole nother set of problems.

When I'm not using, I'm afraid of misery and depression. When I'm not using, I can't control my emotional nature. When I'm not using, I can't manage my personal relationships. When I'm not using, I'm full of fear. When I'm not using, I'm of no use to other people

in untreated addiction. I'm basically unhappy

and the way that plays out for me is I don't fit in. I'm not. Part of you don't understand me. Everybody's in my way. Life's not treating me right. They're not paying me enough. I'm underappreciated. No one understands me. My woman's cheating on me. I gotta get loaded

and something magic happens. I pick up a bag of dope and I intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me.

Shit right?

Give me a couple of drinks. Fear of people and economic insecurity leaving. I'm buying the whole bar drinks. Hello, write your check.

Give me a couple Vicodin. I could comprehend the word serenity and I know peace.

Give me a little cocaine. I want to start a business with you

see, narcotics produces the illusion that my life is manageable.

It sets up an illusion that my life is manageable. And unless I can find that freedom, that balance, that peace, that focus, that sense of unity that I found in narcotics through the 12 steps, there's no way I'm going to stay here.

See, for me as an addict, narcotics was an artificial means to a spiritual experience.

These 12 simple steps are a practical means to a spiritual experience. You take the bag away from me. You don't give me something better. I'm a dead man

and it took a long time for me to really understand that, that I would slowly spin out of control because it was narcotics that gave me the courage to ask that beautiful girl to dance, to walk across that dance floor. It was narcotics that gave me the guts to go after that big job, to go after that audition.

Narcotics gave me the wings to fly. And unless I can find that freedom through this process, there's no way I'm going to stay here. And when I'm not using, I'm chasing you. 4 exits past my exit on the freeway.

I'm jumping up and down on your hood in traffic.

I'm counting your items in the checkout line.

Shit,

you got 11.

There was a guy that said the real problem here isn't narcotics. He said the real problem is a conscious separation from God. And then he pointed to the 11th step where you see the solution, conscious contact with God. And the bridge for me to 2:00 to 11:00 was steps 4 through 9.

And it took a long time for me to understand what a conscious separation from God was. I'll tell you one thing, I didn't want to pray. You know why? I didn't want God to find out where I was.

And I found out through the agnostic aspect of this disease is that, see, I believe there was a God, but I live like there wasn't one.

And eventually I was able to see that I believed in a Santa Claus God, that if I was good, I was going to get a reward.

Or if you get in the closet and pray for a hot dog, you know what? You'll die.

God can move mountains, but you better bring a shovel,

right? I tell my sponsors. Don't pray for women. God's not a pimp.

But see, eventually I came to terms with an evolutionary process that this was a group of addicts. It became good, orderly direction and at the other end of the steps it came the powerful hand of a loving God for me, like a lot of us,

and I can't give you that if you're new, it was a process of uncovering and discovering the things that were blocking me. There's a poem in Notre Dame and it says I saw my God, my God, I could not see. I sought my soul, my soul I could not free. I sought my brother and I found all three.

That's why we talk about the therapeutic value of 1 addict working with another is without parallel.

They asked Michelangelo how did you make the statue of David? And Michelangelo said it never made the statue of David. I just chipped away everything that wasn't David, and there he was.

And that's the process of four through 9.

You tell a little kid, go in your room and straighten out your room. He doesn't want to do that. You tell that same little kid, I want you to go in your room and throw out all your old stuff and we'll buy you new stuff. How long would that take?