The Men Among Men group's conference in Reykjavik, Iceland

Hi family, I'm Sam. I'm an alcoholic.

What's? Well, I mean, so God must have a profane mouth. That's all I'm saying.

Just as God made me.

So thank you.

Thanks for having me. Where's our no? Where's that misogynistic bastard? Where is he?

That guy's made me right. He's made me more spiritual in the last 48 hours than anybody in my whole sobriety. Guy's giving me so many resentments over the last 48 hours.

I've never met anyone more offensive than myself till I met Arnold.

I was like, it's not just me then, is it? It's not, It's not. He's like that

yet's you, brother. What me

We're doing the reverse. Raymer started the spiritual, and then we're ending with the Raisin on the end of the hot dog. Isn't that what it is on the Raisin on the end of the hot dog?

So I brought this is like my little this is my journal, so, and it would be great if you feel like it, if you would sign it, it'll be up here and you can write whatever you want in it. And you know, so that's that. That would be cool. I'll find you some blank pages. Try to use the blank pages. Don't go to the part where I'm whining and complaining about Arno in there. Just kidding.

Well, I don't have the words to say thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for having me and thank you for whatever it took to get us all here.

And

I started feeling the impact of,

of being here, the power,

the man.

How long do I have to speak right now? So that I know because I'll probably take these long pauses. How long, brother? An hour. OK. So on Friday night when Chris started to talk, actually I think it was when Smarty came up and then you guys were reading the steps, it was I started to sort of cry because I couldn't believe that I was in another country.

And hearing another language is the first time I've ever heard the program in another language.

And it was powerful for me

to

hear it. And I thought, I can't believe that I'm here in a country where I don't speak the language, and they're talking my language and they're talking about

my family, talking about yourselves. So

it was awesome. And it's just a long way away from the car with no windows that I used to live in. You know, I used to be homeless, but I didn't call it homeless. I called it camping.

It was camping. It was adventure.

And so, so thanks for having us and thanks for everybody staying sober and thanks for the old timers that have come before me. Thanks for surviving yourselves. Because I know that this program, the disease rests in my mind and it'll always be in my mind. It's not about my feelings. It's about my thinking. And so, you know, that's one of the things that I hear the most is, is, you know, well, I just, I feel bad. I feel bad and I need to drink and, and I understand

feelings. I understand because I drank. I thought I drank because of the way that I feel, but really I drank because of the way I thought. And what I mean by that is the story that we have, the stories that we tell ourselves. I mean, I'm going to come up here and tell you what it was like and what happened and what it's like now. And what we start talking about is the story. And that's why they call it war stories. And I don't really have a problem with people qualifying and telling me their war stories and telling me how bad

was and how much they did. I don't mind. I mean, it is the, you know, what Chris talked about. That's not what we're really trying to relate to, relating to the feelings and so on and so forth. But like, normality is the same amount. He's one of my favorite speakers. You know, he said, I don't know how to tell you. I don't know how to better tell you about alcoholism and about Alcoholics Anonymous than to talk to you about how I drink. So I'll tell you a little bit how I drank. But the fact of the matter is I really didn't drink that long.

You know, I started young and I got sober pretty young, you know, And so I didn't have these long drawn out years of drinking,

you know, I mean, I started getting loaded at 9:00. So, and I'm sure, I mean, that's probably pretty late in life for some people. But like I say, you know, I could have used a drink long before then, but it was sort of hard to score with, you know, like a Partridge family lunch pail. That's what I had when I carried around in 4th grade. And so it was just easier to start with drugs, you know, And if you're one of those people that never did drugs, you know, you're a purist,

then all I can say is I'm sorry you missed out

and umm, you know, missed out on ecstasy and methamphetamine and, you know, acid. But anyway,

somebody, oh Jesus, Larry was I, I think I was leaned over to Arnie last night. I'm like, I think I'm getting triggered when Larry was talking about the glue, you know, the glue sniffing. I was like, and that explains a lot about Larry actually, now that I know

because

I should have walked. Is that for me, Omar Doc? So.

So I'll tell you about my story

story that we're all in bondage to the story. That totally doesn't make me an alcoholic. But anyway,

so I'm I'm the youngest of four. I'm the only one that was adopted. Like I said, they said they wanted to have three and adopt 3. But after Samantha, that was enough. That was sort of the joke at the cocktail parties and

let's see, and I'm an incest survivor and I, you know, and I really didn't think it was incest. It didn't hurt. It was like a game. They called it slave girl. It felt pretty good. I don't know. It's like, well, you know, so I don't want to make light of it. And if you're, you know, if you're one of those people that's survived the touching and the bad stuff, I feel you. And I know it's really hard to get through and everything else. But the fact of the matter is, is that shit stopped so long ago and I kept living my life kind of like I was sharing with you yesterday during the four step, I kept living my life and recreating

that would put me in that position where either I was a victim or a victimizer. And so thank God coming into this program, I learned I could make a new story, you know, and I came into this program thinking I was so different because I was adopted or because of the the molestation or because of this or because of that. And the fact of the matter is, I found thousands and thousands of people who felt exactly the way I did who never had that experience so that I had to stop playing those cards.

You know it. I mean, I didn't have to, but in this room

it didn't work. And they would tell me things like, we really don't care about where you came from. All we care about is what you're willing to do today, you know? And so that was sort of the thing that that as much as it offended me, it also began to set me free.

So, you know, I got sober the first time they threw me in a drug rehab when I was 17 years old. And I had been seeing shrinks from the time I was 5 on. So there was obviously the message was clear that there was something wrong with Samantha, right? And, and I've been in therapy for years and years and years. And by the time I was done with therapy before I got into this program, I was well aware of what the problem was. But I had, I mean, we had gone through the issues,

the issues of abandonment are not good enough and blah, blah, blah. But no one ever gave me any solution. They're like, you know, yeah, you're fucked. OK, I got that. Now what? You know what I mean? So, you know, that's when I got into this program. You guys described to me a lot of what they had described to me in step one. And in step one it was just like, you're screwed, you're screwed, you're screwed. But anyways, I digress. Let's see. What got me into the drug rehab was

I drank and used drugs

and I had a little attitude problem, allegedly.

Like I said, I hated my parents, didn't everybody, and they were annoying because they seemed to care. They're just always up in my shit, you know? Where are you? Where are you going? Did you go to school? Why didn't you go to school? You know you're not going to go out like that. Are you just annoying? Just in my business, you know, I'm thirteen years old. I got it.

And they'd always play that parent card, you know. Well, when you know, as long as you're under my roof, you'll, you know, that whole,

ah, my Kingdom for my own home at 13. But anyway, so they threw me in this drug rehab and this is the first time that I had ever heard that maybe I was sick and not bad. I, I, they brought in a hospitals and institutions and, and you know, and I really hadn't done, I mean, however much you can do in the suburbs of California, you know, I mean Pasadena. My dad's an orthopedic surgeon.

My mom is a house mom. You know, I'm like I said, I'm the youngest of four. I'm significantly younger 10/8 and six years younger than my siblings.

And, and so, you know, I really,

it was though white upper class, upper middle class kind of thing and raised Lutheran, you know, and all that stuff, did the whole church thing and, and you know, I'd go to church every week loaded and which, you know, I felt the spirit, if you know what I'm saying. And, and it's so funny because my mom and dad, you know, they got into recovery the same time I did because when we went to this drug rehab, they had to do family groups and stuff like that. And they were introduced to Al Anon. And are there any Al Anon

today? Yay Alan ONS,

embrace Allen on everybody. Because if you stay sober long enough, that's where we all end up. Trust me

because because I love Alcoholics and I have to learn eventually where I stop and where you start and Al Anon's been huge for me for that. But anyway, which is why I handled Arnold so well this week.

I must love him, really. I think I must love him on some deep level because I think he's just like me or something. But like I said, I've never met anyone more offensive than myself.

And he likes it.

So anywho,

so my parents got into Al Anon and in the 80s when I went the late 80s, my Al Anon was really geared for more for spouses with alcohol problems. And they kind of from what my mom and dad's, this is more their story but I'll share a little bit of it, is that they were a little bit uncomfortable sharing about their teenager and the drug use and so on and so forth. So and like I said, I don't ever apologize for the whole Poly substance outside issue thing. I put gin in a syringe and stuck at my arm. So I never know really what program I belong to, but this

seems to do just fine, You know, and people say, God, you put gin in a syringe. You know, why not just drink it out of a glass? And I was like, well, because I have a perfectly good syringe, you know, doesn't that make sense to anybody? So if you have that love affair with needles and I understand, it's like I put ice water in there if I could. I just think it's swell. But it's so antisocial. They just,

you know, you're going, I remember always trying to sort of be a social user and they'd be doling out cocaine or something, you know, and you get up there and you're like, and I have mine in a spoon. You know, they just go, no, oh, gross. You know, So then you just kind of like trying to get into the spoon and, you know, you know, but not really. You just can't wait to get to the bathroom to get it in the syringe. So that's a whole nother love affair and a whole nother addiction. But the fact is, is you know, I will, you know, take alcohol in any form and anything thereof, anything that'll separate me from God,

anything that's a distraction from

the truth. Capital T That's what my path was all about South. And I really didn't know how awesome the truth was. Painful, yeah, but awesome. And so I, I really feel like if you're a relapser or if you're struggling with the steps or whatever your path might be, if you're really having a hard time with that, you know, my experience is that you're going to evolve with or without your egos permission.

Breathe that in

that you're going to die this lifetime or the next, clean and sober.

So anytime you're ready to just step up to the plate and be divine, you might as well just step up because that's what's going to happen. That's our deal,

but I could be wrong. Anyway, so, so my parents were really starting to get into this program called Families Anonymous, which was specifically for parents with kids with drug and alcohol problems. And like I said yesterday, they just started to be black belts in this whole thing. So we all kind of started to recover at the same time. And we would do split pitches and we would go around and talk about what it was like and all this stuff. And I would always sort of laugh to myself because their experience was Samantha. You know, we knew she was high when she was just so nasty.

And I'd be like, bitch, that's when I was coming down. You know, when I was high, I was like, hi mom, hi, dad, cleaned my room, everything is great. Did my homework, yada yada yada, you know, And they thought that's when I was sober, you know.

So the world of ignorance and misunderstanding, as Larry talked about.

So any hoot? Yeah. Like I said, my first drink came disguised as Skunk Bud. It was in the form of, you know, I was over at my friend's house. We were in 4th grade, and her older brothers dealt pot. And I saw her older brother stick this big bud in, in this huge bong, you know, and it's just like clear glass with all this beautiful butterflies and all this stuff on it. And I watched him pack that thing and, and light it up and just, you know, you know, just the smoke would curl up and on. Then he'd clear that chamber. And I was like, wow, you know,

that was coolest thing I'd ever seen. I hadn't even had any yet. And I was in, you know what I mean? And I smoked marijuana that day, and I fell off the roof and ate a lot of almond Roca candy. And that's all I remember. And it was good times. I couldn't wait to do it again. And pretty much everything went downhill from there. You know, eight years later, I'm putting this drug rehab and they bring in hospitals and institutions. And all I remember hearing in that first meeting was that maybe I was sick and not bad.

And for me, looking back on it now, I didn't have the vocabulary or anything. But for me, that was hope

and I didn't stay sober from that point on. I stayed sober for quite a few months though, and I really got the deal, got a sponsor, work the steps on and so forth. 17 years old, in and out. After that for a little bit, came back to the program. I was about 19 or 20 and and I stayed sober for what I thought would be the rest of my life. And I was very active in the program. I stayed sober 6 1/2 years and then I quit going to meetings. And those are the five most infamous words I hear. I hear five things the most

when I ask people what happened, I hear I quit going to meetings. I didn't do a fourth, I didn't do a fifth, I didn't do a 9th and I didn't do a 12th. Those are the ones I hear the most. I know chicks six or seven years that, you know, six or seven years sober that don't sponsor. And I'm, I'm blown away, you know? And that's why I say that's when my compassion sounds like a loaded shotgun, you know, it's just like, are you fucking kidding me? You know,

because as the guys talk about before

is that's the dope, that's the dope.

You know, that is the stuff that we really stick around for. We don't know that we're sticking around for that in our first year. We don't know that when the old timers are just distracting us for our first year, they're just babysitting till God kicks in. You know, they're like, I don't know, wash the cups, I don't know, set up the chairs, I don't know, come help me with my laundry, I don't know, to do my dishes, you know, whatever the deal was. It's like they're just babysitting me till God kicks in, you know, 'cause once God kicks in, it's like you're out, you're gone, it's bye. You know, we see the light come on and you

and we see help in others. And I'm not even saying the first year, you know, like you got to wait a year as I don't really need to beat this dead horse. But you know, what you guys have had up here this week is like do the steps, do the steps, do the steps, do the steps, do the steps, do the steps, do the do the steps. You know, I love the fellowship. The fellowship has saved my life. The fellowship is also nearly killed me in a lot of ways. I mean, not to blame the fellowship, but I'll tell you, like I said, we can be nasty,

you know, I know. We say we don't, you know, shoot our wounded,

but how many times have we said that guy? Again, that guy's not serious. That guy doesn't want it. I'm I'm the first one. I'm guilty of it. Like I say, I'm spiritual enough to know where I can't be spiritual. You know what I mean? So if the guy keeps coming in, coming in, coming in, lots of girls, I tell the girls, I don't say to women I sponsor, you know, or people that ask me to sponsor them. I don't sponsor slippers. I don't say that.

I've had a couple people that do say that. That's fine. They don't. So be it. That's their ideal, whatever the deal is. But for me, what I do say is if you want what I have, then you'll do what I do. And I say I never fire women that I sponsor. Never. Don't have to. I say you will fire me. Oh, no, never. You know. Well, OK, that's great. Sure. But here's how it'll work. How it'll work is I'll ask you to do exactly what I was asked

to do, and not only what I was asked to do, but what I did. In fact, I'll tell you what I was asked to do and then I'll tell you honestly if I did it or not,

right. I will be authentic with you because otherwise I'm. It's bullshit and it doesn't do anybody any good. I don't need to look cooler than I already do. I don't need to be better than I already am. It's like

this is the best, this is the best you got right now. This is the best Samantha, that I can be,

and we got a long ways to go. I mean, spiritual speaker, what the fuck, You know what I'm saying? It's like this morning, I don't have any hot water and I'm just like, what the fuck,

you know?

I'm going to be late. I got up early. I ate breakfast, I prayed. I fucking prayed, you know?

I asked you to help. Hey, be nice.

I stick my head out, you know, Like, I'm like, shit's gonna, heads are gonna roll at this.

And who do I see? I don't even know. This guy's in the program, but this guy walks by John. He just walks by. He's walking by a poor guy. I'm like naked, like a towel wrapped around me. He's like, hey, I go, hey, what's the how do I die? And I can't dial this. I can't dial the front desk. I'm dialing 0. Beep, beep, beep, 00, beep, beep. I get my glasses on. I'm trying to read the phone. I can't read the phone. I'm trying. There's like no number for the fucking front desk, you know what I mean?

Because I got to go speak spiritual shit. I got to go save some lives here.

I have to shave and stuff,

do my hair and look really pretty.

Is that my phone? Oh, that's the church bells.

I was going to give someone to turn off your phone. I was a church bells

how much more time we got. I'm tired,

so John says I'll tell him, you know, I'll tell him she have any firearms in there. I'll tell him. He comes back and says you can go shower in my room. My wife is in there and I'm just like,

OK, I go, my child. He brings me a little robe and everything

so.

And why would that make me cry?

So I go and his beautiful wife's just getting out of the shower and my head kind of goes to some weird sex place.

Sorry, I don't know.

It's like in the shower and it's nice and hot and I do everything, everything's good. And I go and of course I've locked myself out of my room.

So the maid over there and everything's fine, whatever. But the fact is, is, you know, this is the best you got. It's the best I can do, you know what I mean? I it's the best Sammy there is today. And you know, and the old man didn't want to come with me. It's so weird. This is OK. So you've heard this Vancouver. So the last time I spoke, well I spoke in Australia like a month ago, but with the the CD or this pitch that

Austria there heard was when my old man and I broke up and I had already paid for his ticket, you know what I mean? And so,

so here we are again. I don't know if we've broken up my I'm dating my ex-husband. OK, which is interesting. We've been divorced for eight years and never really stopped loving each other. It was just whatever, we're too young. I don't know what the deal is. ANYWAYS, he's got 15 years sober. I got 14 years sober. Everything's been great. And then something in February, I don't know, he had this little meltdown where he, something triggered him about our past. And we've been dating for almost a year now and we've, you know, a lot of communication, all this stuff. I don't know why I'm telling you this. It must be necessary. So we'll just go.

But OK. And basically, he just had this meltdown. And I looked at him. I was in Santa Barbara visiting him. And I said, you got some unresolved issues about our stuff, huh? And he's like, I don't know. I don't know, I guess so, you know, And it just came to me and I asked him. This is going to be on xmspeakers.org. Oh, fuck it. Anyway,

I said, just out of curiosity, sweetie, I go. Have you ever done a formal 4th step on our breakup?

And this guy sounds like one of the chicks I sponsor. No, but da da da. He went on about this and I listened and I I thought, and I just looked at him and once he looked at me, he knew. And I just said

that's that's interesting.

I go. You mean to tell me that the most painful experience in your entire life, by your own admission, you've never done a formal four step on?

Come on, bro.

And right then I knew I had to go home. Like I had to get out of that car and I had to go home and I had to give him whatever space he needed to do because I have done the work. I have so done the work. And I hung my head low for a lot of years and it's seven years sober. Nearly took myself out because it wasn't about drinking or using anymore. It was about the shame that I could not

raise myself above.

It was about going into the Fellowship and people judging me and hating me and leaving terrible little notes on my car because I had fallen off some pedestal that I should have never, ever been on.

And I'll tell you what, for reasons I cannot explain, I stand before you here because even the medical community is like, don't understand. And I, you know, and I'll tell you that was a huge experience for me. And lots of four steps and lots of therapy and lots of Native American stuff and everything I could get to trust me, was trying to set this child free from the hand that really was my own

perpetrator, that I was in this cage

by my own hand, that I was both in the cage and the jailer. And that's, you know, that is way beyond staying clean and sober, which this program has very little to do with in regards to alcohol and drugs. I said yesterday, this is not about drugs and alcohol. This is about this God thing. Or as I prefer, dog.

But anyway,

this is about evolving to the place where where I have this connection, where I have this constant connection.

Now, I don't know about you guys, but in America, we have these GPS systems in our cars. You guys have these somewhere. So for me, there's no more like, you know, you're blowing it, you're not working the steps, you're not having, you don't have a good program. It's I get off the GPS system, I get off the path. And my God is like I said, it's very polite. It's like the GPS voice, you know, please return to the highlighted route. Please return to the highlighted route and you can turn her down. You know, you can turn that bitch down all you want,

but the thing on your screen is still like

right? So the further you get off it, just gripe, beep, beep, beep, beep beep. You know, so eventually you're getting back on the path and eventually you're back on the highlighted route. And so that's kind of what it is, is whenever I'm restless, irritable and discontent. That's why I say it's a third step issue for me 'cause I come back to the highlighter route. So I quit going to meetings. 6 1/2 years sober. I'm at a bar with with my first husband

and a girlfriend, neither who had ever seen me drink. And it's always fun to tell non Alcoholics, you know, you're recovering alcoholic because they really don't get it. You know, they're like, that's terrific. Well, that's neat. That is really special. You must be very proud. That's great,

but they don't really get it. You know what I mean? Little

comfortable, you know, they are a little uncomfortable. They sort of push their wine to the side, like,

right,

they got it that night. But anyway, so I haven't had a drink in 6 1/2 years, haven't been to a meeting in about six months, and I just reached right over. And I'm always a designated driver. We go to bars, shoot some pool, whatever, no big deal, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, for reasons yet obscure, I just reach right over and drink a half a glass of white Zinfandel

because the thought came to me. And here's what the thought was.

Maybe it was a phase.

I think it was a phase. You got sober really young and you know, you never really were a wine drinker and it was really drugs. Drugs are really a problem. And I forgot that I'd really never drank out a glass when I drank so. So the whole thing was new. It's a whole new world. It was just new. So

half a glass of white is infidel silence at the table, right? And then my girlfriend reaches over and she Pats me on the knee and she's like, well, good for you,

that's great. That's terrific.

Now This is why I speak, See, no matter where I go, no matter who asks me, no matter how many people are in the room, no matter what. This is why I speak, so that I don't ever forget that this is what happened to me, because it's not for you. This is for me. That a voice, clear as day, clear as day, said very quietly to me.

Here we go

and the next scene I remember in that bar is me banging on the bar going. I want something to help me drink longer.

I know it's a classy broad

and the bartenders like Ixnay on the F amphetamine may you know what I mean?

And from that point on, I was arrested eleven times and put in five point restraints and got my two bottom teeth knocked out and ended up in Atlanta, GA because I'm a alcoholic who slams methamphetamine, which makes me very busy alcoholic that gets nothing done and

is rather scandalous in the process. So anyway, you know, we rape and pillage for a while, whatever. And then after stabbing the man I loved because he was leaving with a full jar of peanut butter as best as I can remember.

Which makes no sense to me now since I hadn't eaten since 1994.

But here's the thing.

Everything I judge, I walk through.

Let's say that again, shall we? Everything I judge, I walk through.

I've had these huge lessons of life, and the lessons are so valuable that they've left deep scars.

So the value of the lesson is directly proportional to the price you pay for it. You see, you pay a big price. Very valuable lesson. Let's have some scar tissue around that one. And so the valuable lesson that has hit me so far is when I was sober 6 1/2 years, I was a counselor for a family organization and I had one client who was very,

she was married, she was young and she was very in a very abusive marriage. Then I used to say to her all the time, what is wrong with you? You just leave.

Just leave. What's the problem? You just leave. And I'd help her leave, and I'd call the cops, and I'd do this, and I'd do all my diligent, you know, all this stuff as a counselor. And one day I told her, because I'm so loving and compassionate, something to the effect of, you know, you give my gender a bad name.

That's like 16 violation codes of ethics. But anyways, I was fed up. And I said to her, you know, you give my gender a bad name. And I was thinking about her as my old man was strangling me because he wasn't a hitter. He was a strangler. And he would strangle me to the point of unconsciousness. And I'd wet my pants or mess myself. And then I would come back to and come back to consciousness and he'd be hovering over me with this mildly amused look on his face. And you know, and I'm not going to get into the whole

no one deserves to get hit. No one. I understand. OK? You know, you want to come up to me after the meeting. Like I said, it's my experience. You'll lose. OK? But here's the deal. I deserved it. Now, however you want to take that is fine. I'm not saying I'm some victim or anything else. I'm just saying that my mouth ripped him apart. I ripped away his masculinity, his humanity. I completely terrorized that man and tore him from limb to limb

them verbally to the point where he was. I'm just saying we Co created this together. I own half because when you're, when someone is verbally abusing you to such an extent, at some point you're just like shut the fuck up. It's like you can't even talk anymore. You know what I mean? Now in my defense, he had like 7 prior, you know, felony spousal abuse charges on his record. So he had an issue or two,

but the fact is, is my place is

I created that situation and it's also in my 4th column in the fourth step. These are the consequences of my alcoholism.

So I was tired of getting strangled and it was getting old and I picked up a knife and I just don't right in the head. And I was like blood, you know? And the head wounds are so gnarly because you're really, it's really not that bad, but it looks so bad, you know what I mean? It's like gushing. He's on the phone like you bitch, he's fine. You know he's talking to me. But

I mean, the guy's still talking shit and he's bleeding from his head.

Anyway,

I hear the sirens coming down Jimmy Carter Blvd. I'm like, it's time to go, you know? And

so I jammed. I got my little barnacles outfit on, you know, this like little T-shirt and shorts and an apron and I'm like hauling down Jimmy Carter Blvd. It's good times

anyway, And Long story short, somebody who sold me marijuana, my, my pot dealer, great guy drove me all the way from Atlanta, GA to California. And he'd say silly, silly things to me, like why do you have to drink so much? You know, like there's an answer for that. And the only answer I would come up with is why? Well, why don't you? You know what I mean? I don't know. Why don't you just smoke pot? You know what I think? I don't know. I don't know why I can't just smoke pot. Good. Because I'm an alcoholic with an allergy,

almond on a craving and obsession of the mind. But anyway, you know, the interesting thing is what was what was going on with me when I had the thought that it was a phase,

you know, was I that far away from the foundation? I was that far away from the herd. And I don't know about you guys, but, you know, when you get some time sober, people start to look up to you. So at 6 1/2 years sober, people thought I was the shit. They didn't really get me. I had an awesome career in radio for a long time. I was working at a big rock'n'roll radio station and I was, you know, jumping out airplanes and doing live remotes from bungee jumps and, you know, big shows and all this stuff and it. And so even without the meetings, I was

still, I had a profound alteration of the way I reacted to life. So I was still different, right? And so that's why she sort of patted me on the knee, thinking, you got this thing because everything in my demeanor shouted I had arrived. So the whole thing goes back to this thinking, feeling, acting thing. And so this is the stories that we come up with that sort of defeat us. So he drove me all the way to California. I remember walking up the steps to Casa Serena, which is a woman's recovery home

and, you know, seeing all these teeth and all these happy girls and manicured everything. And, and the first thing I wore, I mean, the only thing I wore for the first seven months of my sobriety was uggs, sweats, flannels. The back of my head was shaved and my two bottom teeth were knocked out, which is total vision for you. I know. And I remember at seven months sober, my sponsor at the time turned to me out of the blue and

said of said, I want you to start wearing a dress once a week.

And I was like,

now what wanted to come out of my mouth is, are you kidding me? That's not in the big book. I'm not doing that Yetta, yetta, yetta. But I was so terrified at the thought of having to wear a dress. And she, like, relentlessly deepening my dilemma. Like, she didn't even stop there. Like, that wasn't abusive enough. But she goes and brush your hair and I go on the same day. I was like, freaking out, you know? She laughed. No, no, let's start slow, you know,

wear a dress this week and brush your hair next week. You know, really sarcastic like that. And then she goes and shave your legs, Chewbacca, you know what I mean? It's like it's summertime. You don't need to bulk up, you know,

And I was terrified at the thought of pulling my hair away from my face wearing a dress.

You're nodding back there. I don't think. I think I was eight years sober before I wore pastel, you know, before I wore anything other than black. But anyway, it was terrifying to me. And if there's women in here that understand that that whole concept of I don't know how to be feminine. I don't know how to be a lady. I don't know how, I don't know. I don't even know if I know how to be a woman. I don't even know

if I know how to be anything but sort of c'mere getaway, you know? I don't know if I know how to let you in.

Umm, I can hang with the guys. I'm a great athlete, I'm a great tomboy, I'm all that stuff. But when it comes down to being pretty, it was terrifying to me because for me, I would never be able to be pretty enough,

you know? And so you just, you know, I don't want to like, linger too long on that. But for women in recovery with our eating disorders and our skin and our age, and I don't know if you guys suffer from all that stuff, but I know for the girls, it's a hard place to find yourself and just be. Just be, you know, this love my chub on my thighs and my breasts are too small or they're too big or one's bigger,

the other all, you know, just uncomfortable in my own skin, you know, and as the years and I stay sober longer and longer, there's more truth about who Sammy is. And this is what I didn't share in the four step that I'm going to share with you guys today. And so the biggest thing that's coming that I'm coming to grips with is that you're not going to like this either.

That I am the one I've been waiting for

and that I am the love of my life.

And I know it sounds corny and hokey, whatever else, but I believe that shit to my core

and I talk to myself differently today than I did years ago. Years ago I would say this in the morning. Get up. Get the fuck up.

You are so lazy. Do you know how many people are up and doing shit? You're not doing shit. You never do shit. You don't do enough. You never do enough. You know what? You didn't get anything done yesterday. On and on and on.

Today here's I talk to me

now this is our nose in the room. So it's like, this is so embarrassing for me to say,

but he's back on his phone, He's distracted, but not really. He's totally here.

I wake up and I go.

Sammy, Sammy. Sammy. Sammy. Sammy. Sammy. Sammy. Come on, baby. Come on, Baby, baby, baby. Come on, sweetie. Come on. I know you don't want to get up. I know, I know. I know. It's hard. Come on. You got to do it. You can do it. You can do it. If you get up today, we can have ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream,

Ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream. Come on, baby. Come on. Let's do it. Do it. You got it. You got it. You're doing it. Yeah. Sweet. Good.

It works for me.

The other way seems like child abuse. I would never talk to a child that way. I would never talk to a human being that way. You know, and I know I'm not a child and yet I am a child. I know I'm not a girl and yet I am a girl. I'm a woman and I'm a girl and I'm a daughter and, you know, and I and I'm a partner and I'm a worker and and I'm a friend and and.

And I'm one of God's kids, you know, and we all are. And so the deal that is, is to treat myself better. Because if I'm not, I'm not treating you well.

I have to treat you well and kindly, as lovingly as I can. And the best way is to secure my own oxygen mask before helping someone with theirs. And that's where this program gets selfish. OK, I know that selfishness has a bad rap in this society and all of our society. That's selfish. That's selfish. Well, you know, on the plane they ask you to secure your own oxygen mask before helping someone with theirs because they prefer that you not be selfless. And while you're trying to help everyone else with their