The Northern Plains Group in Fargo, ND

Hi, I'm Paul Martin, some alcoholic

due to a God that will never help me, sponsorship that should not be trusted in a simple program of action that will never work anyway. I have not taken a drink since May 5th of 2001.

I was going to say too, I wanted to thank the other two speakers.

Ria did a bang up job, Sean, Sean did too. And I got to think that Sean made me remember something that I've been meaning to mention for a long time, and that is that we need to complete our sentences.

For example, sometimes I hear people say things and my sponsor told me to get on my knees.

My sponsor planted a seed

get with the other guys. He touched me inside.

We really got to finish what we're saying and complete, you know, the sentence,

'cause I could see how people that are new might come in and look around and be like what?

Just a thought.

I, I had to, I had to leave work early today. I had to go home and work on my, my pickup, which is why I got junk under my fingernails. I oh, see, that's where those go, not after where I lived because that's irrelevant. But I, I went home and had to work on my truck. My, my spark plugs were all screwed up. And so my truck was running funny. I was not firing on all cylinders.

Seems to run in the family

anyway, so I'm alcoholic. I got to thinking too and there's I'm going to open this book here. It's it's a, a book. God forbid someone should bring an, a, a book to an, a, a meeting. But I says that our description of the alcoholic chapter to the agnostic and our personal adventures before and after make clear 3 pertinent ideas. So I guess that I probably should describe what it means to be an alcoholic. I should probably describe a little bit about how I came to have a relationship with my higher power, and I should probably share some of my personal adventures both before and

after I sobered up because we don't want to sit here and listen to me Drunkalog all night. I would bore you with details you probably already taken part in half of

I'm alcoholic and what that means to me is this. When I take a drink of alcohol, I seem to get thirsty for alcohol. I have this thing called, and we term it the phenomenon of craving. There's medical terms that get a little bit more complex with it, but basically my body processes alcohol differently than a non alcoholic's body processes alcohol. When I take a drink of alcohol, I get thirsty. After a couple of drinks, I seem to be a little more thirsty. After several drinks, I'm really thirsty. And it seems to me that the more I drink, the more I seem to want to drink, which explains to me why I never seem to ever get enough to drink.

I had too much to drink quite a few times, but I never seemed to be able to get enough.

This phenomenon of craving that I have happens only after I take a drink. The phenomenon of craving is not what happens before I take a drink. Before I take a drink, I have this thing we call the obsession of the mind. There's lots of complex ways of describing that too, but when it comes to alcohol, I'm strangely insane. My mind listens to my mind discussing things in my mind about what we probably showed or shouldn't do, and we come to a little group consensus on things that would be a good idea without ever talking to anybody. Which, by the way, is why it's a good idea to have

a sponsor, because sometimes I misinterpret what I'm telling myself and things get out of hand. The obsession of the mind for me, however, tells me that somehow, someway, this time, I'm going to be able to control and enjoy my drinking. This time I'm not going to have too many. This time I'm not going to get in trouble. This time I'm not going to get on the phone after I've had a couple. This time I don't want to have to drink too many and come home drunk. Hans intercepted me earlier. I was telling somebody else's story about how, you know, I'm the guy who'd go over to somebody's house and

a couple of drinks and a couple of drinks and a couple of drinks. And I'd have to drive home. And I got a quick mind. I like memorizing things. I'm a pretty sharp cookie. And so I heard somebody one time when I was sitting around poking smart with this guy. And we were discussing how he had been served in the service in Germany. And he had come here and gotten good and drunk and on his way home had driven by a stop sign behind a tree. And a police officer, of course, had pulled him over. And, and he asked him, you know, can you say the alphabet backwards? And he started doing it in German because he'd been over in Germany.

Copter said, get home, you know, what the hell? But sitting there with my friend Rick, I thought to myself, you know, I couldn't do that sober. And I thought, wait a minute. That's why they're waiting for me to say, isn't it? So I had a good idea. I went home and I can I can memorize lyrics. Bloodhound gang. I could tell you TV shows backwards and forwards of all the stuff I've watched. I can recite all I got a partial photographic memory when it comes to stuff I hear, you know, I know hundreds of good a a talks. I could quote You Beautiful little clips from all day long,

but what I did is I went home and I thought to myself, I said, self, if they can do the alphabet backwards, you can. And so I went and I wrote it down in poetry form and I got to memorize it. And every morning I'd sit there, you know, smoking weed before I went to work because that's what I did on the way to work. That's how you get smart to work with electronics and voltage and and things that go bang.

That might explain a few things, come to think of it. Anyway, so I'd sit there and you know, for months I'd sit there and work on this. And after a while I got so good at it, I'd be over at somebody'd house. It was kind of my own little sobriety test. I'd have a couple of beers and a couple of more beers and I don't want to go home too drunk. So when they'd say, hey, Paul, do you want another one? I think ZYXWVUTSRQPONMOKJHGFEDCVI. No, I'm good. Give me one more and I would do that

until I could not do it anymore. And then I would drive home. And

as you all know, you see, you see three lanes on A2 Lane St. and have brief glimpses of other cars and trying not to swerve in front of the other cars. And I got the seat belt on and using the blinkers and I'm doing everything so precisely careful so I don't get pulled over. I never got a DUI. You guys, where do you get a DUI or not? Has absolutely no bearing on whether you're alcoholic. Non alcoholic get DUI's too. In fact, they probably get more of them. We do. They don't know how to drive drunk.

Just saying. You know, I got an upside down 15 minutes. Damn, I better talk fast. So

next morning I'd wake up and I'd go out and I'd have no recollection how I got home. I'd wake up in my bed and the last thing I remember as I was at Shorty's, I was getting loaded, you know. So I'd have to go out and, and look to see did I bring my car home or did somebody give me a ride? I don't even remember. I'd go out there, my car is there and it's parked in the garage and I got to go around the front and take a look, make sure there's no dents or Dings or anything else that

because I don't know. I don't know. I have these things they call blackouts. A blackout is when you have temporary amnesia. Parts of your day or your night are missing. And it happens to me when I drink alcohol, you know, So I got this obsession in the mind. I've got this phenomenon of the craving, and these things all seem to spawn from this thing we call a spiritual malady. I've got this void in my gut, this hole in my soul that it just doesn't seem to. Nothing feels complete, nothing feels right. I feel like something's missing.

And it wasn't until I was 15 years old and for the first time for me, I was, I was getting high on pot. You know, it was the first time that this reality was not the important thing. I was in another reality for a brief moment. And I realized that day sobriety is stupid. I hate that, you know, getting loaded is great. And I, you know, I know my mom's an alcoholic, so I didn't want to be a drunk like my mom.

So I did my very best to do marijuana maintenance for quite a number of years. And I would drink and anytime that I drink, I seemed to drink too much and I seemed to have too much. And I drink, I'm a puker. You know, first time I drank, I put myself in the hospital after drinking probably about 1/5 of vodka on an empty stomach. I hammered 232 ounce screwdrivers that were about 8090% vodka because not because I was alcoholic, because I was stupid. I didn't know what I was doing. And, and good God, I never want to do that again. You ever get drunk and tell yourself, oh, I'm starting to feel queasy, I should have something to eat?

I one day out in Woodland, Wisconsin, thought to myself that it would be a good idea to find some food because I was getting a little bit of the rule. And so I went and I found this bag of Doritos and I ate damn near the whole bag of Doritos 20 minutes later when I was vomiting jagged shrapnel

blood

and having those all over body shivers you get when you know you're going to die. I, I never did that twice. So those are some of my adventures before, you know, some of my adventures after I come to Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't mean to come to Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't intend to get sober that day. I was on my way to the nut ward because I'd,

I'd, I'd realize that something was wrong and something was missing. I can't drink and I can't stop. You know, when I drink, I get thirsty. I drink too much and it can't be sober. That's the one thing I can't seem to do is stay sober. I don't have a drinking problem. I have a sobriety problem. I have a problem with being sober for too long around you, for too long around other people. I have trouble with doing my job and going home and not getting loaded. I have trouble with going out to the store and coming home and not getting loaded. I get loaded over anything. I have an emotion. I have a feeling I get loaded because I can't do that.

And So what happens for a guy like me is eventually all hell breaks loose. My life crumbles and I'm looking in the mirror

at that thing that I hope I never ever will see again. You know, may fit the 2001. I woke up and the girl that had left because I'd flipped out on her came home and said I'm going to an A, a dance tonight. If you can go with if you want. And I thought, Christ, AA and advance seriously, God.

But I was thinking, there ain't no way you're going to a dance without me with another guy. I don't think so. So I went to this stupid dance and it wasn't dance. It was a freaking roundup. There was 300 of these yo yos running around in suits and ties and looking good, smelling good. And women are in dresses and I show up in jeans and leather, you know, with a bad haircut, thinking whoa. And it's like, you know how it is. Every head in the room turns, you know, like new guy,

This dude comes sliding across the room and he said, hi, I'm Kane, are you new? And I thought to myself, new, Hell no. I'm going to the psychiatric ward on Tuesday. I'm not here to get any 80 this AA garbage. I don't know any people. I don't want you to confuse me with any of these people. I don't even plan to come. You have to get out of the net war. I didn't have time to say all that crap, so I just said yes. And he said, let me find you a seat. And he found me a seat. And they get out and they did a sobriety countdown and and of course, everybody knew that I was the new guy. So I couldn't lie. And they counted down and they counted down. They didn't say who has one day because I wouldn't have stood up

honest enough to not have stood up with a day of sobriety, but they said who's in their first day of sobriety? And I believe for me, that was my step three right there. I made a decision. I stood at the turning point and I stood up. I already had listened to enough different things to understand that I belong here. This lady got up. She shared her experience, strength and hope and changed my life. It was the first time in my life that I identified with another human being, that I understood that I was not alone, that this whole, this void, this missing thing inside of me, it wasn't just me. I'm not just a bad person who

won't be good. I'm a sick person that needs to get well, you guys have a solution and I don't and I'm out of ideas. I am out of ideas. I have nothing left. So when they said something about getting a sponsor, I went up to this guy because I'd met him before the meeting and I was like, this is pretty cool. I'm holding my little big book and I'm just spun, you know, and I said this looks like a pretty good deal, but what do I do? How do I do this? What do I do? You know, they say that you're supposed to get a sponsor. Like between the meeting room and him, like 35 people came shooting out of the woodwork like, hey, you got a sponsor. You need a sponsor. You should have a sponsor. Do you have a

sponsor? You have a sponsor. Shut up, people get away from me.

But it's true. If you don't have a sponsor, don't leave here tonight without one. If you want to stay sober, if you want to do what we do here, ask somebody, how do I do this? And the person who shows you how to do that is your sponsor. You know, I've taken to telling people instead of asking somebody, will you be my sponsor? Like you're asking someone on a date, go up to someone that looks like they've got it together and say, will you please take me through the steps? I don't want to die

try that, if that if that if they're asking for a sponsor things too uncomfortable, because for me, that's what it really boils down to. If I don't come in here and do this deal, I'm a dead man. I was planning how I was going to kill myself and maybe a few other people before or after. I don't know, but that was the reason I had planned on checking into the nut ward. I walked into the nut ward with three days of sobriety. You know, I I went up to this guy afterwards and I said, you know, what do I do? Who can be a sponsor? He said, I'll be your sponsor. I thought, shit, not like that. That's not what I meant. But he

he said, I'll be your sponsor. And I said OK. And I was walking by a couple other guys and they're asking me, do you have a sponsor? This guy Zach, Zach H said, hey, you know, you got a sponsor. I'm like, yeah, I said, I guess now I'm going to have to go home and dump out that beer. And he's like, what was that

beer? You have beer at home? I'm like, yeah. He's like, does your sponsor know that? I'm like, why? You know, thinking why? But all of a sudden, I felt this, this wave of cold fear hit my gut. And I realized I know how many times I've told myself, I'm done. I'm going to throw out my booze tomorrow.

I know how many times that my mind has tricked me into just one more and I take one more and it triggers the thirst and I get thirsty. And I have a couple and I have several and I have quite a few in the next day, I wake up thinking, what the hell was that sobering up idea? That was the stupidest thing in the world. I've done that lots of times because that's the way my head works. If I feed the beast, it will eat me alive. And so when he said, does he know that you have beer at home? I realized I had to tell somebody now. And I went to this guy Kane, and I said, I have beer at home, what do I do? And he grabbed this guy.

He said, Marcus, come here, we're gonna dump all Paul's beer. And so we hopped into cars and zoom off we went, you know, and we got to my house and I'm like, here it is. And here's this and here's that. And they're like, you're dumping it out. We'll help. But like me

pouring his stuff out and he said anything else he got anything hidden, I'm like, no, I drank all the stuff I hid. I'd had AI had a bottle of cream Dement hidden up in the cupboard. I drank that thing and it helped me quit drinking

unfunny. But he did find this big old bottle I had of liquid coating. I had a sore throat of a legitimate medical thing and and bought $100 worth of liquid codeine and he's like, what's this? I'm like, oh, that's just codeine. That's not a big deal. He says you still sick. I'm like noises you don't need this is he's pouring it on like no.

To the Lord, you know, I got to tell you too that that you know there's nothing wrong with medication and if if, if for some reason you have some kind of a legitimate reason to do that. Don't let anybody in a a get their ego in the way and start playing a doctor for you unless they've got a medical degree. Anybody playing doctor for you is playing God smile, nod and back slowly from the room. This is not what we do here. You know I I've had some surgeries couple of surgeries in sobriety. I had a certain private

thing that was

needed some work because something had gone wrong and I went in and I had surgery on that and they sent me home

with something called oxycodone. I had no experience with oxycodone, never was a pill head and didn't really know what I was in for, but I told everybody I knew in AA, I'm going to be home. I'll be taking these drugs and keep an eye on me. Make sure that I take what I, you know, I, I took it the way I was supposed to take it when I was supposed to take it, buy the prescription in no other way. Problem with oxycodone is that doesn't, doesn't make me high, it makes me honest. And it's, and it's hard to tell that you have questionable judgment when you have questionable judgment.

And so one of my coworkers while I was at home, who was kind of a friend of mine was, was at work and I was on instant messenger and emailing him back and forth. And it occurred to me that I should send him a photograph to explain exactly what had been done.

I broke out the digital camera, went in the bathroom, got the lighting just right, and took pictures of really, all I can say is purple. That's all I'm going to say. And

I emailed this to a guy I work with thinking it would be a good idea and

he immediately deleted it and scratched his eyes and wept.

I God I feel like next day I was talking to him. He's like you did such a social like what? Oh no idiot idiot. I was so embarrassed.

So note to self, constant supervision is a very good idea. I have a sponsor today. I talked to that sponsor. I talked to that sponsor regularly. I have guys that I sponsor because you can't keep it unless you give it away. If you're in here and you're not sponsoring other people, you're either too new to be sponsoring other people or you might want to try starting working with other Alcoholics because that's what we do here. You know, that's what this is. This program that we talk about isn't a club

recovery, isn't some kind of sober Elks where we get to come hang out and be buddies.

This is this is life and death for guys like me. If I don't come in here and work all three sides of that triangle, unity, recovery and service, I'm a dead man. I need the unity. I need to be with my people. They say keep coming back, not because coming back to meetings is going to make you wonderful, but because if I go home and I stay alone by myself without my fellows, I'm a dead man. Because sooner or later I don't need to come to meetings. Pretty soon I'm not talking to people about what's going on in my life. Pretty soon I'm not

talking to my sponsor. Pretty soon I'm not giving it back to other Alcoholics. And meetings is where I find newcomers to work with. I have to be at the meetings. Fellowship is critical. I have to have recovery in my sobriety. If I'm not working the steps, I am not in recovery. I'm in meetings. In meetings does not make you recovered. It does not make you. It does not take away the obsession to drink. Being in meetings does not

take away that thing that tells me it's OK to drink. So I can come hang out in meetings and not do the steps and I can go home and drink. You know which you can be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and drink. All you have to have is a desire to stop drinking. However, if you would like to get well, if you would like your life to feel a little bit better, I would suggest that you perhaps try working those steps as quickly and as effectively as you possibly can. This does not take a year. And I also have to address the spirit, mind, body and spirit, you know, unity, recovery and service. And the spiritual part of this program is in the service. It's

me taking commitments and meanings of Alcoholics Anonymous. It's in me working with other Alcoholics, it's in holding the door for people. It's in all the things that I do. Because selfishness and self centeredness is the root of my troubles, not alcohol. Selfishness and self centeredness is what is killing me and eating me from the inside out. And I can't fill that void because I keep raising the bar. Every time I fill the void, I need more. Just like with booze, to feed self is a deadly thing for a guy like me I have to get out of. Selfish is not

selfish program. Selfishness and self centeredness is a root of my troubles. Anybody tells you this is a selfish program has clearly not read the damn Get with someone that's read the book, that knows the steps and can take you through this process and show you what it is to recover from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Where I think about the drink I take the drink, I drink too much. I wake up with a firm resolution not to do that again until I tell myself I need a drink. And you know when I'm in that mode, I will drink until I have to get sober, and I'll get sober until I have to drink, and I'll drink until I have to get sober and I'll get sober until I have to drink. I don't want to

like that anymore. Guys like me do not do well with that. So if you're in here, if you're new and you don't have a sponsor, ask someone for help tonight. Don't leave here without a sponsor. If you've been here for a while and you're starting to get a little bored, pick up a couple of new sponsors. Do something. Do like I did my job. I thought for, you know, for a while I was telling everybody you have to have three meetings a week or you're not good enough in a, a, because it was my job to judge who was alcoholic enough and who was recovered enough in a a clearly not playing God there.

And what I did is I came into Alcoholics Anonymous and judged everybody, you know,

And last year, my job made it so I was working nights and off hours. And I wound up missing a truckload of meetings last year. And I wasn't going to three meetings a week. I wasn't calling 35 Alcoholics a day. I wasn't Captain AA running around. And you know what, when you do everything that you can, God fills in the blanks. And I have not had the obsession to drink. I have not had to do anything. You know, I'm glad to be done with that project. But, you know, so getting the stop, that means I'm supposed to shut up. I'd love to talk longer, but I probably shouldn't. So I'm glad you guys are here. Thank you for my life.