Steps 4 and 5 at the Men Among Men group's conference in Reykjavik, Iceland

Hi family, I'm Sam. I'm an alcoholic,

OK? We're just going to jump right in, pick up where the boys left off. So

I just out of curiosity, how many relapsers

you understand relapsing? That's it.

We all know relapsing, right? You come in, work the steps, get some happy joy, and then get loaded again. Now how many relapsers?

Yeah, raising proud. Fuck them right now. The rest of them are original winners,

as I like to call him. The pussies.

But you know, the you hear a lot about, you know, that relapse is not a part of recovery. And that's true. I mean, it doesn't have to be a part of recovery unless it is, you know, but relapse is part of my recovery. So I come from that place of what happened. I don't understand what happened and

and I'll talk more, you know, tomorrow. But

the way Chris describes it and the way and the way Larry went through the steps was, you know, for me, step one is, is you know, you're doomed. That's it. It's an ass kicking. And all through the first step in the 12 and 12, it talks about an utter defeat, complete defeat, total defeat, utter defeat, complete defeat, total defeat. It's like an ass kicking. So step one is kind of like we've we assume that you all have taken step one before you even get here.

I don't take step one. Step one takes me. You know,

in the old days, it was like, they're here. That's enough. You concede to your innermost self that you're an alcoholic. Yeah. That's the first step you've taken. Step one. Are you alright? Do you believe or are you willing to believe that there's a power greater than yourself? Which seems so strange to have a problem with because it's like, I got the IRS. Do you have the IRS here? Some sort of. OK. The IRS, the Sheriff's Department, Police Department, You know, I mean, I got so many powers greater than me, but it seems strange that once we get here, we're like, I don't know, let me rethink that. I don't, you know,

but

and then step three, you know, Chris was talking about a commitment needed for step one, you know, and I don't know that you need a commitment, you know, to commit to this program the minute you get in, like I'm committed, but it's like step three is about the commitment. The decision is a commitment. Step one's about a surrender. It's about an ass kicking. Step 2 is like not kind of an open mind, whatever. You know, the way I was told was step one is I can't get drunk and I can't get sober.

Step 2 is I find someone who's doing better than I am. My sponsor. She had all her teeth, so right off the bat she was doing better than me. And step three wasn't doing what they say.

So that was like 123. Boom. And Chris is right. You know, the way we get through the steps or the way I was taught is you're you're in it and you're done within four weeks. You know, you're done whatever, you know, step three is the only step that they talk about that starts off practicing, practicing step three. So step three is never a step I complete. Step 3 is a constant. Whatever you want, whatever you want, God, whatever you want, whatever you want, God, whatever you want, whatever you fucking want, whatever you want, whatever you want. I mean, that's Step 3 for me is this constant

petition of getting realigned and realigned and realigned and realigned. And that's why I call a lot of you my spiritual chiropractors cause a lot of times it's just you guys just whack me back into line, you know what I mean? So anyways, so I'm going to work out of the big book and the 12:00 and 12:00. And if you got those with you, that's cool. And if you don't, that's cool too. But I want to read a little bit because I don't know any other way for me to stay focused and stay on topic, but to read a little bit out of the book. And Larry talked about it the ABC's

right and then being convinced comma. Now we're at step three and the big book talks about what that looks like and having a new power and having a new employer and relying on God and all that stuff. And then it says in. So we're into

how it works, right?

So we do step three, right? I took it on my knees. I have no idea why except that she said let's get on her knees. And I didn't have a lot of resistance to it because she said, you know, you've gotten on your knees for a lot of other shit, so why not get any use for this? And she had a good point. I didn't really want to bring that stuff up again, so

move on through. OK,

so page 63, I don't know what it is in you guys book. So we find it desirable to take this spiritual step with an understanding person,

but

but it's better to meet God alone than with one who might misunderstand. The wording is optional as long as we express the idea of voicing it without reservation. Again, when I'm new, none of this stuff is making a lot of sense to me. Like when my sponsor says, you know, when you ask her, hey, will you be my sponsor? And she says something like, well, are you willing to go to any lengths? I don't. My response was like, yeah, of course. And then when it got busted down to what any lengths might look like, I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, you know,

my sponsor gave me direction

now, OK, so here's the deal. Disclaimer, disclaimer, disclaimer. First of all, I'm 14 1/2 years sober. I am a newcomer with these guys. So if I say something that's not your experience, that's totally cool. A lot like what Chris said, if I say things that are not their experience, I expect them to correct me. I may go fuck you and do what I want anyway, but I still expect them to correct me. You know what I mean? So I'm going to give you my experience and that means you really, you know, you can take me

after the meeting and everything else, but you, you know, you'll lose because it's my experience and I got the scar tissue to prove it, you know? So it's my deal. And my deal is how I'm going to take you through this, the few steps here and you do whatever you want with that. It's just suggestions, right? So.

So it says that this is only a beginning, though if honestly and humbly made an effect, sometimes a very great one was felt at once. Not my experience. I just did step three, got it, then immediately got up, had my pen and paper and we started writing right then boom, boom. We launched out on this course of vigorous action, the first step of this course of vigorous action, which is a personal house cleaning. So we started this personal inventory and it says on page 64

resentments the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholic than anything else from it

all form of spiritual disease for we've not only been mentally and physically I'll we've been spiritually sick.

When the spiritual malady is overcome, then we straighten out mentally and physically. How many people have you guys sponsored or you know that are like I just got to get this job, man, I got to get this job. When I get this job, I'm going to get these steps down. I got to get my kids back. It's Sam. The only reason I'm staying sober is get my kids back. I'm just getting my kids back. And while I say, OK, what I mean, I don't really care what the motivation is for you doing the steps. I don't care what the motivation is for you coming to meetings. If you're coming to meetings because he's there, fine by me.

I don't care because all that shit will come out in the wash eventually anyway. I don't care if you're coming because there's hot chicks, fine, Go go to that mean. It doesn't doesn't matter to me because that it's it. Again, any external stuff that's going on, it really ain't about that. I mean, the scariest thing that someone broke down to me was this program has nothing to do with drugs and alcohol.

Don't tell anybody if you're new, just like La La la, la, don't even listen. But this program has nothing to do with drinking. It's much scarier than that.

Oh, shit. Right. Because it's about the, the word that makes me want to vomit. There's a little vomit in the back of my throat when I think about God. You know, it's God. You know what I mean? The higher power thing, that stuff was so hard for me to swallow. I had no problem with God. I knew there was one. I hated him, He hated me. And that was the way it was going to go because I could never be good enough for what my understanding of God was. I missed the whole point of grace,

missed that whole undeserved gift thing, missed that altogether.

So anyways, so I start out on this house cleaning and this is the way I was taken through the steps.

You make a list. Don't get all caught up in everything else. You make a list. First thing off my knees from the third prayer. I'm making a list

dinner. What do I need to do?

Wow, OK,

sad to do that.

Follow me with you. So I make it a list and I do it like this.

Breast resent. Sorry I went to college. Resentment list. One mom, she's the biggie. Two dad, three brother, 4 religion, monogamy. Fuck, is that right?

Amen, brother, blah blah blah blah blah. Got it. List, list, list. That's it. I do the list. OK,

next we go back to the book and it says

we were as definite as this example and then it gives us the example, right? Is this the same in your book?

OK, so the example is done vertically, you understand? OK, well my first resentment

I add a lot more to say about my mother. Whoa. Then I could fit in these little columns.

I didn't understand. It was just sort of be a general because I had shit to say about her, right? So I'm like, so my sponsor says. And I turned out, I learned, I learned later that it was purely selfish because she was so tired of hearing resentments or fourth steps that were in three columns where you do the 'cause you know the person, the cause, and then what it affects. And then you turn 60 pages to your part and then you turn 60 pages back to the second resentment and 60. It's like, Jesus. So here's how I was

do it. Remember I have my list so I get my list out one

mom. I'm resentful at my mom because

yeah,

got it.

She doesn't hug me right. She's lame, she's phony. She's this. She's that

blah blah blah, right? This effects my. So when I'm done with that, I turn the page. I'm still on mom. I'm still going horizontal. This effects my

I don't know if it's E or a, it doesn't matter. So it affects my right. Still going to go this way. So there's five instincts that we're talking about. So I'm going to pause here for a second. Talk about the instincts. We're talking about the 4th step in the 12 and 12. It talks about instincts gone astray, right? So it's the natural God-given stuff. It's they talk about it in step one. You know how the instincts

and I read this in step one. How long do I have?

I don't have Jesus. Get up if you need to go smoke or whatever.

In step one it talks about who cares to admit complete defeat, right? Practically no one. Every natural instinct cries out against the idea of personal powerlessness. So I get that word instinct and I cruise over to step four in the 12 and 12 and Step 4 talks about these instincts and it says they're good man. It says creation gave us instincts for a purpose. Without them we wouldn't be complete human beings. So we're already dealing with, even though we eventually call them character defects, right? Really what my character defects are are these instincts that are that have

exceeded their normal purpose. It's not just that I want social, it's not just that I have social instinct where I care, you know, for for other men and women and my society. It's that I'm a pig about it, right? I started saying this like I'm a little pig about recovery. And so now people give me pigs all the time. I got this little pig collection going. I don't know what it is, but anyway.

So if there was no social instinct, if they didn't, if we didn't

made no effort to harvest food or construct shelter. It's not that I just want food, right, All of it. You should have seen me at the buffet today at the it's just embarrassing. I was telling the guys I'm like, I don't know if I'll ever become that kind of person that sits. I was watching this guy and he was really, well, first of all, he's all really organized and I'm not really organized, but he like has tie and glasses and just, you know, whatever. And his little cup of coffee or tea and then his little toast with the fish and the, and he's just eating, you know, and,

and I had like 4 plates because there's a buffet and I got to try everything because don't you have to try everything? I mean, it's just sort of, I don't know, maybe it's just me. But anyways, and half of it's not even, I don't even finish half of it. Just this wasteful freaking American again, which I apologize for.

I just apologize for America, Americans, the whole puritanical judeo-christian thing. Sorry. Not that it's bad. Like I said, I love Jesus. I just hate his fan club. OK, so

anyway, some of his fan club.

So if we didn't harvest food or construct shelter, I don't just want a house. I want you know, and there'd be no survival. So if so, the desires for the sex relation, the material and emotional security for companionship are perfectly necessary and right and surely God-given. And yet these are the very instincts that I'm going to talk about, that we talk about in step four that have been threatened.

My instincts have been threatened. And what are the instincts we talk about?

Is self esteem right?

It's security and they also talk about pocketbook. So it's physical security and it's financial security. You got that? We talk about ambitions, things hoped for, dream for, desired. We talk about personal relationships and sexual relationships. So I don't know, maybe I was five or six years sober before I started to get this.

I have a resentment that affects myself esteem that means in some ways, for lack of a better word, myself, esteem is broken. Can we use that word just for, you know, for the purpose of being on the same page? It's somewhat broken. It's not a healthy, objective, balanced view of who I truly AM. And the 12 and 12 talks about, you know, sort of what humility is. The practical view of humility. The practical view of humility is you really not the best

and you're really not the worst. And if you want to really offend an alcoholic, tell them they're just average. You know what I mean? It's like what?

OK,

so I got a broken self esteem. Either I'm grandiose eve or I think I'm better than everybody else, or, you know, I'm worse than everybody else and so on so forth. It's that infantile egomaniac with the, you know, inferiority complex, you know? So self esteem, I got a broken self esteem. If I have a broken self-esteem, what kind of ambitions do you think I'm going to shoot for? What kind of dreams, hopes and desires do you think I'm going to shoot for? I mean, instead of going to medical school, I'm content to sell lemonade. Nothing wrong with selling lemonade. I'm just saying you feel the difference. It's like I really couldn't. I never

could, blah blah. So I got a broken self esteem and I got a broken self esteem. I got broken ambition. If I got a broken ambition, what kind of security do you think I'm going to provide for myself?

Somewhat broken again, for lack of a better word, Right? Broken financially and broken

physically because if I can't provide for myself financially, I can't really feel contained and safe and what have you. We're still on the same page,

just busting right through this. Broken self esteem, broken dreams, hopes, ambitions, broken security. What kind of personal relationship you think I'm going to be having?

It's that whole Anybody see Jerry Maguire? That movie? It's the whole lie of you complete me. The fuck? Nothing has ever done more damage,

right? You complete. You have me at hello. Shut the fuck up.

How am I doing with that profanity thing tomorrow? I'm really gonna be good though.

Spiritual speaker. OK, so anyway,

broken ambitions, broken personal relationships, because it's all going to be about how can you fix me? How can you complete me? How can you take care of me? How can you fulfill my dreams and hopes? You, how can you do it? And if it's not you, it's the job, it's the government, it's whatever, it's something outside of myself. It has to be because I'm broken, right? And if these are all broken, what kind of people am I getting into bed with?

I'm just saying,

right? I ain't judging. I'm just saying,

so there it is. So I just came with what is this resentment effect? All of them. I don't think that the way that my mom treated me is going to affect my personal sexual relationships, but of course it does because I got a broken core,

right? So just write all five of them down. Screw it. You know why that is later. But I just tell my sponsor he's just write all five of them down. And if you can give me a little example as to why, even if you just start off with what she did to me affected myself esteem because when she didn't hug me or when she didn't touch me, this is how I felt. OK. So now we're we're getting through it,

get through the three columns, right. We're going to get through the 4th column. We're just going horizontal. So now I'm done with that

and I'm on to the 4th column, which is my part,

my fault, my part, whatever.

And this is the stuff sometimes that people have the biggest struggle with. You know, I sponsor women.

A woman that was tied to the bed with handcuffed to the bed while her dad went to the bar. OK, six years old. What's her part?

Not really any part in that. But what's happening is, is I have an expectation. This is hard now, OK, this is this is one it's tough to swallow. I have an expectation that fathers don't handcuff their daughters to the bed while they go to the bar,

but what's reality?

I have an expectations that Big Brothers don't touch their little sisters in ways that my Big Brother touch me. But what's reality

now? That stuff stopped 35 years ago and I'm still living like it's continuing to happen. In fact, I may even be creating it over and over and over. And if I'm not continuously being a victim, I become a perpetrator, which was my story. I, you will, no one will ever touch me like that again. No one will ever hurt me like that again. And as far as your sexual experience,

I don't give a fuck.

Not something I'm proud of, and I could justify it up and down, in and out, all the other way.

Didn't wasn't even conscious so many times because it wasn't that blatant. I wasn't that overtly mean most of the time. It's just it didn't really concern me, you know, but I didn't even know that those were the words or that was the experience I was having. OK, so, and, and anyway you slice it, the human experience was incomplete because I really believe, and this is hard for a lot of us who struggle with intimacy, is that the human experience is connection and that God for

my higher power, my creator or dog, as I like to call him dog God, same thing

exists in the space between you and me.

He's in the space between you and me. And so when I hook up with you, when I touch you, when I hold your hand, that's where. And if I don't hold your hand, I notice you guys don't hold hands during the during the prayer, which I think is great sometimes because in where I come from, everybody like links arms. I'm like, that's too, that's too close for me. You know, just you can hold my hand, you know, they're like, come on, hook it up. I'm like, I am hooking it up, back off. But you know, give me a little dancing space. So anyway,

the point is, is that when I hook up with you eye to eye, which I've gotten to do a lot

already in 2436 hours, I've been here. That's where God exists for me. You know, I need to be careful that I don't make this fellowship my higher power or they don't make the individuals in this fellowship my higher power because I'll tell you for sure. And people with long term sobriety can attest to this, I'm sure. And that is that you can have long term sobriety if you can survive this fellowship

because sometimes this fellowship, we could be nasty.

You know, we say we don't shoot our wounded Bullshit. I find nothing more offensive that I'm sitting at a meeting and someone turns to me and says he's been drinking. I'm like, bitch, Yeah. It's Alcoholics Anonymous. Hello.

You know what I'm saying? They're like.

But I digress.

I'm gonna try to sit this year. I don't know, I'm kind of a spaz, as you can tell. So I don't know if it's gonna work, but we'll see. So anyway, so now I'm into my part. So my first part is if I ever struggle with I can't find my part, I can't find my part. My first part is expectations and the the 12 and 12 clarifies it a little bit better for me when it says on page

page 52 or if my disturbance was seemingly caused by the behavior of others.

Why do I lack the ability to accept conditions I cannot change?

I don't believe that the four step is about forgiveness, although, you know, I love back to basics. I love Joe and Charlie. I love a lot of the old timers who say that really the 4th step is about forgiveness for me. That wasn't my experience. A lot of forgiveness for me came in step 8:00 and 9:00. So when I take someone through this step, I say don't worry about forgiving the bastard right now. Don't worry about that. And thank God that the that the prayer, you know, the, the four step prayer in here doesn't say forgive the guy. It's still pretty untasty,

no? Let's read it, shall we? God,

it doesn't. You know God doesn't cut us. A lot of wiggle room on this one. Unfortunately,

though we did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We asked God. So here's the prayer. God help me show him

the same tolerance, pity, and patience that I would cheerfully grant a sick friend.

When he offended me, I said to myself, this is a sick mother

man. How can I be helpful to somebody else? No, it doesn't say that. How can I be helpful to him?

What? Come on, I can't. That's, that's too much. So I say, so how can I be helpful to him? Perhaps the way I can be helpful to him is stay as far away from him and his family and everything he does as possible. Because here's what I know about Sam today.

I'm spiritual enough to know where I can't be spiritual.

And that is a huge ethical, you know, growth for me is that I can't go there. I can't love that person. I can't be, I cannot be kind. I cannot be tolerant, you know, So I love them from a distance. I stay away. I don't engage. I used to engage, you know what I mean?

Because I lose, I lose every time. It does start to be that whole thing. You know, the old timers used to say, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

I'm like both, Avi, you know what I mean? That's no choice. What kind of choice is that? And then it came down to it. It doesn't matter. What matters is is that it eats me in from the inside out. See, that's the thing about the steps. See,

you're gonna recover with or without your permission if you do these steps.

That's what's so scary. So if you don't want to get sober and you don't want to recover, don't do the steps and stay as far away from people who've done the steps and are happy and joyous and free. Just get the fuck away from them because you'll catch this thing. Something will happen, you know, and you'll have some sort of a psychic change that'll give you a profound alteration in the way you react to life. And holy mackerel, you will get a sufficient substitute to recover from alcoholism. Because I'm telling you what, man, you take away tequila and methamphetamine and come on, that's

not right. Of course I'm getting rest because tequila makes me slide down this business like,

oh man, it's that kind of thing. So they're like, just give it up,

just put the plug in the jug.

I don't get it. A lot of the old timers is like, you know, hey, I'm going to pick you up for a meeting. Don't go to meetings and don't drink between meetings.

Don't get it? That's what Chris I think is somewhat is talking about in regards to are these people really alcoholic? Because see, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. So that means we get a shit load of people in here that may have a desire to stop drinking and then they think that that's all that's required for sobriety. That's not what it says. Membership has just come on in. It takes a shit load more than that if you want to stay,

you know, And I don't care who you know. I mean, I'm going to be the one. This trio here is going to be the one that delivers the truth, no matter how unpalatable it is. Because frankly, it is a rather untasty recipe really. I mean, who cares to admit complete defeat, you know? Turn their will and their life over to the care of some God that never did them any favors. Write a list of your gross or handicaps and share them with some stranger who's going to gossip about you at the next meeting.

You know you know. Have your character defects removed, which, frankly, are my survival skills.

You know what I mean? Oh, you want that anger? Oh, you just take it. I'm just gonna let go and let. God, I don't fucking think so.

I think not. Au contraire,

steps 8:00 and 9:00 stand in front of the judge. I did it, you know, because people want their money back. How offensive? And then step 10, of course, is the killer. Say you're wrong, not you're sorry. They don't care about I'm sorry. Nowhere in this book does it say apologize in step 10

doesn't talk anything about apology. They don't want an apology. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. No, I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't give a fuck. It's over. I'm sorry. It's done. It's I was wrong. And if you don't think there's a difference between I was wrong and I'm sorry, try I was wrong. It's like I was rural. I was rural.

I was rural, you know.

Here's the good news about Step 10. Just my experience. You don't even have to be sorry to do Step 10,

because that's hard, especially if you're right. You know what I mean? It's like, but it says promptly and so I can't sometimes I can't get from, you know, I was wrong till I'm sorry and promptly. So I have to say like I was wrong to use that tone, you know, you dumb motherfucker, you know, or something like that, but you kind of leave that off. But the whole point is,

is that I can say I was wrong long before I'm sorry because there's lots of times that I say things that I don't feel sorry for saying. But I wish I had used a different tone. I wish I hadn't said it in front of your wife. I wish I had, you know, whatever the deal is, is I could have done it differently. I need to do it differently. In fact, my whole effectiveness in my relationship with you is if I do it differently. Does that make sense? So that's step 10. Step 11, of course, is, you know, the biggie, right? It's like prayer and meditation. You need a coach. I mean

the quote for a minute, you know, just like, and then 12 is the kicker who wants to sacrifice time and energy carrying the message to some other ungrateful broad. He's not going to stay sober anyway, you know what I mean? And the 12 and 12 talks about, that's why it's such an unpalatable truth. You know, the average alcoholic, self-centered in the extreme, doesn't care too much for this recipe unless he has to do it in order to stay alive himself. And I was eight years sober before I caught The Word Alive. I thought it said sober.

It says alive, which prompts the next question,

what kind of death are we talking about? Right? Because if it's a fast death, you know, it's the, you know, live a spiritual life or die an alcoholic death. And only us Alcoholics are like, hang on, don't rush me, don't push me. Let me weigh that out. Alcoholic live, you know, So I mean, you take a poll down at the grocery store, they're like, I don't even know what you're talking about spiritual life or alcoholic death. But I'll take a spiritual life, but not us. We're like, no, no, no, no, no, wait. Well, he's a bloody death. Is it a long drawn out death? OK.

So anyway, so we're back to step four. We're looking at our part and then we get to resolutely,

you know, sort of investigate. And that's the prayer, the four step prayer on page 67.

You know, God saved me from being angry. Thy will be done. Thy will be done. Now I'm out again.

I'm out of the mix.

Step three. I'm in the mix, turning my will and my life over to the care of God,

right? I don't give my life and will to God. My thinking of my actions, I turn it over to the care of God.

He doesn't want my life. He gave it to me, right? And I just, you know, just really quick. It's like step three and step four are so important together because it really, you know, Step 4 is the real physical manifestation of the faith that I just had. And I want to talk for a second about the difference between faith and trust. Faith is cool, but the very definition of faith is it's a belief.

Trust is an action,

you know, the old timers used to tell the story about. You know, the difference between faith and trust is faith is the belief that God could get you across the Canyon in a wheelbarrow on a high wire. Trust is getting in the fucking wheelbarrow. You see what I'm saying? Now we're really talking, you know, I believe God could as you're standing next to it, right? We'll get in now. That's all right. That's cool, you know,

and that's really why

they talk about, you know, no, the average alcoholic self-centered in the extreme doesn't care too much for this prospect unless he has to do it in order to stay alive himself. Because practicing the remaining, you know, 12 steps or whatever requires a certain attitude. And the attitude is let's get in, let's commit because I got to trust the process that the shit that I'm going to write down and whoever I choose to share it with, you know, what if they gossip about me at the next meeting, If everybody

my shit, what?

That's when the fellowship might fail you. How many times have I heard people go, no, you know, my sponsor, they drank like, yeah. And you know, or so and so told my told about my so and so to so and so we are a bunch of gossiping for, you know, it's like, oh, character assassination. None of us do that. Come on. Especially the first year, our lives are so boring. All we can talk about is did you hear that she's going to get a divorce? Did you hear that someone had a little 13 stepping going on? I think she took a little bit too much of those.

I mean, whatever, It's just like so boring. Our lives are so boring, right?

So anyways, we're into this next part where we didn't like the symptoms. We're praying that prayer,

umm, referring to our list again. We resolutely look for our own mistakes. So expectations comes first for me if I struggle. And then it says pretty simple, selfish, dishonest, self seeking, frightened, selfish. What's the difference between selfish and self seeking? You know, use the dictionary. That's what we need to do. I use the dictionary the whole time and I've never given. I don't know, I don't think these guys do it either. But I don't give the book to the newcomer and go read the 1st 164 pages and call me.

You know,

that was never done with me. Lots of people in my town do it like that. I guess they assume that everybody reads and speaks English, which not even Americans speak English, you know what I mean?

I need a dictionary for half rapacious creditor. What the fuck is that? I know what a creditor is, but rapacious? Come on.

So anyway, so then we're back in to look at where am I selfish, where are myself seeking, where am I dishonest and where am I afraid? You know, And then we get the fear thing. Notice the fear is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Miss Jones and my employer, right? So the fear list is the next thing that we do, right? It's a list.

Don't make it any more difficult than that.

My fears list,

right?

Snakes,

spiders, whatever. I'm not really scared of those things. I'm just saying so

and then so you get all the sort of little, you're not really sure where all this is going and who cares? But then you get down to some of the more meaty stuff. You know, success, failure,

marriage, divorce, sex, no sex,

fat, skinny, old, young, I don't know whatever girl, boy, just blah blah blah blah blah. Right?

So

so far kind of following the books. People make this so hard. Like I say, this is nothing. Four steps a piece of cake. The 6th step is what's going to kick your ass. But anyways, I digress. So

fear, fear, fear, fear, fear. It's an evil and corroding thread. I love images. I'm a big image person. When I talk tomorrow, I'll give you a bunch of visualizations that my sponsor gave me. The icy shark infested waters, the rapacious creditor, the tyrant alcohol. These are all just awesome images that help me know and be introduced to my disease. It's like, welcome, now you've met your disease, right? So fear is this evil and corroding threat. So I look at the fabric of my existence like this beautiful tapestry

that Sammy is this beautiful tapestry

and she's made-up of all these different textures and, and fine threads and, and some rough threads in there too, and some just some string or some fishing wires. So I mean, there's this all and there's some gold and there's some silver and there's beautiful things in this tapestry called Samantha. And I turn around as I'm weaving this thing and it's just getting eaten up by these little termites that ceaselessly devour the foundation. And that's why I love. And again, going back to the 12:00 and 12:00

in Step 4,

it talks about on page 49 after they talk about the seven deadly sins and I have them highlighted, you know, it's conscious fears is the basic breeder of most human difficulties, right? So the cool thing is they've gently given us in Step 4 the seven deadly sins. So it looks like a little bit of, I don't know, choice. There's some choice there in the seventh step. It just breaks it down. It's like it's all about fear, but we're not ready to hear that yet. And step four, that it's all about self-centered fear right now. We want to hear like

knee and it's you know, so it's pride. It's just fear. It's all fear, fear, fear, fear, fear, fear because every single character defect. If you want everything that is not peace is fear.

So you think of it as lust.

Is it peaceful?

Not saying it's bad or good, right? I'm just saying there's peace and there's fear. We can call it love if you want, but love gets so convoluted. You know, love is such a, you know, I think most, I don't know about your language, but there's so many countries where they have a bunch of different ways to say love, which is appropriate because there's a bunch of different ways to say it. And the English language, there's only one word they use for this multiple of meanings. So of course it gets convoluted. What do you mean?

So I just go for peace. It's that feeling of just

it's not excitement, it's not passion, it's not anxiety, it's not neurotic.

That makes sense. OK, so it goes through this whole thing, all these failings generated by fear, a soul sickness. Then fear in turn generates more character defects, unreasonable fear that our instincts won't be satisfied. We eat, drink and grab for more everything we need, fearing we shall never. These fears are the termites that ceases lead to both pride and fear. Be. I mean, it's just like there's nine times on one page. You get it? Get it? Fear, Fear, Fear, Fear, fear. So

now we're on to So you do the fears list, whatever it is,

OK, We put them on paper. It says put them on paper,

even though we have no resentment in connection with them. We ask ourselves, why do I have them? So I take each one. Snakes. Why do I have them? Well, my first initial reaction is because they're icky, you know, or something like that. And my sponsor goes, OK,

why else?

And we have to do a little exploration. Why isn't it? Ultimately, I'm afraid they'll hurt me. I'm afraid it will hurt me. I'm afraid it will hurt. It will hurt me. Me. It will hurt me. It will hurt. It will hurt me. Me. It will meet me. Get it? Me. So far, it's me. I don't care about this. I'm never afraid of the snake if it's going after you.

So ultimately they get down to this. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed me?

Ultimately, I'm afraid that I won't be able to take care of myself,

which I have good reason to believe because that's exactly what's happening, is that I can't take care of myself.

Don't even don't care for myself. I got a broken self esteem.

But I'm going to care for you. So if you could just come into my life, into my bed, into my world, into my everything, I'm going to care for you. And God damn it, you better care for me.

And then we get this. I'm just disappointed.

I'm just really disappointed. Jesus,

they're just disappointing. You know, after 16 relationships that are disappointing. I mean, mathematics will tell you after two, you got a pattern going. Anyone had more than two relationships, you got a pattern going. Might want to check that out. OK,

so self-reliance has failed me. self-reliance, I'm just spitting right now and I wasn't even passionate. Sorry about that. self-reliance is, I'm pulling the ramer here. All right. self-reliance was good as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem. When it made us cocky, it was even worse. Perhaps we're on, we know a better way, a better way we think so 'cause we're on a new basis, we're on a different basis. And I always ask myself when I start to freak out. Just side note, everything in my life today,