Houston Conference of Young People in Alcoholics Anonymous in Houston, TX

All right, I'm, I'm Tom, I'm an alcoholic and it's going to take probably like 5 minutes or so before my heart rate decreases enough and it's up swallowing hard and all that. It's where actually like

makes sense and sound coherent. So maybe I'll read 1st and

that'll help me get out of the way and for me to tell my story.

But anyways, this is, I'm supposed to talk some about God. And I think it's kind of funny that I would talk about God because if you told me 4 1/2 years ago that I would want to be involved in a A and be asked to tell my story and AI wouldn't have believed you. I didn't want to be here when I got here and I didn't want to do the work and I didn't want to show up. And I didn't really necessarily know that like

that this was the answer, you know,

and that I needed to get in touch with this higher power thing and all that. But

I guess I'm going to read a thing that has meant a lot to me in sobriety because I struggled with the God thing. And so this is from page 46 of the Big Book. And it says, much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another anothers conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to affect the contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a creative intelligence,

the spirit of the universe, underlying the totality things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction, provided we took other simple steps. We found that God does not make 2 hard terms with those who seek Him. To us the realm of spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly see. It is open, we believe, to all men.

So I think I'm a little less anxious right now and I can, I can tart start telling my story and tell you what it was like and and what happened and what it's like now. And I grew up in a

a wealthy family. My parents had money that wasn't one of like the concerns. I have a older brother who's three years older than me and a younger sister who is a year younger than me. And I'm a middle child. And, and some of you already know what that means,

but I started drinking. I remember my first drunk, my, my brother's three years older than me. And, and one of the things that drove me and, and that I remember as part of my experience growing up was that I always wanted to, to be cool and, and to fit in And Tino, I, I didn't want like I didn't, I, I wanted to win your acceptance and I wanted to

feel that like connection and I wanted to plug in and, and I just like,

you know, I wanted this, this sense that I was a part of something and I just like didn't have the tools to, to plug in. And so anyways, I was a lot of times doing things and, and being the class clown and, and trying to figure out a way where I could feel like a little bit of that, you know, just some of that connection. And my first drunk was,

I mean, alcohol was around my house and, and my parents drank alcohol and I knew that it was important and it was a part of all the celebrations and,

you know, part of dinnertime and everything. But I had a little bit of alcohol here and there. But the first time that I really got drunk was when I was 12 years old. And my older brother and his friend thought it would be funny, you know, give me some alcohol. And he poured a, he poured a whiskey shot and I drank it and he poured another one and I drank it and he poured another one. And, you know, I'm 12 years old, so these aren't like the biggest shots ever. I can't, like, I can't drink that one.

But in my mind, I remember taking like, you know, ten shots. I'm sure that, you know, it was probably something like 4-3. You know, my mind, my mind exaggerates what the truth is.

So I, so I, I drink these shots and, and I don't really remember like some people, I, they tell their story and they say like they're first drunk. It's like the best thing that ever happened. But like, I went like so quick into that, like uncomfortable drunk where like the room is spinning and like there's like nausea and like, I'm going to throw up and I, you know, I kind of like stumble.

I stumble like down some stairs and like I'm trying to turn the alarm off

flag, you know, so that I can let my brother's friend out and I can't do it. And I'm kind of like scared at this point in time. Like I'm getting like real drunk and my, my brother says take a cold shower. And I know that like I'm have like some characteristics of Alcoholics because when I hear like take one, like it just registered automatically, like 3 cold showers, you know, and I took three, I took 3 cold showers

and I took 3 cold showers that night and, and went to bed with like the room spinning and I woke up the next morning

and never had a thought like I'm never going to do that again, you know, And I don't know if that makes me alcoholic, but like, it's a really good start, you know, like to have consequences from the first time that I did it and like to just be able to automatically, I mean, there was no effort involved automatically just dismiss any consequences as a result of my dream. That was actually something that my mind was able to do on numerous occasions where bad stuff happened, but it just didn't register and it didn't click that somehow these problems are

to my user. And

anyways, it would be a lie if I told you that I started drinking every day at the age of 12 years old. It's a progressive disease. And it started out, you know, that I was, you know, I started out, I smoked weed when I was 12 and I drank for the first time when I was 12. And it it wasn't around that much for me and it wasn't a part of my social scene that much until I hit high school. The summer before I went to high school was when I, like, really got on top of my drinking and drugging

and started hanging out with people that, you know,

like it was more socially acceptable at 15 for some reason than 12 to like, get drunk on the weekends. And I started hanging out with like a few older people that were doing it. And

it was like the best thing that ever happened to me at 15. Like, I loved getting fucked up. I mean, it was like,

why did why did I start doing this more often when I was 12? You know, like this was like that way that that connection that I was looking for, I felt like I had found it in alcohol and drugs and like, man, I could like be the person I wanted to be when I was out and I could be the center of attention and like not be nervous. And you know, I could like

my acceptance thing like didn't matter as much anymore. And I hear like a lot of people like, it's like that feeling of like less than like just kind of disappeared and it didn't matter. And you know, I would be a fool not to like continue to go back to do this as much as I possibly could. And so I, I progressively get into things that I had, you know, previously in my life. Like I'm never going to do that. Like, I'm absolutely never going to,

you know, like I'm never gonna do, you know, crystal math or cocaine, mushrooms or acid or anything like that. Because the experience of like smoking weed and drinking was just like so powerful that I was like willing to forego like, you know, these

like really strong commitments because of like how powerful it was and like how much of like, I guess like,

I mean, what it did for me, you know? And

so I'm like in this like

progression of the disease. And

I'm like 15 and I'm in high school and I start, you know, like I'm making good grades, but I'm like hanging out with like different people that are in my, you know, like upper classes, like I'm in the advanced classes. But like, I hang out with like these different groups of people and try to fit in all these different subcultures that like, you know, I'm still looking for that connection and, and still trying to find where I belong. And like, I'm never really find it in, in the groups that I'm, you know, seeking out. And I think I went through some like interesting phases. I was a,

as a punk skater and I was a gangster skater and I was a cowboy and I was a hippie and I went through like all these phases and like hung out with all these different people. And I mean, I hung out with it. Like, you know, when I was a punk, I hung out with the gangsters and you know, like we had our, our, our point of connection, like the drugs and alcohol. Like I could hang out with different groups of people, but like, I never really felt like, like I found my people.

And like, man, I was sitting in the meeting last night, the speaker meeting and I just like,

I was sitting in here and I, you know, the other, other meeting room and I was like, man, I really feel like I found my people, you know, And like, I have so much like compassion for the person who's sitting in here who doesn't feel like they really fit in here yet, you know, who's still kind of struggling with it. And

before I work the steps, I sat in here and I didn't feel like I was like, really here. And then I'd like found my people. But eventually I kind of like went through this process of, of, you know, like listening to people and working the steps. And I really felt like like, like this is this is where it's at, you know, like I am done looking for that, that subgroup in that other way and, and that kind of thing and surrender that these are my people.

So

anyways, I

I don't feel like I'm really like like

connected right now and like really in my story I kind of feel like

I don't know, like

I'm not collected and together. So anyways, bear with me.

SO

I'm hanging out with, you know, these different groups of people and not really feeling like I fit in and, and, and trying really hard. And that was like one of the things like I tried really hard and, and I, and I was making good grades and, and part of that was motivated by the fact that I knew that if I made good grades, I would have my parents attention diverted elsewhere so that I could do what I wanted to and

in my free time. And, you know, like I talked about before, like I really wanted to, you know, get drunk and loaded as much as possible and free up as much time, get my work done so that I could reward myself. And

so

I guess I'll kind of skip in because I want to talk about recovery, like what's happened since I've, you know, been sober and stuff. I

had a like chain of events that like really like kicked in high gear, like my alcoholism and drugs. And I had a girl, you know, that moved away and like, you know, it's like the most depressing thing ever for me. And I was, she was the one and, and she moved away and I, that was the period of time when I the only period of time when I drank daily

and kind of like spiraled down from there and did all the stuff that I never said I was never going to do. And, you know, did a lot of stuff that would I, I figured would probably be pretty hard to live with later on. And

I one night was hanging out with some friends and you know, it was like, it was a night just like any other night. Like I went out with the intention of like getting completely obliterated like I did every other night and with the car keys

because like, that's what I did. I mean, I drove drunk all the time. I had my, you know, my learners permit and I drove drunk with my mom in the car. Like I drove drunk and that was like what I did. And I went out like one night and I was drinking Mad Dog 2020 and and smoking a lot of weed. And we went out and I was like, you know, we were going to leave to go,

you know, score some more pot. And, you know, there was like nothing out of the ordinary that night. Like it was just like any other night. We were like playing video games and you know, like

listen to music, listen a Grateful Dead and drinking every 2020 smoking weed and we went out that night and go get some more bud and

I blacked out somewhere on the drive to go get it. I had like 3-2 friends with me and one business associate and we

I dropped all them off in a blackout. And then I have like a few hours unaccounted for. And then the next report of me is from a toll booth attendant who called the Houston Police Department and said we have a, you know, black BMW going the wrong way on

the tollway and he's going like 100 miles an hour. And then the next report after that is 20 miles between there and the wreck. And I, I got in head on collision and I figured that I was going probably like like 60 miles an hour at least, you know, like I'm in a blackout. I don't remember any of this, like this is all from like police reports, but I figured I was probably going like at least 60 miles an hour and the other car was probably going 60 miles an hour. So it's like

brick wall at 120 miles an hour. And

like, I really get this like idea of like borrowed time and like that like when people talk about like being sober and like getting second chances and like getting getting like to do it over again and like living on borrowed time. And then like, I mean, if God's not like shot all through that, like, I mean, I don't obviously know about God then, but I got a second chance. Like I the people,

there were two people in the other car. I was the only one in the car that I was driving, and those two people were hurt.

I woke up in the hospital the next day with a broken collarbone. And, you know, like, I wake up out of my blackout and I'm in a hospital and my parents are on both sides of me. And they, like, tell me what happened. And

that was like, that was the worst moment of my life, was like waking up in the hospital to that, like, bitter, incomprehensible demolition and like realizing that, like, you know, I had done this thing and I don't remember it. And

you know, like, I mean,

there's there's nothing like looking your parents and I and like have them tell you like, you know,

you drove the wrong way on the freeway and

you heard a couple of people.

So I did not get sober. I was like, I mean, that's not, that's not alcoholic enough for me.

I, my problem was not drinking. It was like drinking and driving. And I just had to figure out a way where I could, you know, like be out on, you know, out on papers and continue to do what I wanted to do. I left that day from the hospital and I had a, you know, prescription for hydrocodone

that I was going to like fully utilize. And

I left the hospital and was out on bail for a while and continuing to use. And this was like more of my period of like trying to figure out the formula where I could like control it. And like I knew that there were some things that were like out of control about it. And I'd like kind of conceded to myself that like it didn't, it didn't really work, you know, the way that I was doing it. And I needed to figure out a right way to do it.

And

I had to stop smoking weed because I was on probation. And that was like devastating for me because that was like a huge part of my life. And it did something for me that other drugs couldn't do and that I like, really liked. And

I mean, I'm like, completely crazy. Like, this is the point at which the normal drinker, like, has some serious consequences because of, you know, what they do. And they just say, I mean, I'm 19. I'm 17 years old when this drunk driving accident happened. This is when the normal drinker says, OK, like, I'm 17. I'm not of age to drink. I'm in serious trouble because of it, because of drinking. Like, I'm going to stop at least for a while until I'm off probation and done with all this. But it says I'm going to read.

Only other thing I'm going to read but

it talks about the difference between the normal drinker, the hard drinker and the alcoholic

in the big book.

So moderate drinkers have little trouble trouble in giving up liquor entirely. If they have a good reason for it, like drunk driving accident, they can take it or leave it alone. Then we have a certain tarp type of hard drinker. He may have had the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. It may cause him to die a few years before his time. If a sufficiently strong reason, ill health, falling in love, change of environment or warning of a doctor becomes operative. This man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome.

Anime even need medical attention. But what about the real alcoholic? You may start off as a moderate drinker. He may or may not become a continuous hard drinker, but at some stage of his drinking career, he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption once he starts to drink. And that was like where I was at, like I was in trouble.

I just like delusional, you know, thinking like thinking like I could still make it work. And like I'm, I'm completely like, I've, I've lost control, but I'm still trying to like make it happen. And so I get sober a year and a half later. And in between that year and a half, there are so many blackouts and I'm taking Xanax and drinking and, you know, like I'm waking up out of out of blackouts and

trying to assess like what I did the night before to make sure that I'm not in trouble,

like out on bail and facing 2:00 to 10:00. And

you know, like I don't, I like, I'm drinking obviously, like I'm powerless and I'm unmanageable and I like won't even recognize it.

So

my senior I get convicted my the weekend the week before my senior year in high school, and I go to.

The judge and I get, you know, four years probation, no license, four years, you know, community service classes, victim impact panel, I mean, like all this stuff and then 30 days in jail. And so I'm supposed to, you know, wait, it's like right before my senior year. So they decide to have me come turn myself in after I walk across stage and graduate

and, you know, I'm making grades and I end up like graduating the top 10% of my class. And I walk across the stage and then I go and turn myself in a week later. And, you know, I go out for that last two raw drunk, like right before I go into jail and, you know, end up like clacking out and waking up and a guy who's actually sober now his apartment who's was dealing drugs and like, like, you know, like just completely crazy. And

I wake up in his apartment and the next day go turn myself in for jail and spend a month in jail. And the whole time I'm in jail, I'm dealing with this like obsession, like I want to get like drunk and loaded. Like when I'm not drinking and,

and getting loaded, like I want to get loaded. And it's like something I think about all the time and I get out and it's like the first thing I want to do, you know, and, and I continue to go back and just do what I do, you know, and

I go, I decide actually, I'm going to college. I'm like, so scattered right now. I hope, I hope some of this is like somewhat coherent, But I, I go, I decide to go to college out of state because I figured that, you know, the states going to let me do it on probation. And I figure they'll have less tabs on me and I'll be able to do more of what I want to do and have less drug tests and, and stuff like that. And so I go away to school to Memphis and I go to Rhodes College and I'm at school there and

like not drinking daily. Like I'm thinking about it every day and like I want to every day, but I know that I can't, you know, like make it work with probation and school and everything like that. If I drink every day. And so I'm like doing school like Monday through Friday and like Friday night, I'm like making up for it, you know, and like wake up Saturday morning. And the pattern like at the very end of my drinking was like just, it was just like boring, but like the same stuff over and over again. Like Monday through Friday like try not to drink and then Friday like big blowout and wake

Saturday with like the hangover that like non Alcoholics only have once you know, like where you wake up and like like being sick and dehydrated is like only the beginning, you know. And I get like nothing done on Saturday, even though I have all these papers due and everything. And

I think like for, you know, like weeks on hand, the only thing I got done on Saturday was like my, my laundry. And I would like do my laundry and like be kind of like proud, you know, that I got my laundry. And,

and so I,

I wake up on Saturday morning and like, this is like the end of my dream. And I didn't even like realize this until I had two years sober. But like, I kind of like spotted that like alcoholic pattern and like, as if the like accident and everything like didn't like show me enough. Like I saw that on Saturday morning, I'd wake up after Friday night drinking

and like drank way more than I planned on drinking, got out of control. And I wake up on Saturday morning and be like, I'm not gonna drink tonight. Not like I'm gonna stay sober for the rest of my life or anything like that. But just like I'm not gonna drink tonight. And, and I'd mean it. And, you know, I'd get a little hydrated and my stomach would hurt a little less. And I have my, that obsession working in my mind. And while the obsession was working on my mind and I'd go drink Saturday night and just be like, I changed my mind, you know,

this is what I want to do and I drink on Saturday night. And I would fully buy my own bullshit that that was what I wanted to do. And

so I'd wake up on Sunday morning and it'll be the same thing.

And then I'd go through the week and I just do it. And it wasn't like any like, you know, big thing like, you know, that happened that like really brought me down like so much. I did have one night where I, I, I blacked out and I think I was in this dorm where I used to date a girl. And so I think I was probably trying to get back with her, but I got found, I thought got found by a resident advisor who found me in the girls bathroom peeing. And I guess I was like kind of

even in blackouts because like, I knew that guys, you know, guys stand up to pee obviously, and girls sit down. And so when I got busted, I was sitting down.

It might also have been that I didn't have the best of balance at the time, but it was like, you know, she looked under the stall and saw some big dude feed and,

and she, you know, confronted me and she said, you know, are you a student here? No. No. You're going to tell me your name? No,

you know, what are you doing here? Like, I don't know.

And she's like, OK, well, I mean, if you're not a student and

now you're obviously drunk, you're in the girls bathroom, like you're going to have to be escorted off campus by campus safety. And you know, she goes and that's fine. You know, let's let's do that. And she, she gets on the phone with campus safety and, you know, calls it in and I take off running.

I don't know. I do, I do things like that are very uncharacteristic of me when I am drunk and loaded that I don't do when I'm sober like that. And the problem is, is that I am unable to

like, call it Blitz, you know, and like come to that point where I'm like, all right, I'm good, you know, I'm, you know, taking pills and drinking. And I'm just like going for more and more and more. And there's that internal like, I guess

like judgment call or whatever that I think normal people might have. I don't have that. And so I do things like that. And I woke up that next morning and it's funny to tell the story now. It was not funny when it happened. And I woke up the next morning and I was in trouble for

lying. I was going to go for the honor counsel and I was convinced that they were going to tell my probation officer and like, I had a good lawyer and, and I got off real easy for intoxicated assault of the vehicle. And I was like, man, they're going to throw the book at me. Like they're going to tell, they're going to tell the, you know, Texas what's going on from, you know, Tennessee and I'm going to go to prison. And so I woke up the next morning and like I watched the hallway bathroom to throw up and this guy,

what happened and what I did and you know, he was laughing about it wasn't funny to me. He was laughing about it. And I went back to my room and I was just, I conceded to my animal self that I was like going to prison, not that I was an alcoholic, but that I was going to prison. And

I'm, I don't know, too boyishly cute to go to prison. And

I wouldn't, I wouldn't have done well there. And,

and, and I was having lots of problems with anxiety too. And so I'm seeing it, I'm seeing a therapist about that. And we're not talking about drinking and drugging. Like I don't

how I can like, you know, go to a therapist and like address some problem and not talk about this. But I'm not talking about it, you know, So I I go and, you know, I'm I go to like a next session or something and she

says something about, you know, like I end up bringing it up and she says something about

I guess like her experience. And she had an experience where she used to follow widespread panic. And like that was who I was at that time. And you know, that was the the in Group that I was in and that she had had some trouble and like took care of herself. And I mean, really Generals way kind of shared her experience, strengthen her and it kind of implanted the idea that like, maybe I

could do something different, like it's over or something. And I wasn't ready to do it yet. But it just like it planted a seed, you know, and some people are at the conference and like, man, they're not ready yet. Like, but it's plain to see. And I really believe that. So I am still trying to make it work even after this, you know, encounter and prison and everything. And I don't know. And I'm just, you know, like, scared.

And so I'm like just going to take pills, you know, this, this pills. That's the way

I try to just take bills. And I figure out the hard way that like, once I start doing something, like I do things uncharacteristic of me and, you know, the obsession takes over. And then like, I drink, you know, and I go and I drink. And my biggest problem salad that I cause were always when I was drinking.

I definitely fit in an AA.

So

anyways, this guy who was in a A had gone to the counseling center where I was going to this therapy and he had gone and said, you know, my name is Daniel and I'm an alcoholic and I've been, you know, sober for a few years. And if anyone comes through the counseling center and wants to get sober, wants to talk about getting sober, here's my number.

And so this therapist who had shared her experience, you know, gave me his number and was like, if you're interested and you're open to it, call this guy. And I looked him up on the online directory to see who he was. And I didn't call him for a couple weeks. And, you know, I was going to stay sober on my own and I didn't need anyones help. And the speaker last night was talking about how, like, we're alcoholic because of how we feel when we're not using.

And

I was so uncomfortable not using and was completely obsessed, you know, in my mind, like I really wanted to get high like every like fiber in my being wanted to get high and drink. And

and that was where the willingness came from. I had a month of time without using drugs or drinking before I went to an A, a meeting and it was like the worst month of my life. I wanted to get high and drink all the time. And I woke up in the morning and I like had to just like, I mean, like when people say white knuckle, like I know what it's like to white knuckle. And so anyways, I go up and I talk to this guy and like

he said he, I'm like, hey, man, like in my intention is just not to go to a a not to like have him sponsor me or anything like that.

My intention is to go and talk to him and be like, dude, like I'm, you know, trying to do sober thing. And like, you know, every once in a while it gets really hard. I want to just like have somebody I can call like, you know, the lifeline and

I like start that conversation. I have it all rehearsed in my head how it's going to workout. And it, it doesn't work out like it does in my head. And he ends up like inviting me to a meeting. And I did not want to go to a A and I did not want to do meetings. I wanted to do this thing on my own and like, you know, somehow make it through to that point where I wasn't going to be that. I was completely upset and, like, really wanted to get high and drink all the time. And

he invited me to a meeting. And for some reason, I said yes. And he set a time and I said, OK,

he picked me up and he took me the meeting and I went for grudgingly and

started to hear my story in the room, you know, and like hear people talk about stuff that I related to. And I didn't relate to God. I didn't relate to like an experience, spiritual experience, anything like that. I related to the problem. And so I'm really grateful that people talk about the problem. And I remember one guy

that that are related to the most early on was this guy who I would look at and be like, dude, I man, me and him. Like no way do I relate to this guy. A mullet. And you know, I had a Harley-Davidson hat and he was missing teeth. And I highly doubt that he graduated in the top of 10% of his class, but I could be wrong.

And anyways, but he had that language of the heart and he talked about going to bed at night and

his like, his head hit the pillow and he was sober and that that meant that it was a good day and he had done something right. And, and I related to that because like early sobriety was really hard. And like, even when I started going to meetings and even when I started like, you know, begrudgingly doing some of the things that people talked about, like praying and stuff like early sobriety for like months was hard for me. And I really wanted to get drunk and high a lot.

And because of that, I started doing some of the things that people talked about,

you know, like praying and like, you know, calling people. And I call this like this one guy's

like I called him late at night because that was like when my mind was like working like overtime for me to go. And still, you know, like I still was holding on to some drugs and I was going to like, you know, like, you know, as a backup plan. I still had my like, my, my back door plan in case like things didn't really work out with the sober thing. And I called this guy and I don't remember anything that he said, but I remember that he started a lot of what he said with my sponsor tells me or my sponsor told me. And like, I got this idea that like sponsorship was important,

like I needed to do that. And so I started working the steps with him and I did a 123 hangout and I got a little bit of relief from like starting to do some of the things. And so I was kind of balking at the 4th step. And I call him every once in a while and be like, hey man, like I'm, I'm really suffering like this. One thing is really, this is the problem. This is really pushing my buttons. And he kept saying like, man, if you do a four step, like it'll really help. If you do a four step, it'll really help. I was like, no, no, that's not what I need to do.

Like this thing needs to go this way. And

so I hold off as long as I possibly can have like I think 5 months sober and I come and, and it's the end of the semester and I'm required to come back to Texas because of my probation. And I come back to Texas and I don't have a driver's license. So I'm like having to get rides everywhere. And there's this one dude that like, like really wants to give me rides and

he not like that, but he starts taking me to meetings and

I'm in a meeting one night that he had driven me to. And like he, the topic is sponsorship and like the importance of that. And I realized that I don't have a sponsor in Houston and that I need one if I'm going to stay sober. Everybody I know in Houston that I associate with, like my whole group of friends are the people that I use with. And like they were not people that I was going to be able to lean on and get experience, strength and hope from about staying sober. And I needed those people.

And so I I go to dinner afterwards and hands up sponsor me, end up working the steps with him and I do the four step.

And one of the big things I learned in the fourth step was how much of an active participant I am in my own suffering and how I, you know, like am a big part of the problem. And then I need to make some serious changes in my life in order to suffer less. And, you know, like some of these things that like might be like blatantly apparent to other people, like weren't necessarily the case for me. And I get to like my part in the columns and I just like have

more insight into my own life than I had

in the like, months of therapy that I was in. And I don't know why that is. I just, you know, I did, I finally did the work. I surrendered and did the work and like

saw who I was dealing with and I saw like I had to give up a lot of that resistance that I had because I saw like the problem, like on paper and like there was no denying and like, you know, the truth will set you free. Like I saw the truth about myself. And so I quickly had to do the first step right away, you know, and I, I decided, you know, every time that I try to do things on, on like my terms, like it kind of ends up a little shaky and like, it's not

that like solid foundation. So I grabbed this guy who had 19 piercings actually, but he was sober. And I grabbed this guy and did a fist step and it didn't really like take like nothing really happened. And

you know, my sponsor was like, dude, what happened? Like you went and did your fist stuff like just with some random guy

and and I was like, yeah, I did, but like I also I wanted, you know, like I want to do it with used to and, you know, make sure that I like, you know, continue working the steps to you. I just like, felt like I had to do it.

And I go and I do the first step and with my sponsor who was like, you know, taking me all these meetings and everything.

And that thing happened that like absolutely changed who I was.

I, I read him all these things and we go through it and takes hours and go through my part and everything. And he points in the book and we were always in the book and he points in the book where it suggests an hour of meditation after doing the first step and go back to my house. He goes and drops me off. You know, I don't have a driver's license. He goes and drops me off and I sit in my backyard and like the experience of connection that I had always been looking for my whole life, you know, like that, that, that feeling of like,

I belong here. And uh, you know, like I did a bunch of stuff that like isn't necessarily stuff to be proud of, but this is a place where I get to use that stuff to help other people. And

I realized that day that like everything that had like LED up to there and like, I'm not going to stay in this experience for the rest of my life, but this was the experience that I had that day was that like everything was going to serve, like serve this purpose and that, you know, I belonged in a A and, you know, I looked back at what my sponsor had done. I was like, man, I can do that with someone else. Like he just told the truth and like said what his experience was. And this changed my life. And I can like, you know, do that too.

I continue on with the steps and get to the 9th step. And I don't know if I, I don't think I shared this, but the, the two people that were hurt in the accident, like one of them,

I was going to try and apologize too. And he didn't want to hear anything from me and said that he wished that I had died in the accident. And

so I'm like, living with that, like that whole time. And like, you know, I still do. And like, it's still like kind of hard. And I, I get to the immense part of the steps and go talk to someone who has, you know, similar experience and, you know, find out what they do. And he goes as bad as I feel like I'm doing today. Like, I started speaking like, because that was what he did. And what he suggested was go and talk to people who are, you know, at risk for drinking and driving and just Share your story,

Just tell what happened. And so like, as part of my amends, I go and talk at colleges, in high schools and, you know, just tell that talk about like, just that night and how I thought it would never happen to me and how, you know, like, it was just a regular night and it was just one drive, one night. And it completely changed my life. And

anyways,

I don't know, I got like a lot of a lot of relief and like gratitude that I would be able to do something like that. Because sometimes it's just like overwhelming, like like shame and guilt and like to be able to like have a step that like focuses so directly at that and like, so directly in service and like being able to show up and like help other people, like just kind of cleans a lot of that stuff up.