Steps 1, 2 and 3 at the Men Among Men Group's first conference in Copenhagen, Denmark

Is everybody connected?

Who's large and in charge?

Random strategy to accept the case that cannot change,

to change the things I can and based on to know the difference. Thank you.

Hi everybody. My name is Mickey Bush and I'm a fully conceded alcoholic.

I am very glad to be here. I'm having a gratitude attack right now. Anybody know what I mean by gratitude attack

know what I mean?

This is great.

There's always one.

OK, I I want to thank my good friend Ralph for driving me here. We just drove across Germany and stopped several times and visited. And Ralph will be talking with you a little while. I want to thank you guys for coming here. I just love it. I just absolutely love being a small part of this great whole.

I love that.

I love being a small part of a great whole. I love that.

I know some of you have said even here today that I save your life.

Well, we know saves the lives around here. But if you want to give me the credit, I'll take it.

I just had a couple of well known actresses in in Los Angeles tell me that I was a celebrity in in Alcoholics Anonymous. I was a celebrity speaker. I was a guru. I mean, what are you talking about? Now, these are Academy Award-winning actresses that you all know by name, members of my old Home group I was visiting.

See, what are you talking about? He said, like, you're like this celebrity guy that talks every Boyer and everybody knows you and you're like this guru type guy. And she said, I was just making a movie in New York. She said, And I went to two meetings in New York, and in both the meetings they mentioned you and they quoted you and mentioned by name and you're like this celebrity. I said yeah, bloody big deal.

A celebrity in an anonymous program.

I said no, you're a celebrity. I'm just a clean and sober member

of a great hole and I love that. I love that. And that's what we are. We're a small part of a great hole and I love that. So thank you for being here and and thank you for allowing me to come here. I'm going to I'm going to do some things today. I'm going to talk about the first three steps

and what I call the step before the steps. We have a a whole thing about the steps before the steps, which is why I identified as a fully conceded alcoholic because in the beautiful book, Alcoholics Anonymous, this beautiful book that I love so much, on page 30, it says we learned we had to fully concede to my innermost self. I was alcoholic. This is the first step in recovery.

So that meant there was two first steps in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, the first step in recovery and the first of the 12 steps. And they're totally different steps though they're often confused and a lot of people, well meaning people, I'm sure they, they say that an alcoholic has done the first of the 12 steps by admitting their alcoholic. And of course, in the first of the 12 steps, there's no mention of admitting they're alcoholic.

It's admitting we're powerless over alcohol, than our lives have become unmanageable. A totally different step to the learning about the first step in recovery, which is we learned we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholic. This is the first step in recovery.

And that's on page 30, because a little bit earlier on page 20, it says if you are an alcoholic who wants to get over it, you may already be asking what do I have to do? So I've got to come from the space of being an alcoholic to want to get over it, to ask what do I have to do? And if a newcomer or somebody who's confused asks a guy like me, what do I have to do? I will tell him. You'll have to do

the 12 spiritual steps of Alcoholics Anonymous starting with step one. So I got to come from the space of being an alcoholic to then become willing to do the program starting with step one. So step one is not about a minimum alcoholic. People are often confused about that

and consequently they think they've done the first of the 12 steps by admitting their alcoholic. Even well meaning old timers say, I was at a meeting not too long ago where a guy with 23 years said that a newcomer does the first of the 12 steps. Soon as he walks through the door raises and as an alcoholic, he's done the first step.

I said where are you getting this shit from? He said I'm 23 years sober. There's my experience, strength and hope. I said shove it up your tush, you know? I mean,

I said you're, you're a spy in the camp. You are. You're a spy. The diseases let you walk around here staying sober so that you can do its job for it. Spreading that crap amongst us. You know,

people say all kinds of weird shit in Alcoholics and elements. I call Idlib flapping party line bullshit is what I call it. But I mean, they, they say it and they believe it and they repeat it and it gets, it gets picked up. It gets picked up as if it's the program and it ain't the program. You know, look, it says we learned we had to fully concede to our innermost self that we were alcoholic. This is the first step in recovery, and nobody talks about that.

Why? Because they're all too busy talking about admittance, acceptance and surrender. Admittance, acceptance and surrender ain't even in the program, Ain't even mentioned in the program, Admitted in step one. But admittance, acceptance and surrender ain't even mentioned. But people are talking about it as if it's the deal and it ain't the deal.

The deal is fully concede to your innermost self that you are, and people ain't talking about that. So consequently they get confused and they don't get it right. So down the road a piece, the foundation isn't rock solid, so it comes crashing down. The sobriety comes crashing down. What happens to anything that isn't built on a solid foundation?

Can you hear me? Am I there? Why? Why happens to anything that isn't built on a solid foundation

comes crashing down. Well, the first three steps are going to be the foundation that we're going to build our sobriety on starting with the first of the the the 12 steps and starting with what I call the step before the steps. And I started doing this folks, because I, I read about Bill Wilson and, and in his later days, he stopped doing 12 step calls as we understood 12 step calls because he, he started,

he started

being concerned more with the folks who got here but didn't stay that got drunk and got loaded again. And, and, and he started concentrating more on those. And I started doing that as well. And when I started doing that, I started asking a few questions and people didn't know simple, basic stuff as they thought, believed and said they did. And that's very dangerous. You know, it's one thing if you don't know it,

but if you don't know it but think you do, that's very dangerous. See, so I started doing some of this work and some of this is what I'm going to talk about today.

I love cold water. I keep wanting to bless it and turn it into wine, but you know,

there was a dude who did that, you know?

Must have been alcoholic.

Must have been all those folks. I mean, that dude had Mary Magdalene. She was like one of those like, lovely ladies, Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve were alcoholic. Did you know that

Adam and Eve were alcoholic? They must have been alcoholic, Adam and Eve, because only Alcoholics grew up paradise. Yeah, don't they? You know. So anyway, so I like, I, I like to do some of this stuff and

we learned we had to fully concede to our animal shelter. I'm alcoholic. This is the first step in recovery. When I got to Alcoholics and Honest on January the 15th, 1983,

I never came in here with the only requirement for membership. I didn't come in here with the desire to quit. I never knew nothing about it. I was so sick when I got here that I didn't know I was sick. And that's really sick. When you're so sick you don't know you're sick, that's really sick. And when you're as sick as me and you come in a room like this and you think what ain't as sick as him? Now he's sick.

That's really sick. And and, and, and, and when you're so sick that you don't think you're a sick of someone else that's really sick.

So if you're if you're in here today wondering whether you is or whether you isn't a real alcoholic or not, I want you to know that I can relate to being as sick as you don't think you are, you know, really sick. But I do today. I know today sick, SICK, spiritually ill can kill,

and that's what I was. I was spiritually defunct in every department, separated from God, bankrupt from God, defeated by the disease of alcoholism. You see, and now I later found out that that's what the spiritual awakening was. The spiritual awakening was defeating the disease of alcoholism.

So that's a that's a talk for another time. But I didn't know that I was alcoholic and I didn't know what being an alcoholic was. And I didn't know about Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't know about, you know, 12 steps. And I'll talk about that when I talk later tonight or whenever it is. You know cigarettes. You try cigarettes.

Anyway, so

of January the 15th, 1983, I get to Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't know nothing about nothing. I later discovered that I've hit bottom on January the 15th, and that was what was different about January 15th than any other time that I'd come out of being a blackout. You know, I'm a blackout drinker. I didn't even know what a blackout was. Do you guys know a blackout is?

How many blackout drinkers here and the rest are you lying mothers? I know,

I know blackout drinkers when I see them. Yeah,

anyway, I don't know nothing about nothing. I don't know nothing about alcoholism. I don't know nothing about being alcoholic, you know, and everything I've learnt is all in retrospect. Everything I've learned is all since I got here on January the 15th, 1983. So if you're new or returning and on what we're talking about is strange or or or you don't understand, stick around, stick around and keep coming back.

Don't become a keep coming back up. I mean,

be be a sticker and a styre. Be a sticker and a styre. I tell folks to be become a sticker and a stayer, not keep coming backer. Mind you, if you relapse or go back out, we do want you to come back, of course, but become a sticker and a stayer, not keep coming back. Because when you become a keep coming backer, you know,

you fall into a trap. You know, and it's a disease the trap sets you into, you know, sober, screwed up, comeback, sober, screwed up, come back. And it's a disease of repetition. And then when you get back, you've not only got to learn what to do to stay clean and sober, but you've got to learn what to do to break the grips of the pattern that the disease has got you in. It's very difficult. See, so if you're here today, become a sticker and a stayer.

Is there people here like me that relapsed and went back out?

Yeah. Good. Well, I'm glad you're all here. I'm really glad. Is there any social drinkers here today?

It's a disease of denial, you know, No social drinkers. No, no social drinkers. I tell you why I think I'm a social drinker. I think I'm a social drinker because every time somebody said I'm going for a drink, I said social I.

How many social drinkers here now? Ohh. Denial denial DENIAL. Don't even notice I am lying.

See, I don't know it's when I'm lying and I don't know it's when I'm being lied to. DENIAL. Don't even notice I am lying or don't even notice it's a lie. I don't notice when people are telling me lies and when the disease is lying to me.

This is the only disease, by the way, that tells you you haven't got it.

That's weird, isn't it? This is the only disease that tells you you ain't even got a disease, you know, And and it's the only disease that if you recover from it, like a book says, anybody read this book, by the way, it'll read the big book. Alcoholics and arms. Good, good, good few hands here, not up. But you know, this disease is not only the only disease that tells you you ain't got it, but it's the only disease that when you recover from it, you become better than you were before you had it.

That's good, Janet. There are no other diseases like that. This is the only disease. And this disease tells you you ain't got it. Anybody remember the voices that talk to you? Who remembers voices that talk to you? You know them voices that talk to you. You know them voices that just said what? Voices? Them voices.

Remember them voices.

Them voices.

You're a piece of shit. You are your girlfriends cheating on you, your best friends getting some.

You're going to get fired today. Haha, you might as well drink.

You deserve a drink. You've worked hard. It's a hard day. You can have a cold one. You're not really an alcoholic. He's an alcoholic. You're not as bad as him. You could have a drink and then that that that drink becomes like close and you take A

and and then right after you take the first drink, that same voice that just told you it was OK to do it now says what a Dick drinking again.

I got you again.

Well, you're a newcomer again now.

What a Dick drinking again.

It never says stop. I was just kidding, Does it

got you again? Oh well, you might as well get shit faced.

So we have to be careful of these kind of things. But when I'm fully conceded to my innermost self that I'm alcoholic, we've become different to admittance, acceptance and surrender. Admittance, acceptance and surrender sounds like the deal, but it ain't the deal. See on on page one of the beautiful book Alcoholics and Honours Bill story Bill talks about

new young officers from Plattsburgh were assigned.

We've visited winter's cathedral. We returned at last 22 and a veteran of foreign wars. He's talking about the First World War, you know, when Kaiser Wilhelm was rampaging through Europe and going to take over the world,

you know, and you know that that German army, they did a very silly thing. They upset them bad boys from the US of A and then bad boys from the US of A came over to Europe, you know, over here, Yankee Doodle Dandy and all that stuff. And, and, and, and they kicked the Kaiser's ass, man, and saved our bacon, you know. And we we're glad they did that, you know, and, and that German army were defeated and they admitted that defeat and they accepted that defeat and they surrendered.

So that German army were defeated. They admitted that defeat, they accepted that defeat and they surrendered. Well, I was born in the Second World War 1943, you know, the Luftwaffe of a bomb in the crap out of London and other places. You know, Hitler was going to take over the world, have 1000 years of Third Reich, you know, and did a very silly thing.

I upset them bad boys from the USA and then bad boys came over and kicked his ass again. But that wasn't the first time they did that. See,

they did that in the First World War. In the First World War, they did that and they were defeated. They admitted that defeat, they accepted that defeat and they surrendered.

But you see they didn't fully concede. So they came back and did it again. And in 1938 when little ship pot Hitler says let's go storming into pole and check us a vacuum other places. Nobody said don't do that, don't do that, don't do that. Those bad boys from the US surveyor come over and kick our ass like they did before. Don't do that, don't do that. See they haven't fully conceded. They were defeated. They admitted that defeat. They accepted that defeat and they surrendered, but they didn't fully concede. So they

came back and did it again. It's sounding familiar, see, and and and and they didn't fully concede, you see. So they come back and they did it again.

When we fully concede to our innermost self, it's a done deal. You can admit, accept and surrender all you like, but it ain't a done deal. I hear people talking about I'm not going to drink again. I remember what happened last time. Anybody remember this? I'm not going to drink again. I know what would happen if I did what? When you fully concede, you haven't got to rely on two things. Memory on knowledge. Because what I know

changes. What I know today was different from yesterday and what I know tomorrow will be different to today. So if I'm relying on what I know and it changes, I'm screwed. And I can't afford that where drinking is concerned. And if I'm relying on my memory?

Oh well, I mean I'll forget anything me. I mean I isn't ISM incredibly short memory, you know. I mean, I remember the $2.00 some Dick owes me from 20 years ago,

but I'll forget what I gotta do today and what I gotta do and if and what will happen to me. If I remember my memory fades. So if I'm like relying on memory or knowledge and it changes or it fades, I'm screwed. And I don't wanna be screwed, see? But when I fully concede to my innermost self, it's a done deal. It's all the way to the Stone, man. It's like my friends in Pink Floyd wrote all the way to the Stone,

to the gravestone, and those voices that talk to me can't get through when there's no let's make a deal. There's no can we talk about it? Can we discuss it?

You know, Are you sure it's a done deal? I'm alcoholic, see, and I haven't got to rely on memory or knowledge. And I can rely on that and I can know that those voices and those those obstacles are not going to get through to me. And I'm going to learn to fully concede to my innermost self. What is my innermost self? Well, people say, well, the longest journey is from the head to the heart. Screw that shit. You know, I don't even know where that comes from. I can't

rely on my mind. The disease, the twofold disease, obsession of the mind, allergy of the body. I can't rely on my mind. My mind, the disease lays mainly in my mind, and what I do with my mind is think. So I can't rely on that because shit, SHIT, simply how I think,

you know, I can't rely on that.

Can't rely on my mind, can't rely on my mouth, my truth, because I speak with a forked tongue and I'll tell a lie any chance I get to take advantage of you. So I can't rely on my mind, on my mouth. I can't rely on my heart, my heart,

my feelings.

My heart's been broken many times and we'll be again. So I can't rely on that. So I can't rely on my mind, my mouth, on my heart. So where is my innermost self,

my friend Earl, who many of you know talks about, you know, the core of my being. I talk about my gut level honesty that that place two inches behind your belly button, which is yours, where you know, where you put your head on the pillow. There's just you and your truth. And you can fully concede to your innermost self that no one can get to. No disease can go past. I'm an alcoholic.

See, Learn to fully concede to my innermost self that I'm alcoholic.

Well, what is it about me that makes me alcoholic? I didn't know. I didn't know what it was about me that made me alcoholic. I didn't know I was an alcoholic. I'm one of the people that got to Alcoholics Anonymous. And, and like Bill and Bob, when they were doing the third man on the bed, you know, they tell him you are an alcoholic and he says, well, I didn't think much of that. I figured I was just a drunk. He said no, you're an alcoholic,

we have something wrong with us. There's something different about us, alcoholic. And that's what happened to me when I got here on January the 15th, 1983. I never knew I was alcoholic. How would I know? I didn't know where I come from in northwest London.

Everybody drinks. I don't know why we drink. We just drink. Everybody drinks. We drink if the team wins, we drink if the team loses. If it's a tie, we drink till there's a result. We just drink. Don't. Nobody ever said we should. Nobody ever said we shouldn't. We just drink. Everybody drinks. I drink like them. They drink like me. We just drink together. We, I mean, I don't know why we drink. You guys know why you drink. I hear you guys talking about why you drink. You

you drink because you couldn't stand the pain and you drink because you were hiding behind who you was and you drink because you have all these issues like pasta, tissues. I got issues, you know. Well, what stage of the game do you discover that? I don't remember that. I can't imagine going into any pub. I have a drank out and saying, oh, bartender hit me with a triple shot of your best booze because I can't stand who I am and I want to cover up the pain tonight.

Never happened, never happened. Oh, Mr. Dealer man, give me an extra rock of crack cocaine because I really feel inadequate.

Never happened. Never happened. I have no idea why I do what I do. I just do it. I've always done it. I don't know why I do it. I just always done it and that's all I know.

I got three sisters and a brother. They're not alcoholic. My three sisters and brother ain't alcoholic. People think they're born alcoholic. Load of crap. You can't be born an alcoholic. However, that's another story. My three sisters and brother, same blood, same family, same environment, same everything. I'm alcoholic. They're not alcoholic.

Three sisters and a brother. Not alcoholic. I'm alcoholic. Well, guess what? They got two kids a piece. Well, I got two kids. I ain't never been married. I never had a wife

of my own,

but I got two kids. Guess what? I'm alcoholic. My kids ain't alcoholic. My three sisters and brother ain't alcoholic. Their kids are alcoholic. That's weird shit, isn't it? That's what we're dealing with though here. You know, my three sisters and brother done a why I drink. I don't know why they don't. I ask them why don't you drink? They say I don't like it.

I say what?

What don't you like? I say I don't like the way it makes me feel. I say, don't you don't, How'd it make you feel? They say, well, if I have one too many, I feel sick.

I say sick. You gotta drink past that.

Who stops at sick? I don't stop at sick. I do puke, but I don't stop drinking. I'm dead. Oh, that's good. Made room for some more.

They don't laugh. They think I'm weird. I think I'm weird. You know, they don't laugh. They don't think it's funny. You know, they think I'm weird. They're they're not alcoholic. See. They don't they don't understand what it is about us. It makes me alcoholic. What is it that makes me alcoholic? I didn't know.

I asked people what is it about me that makes me alcoholic because a guy told me when I got to the very first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous January the 15th, 1983, got up in my face and said you're an alcoholic. I said what? He said you're an alcoholic. I said that's a bloody mean thing to say at some say a thing like that to a dude. What do you mean

that's mean? He said. You, you're an alcoholic, I said. Why did you say that?

He said, 'cause if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and sounds like a duck and smells like a duck, it's a bloody duck. Just because he's been taking some shit and thinks he's an eagle? No, you're a duck. You're a duck. Armor duck. Quack, quack, he said.

Wow, what is all this? This is the bloody funny farm man, you know, guys loving on you and shit and ducks and Eagles and what is there.

But later on, later on I found out that it was like the, the, the, the, the, what it was. It was like introducing me to the idea of what it was about me that made me alcoholic because I didn't know. I didn't know what it was about me that made me alcoholic. And I asked people what was it about me that made me alcoholic? And the duck and the Eagle story later became part of that because I asked people what it was about me that made me alcoholic and they didn't know.

I don't know whether you know or not, but most people don't. Everybody can say there is an alcoholic. But I ask them, what is it about you that makes you alcoholic? And they don't know. So you know what they do? They tell me what they do because they're alcoholic. I ask them, what is it about you that makes you alcoholic? And they tell me the consequences and the results of being alcoholic. And that's not what makes me alcoholic. What makes me alcoholic isn't what I do because

alcoholic. Because I'm alcoholic. One's too many and 1000 ain't enough. Because I'm alcoholic, once I start, I can't stop. Because I'm alcoholic, I can't stop from starting. Because I'm alcoholic, I can't stop from starting. And once I've started, I can't stop. Anybody remember this? Yeah, that's not what makes me alcoholic. That's what I do because I'm alcoholic. Because I'm alcoholic, I got a two fold disease, obsession of the mind, allergy of the body

of the mind, a thought to the exclusion of all else including recovery. When I when I get sucked in by the obsession, it takes away my ability to say no so that then I have to say yes so that when I do say yes I think I chose to or wanted to but didn't. Once I take get sucked in by the obsession and take the first drink, it kicks in what we call a phenomenon of craving. A craving is a feeling beyond my mental control, so I can't stop from doing it. And once

doing it, I can't stop doing it. You think I knew this when I got here? I had no idea. So I can't not do it just because I don't want to, because I can't. Disease called alcoholism. A2 fold disease called alcoholism that makes me do it even though I don't want to do it. I got a disease that makes me do what I already don't want to do, so I can't not do it just because I don't want to.

I've got to not want to. But I can't rely on not wanting to.

I gotta not wanna do it and then do these steps in this work so that I don't do what I already don't wanna do. And if I ain't doing these steps in this work or ain't done these steps in this work, I will do what I don't want to do because the disease I got that I'm powerless over will make me do what I don't want to do.

You think I knew this shit? How can I work that out for Michelle? I couldn't work that out. I needed you. I'm alcoholic. I didn't know I was alcoholic.

I wouldn't know that I didn't know. I didn't know what it was about me that made me alcoholic. And I asked and other people didn't know. They knew what they did because they were alcoholic. They could tell you that they was alcoholic. They could like tell you the consequences and the results of being alcoholic, but they didn't know what it was. They thought, believed and said they did. Now in one of my houses in Los Angeles I got 2 parrots in a cage,

a blue one and a green one. Bill and Bob is their name and and

and I've trained them. Just God Almighty what's she doing?

Shit, I saw legs and asses in the air.

Yeah, make me forget me alcoholism then.

My my two parents are called Bill and Bob are blue one and a green one. And I've trained them to speak and you can stand by the cage very quietly like that and just rock a little bit and, and all of a sudden they go, oh, the alcoholic,

perilous, alcoholic, powerless.

They're bloody parrots is what they are. But they could say they're alcoholic and powerless. And I didn't wanna be a parrot walking around here talking jive arse shit like I didn't understand just because everybody else was saying it. So I wanted to know what was wrong with me and what to do about it. And so I started finding out and asking and I and I didn't know what it was about me that made me alcoholic. But the Duck and the Eagles story started making sense

because what it was about me that made me alcoholic wasn't what I did because I was alcoholic. Now, if you're alcoholic, got a twofold disease, obsession of the mind, allergy of the body, yes, that's true. Because I'm alcoholic. Once I start, I can't stop. Once I started, I can't stop, and I can't stop from starting. That's true because I'm an alcoholic. One's too many and 1000 ain't enough. That's true. But you could read that in a library book. That's not what makes me alcoholic. That's what I do because I'm alcoholic. What

me an alcoholic is that little duck on the Eagle story. See, what makes me alcoholic is what differentiates me from my three sisters and brother.

I got a disease called alcoholism. That disease of alcoholism affects me differently than it affects them. It affects us differently, us Alcoholics than those folks out there. See, alcohol has a different effect on me than it does on those folk out there. We think it's the same for them out there, but it's not. We think that those folk out there have the same reaction to alcohols we have, but they don't see. They don't understand why they why we drink. We don't underst

and why they don't, because alcohol don't do for them what it does for me. What alcohol does for me and what makes me an alcoholic is that I have an abnormal reaction to alcohol. And what that abnormal reaction to alcohol is, is that alcohol changes my perception of reality. That's what alcohol does for the alcoholic that it don't do for the normal person. Alcoholics don't like reality,

so we get alcohol to drip we when we drink alcohol. Alcohol changes my perception of that reality. It don't change the reality, it just changes my perception of the reality. Alcohol changes me from a duck to an eagle.

I go out drinking as a delicate little duck, have a few stiff ones and turn into an eagle and go swooping around looking for prey.

It don't do that for the normal person you know. I call it a nerd remover. She's at it again. Look, God damn.

I call it a nerd remover. Alcohol removes the nerdness. You know what I mean by nerdness? You know what I mean by nerd? Yeah, well, I mean, you're foreigner, so. I mean, I'm only asking.

Alcohol removes the nerdness, you know? I feel like a nerd. I drink and I don't feel like a nerd. I feel like a nerd and I drink and I don't care if I'm a nerd. I feel like a nerd and I drink. And you're a goddamn nerd.

Alcohol changes me. It takes away the nerdness. Mary in my Home group back there in Santa Monica, CA, where I live in Los Angeles, you know my own group. Mary. Mary is this delicate little dudette. A bad ass drunk is Mary. But she describes it as well as I've ever heard anybody describe it. Mary says when she drinks she feels Whittier prettier and tittier.

I know exactly what she means.

Yeah,

Alcohol changes my perception of reality. Because I can't stand reality. I hate reality. You know? I don't like reality. Screw reality.

And that never happened just because I got here, you know, when I was just a little kid, I mean, when I was just a little kid, little tiny kid, let's say, what's wrong with that kid? There's something wrong with that kid. He don't hear shit, right? What's wrong with that kid? He don't hear shit, right? And and and they thought I had a hearing problem,

You see, lock him away, pull him away home somewhere. He's he's got a hearing problem. He don't hear shit right. He gets you hung that kid. What's wrong with that kid? And I wouldn't know. I'm just a little kid

and I said I had a hearing problem. So I thought I had a hearing problem, 'cause I don't hear shit, right?

I don't hear shit the same as other people. People say things and I don't like it, so I change it to what I do like and then blame you for for telling me. And I'm just a little kid and I can't stand it. It's so painful and dysfunctional where I come from. And, and, and I don't know about you folks here in Denmark. Well, I mean, we're in London and we were just poor and we didn't know we were poor, but we were poor. And I mean, I don't know whether you were poor or not, but

I mean

to tell you how poor we was. If I hadn't have been a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

Oh yeah, you were poor too, huh? Anyway,

bomb it just a little kid and, and, and it's so dysfunctional. And remember this if you got kids, cause kids develop survival techniques. So, you know, we, we kids learn how to survive no matter how bad it is. And my survival technique was that people would tell me shit and I wouldn't like it, couldn't stand it, hated it. So you know, I would mentally change it to what I did like. And you can imagine what a little kid likes and, and then blame you for having told me. And they would think

I'm weird. And they keep locking me up and putting me away. And, and I grew up living away and being locked up and, and, and thinking I was mental and, and, and, and they didn't know how to get through to me. They didn't know what was wrong with me. Not till I get to Alcoholics Anonymous do I discover what's wrong with me. I mean, alcoholic, they didn't do that when I was locked away in all those nut wards and, and all those criminal insane asylums and, and, and all the, the institutions that I've been locked away in, I've been locked away in places

cookers wouldn't fly over. You know,

Well, they never knew how to get through to me. They never knew what was wrong with me. They, and if they knew what was wrong with me, they never knew how to get through to me till I get to Alcoholics Anonymous. And one alcoholic relates to another alcoholic. That's what the magic is that we have in Alcoholics Anonymous rooms. That's the magic that we have in Alcoholics Anonymous that they don't have anywhere else. And you guys told me I was alcoholic and they, and even if they told me they never knew how to get through to me, they may have told me. I'm not blaming anybody

for not telling me. But I never heard it because I got a hearing problem. I don't hear shit, right. He used to drive my mum nuts. You know, I would, I would like come on drunk when I was living in my mom's house in northwest London and I would come home drunk, shit faced, you know, And Alcoholics have this insane belief that they know how to be quiet.

My mum would be in her bed.

She'd hear everything. My mom heard everything that went on in that house. You could not get one over on my mum in her house. She knew every single thing that went on in that house and she would hear me stumble bumming around.

She'd yell out down the stairs. Drunk again son

and I go. So am I, Mum.

She say I'm not bloody drunk. I've been in bed since 8:00. The Hells wrong with you, God damn weirdo. And I wouldn't get it. And I think, well, why did she say she was drunk? Then she's messing with me. Because that's what I heard. See, later on when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and I met one of those monsters that you meet in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know the monsters I'm talking about.

Monster sponsor, you know,

and he said get a job. I said what? He said, get a job. I said, what do you mean? He said go to work. I said what? He said get a job, go to work. He said,

I don't know how I'd get there. Is it get a bus? Said what? You should get a bus. And I went all embarrassed because I don't know how to get a bus. I've never done a bus. How do I do buses? I don't ride buses. I've never ridden a bus. But I feel silly. So I all right, I'll rehearse getting a bus. So I went down to Sunset Blvd. I'm living up above Sunset Blvd. in West Hollywood and I saw buses going up and down the Boulevard full up with people.

I thought, oh, I gotta be able to get a bus passes a full of people. So I stood at a bus stop and a bus came along and it opened up and I hopped on the bus. The guy said put some money in the trap in the yeah, OK, put some money in the trap. Stood there and waited for something to happen and the bus pulled away and I went flying down the bus. I fell up against this chick with these big ones,

she said. Move your hand.

Well, I don't hear shit right. I went sure, sure, squeeze, squeeze.

They threw me off the bus.

It's not my fault. I don't hear shit, right? I mean, it's just, I just, you know. But when I drink, I don't give a shit. See, Because alcohol change. And what I discovered was that as a little kid, I was changing my perception of reality. And later on, alcohol and for me, drugs did that. It changed my perception of reality that I couldn't stand. I can't stand reality. I hate reality.

I can't stand reality. I hate everything about reality. And I don't know, I don't know that I'm potentially an alcoholic. I mean, this disease of alcoholism is so powerful. And after the break, I'm going to talk about step one and the powerlessness. But I mean, I hated the the religion I was brought up in. I couldn't stand it. But you know, my dad was Irish and, and he was a member of the IRA and,

and the, you know, the

CIA

Catholic, Irish alcoholic, you know,

he made us go to church in confession. And I'm not a Catholic basher. I don't want you to believe that. And in my beautiful book, it tells me Alcoholics and honors is maybe a better Catholic. But you know, I hated it. I couldn't stand it. I hated all, all aspects of the religion. And this is really, really important for later on. You know, I was made to go to confession and I'm a little kid. I'm 1011 years old. I, I don't know. And, and my dad whacked me one day, made me get a confession. And I, you know,

I was in the confessional. It's all dark. And there was a someone there the other side I had to talk to. I thought, oh, I don't like these people. I know what I'll do. I'll shit in the confession.

So I took a dump in the confession,

big Irish community in the place I lived in on Sundays, every hour they had a a Mass and the Mass in the church, huge big church, the whole town went to the Mass every hour, like you know, 789101112 o'clock. And the parish priest, he was like a God in the town

and, and and he stood at the pulpit, you know, like, and to do his sermon and the whole congregation's listening. And he goes, oh shit, in the confession.

His neck is bulging, you know,

I'm just his rotten little 10 year old kid, you know. And the next week I went prepared. I went in the other side, took a shit then too. Like that, left a note, said The phantom shitter strikes again.