Tennessee Conference of Young People in Alcoholics Anonymous in Memphis, TN

I've known Jason for probably 9 years, since the year 2000, and the way I met him was a couple of friends of mine that I went through treatment with, he was sponsoring. And then what happened is they went out and relapsed and I was kind of left with no young people around me. And

Jason pretty much opened up his home to me. I would come up and see him on weekends from Mississippi. And I owe, probably owe a good portion of my sobriety to him. He's offered a lot to Ticky Paw and a lot to young people all over Tennessee. And so without further ado, Jason.

Hey guys. My name is Jason Battles. I'm an alcoholic.

Love Jason. Lots and lots and lots.

Thank you, I love you guys too

and the energy and the love and the laughter in here's is awesome. This is exactly what I needed and I I hope it's exactly what all you guys need Before we get started

is if anyone's here for their first ticky paw. Never been here before? Stand up.

And for for all of those of you that are that didn't stand up, let's make it our job this weekend to help everybody who's never been here feel welcome and loved because that that's what Ticky Paws done for me. And

there's a gentleman here who's this is Ticky pod #27 if you guys didn't realize. And there's a guy here that's been to all 27 in a row.

Ron, stand up, stand up.

That will conclude the audience participation portion.

Thank you guys. If there's a lot of people that have a lot of love for ticky paw here and have been coming here for years and supporting us. So ask around. This is my 10th ticky paw and I'm I'm really grateful to be here and I'm grateful to be sober. And my sobriety date is May 16th of 1999.

My Home group is the Hickory Hill Group in Memphis, TN. We meet Tuesday nights and Saturday nights at 8:00 PM. So if you're ever in Memphis and you're looking for a meeting, my name is Jason Battles and I'm in the phone book. Call me and we'll go to a meeting or I'll tell you how to get to 1. And that that's been my experience with Alcoholics Anonymous that sometimes we can be too anonymous inside the program. And I've known people for going on 10 years and I can't tell you their last name.

I really don't know anyone's last name.

Sometimes I don't even know their first name, but I I know their faces

and you know, that's been a big thing. No longer that I stay sober is when things happen and people when we're looking for one another, sometimes it's hard to find each other.

I, I don't know what most, you know, young speakers do.

I'm a real bad critic. I'm a real bad speaker critic. And I can't stand it when people talk for 55 minutes about their drunk log and then say they're grateful to be sober. So I, I'm going to skip through mine really fast. And, you know, if, if I wasn't an alcoholic, I wouldn't be here. So I really don't feel the need to qualify that much. I've been sober a little over three times longer than I ever drank,

so hopefully I can talk about my sobriety for about 3 times longer than I talk about what it was like when I drank. That's the goal. And you know, I definitely qualify for this program genetically. I come from a long line of distinguished Alcoholics and I thought that's what made me an alcoholic is because my parents were and my grandparents were, and

coming to AAI came to realize that I'm an alcoholic because I put alcohol in my body.

No one ever forced me.

They talk about victims and volunteers my entire,

I wouldn't call it drinking career. It's more of like a drinking internship.

It was real short and I didn't get whole lot out of it. You know that that's

and I think most young people are like that.

So

anyway, nobody ever made me drink. I was definitely a volunteer. And that's the way I've tried to be through through my sobriety because I've heard in here and I firmly believe that that victims get drunk.

So anyway, I growing up, you know, I'm from a small town in Arkansas. Nothing really traumatic ever happened to me. Nothing bad happened to me,

I was just like I've heard in here and I could really relate

when people talked about feeling uncomfortable and

justice being being uncomfortable. Something didn't sit right with me, and it was that way for as long as I can ever remember. And I think that

that I was born with all of the isms and all I needed to do was add alcohol. And there, you know, I had alcoholism.

But growing up, you know, things were fine. I have two sisters. We're all very close. We're less than a year apart. So we're, we're very close,

but grew up, you know, my, my father was a workaholic and an alcoholic. My mother was there but not there at the same time.

But you know, nothing traumatic happened that I can really point my finger on that turned me into an alcoholic as a child.

My, my parents got divorced at a young age. I think I was, I was, I don't know, 7-8. And that was probably about the most traumatic thing that's ever happened to me. And when the book talks about Jekyll and Hyde, that's where I learned from a very early age how to manipulate people, how to play one person against the other person to get what I want.

And, you know, I just kind of hone those skills as I grew up as an alcoholic. And I think,

you know, that that's what most of us do. And I saw other people do it, and I just kind of mimicked and parroted their behavior.

But growing up, I had these two separate lives, just like I did when I was drinking. And I would stay with my mother half the week. And it was like, Leave it to Beaver, dinner on the table, 6:00 PM every night. Rules, consistency, things that, you know, children need. Monday through Thursday night. And then Thursday night, I would go to my father's house and it was like party time.

Even even as a little kid, you know, there were no rules, no regulation, no consistency. And I learned, you know, from this early age that

that, that I can basically do what I want and I can tell one parent one thing and tell the other parent one thing,

you know, just just make my own way.

And this, you know, continued for years. And I did fine in school and everything was OK. And

you know, I had AI had a car and I drove, you know, it like, I don't know, age 12:00-ish. And I don't know if that's normal, but I, I couldn't do that in my normal life, but I could do it in my crazy life on the weekends, you know, and I was always volunteering to go to the store to get my dad's cigarettes or whatever. You know, when it was just like when you get your license, you're always willing to go to the store.

And in the small town that I grew up in, you know, my, my father's a prominent Dr. and everyone knows everyone. So if I ever got in trouble,

police would just bring me home, kind of like they do on Andy Griffith where they just kind of drop you off the front door and they go talk to your parents. And that started to happen right before I started drinking. And, you know, I didn't really start drinking till I was

a sophomore in high school. I was 16 years old. And man, I can remember it. Like everybody talks about remembering their first drink. Of course, I was with older kids and could always relate to them. And I went and I just did everything all in one night. I drank, I did drugs, I smoked, and I had sex. It was like The Big Bang and

it was, it was great.

It was great. And I, I remember those like Nancy Reagan just say no to drugs commercials. And I was thinking like, Oh no, am I going to be homeless living on the streets? And you know, I could remember all those commercials. So, you know, they work to some extent. They just didn't work that well

and you know, I was off to the races and just like everyone in here says that something magical happened. I put alcohol in my body and something happened and you know, I got sick and it was great and I couldn't wait to do it again. And you know, I wasn't an all day, everyday drinker.

Being at this conference and seeing so many young people and teenagers, young teenagers, it's nice to be able to find people to relate to. Alcohol just was not accessible, you know, and I lived, I was an underage alcoholic in a dry county. So they did not serve alcohol in my county. I had to go 45 minutes down the Interstate

to try to profile some guy in the parking lot to see if he would buy me beer. And we called it just, we called it pulling a hay Mr.

And we'd go, hey, Mr. will you buy some beer? And he'd think, sure. And we'd give him this list like a scroll. We just pull it out and we'd give them hundreds of dollars. And he just, you know, generally the guy we profiled, you know, he was cool if we bought his,

I don't know, Mad Dog or whatever he got.

So he would have like a $2.00 purchase out of our $200.00 purchase, but we would just get as much alcohol as we could just because it was so difficult. And you know, the fact that there were only two liquor stores, one on either side of the Interstate, my friends dad owned one, so we couldn't go to that one. So, I mean, so the options were limited, but, you know, I, I was willing to go to any length,

any length to drink alcohol

and to change the way that I felt. And I didn't know that at the time, but you know, it was true. And through high school, again, you know, I was leading the double lives and I was a really good student. And I was, you know, on all these committees and the president and the band and did all these things and drinking and getting high every weekend and that Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

And I didn't think that it was abnormal. And like most Alcoholics I've met, you know, I surrounded myself with people who were worse than me.

So I really didn't look that bad compared to my buddies. And looking back, you know, I'm really grateful that I survived my teenage years and lived through them. So, you know, being in this small town, we had access to a lot of dynamite. And I have all my fingers and all my toes and, you know, people were blowing things up. And it was just, it was, it was like Dukes and it was like Duke's a hazard.

That's what it was like a rampant cars and just things that teenagers do that I thought was completely normal, that apparently it is not very normal, maybe for those of us in here.

Anyway, I went through high school. Everything was fine. But you know, alcohol was continuing to take a more important part of my life and I was less and less concerned with my family. I was less concerned with girls. I was less concerned with everything except alcohol was most important. And I really didn't I

it's not that I didn't want to have a real serious girlfriend. It's just that I couldn't, I didn't have time for it. I had alcohol. That was all that I needed. And I eventually, you know, went off to college and I could have gone to any college I wanted to. And I picked this small private college and my older sister actually went to the same school. And the dynamics of our family, you know, she's the Angel. She's never drank, she's never did drugs. She's probably one of the best people I've ever met in my life. I don't know how she

she might be adopted or something. I don't know how she fits in. She's definitely not an alcoholic. Then there's me in the middle. I'm a little of and then there's my younger sister. She's kind of the rowdy one. So we kind of have, you know, the full spectrum like we do here in a a Anyway, all these people that knew my older sister Jenny thought that I was going to be just like her. And we and I tried, I tried my hardest to to be that good person

who was polite and

maybe at least acted like they went to church and, you know, was a good person. I tried and we had this orientation trip and, you know, I went and all the people already knew me because it was such a small school through my sister and I showed up and I tried to be good and I managed for like a day. And I met this girl and I had been at college for

probably about two hours maybe. And I met this girl and I just instantly fell into love.

And it was just like she was exactly what I had been looking for at it as an 18 year old kid. She was an alcoholic, drug addict, nymphomaniac.

I was like, I have I have arrived and on day two of college, she moved in with me

and and my roommate into our dorm room. And it was it was crazy. It was those intense alcoholic relationships that, you know, some of us get pulled into and it was madness. And it was over in 90 days. But

it was,

yeah, it was a blast. It was, it was what I thought college was. And you know, the crazy thing about this college was extremely liberal and, and they had this alcohol policy. And at the time, it was just the most stringent thing I had ever heard of. It was this was the whole policy. Put your alcohol in a cup

with a lid. That's it. That's all policy.

Cup lid. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it

and if you got in trouble with alcohol is a $50 fine and I think I'm asked about $3000 worth of fines in my first semester. I just couldn't cut lid, just couldn't do it. And,

and you know, that that's that's not normal.

And I thought that it was OK. You know, I thought they were just cracking down on me. They would, it was circumstances like it talks about in the book. If this was different than that would be different. And you know, on and on. And it was never my fault. It was always everyone elses fault and all these things. And anyway, my drinking was seriously progressing and I did OK my first year of school. I don't know, I pulled out like a three-point or something, I don't know how. And I went back home and

again, alcohol was becoming more important than my friends and my family than anyone. And I went back for my second year of school. I guess it was 19 years old, 18/19. And

by this time, you know, we have this crazy schedule. We had like a, we went to class Monday, Tuesday, we were off on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, you know, so to an alcoholic party Thursday night, party Friday night, party Saturday night, recover Sunday, recover Monday, got a party Tuesday night because we're off on Wednesday, recover Wednesday. So I was binge drinking, blackout drinking

at least four or five nights a week consistently. And I thought that was OK because there were those two nights in between

that I could kind of, you know, make myself feel OK and

just alcohol was was was the most important thing in my life. And I didn't even notice. And, and that's it. That's my drunk log.

Now moving on to what happened. I I had this roommate, this randomly assigned roommate who was, I hope this guy's found his way to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I don't know if you can be a marijuana addict,

but if you can, this guy was it.

And he, he was a big guy And we had, you know, dorm rooms have these tiny little bunk beds and he couldn't get in the bunk bed. So he's, he slept in this recliner and he lived in that recliner. And my, my younger sister had come up to party with us, you know, by four or five times had never seen the guy outside of the recliner ever.

So anyway, this guy would just sit in there and smoke pot all day and and never left the room. And

it would have like food delivered in.

And you know, in here we talk about a moment of clarity and

God wasn't a part of my life before I came to AAA. And when I said alcohol was the most important thing in my life, it really was. It was big enough that I didn't have, I didn't have to pray, I had alcohol. I didn't have to think about God. I had alcohol. It did everything for me that I needed. I didn't really even need other people. I just needed alcohol,

you know, We were in our tiny little dorm room and I was going to get alcohol. And if she was, it was the day before school was out.

So one more day of school and then Christmas break. This was in, I don't know, December 1998. And I was going to get more alcohol and more drugs. And, and this thought came to me like a like a lightning bolt that if I go and get all these things, I'm going to get busted. And I had never had that, you know, I'd been paranoid stuff, but I never had that clarity of thought like that. And I just brushed it off. Like I brushed it off, those thousands of.

Times that had happened before. There are times when I shouldn't have been alive. And I was.

I went and I got all these things and I brought them back to her little dorm room. And, you know, with all the superintendents and all the people that would give me all the little alcohol fines were all standing outside the room, thought this is strange. And I tried to put my key in the door and it didn't work. And they all came up and they said, Mr. Battles, your key doesn't work because we changed your locks. I thought, oh, that's not good. And he said, I want you to sit down

right here. I'm going to go get some people.

And, you know, I had all these all this alcohol and drugs on me and I was just so paranoid. So what did I do? I ran over my neighbors room and asked him if he could hold on to this momentarily and came back. And, you know, it was a private school and they didn't call the police. And the guy said, you know, if you're cooperative with us and give us whatever you have, then we won't call the authorities. And so we were very cooperative. And, you know, they just pulled trash bags and trash bags out of our dorm room

of, you know, alcohol and drugs and all these things we weren't supposed to have at school. And my instant reaction was to blame everything on him. And I. I just had this great idea, you know, like we do. How can I get myself out of this? Well, here's 2 great ideas. Number one, I'll blame my roommate for everything. And #2 I'll tell everybody that I'm an alcoholic and then I need help.

And yeah, I thought it was a great idea at the time

and and that that would be retribution enough for all these things I had done. I'd probably seen it on TV or something.

All these people come around them and, you know, do their little intervention or hugging or something. And you know, I, so I told everyone this at school and they said, well, great, we'll get you some help, thought no, I don't want to help.

So they, they, you know, made me, they said you're kicked off campus temporarily since it was the last day of school. And like, what can they do? So I went home. It was Christmas break and I,

I went home and I was on break and I was trying not to tell my parents the secret, the biggest secret of my entire life. And I didn't know what was going to happen and

I've managed to hold it in for a couple weeks like we do. And finally I

had another great idea. And I thought, you know, I'm going to, I have to tell my parents. So I decided that I would go to my mother and I'd tell her and I'd say I got this terrible thing and I have to tell you it's terrible, but I can't tell you right now.

And then I went and told my father and I said the exact same thing. Oh, it's terrible. I told mom and

we need to meet at your house tomorrow. And I gave him a whole night to just just Mull it over and really come up with some awful things. And by the time they came together the next day, you know, I told him I got in trouble at school and I got caught with alcohol and drugs. They were like, that's it, you know, because they had invented like we do with this magic magnifying mind, all these horrible things. And I said, well, good, we want you to stop drinking and doing drugs. And you know, I tried and I'm real grateful that I've had

experience before I came here because I realised that I can't get sober on my own and I can't stay sober on my own. It was the most miserable. I managed to stay sober for a month and I wanted to die. Every single and every day was worse than the day. And I thought I could do it and I just couldn't. And like our book says, you know, some trivial reason came along and I just said,

you know, screw it, let's go drink. And I remember going to somebody's house. I started drinking. And the moment I started, I didn't want to anymore. And, you know, I started feeling that feeling and I wanted to go away. And it was my birthday and all these people were coming over to my house, and I had started and I couldn't stop. And, you know, I had to go

act, play that game with my family. Like I was OK. And,

you know, from then on, I was off to the races. And I thought my family didn't. And in that, you know, brief month period, I had started getting a little clarity

coming out of that fog and instantly it was gone. And when the book talks, you know, after this brief period of sobriety, if we drink again, it gets worse. Never. And I firmly believe that. And I truly picked up right where I left off. And granted, it was only a month, but that was the longest I'd ever been since I had started drinking. And I really believe in the fatalness of this disease.

And anyway, I kept drinking for, I don't know, month or two. And I was pretty messed up the whole time. And my parents pulled that trick on me that I pulled on them. And I came over and my dad showed up. My mom showed up. And I thought, Oh no, something happened.

Terrible. And they said, you know, we know you've been drinking and we want you to go to treatment. And this was Friday, May 14.

I just said OK because I couldn't do it any longer. And, you know, I wasn't sure that I was an alcoholic. I thought that I was depressed. And, you know, if you take a solution away from an alcoholic, we are depressed because I didn't have anything else to put in myself to make me OK.

And, you know, I had this other great idea. And I told my parents. They said, well, the treatment center is not intaking

admitting new patients till Sunday and this was Friday and I said great, I'll be back on Sunday.

And you know, I'm real grateful for that because I know a lot of young kids that get jerked into treatment straight off the bus or wherever, you know, however they get home from school,

that didn't happen to me. And I had an entire weekend to go drink and do drugs. Like it was the 2nd and last time that I was ever going to do them again. And I did. And I went back to that college on Friday night

that had been suspended from

like it was the 2nd to last time I was ever going to. And I met this girl and we were going off somewhere, I don't know, And I was a blackout drinker. And that was my favorite thing about drinking. And I called it time travel.

I would be here and I would start drinking and I would wind up in another city or another state or another place and have no idea how it got there. And I think when you're a teenager, maybe it's fun,

but once, you know, I hear people in Alcoholics Anonymous talk about what it's like when they have children and responsibilities, and it doesn't sound so fun. But for me, it was fun.

And I remember distinctly, you know, I went off with this girl and the next day I woke up on a couch somewhere and I didn't know where I was. And I didn't know who I was and I didn't know where my car was and I didn't know anything. And just for some reason it struck me, this is abnormal. Normal people don't do this. And I just shook it off like I always did. And I went,

went back home and it was high school graduation night

and this was the last time that I had a drink. And I was drinking like it was the last time I was ever going to drink. And, and I did and I had fun and my buddies dropped me off at my house and they said, hey, we'll come by and get you tomorrow. And I said, no, you won't, I'm going to treatment. And they were really surprised because I, you know, I didn't, I didn't tell anybody. And I learned from an early age, don't ever tell anybody what's really going on with you because they might be able to use that against you.

So I never did. And anyway, I woke up the next day and I went to treatment and I stayed inpatient for three days, just like a good alcoholic. I was really,

I was really offended that they tried to take my shoelaces away and they wouldn't let me have my little razor to shave.

And, you know, I, I think being so young and being a teenager, you know, I didn't have any DTS. I just, I was fine physically. I didn't have any problems. I had a tough time sleeping, you know, for a night or two. But I definitely was not an alcoholic,

you know, was over 18. So I was in the adult treatment center. And I looked around and I thought, God, these people have problems. And, you know, looking back now, they were where I would have been a few years later. I just couldn't see it at the time. And you know, the miracle happened when this man from Alcoholics Anonymous showed up

and he was about my age now, and he was dressed in a suit and he was smiling and he was laughing. And something was going on with that guy. And he came in and he told his story and he carried the message like we do in here. And he said

that that's where I had my moment of clarity. And he said, you know, when I was in college, I thought I would drink up to this point. They tell him, 25. And then I graduate college and I would stop. I would get that job and I would stop. I would get married and I would stop or moderate.

And then, you know, if that progression and I had told myself all those things, when this happens, I'll stop or moderate. When this happens, I'll stop or moderate. And he and he told his story and he told the progression and I saw myself doing those things and it just cracked the door just that much. And I thought, well, maybe I can be an alcoholic. Maybe I qualify. Probably not, but maybe

that was enough willingness, this man from Alcoholics Anonymous telling me his story

to make me decide to stick around for a 90 day outpatient treatment. And you know, it was probably the most willing I've ever been in my sobriety. I got up every day

5:00 AM and drove to Little Rock about an hour and a half away and did treatment for like 8 hours. Drove home, went to a meeting,

rinse and repeat. And I did that every single for 90 days.

And then somewhere along the lines I had, you know, I had auditioned to this music school at Memphis. I never really been to Memphis

graduated. I love that word. I graduated treatment. And what I really did is I graduated to Alcoholics Anonymous and I moved to Memphis. And I remember distinctly, you know, I was driving in my little car, I had it packed up with all my belongings. I took a wrong turn and I was in this really shady area downtown,

and I saw these cop cars and I thought, oh, at this gas station, I thought, oh, that's a great place. I'll pull over and ask these guys because I wasn't afraid anymore. I had a little glimpse of that freedom and apparently somebody had just gotten murdered. And they were like, they told me, get in your car, roll up your windows and just drive straight and don't stop. And I just thought, Oh my God, wow, this is where I'm going to be living.

And I, I, I lived in the dorms

and I stayed sober. And it's possible to go to college or to return to college and live in the dorms and stay sober. And at that time, you know, I was, I was willing and I knew you needed to get a sponsor. And I found this meeting real close to the university and I started showing up. And it was this meeting called the NAB group New Action Beginners. Man, it was scary.

But you know, the blessing of being new in sobriety is I didn't know that it was scary. I just thought that's what AA was

and people were nice and they reached out to me and all that. I just, I just couldn't really relate to a bunch of 50 year old steel workers.

And, and it's not to say they didn't do what we do in a, a, you know, I think when we're, we're a special group of people. And that's why conferences like this are so important to show other young people that it's possible to get sober and to stay sober and that you're not alone. And there weren't a lot of young people in Memphis or there wasn't a lot of unity. Maybe they were dispersed. I don't know, 10 years ago there weren't a whole lot, but there were enough to have conferences like this.

And you know, it's thanks to the people that have gone before us and helped us out because we definitely couldn't have done it on our own. But anyway, I went to a lot of meetings and I asked this guy to be my sponsor. He was kind of young looking and, you know, come to find out, he hadn't really worked the steps. And

it was a, it was a real hard time in my sobriety because I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing. And I went to class all day every day. I made straight A's. And I was miserable because just because I was coming to meetings didn't mean that I was getting any better. I just wasn't likely getting any worse. I hadn't started working the steps yet. And one day I was sitting locked up in my little dorm room,

and I only knew two roads in Memphis. I knew Poplar and I knew Perkins.

If you know those roads that like connects to everything. And I saw this meeting, it was called Serenity and it was right at the corner basically a Poplar and Perkins.

And I thought, you know, I've heard that word before Serenity. I think I need some of that. And I went up there and it changed my life because it was it was a true a a meeting. And people reached out their hands and they said, we're glad you're here. Welcome. Come sit by us. Would you like some coffee doing all the things that we do in here. And they also razz me a little, you know, like the old timers,

you know, I came to find out that they do that I love. And also

they didn't necessarily accept me automatically. They accepted me as an alcoholic, but they wanted to see if I was going to come back before they really put any effort into me because there were other people there that may have been more willing than me. And anyway, I met a lot of sober, long time members

of Alcoholics Anonymous and this guy was really talking to me a lot. And it was the first time that anyone had ever reached their hand out and made me feel welcome. And it was a big deal. It was a real big deal.

Then after the meeting, he invited me out for coffee and Donuts. And you know, as trivial as that sounds, it was the biggest thing that had happened to my sobriety up to that point. No one had invited me to anything.

I definitely didn't feel part of, you know, I went out and started talking to this guy and he looked really old, but he had like some cool shoes on or something, you know, Come to find out, he was eight or nine years older than me. He just had really Gray hair. Looked old.

Excuse me.

So anyway, we went out and I asked him to be my sponsor and I felt this love of AAA that we have in here and we started working the steps and I would go to his house and we would sit in his driveway in lawn chairs and read the book. And I really believe like it talks about that when one alcoholic meets with another alcoholic and shares experience, strength and hope that that's when recovery begins. And that's when it began for

and we set out in his driveway for, I don't know, couple months. And I thought that's what you did in.

Apparently, that's not what you do in,

you know, this about a year or two prior to this, he was sponsoring a young guy in, you know, had a mental break and shot some people and killed him in a A. And

I didn't know that we were sitting out in the driveway because he didn't want to bring me into my home because he didn't know me well enough. And I learned very quickly that just because people are in these rooms doesn't mean they want to get better. And, you know, I've met the best people I've ever met in my life and Alcoholics Anonymous. And I've also met some of the craziest.

So now when I meet people, I I'm a little more cautious. And it's just, it's just from my experience.

So anyway, sorry to be morbid there.

We continue to work the steps and something started happening and like when I drank, something happened. When I read the book, something happened and

I think what was most important for me is, is the freedoms that we grant one another in Alcoholics Anonymous that you might not think about, like the freedom to, for me to say that I'm an alcoholic

or not, that no one forces me to make that decision. And I found all that stuff in the book and we started reading through and we read every single page. We read the forward and the preface and the doctor's opinion and bill story and there's a solution and so on. And, and what I found in there was, was amazing. This book spoke to me like nothing else ever did. And the concept up to that point, I would identify as an alcoholic, but I don't know if I really believed it. And people told me that

I

Maybe you're not an alcoholic, maybe you're just a problem drinker. And if drinking is causing you problems in your life, then maybe it's a problem. Stay around, come back and find out what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you want to be a part of it, you're welcome to.

And that was kind of that open door policy that we have here. And it was very beneficial for me. We started reading the book and, and the doctor's opinion, it talked about the, the allergy and the phenomenon of craving. And that that's what makes me an alcoholic is when I put alcohol into my body, it causes the phenomenon of craving and I cannot stop. And that's what makes me an alcoholic. And that's what differentiates me from people who are non alcoholic. It doesn't have anything to do with how much money I have or how much education or

which my parents have or any of that. When I drink, something happens and that's simple. That's black and white. And when I drank, something happened and I said, well, maybe I am an alcoholic. Maybe I do qualify for this program.

That was really important for me to realize because I was so busy looking in the meetings at everyone's outsides and I hadn't lost a job or a car or house or wife. I didn't have any of those things to lose. And

when I got into the book, I saw I found the solution and the secret

is hidden in the book. And I had to get a sponsor to show me where all that stuff is. And I had read through the book. I just couldn't understand it. And I needed someone to explain it to me from their own experience. And you know, one of the other greatest freedoms, and it's early in the book. It's on page 12.

Ebby and Bill meet and they're talking. And you know, why don't you choose your own conception of God, however limited that it may. Just use that as a starting point and you can grow from there. And no one had ever presented the God concept or idea like that to and no one had ever asked what I thought about God.

I had just always seen people tell me what I should believe about God. And here in AA black and white in the pages, my sponsor asked me, what do you think about God? What has your experience shown you? And I rattled off a few things. And I think that's one of the greatest freedoms that we allow in here is the ability to start right where we and he told me that you know everything you need to know about.

And it's enough to keep you sober and it's enough to get you sober. And, you know, that was really empowering because I thought that I had to be a better person or I had to do different things. And when I came into a A and I heard people saying

God and motherfucker in the same sentence,

I realized that the hoop is pretty large

and it talks about that in the 12:00 and 12:00. And it's broad and roomy and all inclusive. And that's what AA is too, you know, And I'm, I'm really grateful for that. And I, my sponsor was talking about his concept of God. And I don't remember what it was, but it was comforting. And he said, if you don't have one, you can borrow mine till you get your own. Or, you know, the things that I hear and hear good orderly direction,

use the group. And you know, one of the things I don't hear as much anymore, but I used to hear it. If you have a problem with God, just use the doorknob. And you know, I really disagree with that. It says take your own conception, however limited it is. And it doesn't say invent a God, as if I invented a God, it would probably look a lot like me and do whatever I wanted to do.

And that's what I did before I got sober. And going through and, you know, coming up with this conception and believing that whatever I came up with was enough to keep me sober and help me get sober and keep me sober. And, you know, go moving a little forward to step three. I just started praying

and my sponsor asked me to find a guy that I could talk to and it was simple and I, I really didn't know how to pray and my sponsor said, well, why don't you ask God to relieve you of the desire to stop drinking? I had never thought about that ever. And you know, I still pray that prayer every day and most times throughout the day when something happens, I just say, God, please help me.

And I fell in the blank. And it's, it works. It really does. And probably one of the most important things I did in my sobriety is I went through and I did a four step.