The Houston Conference for Young People in Alcoholics Anonymous in Houston, TX

I'm really nervous. Hi everybody. My name is Minnie. I'm an alcoholic.

I love that part.

Thanks. I hope you feel that way when I'm done. OK, the disclaimers. Wait, wait. I have to remember all this. OK, Breathe. OK. I want to thank Anthony for asking me,

really flattered by that. And umm, Kanan for picking me up and Rusty, who's my personal assistant for buying me hair dye today because I didn't want to have Gray hair with you because, and I'm not telling anybody my age, but probably you'll figure it out. And it's a little shocking, actually.

OK, did I remember everybody? Oh, and Missy for saving my life this morning when I was really fucked up and I said a prayer that I wouldn't curse.

And,

and I'm originally from New York and Kirsten is just the way of being emphatic. And I didn't even know that it was like a bad thing until I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm not convinced it is, but OK, I'm going to try to, you know.

Anyway, OK, my lame little story.

I was born a long time ago in New York City,

and my parents were Holocaust survivors. And

my father was the hero of the family. And my father got my mother and three kids out of a ghetto concentration camp and swam through 13 miles down the river. And if it sounds like an HBO special, it sounded like that to me, too. But if you knew my father, you, you would have believed it. And he was a man of his word. He had enormous honor. He was actually extraordinary. I don't, I don't didn't get any of that. But

my parents supposedly the stories, I didn't even know they were in the Holocaust. I was fractured from a very early age

and self-centered. You know, I'm like the kind of person I don't like me, but I'm all I ever think about. And,

and

he, I think my mother's or There are people in my family that say that there were five kids and some people say there were four, but he,

he, they came out with three. So, um,

somewhere along the line I learned about all this and oh, before I go into my little lame spiel about my life, I want to welcome anybody who's relatively new. It's hard to save your life when you hate yourself. And if you're new, you hate yourself. And I know because I was new a lot. And it's tough to take a seat with all of this camaraderie and all this joy when you feel like you're going to die inside.

And for those of you here in the car yesterday talking about this, for those of you that are sitting here tonight and are contemplating suicide,

I have something to tell you. And, and I don't know why I'm talking about this today, but I'm talking about it. And if you're contemplating it, umm, I just want you to know that you'd be killing the wrong person

because this is not,

this is not who you're going to be if you stay sober and if you stay sober. So I highly recommend that you don't commit suicide. And I highly recommend that you stay in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I highly recommend, hopefully if you're new, that you came in and you you came in with desperation

because I think if you come in with desperation, you got a much better chance. OK, there's my disclaimer for today. And I've been wanting to cry all day. I actually have been because I had a really rough morning. And it doesn't matter how long you're sober.

I didn't. I have not arrived. I'm sober. I got my sobriety day sex, so October 5th, 1985 and I have not arrived. I need Alcoholics Anonymous as much as I needed it when I first came. You know, I've landed, but I have not arrived and I will never arrive because I'm a drunk.

And I was in a meeting in Seattle one time and there was a guy in a wheelchair and he was celebrating 26 years. And I'll never forget this. The things that I have heard in Alcoholics Anonymous have completely overwhelmed me. They've transformed me and changed my life. Simple things that people have said, I've gone from in a moment of wanting to die into a very same moment wanting to live because of one what one individual has said at a particular meeting. And this guy was celebrating 20, I think it was 26 years.

And he said, he said, I have the same disease today that I had when I was living under the bridge. I had the same disease today that I had when I was drinking. I had the same disease today at 26 years that I had it. Five years, 10 years, 15 years and 20 years. I've changed. My disease hasn't. And that's my story. I have changed, but my disease has not. And it got me this morning. And then I talked to another drunk and it eased it up. Anyway. So my little lame story about my family,

I don't remember

a lot of my childhood and I didn't recognize how fractured I was as a person until I would. I would see my friends that I knew from high school years later and they would start talking to me and they would say remember Mrs. Jones down the street. And I don't fucking remember Mrs. Jones because I was self-centered and I don't remember anything. I just remember being consumed by awkwardness and fear

and terror, just terror. And I function, I function real well in like a a small, like a group of people

and where I felt safe. And one of the reasons I love Alcoholics Anonymous is I feel safe in Alcoholics Anonymous anyway. So my family,

I was raised like you would, you know, I don't blame them for my alcoholism. They were, they were terrific. They were terrific people, but they were horrific parents. That's just the truth.

They didn't have anything left once they went through the war and were devastated. My mom came from a family of nine kids, and two were left. My father came from a family of 13, and three were left. Everyone else was murdered. So they were completely, you know, overwhelmed and devastated and traumatized. And my mother was really, really depressed. And then when she was 44 years old, after the war and they were coming to America and they didn't speak English,

my mother got pregnant with me. And it was probably the last thing in the world that she needed was another mouth to feed. And I did not feel unwanted. That's not what I felt growing up. I did not feel unwanted. I was raised like you would raise a dog and you that you love the dog and you love the dog like this. You feed the dog and you always take the dog to the vet. But the dog has to be a good dog. The good dog has to sit and obey. And as long as I would sit and obey, everything was fine.

But I could not disobey. I could not show any emotion. I could not participate.

It was just, you know, go to your room and keep quiet and get straight A's and shut up because we've been through the war. But I didn't know what they were talking about. And I have two sisters and an older brother and I didn't spend any time with them because they're 1718 and 20 years older than I am. So I was a flower girl at my sister's wedding when I was like 5. So I, I was raised as an only child and, and

I didn't know I was crazy. I didn't think I was crazy. I didn't, you know, I'm, I didn't seem crazy.

Umm, I just felt very different always. And

I think that it doesn't really matter if you're a goody goody or a bady baddy in Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't. I don't care if you're like me, a people pleaser where your survival depends on the approval of other people and you'll sell your soul down the river for their approval. I don't think if you're like that or you're or if you're full of tattoos and you're doing time in the joint, it's the same fucking thing.

It's the opposite ends of the same stick and the stick is see me,

see who I am, notice me. I need someone to acknowledge my existence. And I didn't feel that my existence was acknowledged and I didn't know this when I was growing up. So what I did is I became the ultimate everything I wanted and needed. It wasn't even I wanted. I needed their attention. So I went to goody goody school. So I became, you know,

student first woman student council president and varsity cheerleading captain and math club president and top ten in the class and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Because I thought the more I would do

like a do machine, the more I would do then eventually maybe they would pay attention to me. And I have a little, I have a little, a little. I have these little notes in in in my office at home. And one of the little notes says they'll never change. I like that. I like to remember that. So my mother was, had been an actress before the war

and she loved the art

and oh, and we were poor, but I didn't feel poor. See, this is one of those things I didn't, I didn't, I didn't know I was poor. I was too self-centered to realize it. I, I really was. I didn't get it. I didn't compare myself. I was so consumed with my own emotional content. I was so consumed with how I felt. I was so consumed with my own awkwardness. I was so consumed with me that I didn't see what you had. That's that's the plus side. Like when you get sober and you find out how self-centered narcissistic

really are, there's like a plus side to it too. And the plus side is I didn't live in a comparative state. I didn't know that you were in a better car or had a better house. I was too self-centered. All I wanted in my life was to feel good and I wanted everyone to be responsible for that or anyone or it really didn't matter. It didn't really matter. Whatever. I needed to be fixed. I just needed to be fixed. And I did because I was broken so I didn't need to be fixed

and

and alcohol and drugs fixed me. Fixed me good too, for a long time.

Anyway, so I'm in this home and

I'm going to school in New York City and, and I get in with the wrong crowd. I mean, I don't know my girl. This is a long time ago. My girlfriend's 11 years old. I'm in fifth grade and she's shooting heroin. I don't know. That's, you know, And I'm like, oh, well, OK, I don't, you know, I'm dorky too. Very dorky. So,

so they pull me out, my parents pull me out and they put me in upstate New York in this small school and, and

you know, I don't know if it was mom and apple pie. I don't know anything. I just know that I was driven to get attention and you know, my parents loved me, but I didn't feel it.

I know that they love me today, but I did not feel it. And I was consumed when I with hatred for them for many, many, many, many years. And I've been to therapy because I'm nuts, so. And I've stayed in therapy

because I love to talk about me. But anyway, that's not, that's not even the point. And I did not understand, I did not get relief from my relationship with my mother until I was in the therapist's office. I don't even know I'm talking about this because who knows,

until the therapist said to me one time, was your mother when she was in the concentration camp, was she raped?

And I was in my 30s by that time. And I had never considered, not once, not one time when I was drinking or using, not once did I consider what had happened to them. I did not have the capacity to love. I did not develop the capacity to care about another human being. So I was seven years sober. I did not have the capacity when I got sober to go to the supermarket alone until I was three years sober

and I didn't go to the mall for seven years and I'm Jewish and we're supposed to shop.

I could not go by myself. I did not come in the way. A lot of I'm, I'm the, you know, when they say grave emotional and mental disorders, I just raised my hand. I come from the grave of mental, emotional disorders group. Grave mental and emotional disorders group. And not everybody does. Some people just have a drinking and using problem. I have a drinking and using and mental problem and I have a psychiatric list. The my long and it doesn't matter because the longer I stay sober, the more I think it's acute alcoholism.

The longer I stay sober, the more I realize it's acute alcoholism. Anyway, so my little measly lame story is, so my mom, we don't have, so we're poor, except there's food, so I don't know, we're poor and there's not enough money to buy me a piano, so she takes me to dance class. And then and I loved it. I excelled in it and I love dancing and I became a professional dancer, blah blah blah, blah blah, blah. And I love dancing because it was fantasy and I love fantasy. I love

booze and drugs and men and fantasy and booze and booze and drugs and fantasy and booze and drugs. I had to sort of get, you know, at the end it sort of was just booze and drugs

and fantasy because there was really no room for anyone else in the picture. And I don't like sharing.

And my drug of choice is more so, you know, that's how we end up. You know,

when I think about I, I think, you know, I think back to the way it was and I am

overwhelmed sometimes when I stand up here, I am the last person that I would have thought would have gotten sober

and I was the last person that a lot of people thought would get sober. So you never know.

Anyway, so my mother took me to ballet class and I loved it and I wanted to be a dancer and la, la, la, la, la and I excelled at school and La La, la, la, la and and I was really ugly too. I had this huge nose and it was sort of like hard to be popular and ugly, but I managed. And the way I did it was I did those really. It's just like the clowns in the class. I developed this over exaggerated personality, perfect for speed, vodka and show business. It's like the formula, you know, this big personality that would walk in the room,

probably suck up all the air. Especially when I was high and

I loved being high. Did I tell you that?

Oh, I loved it. I loved not feeling. I can't stand to live in my own skin for a minute. This is not, not today, but when I first got sober. Do you know how I know I'm a drunk and a junkie? I know that I'm a drunk and a junkie. Not because of how much I drank, not because the hospitals I landed in, not because of how much I used, not because the lengths I went to. That's not how I know. I know

that I'm a drunk and a junkie by the way I feel sober. That's what tells me I can't. I couldn't stand sobriety. I can't stand that feeling of awkwardness and self loathing and despair and depression and completely consumed with negative feelings and and I'm a piece of shit and I can't even hear what you're saying. You can't even get through to me because I'm so preoccupied with what's going on right up here.

That's how I know I'm a drunk. Not 'cause I, I a lot of people drink a lot,

they stop at some point. I sort of didn't do that part, but but still, that's not, that's not how I know.

I didn't want to stop. I didn't want to, I didn't want to live. I didn't want to feel. I wanted. I didn't. I thought my feelings like lived by themselves. I didn't know that my feelings came from my thinking. I didn't know any of this. I thought that that I was just one big ball of feeling and it felt horrible and I didn't understand the point of it and why bother? And my hold card was the suicide card. That was my hold card

anyway, so I had this big nose and I was really ugly, but I still was running up at the prom and La La La La La, La, La, La La, and I had a nose job

and which was really good idea and I was really afraid. You know, I have to watch the time because one time I got up to speak in 35 minutes into it. I'm still in 4th grade, so I have to be a little bit, which wasn't that interesting. Mrs. Bailey guards class anyway. No, no, that was third grade, I think. Mrs. Glick. That's was I remember all my all my, all my teachers in because of I, I when looking back, I always thought, what didn't I remember and what did I remember? And I remembered

all the teachers when I went to school upstate and none in New York City. None. I don't remember any of the classes same year, same time. And I think it's because I just realized this now. I think it's because I felt they cared about me. So I think that's the reason. Anyway, so I am now, so I get a scholarship to Delphi University as a dance major blah blah blah blah,

and I'm on the campus and my parents drop me off and this is really kind of all very boring. So it's sort of a boring story.

It's not very dramatic. You know, nobody beat me, although I used to wish they did. I would try to taunt them to beat me, which they didn't do because they were nice people. I wanted some kind of attention and I, and I thought, I thought if I could just, if they would just give me some kind of attention, even if it was negative, it was better than what I was getting, which was zip.

So I go to school and my parents drop me off. And I used to, you know, I learned English

while they were learning English. So I did a lot of, I tried to do what I think are adult things

to help them while they were, you know, while they were trying to do business. And my father was a really hard worker. And he, he held down three jobs and he lived to be 91 and he still ran his own business. And he was, he was an extraordinary man. And

so I land on this campus, right? I land on the campus and, and they drop me off. They don't know what to do. So they just drop me off and leave me with my little suitcase. And I have no idea what to do or where to go because I have no skill level because I've been in this school system and I only know like where to go in a small little area. I can't get out of me

and I go to, I go to school and I get this great roommate and I'm a dance major and I can't go to class and I become excruciatingly depressed. And I don't know, it's depression. I don't know what is, but I'm not going to school and but I'm still good at making friends. And the reason I'm good at making friends is I have to make friends because my survival depends on it. My survival depends on you liking me. I can't live if you don't like me. And so I do everything.

So you will like me and I'm very good at it.

I'm one of the best actresses you'll ever see. I convinced you that I care. Everyone, my parents, my family, the men, everyone, the teachers. I don't have the capacity to care, but I act like I do. I've been doing that all my life. I just act and you believe me. And if you're unfortunate enough to fall in love with me, you're going to get really burnt because I leave a trail of blood because I use you up and spit you out. I use you and then I don't need you anymore. And I step over you and I keep on trucking because that's who

I am. That's who I really AM.

Those are the things that I've learned in sobriety about myself and some of them are not pretty. They're not pretty at all. My sponsor used to say to me, many the truth will set you free. Click after a couple of years that I used to think, doesn't she fucking know anything else? To say? The truth will set you free. The truth will say, I said get a new script, but it's the truth. The truth will set you free. In Alcoholics Anonymous, you'll see a lot of people come in and they're very image oriented,

the very image they have to look good. So I'm going to tell you something. You can save your ass to your face, but you can't say both of them. So I suggest to you that when you go to Alcoholics Anonymous, just be who you are. If you feel bad, say you feel bad. If you hate it, say you hate it. Take the risk and tell the truth and save your life instead of seeking the approval of the people sitting next to you. Because it's been my experience that if you don't, you'll die from this disease. And I bury a lot of people because I'm in sober a long time and I hate it.

I hate that my girlfriend got her arm chopped off four months ago from shooting heroin. I hate it. I hate that she's been trying to get sober for 10 years. I hate it, I hate it. I hate that she puts a relationship with someone I had of her sobriety and she doesn't know it's killing her. They hate it. And if you're looking for a sponsor, find one that cares more about your life than your feelings. Your friends can care about your feelings.

Got to care about your life

because there has to be somebody that tells you the truth. Somebody's got to tell you the truth or you'll die. And dying doesn't. Doesn't seem like a bad option. Probably because you're young

didn't seem like a bad option to me. So I'm assuming it didn't seem like a bad option to you anyway. So I go to school and I feel uncomfortable and I can't go to class. And so I start working at bars and I didn't have my I didn't, I didn't use when I was young. I didn't, I didn't do any of that. I didn't have my first drink flow. I was 18 years old and I my first drink was vodka and orange juice. It was my first. It was middle. It was next to the lay. It was the last. It was the last again. It was the last again. It was the last again. That was the drink. I don't like the way

tastes. I am a horrific drunk. I drink, I pass out, I throw up on your feet. I end up in places that I don't know I'm. It's awful. So I learned the wonderful world of narcotics to combine the drinking with. Because if you take enough speed with drinking, then you could just drink and drink and drink and drink and drink way more than anybody else. And you could just talk and talk and talk and talk way more than anybody else. And you can, you too can clean your VHS with AQ tip for three days.

I don't know about you. That's what I did. Or you can go to the carpet. We can go to the carpet. I was in the bathroom once and one of the hotels in Vegas, I realized this. We locked the doors because everybody, everybody, something happened. The room moved. I don't know, something got jacked up and everybody, you know, we're snorting and it all went over the floor. And so it doesn't matter that it's on the bathroom floor. You close the door and you crawl on your hands and knees and you snort because that's what you do that I don't know what you did, but that's what I did. And so I go to school and I start working at this bar

and I became a go go girl.

You guys don't even probably remember don't even know what Gogo girls are. It doesn't matter. It's

whatever it is, it's listen, it's shaking your tits. That's what it is. Now you now you call it different things. It goes from go go dancer to this dancer to stripper, but it's basically the same thing. And, and, and you make money and then you can, you know, and then you could supply your own habit because I don't want to depend on anybody else because my habits growing really, really, really fast. And one item is with my girlfriend and she and I said to her,

we can't get back in the dorm. I'm still trying to go to school. I don't know how. I don't, I don't, I don't remember any of the teachers. I don't remember any of that. And I said, I, I said to her, she said, oh, don't worry,

you know, don't, don't just go down and stay with my father. He lives in the West Village in New York. And we were out on the island. He lives in the West Village. Go stay with him. I'll tell him you're coming. It'll be 3:30 in the morning. I'll stay. She was working at a different place. I'll stay in another place. And then in the morning I'll come and pick you up. Now. I said, OK, so at 3:30 in the morning, Ding Dong. And this man answers, tall, thin. Looks like between Peter O'Toole and Rod McEwen. It's OK if you don't know The Who those people are either, if that's the right to and

tall blonde, you know, sort of sophisticated, you know, here I am. I'm like a punk, right? And he answers the door and I'm like, stunned by him. I, I don't know why. And he was so kind and he gave me two orange pills and they were vitamins. Why do I remember that? I don't know why that's what I remember. I can't remember blocks of my life, but I remember that he handed me two orange multiple vitamins and and I was in love

and

why is that? If I don't understand, I've never understood why that was funny. I feel like I didn't that happen to you. Did you just like across the room and that was it.

I, I'm, I'm busy. I don't have a lot of time to spend. I, you know, I got drugs to take and deals to make and things to do and things to drink and we got to speed up this thing and I was in love and there was some problems,

just a few.

One problem was he was my girlfriends father was his girlfriends was, the other was, he was gay. The other was he was in a long-term committed relationship with another man. Doesn't stop me. I am not stopped by anything. And the part that I forgot to tell you is I always get what I want. I don't know about you. I don't know how you landed here, but I get what I want. I didn't get to Alcoholics Anonymous because I didn't get what I wanted. I got to Alcoholics Anonymous because I got

exactly what I wanted. So guys, you sort of have to stop and think, what is it that she wanted? Because, well, I wanted him

and,

and I started hanging out with him. I, we left school, we got an apartment with four girls. I started hanging out. We started running and gunning the clubs of New York.

I started dealing drugs to all the gay clubs in New York with four guys on motorcycles with Karen packing weapons with RIP. You know, I am terrified of everything. I can't go to the groceries. I'm like afraid. Everybody's looking at me. But when I'm loaded, I am fearless. And I would rather be fearless than loved. Love doesn't fucking hold a candle to fearless

fear Stops me. I can't do anything. I can't say anything. I can't confront you. I can't speak the truth. I can't tell you what I need. I can't tell you what I want. I can't tell you what I think of you. I can't tell you shit

because I'm too. I'm scared. Love's nice, but fearless. Are you kidding me? I can do anything when I'm loaded. Anything. And I'm not afraid of Jack. Nothing. You give me that bottle of vodka and the methamphetamine and throw some cocaine somewhere in there and I'm going to tell you

I'm not afraid to do or go or say anything, but you take any one of those things away

and I can't get out of the closet.

So, you know, hands down, hands down, I want to use and drink. And I staged a suicide and I didn't know much about pills then. That wasn't my drug of choice at this time. I didn't, I didn't know about that. And I almost died. It was supposed to be staged for attention and I, I nearly died. And the bottom line is I married him

because I got what I wanted.

And I'm going to tell you something. I was speaking. I was sober a long time. I was sober 1993 to like, I don't know, I'm, I'm trying to think I think

five like 7/16/17 or 18 years and I'm speaking at this camp Odyssey, this camp out and I'm up there and all of a sudden it occurs to me this is like 1718 years sober. It occurs to me, I never could think why did he marry me?

Like I couldn't. And then I realized at 17 or 18 years sober, I was baked. I was young. I was hot when I was young and he was getting older. And so I was baked for his boyfriends. And I didn't realize that it's until 70 or 18 years because had I realized that one minute earlier, I might have had to blow my brains out. That's why

so when you take the steps and you think you've arrived,

you've taken them to the best of your ability to that point, you'll be back.

Oh, oh, you'll come back because you'll remember and you'll be able to live with it.

You'll remember and you'll be able to live with it. Because one minute before that, I don't know if I could have lived with that information, but when it came out of my mouth, I was OK. My husband and I had a very tempestuous relationship. He had a guy that he was really hot for and and that guy really liked me and that's why I came into the picture and it doesn't matter. And that guy ended up marrying my husband's daughter. It gets, it's very, it's like a bad soap opera. It makes Desperate Housewives

starter set and and and I was in it and it was fueled by booze, drug. And

I believes to call my husband and say, what is she doing? And he says, I don't know, her nose is in the bag because that was the era of that. And I was at, you know, Studio 54 was nothing. It was a starter set and and I lived during the time of Warhol and don't look it up in the books. And,

and I was just, I partied hard and I didn't care. And I would be on the stoop

in a snowstorm and the door would be locked and I couldn't get in because my husband was with this man. And I would accept that because I didn't think I was worth anything. And la, la, la. And you know, none of this.

And my husband was a paranoid schizophrenic. He was a Shakespearean director, and he was brilliant and he was kind and he was loving and he was like my mom and dad all rolled into one despite all of this. But he was a paradise schizophrenic. And it didn't come out until one day I were living in Brooklyn and I came home and he was in his underwear playing with dog shit, telling me that he was Jesus Christ.

And I put him in an institution and I put him in Kings County. And it's a horrific place. It's awful. It's like it's where one person is shooting in the corner and the other person is playing with a gun and the other person is peeing on your foot. And it's just for the criminally instead. It's just horrid. And it began like a spiral of a couple of years where I would you would be institutionalized. And I was just running and gunning and running and gunning on. And one night I was out partying out the islands and it was Christmas and I decided not to spend

my husband and my husband hung himself. And I, I didn't kill him. But I'm going to tell you something. I didn't add to the quality of his life either. And I have to live with that. And I am not a goody goody. And Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't think you get to clean every fucking thing up that you ever did. I think that you do service and that's what cleans it up. I can't

take back anything that I did or didn't do with him

because he's gone. But in service, if I help somebody else, maybe, maybe that means something. And

I just used that as an excuse to keep on running a gun. And I ended up in Vegas doing shows and staying high and

and I ended up OD ING in Reno. And I was such a good actress that I convinced everybody that it was the altitude. They went, Oh my God, it's the altitude. You know, this is one pile of vodka and I don't know how many bags of cocaine later backstage and and,

and by this time I need, I need to be I need, I need somebody to support my habit because I'm not capable of supporting it myself. And so they become mistress to this very powerful man, Very nice man. You know, I, I, I, I feel bad for people that fall in love with drunks. Like I went the speakers today were great and champ was wonderful yesterday and I needed the meeting. So I'm so glad I went and I went to hear the Allen on speaker today and I just, I just thought, Oh my God, I, I,

we just ripped through people's lives. We just leave a trail of blood and see a baby. I mean, it's just, and this guy fell in love with me and I'm, you know, we're on the, and I had, I had the life that everybody thinks they want. I had the life that that everybody dreams about. I had a contract at Universal Studios as an actress and I lived in $1,000,000 house and I had all these diamonds and I hated diamonds at the time and I didn't like jewelry and I had a Rolls Royce, but I was so high, I could never drive it because I don't like to have good things. I'm not the kind of person that

to show off, I don't like that because I need you to like me and I, you're not going to like me with that stuff. I'm the kind of person that goes to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I put a hole in my stocking. So you'll like me because I'm smart like you're smart. We're smart. Drunks and junkies are very, very, very smart. So we manipulate. So I will make you think

that I'm less than because I know you'll like me better. And you know what? I'm right when I'm less than, you do like me better. But at some point, I can no longer survive that.

At some point I can no longer be the victim, even though you really like me when I am. Can't do it. Gonna die behind it.

And so this, you know, this poor guy and I have, you know, blah. I have everything, you know, the home and the this I don't even like all that shit. And I have, you know, I have a house. He gets me a house. You know, this is like when you're a mistress. It gets me a house at the pool table in the kitchen. I don't play pool. I and I have 4 bedrooms but they're all closed because the boogeyman is coming because of the paranoia starting. So I can't live there. I can only live in my bedroom with the bottles underneath and in the kitchen.

And I can't go to the other rooms because I think there's Spooks in there. And you know, you know, all this shit that what happens to us when you know, just the stuff that happens to us. And

I

had a girlfriend when I was when I was dancing and she she said to me, I want you to meet my husband. And I said, OK, you know, I'm high. I don't go anywhere doing. And she introduced me. I went home with her and she introduced me. Her husband, husband's name was, he died sober. His name was Richard Riley. And he was an extraordinary man. And he spent three hours talking to me

and I think he pointed to the book. I don't know. I don't remember because

she was not a drunk and they had wine in the house and I drank 2 bottles of his wine and I told him that I wasn't an alcoholic, I was a drug addict and to eat I, you know, you know how that you know the status, little status there. I love, I love the people you know, I love. I love the people that like come into Alcoholics Anonymous and they say, you know, I didn't want to be alcoholic. Let me tell you something, alcoholic was a step up for me. I was looking at spending the rest of my life in a loony bin. I was twisted. I couldn't put sentences together.

Unemployable. I went to meetings in my pajamas. I sat and rocked back and forth in my closet. I went to the shrink three times a week in the first two years on credit because he felt so bad for me.

I made I was first job. I got sober this last time. I went from this monstrous to career career to this. I work for this guy in a telemarketing place and I answered phones and he called me cunt and I made $167 a year and I took it from him right because he didn't harass me and because he let me go to meetings. I don't know why I'm bringing this up. I never know what I get up here like what's going to come out, which is I think one of the reasons I get really scared too. But anyway,

that same guy, years later, I had directed and choreographed a nice show and it was playing at a hotel and I bumped into him at an airport. I was eight years sober. And he came up to me and he said, I'm so sorry for how I spoke to you. And I said that's OK, you want some tickets?

I did. And he said, why'd you take it? And I said because you let me go to a A. And he said I didn't know what a A was. I said you didn't know, but you let me out early. So he may have called me cunt, but he saved my life

and eight years later I got to see it

anyway. Listen,

I have to pinch myself when I'm sitting up here. When people do the countdown,

I'm so impacted

by people getting sober because I know how hard it is. And I'm so impacted when people have a day or two and they're able to step up because I would not have been able to. I was the person that got sober and sat in the room and I had to sit where the coffee was or near the bathroom because if I sat over there and the coffee was there, I couldn't walk to get the car because I thought you were watching me and I'm not. I'm not that nuts. I knew you weren't, but that's how I felt and I was

catatonic. I couldn't move,

so I made sure at meetings that I sat near the bathroom or near the coffee because I didn't want to walk across. And this didn't go away very this, none of this shit that I'm telling you went away quickly. None of it slowly, very, very slowly. Anyway, my little melodrama where wise I who died now a lot of experience, enormous amount of death, I think enormous amount of death. Anyway, so Richard's talking to me. He's talking to me and I, I don't know what he said because I'm like loaded,

but he told me things about himself that I would not tell my husband if I were married to him for 40 years. I would not divulge these things. And he told me these secrets about his life. And I was like, I didn't know that he had planted a seed in from in Alcoholics Anonymous for me. I didn't know that what I felt was trust. And you know how we are. We don't trust shit. We don't trust anybody, ever.

Because we've been betrayed. So we're like, the walls are up. We just pretend to love. Can't feel shit?

Don't care, just manipulate to get what we want to make us feel better because we hate ourselves. Alcoholics. There it is. Boom. You want, a little you want. There's the description, and I don't care if you're 18 or 14 or 12 or 15.